“ What do I need here? TiVo -- check. Remote -- check. Laptop -- check. Ability to listen, watch, type, work the remote, sip Coke, and fend off an affectionate cat all at the same time? Still working on regaining those multi-tasking skills. ”
Wow, my recapping skills are a little rusty. What do I need here? TiVo -- check. Remote -- check. Laptop -- check. Ability to listen, watch, type, work the remote, sip Coke, and fend off an affectionate cat all at the same time? Still working on regaining those multi-tasking skills. And by the way, many thanks to Couch Baron and Sars for keeping you guys entertained this summer while I fulfilled my dream of being treated like crap by retail drones in three different countries.
Okay, roll tape. Or roll TiVo, to be accurate. I'm momentarily confused as to what station I'm watching, due to UPN's new red and white logo. Whatever could have made them decide to drop the bilious orange color scheme? James Marsters welcomes us to UPN, and text in the lower-left hand of the screen tells us we're enduring something called the "Tues. Premiere Bash." We've got the Goo Goo Dolls, the series premiere of Haunted, and "the first spanking new Buffy of the school year." I'd snark something about most of our TWoP audience not relating to the school calendar, but as it does apply to two out of three recappers, I'll keep my mouth shut. James crouches to a gravestone that reads, "The Other Side of Tuesday UPN," and then he advises that we hang on to our "widgets." I would, James honey, but it interferes with my typing.
Okay, deep breath. First recap of the new year is always tough. I'm eased along, though, by hearing Giles say, "Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Previouslys just aren't previouslys without Giles. Warren toasts Tara. She falls to the ground (which looks pretty funny in rewind). Willow flays Warren, and the effect still manages to be shocking. I think it's the way his flayed torso glistens. Pilgrim-top Anya tells Buffy that Willow's bent on destroying the world. Willow sobs in Xander's arms, and he says he loves her. I sniffle, but tell the cat, who looks at me funny, that she got dander in my eye. Buffy wants to live for Dawn, but we're pretending that never happened. Spike wants to be made what he was. Deep-Throaty Demon zaps him a soul.
Minarets at night. Swirly music. Caption reads, "Istanbul." The camera pans down over the cityscape and into an ancient-looking street. A young woman with long dark hair races towards the camera, looking over her shoulder as she runs. I thought for a second it was Willow, perhaps on the run from some nasty witch-hunters or a crowd of TWoPpers angry about "Wrecked," but a close-up of the girl's face proves that she's a stranger to us. Is she a new Slayer? I hope so! I'm sick of all the old ones. Uh oh, two figures in black cloaks chase the girl. Are those monks? Bad things happen on this show when monks get involved. The Istanbul street is a nice set; I wonder if they borrowed it from another show or if we'll see it again later this season. The girl runs, and if you're slo-moing through the scene, there's a nice close-up of her bouncing cleavage. ["I really like her shirt -- both the color and the tear-drop neckline with the little ribbon tie. Maybe the new wardrobe mistress this season knows her stuff." -- Ace] An old man peers out his door, but slams it shut as the girl runs by. She tries to escape by climbing a drain pipe, clambering quickly up to the roof.
Lessons
“ Buffy sits nearby and declares, 'It's about power. Who's got it. Who knows how to use it.' Can I play? Power. Last season Marti Noxon had it. She certainly wasn't one of the ones who knew how to use it. Right, Buffy sensei? ”
Ace: I'm not sure about that lamp. It's seems to say "Home Depot" rather than "Istanbul."
Sep: I wouldn't know. Everything I know about Istanbul I learned from They Might Be Giants. You're right that it doesn't look really exotic, though.
Ace: Oh, I'm not getting bogged down in the need for facts. I've never been to Istanbul. I think the most exotic place I've ever been is Morocco.
Sep: That's just because you've never been to Bristol.
Ace: Heh. No, but I've been to Manchester -- does that count? Morocco is the one place I've been where I thought, "I will never understand this country if I lived here for a thousand years." And that's including Japan.
Sep: Yeah! That's how I felt pounding the pavement of Fishponds high street. They do things with baked beans there I've never seen before and have nightmares about seeing again.
Ace: Uh. Maybe you want to finish the recap now?
Sep: Ace, if you continue to start your sentences with "uh" or "um," I'm going to have to ban you.
Once on the roof, however, Mysterious Young Woman runs into another one of the robed figures, who pushes her off onto the ground. Ooof! She chose the wrong day to forget her jet-rocket back-pack. One of the black robed figures holds her down, and as the girl's eyes widen in horror, the other robed figure swings a curved knife.
With a smashing noise, we cut to a vampire digging himself out of his grave. Buffy sits nearby and declares, "It's about power. Who's got it. Who knows how to use it." Can I play? Power. Last season Marti Noxon had it. She certainly wasn't one of the ones who knew how to use it. Right, Buffy sensei? Cool; time for a Krispy Kreme. Especially since I've discovered that I have the power to stuff my maw with donuts and yet still fit into the same jeans. I've had a donut every day since March. You think that's hyperbole. It's not. I have references. The camera pans quickly to Dawn as Buffy tosses her a stake. Buffy asks who has the power, and Dawn suggests that she has the stake. "The stake is not the power," corrects Buffy. The vampire, still buried up to his chest, wiggles about a little and looks confused. The stake would seem to be the power right about now. "He doesn't have his strength," counters Dawn, gesturing to the vaguely wiggling vamp. "He might not know all those fancy martial arts skills they inevitably seem to pick up." "Who's got the power?" asks Buffy again, and Dawn flounces a little -- they've obviously been over this before -- but answers, "He does." Buffy stands up and tells Dawn to never forget it; no matter how prepared, Dawn's still a little girl. "Woman," correct Dawn. "Little woman," Buffy quickly agrees. "I'm taller than you," little-sisters Dawn, but Buffy won't be sidetracked. She starts to rant about "preternaturally strong" vampires but is interrupted by our buddy, who still hasn't managed to get out of the ground. "Excuse me," he butts in, "I think I'm stuck." He's more chatty than most newbie vamps. His foot is caught on a root, and he asks Dawn and Buffy for a hand out of his grave. Dawn mocks the idea that this lamer vamp holds the power, and Buffy tells her, "Zip it." Zip it! Zip it! Zip it! www.ZIPIT.com! Oh, god, Buffy, we could have used hearing that out of your mouth a lot more during Season Six. But we'll take what we can get, I guess.
Lessons
Buffy hauls the vampire out one-handed, and he thanks her, but then attempts to segue into villain-speak. "That was a help, but unfortunately that was the last--" Buffy grabs him by the neck, and he chokes out, "Thing you'll ever do." Buffy informs the vamp that she's the Slayer, and tells him to go for Dawn instead. Vampires being suggestible creatures, he complies and rushes Dawn, who flips him over with a sort of aikido or judo move. Buffy's pretty impressed, but that only lasts a second, because Dawn misses the vamp's heart with the stake and ends up with him chomping on her neck. Buffy grabs the vamp from behind, and after a quick fight ["which would have been better without all the epileptic editing" --Ace"] she chops off his head. Dawn cowers at the base of a tree, holding her neck, as Buffy continues the lecture. "It's real. That's the only lesson, Dawn. It's always real." Except Season Six. That was just a really bad dream. Dawn snots that she had a plan the whole time, a plan to get turned into a vampire and come back to bite Buffy. Buffy reminds her that she requested training. They quibble, but then share warm fuzzies when Buffy praises Dawn's performance. That's not sufficient sharing, it seems, because then they feel compelled to share a bunch of dialogue about the Big Bad that's coming. Dawn can't believe it's back, and Buffy says, "I thought I was long past it." "Just a few more days 'til it starts," she continues, "and then we'll never know what's coming ." Oh, that wacky, contrived misleading dialogue -- it gets me every time, because I have never ever in my life watched television before.
Cut to a daylight scene. Big fake scissors to a red ribbon. As he cuts the ribbon, a nice-looking man in a suit triumphantly declares, "It is my great pleasure and privilege to announce the official opening, on the very ground that it first stood upon, of the brand-new, state-of-the-art Sunnydale High!" Applause from the crowd.
Season Seven credits. A random sampling: Mostly familiar shots of Sarah Michelle; the mummy hand has second billing with quite a long appearance; an unfamiliar-looking troll-thing; Nick Brendon looks into the orb from "Hell's Bells"; new shots of Nick in a hard hat, and sitting in the Summers living room wearing a suit; nice shots of Emma smiling prettily, roller-skating, swinging a bat, and dancing; the stuck vamp from the teaser, and Buffy decapitating him; Michelle, in a tight pink tank top, gestures emphatically; Spike stares into the camera; subway Spike, fighting-for-a-soul Spike, Randy Giles Spike; Alyson gets the final "and Alyson Hannigan as Willow" billing; what I hope is this-season Willow looking very pretty with long hair; and my favorite shot of all, the scream from "Tabula Rasa."
“ Giles strides under the canopy of a large tree as the credits inform us that he's a special guest star. I think Joss Whedon needs to do whatever it takes, up to and including selling his soul to the Devil (the real Devil, though, not Marti Noxon, because he already tried that and it didn't work), to get Anthony Stewart Head back to a status where he appears in the credits. ”
A pastoral meadow and a horse snorting. We see a greatcoat-attired Giles apparently riding in from the set of Firefly on a piebald horse, and the words, "Westbury, England" appear. This must be part of the Firefly promotion. "Watch Firefly and remember Giles. Then maybe you'll like us." I was going to say nice things about the new composer based on the music in the Istanbul scene, but he's losing points for the sappy woodwind tootling here. Giles strides under the canopy of a large tree as the credits inform us that he's a special guest star. I think Joss Whedon needs to do whatever it takes, up to and including selling his soul to the Devil (the real Devil, though, not Marti Noxon, because he already tried that and it didn't work), to get Anthony Stewart Head back to a status where he appears in the credits. Giles circles the tree and seems a little surprised to find Willow sitting there. Pensive piano joins the jaunty-yet-mournful woodwinds as Willow conjures up a CGI passionflower from the grass in front of her. "That doesn't belong there," Giles tells Willow with a bit of concern. She glumly agrees that it doesn't. Giles identifies the flower as a "native of Paraguay," and Willow smiles a little as she asks him, "Is there anything you don't know everything about?" "Synchronized swimming," nods Giles. "Complete mystery to me." He crouches to Willow (showing off his riding boots) and asks Willow, "Who brought it through the Earth?" He's talking to her a bit like she's an extremely damaged and jumpy puppy; I get the impression that it must have taken enormous effort even to get her to a state where they could converse like this. Willow doesn't really admit that she imported the flower, but instead rambles about how "everything's connected." "You sound like Miss Hartness," smiles Giles, and asks Willow why she's skipping her lesson with said Miss Hartness. Willow apologizes and then confesses that, although she admires the witches of the coven and is grateful for all the help they've given her, she feels that they look at her as if they're terrified of what she might do. Guilty conscience, Will? Giles considers this and explains that the coven is cautious. Willow demurs; she doesn't think she "has that much power," which to me says she needs, like, five years in therapy! Giles tells Willow she's "connected to a greater power," whether she feels it or not.
Getting up, Willow huffs that she wishes they'd taken her power away. The passionflower sinks back into the ground. "You know we can't," explains Giles. "It isn't a hobby or an addiction. It's inside, you know, this magic." Okay, on the one hand, thank you, Giles! Of course it's not an addiction. That's what Ace and I were saying all last season. On the other hand, huh?! If it's not an addiction, what the hell were we watching with the physical withdrawal and the sage-stealing and everything last year? Or does he mean that now it's not an addiction, but it was in the past? Or that she has a different sort of magic at present? Gah. This is a great dilemma for a recapper: do I just accept the retcon that puts everything the way I want it, or do I express disgust at one single line obliterating everything I had to sit through last season? It's a hard call. Giles hurries after Willow, who wants to know if the coven will always be afraid of her. She feels she deserves worse than that. "I killed people, Giles." "People"? Is she counting Rack along with Warren? Giles tells her he hasn't forgotten. Willow confesses that when he first brought her to England, she thought it was to lock her away or torture her. Torture her? Pshaw. That's either the guilty conscience or the remnants of dark Willow speaking. "Instead you go all Dumbledore on me," she continues. "I'm learning about magic. All about energy and Gaia and root systems." She shrugs, and Giles considers her. "Do you want to be punished?" he asks quietly, and a million Giles-spanking-Willow fan-fics are born. ["Dude, forget the fan fic. I want to be punished, and if raising a evil, phallic temple is all it takes to get that sort of attention from Giles, I'm so there." -- Ace] ["The line starts behind me, sister." -- Sars] Willow sniffles, "I wanna be Willow," and blinks away some tears. Giles assures her that she is and always will be.
Lessons
Xander, in a smart suit, steps out of a new silver car. Hey, that makes sense, since Willow smooshed his old one in "Grave." He probably bought this one with the insurance and whatever raise he got that also helped pay for that suit. Xander buttons his suit coat and heads for the Summers' front door. Buffy spots him out the window and calls upstairs to Dawn. Ugh. Forget whatever compliments I gave to the new wardrobe mistress, because Buffy's outfit is hurting my eyes. She has a white, drapey, cinchy, ruffly shirt-garment that looks to be made out of 100 percent silky polyester, paired with unflattering putty-colored low-rise pants with a strange broad waistband. They're not unflattering in the sense that they make her look fat, but rather in the sense that they look like a pair of adult diapers. Buffy reminds Dawn that she must eat, and then she and Xander head into the kitchen. There's some chitchat about Buffy being nervous about Dawn attending Sunnydale High for the three years. Xander says he brought something to reassure her, and they head back into the dining room to look at the blueprints he has with him. As he unrolls them, Dawn swings by and compliments, "Check out double-o Xander!" Dawn's wearing a black turtleneck sweater with an unattractive argyle pattern. I can accept that she might be trying to cover up her vampire bites, but that ugly-ass sweater looks just like something popular during the 1950s fashion revival when I was in junior high. ["Were the '50s popular when everyone was in junior high? Because I'm older than Sep, but we went through the whole poodle skirts, argyle socks, and polka-dot-dresses horror at my junior high too." --Ace] As he and Buffy look at the documents, Xander expositions that he has two crews on campus, one finishing the science building and the other working on the gym. He assures Buffy that the school contains "no pentagrams, no secret passageways." I love Xander, but five bucks says we see a pentagram or a secret passageway in the school before the end of this episode. No takers, huh? Xander says the school is "safe as houses." Hey, I remember that Stiff Little Fingers song! Xander has found one "interesting detail," however. He uses the window as an impromptu light table, holding up the new school's plans over the old. Turns out that the Hellmouth, which used to be under Giles's library, now sits under the principal's office. "So the principal's evil?" asks Dawn, not without good cause. "Or in a boatload of danger," perks Buffy, and Xander reminds those of us not up on the mythos that the "last two principals were eaten." They're all ready to take Dawn to school, but first Buffy wants to give her a back-to-school gift. "It's a weapon, isn't it?" grins Dawn, and Buffy agrees that it is. As Dawn opens the box, we cut to
Lessons
“ Buffy looks around. Suddenly a zombie-man appears right to her, screaming, 'Get out! Get out! Get out!' Oh, c'mon. Is that not the biggest shout-out ever? It would have been just that much better if he'd been yelling it at Dawn. ”
the entrance of the new Sunnydale High. Xander pulls up and lets Buffy and Dawn out, telling them he'll be around the construction site all day. Buffy and Dawn walk towards the school, and Buffy looks about suspiciously. Buffy decides to give Dawn some final advice, which in any normal town would be strategies for avoiding getting trash-canned or swirlied, but considering where they live consists of things like staying away from hyenas, athletes, and invisible people. All good points for everyday life, but Buffy is not making even the smallest attempt to be discreet in public. "I don't really think it's fair for you to try to scare me on my first day of high school," teases Dawn, "because it is so redundant." They continue walking, and Buffy grouses, "This place is evil." Way to keep the cover, secret-identity girl. "It's tough to let them go, huh?" chuckles a voice behind Buffy, and she and Dawn spin around in surprise. We see the ribbon-cutting guy from the teaser, who introduces himself as "Robin Wood, the new principal." Robin Wood? Oh, wow. There are so many places I could go with that. Most of which have already been explored on the boards, where Mr. (cough) Wood has made very good impression. Buffy introduces herself and Dawn and then tells Principal Wood she was expecting him to be more "aged." He laughs and smoothly replies, "You seem very young to have such a grown-up daughter." Buffy is totally flustered by this, insisting that Dawn is her sister and fluttering about her hair being "mom hair." As she dithers, Principal Wood admits that he actually has heard of Buffy, and then excuses himself to go deaden young minds. Hee. He's smoothly amusing. Dawn spots the opportunity to finally make her escape from Buffy's overly concerned clutches and hurries off, calling back, "Bye. I know. You never know what's coming. The stake is not the power. To Serve Man is a cookbook. I love you. Go away!" Dawn hurries off in a swirl of hair.
Buffy does not comply with Dawn's final command and instead wanders the halls of the school as the bell rings and the stragglers rush to class. She peers about and paces the shiny linoleum. She's startled by a basketball smacking into some lockers near her, and sees someone catch the ball. The halls are now empty as Buffy rounds the corner in search of the suspicious ball-bouncer. Heh -- I think that's the name of the male strip club near my house. She just manages to catch sight of a kid in a baggy denim coat and jeans vanishing around another corner. Suspenseful music plays. I'm not so convinced. Buffy rounds the corner, but the kid is gone. She walks past a basement access door. Xander's non-existent secret passageway? Check! Sing with me: Hey, daddy-o, I don't wanna go, down to the basement, there's somethin' down there. Heh.
Dawn sits in the back of a classroom full of students chatting or fiddling with their books. Her teacher says he's going to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves. As he's deciding where to start, we cut to Buffy, still snooping around where she doesn't belong. She enters a girls' restroom and smoothes her hair, sulking about being mistaken for a mom. She reaches down to wash her hands and finds a little bundle of sticks and feathers to the sink. The music tells us this is scary and actually manages to be convincing, unlike anything Wanker ever managed to come up with. The camera pans back up to the mirror, and we see a zombie girl now standing behind Buffy. "You can't protect her. You couldn't protect me," grits out zombie-girl. Couldn't protect her from the fashion nightmare that is her bright turquoise peasant shirt, I think. Buffy turns away from the mirror, but the girl is gone. Buffy looks around. Suddenly a zombie-man appears right to her, screaming, "Get out! Get out! Get out!" Oh, c'mon. Is that not the biggest shout-out ever? It would have been just that much better if he'd been yelling it at Dawn. He scares the crap outta Buffy, who cowers in the corner with her head down. Is the Buffybot taking Dawn to school again?
“ 'We have to go. It's not safe!' Buffy blurts out, and then stutters to a halt in front of the staring class. 'Can I help you?' asks the teacher, leaving off but implying the 'you sad, crazy, inappropriate person.' ”
James Marsters wants us to watch Haunted, but I consider it my moral obligation to avoid anything starring former cast-member of Party of Five.
Dawn is standing up in her classroom, introducing herself as someone who loves to dance; she does a snarky little riff on Britney Spears. Oh yeah, Dawn's so cutting edge and pop-culture critical. She's really into Avril, y'all, 'cause Avril is punk. The class laughs at the Britney spearing, and Dawn is winding up her first successful moment in high school when Buffy comes galloping into the classroom. "We have to go. It's not safe!" Buffy blurts out, and then stutters to a halt in front of the staring class. "Can I help you?" asks the teacher, leaving off but implying the "you sad, crazy, inappropriate person." Buffy lamely explains that she thought Dawn was "in danger ofumsmoking," and Dawn looks dreadfully humiliated. Buffy leaves, and the whole class turns to stare at Dawn. "I also have a sister," she says ruefully.
Espresso Pump. A talent-free duo warbles annoyingly, "You are a miracle." Oh, that's a cheap trick -- putting them in a scene with Hallie and Anya just to drum up sympathy for the demons. The camera pans to reveal said demons, sitting nearby. Halfrek rolls her eyes. "Oh, who are they kidding with that happy, shiny crap?" Snerf. Should I take that as a meta-statement about Season Seven's shiny, happy demeanor so far? Anya, looking drawn and miserable with her new brunette hair and wearing a nightmare Victorian, high-collared, lace-flounced shirt, says the female singer will be calling on her for vengeance in "six weeks tops." Hallie mocks Anya's vengeance and tells her that all the other justice demons call Anya "Miss Soft Serve." Mmmm, the chocolate dip kind? Because that's my favorite. Anya's all wounded ignorance, and Hallie expresses surprise that Anya doesn't know about the talk behind her back. Hallie admits that she's been competitive with Anya in the past ("that thing in the Crimean War"), but that she always used to look up to Anya. "You were the single most hard-core vengeance demon on the roster and everybody knew it." Anya pouts and peers at Hallie from behind her floppy bangs. Hallie continues, talking about how Anya lost her powers and fell for Xander, which Anya says was a "glitch" and a "summer thing." She claims to be "back in the vengeance fold." Hallie is not convinced. "No deaths. No eviscerations. You're not goading women into anything inventive and you're not delivering when it is." Anya's all shaking her head, but Hallie continues, "That waitress downtown, wished her husband was a frog? You made him French!" Hee! Hallie continues that D'Hoffryn and the "lower beings" are all "feeling the heat" and "something's rising. Something older than old." Hey, didn't we do that already with Glory? Hallie continues that it's a "bad time to be a good guy." All in a huff, Anya wants to know if she's undergoing an intervention and if so, where the rest of her "demon friends" are. Hallie implies that she's the only one Anya's got.
Sunnydale High science building. Xander surveys blueprints and dishes out instructions to his crew. He's happy to see Buffy when she hurries up and asks how the school looks, fishing for compliments. Buffy has none to give, however, saying that the school is great "if you're a zombie ghost thing." I feel like I've typed the word "thing" in a lot of dialogue so far in this recap. Shouldn't writers, I dunno, know the proper words for "things"? Xander takes Buffy seriously (which is a nice change), and they step aside to discuss the "dead and pissed" entities that attacked Buffy in the bathroom. Xander asks if there was damage, and Buffy admits that Dawn's social life was the only casualty so far. Buffy then theorizes that the school being rebuilt is significant.
Lessons
“ A large portion of the floor caves in directly underneath them. Dawn dies, and all the after-market monk memories are forgotten. Everyone (except for the three people in the world who like Dawn) lives happily ever after. ”
We cut to Dawn, brooding in class about her loser sister. The guy to her asks for a pencil. She takes one out and hands it to him, but he's now a zombie guy and makes to stab her in the eye with it. Dawn screams and throws herself out of her chair, clutching at her eye. She rolls on the floor, and the teacher rushes over. Dawn realizes that she hasn't been damaged in any way, and apologizes for disturbing the class. She claims that a bee flew in her eye. "I'm very allergic." It seems like a pretty good lie, but the teacher doesn't quite buy it. The whole class stares at Dawn, who asks if she can go to the bathroom. She hurries out, and one guy whispers to another, "Guess it runs in the family." Does that mean Dawn told the class that her sister was crazy after Buffy burst in? I would've.
Dawn enters the same bathroom where Buffy was attacked. She locks herself into a stall, but then hears someone sobbing. Dawn very slowly stands up and exits her stall. She peers along the floor for feet, but doesn't see any.
Buffy hurries along a miscellaneous hall in the school and runs straight into Principal Wood. "You know, I thought in general it was customary for a person who has graduated to, um, you know, go somewhere else," he snarks. His sarcastic attitude seems to make Buffy suspicious. She coldly says that she was just getting to know the new campus. Principal Wood smiles.
Dawn's still in the bathroom, swinging stalls open. She finds the crying girl, who's the girl dressed in black whom we saw earlier when Buffy and Dawn arrived at school. Dawn asks Crying Girl what's wrong; Crying Girl replies that there's someone in the bathroom. Dawn looks around the empty room, but Crying Girl insists that someone else is there.
The camera circles the principal, who admits that he knows more about Buffy than he "let on before." "Isn't that interesting," sasses Buffy. "Oh, it really is," the principal sasses right back.
Dawn coaxes Crying Girl out of the stall and introduces herself. Crying Girl, who has purple streaks in her dark hair, says her name is Kit. "Saw something pretty creepy, huh?" inquires Dawn, and when Kit replies that Dawn wouldn't believe her, Dawn says that she thinks she would. As Dawn talks, her eye wanders to the mirror, where we see the angry zombie-folk reflected. The fluorescent lights in the room start to flash and explode, and as Dawn and Kit run to escape, zombie hands burst up through the floor and drag them down. A large portion of the floor caves in directly underneath them. Dawn dies, and all the after-market monk memories are forgotten. Everyone (except for the three people in the world who like Dawn) lives happily ever after.
Lessons
We return from commercial to zoom in on a panic-attack-ridden Willow. She's writhing on the ground in England, not far from where I spent a good portion of my summer, and boy, am I bitter about that. After I found out that this was filmed a mere fourteen miles away during the time I was there, I almost vowed from that day forward to be as spoiled as spoiled can be so that such a tragic occurrence could never happen again. Fourteen miles to Giles! That's a mere 8,300 roundabouts! (That joke kills in the ex-pat crowd. Trust me.) Giles holds Willow, counseling her to breathe slowly. Would that I could be so lucky. And I probably could have! Damn! Willow pants and then flinches suddenly as her palms touch the grass. Apparently, not everything in the earth is "good and pure and rootsy." Thanks for the newsflash, there. Willow seems awfully surprised by this information for someone who went to Hellmouth High. Magick drugs really do fry your brain. Anyway, the whole point of this scene is for Willow to ominously warn Giles that the Hellmouth is going to open at some point this season.
Pan down down down down to the basement, where Dawn and Kit have fallen. I guess the fall didn't kill them after all. Well, on the bright side, at least y'all still know what to get me for Christmas. Dawn dusts herself off, and the girls go in search of some stairs.
Hallway. Buffy's still hanging around the campus. Principal Wood is still tormenting Buffy by telling her that the school board recommended he take a gander at her file. Aren't those things sealed or something after you graduate? Whatever. I'm not paid to be an authority on permanent record protocol, so I'll just let that slide. Buffy has forgotten that once you've escaped high school, the principal is unable to intimidate you ever again, and she agitatedly protests that her past is more "plaid" than checkered.
Kit and Dawn are still searching for an exit. Suddenly, Dawn gives her first patented ear-shattering scream of the season as we run into Carlos, a kid who went down to the basement to smoke but then was accosted by creepy dead people. That happens more than you might think. On cue, a creepy dead person shows up to harass them: "Do you really think you can run away?" They back away. "I tried to run too," interjects another zombie kid from behind them. Ruh roh! They're surrounded on all sides. Dawn quickly remembers that Buffy gave her a present this morning. "What is it?" asks Kit. "A weapon," snaps Dawn as she whips out her new cell phone.
Lessons
“ time wear shoes you can run or at least stride purposefully in, Buffy. The whole half jog, flapping your arms for balance thing isn't going to convince anyone that you're up to contending with anything more daunting than a hangnail. ”
Hallway. Buffy has changed tactics and decided to play up her troubled past in an attempt to convince Principal Wood to expel Dawn. Jeez, Buffy, if you're so darn concerned, enroll Dawn at another high school. Better yet, send her to boarding school in England. ["That's kind of hard cheese on Giles, though, wouldn't you say?" -- Sars] However, this principal is one of those woolly-headed liberal educators who believes in giving kids chances. They're interrupted by the trill of Buffy's cell phone. Principal is a bit miffed that Buffy takes the call, since cell phones are verboten on campus. Buffy asides to the Principal, "Sorry! My dog! Walker." Who must be out walking that dog Buffy won in a truth-telling contest two towns over. I suppose it's better than admitting that your sister is trapped in the basement being accosted by zombie spirit things. Principals these days have all heard that old chestnut before. They never fall for it. "Really dead?" whispers Buffy into the mouthpiece. Principal Wood overhears this snippet and expresses concern. Cut to the basement. "And Buffy?" says Dawn. "Isn't this reception amazing? I'm in the freakin' basement." Well, they obviously don't have my wireless provider, which only seems to provide reception to customers over three stories tall. Buffy makes her apologies and beats a hasty retreat. Which is sort of ruined by the sight of SMG in the background, tottering off on her high heels and looking for all the world like a little pat of butter in that unfortunate milkfat-colored outfit. It really takes me out of the moment. time wear shoes you can run or at least stride purposefully in, Buffy. The whole half jog, flapping your arms for balance thing isn't going to convince anyone that you're up to contending with anything more daunting than a hangnail.
Cut back to Shiny and the Whiners in the basement. Dawn tells her gang that help is near. She looks around, wondering where the zombie things got off to, and I guess they all must be incredibly far-sighted, because from the angle at which a zombie hand snakes upwards to choke Dawn, he must have been standing literally right under her nose.
Buffy barges through the door to the bathroom and stops short of tumbling down the big hole, opting instead for a controlled jump. She somehow does this without spraining or breaking her ankle on the stress of landing. Probably because she wasn't in free fall at all, but assisted by a wire. Very, very obviously assisted. What passes for creepy music these days tinkles on in the background as Buffy sloooooowly looks around and calls out for Dawn. Buffy has the presence of mind to dial Dawn on her phone and listen for the ringing. "Dawn, I'm close by," she says. "Too late," answers the disembodied voice of one of the zombie things. "You're always too late. Sure as hell didn't save me." Buffy rounds a corner to come face to rotting face with the janitor zombie spirit thing. Buffy makes it clear that she doesn't have time to sit and chew the fat with any dead people. She's focused on protecting the living. Particularly those related to her. She demands to know where Dawn is, but the zombie things, which have converged on Buffy, are less than helpful. She attempts to reason with them, pointing out to embittered and revenge-driven zombies that she's more at fault for their deaths than Dawn. They're all blah blah, my last moments were horrible torment thanks to you, but Buffy simply makes the time-out gesture and asks curtly, "Where is my sister!" Again, they're not very helpful, but Buffy spies a door behind the trio and decides that if they don't want her to get there, that's probably exactly where she wants to be. Buffy leaps up into the air and somersaults over their heads. Damn, I hate the gymnastics-driven stunts these days. They're lame and look fake as hell. The zombies manage to grab hold of her again, but she breaks free and makes a dash for the door, just as it bursts open to reveal Spike. He's obviously been living a tormented existence lately. His peroxide job has gone to hell, and a good two inches of brown roots are showing. Buffy gapes at him until the commercials intervene.
Lessons
“ Zombie Girl says that they'll be there for them forever. 'Why do you think we picked you?' she spits. 'The ones no one will ever miss.' Huh. So she's seen Season Six, then. ”
"Spike?" says Buffy, softly and unsurely. I can't blame her. It looks like James showed up three hours late to the set and was shoved in front of the camera without going through wardrobe and make-up first. He also picked up quite a tan in Africa. Which either means that Spike is now human, or that nobody is in charge of continuity. Choose your poison. Spike giggles madly at Buffy's question, "Are you real?" He puts his hand on her cheek and quietly says, "Buffy, duck." Buffy is confused, thinking from his tone and general insane demeanor that there's a duck somewhere in the room. So it's quite a surprise to her when she's brained by a lead pipe. The janitor raises the pipe for another blow as Spike retreats into the shadows. Fight, fight. Buffy makes her way through the door and bolts it shut. "They'll probably show up in a sec," asides Buffy. "Nobody comes in here," mutters Spike. "It's just the three of us." Buffy asks Spike if he's seen Dawn, but is surprised at the outburst this occasions. He's not making much sense, saying things like, "I dropped my board in the water and the chalk all ran. Sure to be caned." So. Spike got Dru's soul? Glad to have that cleared up. Buffy slowly advances on Spike. He wraps his unbuttoned shirt tightly around him, but she reaches out to brush it aside, revealing a mass of deep, dark scars directly over his heart. "I tried to cut it out," he explains. Buffy looks directly into his eyes, but her attention is diverted by the chirping of her phone. It's Dawn again, wondering why Mom is so late picking her up from her playdate with her zombie friends. Dawn gives Buffy an approximation of her location, and Buffy tries to puzzle out if they are ghosts or zombies or what while Spike sits huddled and muttering in the background. Then Spike has a semi-lucid moment and contributes, "Manifest spirits controlled by a talisman. Raised to seek vengeance. A four-year-old could've figured it." Yeah but only a four-year-old enrolled at the Happy Hellmouth Fun-Time Play Center. Which, to be fair, is probably every four-year-old in Sunnydale. Also, "Manifest spirits controlled by a talisman raised to seek vengeance" is waaaay too much to type. I'm sticking with zombie spirit things. Buffy advises Dawn to find a weapon and be prepared to use it. Then she Spike if he's going to help, but he's obviously a leeeetle too crazy for that. Buffy slowly walks around the basement, going over the clues in her head. She whips out her phone again, this time to make a call to Xander. I hope she got free mobile-to-mobile calling, or else that bill is quickly going to overwhelm a Doublemeat salary. Dawn directs her minions to arm themselves. Carlos finds a couple of bricks. Dawn isn't too impressed by this, but I can't see why. Getting hit in the head with a brick freakin' hurts. In fact, I'm surprised Shiny McWhiny doesn't know that from experience. ["I'd be happy to help her learn." -- Ace] However, it appears that Dawn actually has a better use for those bricks. She orders Kit to dump out the contents of her bag, and conceals the bricks inside. Clever girl. Kit wonders if the zombie things will come back. On cue, Zombie Girl says that they'll be there for them forever. "Why do you think we picked you?" she spits. "The ones no one will ever miss." Huh. So she's seen Season Six, then. Dawn rushes forward and beans Zombie Girl in the knee. Zombie Janitor whacks at Dawn while Kit stands there, arms folded, more in boredom than fear.
Lessons
“ Ah, it's Dru. She reminds Spike that he'll always be 'in the dark with [her] singing our little songs.' I'm momentarily distracted by what those little songs might be. I can kinda see Spike riffing on the Ramones -- 'twenny twenny twenny four hours to go. I'm gonna eat the Slayer' -- but that's not really Dru's taste. ”
This time it's Xander's turn to burst into the bathroom. He too stops short of falling into the big gaping hole. He's pretty excited about it, sure that it means "contract-y goodness" for his crew. He makes his way to the sink to look for the talisman. I just have to say that the show's practice of adding a "-y" suffix to everything has completely ruined my ability to speak English properly. This summer, when Britboy accused me of beinglet's just say "differently correct" about something, I snapped back with an indignant "I'm not errorful! I'm wisdomy!" Since then, it's been a running joke between us. To the point where I'm suspicious of any words ending in "-ful" or "-y." When writing a paper last week, I actually had to spend the better part of a minute puzzling out if "helpful" or "helpy" was correct. And although "helpful" is correct, I still think that "helpy" is funner. Certainly funner than realer words.
Basement. Dawn is on the floor, struggling to free herself from the grasp of the janitor zombie spirit thing, when Buffy arrives on the scene to start kicking some ass. Buffy tells Dawn that they need to keep the zombies "at bay." She whirls Dawn's makeshift weapon, which was really a clever theory, but in execution looks exceedingly stupid. And this is television, so I think I'm correct in expecting that stuff to look cool. Buffy looks like an unbalanced, whirling, dairy-fat dervish. (Bad, bad outfit.)
Meanwhile, as Buffy gets down with her bad pat-of-butter self, Xander crawls along the floor of the bathroom in search of the talisman. He finds it under the sink. Right before he can destroy it, he's set upon by Zombie Girl, whose preferred mode of attack seems to be of the "gimmie a piggyback ride RIGHT NOW" variety. Xander struggles to crush the talisman, and as soon as he succeeds, the zombies disappear. Buffy leads the troops to find an exit.
Upstairs, she gives Shiny and the Whiners some last-minute advice. Kit hugs Buffy, but Carlos quickly puts his foot in it by saying, "You are the coolest mom ever." Dawn springs into action, giving Buffy a quick kiss on the cheek and leading her band of misfits away. On cue, Principal Wood appears on the scene. Doesn't this guy have an office? The one on the Hellmouth, for instance? He notes that he observed Buffy getting Kit and Carlos to actually attend class. Principal Wood surprises Buffy by offering her a job as the school's new community outreach person non-counselorthingy. Buffy's face lights up, and she readily accepts. He wants to make sure that she heard the bit about the payment not even being enough money to fold, but she assures him that she'll work it into her schedule.
Cut to Spike, hugging himself on the ground and mumbling. 'Cause he's a big crazy. He's fretting a "she" that "won't understand." Suddenly Warren walks into the frame, saying, "Of course she won't understand. I'm beyond her understandingI'm more than that. More than flesh." Warren morphs into Glory. Hold up! Warren is Glory? I thought Ben was Glory. Glory continues the mysterious exposition, but in her own style, saying, "I don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me." Glory morphs into Adam. Adam is still boring, and therefore doesn't get recapped. Adam leans down and transmutates into the Mayor. "So what'd you think? You'd get your soul back and everything will be jim-dandy?" The Mayor reminds Spike that a soul is more slippery than "a greased weasel," and that's why Mayor Wilkins sold his. At this point, I'm wondering who will represent evil from Season Two. Angel has his own show now and is therefore too important to be part of Spike's psychosis. Ah, it's Dru. She reminds Spike that he'll always be "in the dark with [her] singing our little songs." I'm momentarily distracted by what those little songs might be. I can kinda see Spike riffing on the Ramones -- "twenny twenny twenny four hours to go. I'm gonna eat the Slayer" -- but that's not really Dru's taste. The Master is in the line-up to tell us that we're going "right back to the beginning. The true beginning." He warns that we're all "going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You'll learn that you're a pathetic schmuck." Hee! Someone is speaking my language. "It's not about right. It's not about wrong." Pan up on a black-clad Buffy, who finishes, "It's about power." Ooh. This might be interesting.