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Michelle and Fanny have a ball putting together a fundraiser and the annual Nutcracker performance, filling Sasha's toe-shoes with a fairly insane nameless ringer and turning the town out in style. But before you know it, Michelle's wrecked things with Fanny's quasi-boyfriend, maced the Bunheads, and managed once again to piss off the entire town with an ill-timed and frankly bewildering Godot kiss.
Melanie and Ginny strike up a momentary truce regarding the Charlie Situation, but it won't last. Sasha meets a jock who turns into some kind of emo concept person, with all the organic realism this show has taught us to expect. Among the many wonderful dance sequences, there's a moment between Carl and Boo that's at least as squirmingly insane as anything else we've seen. And in the end -- and honestly, it's a surprise she hasn't managed this before now -- everybody ends up in the hospital.
...Where Michelle returns to her audition dream we sometimes see parts of, but this time the judge is Hubbell, who tells her she's remarkable and talented and that he brought her to Paradise to crack some nuts and make everybody feel weird and excited, like she did to him. It's a nice premise and all, and certainly a game attempt to make sense of the show on a basic level, but since her "shaking things up" has mostly amounted to being oddly rude to strangers and all the Truly abuse, it feels a little unearned.
What does feel right, though, is the relationships she's forged with the other characters. Sasha pulls out a literal Dead Poets Society "O Captain My Captain" routine as Michelle contemplates disappearing, and Hubbell's kindest ghost-advice involves pointing out that Fanny always wanted a daughter. As loathsome as the dated '90s references tend to be -- especially with straight rip-off, copy-of-a-copy stuff like this -- there's still a bit of an emotional payoff when you see how the characters find new ways to fit together.
For the show this show pretends to be, it would have made for a fine series or season finale. Of course, as it turns out it's neither: The show will be back in January with a couple months' worth of extra episodes. But the sense of completion, or at least of having experienced something beyond random flashes of light and sound, was an unexpected treat. For being such a friendly, cheerful mess -- not unlike Michelle herself -- the show has done the best it can to try and earn its keep, and I guess it's only fair to acknowledge that.
Come January, I suppose we'll be happy enough to see it back again. If only to keep the hope alive that America in 2012 is not yet so bleak that such a weirdly prickly fever dream -- about unhappy women without goals or tasks of any kind, with constantly shifting personality traits, equal parts grace and ungainly destructive flailing -- doesn't get its full due. Somewhere out there, the show is giving some kind of people some kind of satisfaction in some kind of way, and I suppose that deserves to continue at its own rocky, fucked up, bonkers pace. I suppose it's worth watching, after all, and not just in a snarky way: When the show's a trainwreck, it's a brilliant trainwreck. And apparently it now claims the option of being a television show as well. I wonder what that would look like.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
It doesn't really matter. You know what's neat, though? If this show had actually died the violent death I've on and off wished it, this episode would be the most perfect series finale. It's sharp and sweet and funny and has a story and characters in it, all the things that were lacking. Lovely dances, a serious moment of grace and redemption for almost everybody, and a feeling at the end that your time was well-spent.
"Such a shame about that finale," we'd say. "You really saw the potential there, at the end." But because there are loads of people smarter than me in this world, we don't have the say that. We can just say, "That's one way to keep me watching." It gets weird in parts and I still don't trust the motherfucker, but I'd rather feel that way than to watch this fairly great episode, and love it, and feel a little bad about all the chances it never should have gotten and all the different bizarre ways I approached writing about it, just to end up with this little truffle at the end.
NUTCRACKER PREP
Fanny's given Michelle the task of choreographing one of the dances in her Nutcracker, and she's about to see it. Michelle is very, very nervous. They are affectionate with each other, tender even, in a way where even the sharpest dialogue sounds like teamwork, like a routine, instead of open warfare.
Fanny: "...I always have an open mind."
Michelle: "Right, but you need to keep an open mind like other people keep an open mind. With a mind that's actually, you know, open."
Fanny: "How many times have I told you my production of The Nutcracker is the highlight of my year?"
Michelle, not exaggerating: "842."
Fanny: "And how many times have I told you that these two weeks of shows make up the bulk of my money for the year?"
Michelle: "1264."
Fanny: "I gave you one dance to choreograph."
Michelle: "The Evil Rat Dance, yes."
Fanny: "Mice! Evil mice!"
Michelle: "Anyhow, it's done, and it's great. I just put my own spin on it..."
Fanny: "-- Are they wearing pasties and G-strings?"
No, they are not. It's pretty awesome -- albeit an unfortunately timed mashup of two of the best dance sequences in Step Up Revolution, a cinematic wonder I can't recommend highly enough, without irony -- but the concept (businessmen, because they're rats; Clara on a table narrowly avoiding their little businessman claws; the other Bunheads as authoritarian metermaid ballerinas) is not as much of a possible problem as the Clara.
Michelle: "I, uh, needed someone to stand in for Clara, since we still don't have a Clara, so there's a temp in there..."
Fanny: "Terrific, you can dictate your resignation letter to her afterwards."
But it's not a temp, it's Clara. It's Sasha. Fanny stares, without speaking, and Michelle directs them to do the thing. And it's awesome. Fanny just stares, maybe gets a little misty. She doesn't speak for a good while. But she loves it.
PLANNING
Michelle and Fanny pass Chinese takeout back and forth, easily and breezily, as they go over the last minute things. Michelle pretends not to remember Fanny asking her to organize a fundraiser, and then giggles once she's freaked her out. They seem like family.
Fanny, tenderly: "You're pretty proud of yourself, aren't you?"
She asks, a bit quietly, what Michelle would think about running the place, alone. Not forever, just for a couple of months. Seems Michael has romantic ideas about Montana, and wants to whisk Fanny away. And Fanny wants to be whisked.
Fanny: "I found this wonderful cabin... Very rustic, but completely comfortable..."
Michelle: "So romantic! I'd be happy to take over, while you hang in the mountains with your boyfriend."
(Beat, during which Fanny graciously accepts.)
Michelle: "Which one of you is going to be Heath Ledger?"
Fanny: "You always end the conversation one sentence too late."
THE RINGER
Appears: A talented, never-still, intense young lady that Fanny called in, once Sasha's emotional extortion had her in a full panic.
Fanny: "I had her shipped down from San Francisco."
Michelle: "What's her name?"
Fanny: "I don't know her name, she's always just been called the Ringer. What am I going to do? She's terrifying!"
Michelle: "If Marvel Comics had a crime-fighting ballerina, this ballerina would kick that ballerina's ass."
The Ringer: "You're talking."
They both go silent and still, afraid of the Ringer and what she'll do. Eventually, feeling the heat, Michelle bounces -- "Good luck, cowboy!" -- and the Ringer turns her ire on Fanny. It's great, this whole thing is just great. She does ballet reading a magazine, and then snaps it shut: "BREAK'S OVER!" It truly is terrifying. She's like the Paris Gellar of this scene.
Up on the balcony, the Bunheads watch in fear and fascination before heading into the dressing room.
Bunheads: "Well, fuck this. Ballet is not for us, apparently."
Sasha: "Do you think Madame Fanny actually replaced me? ...Oh, you're not talking to me. Fabulous."
Michelle comes in and babbles at them for awhile before noticing that they're being bitches -- justifiably -- to Sasha, and pulls everybody in for a talking-to.
Sasha: "Why me? I'm not in a fight!"
Michelle: "You need a fourth. Watch The Craft."
Eventually she stares at them hard enough that it bugs Sasha's ADD and she explains all the boring Bunhead subplots: "Boo likes Charlie, Charlie likes Ginny, Melanie says Ginny can't date Charlie because Boo liked him first, but Ginny thinks since Boo likes Carl she relinquishes Charlie, who should revert back to the open market. And me, I wish we were all lesbians."
Heard that. Michelle explains that they're jerks and this is a nothing fight, and if Boo likes Carl then she gets Carl and should forget Charlie, and meanwhile Ginny and Melanie will no longer discuss Charlie, which is fair I think. Mostly I'd like it if Melanie forgot her brother existed. The other Bunheads promise not to be total assholes about Carl from now on, and the last five episodes vanish with a whooshing sound. Melanie does not, but all in all it's a good meeting.
Michelle joins Sasha at the window, where she's staring at the Ringer with a sort of hunger. Michelle fakely pretends that she doesn't know who or what or whence the Ringer, in a fake enough way that she's really not pretending at all, and just telling Sasha to take it up with Fanny. Which would be fair even if this weren't the result of Fanny being scatterbrained, which makes it doubly fair. Sasha takes the stairs.
Sasha: "Madame Fanny."
Fanny, innocently: "Sasha! Goodness, I didn't hear you come in. How are you?"
Fanny pretends not to notice the whirling dervish in the center of the room, and Sasha finally recognizes her. By her powers, if not her face. Sasha's back is beautifully bent forward, all anger and supplication.
Sasha: "Did you call in the Ringer?"
Fanny: "I did! I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do! What do we do? I'm so scared of her!"
Turns out she's been shipped there for the week, and Fanny can't send her back because she is, in fact, basically just a regular person. She assures Sasha that she's going to be Clara, and figures she can just give her another part. How will that work?
Sasha: "I don't know, do machines feel?"
Fanny: "Ah! You tell her. Yes! As part of your punishment, you go over there and tell her she's not Clara."
Sasha: "Are you... Afraid of her?"
Fanny: "No! This is a life lesson!"
There's a very canny moment in which you can actually see Sasha rising to the occasion, like it's a dare, and that even though she knows Fanny's scared of the Ringer and this whole thing is bullshit, she's damned certain she's not going to show fear in front of Madam Fanny. See, and in a regular Bunheads scenario this part -- where Fanny makes a mad dash for the door in case the Ringer goes insane -- would be the part where you're like, "That joke died and you keep flogging it," but for some reason the pace and tone are just right where the silliness is secondary to the hilarious visual of Fanny's ass scooting the hell out of there. Sasha steels herself for the confrontation.
Sasha: "I'm Sasha. Here is a Red Shoes joke about how scary you are."
Ringer: "I don't understand jokes. I wrap my feet in cellophane so the blood doesn't soak through."
Sasha: "Jesus. Anyway, you got shipped down here Coppelia-style..."
Ringer: "-- To play Clara. Yes. My body is ready."
Sasha: "Well, that's the thing. You're replacing me, but I am here, so..."
Ringer: "And where is it that you've been?"
Sasha: "Cheerleading, it was a whole thing. I had a tan line and blue hair. It was a very confusing time for us all."
The really intense part of this, besides her nonstop movement and Olympic level craziness, is the way she keeps using Sasha's body as a barre. Never pushing or shoving her, exactly, just using her to balance. It is a very effective technique.
Ringer: "Machines don't feel. Your kind... You got into ballet for the tutus..."
Sasha: "No, I did not. It was genetics..."
Ringer: "...Suddenly there's boys, and clothes, and... Cheerleading..."
Sasha: "Bitch, you don't know me. Whatever, you can have any other part, Fanny said. Could you stop dancing for like one second?"
Ringer: "Oh, I'll stop dancing. When I'm taking my bow, as the Clara of Paradise."
Sasha: "I don't know whether to make out with you or run straight through the wall away from you, leaving a Sasha-shaped hole."
OYSTER LOCATION
Rico: Is a weirdo burnout.
Melanie and Ginny are dressed in their sexy ballet cop uniforms, while Boo looks like the eldest daughter of a ranch owner; they are sick of pressing the flesh for this fundraiser and shaking the various gross hands of Paradise.
Melanie: "Carl? I think I saw him under the sink."
Ginny: "Melanie!"
Melanie: "That wasn't a short joke. He was literally under the sink, he must've dropped something. I didn't say he was living under the sink. God."
The Ringer chases Sasha -- dressed in Clara's nightgown -- through the fundraiser, and Ginny and Melanie smother Carl with horrible friendliness.
Bunheads: "Any plans for the summer?"
Carl: "Uh, camp?"
Bunheads: "S'mores! Awesome!"
Carl: "Yeah, I'm going to go now."
Melanie: "Bye Carl! You're way taller than Prince!"
Ginny: "Man, that was hard."
Melanie: "I think I actually pulled something..."
Charlie and his douchebag friends enter, of course. Melanie and Ginny have a momentary glitch, but don't worry. Everything's fine, Melanie and Charlie are disgusting and vicious with each other, God's in his heaven; Charlie invites Ginny to skulk elsewhere with him.
Michelle hits up Fanny and Michael for praise about the fundraiser, and Michael lets it slip that Fanny was super proud of her.
Fanny: "Don't tell her that!"
Michelle: "What else?"
Michael: "That you'd be over here in a minute, fishing for compliments. I said you were too good for that."
Fanny loves it; settles into the crook of his arm. Michelle notices Boo staring at the table and goes to take care of her.
Boo: "I totally blew it with Carl. I didn't even realize I liked him and now he won't talk to me."
Michelle: "You hurt his feelings, Boo. You did the damage, now you have to make it right. So get over there and make it right."
She returns to Fanny, having solved yet one more problem, and the look of self-satisfaction on her face scares Fanny to death. Given the preceding nine episodes, it's not exactly an unlikely response... Especially once Boo takes to the stage. Oh no. Oh, no no no. Boo, get down. I find you kind of mortifying on a good day, and now you're dressed like Prairie Dawn and about to do something dreadful. Oh boy. Oh boy, Boo.
"I'd like to take this opportunity to say something ... here ... in front of a lot of people. It's humiliating, and I deserve to be humiliated. Carl? I like you. You're great, and I think you're hot. And I am such a dope! A big stupid slobbering moron..."
Wow. I mean, it was going to be a bloodbath, but...
"I know tonight isn't about you and me... Not that there is a you and me, but if there was a you and me, tonight would definitely not be the night to discuss it. Here, or any public place probably..."
Fanny: "Holy shit. Get her out of there."
Michelle: "This is a fucking trainwreck! What have I done?"
"But you put it all out there for me once, and now it's my turn. You're amazing, and you liked me. And I was lucky, and I didn't realize that, and I was stupid, and I'm sorry, and I will be sorry forever."
Fanny: "Wait, this is awesome. Never mind."
Michelle: "Yeah. That's our girl."
"I don't expect you to forgive me, but if you ever decided that you want Ginger around again ... I'm here, Fred."
"Rainbow Connection," barfingly, starts playing, and everybody applauds her, and we get our second dance sequence of the episode. If you were under the impression that this song isn't played out, maybe you got a little tear in your eye. Mostly it's just happy to see Boo dancing.
Fanny: "Sometimes it's like this TV show is taking place on a spaceship. Like a hallucination, or a terrible, wonderful dream."
Michelle: "Yeah, but it's also cute at the same time. You can see how moms would like it. Or girls that are too close to their moms. Or ladies that wish they had been closer to their moms. People who wear sweaters with people or animals on them. Top hats like it's no big deal. Virgins. Or like, you come home after a hard day of helping them sell Girl Scout cookies outside a supermarket, and you put your feet up and watch this."
9:15
Fanny: "This frigging fundraiser, when will it end?"
Michelle: "Why are you so mad? Before the commercial break we were doing shots together, like in the pilot right before your son's life was brutally cut short. The last time anything made sense at all."
Fanny: "Check this shit out. Montana? That was Michael's deal, not our deal. He bought a piece of land, he's gonna build a house."
Michelle: "Did you tell him about the cabin?"
Fanny: "This isn't Battlestar Galactica, you foolish girl. The cabin was just a fantasy."
Michelle: "But what about how you want him and you love him and all that?"
Fanny: "He's never even owned a house, or a car, or... He even rented his tux for gigs, he said he didn't want to have Things. Now he wants Things, Things in Montana."
Michelle wants Things, too. She didn't know it until she met Fanny, but it's there. It's looking you right in the face. All the Things. At some point it's about believing you are worth them.
Charlie's Cute Buddy: "Melanie, I guess we should date? Since Charlie and Ginny... I mean, wouldn't it be easier and stuff? We're all always in the car, and..."
Melanie: (One unceasing scream.)
Ginny somehow manages to split Charlie's lip going in for a kiss, and goes running after Melanie. Love! Can be dangerous!
Michelle: "Michael..."
Michael: "Um, you're intelligent, very thin, and you have excellent hair..."
Michelle: "I need to talk about Montana. You bought land there?"
Michael: "Five acres. Not a lot, but enough to build a house ... maybe a recording studio out back... One snowstorm and we could be talking about the last fifteen minutes of The Shining. But I'm hoping for the best."
Michelle: "And Fanny? Does she get to be your Shelley Duvall?"
Michael: "Like I would hunt her down with an axe?"
Michelle: "On this show, who knows?"
Michelle: "My point is that Fanny thought Montana was ... about both of you."
Michael: "Fanny? In Montana? Come on..."
Michelle: "She found a cabin for the summer, I was going to take over the dance studio... It was a surprise. I thought you were going to settle down. And I'm sorry to butt in, but you know Fanny. She's so stubborn, and..."
Michael: "-- I understand. And I appreciate the information."
Her beautiful face, overjoyed and proud and so full of love for Fanny. You can see how she doesn't hear it, when he excuses himself to make a call. She buys him a drink, for when he comes back.
SASHA
Is discovered hiding between a bar and a cart by one of the cater-waiters, a young fella named Tyler that looks like the entire cast of The Lying Game at once, at whom she hisses in a very Sasha way.
Sasha: "That's my hiding place! I'm hiding from the Toe-Shoe Terminator! She's mental! She's lethal! She's pirouetting!"
Tyler: "I know you. You're a cheerleader. I play basketball."
Sasha: "Let's try and fail to discuss that."
Tyler: "Done. And now cheerleading, same thing."
Sasha: "As soon as I realized V-I-C-T-O-R-Y and their first names were all they could actually spell, I was outta there."
I guess it qualifies as a meet-cute; it certainly does on this show, especially once she gets him to push the busboy's cart back so she's back stuffed between it and the counter, still wearing a nightgown and ribbons in her hair.
GODOT
And Michelle does some clever-talking that is neither clever nor really talking, and he tells her he's going to Australia for a while? How long? Don't ask Godot. He is free as the wind. He kisses her in the middle of everything, and people stare, and then they just kind of make out in front of everybody. I don't get it.
STUDIO
Fanny screams at a girl I'm guessing is Ray-Ray about how boring her duet is with the other dancer of color, and then immediately cuts the number and gives Ray-Ray the Chinese Dance. Such is the way.
Ringer: "I don't understand pop culture references, cheerleader!"
Sasha: "You bug me! All the different ways!"
Ginny harangues the one girl that looks like blonde Melanie about the details of her Charlie situation, and elsewhere Sasha watches Boo dance. She and the Ringer both appreciate her dancing, which is sweet and neat that she doesn't hear them discussing her, and then the Ringer mentions how sometimes people put ground glass in their rival's shoes. Fanny cuts another Ray-Ray number, yells at Boo to bring her the tiny fan and fan her tinily, and then cuts Ray-Ray once again. Take that, Shonda! Boo figures out that Fanny is pissed, but not about the Michael part -- which we still don't know what happened, if there was more to it -- but which either way is the most strange part, because this is only the second or third time Ray-Ray has ever been on the show and now... You see what I'm saying?
AFTER CLASS
Ginny: "Maybe it's too soon to think about prom since it's still a couple years off but forming a perfect prom-night potential-sex contingency plan takes time, it's a delicate matter. Now, assuming we haven't consummated the relationship yet a gentle but definitive No message has to be delivered in a way that doesn't make him feel like less of a man. However, if the deed has been done already then you have to make sure he doesn't take you to a cheap dump just because you've already given it up..."
Bunhead: "You know I'm only twelve, right? So you're being pretty gross."
Ginny is, of course, using up all her words she'd usually be sharing with Melanie, but it all comes to naught when Charlie drives up and they realize the weirdness is still going to be weird. All of which can be solved by them realizing that this problem is still not a problem.
NUTCRACKER NIGHT
Fanny is dressed so amazing! I don't even know. Like something Spencer Hastings would wear, I can't even describe it. She's like this Tallulah Bankhead man-maestro, or a turn-of-the-century cross-dressing spy on a transatlantic voyage. Is she playing Drosselmeyer? I bet that's it, actually. Whatever is going on, it's fabulous.
Fanny, spazzing: "I'm too old for this crap!"
Michelle: Yeah."
Fanny: "The hell?"
Michelle: "Just sit down and let me fix your lashes. You're coming up on Boo eyebrow territory."
Fanny: "Would you look at that. I must have been looking this crazy for hours."
Everybody: Mentions the A/C like a million times.
Michelle produces a flowered dufflebag -- you know how I feel about giant purses, this is exactly why -- explaining that it's her "Zombie Apocalypse Vegas Slut Bag," i.e., everything you need in every situation, from Power Bars to flaxseed oil. She points out the boob tape, the condoms and handcuffs -- "You're like an X-rated Mary Poppins!" -- and the Band-Aids, the rape whistle, the burner phone (?), the "lipstick case you can hide some cyanide in" (???), and of course, the "Pretty Mace."
Michelle: "Comes in a pretty little shiny bottle that if I pulled it out would say to the zombie apocalypse mugger, Don't be afraid of my pretty shiny bottle. It won't do anything ... but blind you!"
And yes, this is just the same Bunheads problem in a new, ever-evolving form -- bullshit you have a burner phone in there, give me a break -- but just as with the other stuff, it just somehow works.
Maybe the show finally made me crazy, I don't know. There'd be no way for me to know that.
Fanny flees the nonstop crazy banter, and just as she's making the announcement, fifteen minutes to curtain, Michelle pulls her up short.
Michelle: "Fanny? The show's going to be great."
Fanny grins cutely, nearly blows her a kiss, and sets off into the house.
Ginny & Melanie: Are bitches to each other.
Sasha & Ringer: Are bitches to each other.
Ginny & Melanie: Are bitches to each other.
Everybody: Mentions the A/C a few more times.
Ginny: "Who are you to talk about dating? Who have you ever dated, except your cousin?"
Melanie: "He wasn't my cousin! I only called his mom aunt because we're close!"
Michelle breaks 'em up, but thankfully not before that last little bit. Just great stuff.
THE SHOW
Herr Drosselmeyer Fanny comes out, whipping her purple-lined cape around and being amazing in everybody's face, then the incroyables and merveilleuses, and finally Clara -- thankfully, it's Sasha -- and they start the story in earnest. Were you really wondering how much of this shit they would actually put onscreen? Just enough that it's fun.
Inside, everybody's hot, so Michelle runs down the line of dancers to cool them down... with the Pretty Mace. And then also herself. Everybody screams and freaks --
Boo: "My eyes are melting!"
-- but because Sasha is magnificent, she drags everybody back out on the floor, blind. What follows is a horror, ballerinas running into walls, writhing, tripping over each other, backstage and onstage both... Michelle calling out for Sasha ("Marco? Polo!") and finally the Ringer, taking Sasha's place onstage among the shrieking, choking, sobbing, vomiting, blind and wretched human wreckage, dances all alone. Even as the ambulances arrive, and the parents call for backup, and the building is evacuated, the Ringer continues to dance, and dance, and dance.
...And that, my friends, is what Bunheads could be. Never in my most hopeful mood, or fucked up on drugs, or both, could I have come up with that. Hats off.
HOSPITAL
Melanie: "How are your eyes?"
Ginny: "The left one's back. I hate Charlie."
Melanie: "Heh. Me too."
Whatever. Maybe I missed something. [Charlie had another girl in the car when he showed up at the dance school. - Angel] I'm not going back to find out. I hate Charlie too, it's not that complicated an idea.
Michelle: "Katrina? Stephanie? Anna Maria? Anna Maria? Anna Maria?"
Boo: "You know, we don't actually have an Anna Maria."
Michelle: "No? Who's the girl I call Anna Maria?"
Boo: "That's Casey."
Michelle: "Hey, Casey. You can't go four months letting someone call you Anna Maria."
Michelle, still blind, addresses a bizarre cardboard standup of a nurse instead of a real nurse, about how she doesn't have time to be checked out medically because she maced the children and must make sure they're okay.
After work, Tyler is hilariously goth -- Bauhaus t-shirt, chain necklace, fifty wrist straps -- and also his name is Roman now. Sasha is happy to hear that he is crazy, and they chat.
Roman: "So what are you in for? I was in an intense mosh pit. My existence on this show is a tragedy in every way but one."
Sasha: "My ballet teacher maced us during a production of The Nutcracker."
Roman: "That is awesome!"
Sasha: "I know. Hey, how come you look like a goth from somebody's idea of a million years ago when that was relevant or funny, but now it's just kind of confusing?"
Roman: "I have gone through quite a few changes since the fundraiser where we met."
Sasha: "I lost my shit too."
When Fanny comes to find Michelle, the nurse asks if they are family. The answer is yes. They babble and talk over one another, but the answer is yes. She's satisfied.
Fanny: "So, how are ya?"
Michelle: "Face hurts."
Fanny: "Yes, large doses of self-inflicted pepper spray will do that to a person."
Michelle: "Yeah. I'm so sorry..."
Fanny: "Fuck that. You maced every person there. In my Nutcracker. You got the whole thing. Nailed every last dewdrop. I had to cancel the shows, two whole weeks canceled. Do you know how bad this is? I will be lucky if these parents don't drag me into court and have me flogged..."
Michelle: "They don't flog people in California."
Fanny: "You're a lawyer? You know the law?"
Michelle: "I know they don't flog..."
Fanny: "Well I don't know that, I'm not as wise and worldly as you are, I didn't live in Vegas and date gangsters. I should've known something like this would happen. Bad luck was in the air. When I got up this morning and Michael was gone just like that it was a sign."
Michelle doubles down, as they say leans into it, and explains about Montana. Fanny flips out on her, somewhat righteously/rightfully:
"You don't know me well enough by now to know that if I wanted him to know about the cabin, and my plans, and what I expected to happen, I would've told him myself? You are the bad luck! Ever since you got here, ever since Hubbell... You know what, fuck it."
Afraid to cry, Fanny leaves Michelle to feel blind and terrible. She knows how she sounds. She knows what she said.
AUDITION
She dances for them, walks in and smiles in the dark; she gives her music to the pianist and dances for them. Maybe this time I'll be lucky, she sings. Maybe this time, for the first time... I'll be home at last.
Michelle, again: "Hello? What did you think?"
Hubbell: "...Wow."
It's a dream, so she's not surprised, or sad. It's like he's just been around the corner. Her smile comes bright. "Where have you been?" She tells him everything's the same as he left it. Everything in its right place. "I've tried really hard not to rock the boat," she lies, and he smiles.
Hubbell: "You're here to rock the boat. You know she always wanted me to dance?"
Michelle: "Amazing."
Hubbell: "She would've liked a girl."
They're in the living room, now, among all the Things, Fanny's bricabrac; they're broken. A table full of ceramic frogs, different sizes and shapes. Some more suited to it than others. Some less beautiful. Some with bigger thighs, or breasts.
Michelle: "I'm doing it again. I'm ruining everything..."
Hubbell: "You can fix it."
Michelle: "I don't even know that I'm doing it!"
Hubbell: "I need glue."
Michelle: "You're my glue."
Hubbell: "These four are fine."
Back in the studio, in different outfits now. "I was supposed to take care of them. I was supposed to help them. I was supposed to be better, for them... I don't want them to be like me." The sound keeps changing, and the light. "Everything is different," he says. The girls dance, in silhouette. "You should look around."
She misses him. There was a part of her that she didn't know about. Everything is different. "Would it have worked?" she asks. "Would I have stayed?" He kisses her hand, and she wakes up again.
HOSPITAL
It was pretty weird, but not the weirdest thing. Certainly not that out of line, given what we've seen this show is capable of pulling. I kind of liked it. She wakes into hell, though, everybody screaming, the parents all over Fanny. Demanding that Michelle -- this is the worst part -- be kept away from their kids. She fucked Godot at the fundraiser, they're saying. She damaged their children. She was supposed to be better.
Sasha sees her leaving, her wounded face, and leads the charge. They stand on their chairs, up and down the line, half of them bewildered. "O Captain, my Captain!" they shout. It breaks her heart, it makes her cry. She leaves anyway. She thanks them, and she leaves. She was always going to leave.
JANUARY
Eight new episodes. As usual, I have no idea what to think about that. See you then, possibly?
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Pretty Little Liars and True Blood and until today Bunheads, for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.