She's gonna die. Believe it.

S07E04

A preamble of sorts: The problem with this episode wasn't that it was as drawn-out as a human lung covering a tennis court (which is, in fact, possible), but that key points were revealed to us in the teaser for week's episode, and ads all week long, and in the bumper for the episode during the closing credits for Everybody Loves Raymond (which is untrue, particularly in my household). We saw the guys in the red hooded robes; we saw the icky, fleshy, veiny, thick-necked demon reminiscent of Anya when she demons it up, and the flesh-eating parasite from this season, and a touch of Adam, and more than a pinch of Henry Rollins; and we saw Buffy getting all stressed about her new job. So, like, the episode? Was already ruined. And stuff. Spoiled, if you will. The only bit we didn't get to see was Cassie's performance. So, UPN? Formerly known as the Simple Shapes Network for their stupid old logo? Quit it with the giveaway teasers. Desist from telling the entire plots in less than eight seconds. And maybe this episode could have been a little less dull.

Previously on B the VS: Willow meets Anya outside the magic shop. She just got back. Buffy gets a job as a counselor at the high school. Her boss, the new principal, is hot. Spike is insane in the membrane -- I mean, "insane in the basement." Going insane! In his brain! Sorry. Stoned is the way of the walk! My bad. They're called Cypress Hill. Xander is also at the high school, "doing construction." Whatever you say, he's Buffy's slave and a weenie and that's it. Buffy asks her hot boss why she has this job, and he tells her that "the students need someone around here who understands them. [He] needs someone who understands these students." By that logic...oh, forget it. Buffy just looks at him open-mouthed. Because her new boss is hot.

Lights up in a funeral home showcase. Coffins everywhere. What is this, Six Feet Under? Boy, I'd hate to recap that -- I hear the forums are craaazy busy with millions of posters. Oh wait, that's this show. We focus on a woman lying in a open coffin. She's got a horrible black lace suit-thing on, orange Ronald McDonald-crossed-with-Estelle-Costanza hair, and more pancake than an IHOP. Off-screen, two male voices speak. "You did a nice job on her, she looks good." "Thanks. Well, see ya tomorrow!" "Night." The lights fade off. The door closes. In the blue darkness, Buffy and Xander hop out of coffins. Oh, so it's The A-Team now? What wacky hijinks. Xander looks at his watch and says, "Thirty-three minutes!" I have a premonition that I'll be making a gesture very similar to that one sometime during this recap. He asks Buffy since when do they make such a big deal of lying in wait for one vampire -- no, scratch that, one potential vampire. Buffy says robotically, "Vampire by vampire. It's the only way [she] know[s] how." Ugh. Me drink beer. A frantic knocking interrupts this sparking champale conversation. It's Dawn, stuck in a little kid coffin (brought to you by PlaySkool, makers of My First Crematorium and The Li'l Embalming Kit). She asks why, since she's not the shortest one here, she had to hide in the kiddie coffin. Buffy shushes her and reminds them that it's her job to kill the vamps, so shut up, extraneous people.

Xander apologizes, saying he's been "stressed out" lately because of Anya and all. Yeah, not marrying someone really makes the relationship more complicated. In that "over" kind of way. Buffy is stressed too. Shocker. Dawn is stressed too, because of Willow being back and "here but not part of the gang here -- and hopefully not under my feet in another time dimension, here." Buffy says she should be curled up in bed with her insomnia, worried about her job. It's her "first week of talking to the kids. What if their problems are all weird and tricky?" Xander says she's an expert in the field. Yeah, and she's so balanced and happy and not conflicted. Let her at those troubled teens! Yeah. Buffy says to check her out: taking her little sister on a field trip to a funeral parlor to get up close with the recently deceased. Xander says Estelle McDonald looks dead. Buffy says the newspaper said there were wounds on the neck. Indeed, there are two little cuts stitched shut. What a bo-bo funeral parlor. They should match, patch, and blend those wounds. What, they have hairspray and lipstick, but no Dermablend? Dawn says she looks peaceful; then wham, the woman's eyes fly open, glowing a lupine yellow, and she growls that she is not peaceful. Buffy says she can help with that, and stakes her but good. The kicker? "[Buffy] always thought that closed caskets were more tasteful anyway." She closes the lid. Ba-dump-bump.

Credits.

An ordinary school day -- or is it? Of course it isn't. We pan by extras walking the halls, laden with bulging school bags, and peer in at Buffy sitting at her new desk, straightening things out. She sharpens pencils balefully. We see that Azura Skye is guest-starring. Great! Buffy sharpens and sharpens her pencil until a girl walks in. Buffy turns hysterically cheerful and screams, "Come in!" The girl does, and woefully says that Mr. Miller sent her here. Buffy asks if she knows why. The girl doesn't know -- maybe because this guy was picking on her.

A sad piano starts up. Chords Of Teen Confusion, Volume 6. A young man in a hoodie stares down Buffy, now in a tank top and strand of pearls, and says he doesn't want to talk to her. She says "okay." He says he's serious, he doesn't want to talk, and Buffy says "okay" again. A jarheaded blonde guy says disingenuously that he hates to miss bio, but he felt he had to come and talk to Buffy. Buffy plumbs his shallow depths to discover why. School? Girls? Parents? Yes, that one, his parents. "There's issues. Of divorce." We jump-cut back to the first girl. Buffy says it's horrible to be picked on, and the thing about people that tease is that they're..."insecure?" The wan girl finishes Buffy's sentence. She's "really tired of everyone being so insecure." Tell me about it.

Buffy and the guy in the hoodie stare each other down.

Buffy tells the jarhead that "divorce is terrible. [Her] parents got divorced when [she] was a kid." He says, quick like a bunny, that his parents are happily married. But he has other problems! With girls! Maybe he should just get to bio? Buffy narrows her eyes ever so slightly and nods yes.

Buffy tells wan Amanda that she has to stick up for herself. "You tell him that you're not going to take any more of his shi...ah...guff. His guff." Amanda says that that's what she did. She "jumped him in the parking lot? And slammed his stupid-ass insecure face right into the pavement." Buffy says, "You what?" Maybe that's why she got sent to the counselor, huh? "Should I pound on him some more?" Maybe, Amanda. Let's wait and see.

Willow and Xander walk and talk. Zzz. Willow notes that Buffy is stressed about her new job, which of course is totally news. Then there's the whole new-school-on-the-Hellmouth thing. Xander says expositionally, "From beneath you it devours." Hey, I remember that phrase! Willow says it's going to be "bad, real bad, and if it comes? Well, when it comes...." Oh, come on -- we all know the season finale (as always) is going to be Something Very Bad Coming. No need to sugarcoat it. Just let it unfold plotfully, please. Willow is concerned that she won't be able to help, or to control herself without going all "black-eyed baddie." Xander makes a very old-time-y eat-your-oatmeal kind of analogy about how Willow controlling her magic is a lot like hammering a nail. Hear him out. One way to hit a nail is to let the head fall where it will, but you could bang your thumb that way. So, you choke up on the handle, which will then take like ten hits to get the nail in, since all the weight of the head is diminished. "Power and control. It's a trade-off." Willow says that's not a bad analogy. Wow, for a chick that just got out of off-screen rehab, she sure hasn't gotten tired of hearing people make analogies. They stop walking. Xander asks if she's ready for this. For what? We pull out to see that they're in a graveyard. Willow walks by herself and kneels by Tara's grave. The Sad Piano Of Mourning starts up. Willow reaches out and runs her fingers along the stone cuts that spell out Tara's name. "Hey," she says sadly. "It's me."

By Alex Richmond

Buffy and the guy in the hoodie stare each other down.

Buffy rushes in to her hot boss's office. What should she do? Her hot boss says that she already did the right thing, which was to tell him about it. He informs her that "kids this age, they're hurting, they're pissed off, and they say things. Awful things." Buffy should know all about that. He steps up to the coffee maker and pours two cups, telling her all about the time when he was a kid and threatened to "bust" some guy's "ass. People took talk like that seriously where I'm from." Buffy supplies idiotically, "The 'hood?" Yes, way back in the day when he was down with his peeps in the streets, riding his old-school dinosaur and rockin' stone Adidas. He looks over his shoulder at her and says, "Beverly Hills. Which is a 'hood." A hood that everyone knows the zip code of. Hot Boss says he was speaking out of fear, because he "couldn't bust a move, let alone someone's ass." So he'll perform the perfunctory locker searches ("but we can't search their brains") and make the phone calls to parents, and that's pretty much it. Buffy goes into superwoman mode, ranting that she has to do something, since she "doesn't usually get a heads up when someone is going to die." Hot Boss says, "'Usually'?" Buffy stammers and steps forward to explain, and spills her coffee all over herself. Then she realizes that Azura predicted the spillage. Boing! Or, duh!

Buffy collars Dawn in the hallway and says she has a job for her.

The library. Dawn spies on Azura and her doofy Xander-esque friend who asks her what she's drawing, and can it be something she can make into a tattoo? Maybe they can get matching tattoos. Like a snake with fire coming out of its mouth. Azura suggests a "sexy hula girl that wiggles when you flex." Doofus says, "Now you're talking!" No, now she's busting on you. He brings up the dance. She already said no, and besides, it will be lame. "Lame is funny," says Doofus. Actually, lame is not always funny. Case in point? The recap for this episode. The ep's so dull that there's hardly any jokes to be made. He keeps insisting that he and Azura should hang out at the winter formal. Dawn walks up, introduces herself, and says she takes ceramics with Azura. Did they have an assignment for week? Um, yeah -- but Azura didn't write it down. She wrinkles up her head at Dawn and says it was "something to do with glazes." Doofus stands up, introduces himself to Dawn (his name is Mike), and says he'd better go study if he's going to ace his test. As he walks away, Azura tells him he's going to get a B. Dawn takes Doofus's seat and asks how Slaughterhouse Five is. Azura is digging it. It's no Cat's Cradle, but it'll do. Azura says she stopped reading her assigned texts and now just reads for her. Dawn is all, "That's so cool!" She says she'd do the same thing, but her sister would whomp her. I don't think I've ever seen Dawn with a book. If Dawn read for pleasure instead of, oh, say, ripping off the magic shop, Buffy would have a lot less to worry about. Azura puts two and two together and realizes that Buffy and Dawn are sisters. She says she just saw Buffy this morning. Dawn says stupidly, "What about?" Oh, just none of your damn business. Well, is Azura going to the dance with Doofus? No, since she's "not going to be around that night." Dawn looks blank. Some more.

By Alex Richmond

Finally, Azura Skye. Buffy notes that she hasn't been completing her homework assignments. Azura says inarticulately, "It all seems just kind of...whatever." Yeah. Buffy says high school is frustrating, but if you just get through it, you can go to college or join the French Foreign Legion. Azura says she's not going to do that. Buffy carries the non-joke further, saying it would be a pain to change your name and get stationed in Algeria and things of that nature. No, Azura didn't mean that. She didn't mean that at all. What she meant was, she wasn't going to graduate from high school. And hey, that's a great shirt Buffy has on (we're back to the plain white tank top and string of pearls). Buffy is all, don't change the subject. What won't you graduate? Azura drops the bomb: Because Friday, she's going to die. Kaboom.

Buffy's face is incredulous. "What?" She said she's going to die. She doesn't mean she's going to commit suicide; no one is going to hurt her, and she doesn't think it, she just knows it. "Some things [she] just know[s]." She apologizes for wasting Buffy's time. She knows there will be coins, lots of coins, and that Buffy will go someplace dark underground, and that Buffy will try to help. Azura stands up to leave and says Buffy should really put a sweater on so her nice shirt doesn't get stained. Then she's outta there.

Drunken Dad is clearly, er, drunk. He asks if Azura's grades are slipping again, and laughs that she isn't "the sharpest apple in the barrel." So how far did she fall from the tree, Boozehound McBeerford? Actually, Buffy wanted to talk about Drunky's behavior. Like, does he get drunk and beat up his daughter, ever? Drunky gets all bent out of shape and hollers at Buffy and Xander. "Thash a lie! I pay my support! To th' dime! Did my ex-wife put you up t'this?" Well, not exactly. Drunky falls into self-pity and says his ex just wants to take away "the one weekend a month [Drunky] has with [his] daughter." Buffy takes the hint and asks what weekend that is. Not this one coming up? Well then, sorry to disturb you, Drunky, sir, and feel free to get back to your boozing.

Buffy and Xander walk out to their car, and Azura slips out of the shadows and says, "It's not him. He's not the one who does it. Thank you for trying, but...you're all making such a big deal about it and I just want it to go away." Xander is all, don't kill yourself. It ain't right! Buffy says she sure doesn't sound like someone who wants to live. But oh, Azura does. "I want to graduate from high school, and I want to go to the stupid winter formal..." Violins actually play during the monologue. God, I'd love to see Molly Shannon do this bit. "There's a lot of stuff I'd like to do. I'd like to ice skate at Rockefeller Center?" The piano gets a piece of the action. "I'd like to see how my cousins grow up, because they're mean and I bet they get really fat. I'd like to backpack across the country and, I don't know, fall in love. But I won't! I never will!" Buffy pleads for her to tell them everything they know so they can help her not die. Azura can't. "I don't know why and I don't know how, but something out there is gonna kill me." Is it boredom? Because that's what's killing me RIGHT NOW.

Then we get a Busby Berkeley via Satan overhead shot of seven red-robed dudes with candles. They chant and ritualistically light a fire. A close-up of said fire shows a photo of Azura in the center, licked by the flames closing in. Hey, could it be...those guys trying to kill her? Thirty-four minutes in, people. Oh my god, I predicted I would do that!

School. Buffy sits at her desk, looking despondent. Again. Some more. Let me guess her emotion. Is it...stress? Ding ding ding! Oh, sigh. She's looking at Azura's website. Her hot boss comes up and says, "Rough week? Well, thank God it's Friday." Then he chides himself for saying that. Buffy starts reading a poem; then Azura picks it up in voice-over. She sits alone a lot, in the poem. Good for her.

Oh great, the basement. Spike sits alone in shadow. He won't respond to Buffy, even after she snaps her fingers in his face. She asks him, annoyed, what he's doing. Why would you ask a crazy person what they're doing? He's sitting there catatonically! That's it. He's nutty and crazy and motionless. The end. Don't give him a chance to put some kind of spin on it. It's not like you came all the way down there to see how he's doing -- you need something from him. Just get to the point, Buffy The Counselor And Fun Show Killer. Spike says that if he doesn't move or think or listen to the voices, he won't hurt, much. Yes, and if you don't watch this episode, Buffy fans won't hurt much, either. Heed me! Buffy asks him to help, and says that Azura is in trouble -- is something evil in the school, down here, maybe? Spike sits in profile, barely lit and glowing blue. He has a bleached mini-fro. He says, "Yes, there's evil down here. William's a baaad man. [He] hurt the girl." He punches himself a few times. Buffy asks him what he did. He hurt you, Buffy -- don't you remember? She turns to leave; Spike asks her to stay and help him be quiet. She says she thinks it's worse when she's there. No, it's worse when Spike's on camera, overacting and shit.

Locker search time. Doofus walks by, and Buffy stops him. He looks upset. Does he get upset a lot? He's pissed that he got a B on his test. Wow, Azura said he was going to get a B! Are you getting that everything Azura says comes true? Oh m'god! That means she's gonna D-I-E if someone doesn't do something! Or maybe...just maybe...there's nothing anyone can do! Dude! Not cool! Doofus realizes that Buffy is Dawn's sister, and mentions that he was thinking of asking Dawn to the dance "if [Azura] won't budge." Buffy sees that he isn't all mad at Azura, but then changes gears to get all bitter that Dawn is his "second choice!" Some coins fall out of a searched locker, and Buffy dismisses Doofus to investigate. She takes note of the locker number.

Buffy's office. She stares down a dork. She wants to know what the coins are and what they have to do with Azura. Oh, the dork doesn't know. Can he go now -- he doesn't want to miss his bus. Buffy threatens him with bodily harm if he doesn't 'fess up. Dork says some guys he know want to mess with the "weirdo poet girl." Some guys in robes? You don't say.

School's out. Dawn offers to walk Azura home. Azura says it's kind of far. Dawn says, "Far is good!" Azura says she knows Buffy told Dawn "about [her]." Dawn says she wanted to be friends, and Azura says they are friends. Aww! Friends with a very short shelf life. Like soft cheeses. The jarhead guy calls out, "Summers!" Azura tells Dawn, "Anything that happens now is not your fault." Whuh? Jarhead wants to know if anyone has asked Dawn to the winter formal. She bites her lip. Um, no! Well, he was just taking a poll. He cackles and walks away. Dawn says, "That guy is such an ass," but she's speaking to the wind. Azura's gone.

Night. Jarhead and some other dorks in red robes stand in a circle and light candles. One dork giggles. Jarhead shushes him. Dork says, "It's just that we're going to be so rich!" The fire exits are nastily booby-trapped, we learn from Jarhead: "No one is getting in...and no one is getting out." He picks up a shiny, shiny cleaver and holds it close to Azura's neck. Her mouth is duct-taped shut, but you can still hear her frightened whimpers. Jarhead says, "It's nothing personal...[Azura] just has this suicidal death-wish thing going on. Extinguish." The robeys snuff out their candles. He starts addressing some demon, asking to be rewarded with "infinite riches" in return for their "sacrifice." Buffy whips off her red robe and says, "That's going on your permanent record." Oh, the bon mots -- do they ever start? She kicks the cleaver out of Jarhead's hand, then kicks him again so he's down and in pain. She asks the robey crew if they "know how lame this is...trying to raise up a lame demon." Dorks never know how lame they are. That's why they're dorks. Buffy says they forgot the metal music. "Blue Clam Cult?" Heh. Someone points behind her and says, you mean that lame demon? There is in fact a big fleshy demon -- part Adam, part Henry Rollins, part Eddie the Iron Maiden mascot -- right behind her. Guess that Blue Oyster Cult wasn't required after all.

Buffy hurls the cleaver at the demon. He pulls it out of his carapace and tosses it near Jarhead. Buffy rushes to protect Azura, but the demon bests her. Jarhead grabs the cleaver. The Rollins demon is about to stomp her guts out, but then Spike is there behind her with a torch. Buffy grabs it and flambés the Rollins demon. Spike punches out the jarhead, wincing with every sock he delivers to Jarhead's jaw. Jarhead asks who Spike is. He's a "bad man." No, that's "bad actor." As Rollins Demon becomes more charred, Spike untapes Azura to hear her say, "She'll tell you. Someday she'll tell you." What, that Buffy looooves Spike? Ooh, Spike and Buffy, sitting in a tree. ["Let's hope they stick to sitting this time around." -- Sars] Buffy comforts Azura, and Jarhead crawls past them to the crispy demon. "You can't be dead. Where are [Jarhead's] infinite riches?" The demon rises up and bites him in the neck. "Ow! Help! I'm bleeding!" Buffy and Azura walk past Jarhead, and Buffy quips, "Sorry, [her] office hours are ten to four."

Once outside, Buffy opens the library door, and the booby trap is sprung. An arrow launches out of a crossbow, right towards Azura. Buffy grabs it with her ninja speed, inches from Azura's eyeball. "See? You can make a difference." Azura pats Buffy's hair, says she will, and falls to the floor. Dead. Buffy is all, noooo! I'm all, finally.

Buffy and the gang sit sadly around the living room. Azura's mom told them that the family has a history of "heart irregularities." Willow says that if Azura didn't know, "then it was fate." Xander tells Buffy that it didn't matter what she did. Buffy says she "failed [Azura]." Dawn says, "Unh-uh. She died because of her heart. Not because of [Buffy]...sometimes you can't help." Buffy says, "So what then. What do you do when you know that. When you know maybe, you can't help." Hey -- that doesn't mean you stop trying, missy! Just because you feel helpless and impotent doesn't mean you are every second of every day. Yes, life is tough, but there's puppies and chocolate and love and...okay, it's bleak, but I'm not a fucking cheerleader. So yeah.

Monday. Buffy is in her office. Students walk by. Buffy sits at her desk. Loud silence.

By Alex Richmond

Monday. Buffy is in her office. Students walk by. Buffy sits at her desk. Loud silence.