By M. Giant
Jesse and Fi have a fruitful trip to "the Bahamas," and come back with an autopsy report on the John Doe who was thrown from the plane they traced to "Cobra." It turns out Cobra was the John Doe, a.k.a. Jeremiah Cassar. They trace his home address and head over to check it out, but two things get in the way of that project: a nosy neighbor from Hell and a desperate phone call from Michael.
But let's back up. Sam's got a friend named Josh (special guest Frank Whalley!) who runs a charity helping children of dead vets, but the charity's money has all been ripped off by a low-rent Bernie Madoff named Nick Madoffison, and Josh has gone over there with a gun to get it back. Which means that when Michael and Sam follow him, they essentially walk into a hostage situation. Rather than bailing, Michael and Sam go all in, trying to both keep the cops at bay and help Josh get the money back without everyone ending up in jail. Fortunately the con man turns out to have a floor safe right there in the building, full of ill-gotten cash. After exhuming it, Michael manipulates the con man into holding him at gunpoint right when the cops bust in, and gets the dude's angry, betrayed wife to roll over on him. So the con man is the only one going to jail, looks like. I'm sure this story will hold up indefinitely.
Now free to get back to breaking into Cassar's place, Michael and Jesse find a dry hole. Or do they? Remember that nosy neighbor from Hell? Almost in time, they realize something's up with her. She gets away, but Michael retrieves a tape she'd hidden in her own house. And the tenuous chain of evidence grows itself another link.
Discuss this episode in our forums, read some of Michael Westen's most useful spy tips, then read our Q&A with series creator Matt Nix about his new show The Good Guys!
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Michael VOs that while spies get to travel, it's not usually to a desirable destination like the Bahamas. "The Bahamas -- Desirable Destination," the subtitles confirm. Of course, this is where Fi and Jesse are as we join them. Fi's bringing Michael up to speed on their activities, and he's a little annoyed to hear that they're hanging out at a beachside bar. And he can't even see the splitscreen that shows off the stark contrast between the saturated colors in the bar scene and the way his loft is being shot extra washed-out. He reminds her that they're supposed to be identifying a body (remember, the one that washed up in the Bahamas the day after a flight by the blood-spattered cargo plane Jesse traced to "Cobra") and after lots of expository bickering, Fi rings off because her "new friend," a coroner's assistant named Ty ("Ty -- Coroner's Assistant," according to the always-helpful subtitles) is bringing her a big fruity drink called a Love Boat. Fi makes a show of drinking out of it -- and bending over to suck on the straw in a way that almost makes this look like a scene from an Austin Powers movie -- while Michael VOs about the value of misdirection to both magicians and pickpockets. That's Jesse's cue to show up acting like a drunk, jealous local, and his "Caribbean" accent is as good as any of Michael's. He picks a fight with Ty, and in the ensuing commotion, Fi lifts Ty's keys. She signals Jesse that she has them in an obvious enough manner that it could be seen from space. Nice misdirection.
Later, Fi's waiting in the car while Jesse raids the morgue using Ty's keys. They banter over the phone, and no sooner has he found the autopsy file he's looking for than she warns him that Ty just showed up outside, and he's got a member of the local constabulary with him. Jesse hides himself in one of the corpse lockers while Ty comes in with the cop, but Ty seems satisfied that he merely forgot them when he sees them lying on a table. The minute he leaves, Jesse pops out of the locker and almost gets out of the building. Except for how Ty was still lingering outside the front door with the cop. Then he leads Ty and the local cop on a chase to a remote dock where Fi's waiting with a boat, which she drives away as soon as Jesse jumps on board. "Piece of cake, huh?" Fi says.
When Fi and Jesse return to the loft, they find Michael busy with some gadgetry that won't have anything to do with anything. Fi gets right back to annoying Michael by showing off some vacation snaps before Jesse whips out the stolen autopsy report. Jesse says it matches what little he knows about Cobra, so I guess that's good enough for everyone here. He also mentions that bits of skin were found under the body's fingernails, which should be handy when they run across someone missing bits of skin. Michael keeps suggesting steps, but they're already way ahead of him: they already have the dead guy's name and the PO box he was using for an address, courtesy of Sam. And in exchange for his speedy turnaround, Sam wants a favor. Which they tell Michael he can take care of while Jesse and Fi go check out the mailbox place. Those two are going to a lot of trouble to engineer ways to go off alone, aren't they?
Michael emerges from the loft to find Sam honking the Charger's horn and telling Michael about a friend of his named Josh who runs a charity for poor orphans of dead war veterans. I think they might also do some work for one-legged puppies and angels with cancer. Anyway, the genius gave some shady investment manager all his money and got his ass cleaned out. Michael's reluctant, as always, to take on a job, but Sam railroads him into the car. He says it'll take less than a day, and as he points out, it's not like Michael's doing anything else while Fi and Jesse are off "investigating."
Sam and Michael arrive outside Josh and Lila's house. They're intercepted in the front yard by "Lila -- Concerned Wife," who reports that Josh has already left to go confront the investment guy, Nick Madison. Apparently the charity has to be shut down on Monday, now that Josh lost all of its money. And at Sam's insistence, Michael is dragged off to what he says is sounding like a job. Doesn't miss a trick, does he?
Fi and Jesse are at the fake mailbox place trying to get the actual address for Cobra, a.k.a. Jeremiah Cassar. They're pretending to be pre-newlyweds trying to secure Jesse's divorce papers from Cassar, who Jesse claims is his lawyer. The lady behind the counter, friendly as she is, isn't about to give them anything but their confidentiality policy. Michael VOs about how a spy's first approach isn't always successful and he might have to change his story on the fly, using details he notices around him. Which in this case are a lot of dadless family photos and a ringless hand on the counter lady. So Jesse changes it up and says they're actually with "Deadbeat Dad... Trackers." That way they can play on the chick's sympathies for abandoned children and families and thus get what they want from her. Congratulations on conning a single mom, guys.
Michael and Sam arrive at Nick Madison's building, and Sam spots Josh's car parked haphazardly outside. And Michael spots the empty holster in the car, which tells him that they might find things a little fraught in there. They rush in and spot Frank Whaley as Josh, acting desperate and out of options. The subtitle backs him up: "Josh -- Out of Options." He's got "Nick Madison -- Thieving Bastard" and his wife at gunpoint. Madison makes a lame attempt at talking Josh down, but Josh pistol-whips him, then hears the cops pulling up outside and wonders who called them. He leads his hostages out of the exposed front lobby and into a back room. So where does this leave Sam and Michael? Well, Sam locks the doors and closes the shades, because he's insisting on sticking around and helping Josh. "I'm following my gut on this one." So looks like Michael is, too. Shouldn't they discuss this a little? I mean, Sam told Michael this was just a small favor. He never said they were going to find themselves in Cadillac Man.
Back from the ads, Sam is full-on barricading them inside, saying he's helping Josh. Michael argues that they need to get Josh out of there. Meanwhile, it's turning into a full-on staging area outside, with this show now raiding the 24 wardrobe for SWAT armor even when it isn't using its actors. Josh comes out to the main room, wanting Sam to leave him to what he insists is his own problem. The phone starts ringing. Sam? Still not leaving.
Neither is the Miami police, including the SWAT teams and the heavyset guy in charge who hollers through a megaphone that he's Lieutenant Seth Casey. "Lt. Casey -- Tough S.O.B.," the subtitles boast. He orders the people inside to pick up the phone. Josh wonders what to do. Sam tells Michael it's not too late to leave, but Sam is staying. So Michael decides to take charge. "I leave when you leave," he heroically tells Sam. Michael picks up the phone, playing the part of a frightened hostage who isn't allowed to talk, and then hangs up. "This is more of a less-is-more situation. I'm just buying time," Michael explains to Josh. Sam manages to take Josh's gun from him, which turns out to not have bullets in it anyway. And this guy runs a million-dollar charity? Outside, Casey tells his men to cut off the phone, internet and A/C. No A/C in Miami? Going nuclear right off the bat, I see. Inside, Michael and Sam decide that their step is to talk to Nick and his wife Patty. Sam wants Nick, but Michael takes that project on while Sam takes the wife. Michael figures Sam might get a little rough with Nick. Or maybe that's what Sam wants him to think.
Michael and Sam divide and conquer, and Michael plays good cop with Nick. Nick claims innocence, but Michael, acting like he's just trying to defuse the situation, gently suggests that Nick give up the money, "If you want to get out of here alive." Sam, meanwhile, tells Patty all about the destitute orphan/crippled puppy/cancerous angels charity of Josh's that Nick cleaned out. She insists that Nick is such a good man, he's been helping Tom Norris with his mortgage. Oh, Tom Norris, sure. That guy. Meanwhile, Nick is offering to give Michael full access to his computer system to prove to Josh that he didn't do anything wrong. Well, that sounds reasonable.
So that's what they do, and as they go through the paperwork in the front lobby, Michael VOs that a story with no holes is a sure sign of a liar -- and the same holds true for a set of financial records with no errors. In other words, Nick's books are so clean they prove he's a crook! Except not in any sense they can use. So they're nowhere, until Sam conveniently remembers how Patty mentioned Tom Norris, so they need to talk to him. Michael takes on the job of figuring out how to make the call, given that their phones are cut off and the cops are jamming their cell phones.
So Michael finds a common wall, hacks into a conduit, and gets ready to hack into the phone line of the tenant door. Which I'm sure the cops are totally unprepared for. Sam shows up to say they got all the goods on Norris from the computer.
Fi and Jesse are outside Cassar's house, and Fi's shitting the bed with regard to getting the lock on the front door picked. Just then an attractive, dark-haired woman (Navi Rawat from Numb3rs) shows up, wondering what they're up to. She claims they've had a lot of break-ins lately. They claim to be census takers, but she's not fooled. Fortunately, they're rescued by a call from Michael. How much do they suck when they need to be saved by a guy who's trapped in a building across town? He briefly says they're in a hostage situation. "It's more like we're the hostage takers," he non-explains as Jesse and Fi get into the car to find out what they need to do and where to do it.
Back in the office, Nick is unlocking a desk drawer, claiming that it contains bank records proving his innocence (because that worked so well before), but of course there's nothing in there but a gun. Luckily, he pulls it out slowly enough for Michael to grab it away from him. Which, unfortunately, blows Michael's already paper-thin cover, and Nick accuses them of all being in cahoots. Which they are, but obviously they didn't want Nick to know that.
After a commercial break, we come back to see Michael and Sam moping in the front lobby while Sam runs down the charges. "Armed kidnapping, unlawful confinement..." He apologizes for getting Michael into this, but Michael reminds Sam that he chose to stay. Sam tells Michael his own little Christmas Story, but instead of writing papers and begging Santa and having to wear a bunny suit to get his Red Rider air rifle, he stole it. And when his dad told the cops to go ahead and lock him up for a few hours, Sam says that was the last time he saw the inside of a cell. "It's a little early to call it a day," says Michael, who, given how many cells he's been in, really ought to be annoyed by Sam's little tale rather than galvanized into action like he seems to have been. He picks up the phone, putting on his "frightened hostage" voice. On the other end, Lieutenant Casey asks, reading from a list of license plates he ordered gathered earlier, "Is this Josh, or Michael Westen?" Oops. Michael maintains character, and says the hostage-taker wants a panel van. Casey tells him a hostage will need to be released first. After Michael hangs up, he tells Sam that they know he's in there. Sam offers to end it and give himself up now, but Michael insists, money first, then escape. Which is a sign that his priorities are completely fucked.
Fi and Jesse go find "Tom Norris," a weaselly little dude who tosses his car keys to a parking valet. Michael VOs that you never want to approach a con artist cold. Sure enough, Tom runs the minute Jesse calls his name. Jesse pursues, distracting Tom with a thrown bottle while Fi rolls up in her car and bounces Tom off the hood. Once he's caught, they let him think that they're from another part of whatever organization he's been funneling Nick's money to, and that something's going down with Nick. That's one way of putting it.
So they bring him across town to show him the police perimeter, claiming it was a raid and Nick already left town. Now they want the account info from Tom. Tom says there's no account -- just a floor safe in the conference rom. Fi opens the trunk of her car and asks Jesse, "Think he'll fit?" Hell, Tom would fit in Fi's purse, if they weren't ten feet away from nine hundred Miami cops, WHICH THEY ARE.
Fi calls Michael back and tells him about the floor safe, and she's annoyed to hear that they're on the hook now. So he needs a distraction to cover their escape. "If there ever was a time to pull out all the stops, this is it," he tells her. Fi has been waiting so long to hear Michael say that that she almost forgets about Jesse. She opens her trunk, which still contains Tom, bound with pink duct tape, because she's just that girly. "Move over," she tells him. "You're lying on my C-4." Too bad she's just going to end up with blue blowing-up balls.
Josh finds Sam and Michael ripping up the carpet in the conference room. Sure enough, the safe is there, but how to get into it? Sam has an idea. He goes into the break room to confront Nick and Patty. It's news to Patty that the safe is even there, and she tells Nick to give up the combo already so they can go home. Nick refuses, claiming to Patty that it contains their clients' "sensitive" information. Wow, is she an idiot. Sam threatens to kill Nick, but then backs off and walks out with the toaster oven instead. Well, that was anticlimactic.
So back in the conference room, he and Michael rip out the guts of the appliance and wire the heating element up to the bullets from Nick's gun, which they placed on top of the safe to make a "homemade shaped charge." Somehow all the bullets explode simultaneously, shattering the circular glass walls of the conference room in a way that looks cool but is completely implausible. Michael can say "shape charge," but I don't believe that rig would do anything beyond go off like a string of ladyfingers and "shoot" the floor several times. More believable is how they muffle the blast with a heavy rug, because the last thing they need is for the cops outside to hear that they're doing some light blasting in there. Then they chip away at the concrete surrounding the safe with Nick's golf clubs. Michael has been explaining that floor safes are secure as long as they're in the floor, but are about as safe as a piggy bank once you get them out. Sure enough, all it takes to rupture this one is for Michael and Sam to throw it off a high balcony. Although the weight of all the cash in there probably helped.
Sam and Michael bring Nick and Patty into the room, and Patty freaks out, punching Nick for lying to her. He punches her back, and in the commotion, Nick picks up a hunk of floor concrete and throws it through the window before Michael can restore order. Man, the only thing worse than being an unwilling hostage-taker is being the unwilling hostage-taker of the Lockhorns.
Fi and Jesse notice the resulting activity outside, and when Michael calls to get an update, Fi guesses that they have about five minutes before the cops start moving in. She wonders what Michael's going to do. "I wish I knew," he says. But if he did, that wouldn't make for a very dramatic act-out line.
Sam and Michael discuss the move, which Sam thinks is for Sam and Josh to turn themselves in. Michael uses some of that Westen/Axe shorthand by mentioning Lima. Sam explains to Josh that they're referring to a legendary heist wherein the hostage-takers convinced the police they were the victims, and walked out scot-free. The cops are that gullible in Lima? Well, Lima, Ohio, maybe, where gullibility appears to be something of a pandemic. In any case, all they have to do now is get Patty on their side and get the gun in Nick's hand. But as Sam points it, it probably still won't work.
The three of them make their approach to Patty. She's pretty pissed at Nick, and Sam explains, "The cops are going to ask who the bad guy is. I'm hoping we all have the same answer to that question." She says Nick stole the money, but then he didn't hold her captive at gunpoint, either. So she's saying everybody in the building but her should go to jail, basically. I've had days at work like that. Josh steps up and says it wasn't them, but just him, and he's sorry. He invites her to blame him.
Cut to Michael frog-marching Nick out into the front lobby, acting like he's going to kill him. Michael VOs about the procedures spies use when holding someone at gunpoint: stay out of arm's reach, keep your weight on your back foot, and keep your eye on the target. All of which he does the opposite of when the others come in. Just as Michael wanted, Nick takes the opportunity to grab the gun and hold it at Michael's head. Michael goads him, saying he doesn't have the guts to pull the trigger, right up until the windows are broken and the cops come in, taking down Nick and "rescuing" the rest of them. Well, that was like shit through a goose. Once they're outside, Michael and Sam tell Josh that it's all down to Patty now.
Cut to Patty inside the mobile command unit as Casey plays back the original 911 call she made even before Sam and Michael showed up at the building. He asks why she made the call, and she talks about how Josh had come in wanting his money back. Nick denied it all, said Josh was crazy. "That's when Josh pulled the gun?" Casey asks. After a long, appropriately "suspenseful" pause, Patty says no, Nick pulled it. "He's a liar and a thief, and he knew he was about to be exposed, so he took us hostage. All of us." So let's recap: Michael convinced Patty to lie to the police to protect the people who took her and her husband hostage, and it's a lie that can't possibly hold up when Nick goes to trial. Michael might want to consider leaving Miami after all.
But for now, they get to see Nick hauled off, and Patty nods to them as she emerges from the van. But Casey has a question for Michael, whom he knows is an expert in explosives: What about the blown-up safe? With a straight face, Michael says it was like that when they got there. "Maybe he forgot the combination?" he "speculates." Oh, yeah, he's totally in the clear.
Afterwards, Josh and Lila are in their front yard, thanking Sam and Michael for their help. So Josh even got to keep the money? Whatever, dude. As our two incredibly lucky heroes return to the Charger, Sam apologizes for this getting bigger than he thought. Michael magnanimously reminds Sam that he did say it would take less than a day, and here they are. "One long-ass day," Sam agrees.
Michael's trying to break into Cassar's place his own self, but again with Jesse as the lookout. Jesse warns that the "nosy neighbor from Hell" is on her way. Indeed, she just seems to be returning from her jog, in a spiffy exercise suit with long sleeves. Michael gets them inside moments before she runs up and busts them.
Inside, the place is completely clean; suspiciously so. "If you can't find spare change in the sofa, chances are you won't find anything at all." Jesse isn't about to give it up, but Michael has an idea: with all that cleaning, somebody must have seen something. So he decides to check in the with the nosy neighbor from hell. Jesse warns that she's kind of a stickler for IDs. Luckily, Michael still has Ned Gordon's FBI badge from last week. Sam would be glad to know it's doing him some good after all.
Over at her house, she's cooperative, if a little flirty, inviting Michael to call her Kendra. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to know anything. Michael reports this back to Jesse, but he also observed that of all the photos visible from her front doorway, she wasn't in any of them. "Did you see her body? It was pretty bangin'," Jesse remarks, apropos of nothing. Or was it? When Michael tells him to focus, he says it's odd that she was running that covered up in this heat, unless she had something to hide. Like maybe some scratches on her arms shaped like the fingernails of Jeremiah Cassar, a.k.a. Cobra? They realize that she was the one who cleaned Cassar's place, and then she moved in door to keep an eye on the place in case anyone came snooping around. Having come to this conclusion, they sprint back to Kendra's door and burst inside. She leaves off banging a hole in her sheetrock long enough to try to put a hole in Michael with a handgun, then makes a break for it out the back door. Although Jesse gives a dogged pursuit that lasts several seconds, she gets away. But Michael hung back to widen that hole she was making in the wall, while he gives a VO we've heard before about the trade-off between security and accessibility when it comes to hiding places. And what was being hidden in this case was a big reel of tape. How's he going to play that on his cell phone?
Find out why some fans are falling out of love with Burn Notice.
Discuss this episode in our forums, read some of Michael Westen's most useful spy tips, then read our Q&A with series creator Matt Nix about his new show The Good Guys!
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.