Lies My Parents Told Me

S07E17

I'm warning everyone right now. I'm cranky and I'm sick. I feel like Nick Nolte looks. And that is not making me feel any more charitable to an episode that I disliked from the get-go.

We begin this episode in a rain-drenched New York circa 1977. Pan down onto Nikki and Spike brawling in a park. (This is not the same actress that played Nikki in Season Five. According to an interview I read, she auditioned for the expanded role but she was turned down because she's of a certain age now. Please. Like that makes a real difference. Check out Spike in those flashback scenes. He's clearly pushing forty. And forty is pushing back. Hard.) Spike is pleased at Nikki's prowess, and promises to "ride[her] hard" before putting her away. Nikki and her 'fro sass back, saying that Spike looks "wet and limp" to her. While they're tussling, a pair of eyes peeks out from behind the slats of a nearby bench. Spike gets Nikki in a chokehold and is about to do his business when a young Wood upsets a trashcan to the bench. The noise breaks Spike's concentration, giving Nikki an opportunity to get her game back. She flings a stake at him, but he catches it neatly between his palms. He tells Nikki that he's "spent a long time trying to track [her] down" and he doesn't want "the dance to end so soon. This is just starting, isn't it?" He throws the stake to the ground and delivers a parting quip of "love the coat" before disappearing. "Momma?" breaks in little Robin Wood. She goes over to him and praises him for staying down and out of sight like he was told. Wood wants to go home, but he can't, because something has made home "not safe." She offers to take him to her Watcher's place and tempts him with all manner of "spooky doodads." Wood would rather stay with his mom but with a quick glance over her shoulder she tells him that she's "always gotta work the mission. You know I love you but I got a job to do. The mission is what matters." Pay attention -- you'll hear this repeated later. And it'll be just as wrong then. They walk off through the torrents of rain, but Robin breaks off to fetch his mum's stake. "Robin" calls Nikki.

Flash forward to the present day. Wood turns around, stake in hand. He's in the middle of an alley brawl with Buffy, Spike, and a couple of vamps. Spike dusts one and then is kicking back considering making a nice cuppa or something when Buffy notices that Wood is still struggling. She sets Spike off in his direction, and Spike dusts Wood's vamp just before the vamp gains the upper hand. See? Isn't Spike so nice now? The way he's eager to help someone in need, as long as it's Buffy or he's explicitly ordered to by Buffy? Ain't he something. Wood stares daggers at Spike, and after Spike walks off, we pan down to see that Wood is grasping his stake so tightly that he's injured himself and blood is flowing down the stake.

It's the day at Sunnydale High. Wood peeks out from between the slats in the mini-blinds. Only three scenes into this episode, and Wood has already peeked out from between two different kinds of slats. Slat slut. Buffy enters his office and reports that everything is normal at school and "the swing choir and the marching band have gone back to their normal healthy seething resentment." Whoa! It looks like when SMG was beating Emma with the ugly stick it slipped and caught her on the rebound. Check out those bags under her eyes. Wood hopes that Buffy closed down the Seal for good but she's skeptical. Then, for no reason I can fathom, Wood creepily tells Buffy that she reminds him of his mother. Except for being a blonde, size-zero, self-absorbed twit. I hope that's not what he means. Buffy, deciding it best to ignore the Oedipal overtones, says, "Maybe you're right. Maybe everything is fine."

Giles rushes in all atwitter. "Everything is terrible!" he announces. He's just come from the new library, where it's teeming with computers. "I don't know where to begin Buffy, who -- who do we speak to?" Wood introduces himself as the principal. Giles shakes his hand and says, "Buffy tells me you're something of a freelance demon fighter." Man, I bet that's hard to claim on your tax return. Giles is glad to have some allies stockpiled, because he reports that according to the coven's seers The First has not been vanquished, it's just marshalling its forces. It's had those since the beginning of time! What's it waiting for? Y'know, this season-long story-arc thing really hasn't worked since Season Three. I'm SO glad I won't have to wait through another whole season of some Big Bad sitting on its duff and filing its nails (and that's literally what Glory did for eighteen episodes) waiting for sweeps to kick it into action. Giles switches gears abruptly, offering to have his backup library sent from his home. Everyone looks at him as if he's crazy. Buffy ask him if he's brought back any more Junior Misses, but, cleaning his glasses, Giles reveals that his mission was Spike-related. Oh god, no! Not Giles too! Why, why must Spike leech onto every character I care about and annex his or her story? Every slight glimmer of insight we have as to how Buffy fucking feels about anything and it's always about Spike. Wood's entire storyline? All about Spike. This is really a bait and switch from the show that I signed up for about four people who really cared about each other and who were bright and funny and witty and actually managed to do some good in the world. And now? There is no sense that these battles will be fought for the good of the world because we don't SEE that world. It has ceased to exist. We're left with the unpleasant creature that is Buffy, who happens to take out her anger on other unpleasant creatures. Willow, until lately, has been too pathetic for words. Anya's storyline has been dumped in favor of squabbling little Junior Misses and the continued misadventures of Captain Peroxide. Xander is bearable, but no matter how much he weighs these days it still isn't enough to balance out the moral core. And it's not because I don't like things to be morally ambiguous. I like the gray. I loved "Lie To Me." The difference is that, back then, the show Buffy and the character Buffy used to be layered. Like an onion. Now it's more like some utterly unappealing vegetable that doesn't have any depth at all and that leaves people with a bitter and unsatisfied feeling. Buffy? Is a radish.

Back to Giles bitching Buffy out. "I told you my concerns when you recklessly chose to remove the chip from his head." Wood is confused about this chip. Buffy gives the abridged version of the Initiative's involvement. And then someone must have poked Buffy, because she turns back to Giles and says pointedly, "But he wouldn't hurt anyone anymore because he has a soul now." Gah. How many times has Buffy said this? I really couldn't tell you, because as soon as the recap is sent off I delete the episode from my TiVo and cackle gleefully. I swear, Buffy is like a little windup toy. Every time someone mentions a word that starts with a "sp," she goes off into her "he's a goooood man. He has a soooouuuull" shtick that is just like those super-sensitive car alarms that go off when you breathe near them. Only twice as annoying, because hey? The car alarms don't know any better. Buffy should. "Unless The First triggers him again," counters Giles, making my point for me. "Triggers the chip?" asks Wood in confusion. Buffy explains about the trigger, and at the insistence of a Gilesian eyebrow wag admits that it led Spike to slaughter innocents again. "So he has a trigger, a soul and a chip?" clarifies Wood. And yet he's still an asshole. "Not anymore," snits Giles. "It was killing him, Giles!" spits an outraged Buffy. Wood misunderstands and thinks that it was the trigger that was killing him, but Buffy explains that it was the chip, and "the trigger's not active anymore." Oh, isn't it? I -- I have no words. Has Buffy even looked into this trigger before deciding that it wasn't active anymore? Innocent people, people living in Buffy's own house, are at risk from a vampire who could potentially go feral anytime someone hums the wrong tune around him, and does Buffy even attempt to research the situation? No. She does not. "Because the military gave him a soul," concludes Wood. Off of the looks from Buffy and Giles, Wood sheepishly apologizes. And when you set it all out like that, it does make Spike's back story seem really freakin' ludicrous. Giles corrects Buffy that they have no idea if the trigger is inactive, but he brought something that will help them figure it out. Buffy is convinced that the trigger is "that song," but the problem is that nobody can remember any of it. Wood wants to know how the thing Giles brought back is going to work. Giles says that it "will require a bit of magic."

Cut to Xander chaining Spike up in the basement of Casa Summers. Dawn, Buffy, Wood, Giles, Willow, the UN security council, three random passersby, and a small hedgehog are all in attendance. Okay, not really, but seriously. The number of people present for this is way unnecessary. Giles, Willow and Buffy will perform the spell. Xander, Dawn and Wood will distribute small snacks and throw Jujubes at Spike's head. Predictably, Spike bristles at Wood's presence, and he's got a point. Too bad that I'm so disgusted by Buffy's coddling of him that I don't care enough to see his side. Giles explains that The First is using something in Spike's subconscious to turn him into a violent beast. Giles pulls a black stone out of pocket and informs Spike that when they insert it into his brain, it will reveal the trigger. Once Spike knows what his trigger is, they can work on breaking its hold. Giles stresses that the stone only functions as a catalyst, and all of the psychoanalytic heavy lifting will be up to Spike. Oh God. We're doomed. Spike wants to know how they're planning to get the stone into his head. Giles calls Willow to the fore, spell book in hand. She hopes her "prow-nunciation is in the ballpark." Based on her pronunciation of "pronunciation," we're double-doomed.

Willow begins an incantation, and the thing in the box glows and slithers into life. It looks like nothing more than a magic booger. Giles brings the box close to Spike. Spike squirms and protests. Can't say I blame him. That thing has to enter via the optic nerve. The magic booger works its way up his cheek and enters his eye, and then gets lost because it goes up his forehead bone instead of traversing the optical nerve. I can't believe that I know where the optical nerve is, but I don't know the proper term for forehead bone. Ah, well. Spike shakes and rubs at his head. Buffy rushes over to sit by him. Spike: "How'm I supposed to know if this bug ugly's doing his..." Spike is illuminated by a warm yellow glow. He looks up, and the camera pans behind him to reveal a scene from his human past. He's at his former home, reading poetry to his mother. And MAAAN, that living room is busy. It looks like it was host to a Past Times vs. Victoriana catalog deathmatch that ended with both of them exploding. Spike's mother, looking rather old and drawn, gushes over his poetry and then wonders if "this Cecily" is the Underwoods' eldest. Spike dissembles, saying, "I don't presume." Spike's mum tells him that he "needs a woman in [his] life." He replies that he does have a woman in his life. She is momentarily taken in, but then realizes that William has some really serious Oedipal issues. Victorian etiquette dictates that it would be in poor taste to mention this, so she pretends to be flattered. He promises to always look after her, but she has a coughing fit, hoping to die and escape her creepy son. Knowing that Spike's women-paragon obsession thing in which he defines himself and his moral center by the dominant female figure in his life started back when Spike was human, and has continued until the present day, really makes me realize how pathetic a creature he truly is. You'd think that after the first hundred years he might have self-actualized or something.

By Sep

Back in the basement, Giles is questioning Spike further about his mum. "There has to be more than that," he asserts. "WELL THERE BLOODY WELL ISN'T," screams Spike at the top of his lungs. Of course. Which is why you're yelling your fool head off. At this, Buffy starts towards Spike to unchain him, but Giles pulls her aside. Buffy says that his plan didn't work. And I will never in my life understand why this justifies unchaining Spike and letting him wander around a house full of the last potential Slayers in the entire world just because Spikey-poo has had his feelings hurt. Giles insists that the plan isn't working because Spike is refusing to cooperate. Furthermore, he reminds Buffy, the trigger is still active, and therefore Spike is a danger to everyone. Even though she just witnessed that -- if Spike had not been chained, he would have gone feral on all their asses. How did his soul help him then, Buffy? You know the tendency of some shows to have the same character played by a different actor? That's kind of what's happened to this show lately, except they have the same actors playing different characters and they forgot to tell the audience. Spike rattles his chains petulantly, and then his attention is caught by his hand.

A black-lace clad hand grasps Spike's. Ooh! Anachronism alert. I'm pretty sure those Max Factor Diamond Hard red shiny nails weren't even a remote possibility back in those days. Anyway, we're stuck in another boring flashback. Spike and Dru waltz around the living room of his house. I'm not sure of how they managed to get in, but of my many problems with this episode, that ranks low on the list. Spike tells her "not to get too attached. We won't be here for long." "Well then," considers Dru, settling herself on the settee, "should we give it a proper good-bye?" Then she does this little poodle growl. It's really very disturbing. Spike settles down to her and shoves his tongue down her throat. Spike growls that they'll "bring this world to its knees...lay waste to all of Europe. The three of is will teach those snobs and elitists..." "Three?" breaks in Dru. "You me and Mother," replies Spike matter-of-factly. "You wanna bring yer mum wif us?" worries Dru. Spike insists that Dru will "like" his mother. "To eat, you mean?" asks a still confuddled Dru. At this, they're interrupted by the appearance of said mother in frilly nightgown and dressing robe. She's been worried sick, as William has been missing for days. So if his mother didn't give him a proper burial, how was Spike able to empathize with Buffy about having crawled out of her own grave back in "After Life"? Crazy Drusilla dragged him off and buried him in someone's flowerbed, I guess. Spike outs himself as a vampire to his mum. She thinks that he's under the influence. He tries to sell her on all the pros of vampirism, but like all mums, she just doesn't get this crazy new fad that's all the rage with the kiddies. Spike embraces his mum, promising, "We'll be together forever." Spike gets into game face and pulls aside the collar of her dressing gown. "It only hurts for a moment," he whispers. Unless you're stuck in Spike's company, at which point the pain becomes eternal. But Spike's mum will get a taste of that soon enough.

Willow trundles down the basement stairs to tell Buffy that she's going to take off for a couple of days. Buffy immediately wonders what is wrong, but Willow realizes that Buffy doesn't care about anyone whose name doesn't end in "-ike," so she glosses over her reasons and promises instead to "bring back some good news." Buffy strides over to Spike. Giles admonishes her to "think about what you're doing." "I have," she snits. Have you, Buffy? I honestly have no idea what's going on in her head these days. Supposedly she needs Spike around because he's the strongest warrior they have. Is she still upset about that preview of 101 Übervamps that the shamans showed her and feeling guilty about choosing her humanity over power, so she's therefore overcompensating? But that wouldn't make any sense. Based on the sheer numbers of Notsferatus we saw onscreen, no power they could have given her would make one iota of difference. And adding Spike to the mix isn't going to appreciably reduce those odds either. Obviously they'll have to find some other way than brute strength to defeat this enemy. Plus, how can Buffy think that Spike is the most powerful ally she has? Has SPIKE ever come close to destroying the world? Nope. But last season Willow, not at all a physical fighter, almost managed to do just that. And speaking of last season, was danger averted with overwhelming brute force? Nope. It was the Little Yellow Crayon That Could. I just don't understand Buffy. Obviously she's not communicating with those around her, and I'm going to be gracious here and assume that that's a deliberate choice by the writers that will play out in future episodes, but that doesn't change the fact that they still need to find some sort of dramatic device to give the audience some insight into Buffy's motivations, because otherwise all I'm left with is this snippy little bitch and an overwhelming desire to see her pert little nose rubbed into all the mistakes she's made. Starting now.

So. Buffy unchains Spike, and they walk out. Giles follows, but is held back by Wood. "We got ourselves a problem," states Wood. Wood quickly lays out his case: Spike is an important part of The First's plan, based on the information it told Andrew back in one of those other episodes I plan on never sitting through again, and "something needs to be done" about it. "Buffy would never allow it," says Giles. Wood tells him that "Buffy would listen to her Watcher." Giles tells him that he's not up on the "watcher-Slayer dynamic." Wood tells Giles that he was raised by a Watcher. This is news to Giles. What? Buffy didn't tell him that? Do these people talk AT ALL anymore? This show is nothing BUT talking heads, yet there is no information flow. Based on what he knows about Wood, Giles quickly puts two and two together to conclude that Wood is Nikki's son and that Spike was responsible for his mother's murder. Giles wants to know if Buffy is aware of all of this information. Wood tells him that he told her that his mother was a Slayer, but he didn't come clean about the other part. "And this has nothing to do with personal vengeance?" sarcasms Giles. Wood passionately asks Giles if that "matters," because Spike is "an instrument of evil" and this needs to be done "for the greater good." Giles seems swayed enough to ask if Wood has a plan. Wood tells Giles that all he needs to do is to keep Buffy out of his hair for a while (hee!) and he'll take care of the rest.

Cut to the graveyard. Buffy and Giles are at an impromptu training session. Buffy expositions that she's not sure if she's comfortable leaving Spike with Wood. Giles says, "For what it's worth everyone at your house seemed rather relieved with the arrangement." I imagine it's not worth a whole hill of beans to Buffy. Giles tells Buffy that she needs to "look at the big picture," because it takes "more than rousing speeches to lead. If you're going to be a general you need to make difficult decisions regardless of cost." Oh man. The only thing that Buffy and a general have in common these days is that when it comes to Spike, she's "generally" a total fucking moron.

Wood unlocks a padlock on his garage and explains to Spike that he uses it as a workroom. Opening the door, he refers to the place as his "sanctuary" and steps inside. Spike follows him into the dark room, making small talk, and there's an extended pause before Wood flicks on the light. This extended pause telegraphs two things: first, that the room is going to be all shocking and shit when the lights come on; and two, that the writers totally can't be arsed to remember even the simplest details of vampire lore. Namely, that vampires can see in the dark. So when Wood finally turns on the lights, Spike's all bewildered that he's in a mostly empty room, which is entirely wallpapered in nailed-up crosses, both hand-made and store-bought. Looks like Wood got a little carried away after he saw a segment on Decorating Cents about how to give your home a Spanish Colonial flair. Wood, honey, even Christopher Lowell agrees there's such a thing as taking a theme too far. Spike doesn't admire Wood's decorating scheme very much, but Wood just tells him to stay away from the walls. He then begins clicking away at an iMac as Spike wanders about suspiciously. Ominous music tells us something big is about to happen, as if the creepy crucifix collection weren't "hint" enough. Spike asks Wood for his story, but Wood claims there's not much to tell. He's just a guy who's "trying to do what's right." Wood wants to know "what kind of man" Spike is, but Spike's not in the mood to share. "Sorry, not much for self-reflection," he replies. Wood doesn't seem to care too much either way. He goes back to clicking away on his mouse and, after a final tap, begins to unbutton his shirt. Um, huh? This isn't going to get romantic, is it?

Not looking at Spike, Wood strips down to his tank top and accuses Spike of being the sort of guy who "just careens through life, completely oblivious to the damage he's doing to everyone around him." Well, pre-soul, I'd say he basically enjoyed the damage he was doing to everyone around him, but yeah, now he's oblivious or too self-involved to think it's important. Wood opens a drawer and begins to buckle himself into some wacky studded-leather battle gauntlets. He then turns to Spike and tells him he knows a lot about him because he's been searching for him for a long time. Spike looks baffled. Wood finally lays his cards on the table. He's been searching for Spike "ever since [Spike] killed [his] mother." Strangely, Spike just looks around and blandly says, "I killed a lot of people's mothers." And Wood is all, "Oh, you did? Well, never mind then! I didn't know it was a vocation! The fact that my mother doesn't stand out from the crowd of your victims soothes me! I'll just put aside my crazy obsessive search for vengeance now." Actually, no. Wood points out that his mother was, in fact, a Slayer, and therefore Spike might recall her in particular. Spike, never swift but also usually not quite this slow, finally figures out what Wood's problem is and that he himself might be in a little danger. Wood clarifies that he wants to "kill the monster who took [his] mother away from [him]." He then clicks "play" on the single song in his "I'm gonna take revenge on my poor dead momma" iTunes library, and a super-cheesy version of Spike's trigger song begins to play. Spike vamps out. Wood is gratified. I scrape out my own eyes in boredom and frustration, because watching two characters I don't give a flying fuck about beat each other up over some longstanding and totally irrelevant grudge is not the way I want to spend one of the final episodes of Buffy. Watching episode after episode about Spike's journey when Giles has become a prick and I don't know a goddamn thing about what Willow or Xander are thinking, or even who they are anymore, and will likely never find out, breaks my heart.

Ahh! Bad wig alert! Flashback newbie-vampire Spike is lurking around in his drawing room, calling for his mother. She swans in from another room, looking remarkably refreshed and restored by her death and rebirth into immortal demonhood. Why don't we just call her Gabrielle from now on, since this story is such a blatant rip-off of Anne Rice's tale of Lestat and his mother? Down to LeSpike's mom's long golden curls, even. Sigh. Didn't this show used to mock Anne Rice, rather than stealing her Gothic melodrama touches? Bleh. And where did Dru go? Stomped off in a disgusted huff muttering about tea cakes sailing their cannons to China, most likely. Spike's all elated that Mummy is such a healthy new demon, and starts making plans for their activities together. He pencils in feasting on the residents of London and then going out dancing for the night, but Mummy has other plans. In fact, she plans to get as far away from Spike as she possibly can, as quickly as she can. I think I like the evil old bag! Mummy mocks poor widdle William's poetry. We cut back to Wood's Grudge Garage, where Wood shouts at vamped-out Spike to fight back. Back in Mummy's drawing room, she twirls and muses happily, "It's as if I've been given new eyes! I see everything…understand everything." It's been a very, very long time since I read any Anne Rice, but I would lay dollars to donuts that that line is almost a direct lift from one of her books. LeSpike is so very, very sad that Mummy has become a cruel demon who doesn't like him, and he begs her to stop. She sneers that she has to be cruel to "pry [his] greedy little fingers off [her] apron strings." She advances on LeSpike, making graphically unkind references to his birth. Oh! His poor undead Victorian ears! How ever can his soulless evilness bear the unkind words?! Oh, right. I don't care.

In the Sanctum de Spleen, Wood continues to administer his beatdown. He holds Spike's face to a cross until the flesh sizzles. Back in Blighty, Mummy suggests that infanticide would've been the best way to deal with her tiresome progeny. Hear, hear! Turning away in disgust, she rants about how she always wished William would find a woman and move out, but he never did. She continues, "But you scarcely showed an interest. Who could compare to your house-bound, doddering mum -- a captive audience for your witless prattle." I hear you, sister. I've been in the same position for the last four years, and becoming evil really is the only way to deal with it. LeSpike: "Boo hoo! I'm not like that anymore." Mummy doesn't agree; she thinks he'll always be a "limp sentimental fool." In the Revenge Retreat, Wood tosses a disoriented Spike around and then punches him repeatedly, shouting, "Is this what it FELT like…when you SNAPPED HER NECK?" Um, I'll admit I don't pay the closest attention to Spike's plots, but the trigger didn't work this way in the past, did it? As we saw in earlier episodes, the First was able to use the trigger to send Spike to bars and alleys to pick up women before he murdered them. He didn't do that in vamp face, or in such a daze that he had no idea what was going on around him. Is this total inconsistency, or are we suppose to think that Giles's magic booger caused this new state where the trigger instantly equals raving-vampire-lost-in-a-flashback-induced-stupor?

Buffy and Giles are still in the cemetery. Buffy is about to stake the vampire when Giles instructs her not to. When she questions why, he resorts to that age-old parentism, "Because I'm asking you not to." Dude, she's not a toddler you're trying to persuade not to play with light sockets. As Buffy punches away, Giles asks if she would "let this vampire live if it meant saving the world." Buffy's all, "Yeah, sure," and her opponent is pleased and introduces himself as Richard. More punching and a tidy flipping kick from Buffy, who manages to knock Richard out. She then tells Giles they already had this conversation back during the tedium of Season Five, when she had to choose between letting Dawn die and saving the world. Hands behind his back, Giles notes that "things are different now" since Buffy has been through so much. "Faced with the same choice now…you'd let her die." Buffy agrees that she would, to save the world. As would anyone who watched Season Six, I think, just to save themselves from the prospect of ever hearing Dawn's whining again. Richard pops up and slams Buffy into a headstone; Giles makes a slightly exasperated face. As Buffy fights, he asks if she now understands that she'll have to make difficult decisions and that "any one of [them]" is expendable. "Have you heard my speeches?" demands Buffy. Yes, and I thought you were telling them that any one of them could die, which is hardly a rousing sentiment, but is still worlds more motivating than any one of them being expendable. Giles dons his most lecture-y tone and asks if Buffy also understands they "cannot allow any threat that would jeopardize [their] chances of winning." Buffy's all, "YES! I GET IT," but stands still in shock when Giles responds, "And yet, there is Spike." That's been my catchphrase for years now. "This still could be a really good show. And yet -- there is Spike." "I really, really want to respect Buffy as a person. And yet -- there is Spike." You get the picture. Richard slams Buffy to the ground.

In the Vault of Vengeance, Spike lies dazed on the floor; Wood unstraps his Gaultier battle accessories as he mutters about Spike being a selfish animal. Then, for some reason I have no hope of explaining, he puts his shirt back on before stripping Spike of Nikki's coat. I thought he was going to put the coat on, but instead he folds it up and places it aside before grabbing a cross off the wall, which flips us into flashback land. Young Vampire LeSpike shakes his head in distress as his cruel demon mummy advances on him, sneering, "You want to run, don't you? Scamper off and cry to your new little trollop." And then, because ME hasn't seen subtle since they passed it at eighty miles per hour sometime in Season Five, Spike's inflicting a metaphor of rape and penetration on his own mother goes from subtext to actual text as his mother takes on a seductive tone. She massages the writhing Spike's shoulders as she demands to know if he can touch Drusilla without thinking of mummy. "All you ever wanted was to be back inside," she mocks. "You got your wish, didn't you? Sank your teeth into me -- an eternal kiss!" Yeah, we would've gotten that without the road map and the flashing neon arrows, I think. LeSpike is very distressed by Mummy's caresses, and protests that he just wanted to cure her. Poor noble vampire Spikey. Mummy grabs him close, and she's like, "Gimme some sugar, baby!" but Spike don't like it like that and shoves Mummy away from him. Because killing your mother and EATING HER is all fun and games, but God forbid she then show a little demonic perversion and not cleave entirely to your rose-tinted view of how vampire mummies should behave.

"Get out," Mummy screams, and then ineffectually bats at him with her cane. They struggle for the cane, and then Mummy vamps out, reassuring LeSpike, "There, there, precious. It will only hurt for a moment." LeSpike, who of course hasn't assumed vamp face in all this because he's a poor, wronged, sad little boy, then breathes, "I'm sorry," and stakes his mum. Wood, in the Hate Hovel, hears the apology and goes to stake Spike, but Spike is no longer in vamp face and seems to have regained consciousness. He grabs Wood's arm and flings him aside. Wood is pretty angry because Spike's apology won't make his emotional owie better, but Spike informs him, "I wasn't talking to you." They fight a little, and Spike explains, "I don't give a piss about your mum. She was a Slayer, I was a vampire." Um, dimwit? You still are a vampire. Spike easily deflects Wood's blows and then kicks him to the ground. Then Spike gets a predictable "blah blah blah Slayers vs. vampires is a grand game-cakes" line, and Wood's all offended, and I start eating my own hair because that really, truly seems more interesting than suffering through any more of this histrionic, dime-store-novel macho crap. Spike tells Wood, "[Nikki] knew what she was signing up for," as if being a Slayer is a volunteer gig that you get into when you walk by the Council of Watchers booth on campus and pick up their extensive brochure entitled, "Yes! Vampires, Demons and Other Literary Manifestations of Evil are Real! Join Us and Fight for Good in Fashionable Leather Ensembles!" And then, after you sign some releases and attend a few orientation and training sessions, you're given a stake, some Tae-Bo videos, and a Watcher and sent out to find monsters. Seriously, in a season of stupid mythos-demolishing lines, a line declaring that Slayers "know" what they're "signing up for" rather than being mystically called and utterly confused by the prospect IS ONE OF THE STUPIDEST! Either ME were all out behind the offices tokin' up and giving each other hickies while the gas-meter guy wrote this script, or stupid fuckin' Spike has just uttered another one of his stupid fuckin' self-serving lies.

Wood keeps trying to attack Spike, angry because his mom's death ruined his childhood. He grits out, "She was my world!" "And you weren't hers. Doesn't that piss you off?" replies Spike. He doesn't know fuck-all about it, does he? If he does, is this episode then saying that people with difficult, involving jobs are terrible parents who should be resented by their sadly neglected children? If so, I certainly hope Joss plans to practice what he preaches, because I can't imagine a man who runs three television shows simultaneously is home with his new baby very much. MY GOD! I'm so sick of this scene. I DON'T CARE about the psychological dramas of either of these people. Oh, please. Spike is now lecturing Wood about Slayers and how, even when surrounded by people, they "fight alone." Jesus. He's like the guy who went to Europe on a package vacation once fifteen years ago and talks your ear off at parties because he thinks he's some sort of expert on the French. Spike, you killed two Slayers without even talking to them. You might know Buffy, but it doesn't make you an expert on the whole breed, so SHUT UP. Wood, pretty much beaten to a pulp at this point, insists his mother loved him, and Spike sasses, "But not enough to quit." WHAT? Now Slayers can just QUIT? They can just take back the manual and the training videos and be all, "Oh, sorry, I thought I had time for this but calculus is really kicking my ass this semester so I have to, like, reconsider my priorities," and then go out with friends for a beer? Not to mention, this show had better NOT be implying that women who have careers DON'T LOVE THEIR CHILDREN ENOUGH. Spike crouches to Wood and shares the tale of Spike and his mummy. He says the "nasty bits" his mother said to him have been "weighing on [his] mind" (what there is of it), but he's decided that, unlike Wood, he "had a mother who loved [him] back" and it was just the demon saying all those mean things. Well. I'm so glad that finally, a mere century and change after going through the process himself, Spike has realized that the demon and the human are often different. Fucktard. Spike walks over to the computer and begins the trigger song as he smugs, "My mother loved me with all her heart. I was her world." Well, women in Victorian times didn't have much else. They had to take solace in small, unsatisfactory things. Spike's a greedy black hole of need, and it's hard to believe any woman could love him enough to truly satisfy that, so now he's decided to lie to himself that Mummy made him her world. You know, I really think that making your children "your world" isn't entirely healthy if you have no other interests or vocations, so I hope I'm not supposed to be on Spike's side here. The song doesn't trigger a reaction in Spike, so he shuts off the computer, claiming that Wood cured him of the First's influence. "I just wanted you to know that -- before I kill you," he finishes, vamping out and going for Wood's neck.

Buffy punches the crap out of Richard as Giles wanders around her, telling her that both she and Spike are in denial about what a liability Cap'n Platinum is. Giles adds the Spike doesn't have the self-awareness to leave Buffy's side like Angel did, but Buffy points out that Spike "is here because [she wants] him here." It's interesting to think, though, that Angel wouldn't have stayed no matter what Buffy "wanted." For good or bad, since the end of Season Three, Buffy has progressed from being the most talented fighter surrounded by a crew of fairly equal compatriots to a virtual dictator with a roster of subordinates who are expected to follow her every command. Maybe Slayers end up fighting and dying alone because everyone around them eventually gives up their free will and allows the Slayer to become a martinet. And nobody loves a martinet. I only wish Giles had thwarted Buffy's authority openly in this episode rather than going behind her back, because I don't think anyone, including Spike, is doing Buffy any favors by writing her a all-expenses paid ticket to Despotville. Buffy says she needs Spike. "I'm in the fight of my life!" she melodramas, and Richard is all flattered: "Really?" Buffy: "Not you, Richard." Resume punching and Buffy repeating that magic mantra, "It's different now -- he has a soul." Shut your soul-hole, Buffy! JUST SHUT UP! "And the First is exploiting that to his advantage," replies Giles, and I'm all, "The First is a 'he'? Huh?" Maybe this is a clue that Giles really is evil and knows more than he's letting on? Buffy doesn't notice, though, because she's suddenly realized that Giles is stalling her. She dusts Richard without a glance and stares at Giles in shock. Giles tells her to stop playing at being a general and start actually being one. As Buffy runs from the cemetery, he shouts after her, "This is the way wars are won!" Not the way the war for my heart is won, Grinch Giles. It's unthinkable, but I don't think I love Giles anymore. But how could I when there's no Giles left to love?

Overhead shot as Spike exits Wood's Pique Parlor, and dons the flayed skin of Wood's mother. Oh, I'm sorry. That didn't come out quite right. Maybe I should have said, "Dons a grisly reminder of his days as a mass murderer"? Oops! Perhaps "slips into the ultimate symbol of his hubris and moral vacancy"? Let me think about it. I'm sure I'll come up with the precise phrase sooner or later. If Joss Whedon wants to give me a happy ending to the series, he'll give me Spike dying in that coat. Buffy runs up and demands the 411. Spike opens the door to the Shack of Shame so Buffy can see Wood slumped against the wall within, his head lolling. Spike tells her he spared Wood's life because he killed his mother, but if Wood "even so much as looks at [Spike] funny again," Spike will kill him. Buffy makes a sad "what have we come to?" face, which causes me to tell her to SHUT UP. Seems like this is just the Spike that Bitchy claimed she wanted in "Get It Done," so I think she should save her little faces for someone who cares. If she can find a single person who does.

Spike stalks off, and Bitchy steels herself to check on Wood. She helps him stand and then leaves him slumped against the wall as she checks out the, uh, very geometric interior design motif. Throughout the ensuing scene, we never see Wood's neck well enough to tell if Spike really did feed off of him. For some reason, Bitchy is moved to share the story of Joyce's death with Wood, who actually pants out, "I'm sorry," rather than "I don't give a piss about your mother! She knew what she was signing up for!" which I'm told is what souled warriors for good are supposed to say in situations like this. Then Buffy and Wood have a little conversation where Buffy runs through her two tired worn-out justifications for keeping Spike around (he's not the same man anymore and he's the strongest warrior they have) and Wood tells her not to fool herself -- Spike is still the same man as the one that killed his mother. However, Buffy doesn't have time for vendettas. She tells Wood that if he goes after Spike again, Spike will kill him and Buffy will allow it. And since Spike is nothing more than her trained attack dog at this point and she could instruct him not to kill Wood under any circumstances, she has switched over completely to being an "ends justify the means" person. I just cannot believe this is for the best. As Buffy walks out, she tells Wood, "The mission is what matters." If the mission is really, truly all that matters, and everyone is expendable and only the strongest warriors matter, why hasn't Buffy enlisted any demon mercenaries? I'm sure there's a demon biker gang out there who'd be willing to fight by Buffy's side if she gave them Dawn and a handful of Junior Misses in trade. I mean, the girls aren't strong fighters and they're expendable, so why not use them as barter to fill out the troops? Because Buffy is full of shit -- that's why. She wants to be the unquestioned leader, but she hasn't shown an ounce of creativity or strategy in this fight. She claims she needs strong warriors, but since she hasn't even called for Faith or Angel to join her, she's obviously only using that as a cover for her compulsion to protect Spike. And she claims she's willing to do the hardest things in service of the mission, but instead she only does the weakest and easiest things.

By Sep

Eight hours after Dawn's injury at Spike's hands? Twelve hours after? Who knows? But the Buffy who lingered in the basement so she could gently free Spike when Dawn was injured has now finally found the time to check on her sister, who is asleep in bed. Wait. I can't see a single Junior Miss Slayer in Dawn's room. Where the hell are they keeping them now? In the kitchen cupboards? Bitchy strokes her sister's forehead and then leaves her room, closing the door behind her. Giles approaches her in the hallway. Bitchy refuses to look at him as he says, "I understand your anger." He goes on to say he did what was best, but Buffy just tells him what's really important: "Spike's alive." Giles looks down and then regroups. He says what he told her earlier is "still true." "You need to learn --" but Bitchy interrupts, her voice quavering with anger, "No. I think you've taught me everything I need to know." She walks into her bedroom and closes the door. And the one remaining decent relationship on this show has just had feces smeared all over it. I'm so surprised that this nihilistic, depressing show (in which standing up for good ruins your life and the lives of those around you and means that you die alone, bitter and fixated) is being produced by two people who are new parents. I somehow expected a more moving and graceful season from people who now have every reason to be filled with hope and wonder about what a renewed place the world can be.