Thank you to Couch Baron for the monkeys, Sep for all the phone conversations and funny lines, Boliver for the tape of Dressed to Kill, and finally, to The Powers That Be for prescription pharmaceuticals.
Amazing how they can come up with two minutes of previouslys when NOTHING has happened this season.
We open on a graveyard, where a couple of very scared Junior Misses are on patrol. At the sound of a twig breaking, Rona and Shrinking Vi-olet (the pageant contestant formerly known as "Miss Minnesota") whirl around. Spike knocks Shrinking Vi-olet to the ground, and I think I saw him punch Rona too. No sign of the chip activating, because it too knows that these girls have more in common with stick figures than actual characters. Spike mimes biting Shrinking Vi-olet and then addresses the other Junior Misses. "Okay. These two are dead. Why?" "Because the black chick always gets it first?" snarks Rona, brushing the graveyard dirt off of her track pants. When questioned by Buffy, she modifies her answer to, "It wasn't a fair fight." Molly takes notes, which mercifully means that she can't talk at the same time. Buffy tells the Junior Misses that while they don't quite have all the perks of the Slayer benefit package yet, they still have "inherent abilities that others do not have." Apparently, they have "strength, speed, instinct." She left out "whining, situational klutziness, and bad, bad fashion sense." Inherent abilities which, the show has demonstrated, are heightened upon actually being called as the Slayer. Buffy tells the Junior Misses to trust in their instincts, and badgers Rona into admitting that her first instinct was to run. Buffy then surprises the girls by telling them that running is often the best choice as it allows you to "make the fight your own." She decides to demonstrate, and stalks toward Spike, predatorily asking him about his instincts. (Those would be hunting and killing, for anyone in the audience who has forgotten that Spike is still a vampire.) "Come at me. Full speed," she commands. She turns her back to him and faces the Junior Misses to deliver another nugget of Slayer lore. Spike charges her, but she neatly ducks, letting his own speed work against him as he slams into a gravestone. She straddles him with her stake at the ready to simulate her victory. Oh! If only this scene had happened (for real) in, say, Season Three! I spend a moment weeping about what might have been. Buffy's droning breaks into my reverie. "Instinct. Understand his. Trust yours. You were chosen for a reason." Spike makes a small grunting noise, thus causing Buffy to be concerned about his welfare (and oh how it galls me having to type that sentence). He tries to get up. She wants to see his boo-boo. He doesn't want her too. She moves his shirt anyway. Boundaries, Buffy. He grabs her hand. Molly: "So we're s'posed to, loik, make out wif 'im or sumfin'?" Ah. Clearly Molly is a viewer of the last few seasons. A chagrined Buffy gets off of Spike and calls Molly and Kennedy to take their turn. Buffy has a pursed mouth and shriveled self-seriousness in this scene that I recognize but I can't quite put my finger on. Wait, I have it! She's Ally McBuffy. Well, as long as her groping of Spike doesn't lead to any visions of dancing computer-generated babies, I suppose I should be happy.
Nursery for Nervous Nellies, basement portion. Dawn sits sulkily on the stairs. Suddenly, my TV screen fills up with a bunch of monkeys, all dressed up in platform sandals, cunning frocks, feather boas, and mascara. They form a menacing circle around Dawn. I think they're all guy monkeys, but y'know, it's a little hard to tell with the simians.
Ace: I'm slapping myself silly, yet I'm still seeing this. That lying pharmacist promised these pain-killers didn't have any "psychological" side effects.
Lead Monkey: You read Couch Baron's latest recap, right? The one with the Typing Monkeys?
Ace: Yeah, yeah, of course.
Lead Monkey: Well, we're here to help you out. We're [strikes a dramatic pose] the Action Monkeys!
Ace: If I stop taking the Vicodin, will you go away? And how, uh, are you going to help me?
Lead Monkey: We're going to bitch-slap the hell out of Dawn every time she annoys you!
Ace: Cool. Carry on!
The Action Monkeys proceed to slap Dawn silly and leave her sniveling. I feel better than I have in days and wave goodbye to the gang as they totter up the Summers's basement stairs in their fancy sandals. Meanwhile, Buffy paces impatiently, axe in hand, and the Junior Misses natter on about who can do the most one-armed chin-ups. My money is on Kennedy. Okay, one of the little twits is missing. The youngest one with the dark hair -- Zoë or Chloe or something. She's quite simply not in the entire episode, and there's never any explanation. I don't really want to get into it, because there's plenty of crap in this episode to bitch about, but to have a character not appear and pretend that the audience won't notice, and not to make even the slightest effort to slip in a line as an explanation, is crappy show-running of the most egregious sort. There's not much more to be said, except that sloppiness like this pisses me off mightily. There are all manner of continuity errors and slip-ups I can accept because I don't think making a weekly TV show is any sort of easy task, but this, my friends, is beyond the pale. Marti, I'll expect your resignation on my desk in the morning.
Back to the show. Suddenly Buffy hurls the axe over the Junior Misses' heads at a target on the opposite wall. They look startled. "You're all gonna die," begins Buffy. Wow. I don't recommend she go into motivational speaking. Buffy continues talking about death for a moment and says, "My death could make you the Slayer." Aaaand here we go with that old chestnut again. I'm officially never believing anything anyone at Mutant Enemy says in an interview again. See, this is the problem I have with Mutant Enemy clearing up plot points in interviews. After Buffy's death at the end of Season Five, Joss made it very clear in interviews that Buffy's second death wouldn't call a new Slayer. I waited all during Season Six for a line of dialogue or a tiny scene to actually establish ON THE SHOW what he claimed in interviews. And it never happened. Not a single character in Season Six took the time to tell the others what Joss had decreed in interviews, or questioned whether they would have a new Slayer on their hands. Lots of posters on the boards asked about it, however, because it was an obvious plot point. It was such a common question on the boards that we had to add it to the FAQ, and we don't add things to the FAQ lightly. I tried to take the Scoobies' lack of commentary in Season Six as an indication that they all knew and accepted that Buffy's second death wouldn't call another Slayer, because of course, if they hadn't known that, they would have been curious about the third Slayer, correct? Basically, however, I knew the whole thing would come back to bite us in the ass. And now it has. As far as I can tell, we are now supposed to think that the Scoobies still believe that Buffy's death will call a Slayer, despite the fact that they have never expressed any awareness that her last death must have done so. Either that or Buffy is just using herself as a proxy in this discussion for Faith, since the Junior Misses don't know Faith and wouldn't take her death as hard. Either way, it makes my tummy ache. Who do they think they're fooling at this point? Do they actually expect us to be SHOCKED when they decide to remember about the existence of Faith? I think ME spends far too much time lately worrying about surprising the audience, and I really wish they would just focus on trying to tell an entertaining story. I personally don't mind figuring out a few plot twists in advance if the story is well executed. All I have these days is the futile hope that the story will be, well, executed. Hopefully with extreme prejudice.
Buffy goes to retrieve her axe and expositions that Anya believes that The First "is in remission for a while." Actually, it's just holed up in its lair reading magazines and waiting for February sweeps. The Evil union is very strict about these things. Buffy doesn't want the Misses to get too excited about The First's remission, because (according to her) all it really means is that it's using the time to regroup and come back stronger than ever. "The odds are against us. Time is against us. And some of us will die in this battle. Decide now that it's not going to be you." After this little dose of doom, Buffy tries to sweeten the deal by telling them that really they're all "special," because "most people in this world have no idea why they're here…you have a mission, a reason for being here. You're here because you are the chosen ones." And with one little letter "s," they eradicate seven entire seasons of mythology. Chosen ONES? Since freakin' when? Buffy trots upstairs, reminding Dawn that she's going to be late for school. Dawn's lip trembles because all she'll ever be is a shiny-haired princess. The Action Monkeys peek at me from the top of the screen, offering their services, but I wave them back because I want to take up the Dawn-slapping myself this time. My weapon of choice? Words. Aw. Buck up, widdle Dawnie. You can be a chosen one too! I have chosen to make you the receptacle of all my hate and bitterness. I have chosen (to hate) you (unendingly). Feel better? I know I do.
Sunnydale High. Buffy is in her office and on the phone with Xander, whom she advises to lock the door of the bathroom when he showers. He wouldn't want to get sexually assaulted by the morally ambiguous vampire that emotionally manipulated him into screwing said vamp for an entire season, despite knowing that Xander was in no way in a mental place healthy enough to be making decisions like that. Oh. Maybe it's just that the Junior Misses have been peeking in to see what Xander's stake looks like. Millie approaches Buffy's desk. We recognize her as the girl from "Help" that was having a bit of a problem with a bully. Until she plowed his face into the asphalt, that is. And yes, I am aware that on this show Millie's name is Amanda, but she'll always be Millie to me. Millie sits as Buffy expositions to Xander that Giles is picking up another Junior Miss in Shanghai. And if she doesn't speak English, I'm declaring that an official shout-out to Sep's last recap. On to Millie's problem. She wants to know if people ever think that Buffy is weird. Eventually Buffy admits that they do. Millie feels that she is picked on because people see her as odd. But that's not her real problem. She's worried because there's a boy. And they pick on each other, but she isn't sure if he likes her or is just being an asshole. At that age, it's probably a little (or a lot) of both. Buffy tells her that "sometimes that's how people relate. Being mean to each other." But since Buffy CANNOT STAND talking about anyone's problems but her own, her "advice" quickly devolves into a thinly-veiled analysis of her own relationship with Spike which makes it appear that Buffy is Conflicted about the status of her defunct and abusive relationship with the undead, despite the fact that it ended with his attempt to rape her. Yay! Go feminism! Oh wait. It already has.
Nursery for Nervous Nellies. Buffy opens the front door and is immediately enveloped by multiple voices yelling over each other in the living room. Chairs are knocked over. Throw pillows have been thrown. Frames are askew. Why are frames askew? Who knows. Maybe Vi has OCD and Rona tilted everything in order to get her goat. Xander, Rona, Vi, and Andrew stand in a circle and yell while Buffy waits in the background with arms crossed. "I was only gone a couple of hours," says she as soon as the ruckus dies down. Before she can assign anyone a time-out, Willow rushes down the stairs with news from the British coven. Buffy hauls her off to have a powwow. The older and arguably more mature Scoobs sit around the dining room table as Willow reveals that the coven has found another Junior Miss -- right there in Sunnydale! Well, at least that cuts down on the commute time. But why can't everyone else go and pick up the Chinese one in Shanghai and have Giles and Anya track down the Junior Miss in Sunnydale? I wanted to try my hand at making up imaginary Giles/Anya love themes like Sep did last week. "All these girls flock into town and this one's already here right under our noses," sighs Anya, obviously deeply missing her huggle-honey Giles (I'll take my opportunities where I can find them). Wait a sec! Is that Andrew in the background? Why? Why is he here? In this scene. On the show. WHY? And why are they trying to give him funny lines and make him likeable? This is the same sniveling little weasel whom we saw cheer Warren on to annihilate Buffy when Warren was briefly invincible last season. I've hated Andrew and his pinched little face ever since then, I've seen nothing to indicate that I should rethink my position now, and I resent that the writers seem to think that I should.
Okay. Back to what's passing for a plot. Xander is miffed that the seers weren't able to find any identifying information. "Am I getting the definition of seer wrong?" This new development throws a wrench in Buffy's plans to take the Junior Misses out on a field trip that night. Willow offers to do a locating spell for the eighty-seventh episode in a row, but Buffy is still unsure if she should go. Dawn is all, "You have more important things to do," but she says it in a self-pitying way. Buffy ignores her, as do the viewers. The Action Monkeys peep in from the kitchen, and I give them the go-ahead. They surround Dawn, slapping at her and pulling her hair.
Dawn: Wait! You can’t do this. I'm the little sister! I'm the spin-off hope! Joss says you must love me!
Lead Monkey: Hmmm. Do you have a flag?
Dawn: Uh, no. But, uh, I have shiny hair!
Lead Monkey: No flag, huh? We're not stopping.
They're mean, but I think I love them.
In the kitchen, the Junior Misses drool over weaponry. Mollie likes the crossbow. Shrinking Vi-olet is a mace girl. Rona goes for the "feel of wood in [her] hand." That's not Kennedy's style, but we already twigged to that. Dawn passive-aggressives, "Oh right. You guys are going on your little group patrol." Kennedy is excited about actually getting to kill things; Dawn squeaks defensively, "I've killed things!" Yeah. Most of the B-plots in Season Six, as well as many viewers' love for the show. Enter Buffy. Hot on her heels is Andrew, begging to go with. Andrew: "I'm not begging!" Buffy: "You're like a small dog, dancing for Snausages." Okay, that got a hee from me. Andrew whines that it's only because Buffy thinks that he is evil. "He's not evil," asides Buffy to the Misses, "but when he gets close to it he picks up its flavor. Like a mushroom or something." ["God. Andrew as a mushroom? How I wish he were kept in the dark and fed shit." -- Sep] ["Actually, I think that's the fate of the audience these days, Sep." -- Ace] Oh. The Mouth of Buffy has spoken. Hear ye! Andrew is not evil! Except that he killed his best friend, plotted to take over Sunnydale, went along with plans to rape Katrina, and when that went sour sat idly by and thought it was "cool" when he got away with her murder. Funny how the bar of evil has been set a little differently ever since Spike became a regular. Speaking of the devil, here he is. The girls greet him with excited twitters. And that's Exhibit Number 782,248,521 proving that we really are dealing with the dregs of the chosen line here. Buffy tells them to gear up, as it's time to go. Dawn sulkily watches them leave. I look around for the Action Monkeys, but it turns out they're all in the Summers's bathroom, fixing their faces and chattering. They're happy to see me (and offer to help "fix" my eyebrows) but decline to harass Dawn again until after the commercial break. Must be Monkey union rules I didn't know about.
In the dining room, Willow lays out her ingredients, saying the name of each individually to take up any time that might be left over for plots of any sort. Andrew and Dawn are in attendance. Willow stumbles over the plural of "chrysalis" and I cry real, hot, salty tears for the Willow of Seasons One through Three, who would not only know the usual form of chrysalides but also the less common form of chrysalides. But no! All of the Scoobs now are brainless shells of their former selves because most of the writers who have become brainless husks of their former selves. It's art imitating life, and it's making me cry. Dawn speculates about the identity of the newest Junior Miss, and hopes that it isn't her lab partner, who fainted while dissecting a pig. Andrew: "Killing pigs is just so wrong! And also hard." Ha ha! Isn't Andrew's villainous ineptness amusing? Didn't you all just have a hearty belly laugh when he slid a knife into Jonathan's intestines? No? Well, what's wrong with you? Andrew is obviously comedy gold! Willow explains that she's going to conjure up a light to locate the potential and illuminate her with a glowing aura. Which will probably make it that much easier for the Bringers to find her. There's also going to be a map involved. Willow doing a locator spell with a map? Oh, great -- because that never goes wrong. Willow starts the spell in the living room, throwing various ingredients on the fire. Immediately a stench and an orange cloud emanate from the fireplace. It kind of hangs around the living room, causing the Scoobs to believe that Willow flubbed another spell. Dawn goes to open the front door and air the place out, but the cloud zings in her direction and pins her against the door. Everyone looks surprised as the orange cloud hovers around her torso.
Commercials. Dawn slumps to the floor. She gets up. Nervous. Wondering if the spell was done wrong. Everyone is in shock. Anya sums it up: "It's like one second you were this klutzy teenager with fake memories and a history of kleptomania and suddenly you're a hero. A hero with a much abbreviated lifespan." Willow, trying make sense of this odd coincidence, says, "A Slayer. Makes sense, I guess. Remember that thing about they share the same blood or whatever?" Anya mumbles, "Yeah, I never got that." You, me, or anyone with half a brain. Dawn quickly realizes that in order for her to be called, Buffy would have to die. Again. For real this time. Or something. Y'know, somehow the whole concept is robbed of its dramatic tension, probably because we've been told by Joss for two seasons that it's not freaking true. ["And that, historically, Buffy just doesn't stay dead." -- Sars] Anya explains that the Slayer selection process is very similar to the papal system, "except you don't have to be some old Catholic." Which is a bonus. But when was the last time you saw the Slayer tooling around in a bubble car? And who among us can resist the bubble car? Willow wants to call Buffy and tell her the news, but Xander reminds her that she doesn't have her cell on her. Go on, Willow. Why don't you just use your incredibly situational telepathy? Or is that not an ability you happen to have this episode? It's so hard to keep track. Dawn sulks that Buffy didn't need a phone since all the important people are with her. Xander CRACKS ME UP by saying, "YOU are important now." But not before. You little creep.
Andrew wanders in, wondering when the microwave is going to be replaced because he's got a hankering for a hunk of cheese. Or popcorn. I'm physically incapable of typing "hankering" without it immediately preceding "hunk of cheese." Off of everyone's looks, Andrew wonders what's going on. After hearing the explanation, Andrew starts to make Luke Skywalker noises, but Xander threatens to bop him. Dawn, who has been pacing and muttering this whole time, decides that she doesn't want to tell Buffy because Buffy wouldn't be happy for her. Her reasoning, I'd like to add, is based on the message given to Dawn by the First Evil (masquerading as Joyce) in "Conversations With Dead People." At this point, Dawn is completely wigged and rushes upstairs so that she can continue her freak-out in private. Downstairs, Xander, Anya, and Willow continue to argue about whether this is good news for Dawn. Anya thinks that Dawn will now either have the lifespan of a fruit fly or a future that will stink of "unfulfilled potential." Willow, visibly rolling her eyes, says, "It's not like that. It's like she's part of this huge power." Andrew steps in and says (and before I quote his line, I want to make sure that everyone realizes that this was an actual line from the show and not something I made up to entertain myself), "It's like this metaphor for womanhood, isn't it? The sort of flowering that happens when a girl realizes that she's part of a fertile heritage stretching back to Eve." That? Is the worst line I've ever heard on any television show EVER. Up to and including any episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger I might have gotten sucked into when I've been stoned on Vicodin after my root canal this week. Blah blah blah. The entire conversation below reaches Dawn up in her room because suddenly the walls and floors of Casa Summers are entirely made up of sound-conducting air or something. The Scoobs argue whether Dawn is really going to be able to handle all of the changes in store for her. Dawn evaluates her reflection in the mirror. "I'm chosen," she says, steeling herself before opening her bedroom window and climbing out. I know that later events in this episode should reassure me, but this moment here with Dawn clambering out of the window just like Buffy used to freaks me right the freak out.
Buffy, the Junior Misses, and Spike enter one of Sunnydale's demon bars. It's just another one of Buffy's lessons. She tells the girls that sometimes the Slayer has to frequent such establishments of ill repute to scare someone or make contact. And don't forget those rousing games of kitten poker on Thursdays! Molly suggests that Slayer ought to come for a good stiff drink. Buffy agrees to let the Junior Misses have anything they like, and they're thrilled at the prospect of a little illicit alcohol consumption until they learn that the only things served there are yak urine and pig's blood. Buffy continues her lecture. "Not a being in here that wouldn't gladly rip your throat out," says Buffy. At this ill-timed moment, Clem bumps into Buffy, and Buffy greets him like he's a member of her coffee klatch instead of any conversation happening between Spike and Clem (who we've always known to have a closer relationship). Buffy compliments Clem on looking so toned, and Clem does a little "why thanks for noticing" head-bob. Why would Clem be pleased by this, having always detested the nasty and tight skin of humans? Sigh. It's a sad day when the writers cannot even maintain consistency for a character who has only appeared on the show a handful of times. Clem tells Buffy that he saw a program on the History Channel that she might like, and I'm keen to know what that might be. Do they have one on ancient torture devices or medieval weaponry? Ha! Need I even ask? While Buffy chats with Clem, Kennedy and Rona make smart-aleck comments to each other like, "Think she dated him too?" "He's ripping her throat out right now." Buffy picks up on this and takes Clem aside. After whispering to Buffy for a moment, Clem comes back over and tells the Misses that he has something important to show them about demons. From behind Clem, we see a bunch of tentacles where his face used to be, and all the Junior Misses scream. Whuh? I mean…whuh?
Annoying little git Dawn is walking the Sunnydale streets, bearing her burden of not being special and being upset about it, or being special and being upset about it, or whatever -- I really couldn't care less, except to hope that she gets eaten by monsters. The Action Monkeys caper around her, screaming, "Tea and cake or death," until Dawn bursts into tears. Then they stand about, clapping each other on the back and laughing about what a baby Dawn is. I'm beginning to think they might be dangerous, but can't pass up the opportunity for a good laugh at Dawn's expense. Then the Action Monkeys tell me they're all late for badger-poking appointments and that it's time for them to leave. Handshakes all around and I thank them for getting me this far. And then I'm rubbing my eyes desperately, because I swear to God, the Monkeys are all riding off down the Sunnydale streets on zippy scooters. "Ciao!" they yell as they turn and corner and vanish from my sight. Further down the street, Dawn runs into Millie. They know each other from school. They both claim to be out "just" walking, but Dawn notices that Millie has a scratch on her forehead. Millie touches the scratch, and then, saying she's had a "bizarre" night, she puts her bloody finger in her mouth. Uh, okay. Millie doesn't want to share how she got injured because she thinks Dawn won't believe her, but then 'fesses up with a story about being at school late and getting attacked by something with a messed-up face. Dawn thinks she knows what Millie ran into, and Millie is happy to have someone believe her. Turns out she left the vampire trapped in the school and wasn't sure what to do, so she came in search of Buffy. Dawn is curious about why Millie thinks Buffy could help, and Millie explains, "Well, I've heard people talking. A lot of them think she's some kind of high-functioning schizophrenic." Ha! For the past few seasons, I totally agree. But there's more -- Millie has also heard that Buffy has expertise in the area of the bizarre. Millie wants to know if they should get Buffy. Dawn responds, "She's out. I'll take this one." Moron. Does she even have a weapon?
Millie helps a squealing Dawn in through a window at the school. Not for all the kittens in Korea am I watching a Dawn spin-off, Mutant Enemy, so you can just stop now. Stop it! Dawn, knowing that she's only a potential Slayer without all the skills, took an unarmed civilian along with her to kill a vampire. What the fuck does she think she's up to? Millie wants to know if she's going to turn into a vampire from the scratch on her forehead. Dawn assures her that she's not. Millie then suggests that perhaps the vampire could be turned loose on the marching band for an amusing giggle, but Dawn gives her a nasty look. Oh, and that's not at all hypocritical coming from Little Miss Let's Throw Hot Water On Prisoners. Don't get all sanctimonious because you think you're a potential Slayer, Dawn. We all know you're still a little freak at heart. And in the time between writing that sentence and this one, I have done three loads of laundry, cleaned the cat box, and picked sludgy leaves out of the rain gutters. Because I am just that eager to find any excuse to not sit through the rest of this episode again. It's just not the same around here since the Action Monkeys left. I find any scenes where Dawn does more than fall off a chair in the background to be extremely painful to endure, especially when the scenes don't end in Dawn being slapped into week by a team of monkeys in dresses. Um, anyway. Dawn and Millie approach the room where Millie trapped the vampire. Dawn dishes out more vampire lore, telling Millie that the vampire could have busted down the door if he'd wanted to. She says that knowing about these things runs in the family. Shut up, Dawn! Dawn turns the knob and finds that the classroom door is no longer locked. Oh, how polite. The vampire took the time to pick the lock or something rather than just smashing the door down. Dawn and Millie step into the classroom, and Ash startles the hell out of me by yelling, "It's on the ceiling!" The camera pans up, and Ash is right -- the vampire is lurking on the ceiling above our two little unaware ninnies. I turn to Ash curiously, and he smugs, "Oldest trick in the book." Indeed.
Back from commercial, the vampire (in biker garb with leather vest) jumps down from the ceiling and scares the ninnies. They run, run, run and find the doors out of the building locked. Actually, they probably already knew that, since they had to come in through a window. Dawn grabs a fire extinguisher and screeches something very high-pitched that I couldn't make out but that really disturbs all the dogs in my neighborhood. As the dogs howl, all the bats who live in my vicinity send me a kind email thanking me for recapping during the day because, as they put it, "That Dawn kid really fucks up our sonar." Anyway, Dawn can't get the fire extinguisher to spray, so she bops Vest Vamp with the canister a few times and then she and Millie run, run, run.
Ally McBuffy and her preachy little ass have hauled the Junior Misses out to a crypt. Ooh, a demon bar and a crypt. Some outing. I think Buffy could bring in a little extra cash by marketing these outings to local Goth teens. She could put up flyers around the high school and junior high: "A Spooky Sunnydale Walking Tour with Buffy Summers -- deluxe package includes appearance by actual vampyr." Blah blippity blah. Oh, I should be recapping? Sorry, I got distracted while IM-ing the bats. They're a charming lot, although I do get tired of hearing them go on about how much they hate the owls. Something about unregistered flight patterns and hogging airspace. Back on the show, Buffy asks where they are, and one of the Misses responds that they must be in a vampire nest. A few interior decorating comments from Spike later, Buffy makes her point (I think) which is that "vampires can live anywhere, any way they want." Except in greenhouses, or in the park, or really anywhere there might be sunlight. Raise your hand if you think the seventh season of a show about vampires is a really cruddy time to treat the viewers to an extended recap of Vampire Lore 101. Yeah, I agree. We've all been here a million times, and hearing it told to this troop of fang-fodder doesn't really bring anything new to the table. Buffy adds that the "animal inside [a vampire is] always the same." What about when the animal is inside the Slayer? How "the same" is he then, Buffy? Oh, excuse me. My bitterness cup overfloweth. Not only does the fact that Buffy has been pronged by Spike undermine her authority with the Junior Misses, but his presence at these training sessions is obviously confusing because the Junior Misses really just want to chat with Spike about where he used to live. He claims to have lived a crypt, but a "bit more posh." Hey, Spike -- you left out all the basements you lived in this season. They weren't very posh. Then Buffy chimes in that Spike's crypt was "comfy." Good job, Buff, because that doesn't further confuse your message. Buffy sends the Misses off to look for signs of vampire inhabitation, and Spike sulks because the training session didn't become a five-woman encounter group about how he and the Slayer rode the stone sarcophagus together. Shut up, Spike. Couldn't you go be tortured in stoic silence again? These are the choices you might face in Hell: do I prefer shirtless-but-silent Spike, or clad-but-flapping-his-trap Spike? The Misses find a corpse on the ground (because you can't put anything past them, no sirree). Buffy checks the body and refers to it as "leftovers." Leftovers that had a snack or two itself, I guess, because just then the body raises its head and growls.
Millie and Dawn run and run and run. Snore. "In here," shrieks Dawn opening a classroom, and the bats IM me, "Can't you do something about that!!!!????" Yes, they're a little heavy on the punctuation, but you try to type with tiny winged claws. I think they do a good job, all things considered. I fire back a note to let them know I'm doing everything within my scathing and snarking power to make sure that Michelle Trachtenberg doesn't appear on television beyond this year. Dawn and Millie flail about trying to barricade the door of the science lab they're in, and manage to pull a large cabinet in front of it. I rewind the tape to see if the door opens in or out, because if it had opened out, I was going to have a field day. I guess someone at Mutant Enemy was awake the day this scene was shot, though, because the door does open inwards. Millie asks if they're safe right before Vest Vamp slams into the door.
Cut to Buffy, pontificating that no one is safe, as she prepares to fight Leftovers, who approaches menacingly. Leftovers jumps her. Not, not that way! His abs aren't rock-hard enough to qualify.
Dawn and Millie try to keep the cabinet against the door as Vest Vamp struggles outside. Dawn assures Millie that they'll make it.
"You can't think too much," explains Buffy. I believe that motto hangs over the door to the offices at Mutant Enemy. It's also engraved, in Latin, on all of Marti's stationery, to a tiny, embossed, shirtless Spike. Well, that's her formal stationery. Her informal stuff just has the phrase, "Plot and characterization are flobotin." She's a classy lady that way. So, Buffy wants the Junior Misses to just react to vampires and not think. Because thinking is hard and hurts your head real bad. Sorry, Marti was on my mind again. Erm, where was I? Buffy fights Leftovers, and Spike prevents Kennedy from helping her out.
Dawn and Millie haven't gone anywhere since the last quick cut. They reassure each other, and I think Dawn has a plan. It's hard to tell with all the shrieking. The bats have all stuffed cotton wool in their ears and gone back to bed, so I don't hear anything from them about this latest bout of racket. Darn. I miss the little guys. Why do my make-believe animal companions keep deserting me? Buffy fights Leftovers, and then her voice-over tells us that the Slayer must take advantage of things in her environment for a fight as we see Dawn throwing stools and glass beakers at Vest Vamp. She also flicks on a gas jet, but I'm not sure if it's intentional. Buffy's voice-over goes on, and on, and on about finding potential weapons and staying calm as we see Dawn throw acid at Vest Vamp and then grab a flag pole from the front of the room. Millie cowers in a corner. In a bit that does actually make me chuckle, Dawn tries to break the flag pole in half a few times over her knee, but fails. She then breaks it over one of the lab tables as Vest Vamp stands by, patiently waiting for her to finish rather than rushing her. Dawn swings the pole a few times and then falls over backwards as Buffy rambles on about "every blow being part of your plan." Oh, who is she kidding? She's had a million fights where nothing she did was planned or intentional. Vest Vamp pounces on Dawn, and Buffy intones, "And you make that one mistake and it's over." Um, yeah. I know the premise of the show. I have watched the past SIX AND A HALF YEARS, FOR GOD'S SACK!
And I had a little dialogue between Sep and me to go here, where I said I didn't hate this episode, I just had contempt for it, and she was skeptical of the difference, so I explained that contempt is like hate but with the passion turned down and the sneer turned way, way up -- but you know what? Now I do hate this episode.
Buffy throws off Leftovers and tells the Junior Misses the only thing they know right now is that they have Buffy protecting them. Then she drops her stake on the ground, and she and Spike waltz out of the crypt, shutting the Junior Misses in with Leftovers. Leftovers might get a full meal now. I mean, the music tells me I should care and be all in suspense at this turn of events, but I hope he eats them all. And can somebody tell me why Buffy found the Cruciamentum to be such a massive betrayal, but now thinks this similar training technique is fine and dandy? My fanwank is that she's tired of the little pups and they're getting in the way of her getting a leg over Spike, so she's decided to thin the herd. And I can really understand her thinking there. Except the Spike part. Also, if Buffy's going to keep preaching at the Junior Misses, I'm not sure I can make to the end of this episode. In fact, here's a little poem I just wrote:
Since I ran out of Vicodin
I can't bear to watch this again
Oh, wise Sars, pretty please
Won't you buy drugs for your employees?
["There once was an admin on TWoP
Whose staff begged her, "Sars, make it stop!"
She passed them a bong
To help them get along
And now they think ME's tip-top." -- Ogden Nash]
Willow knocks on the door to Dawn's room, but gets no response. Behind her, Anya offers to kick the door down and giggles, but Xander shushes her. Here's a dime, Xander -- go buy a sense of humor. Why only a dime? Because I've heard the ones belonging to the scribes of ME are going real cheap on eBay right now. Can the band leader get me a rim-shot, please? Xander tries the knob (and I'm resisting a joke there) and finds out the door isn't locked. Willow, Anya, and Xander seem surprised that it's not, but if Dawn were my annoying, sulky, klepto teenaged charge, I'd make sure her door didn't have a lock at all. They enter the room. She's not there. The open window indicates that the shrieky bird has flown the sound-conducting coop. Xander obviouses that they need to find Dawn right away, and Willow offers to do a locator spell. Another one! And they always go so well! Let's hope this one uses a map! Willow murdered two people and tried to destroy the world, and her punishment is an endless hell of torment where she performs faulty locator spells over and over and over! Oops, my mistake! That's the viewers' endless hell of torment!
School. Dawn. Vest Vamp. Dawn would like some help from Millie. Millie doesn't feel up to the task. Just then, a whole passel of Bringers bursts in through the windows and head for Millie. I get the feeling shrieking might ensue, so I quickly hire a courier to bring the bats a crate of tiny industrial-strength noise-blocking earmuffs. Once they let me know they're all kitted out, I can roll tape again. Ouch -- yes, I should have gotten a human-sized pair for myself. Dawn surpasses herself, shattering glass and cracking the foundations of my house as she screams, "No, you don't want her!" The Bringers haul Millie to her feet, and Dawn actually is self-absorbed enough to then whisper, "You want me…" Oh, how sad, Dawn. Now the scary men with scabby eyes won't stick a KNIFE in your GUTS. Now you won't be the TARGET of the FIRST EVIL. Now you won't have to see your SISTER die so you can be SPECIAL. Poor, poor little Dawn.
God, how I hate her.
The Bringers have Millie, and one of them approaches with his knife. They ignore Dawn, who leaps up to the open gas jet and uses a sparker to set the gas on fire. A fireball engulfs the Bringers, and Dawn pops up from behind a lab table and calls to Millie, "Get out!" They run. Because it's been a good five minutes since we saw them running up and down the school halls, and we were missing it, right? Then they stop at the top of a staircase for some sort of stupid-ass conversation, rather than, say, running downstairs and smashing out a window, or even calling anyone on the cell phone Dawn should be carrying. So, um, Dawn tells Millie that she's the special one and she should fight the Bringers. "It's something you have to do. It's something you were born to do," says Dawn, handing Millie the flag pole, and Millie's all, "Nuh uh. You're just chicken." Not really, but that would have been amusing. We see that Xander is downstairs. He just stands there, I guess because he has gone off in search of Dawn, to save her from the Bringers, without any weapons. Oh, whatever. I just don't have the heart anymore. The Bringers rush Millie. Then we see that Xander is accompanied by Buffy and Spike, who are also not armed. Oh, and don't ask me how Xander got hold of them, because I just don't know and I don't care.
Everyone fights the Bringers and Vest Vamp, who didn't have the smarts to run away. Dawn helps Millie out by tripping bad guys, Millie dusts Vest Vamp, and Spike 'n' Buffy stab Bringers with their own knives. I'm not sure what Xander does -- it's another one of those strange scenes where he appears and disappears. But don't read anything into that. I'm sure it's just bad blocking. All the baddies are eliminated, and Millie is a little stressed. She goes off on Buffy, complaining that she came by the Summers home for help after being attacked by Vest Vamp and was hit by an orange cloud. So we're supposed to think she was just outside the door when Dawn coincidentally was hit by the cloud on the inside. But we did see Dawn get hit and glow, so I think the writers are leaving their options open for Dawn to be discovered as a Junior Miss in the future. Millie rants about Buffy being into drugs because the cloud made her dizzy. Huh? I think that was a sort of shout-out to her Freaks & Geeks character, but it was a pretty stupid line. Dawn explains to the others that Millie is the potential Slayer located by Willow's spell, and Buffy and Spike look sort of dumbfounded. Millie makes an exasperated face.
Kennedy, Rona, Vi, and, um, the other girl whose name I can't remember sit in the Summers living room with Millie and share tales of the night before. It looks like Xander has fixed the front windows again, as they aren't boarded up in this shot. The girls babble on about the vamp they killed, and then Kennedy turns to Millie and includes her by saying, "So you took one out solo?" The other girls are eager for a description of Millie's adventure. As Millie talks about the charge she got out of the whole thing, Dawn eavesdrops all sad-like from the kitchen doorway. Fuck you, Dawn. Boo hoo. Self-absorbed little sucky-baby. Buffy and Xander come out of the kitchen behind Dawn, and Dawn (sadly, of course, because she isn't destined to die a brutal, violent, early death) explains that she's going to do some research on ways to fight The First. Buffy approves, and invites the Junior Misses down to the basement for training.
Poor, sucky, sad Dawn sits down with the books, but notices that Xander is still lurking behind her. He tells her he was just thinking about what a "harsh gig" being a potential Slayer is, what with the death and all. He sits down to Dawn and muses, "And the amazing thing is…not one of them will ever know. Not even Buffy." Dawn's curious: "Know what?" "How much harder it is for the rest of us," replies Xander. Dawn protests, but Xander explains how he's watched his friends get more and more powerful over the past seven years. I even smile as he explains, "Hell, I could fit Oz in my shaving kit, but come a full moon he had a wolfy mojo not to be messed with." Aw, Nick Brendon is really selling this scene. He reiterates how powerful his friends are and then stands and gestures to the front of the house, a little regretfully but mostly with acceptance, and says, "And I'm the guy who fixes the windows." Xander refers to the night before, and Dawn is embarrassed (about putting everyone at risk by running away, I hope), but Xander congratulates her. "You thought you were all special. Miss Sunnydale 2003. And the minute you found out you weren't, you handed the crown to [Millie]." Hey! Is that a shout-out to the pageant theme Sep and I have been using in our recaps? No, don't rob me of my delusions. Xander continues that Dawn gave her power to Millie, and explains, "They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie. To be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody is watching me. I saw you last night, I see you working here today. You're not special -- you're extraordinary." And yes, the first time I watched this, I cried. But I cried only for Xander Harris, because this summed up the things I think about his character when I put aside my cynicism and snark. And I cried because he usually endures all these things in silence, soldiering on bravely and without complaint. I didn't cry a single tear for Dawn, though, because I simply don't feel any sympathy for sucky-baby, monk-made Key girls who have whined and whined for two seasons about not being the center of the universe. You waste your words, Xander. Save them all for yourself -- you deserve them. Xander kisses Dawn on the forehead and starts to leave. Dawn stops him, saying, "Maybe that's your power. Seeing, knowing." "Maybe it is," agrees Xander. "Maybe I should get a cape." They agree that capes are good, and Xander strides out, leaving Dawn and her little sucky-baby self to her research.