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Sasha arrives at her apartment and the door is wide open. She doesn't know what to do. I'm not sure either. Siri is no help either and wants to call everyone BUT the police. Talia, Truly and Michelle have fondue as a bachelorette event for Talia. Rick is on his way and they are getting married on the beach the day. Truly asks Talia if she can be her maid-of-honor and she says yes. Roman arrives to check out Sasha's apartment. There's a very funny Annie Hall moment where a spider scares the hell out of Roman and Boo's father (who shows up shortly after Roman, with mom, Boo and screaming boys in tow). Looks like Sasha just forgot to close the door. At least she and Roman got a moment to kiss!
Michelle is trying to teach class while Truly is quick-firing questions about bridesmaids dresses at her. Then, Bash the angry barista arrives and says that there is a fire happening in the woods north of Paradise, which means that everyone has to go to an evacuation shelter. Geez, there's danger everywhere in this episode. And, wouldn't you know it, the dance studio is a shelter. As co-captains of the rescue team, Bash and Michelle are not an intuitive match.
Looks like things are good between Ginny and Melanie again. Dez shows up and starts hitting on Melanie, which is always uncomfortable. Odd, odd, odd moment: Carl and Jeff the waiter bonding over their shared love of the film Hope Springs. I'm not even sure what to say. They both have very specific Tommy Lee Jones impressions, neither of which is good. Then, Bash calls for volunteers and Frankie volunteers and Ginny sees him changing shirts and it IS GOOD.
Melanie is taking a lot of pictures and Dez, who is sweating her hard, reveals a 100% unbelievable art history knowledge with an emphasis on photography. Talia is devastated because the fire means that Rick can't reach her for the wedding. Meanwhile, Michelle finds a condom on the floor in the studio dressing room, which raises a whole bunch of concerns, especially since all of these young couples are going to be spending the night together in the studio.
Bash hears that Paradise's other evacuation center is hosting some killer entertainment, so he and Michelle decide to up the ante. Jeff and Carl do dueling Tommy Lee Jones impressions, which, I mean, they really just aren't anything like him at all. They're more Tommy Lee than Tommy Lee Jones. They're more Kathie Lee Gifford than Tommy Lee Jones. Anyway, so Jeff starts directing his Tommy at Boo, which Carl sees as him hitting on her. And, they fight. It's weird.
Then, THEN, the girls and guys from the studio, having found miner's caps hats that they used for a dance that Fanny choreographed about Billy Elliot (the father, not Billy), perform a jazz number to “I Predict” by Sparks. Awesome. Awesome. Easily the most fun dance of the season.
Ginny gets caught sniffing Frankie's jacket by Cozette. She's embarrassed and Cozette compares her to a baby antelope that she saw on safari that was half-eaten by a lion and she killed to put it out of its misery. She doesn't quite explain what that means. Talia's wedding is on again when Milly commissions a helicopter to bring Rick to Paradise, but then he trips and breaks his ankle and ends up at the hospital. Michelle tells Talia that she thinks this is a sign and she shouldn't marry Rick, which doesn't go over well. Dez talks to Melanie some more and by gosh I think this thing might happen!
Rick arrives and Talia forgives Michelle and gets married. Michelle confronts the girls by dropping the condom in front of them. They don't say anything and look shocked, so she just picks it up and walks away. They get it though. Also, we find out that Boo is on the pill but not having sex. The Paradise firemen walk into the studio and among their ranks is the smoking Godot. Michelle thinks she may have a use for that condom after all. I hope she checks the expiration date.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We begin with big girl Sasha checking her mail and moving towards he door with parcels (she supplies her own bags at the grocer, very green) when she notices that her door is wide open. She tries to get Mrs. Weidemeyer to open her door, but she doesn't respond. She calls Ginny but gets her voicemail. She thinks there's a burglar. She calls Boo too. Voicemail again. At least she leaves a message. Then, she tries to get Siri to call the police but that damn thing wants to call everything else in Paradise with a P name.
Meanwhile, Michelle is eating fondue with Talia and Truly. Truly is being a sad sack. Talia is super excited because Rick is coming to Paradise with his best friend and they are getting married the day. Talia and Rick -- not Rick and the best man. Sometimes English can really make you look like an idiot. Apparently, Talia and Rick are honeymooning at the very weird Madonna Inn. Have you seen this place? I would stay in the Imperial Family room because a) Imperial Bedroom is my second favorite Elvis Costello album and b) it looks like a bomb shelter and I find that to be a kind of touching metaphor for marriage. Talia goes over some of the reasons she is glad to leave performing and become a married lady. She can gain weight, she can enjoy New Years' Eve and she can get a Pekingese. They argue over what the breed actually looks like. I think Michelle's wrong. Talia says that performing is Michelle's "thing" and she won't miss it herself. Truly kind of butts her way into being Talia's maid of honor, though Michelle does nothing to stand in her way. That's kind of weird, right? It reveals some really cynical feelings our lady must have about marriage, though her experience with the institution doesn't suggest a real devotion either.
Roman shows up to help Sasha. They sneak into her apartment together. He checks the bathroom with an umbrella and we hear him wrestle with what must be the largest spider ever. Nice Annie Hall situation check there. They check the bedroom and there's nothing there either. She must have left the door open herself. Then, they realize that they are alone.... They kiss and just as they sit on the bed Boo's parents come screaming into the apartment. They got Sasha's message. They question who Roman is as they check everywhere in the apartment. Then, Boo comes in. Rusty goes into the bathroom with a sledgehammer. He's afraid of the spider too! Then, the Winkleburns come screaming into the apartment. Wait. I'm confused. Is that what we're calling Boo's little brothers or are those the kids that the little brothers play with? Where are the little brothers? And, Boo's mother is on bed rest! This can't be good for her.
The morning, Michelle is trying to run ballet class while Truly is bothering her with swatches and questions about the dresses that she is going to make for them. Bothersome but at least Truly seems to have ditched that tendency to treat Michelle like the enemy. I have to say, there's a young man in the middle of class who is a half-step off for the entire combination. I blame Truly.
Suddenly, Bash the angry barista enters and blows a whistle. He asks where Fanny is, and the answer is out of the country, apparently. So much information passes through this show that I don't feel like a total idiot for missing a thing or two and there are no such thing as stupid questions except the one that goes unasked, therefore...did we hear about Fanny leaving the COUNTRY? Is she joking? I mean, it seems that with the money problems it's a little irresponsible to just pick up on a whim and leave the country. I mean, I guess they're close to Mexico. Maybe that's where she gets her botox, which I guess would ultimately be a cost-cutting measure. Anyway, there's a fire north of the city and Bash is there (wearing a cap that reads "CAP") because he is an evacuation captain and the studio is an evacuation shelter. He gives Michelle a CAP cap but her head is too big. This is just another way that Sutton Foster and I are soul siblings. Looks like Michelle is a captain too.
Bash runs through where everything is being set up for the evacuation. He suggests that make sleeping assignments, because the "young unmarrieds" shouldn't intermingle at sleep time. He's afraid of orgies. He gives her a walkie-talkie, which excites her. He promises to share a bottle of champagne with her if she does a good job. She says that she feels very incentivized, which I love. They start to run the check-in table, but Bash won't give Michelle any authority. She tries to check in Melanie (who is taking a bunch of pictures) and Ginny, but Bash says that they go in his line. Michelle has everyone whose last name ends in X-Z. Wha? Logic like that is why people have to wait for so long for a coffee. Eventually he relents and lets her help.
Dez starts talking to Melanie but she's pretty rude in return. Boo talks to Sasha about Roman. She says that he's "Yowza" which makes Sasha call her Louise Brooks. Jeff the waiter and Carl check in at the same time. Apparently, Jeff has a screener of Hope Springs which he considers the most underrated film of the past year. OK, that's weird. I mean, me and Meryl are tight but no. If we're talking awards, and I guess we are now because I just brought them up, the most underrated film of the year was Pitch Perfect. If we're talking anything it was the most underrated film of the year because it was the best film of last year and like probably fourteen other years. Anyway, Carl loves Hope Springs too and he and Jeff do dueling Tommy Lee Jones impressions. All they have is a pretty good knowledge of some of the lines he has spoken. There is NOTHING in their dialects that suggest Tommy Lee Jones. I mean, I can't do one either, but I'm better than that. I'm actually pretty good at Sissy Spacek (doing Loretta Lynn) talking TO Tommy Lee Jones in Coal Miner's Daughter. How Cloud Atlas is that? "Doo, stop a-makin' that noise. Ya sound like a-bigga bar."
Talia is upset because the fire means that Rick might not make it to Paradise. Meanwhile, Milly has butted her way to the front of the line to check-in. Then, in the course of asking for volunteers, Bash maybe reveals himself as a bisexual? He has two dads, so maybe he's just saying that everyone is great. I don't know. Anyway, Frankie volunteers and Bash gives him a t-shirt to change into. If Bash had seen Frankie with his shirt off, I don't think there would be anything bi about him. Jesus SMITH, he is cute. Ginny sees and can't take her eyes off of him...and, he catches her looking. I'd die.
The girls are hanging out on cots when Carl joins them. Jeff follows soon afterwards and the Tommy Lee impressions start up again. Wow, these are really painful. I wish I was there to do my Sissy. I'm not kidding, it's pretty good. Melanie shows up and takes a picture of the crew and Dez shows up and says that she should take the photo again without a flash, because Ansel Adams did. So, Dez is an idiot with a strong art history knowledge. There are weirder things happening in Paradise.
Michelle is trying to comfort Talia about the wedding who is trying comfort Truly, who is very invested because she has never been in a wedding and thinks that she never will again. Milly comes in asking for a place to set up her personal crepe station, but they chase her off. Then, Michelle finds a condom under one of the lockers in the studio! I say it belongs to Matisse. Or Jordan. Kidding.
Bash shows Michelle footage from the shelter across town. Their entertainment is evidently much better than what is happening in their own shelter. The girls and co. try to play cards but no one but Sasha is really into it. Michelle shows up and asks the girls to go grab some props. She's kind of bossy about it. When they leave, they move the boys' cots across the studio floor. She doesn't really explain. She just says that boys and girls are separated.
Talia finds out that a helicopter was sent to pick up Rick. The wedding is on again! The girls find some miner's helmets that Fanny used for a dance about Billy Elliot's father. And, the entertainment begins. Jeff and Carl do, you guessed, their Tommy Lee Jones impressions. They are not improving at all. At one point, Jeff directs his Hope Springs monologue to Boo, which Carl takes offense with. AND, they start fighting.
Luckily, there is more entertainment, in the shape of the kids doing a jazz routine in miner's helmets to Sparks' "I Predict." It is so awesome, guys. I LIVE FOR THIS. Ginny is front and center and obviously is a kick ass cheerleader. I can't stop watching this. I can't see Cozette in this. I'm sure she's there though, right?
Truly and Milly have a moment alone. Milly says that she's fine with never getting married. She has her adopted daughter, Ching Lan, and she doesn't need anyone else. I can't figure out whether or not I believe her. Truly says that she's not giving up. She's getting married. Bash comes into the room after that, but Milly nixes that idea.
Later, when Frankie walks away from his cot, Ginny goes to it and for real sniffs his jacket. Cozette catches it and says that it's pathetic. She tells a story about going on safari in Africa and seeing a half-eaten antelope. It was still alive and no one would do anything, so Cozette took a gun a shot it in the head. She compares Ginny to a half-eaten antelope. If they are going to do the funky layering thing with Cozette's wardrobe, they need to flatter her musculature. She's too pretty a girl to be made to look all bulky like this.
Talia's getting ready. She's gorgeous. Truly and Michelle are dressed too. Everybody's pretty. Talia gets a text from Rick. He broke his ankle and is in the hospital. Michelle says that maybe she should rethink getting married. Talia is insulted because Michelle thinks she shouldn't get married. They argue again about what a Pekingese is and Talia tells her that she's pregnant. Michelle even offers to raise the baby with her. Talia is pissed.
Melanie is taking more pics and Dez points out that she's not using flash anymore. Dez is pretty funny, you know? He says that he thought, if Ginny and Charlie got together, they would have all double-dated. Melanie is like, no. Why not? Because. Dez says that his mother says that because is a word not a reason. Does she have a reason why not? No! She doesn't!
Rick shows up with a Pekingese for Talia. They're getting married. Michelle apologizes but Talia says that she doesn't need to. She was look out for her. They go to get married!
Meanwhile, Ginny is telling the girls that Cozette killed an antelope. Melanie asks if she was being threatened and it gets kinda roller derby for a second. Then, Michelle shows up all serious and throws the condom in front of the girls. The girls just look at it, stunned. Michelle sees what's going on (namely that the girls have no idea where that condom came from) and she silently picks it up and leaves. Sasha at first wonders if she was offering it to them, noting that doing that would have to be a crime. No, Melanie thinks that she thought it was theirs. Boo thought it was a mint. They have a little talk about condoms and how to buy them. Then, Boo says that she is on the pill. No, she's not having sex. Yes, she's on the pill. Her mom put her on it as soon as she found out about Carl. Wow, that's sticky territory. They have agreed not to have sex before senior prom, which a year and a half away. Sasha thinks that not having sex while on the pill is like having a super power and not using it. Dez shows up because he heard there were condoms. They send him away but not before he and Melanie share a look that everyone sees.
Bash tells everyone that they can go home. As they are packing, Frankie approaches Ginny and tells her that he will give her drawing lessons...since she told Cozette that she wanted them. Oh yes! She sends thanks to Cozette through Frankie. Bash leaves before sharing the champagne with Michelle. Rude. But then, the hero local firemen walk in. Godot is one of them. And, Michelle still has a condom in her pocket. Looks like another fire is going to get put out. Sorry. I had to do that.
Jeff Long is a writer/performer in Brooklyn. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com and followed on Twitter at @jblong. His Sissy Spacek in In The Bedroom is pretty special too.