Storyteller

Previously on Buffy: Andrew was introduced. He was a spineless weasel with no moral center, so he killed Jonathan. The Scoobies were spineless weasels with no moral centers who have a history of murdering and coddling murderers, so when Andrew said, "Buffy, can you take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong!" Buffy brought him home and turned him into a funnel-cake-making house pet.

Just a brief note before we begin: I've never clarified this before, but very seldom do my problems with a character carry over to the actor playing the character. Heck, I even envision the Marti Noxon I rail against in my recaps as more of a fictional figure standing in for the entire Mutant Enemy creative team than a real person. So I just want to say that I think Tom Lenk seems like a nice guy who is acting his ass off. It's not his fault that I'm a bitter heathen who finds nothing to identify with in the forty-seven poorly realized stories of redemption we've seen this season. Yo, I'm all about hatin' the game, not the playa.

Masterpiece Theater-type music plays. The camera pans across bookshelves filled with weighty-looking tomes. There's a fireplace with crackling fire, and the walls are decorated with all sorts of masks and other art objects. Scattered among the ethnographic artifacts are a number of framed posters of Star Wars comic book art. I think I actually had those issues -- early ones from right after the movie came out. My mom used to buy them for me at Target and I spent many hours reading and rereading any parts of the comics featuring Han Solo. Mmmmm, Han Solo. The camera ends its pan when it finds Andrew sitting in a wingback chair in front of the fireplace. He closes the book on his lap and puts aside his pipe to welcome us as "gentle viewers." Beside me on the sofa, Ash giggles, because he loves Andrew. I'm surprised to find myself giggling as well. What's happening here? Am I losing my mind? Affecting a cultured voice and a mannered air, Andrew muses, "It's wonderful to get lost in the story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discoverydon't they just take you away?" He sighs reflectively and then invites us, "Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on an new voyage of the mind, a little tale I like to call Buffy, Slayer of the Vam-Pyres." Andrew rests his chin on his hand and smiles seraphically. I'm all befuddled, because I enjoyed that and I suspect I'm starting to like Andrew. I turn to Ash and protest, "They can't make me like him. They can't!" Then I go and lie down for a little while because the room is spinning.

Andrew voices over, "It was cold last night and the wind was cru-el, but the Slayer had a job to do," as we see Buffy patrolling a graveyard. She's attacked by a burly vampire and does a cool handstand onto the headstone in front of her, turns, and fires her crossbow. That vampire is dust, but another one jumps out to attack Buffy. Well, I'll say one thing for Andrew's fantasies -- the fight scenes are showier and more interesting than what we usually see. There were actually some decent flips and a wire-trick or two in there, which makes me like Andrew just a little bit more. Maybe he can stick around and all the fight scenes can be seen through his perspective so we'll get decent stunts. Did I just say Andrew can stick around? Stop! World tilting! Must not. Let them. Manipulate. Me. Aaaaah, losing struggle. Buffy gets her head slammed into a gravestone, and we flash back to Fantasy Andrew in his study. He leans forward in his chair all narrator-guy and tells us, "Ouch! My goodness. Things look bad for the Slayer, don't they? She didn't see that second vam-pyre concealed by cover of darkness --" He's interrupted by a knock, which throws off his professorial demeanor. He tries to recover, but then we see non-fantasy Andrew, who is actually talking into a camcorder in the Summers bathroom. After another knock, Anya bursts in and demands to know what Andrew has been doing in the bathroom for the last thirty minutes. He claims to have been "entertaining and educating," and Anya snaps, "Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?" Sheesh -- I know Giles has been out of town for a couple weeks now, Anya, but that's still a little too much sharing, thanks. Andrew gives an embarrassed smile. Because he wonders how Anya knew he actually had his Pool Party with Warren Meers tape in the camcorder all along.

We're back with Buffy in the cemetery, except that this time Andrew is there in person with his video camera. Buffy dusts the burly vampire, and Andrew rushes up her and crows that he got her kill on film. We see Buffy from Andrew's point of view on the Nerd Cam with a little red REC indicator in the top left corner. Cut back and forth from the Nerd Cam to a long shot of the both of them as Buffy chides him for filming her, which she finds "distracting." She starts to walk away. Andrew trots after her, rambling about what he wants to call his documentary, and Buffy shouts, "Are you still filming me? Stop!" Predictably, Andrew doesn't stop and protests, "It's an important document for the ages!" Buffy threatens to make Andrew "a nerd in pain" and stomps off. We get a high crane shot of the cemetery with tiny Andrew calling after her, "But --"

Cut to Anya dragging Andrew out of the bathroom by his coat collar as he finishes, "The story needs to be told!" A Junior Miss quickly rushes into the vacated bathroom, and a few others are lined up in the hall holding towels. Hey, Andrew has a new outfit of a track jacket, t-shirt, and jeans. I bet he picked that up at Wal-Mart along with the video-camera and the white board. Anya bitches him out, saying that people need to use the bathroom, and then expresses curiosity about why he was filming himself, since it "sounds like kinky business" to her. Andrew explains his motives for filming: "The world's gonna want to know about Buffy. It's a story of ultimate triumph tinged with a bitterness for what's been lost in the struggle." I find it strange that Andrew is expressing the most thoughtfulness about the show (and the people who make it) that we've seen from any character or scriptwriter this season. And sadly, I think the triumph is exactly what has been lost in the struggle, if that doesn't make for too confusing a concept.

Anya (fairly kindly) says that Andrew's project is "pointless," since Buffy has all let them know they're going to die in the apocalypse anyway. Way to build up the troops' confidence, Buffy. Engaging in some manipulative flattery, which on Andrew reads an awful lot like eleven-year-old girlie flirting, Andrew tells Anya it would be a shame if he gave up the project, since he was about to interview her for her "unique perspective." And I think Andrew is as gay as the day is long, but I swear he's looking right at Anya's breasts as he continues, "Give it editorial balance and, uh, glamour." Anya's breasts = glamour. It's something to remember. Maybe Andrew just has an innate sense that Anya would respond well to a sexual sort of energy? I don't think the Andrew we've seen previously had that much insight, innate or not, but I suppose I shouldn't complain about him growing as a character after all the complaining I did about him being one-dimensional. See, I am losing my mind, because it's not like me to be so reasonable. Anya is properly manipulated and agrees to be interviewed. And here I am, still enjoying Andrew, still having fun. Such a strange feeling on a Tuesday night for me.

And now comes -- the scene. The basement white board scene. The one that plays like an orientation session for new viewers, or those viewers too stupid to follow a narrative as simpleminded as this season's from week to week. And Tom Lenk is a cute little thing, and I realize Mutant Enemy likes working with him and writing for him and he probably has a good attitude about whatever they give him, but an endless expository scene like this just smacks of way too much dilettantish self-indulgence. Andrew and his white board are hanging out in the basement playing make-believe. The white board is propped up on the washer and has been decorated with new drawings, including what looks like some Bringers, the high school, and two demons. This whole scene is from the Nerd Cam point of view, with green letters indicating PLAY in the upper left. Play rather than record like we saw earlier? I'm not sure if there's any significance there, since when I first viewed this scene I thought I was seeing it being filmed, not being played back. Whatever. Andrew stands in front of the white board and is rather nervous on-camera; at one point he scratches his ass like a six-year-old. Such a strangely infantile little murderer. Just like a fuzzy-wuzzy teddy bear with no grasp on reality and tiny, sharp teeth. I'm stalling because this scene really yanked my crank. That means something bad, right? I meant it in a bad way, anyway.

Andrew gestures towards his board and begins tonight's installment of Dick & Jane Go To The Hellmouth. See Sunnydale High School. Dick and Jane go Sunnydale High School. The high school is on the Hellmouth. See the Hellmouth. Bad, Hellmouth, bad. See the Seal of Danzig in the high school basement. Bad, Seal of Danzig, bad. The Seal of Danzig is a tired plot contrivance. Can you say "tired plot contrivance," children? Very good. I think I hate this scene so much because I've had to recap all these plot elements over and over and over, and now I have to recap Andrew recapping them and I'm teetering way up here on all these levels of meta-commentary and I'm scared of heights, damn it! I suppose if you've been in a coma for the past six months, and nobody in your family cared enough about you to tape Buffy for you while you were out, and you haven't been able to read our recaps (or anyone else's) due to ocular damage incurred from the brain bleed, you might find Andrew's summary of the season so far helpful. But the rest of us can actually keep score without a scorecard, so thanks for wasting my time, Mutant Enemy.

When Andrew gestures to the Seal of Danzig, he says, "Due to some circumstances it got opened up a little bit recently." Man, he even lies when he's all alone. Of course, to be fair (because I'm all about the fair, ha!), it was the bleeding of Spike, not Jonathan, that actually opened the Seal. Andrew points to the drawing of Notsferatu leaping out of the Seal/Hellmouth and continues, "This nasty, nasty vampire thing came out of it. It was just awful." Well, that's no way to talk about the hard work of the costume and stunt people, Andrew. He continues on with his orientation. See the First. Bad, First, bad. The First is too stupid to live, so it's a good thing it's incorporeal, right? Can you say "too stupid to live," class? Good job. Andrew is nearing the end of his tour through the pointlessness that is Season Seven by introducing the Bringers: "We don't know much about them except they're very ugly andthey're very mobile for blind people." Okay, heh. That cracked me up. Dammit.

Andrew is in the kitchen along with a jumble of Junior Misses, Willow, and Xander. Rona gripes about low-fat milk, Willow and Kennedy pour cereal, and Millie does something strange with a paper towel and a spoon. We switch back and forth between the Nerd Cam and the normal camera. Andrew focuses in on Xander and says they'll be filming a special piece on Xander later, "the man who is the heart of the Slayer machine." Xander looks extraordinarily pleased and smiles, and I'm smiling along with him until I catch sight of the chewed cereal in his mouth. Ew, that's a little too Method for me. Andrew cruises through the kitchen, narrating about the air being "filled with foreboding," but is interrupted by Dawn reminding Anya that they're out of raisin bran. Actually, that would fill me with foreboding too. Gotta have my raisin bran in the morning. Starts the day off right. Well, gotta have my raisin bran and my coffee. But the coffee is more of an addiction thing and we all know that leads to flaying and phallic-temple-raising, so I don't like to discuss it. Hey, I had that first cup of French Market a few years ago and then I got addicted, the way addicts do. Maybe it was the chicory? I've heard some call it the devil's weed. Anyway, so I have my dark coffee addiction, but once I get around to going all murdery I'm sure there's a shiny redemption arc in my future. I've made sure not to sleep with any Slayers, though, because I want the redemption arc with horsies and duster-wearing Giles in England rather than the one with odiferous craziness, basement dwelling, and torture. ["Hey, we re-carpeted your office at TWoP Towers after that obelisk poked through the floor and got you your own French press. Don't get greedy." -- Sars]

Speaking of such, Buffy and Spike enter the kitchen, and Spike's hitting the 'ludes and Jack D. so hard this week that I can't understand a single thing he slurs out. Through the miracle of closed captioning, I can tell you that he mumbles, "Damn girls' dorm is what it is," before lighting up a cigarette. In the kitchen. While people are eating breakfast. He may not be evil anymore, but he sure is inconsiderate! Dawn complains too and moves up a tiny notch in my estimation. Andrew decides that "it's time to do some introductions" and points the camera towards Millie. Millie starts to introduce herself, but Andrew's all, "Not you, sweetheart," because he wants to focus in on Buffy. Then our point of view switches to Nerd Fantasy Cam. The light in the kitchen is golden and Buffy floats by, pouring cereal into her bowl. Her hair blows around seductively in that sexy shampoo commercial way. Buffy turns to the camera and winks as Andrew describes her as "beautiful, with a lion's heart and the face of an angel." But not of Angel, because that would just be weird. I'm getting a whiff of old Beverly Hills off this tertiary character praise of the lead, so let's just move on. And move on quickly, because AAAAGH! Shirtless Spike! My eyes! The goggles do nothing! I know, it's a clich at this point, but I just had to. Buffy and Spike move into an embrace as Andrew tells us, "You can feel the heat between them, although technically as a vam-pyre -- he's room temperature."

Then Anya glides into the frame, dangling a bunch of grapes over her mouth. She tongues one off the bunch and gets the following description: "A feisty waif with a fiery temper and a vulnerable heart that she hides even from herself." Andrew calling Anya a waif is quite pot 'n' kettle, isn't it? Andrew pans over to a miscellaneous Junior Miss, but then Buffy's griping knocks us out of Nerd Fantasy Cam and back into the kitchen.

Buffy wants someone to make Andrew stop filming (because as usual, she can't be arsed to do anything for herself), but Rona says that if they save the world it might be nice to have a record. Amanda backs Rona up with, "If we don't save the world, then nothing matters." Kennedy snots, "Let's make that our slogan." If only the Action Monkeys were here to slap Kennedy silly. Anya, Xander, and Willow all chime in in support of Andrew's project, but Buffy just stands there, her arms crossed, saying Andrew is wasting time. Because he should be busy baking her things she obviously doesn't eat? Andrew continues to film during this whole debate. Buffy turns to Spike and expects him parrot the Buffy line because that's what mindless devotion from your flunkies is all about, but Spike says, "It seems like a fine way to keep the boy busy." When he's not blowing Spike in the basement. Oh God! Sorry. I have no idea where that came from. Oh, yes, I do. From the insanity. Buffy tells them, "This isn't about keeping busy! This is about war." She goes into speech mode and addresses the group, "I'm sorry to jump all over you guys --" "Doesn't she jump all over them every week? Does she apologize each time?" laughs Ash beside me. Buff begins talking about her vision at the end of "Get It Done," and Andrew slips out of the kitchen. Through his camera, we see that Spike is quietly doing the same.

Ash: [pretentious critic voice] This is all very postmodern. That young man is filming the TV show, which is being filmed. It's a show within a show layered with meta-commentary.
Ace: [same critic voice] Yes, you see, Andrew inhabits the role of the observer, the outsider. He sees as the audience does. He is the gaze, if you will.
Ash: Oh, he's the gays, all right. Ha! You can put that in the recap.
Ace: Honey, in a world where rainbows can be homophobes, I'd better not.

In the dining room, we can hear Buffy going on and on while Andrew addresses the camera: "Honestly, gentle viewers, these motivating speeches of hers tend to get a little long." And yeah, the mocking of Buffy's speeches in this episode really did bug me because, hey, writers? You wrote those speeches! If they're boring and non-motivating and mockable, why are you subjecting us to them? If you want us to take Buffy's authority as Slayer, organizer of the resistance against the First, and speechmaker seriously, you can't write the damn play and undermine it by hiding in the wings and making little mocky faces and going, "Blah blah BLAH blah blah," while she talks. If the speeches suck so much, write better ones or don't write them at all. But this, this meta-mockery approach, reminds me of Flanders's parents: "Man, we tried nothing and we're totally out of ideas!" Ugh. Moving on.

Andrew promises to take his viewing audience back into the kitchen when Buffy is done, but until then, he's going to tell the camera a little about himself. He describes himself as "a man with a burden, a man with a dark past." Yes indeedy, Andrew's confession that he was "once a super-villain" flings us right into a full-blown Andrew Fantasy Sequence. He's all snazzy in a suit and tie as he dictates super-genius chemistry gobbledygook to his fawning minions, Jonathan and Warren. Funny, but I never figured that Andrew's fantasies about Warren would feature that much clothing. Clenching his fists all super-villain style, Andrew declares that his evil plan will make Buffy "super-magnetic." Jonathan and Warren are impressed, postulating that knives and other sharp objects will fly at Buffy. "We could walk right by her and she wouldn't be able to stop us," gloats Andrew, but Warren sees a kink in the plans, namely that the Trio's metal belt buckles might cause an involuntary attraction to the Slayer. In a tone of great portent, Andrew explains, "In my plan, we are beltless!" Snerf. As Warren moons that Andrew is "good-looking and smart too," Andrew smugly raises an evil genius eyebrow.

Back to the Nerd Cam in the dining room, wherein Andrew chuckles a little and says, "Wasn't Jonathan just the cutest thing?" Uh, creepy. He pauses a little and points the camera back to the kitchen, where Buffy is still haranguing the troops. Willow and Kennedy canoodle while trying to look like they're listening to Buffy. Andrew recaps how Kennedy freaked out over seeing a real display of Willow's powers in last week's episode, and notes that he too has had an encounter with Dark Willow. Ooof, segue into another Andrew Fantasy Sequence and me getting a little cranky because I think limiting ourselves to only one of those per scene would be easier on the recapping skills. So anyway, we flash back to the Magic Box in "Two To Go" when Cruella D'Will turned up to make nerd flamb, except this time, instead of Anya doing the protection spell, Andrew is easily facing Willow down with his own magic. New scenes of Andrew and Jonathan are intercut with the actual footage of Willow from last season, to very silly effect since the sightlines don't match up at all. The Andrew Fantasy Sequence over, we're back to the dining room, where Andrew muses that Cruella D'Will was "something." Fill in your own Dark Willow joke here. I think I used up all of mine last season. Buffy has finally stopped talking, so Andrew heads back into the kitchen, saying, "Let's see what the little locusts left for breakfast, shall we?" Oh, man. I really did hate this episode the first time through, especially after the white board scene, but on this run-through I seem to be softening up. It must be sweeps-induced exhaustion or something. But I just had this flash of compassion for Andrew talking to the camera like it's a real person -- a friend. The only one he has after, you know, killing his other one. And as I contemplated that unfamiliar feeling of compassion (when related to this show), I started musing on Andrew's outsider status, observing the Scooby gang and only getting to participate in their activities through fantasy and the removed medium of the camera. And then, yes, then I even started to admire his cheerful attitude, even if it is won through hard and willful avoidance of reality. But shh -- don't tell anyone, or they'll make me turn in my Jaded Recapper card and then Sars'll break my sword of snark over her knee and throw me out of TWoP Towers. ["Girl, please. Sars herself, weakened by a sweeps period, began loving Andrew back in the fall. Now pass the Sweet 'n' Low." -- Sars] And where was I? Oh, right -- Andrew heads into the kitchen and I pray for a scene break or a commercial.

Prayer rewarded. Sort of. Buffy arrives for work at Sunnydale High and encounters a fight in the hallway. She separates the guys and sends them off to class as the bell rings. The camera follows one guy down the hall, and suddenly we see that a student leaning against some lockers begins to vanish. Buffy notices and runs over to her, calling, "Hey, shy girl! Don't do this." The girl doesn't reappear, so Buffy slaps her lightly on the face. That does the job, and the rematerialized girl touches her face, marveling that Buffy noticed her at all. Buffy's all prepared to talk to Almost-Invisible Girl when another girl rushes out of the bathroom sobbing. Almost-Invisible Girl wanders off slowly as Bathroom Girl wails to Buffy, "The mirror said I was fat!" Buffy's shocked, but before she can do anything, Bathroom Girl rushes off and Buffy's attention is drawn to a bespectacled nerd guy who is ranting about being overwhelmed by school. He's saying, "I feel like I'm going to explode!" as Buffy rushes up to deal, in her trifling way, with the situation. She suggests that one of Bespectacled Nerd's friends give him a foot rub. Uh, okay. A few minutes later, Buffy arrives in the main office to find Principal Wood dabbing at his head with some gauze. He was hit in the head with a rock while getting out of his car in the parking lot. As Buffy applies a bandage to Wood's head, she expositions this extremely complicated and somewhat confusing dialogue: "There's this thing that happens here, in this school, over the Hellmouth, where the way a thing feels, it kinds starts being that way for real." Erm, sure. She explains she's seen all these sorts of incidents before, "just not all at once." Wood confirms that "hell's a-bustin' out all over."

Very strange shot of Andrew tapping the drawing of the Hellmouth on his white board and nodding.

Back to Buffy and Wood. Buffy suggests that war (or a riot) is going to break out at the school, because that's the way high school can feel for students. Just then there's a cry of anguish and an explosion, and bloody meat sprays the office windows. Because Bespectacled Nerd really did explode -- ha! Except not, not really. Buffy: "He really should have had that foot rub." Buffy suggests that he really should've had a foot rub instead of exploding. Yeah, and all those people in Ethiopia should really, y'know, eat something.

Andrew films Dawn in the dining room, calling her "bubbly and sweet with a hunger for fun and a smile that lights up the room." Blech. Who writes his copy? Dawn giggles and waves to the camera. Andrew briefly muses that Dawn "used to be a Key," although he's not sure what that means, but he's suddenly cut away from Dawn and into a girl-on-girl kiss. Or, to be precise, he's suddenly in the living room filming Willow and Kennedy making out on the sofa. Well, I say "making out," but it looked more like Iyari Limon said, "Hey, Aly, taste this cool lip gloss I have on!" and Aly leaned in for a friendly little taste. Not a real hot smoochathon there with all the tentative lip-pressing. But in this situation, Mutant Enemy would probably come under fire no matter how they handled it, so let's move on, just like Andrew has. He's skipped right over the kissin' girls to focus on the front window, recently replaced by Xander. "[Xander's] extraordinary," reflects Andrew.

Ace: What's up with Kennedy's pants? I mean, you couldn't see them too well in that scene, but in general they suck.
Sep: I have no idea what you're talking about. So many other things bother me about Kennedy that I never bothered to notice her pants.
Ace: They never fit! She's always swimming in three extra feet of inseam. It's like they put her in Michelle Trachtenburg's wardrobe or something. You're teeny-tiny and even your pants always seem to fit.
Sep: Oh, thank you. It's so kind of you to recognize my continual struggle to pass as a real live human despite the crippling handicap of being below average in height.
Britboy: I know her secret! She buys capris and wears them as normal trousers.
Sep: One of you needs to shut your scone-hole and the other one needs to get back to recapping.
Ace: I'll get right on that, as soon as the spasms of laughter allow me use of my fingers again.

Buffy and Wood study blueprints of the school. They're still talking about how Buffy has seen all sorts of supernatural events at the high school. I'm surprised that Wood is so amazed, because I thought that was why he maneuvered to end up at Sunnydale High. Why is he being played as both an insider (kills vampires, impressive weapons collection, Slayer mother, raised by a Watcher) and an outsider ("What, Buffy, you say there are supernatural forces at work here? Shocking!")? Buffy speculates that the Seal of Danzig is causing the increased supernatural activity at the school. She suggests, "All the Hellmouth energy [is] trying to escape in that one little spot and it's getting all --" "Focus-y," finishes Wood. Buffy warns him about starting to talk like her, and they share a moment.

Back at the Summers place, Andrew is preparing to interview Anya and Xander together. Andrew says he's thinking of calling his project "Buffy The Slayer Who Knew No Fear," which Xander approves of. "Thank you, Xander, that's so sweet of you," replies Andrew, before picking up a notepad and slipping into a new persona as interviewer/shrink to Xander and Anya. Andrew's first question concerns Xander leaving Anya at the altar. After a little dissembling of the "what does that have to do with anything" variety, Anya wants to know what Xander has to say for himself one year after jilting her, and Xander explains that he's apologized enough for the incident. Desperately trying to learn about these things humans call "codes of morality," Andrew asks if Xander leaving Anya was "the right thing to do." Anya says no, but Xander insists that it was, because he felt marrying her "would have been against everything [he] thought was best." Anya protests that she and Xander still "spark," and then says that Xander still loves her. "Is that true, Xander? Do you still love her?" interjects Andrew, all concerned professional. Long pause.

Wood and Buffy are back in the basement, checking out the Seal of Danzig. Buffy says, "I could swear we just covered this thing up." Buffy tells Wood she had a vision the other day, and he's all surprised that she has visions. Son of a Slayer, raised by a Watcher, remember. And he's surprised the Slayer has prophetic visions. Even though Buffy described one to him last week, I think. He asks how she knows they're not just dreams, and Buffy explains, "If you're running to catch the bus naked -- that's a dream. An army of vicious vampire creatures -- that's a vision. Also, I was awake." "A bus to where?" jokes Wood. And for some reason, my crazed mixed-up brain was reminded of Enid's bus in Ghost World. Sometimes I think this season is on that bus. Anyway, Buffy reminds us that many, many tiny Notsferatus are hiding under the Seal, waiting to break out and stab us all in the toes with toothpicks. Wood jumps down and kneels on the Seal, much to Buffy's surprise. He asks her if she's ever studied it, but Buffy says all she know about it is that it depicts a "goat with its tongue out." She had Willow do some research, but "everybody likes a good goat's tongue. Rock groups, covens, and Greek cookbooks." Willow couldn't narrow down the search. Wood asks if Buffy trusts Willow, or why she trusts anyone she works with, since they've "all been evil at some point." Buffy doesn't have much of an answer, but she chippers that she's never been evil. Wood's voice deepens, and he scaries, "I know what you're doing." He turns towards her, his eyes all white and blank. Is he going to have a Cordy vision now and then turn evil and sleep with Buffy's daughter who was aged sixteen -- oops, eighteen years in a hell dimension? Just curious. "You're with that vampire. Screwing that vampire! You filthy whore!" No, that was last season. The First must be watching F/X repeats of Season Six or something. Wood rushes Buffy, but she dodges out of the way and he slams into the basement wall. As Wood comes back to himself, Buffy explains that the Seal was controlling him. Wood thinks they need to destroy it before it takes over the school completely, and Buffy decides she needs to talk to "the guy that fed it its first drop of blood." Just then, Babe, the magical air-fed and growth-stunted piglet from "Never Leave Me," trots through the room. "God, I hope that's not a student," says Wood.

Spike shows off for the camera in the basement. No, not like that, gutterminds. He angrily tells Andrew to sod off, but when Andrew tells him that the light wasn't good, Spike repeats his little performance in better light.

As I'm recapping, Ash wanders into the room, declares, "Spike is my baby daddy!" and walks back out again. And I thought I was the only one suffering the adverse affects of four years of recapping. Poor guy; my TWoP coverage for post-traumatic recapping syndrome doesn't extend to him.

Upstairs, Anya wants to know if Xander still loves her. Xander replies that Anya was the one who wanted them to stop seeing each other. Anya's irritated comeback is, "And here's where we jump on the merry-go-round of rotation knives. I blame you and you blame me and we both end up all cut to shreds." Aw, that's kinda poetic. In a sad way. Xander stares at her, and she demands, "Do you still love me?" His answer is yes. "I always will. I just don't know if that means anything for us anymore." Anya says she loves him too. As Xander says, "I'm not going to find anyone out there like you, am I?" we see that Andrew has left behind his camera to film this exchange. Or he's snuck up from the basement with it, I guess, since that's where we last saw him. Anya doesn't think Xander will find anyone like her, and assures him, "There's no one like you, Xander. You were willing to stand up to danger even when your hands had no weapons." And then we see Andrew holding the camera, playing this scene back, and mouthing along to all of Anya's romantic dialogue. She continues, "You were ready to protect me with your life." Xander says they fit together "pretty good," and Anya responds, "We fit together great." Andrew keeps mouthing along as Anya tells Xander, "I hope you know you never left my heart." Andrew chokes back tears and rewinds his tape to watch the scene again, but Buffy bursts into the house with Wood in tow. They tell him that "the school is out of control with the energy from the Hellmouth" and it's time for Andrew to provide some help in getting rid of the Seal. Andrew protests about his video project, but Buffy tells him, "No more watching."

Five high school kids zombie into the room that contains the Seal. They form a circle around it and kneel. As they raise their arms up and begin chanting, the Seal glows with bright light.

We return from commercial to a flashback to last year "somewhere in Mexico" See? I TOLD you the writers don't know what they're doing. It's their story, and they can't even pick the name of a Mexican village out of a hat. And then throw it down and do a little dance around it. We pan across to find Andrew and Jonathan squirming in bed. From bad dreams! And not the kind of bad dreams that entail sex with Andrew! We're treated to quick blitz of scenes from the nightmare they've been having which consist of a bunch of shots of the bervamp and the Seal and the Junior Misses dying and, for some reason, the cheese man from "Restless." They jolt awake all sweaty and shiny. From the bad dreams!

Andrew refers to them as fugitives haunted by their past. Jonathan doesn't think he really deserves nightmares in languages he doesn't understand, because he "wasn't even that evil." Andrew reassures Jonathan that he always found him to be evil and thought that he "had good follow-through." Jonathan is oddly comforted and touched by that, proving that maybe he was more evil than I thought. I guess. I don't know. I can't figure out who is and who isn't evil anymore. Somehow, somewhere along the line on this show, evil stopped being about how many people you killed or attempted to kill in cold blood. I haven't figured out what the new yardstick of evil is. Or, as I suspect, there isn't one. Hey, maybe the First just needs a hug! The Scooby gang should invite it over for dinner, have sex with it, and let it wander around the house unattended for awhile. Before you know it, that pesky old First will see the error of its evil ways and start striving for redemption! Throw in some horsies and torture, and we have a perfect Buffy spin-off. A story of redemption for years of evil, featuring a lead character who can look like a different dead person each week. It's Quantum Leap meets Xena: Warrior Princess! The episode where the First as Marilyn Monroe (guest star Julia Stiles) learns that wearing a bikini and cavorting on the beach can do wonders for a newly-gained soul is sure to be a ratings-grabber!

Willow's voice breaks in, saying, "I think we're getting a little off track here." Oops, sorry, Willow. And I'm sure Andrew is sorry too. Cut to Casa Summers, where Willow is holding some sort of glowing crystal with a light inside it, which is a charm to aid Andrew's memory. Although I'm not really sure that a salt-crystal lamp you can get at the Nature Company for $59.95 makes an effective magic prop. Buffy, impatient with Andrew's dithering, wants to know how he knew where the Seal was and what to do with it. Is she just now getting around to asking about this? That's some sloppy research. Andrew tries to claim that he's a "detached journalist" who doesn't participate in the story but merely records it. After Buffy threatens to break his camera over his head, Willow admonishes Andrew to "stop going off-topic." And suddenly, for a second, I identify with Willow like I used to in past seasons! Andrew replies that everything is going to seem a lot more topical in just a moment when Jonathan goes to take a whiz.

Back in Mehico. Tiny And Soon To Be Dead Jonathan trundles out of bed and heads to the bathroom. As soon as he's gone, Andrew starts singing "La Cucaracha," which, considering the place they're staying, might be an ode to some of the other entities sharing that bed with him and Jonathan. Andrew rolls over to find the specter of Warren looming over him. Andrew is glad to see Warren, and the dialogue lets us know that this isn't their first meeting since Warren's death by extreme exfoliation. Warren tells Andrew he looks good, which causes a bout of simpering and hair smoothing from Andrew. Warren then asks if Andrew got the knife. Andrew prattles on about the demon he had to meet with as he picks up a box. Warren warns him to hurry before the Small One is done, but Andrew says that because of Jonathan's "shy bladder" they don't need to worry about being disturbed. Neither do they worry about being overheard either, despite the fact that Andrew calls out to Jonathan in the speaking tone he's been using and Jonathan is able to hear him just fine. Andrew tells Warren that he doesn't think he's going to be able to stab Jonathan, partly because Jonathan's been a good friend and because "he said" he'd buy Andrew a burro. Except the first time I watched the scene, I thought Tom Lenk said, "Jonathan has been a good friend to me here in Mehico. His head will buy me a burro," which I found really creepy. I mean, a black market in human heads fueled by burro trade? Almost too nightmarish to contemplate. Warren replies that killing Jonathan is just "part of the plan," and if Andrew plays along, they'll "all eventually be rewarded." "We'll live as gods," ventures Andrew. Quick flash to an Andrew Fantasy Sequence wherein the toga-clad trio dance and strum harps in a field of bright flowers. Andrew falsettos, "We are as gods!" and pirouettes prettily, sniffing a large red poppy. The fantasy also features unicorns and piles of gold bricks, but no dancing schnauzers. I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. Warren reiterates that "there's power in that knife. Drive the words deep into him -- that's the only way to get our reward."

Casa Summers. Something about the knife's description catches Willow's attention. She demands to see it. Buffy dispatches Kennedy to search through Andrew's stuff, but he but he 'fesses up that it's in the cutlery drawer. Willow is incredulous: "You put your old murder weapon in with our utensils?" And you put your old murder weapon in that fugly top, Willow. You know what they say: "People who live in glass houses or have flayed someone alive lose pretty much ANY and ALL moral high ground they may once have had." Spike wants to know why Willow is interested in the knife, and she explains that the line "drive the words deep into him" piqued her interest. Andrew tells her that there's carving on the blade, but he thought it was just a pattern. Kennedy trots back with the knife in hand. Willow cursorily examines it before handing it to Andrew, asking how he is with demon languages. Andrew recognizes the carvings on the knife as a demon language that he's familiar with. Even though he mistook it for a "pattern" before. No fucking way. There's no way that you could look at an object and see the letters of a language you are familiar enough with to translate and mistake it for a pattern. Didn't Jane E. study linguistics at Berkeley? That's a pretty sloppy oversight for someone with that kind of background. Andrew translates the inscriptions as reading, "The blood which I spill, I consecrate to the oldest evil." Willow thinks she might have something to go on. Cut to Willow in the dining room, typing away on her iBook. Buffy stands behind her. Willow gets up, saying, "I think that's got a shot," and they go to join the rest of the gang in the living room. Buffy tells Andrew that he's won a "free vacation to the beautiful downtown Hellmouth." Willow claims that because the Seal responded to the language on the knife when it was plunged into Jonathan's gut, they're going to have Andrew talk to the Seal in the inscription language and ask it very, very nicely if it would consider not spewing its evil influence anymore. Buffy gathers up Wood, Spike, and the Seal Whisperer and they head out.

Um, guys? You know how I was worried about Ash? Well, I just went to the kitchen to see what he was making for dinner and he was singing to himself, in a perfectly stagey teenage girl voice:

We love you Spi-ike
Oh yes we do
We love you Spi-ike
And will be true
When you're not near us
We're blue
Oh, Spi-ike, we loooove you

That's some scary shit coming from a 6' 4" guy, I gotta tell you. Either he really is cracking up, or it's some nefarious plan to drive me crazy. So maybe I haven't really been going crazy during this episode after all! It's just that Ash is out to get me. Cool -- I feel just like Ingrid Bergman! ["Better give Ash a hug. He might be the First." -- Sars]