Previously on Buffy: Aw, c'mon. Let's not worry about that. Let's just move on to the episode. But it figures the time I finally decide to skip 'em, they're only about forty seconds long.
Buffy and Angel are kissing. Then they stop. David Boreanaz looks a little cross-eyed here. Both actors blink a lot, leading me to believe that the fumes from the torches are getting to them. Or that they're expressing some sort of emotion signified by blinkiness, which would be -- um, I'm stumped, because I don't think they're crying. Buffy believes basking in Batboy's blundering bathos is beneficial. Angel explains that he came to Sunnydale to deliver the Wolfram & Hart file; he and Buffy discuss the fact that she's facing The First Evil, which is "raising an army." That must be Buffy's shorthand for "I know The First has already gathered its army and it's sitting right under the Hellmouth, and I know that the soldiers of that army don't actually need to exit by the Seal since we encountered some übervamps in the sewers last week, and frankly I'm baffled as to why The First hasn't acted yet, or why it scared off all the Sunnydale residents, or why it led me right to a weapon it had uncovered but knew it couldn't use, but we don't have time to discuss all that and I'm all lightheaded from the kissing, so I'll just say it's raising an army." Angel's about to hand over the Wolfram & Hart file when Caleb jumps up and punches him really hard with a statue of a cat. Perhaps it's cat-goddess Bast? Angel and the file both go skidding across the floor, which looks funny in slo-mo because Angel's legs wave around like he's dancing on his stomach. Oh, and I was slo-moing there to see what Caleb hit Angel with, because I thought it was a model horse-head, which seemed like a very, very odd decorating choice for an Egyptian-style tomb. Caleb has a black, yucky pudding-like substance running out his eyes, and he sounds like his mouth is full of it too when he yells at Buffy, "Are you weady to fwinish this? Bwitch!" I'm assuming that's a rhetorical question and Caleb isn't going to pull out his Franklin Covey Day Planner (tastefully bound in the tanned skin of innocents and accessorized with a cunning demon-skull charm) if Buffy replies she isn't, in fact, ready to finish this. "Well, bitch, I don't think I'll be available at one, because I have a lunch meeting with The Great Satan, but I might be able to squeeze you in before my 4 PM hot stone massage. Those übervamps really know their pressure points!" Buffy looks surprised that The Vessel of The First, whom she only vaguely slashed across the stomach, might not have been dead after all. Should've saved the kissing for post-dismemberment of your enemies, Buffy.
Credits. Aw. Now I'm blinking a lot. I do find it a little strange even now, though, that the credits this season end on a shot of First Buffy, rather than real Buffy.
Buffy swings The Little Red Axe That Could at Caleb. He blocks with Bast. Buffy does a backwards somersault. More axe swinging, more cat-blocking. Caleb gets frustrated, throws the statue at Buffy, and misses. Hee! They face off and exchange non-quippage. Caleb still has pudding dribbling out of his eyes and mouth as he works up to giving Buffy a real good chidin' about what a weakling she is. Buffy makes a succinct rejoinder -- in the form of an axe to his groinal region. She lodges the axe but good and then jerks it upwards, cutting him in half. Not that impressed with the Little Red Axe. I mean, how hard is it to cut up a straw man? We get a sound effect indicating that the two halves of Caleb have dropped to the ground, but no visual. CGI budget all spent on the Hellmouth blue-screen at the end, or grisly effect nixed by UPN's supposedly non-existent Standards and Practices department? Your choice. I remember a nice splitting effect on the Mayor's head in Season Three and I thought we might see something like that here. I know, I know, I complain about the violence on the show and then whine when I can't see the bodies. So inconsistent. I just think it would've been a mite more satisfying to see Dead Caleb. Although, of course, I'm snorting at the idea that defeating misogyny could ever be that simple.
Angel pops up, all pissed and ready to rumble, demanding, "Where is he?" Buffy does a dramatic eye-roll to the left and a dramatic eye-roll to the right and quips, "He had to split!" I perform an eye-roll of my own, but I must admit that it's a slightly amused one. Buffy giggles at her stupid joke. Oh, look! Spike's still sulking in the shadows. The First taunts him, but this whole plot amounts to nothing, so I'm just cruising on by. Angel retrieves his file folder from a corner and then pulls the Amulet of Assitude (tm Strega) out of his pocket. Buffy jokes, "I can already tell you, I have nothing that goes with that!" I think my six-year-old neighbor has one of those in her My Pretty Princess kit, though. In any case, that thing is a truly, truly, truly outrageous gem. Still holding the amulet up in the air, Angel explains that he doesn't know much about it, but it does "have purifying power, a cleansing power, and possibly…scrubbing bubbles." See, he had Wes do the translation, so he's just not sure what the damn amulet really does. And isn't Angel awfully chipper for a guy who just slashed his only son's throat? Hmm -- I'm making a connection here. Ah, yes -- like me, Angel must've vowed to just try to enjoy this moment and not be all burdened by the bitterness of past events and wasted potential. He's pulling it off better than I am, but forget I said anything about him killing Connor, 'kay? We're all very happy here. In addition to the cleansing powers, the Pretty Princess Pendant also gives the wearer strength, and, very, very conveniently, should only be worn by "someone ensouled, but stronger than human." Wow, it's like whoever made it knew Angel and Spike personally! Angel continues that the wearer should be "a champion." Shudder. Not the "c" word. Please, not the "c" word! I got this far without it and was getting a little cocky that it'd be stuck in Strega's realm forever, and then they hit me with it in the final hour. Anyway, it turns out that we're a tad short on champions on this show -- which explains why Spike ends up wearing it. Sigh. Angel wants to wear the Pretty Princess Pendant and says it's too risky for Buffy. Hey, Angel just referred to Buffy's weapon as an axe, not a scythe. Remind me why I ever thought he was stupid? While they're discussing weapons and jewelry, Spike sulks out of the crypt without either of our two heroes noticing. For a second, Buffy seems happy to think that Angel will be fighting beside her, but then she tells him he has to leave, because the WB only authorized him for an afternoon of shooting, not a whole week. Wait, I guess I misheard. She wants him to leave and establish a second front in Los Angeles in case she can't beat The First.
Angel believes that's one reason why Buffy doesn't want him to stay, and asks what the other reason is. Buffy insists that she doesn't have one and stomps outside, Angel following. He tells her he can smell Spike on her. Oh! So that's the real reason Spike was written into the Tomb of the Useless Guardian scenes? Not to be tempted by The First, but so that Angel could smell him in Buffy's vicinity and we could launch into a "what does this non-relationship mean to you?" discussion with Buffy's other vampire ex? Greeeat. Angel mopes, "Is he your boyfriend?" and his tone makes me laugh out loud. I really get a kick out of Angel's dopiness sometimes. But honestly, how high school is this? Is this part of all those promises to "go back to the beginning" that were bandied about by ME in interviews? Buffy's voice reflects a world of exhaustion I can really relate to when she replies, "Is it really any of your business?" She walks away, and Angel hurries after, demanding, "Areyouinlovewithhim?" Hee. Funny. I find Angel's stupid insecurity and dog-in-the-manger-ness here a million times more entertaining than all the "Saint Spike praises Beatific Buffy" drivel we've had to suffer through in the past few episodes. Joss's Angel seems a lot more like a real guy than Jane's romance-novel dialogue-spouting Spike McHunkychest does. Angel is confuzzled that Buffy is/was/whatever involved with Spike, and Buffy actually says -- wait for it -- "It's different. He has a soul now." KHAN! But you know, I'm just stumped for an appropriate quip here. Last episode ever, Buffy utters the one line we've come to hate and mock the most and -- I've got nothing. I'm sorry; I'm hanging my head in shame for failing you guys. And smiling a little, because hearing that line uttered YET AGAIN really takes the sting out of losing this show. Angel digests the fact that he now has competition in the ensouled arena and bobbles about, hurt. He blinks some more and incredibly insincerely offers up, "Oh. Well. That's…great!" Then under his breath: "Everyone's got a soul now." And I'm so amused that I'm totally not caring that this Angel is pretty inconsistent with the Angel from "Home." Did I mention how happy we all are here. Because we are. Happy. Angel whines, "You know, I started it. The whole 'having a soul.' Before it was all the cool new thing" Snicker. Buffy's disgusted and demands, "Oh my god! Are you twelve?" Just what I was thinking. Angel sulks about getting the "brush-off" in favor of Spike, and they bicker some more. I'm amused, but the amusement abruptly ends when Buffy describes Spike as a bizarre strain of heartworm. See, he's "in [her] heart." I think they have medications for that, Buffy -- ask your vet.
I was going to say that this is where this scene starts dragging, but then I remembered my happy resolve. Love this scene! Buffy says she doesn't see "fat grandchildren in the offing with Spike," and I'm going to resist making any jokes about the six-percent body fat that Spike and Buffy have, combined, most likely not leading to any grandchildren, let alone "fat" ones. The rest of this scene is drowned out by what sounds like the Concorde flying repeatedly right over Buffy and Angel's heads, but Sep tells me it must have been a local audio problem because she didn't have it where she lives. Thank goodness for closed captioning, eh? Buffy has figured out a thing or two about herself recently. She used to think she was deficient because her relationships didn't work out, but she's finally opened her eyes and realized that, in that aspect, she's a perfectly normal twenty-two-year-old. A young person, with no reason to settle down and many, many experiences to still enjoy. Well, actually I'm paraphrasing. There's a whole strange baking analogy wherein Buffy says, "I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking." Sep and I bickered a little over what kind of cookie Buffy will become. I believe Sep won by declaring, "Buffy is a SNICKERDOODLE!" Can't argue with that. Buffy muses that one day she might be "cookies" and "done" and find a guy to eat her. Uh, "enjoy warm, delicious cookie [Buffy]." On the one hand, I was very, very happy to see the message that not every relationship is the stopping point, especially when you're young. That relationships aren't failures or wastes of time simply because they end. That it's good to explore who you are and have a variety of experiences before settling down. I don't even mind the dough analogy, silly as it is. I'll just quibble that I don't think we're ever "done" becoming our adult selves. I get what Buffy's saying, though, and it's fantastically nice to see her make a genuine realization about herself and get the chance to articulate it to someone. Why were we so deprived of real character moments like this for Buffy all season? I'm laughing, though, thinking this is her Kelly Taylor moment, as she is quite clearly saying, "I chose me!" Snerk. Angel offers up that he, um, likes cookies and wonders if Buffy might be sharing in the future. She can't tell him -- she doesn't think that far ahead. He gives her the Pretty Princess Pendant and walks away. As he goes, Buffy calls after him that if she's ever going to show up at his door with a plate of warm snickerdoodles, it will "be a long time coming, years, if ever." Over his shoul
der, Angel replies, "I ain't getting any older." I have the Season One cast photos that say differently, Boreanaz.
Buffy walks in the front door at the Summers home. Dawn's waiting for her, with an arch, pissed-off look on her face. She kicks Buffy in the shin. Hee. I know the feeling. And those pointy-toed boots she's wearing must've hurt. Hee. Dawn calls Buffy a "dumbass." I know that feeling too -- I think Dawn is my stand-in at the moment. Buffy's boggled and then realizes that Xander is back too, sitting in the dining room with Anya petting his hair. He shrugs off Dawn's kick as a violent "Summers thing." "If you get killed, I'm telling," is Buffy's response to Dawn, and another conflict gets brushed under the carpet. Impending apocalypse is a wonderful way to get off the hook for annoying behavior, isn't it? I wonder how much Buffy will actually enjoy her normal life after this episode, when people around her won't have such a pressing reason to forget her snitty conduct. No! I take it all back! I'm happy! I love Buffy! Willow and Giles are also in the dining room, and Willow wants to know what Buffy has discovered about the axe. Wow, I forgot that that little mission is what led up to all the Angel-dorking. Buffy shares that she "julienned" Caleb, and the gang is excited. "Hey, party in my eye socket and everyone's invited," enthuses Xander, and if you've ever read that one James Ellroy novel, your mind just went to a very bad place. In fact, even without the Ellroy, that line's no picnic.
Spike's in the basement, punching on the boxing bag. Buffy comes downstairs to join him, and Spike sulks at her about kissing Angel. When she tells him that Angel's gone, Spike sulks at her about whether Angel "popped by for a quickie then." That's our Spike -- never passes up an opportunity to be crude. Spike tells Buffy that Angel wears lifts, which is really, really rich coming from the original wee one himself. I wouldn't be calling attention to my shortcomings that way, Spike. Geddit? "Shortcomings," 'cause he's short? Oh, fine. Buffy wanders about, complaining about "jealous vampire crap," and I'm thinking, hey, she's the one who won't stop hanging out with them. If they bug you so much, Buffy, just quit it. The less said about her Angel 'n' Spike oil-wrestling fantasies as described here, the better. As she walks by the training bag, we see a little drawing Spike has stuck onto it. The pictured face has fangs, and stupid hair that sticks straight up, so I suspect it's supposed to be Angel. Looks a lot like Butthead, though! If he were a vampire. Spike wants to wear the Pretty Princess Pendant, because he's found the perfect little black outfit and he fancies adding some sparkle. Nah, he says he wants it because he's someone with a soul "but more than human." Ah, just hold on a second there, puppy. I believe Angel said "stronger than human," not "more than human." Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Buffy bestows the Pretty Princess Pendant upon Spike, calling him the "c" word in the process. He shows some good taste in being a little reluctant to accept that title. Buffy obliquely asks to spend the night in the basement, and Spike sends her away on account of her "Angel-breath," saying he has his pride. She starts to leave, and he darts in front of her, blurting out, "The whole 'having my pride' thing was just a smokescreen." Oh, Spike. We know you don't have any pride. I suspect it's one of the things Buffy loves about you. She's relieved she can stay, and Spike tells her, "I don't know what I would've done if you'da gone up those stairs." Huh. Probably followed her in under three minutes. But honestly, that was a romantic Spike moment that actually felt romantic to me. Rock on, Joss. Buffy reaches out to gently touch his face.
Fade out, and fade in on Buffy and Spike lying (fully clothed, people!) on the cot. Spike's asleep, but Buffy is awake, stroking his arm. She gets up and paces around the dark basement, thinking about the fight to come, I suppose. Caleb manifests from the dark behind her. Oh, turds. I thought we'd seen the last of him. Rather than seeing an enemy Buffy just Ginsu'd here, I think this might've been a great place to bring back Joyce or someone who could really tweak Buffy's head. First Caleb sulks about Buffy killing Real Caleb, and am I supposed to be laughing here? It's just amusing to think of an enemy who comes calling to kvetch about you winning a battle. It's like Saddam Hussein stopping by the White House during "Operation Iraqi Freedom" to bend Bush's ear about how unfair it was of him to bomb one of Saddam's palaces. "Hey, George baby. Oh, I'm sorry, were you eating? No, carry on. Well, I just came by to tell you that -- say, are those snickerdoodles?! Mind if I take one? Thanks. Well, George, I gotta say -- these bombings really hurt, man. Really brought me low. I thought we were simpatico, buddies, friends. Just wanted to let you know how bad your actions made me feel, George. Well, I'll be leaving now. Um, mind if I have another cookie?" Back in the basement, First Caleb and Buffy trade barbs, and I think Buffy wins the battle of "wits" when she suggests, "Have you ever considered a cool name? I mean, since you're incorporeal and basically powerless. How 'bout 'The Taunter'?" Hey, I laughed. First Caleb reveals another crumb of The First's motivations by claiming that when its armies "outnumber the humans on this Earth," it will achieve corporeality. Er, corporealness. Well, whatever. Why it's aiming for that goal, or why it's been so pointedly focused on ineffectively killing just potential Slayers, or why…oh, right. Puttin' on a happy face for the finale. Just forget all that pesky motivation stuff! It doesn't matter. If there's anything we've learned from James Bond films, it's that megalomaniacal villains always have hazy and poorly planned motivation. It's a genre thang. First Caleb tells Buffy that no one can help her and, morphing into First Buffy, reminds her that there's only one Slayer and the Slayer is always alone, will die alone. Everyone dies alone. Sad but true. Buffy stares at her doppelganger and seems to be thinking, "Hmm -- Dawn's not crazy after all. That color foundation really isn't right for me!" The pause is long enough that First Buffy wants to know where Real Buffy's snappy comeback is. Real Buffy's reply is, "You're right." Spike suddenly starts wiggling, and still in his sleep, bursts out, "I'm drowning in footwear!" First Buffy vanishes. Spike wants to know if Buffy is okay, and she tells him, "I just realized something. Something that really never occurred to me before. We're gonna win." She's going to drown The First in footwear?
Buffy has Giles, Dawn, Xander, Anya, and Faith gathered in her bedroom. We see the shocked faces of the Scoobies reflected in the wardrobe mirror. Silence, and then Buffy asks, "What do you think?" Xander wants to know if Buffy is kidding, and Faith suggests that the plan is "pretty radical." Giles stands up, saying, "It flies in the face of everything we've ever -- every generation has ever done, in the fight against evil." He pauses, breaks into a grin, and continues, "I think it's bloody brilliant." Mm! Whoops, sorry. It's shameful how quickly a smile and a little supportive action will make me go running back to Giles, isn't it? Tony Head is such a charming man -- tell me again why they had him playing Giles as such a freak all season? If there'd been an ounce of story there, a scrap of motivation, I might've rolled with it, but I never understood why. Will no one TELL ME WHY?! Erm, sorry. Happy happy joy joy! Giles (sigh) continues smiling (sigh), and I even forgive him for telling Buffy the plan is brilliant when the rest of the episode reveals it to be half-baked and bizarre. 'Cause I'm the happy finale recapper, remember? Willow dithers about being key-guy in the plan, but la-la-la-la I can't hear her because real Willow died in England last summer and this is just some washed-out simulacrum. Simulacrum Willow is worried about the "total loss of control" the plan entails for her, and TMIs about Kennedy's pierced tongue in the process. Giles tells her she can do it, and offers to contact that mythical coven they yapped about a lot at the start of the season. Dawn and Giles head out to do research, with possible spin-off establishing lines: Dawn calls herself "Watcher Junior" and Giles implies that he'll be contacting the dead for information. Xander and Anya leave too. Buffy, Faith, and Willow are left alone in the bedroom. Buffy hands Simulacrum Willow The Little Red Axe That Could.
The Ghost of Real Willow. She studies in her bedroom with Kennedy. Ghost of Willow is all insecure about being the big gun. It's nothing you haven't already seen twenty-one times this season. Kennedy says she'll keep Ghost of Willow grounded, which is pay-off for the kite string speech a couple weeks ago, I suppose. Except it's really the furthest thing from a pay-off ever, and the writers owe me huge piles of money sacks, each with a great big dollar sign on the side. Now that would be a pay-off. Ghost of Willow tells Kennedy that Kennedy will have to kill her (Ghost of Willow) if she (Ghost of Willow) goes all dark again. Damn imprecise English pronouns. Kennedy is reluctant and counters, "Buffy believes in you." Ghost of Willow's reply? "Buffy: Sweet girl. Not that bright." Snurf. Okay, Willow can have her name back for that one. Kennedy admits that she's a brat and tells Willow that she always gets her way, so Willow will make it through this. They kiss, and Willow gets back to studying. If only I cared. I mean -- happy. Very happy to see Willow happy.
Giles is in the dining room with Xander. They're pointing at a map and clarifying positions. Xander says he's to the pillar, defending that area, and Giles says, "That puts me over by the door, with demons around the perimeter. Right! I open the door." See, you think they're preparing for the battle tomorrow, but then the camera pans over to Andrew, who's wearing a hood and acting as the dungeon master. Okay, I smiled. It's cute to see Giles playing a game. Andrew tells Giles he's been "confronted by Trogdor the Burninator," and Giles rolls the die to fight. He's been badly wounded. Ouch! And his bag of illusions will get him nowhere. This is all Klingon to me, actually. Hey, Millie is there playing too, and she thwarts Andrew by freezing Trogdor in time. "This could get ugly!" crows Xander, and Giles sulks, "Could it possibly get uglier? I used to be a highly respected Watcher and now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily." You'll always be strong to me, Giles. Giles wishes he could get some sleep, and Millie wonders, "What kind of person could sleep on a night like this?" The camera pans further down the table, and we see Anya, sacked out facedown in some books. Xander rumples her hair affectionately.
Buffy is outside, on the front porch. Alone. Because, well, you know the drill by now.
Spike sits in the basement, playing with the Pretty Princess Pendant. Oh, shite. Buffy's come downstairs to see him. I hope there's no macking coming up. Nope, there's a fade-out. Oh, so that's where Spuffy fans were imagining the sex scene, not the night before. Huh. Well, whatever it was, I'm just glad I didn't have to see it. Thank you, Joss! I love this series finale!
A big yellow school bus is parked in front of the school. Wood gets a power-walk moment as he strides in with the troops behind him. He hero-talks, "Welcome to Sunnydale High. There's no running in the halls, no yelling, no gum chewing. Apart from that, there's only one rule: if they move, kill them." Well, I guess it's a nice twist that Sunnydale High's final principal is there for the final battle. Buffy steps up to Wood and starts giving out orders. The Junior Misses are to follow Faith and Spike to the basement. Xander reminds the girls to stop for a bathroom break now. Kennedy takes Willow's supplies to start setting up their location in Wood's office, right over the Hellmouth. Wood explains that everyone else upstairs will be guarding three strategic areas against the possible escape of the Notsies who get by Buffy and the Misses. Giles and Wood take the lounge, where the vamps are most likely to head. Buffy asks Xander to pair up with Dawn, and they head for the atrium. That leaves Andrew and Anya guarding the north hall. Man. These just don't seem like the most effective teams. Oh, Anya. Sniff. Anyway, Andrew is happy to die for the cause, and Xander encourages Anya to use him as a human shield. Andrew wants to read a speech he's prepared, but Anya mercifully drags him off before he gets too far. Dawn tells Buffy, "I'm going to check out our field of engagement," and whirls off towards the atrium. Buffy hurries after her, but Dawn stops her, saying, "Anything you say is going to sound like goodbye." She walks away. Buffy ignoring Dawn completely since "Help" really robs this scene of much of its emotional impact, so I think really, really hard about my own sister and how much I love her and how much I liked the Buffy/Dawn interaction back in Season Five so that I can feel a little something here.
Dawn having departed, Buffy returns to the gang. It's just the core Scoobs now, standing in a circle, with all the various riff-raff they've picked up over the years jettisoned. Xander, Buffy, and Willow start an animated, overlapping dialogue about going to the mall tomorrow. Y'know, after the world has been all saved. Giles comments that he feels invisible. He must've been reviewing his appearances this season. The kids walk off, and Giles mumbles, "The Earth is definitely doomed." Huh. That didn't really work for me. As much as I wish that the Scoobs had more in common with their former selves, the fact remains that they aren't those people anymore, and you can't just shove them into those old shoes. I would've appreciated that scene more if I felt it was informed at all by who they are now, rather than just parroting a punchline from Season One. Ah, well. Won't have to deal with it again after the twenty-eight minutes. Oh, right. I'm being Happy McRecappy. Sorry, it's fading. I liked the first half better.
Cut to Buffy, Xander, and Willow walking down the hall. Willow briefly touches Xander's back, then breaks off from the group and heads to Wood's office. Buffy reaches out and gives Xander's hand a squeeze right when he reaches his destination. Aw, see? That worked for me and made me feel squishy towards Buffy. I'm glad. She needs all the redeeming in my eyes that she can get. Some more simple quiet moments like that would've been a nice replacement for the scene above that clunked so much for me. Buffy and Xander share a look, and Buffy continues on alone. Because -- have you heard? The Slayer is always alone. I know. It came as a big shock to me too! Down in the basement, Buffy passes by Spike, and he follows her into the seal chamber. All the Junior Misses are standing in a circle around the Seal. Buffy takes her place by Faith, who hands her a knife. "You first, B," she says. Buffy cuts along her palm, drawing blood. You'd think, with a big fight coming up, that she might cut somewhere that would be a little less painful when she's going to be wanting to hold a weapon. Plus cutting the palm of your hand always seemed really dangerous to me. Aren't your tendons right there? I guess I shouldn't expect too much from a gal who goes to fight the ultimate evil in what looks like a pair of painfully pointy-toed cowboy boots. We pan out: all the Junior Misses and the Slayers circling the Seal of Danzig, their bleeding palms held over it. The Seal begins to open. And if there's one thing I can honestly say that ME has done masterfully this season, it's that they've fucked with continuity so much that I can't even begin to guess if opening the Seal should be possible despite Andrew dribbling his Saliva of Salvation over it. I expect an übervamp or two to be waiting around underneath the Seal to rush out, kinda like my cat does when I get home, but they all must be sacked out on windowsills or occupied licking their food dishes instead. Buffy and Faith head down the stairs. Stairs! There are stairs. I guess Sep was right last week.
In Principal Wood's office, Willow sits facing Kennedy. Candles and other paraphernalia litter the floor around Willow. She's all, "Ready to kill me?" and Kennedy's all, "Getting there," and I'm all, "I already did. In my recap for 'Touched.' Remember?" Willow places her hands on The Little Red Axe That Could. "C'mon, Red," breathes Kennedy, "make it happen." There's a joke about Kennedy's pillow talk there just waiting for me to…ew. Forget I said anything. The score starts to remind me a little of Raiders of the Lost Ark at this point.
Under the Seal! Under the Seal! Sorry. Little Mermaid flashback. Won't happen again. Spike worries that his Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous Jem isn't working right. "Not worried," answers Buffy in return. Faith cheers him up: "Willow's big spell doesn't work, it won't matter what you wear." Which leads me to believe that the entirety of Buffy's plan really did lie in just creating a few more Slayers. To fight what looks like an endless horde of übervamps. Which, as we see, would've failed without Spike's Pretty Princess Jem. Which Buffy wasn't factoring into her plan. Nice plan, B. If this season were a house, it would be the kind that's so shoddily put together that it falls down and crushes you the first time a large truck drives by. Buffy again points out that she's not worried. She should be! Everyone approaches the lip of an overhanging cliff in a huge underground cavern. They peer over to see a whole passel of übervamps. Spike steps back in surprise. "I'm not worried," repeats Buffy, in a slightly less convinced tone than before. "As long as Willow can work her spell before they…" A few of the übervamps look upward and catch sight of their nummy dinners. "…See us," finishes Buffy. Gulp!
Cut to Willow mumbling a chant. The übervamps run closer. Cut to Willow. "Oh. My. Goddess." She pants. The Little Red Axe That Could flashes with pure white light and rings like a bell.
Flashback to Buffy at the Summers home earlier. She's telling the Junior Misses, "So here's the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power? Now. Into every generation one Slayer is born. Because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men." Buffy points at Willow. "This woman. Is more powerful than all of them combined." Willow makes an "ohgoddesspleasedon'tsaythat" face. Buffy thinks it's time to modernize the workings of the Slayer machine and fulfill the destiny of the proletariat. "I say that my power should be our power." Cut to Kennedy, Miss Minnesota, Rona, and Millie on the ledge overlooking the übervamps, obviously becoming imbued with the Slayer stuff as the spirit of the axe envelops them. Kennedy looks scary enjoying all that power, I gotta say. "From now on every girl in the world who might be a Slayer will be a Slayer." We see a little girl at bat in a softball game. She bites her lip apprehensively. Another girl leans against her locker, looking surprised. "Every girl who could have the power, will have the power. Can stand up? Will stand up." A Japanese girl gets up from her family's table, holding her head. Another girl stands and stops a man who is about to hit her. "Slayers. Every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?" The little girl at bat smiles sweetly, like she just knows she's gonna hit that motherfucker out of the park.
Wow. There's a lot I could say here. I think, as a plot point, freeing the Slayer power definitely raises a lot of questions. Questions about creating an über-class of women, questions about rogue Slayers. Questions about why -- well, I'm sure you can think of a few. And I'm not really sure how I feel about a message that says, "If you were one of a handful of girls who had the potential to be special before, you can be even more special now." I would have been just as happy with a story that concluded with the Junior Misses conquering their fears and their enemies on their own, with the strengths that they already possessed. More of an every-girl story. But as a metaphor, viewed on the most simplistic level, this is sweet. Obvious and anvilicious, but sweet. The look on that little girl's face as she lifts the bat is priceless. A mother sent me an email saying that her daughter was glowing while Buffy gave this speech, and deep inside my cynical, disaffected shell, I think that's, well, cool. And as a poster on the boards said, if you're focusing only on the abuses of power this might produce, compare it to giving U.S. women the vote back in 1920. Sure, some women might abuse that right, but is that any reason to deny them parity? Because on the metaphor level, I think this power is not meant to put these girls above men, but to bring them to their level. You aren't free if you don't have choices. In the Buffyverse, which is not our universe, Buffy gave back to all these girls something that was stolen from them. The fact that the something has a few sharp edges, and a few girls might cut themselves on it, does nothing to change the fact that what Buffy did was right. I think. Except when I woke up in a sweat about it at 3 AM this morning and came up with a list of reasons why the metaphor sucked. Damn, this episode has me very confused. Okay, soapbox stowed away.
Cut back to the übervamps getting ever closer. Miss Minnesota looks calm, confident, and composed. "These guys are dust." Yeah! And I'm thrilled that Buffy has managed reshape her own fate without having to choose between being the Slayer and a normal girl. Now that she's jettisoned her "I will be alone FOREVER!" albatross, I'd love to see whether the Little Miss All About Me side of her personality would be the to go. The camera pans back from the edge of the cliff. The girls and Spike adopt fighting stances as the übervamps fly up over the edge. They fight. Sie kämpfen. Luchan. Ils combattent. Combattono. Zij vechten. Funny. It's the last time I'll ever type those words. Oh, and if the translation is bad, blame Babelfish. Miss Minnesota takes out two vamps single-handed. All the girls are kicking some serious ass here, even though they're way outnumbered and Buffy had so much trouble killing ONE of these guys that she had to have a whole mini-arc about it earlier this season. Eh. Who really cares at this point? Because we're all too happy to care, right? Right.
Cut to Kennedy looking inordinately pleased. But then her attention is caught by Willow, who has been overdeveloped by the white light. She's smiling. She's also wearing a wig Halle Berry rejected for her Storm character on the set of X2, right before she went out and gave sixteen interviews grousing about her tiny role. After a few moments, the light fades in a rush. Willow hands Kennedy The Little Red Axe That Could with the instruction to "get this to Buffy." Because even though they're all Slayers now, the show is still named after Buffy. Kennedy rushes off, and Willow flops over, exhausted. "That was nifty!" she chirps. Aw, she's just happy that she never has to mack with Kennedy ever again.
Under the Seal! Under the Seal! Oh. Sorry. Right. I promised not to do that again. It's just so darn catchy! Anyway. Still fighting going on here. Kennedy jumps into the fray and tosses The Little Red Axe That Could to Buffy, who immediately puts it to good use. Kennedy is attacked by a number of vamps, but she throws them around like they're dolls. "I could get used to this," she notes. Buffy beheads. A number of übervamps head up the stairs, which makes me wonder why Buffy and crew aren't just guarding the top of the stairs and lopping off vampire heads as they come up. Closing off all exits out of the basement, but then leaving the largest one wide open, seems, well, really dumb. Buffy, Buffy, Buffy…sigh. Why did you never embrace the efficacy of the flamethrower?
Cut to Andrew and Anya. I guess the übervamps took a minute to whip out their cells and called up at the Sunnydale Free-Range Bringer Farm, Winery, and Former Monastery to ask The First if the Bringers could come out and play, because there's a ton of them here now. Were they even factored into Buffy's plan? One of Bringers rushes up behind Anya, raises his curved knife high over his head, and slices her in half. Just like that. It's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment. I guess it's really over. You can't have Ganya with no Anya. Unless Anya comes back from the grave to be an oracle of truth to some sitcom family. It could be like Party of Five with Ganya! That show probably wouldn't have been such a pit of everlasting suck if they had thrown a snarky British librarian and a one-thousand-year-old ex-vengeance demon into the mix. Think about that duo telling those mopey Salinger whiners to shove it! Now that's an iteration of Party of Five I might tune in for.
Sep: I'm sad that Anya bit it.
Ace: Me too. Think of her poor pathetic little life. A thousand-plus years and she was only ever really happy for a couple of them.
Sep: It just goes to show you that you shouldn't break up with a Scooby. Terrible things happen.
Ace:Well, technically, Angel's still "alive," and as far as we know Oz is too.
Sep: Yeah, but Angel did a hundred years in hell and has really stupid hair. And Oz is burdened with the pain of being very, very short. A pain I know all too well.
Giles and Wood are still in the midst of fighting various Bringers and übervamps. Wood gets stabbed! Giles runs a Bringer through, and then Wood collapses into Giles's arms. Y'know? I think it's BUNK that Anya and Andrew got paired together. They're both fairly weak fighters. It would have made more sense to pair one of them with either Wood or Giles, but I guess it's some sort of poetic justice that Anya died so that Andrew could live. And by "died," I mean her whole character arc croaking after "Selfless" so that we could focus on Andrew.
Under the Seal! Under the Seal! Sorry. Sorry! It really is the last time I'll do that, for real. Faith is set upon by three vamps and goes down. She tosses the axe to Rona. Buffy surveys her surroundings and sees an übervamp feasting on a Junior Miss, possibly Chao Ahn. Couldn't tell. A stake clatters to the floor, followed by the lifeless, wide-eyed body of another Junior Miss. I cock my head to the side, trying to figure out if that's Millie. I think it is! Boo! Hiss! That sucks! I liked Millie. Mathletes forever! Wooo! Ahem. Suddenly The First appears to Buffy as Buffy, wound and all. "Mommy, this mortal wound is all…itchy," baby-voices The First. Hee. It's finally begun to amuse me in the last twelve minutes of this season? "You pulled a nice trick. You came pretty close to smacking me down," taunts First Buffy. "What more do you want?" "I want you to get out of my face," grits Buffy, rising. Rona tosses the axe to Buffy, and she sends a whole set of übervamps flying over the edge of the cliff. Faith kicks off her three attackers and gets up to fight further. Wait a sec. What happened to Buffy getting gutted? Is this like one of those times that Buffy just decides to win and then does, except this time she decided that she didn't really want a mortal wound, so she was magically healed? Triumphant fighty-fight music plays.
As the short bus races through town, Xander, Giles, and Miss Minnesota treat the wounded. Andrew's unable to remove himself from his miasma of self-involvement to help; instead, he sits like a lump and wonders, "Why didn't I die?" Been asking myself the same thing, Useless. Dawn is still at the back of the bus, frantically searching for her sister. We get a shot that shows Buffy running along the tops of buildings just before they collapse, trying desperately to catch up. She makes a stunning flying leap right near the theatre, sticks a neat landing, and begins to bus-surf. Cut to an bird's-eye view of more and more of Sunnydale collapsing downwards into a huge chasm. Little houses tumble off the edge of the abyss, and a dust cloud rises. And I suddenly have a huge light-bulb moment! So that's why the writers emptied Sunnydale of all its residents over the past few episodes. Now I get the "why," but I still have issues with the "how." Goodbye, Espresso Pump. Goodbye, Bronze. Goodbye, UC Sunnydale. Goodbye, newish Sunnydale High. Goodbye, condemned-and-closed Magic Box. Goodbye, cemeteries and churches and alleys and hospitals. Goodbye, Summers house. Can't say as I'll miss you much, Summers house.
Faith looks around and instructs the driver, "Ease off. We're clear." This gets translated to "please screech to a halt," and Buffy almost gets thrown off the top of the bus. Wood leans back in pain. Wait! WOOD was driving? I don't care if Giles doesn't have a valid license -- he should've been driving, not the guy who took a sword to the gut. I'm pretty sure that's covered as allowable in the California vehicle code somewhere! Buffy hops off the top of the bus. It looks like Sunnydale is situated in the lower Californian desert somewhere. Funny, I'd always pictured it as being in grassier regions surrounding Santa Barbara. Buffy turns to look at the empty road ahead of them as Dawn jumps out of the back of the bus. Dawn and Buffy hug, and -- aw, Dawn looks so happy to see her sister alive. Squinting in the bright sunlight, Giles looks back towards Sunnydale Crater and asks, "What did this?" Buffy answers, "Spike." Yeah, makes sense. Spike sucked the life out of the show; it's only fair he do the same to Sunnydale too. Buffy walks slowly towards the edge of the crater. The "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign, right on the lip, teeters and then falls in. Hee. to the bus, Xander stops Andrew and asks if he saw what happened to Anya. Andrew hunches his shoulders and shrugs that he was too scared to see, but when Xander asks again, Andrew gets resolve-face. He turns to face Xander and tells him, "[Anya] was incredible. She died saving my life." Xander smiles a little, but his chin and lip are quivering. Tears in his voice, he gently tells Andrew, "That's my girl. Always doing the stupid thing." Sniff. Xander strides away.
Inside the bus, Faith tells Wood she'll get some help for him. He stops her, and, looking really out-of-it, asks, "Did we make it?" Faith assures him that they did. Wood's eyelids lower and he appears to stop breathing. Faith thinks he's dead and reaches out to close his eyes, but jerks her hand away when he coughs himself awake. He tells her, "Surprise!" Miss Minnesota comes over with a bandage or something. Boy, she's a useful little pup, isn't she? I'm pretty sure Kennedy made it out, but I haven't seen Iyari Limon at all since they left the school. Sad music plays.