Grave

Giles and Buffy are in the training room. He expositions that a coven in Devon, England, "sensed the rise" of a "dark force fueled by grief" in Sunnydale. Did they sense a great disturbance in the Force, perhaps? Millions of voices crying out from the pain of terrible plot and pacing, and never silenced? The coven then saw the death of Tara and "imbued" Giles with their collective powers. I like Giles's snazzy black-magic-fighting black overcoat with the collar up. He's also working a whole rumpled, spiky-hair thing. Quietly, Giles asks, "Buffy, what's happened here?" Buffy hems and haws a little and then admits that Willow has been abusing magic, but she "barely even noticed." She looks up to the ceiling and then finds the courage to begin her sad litany: "Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya's a vengeance demon again." Giles looks very concerned. Buffy continues, "Dawn's a total klepto. Money's been so tight that I've been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat Palace and -- I've been sleeping with Spike." She looks at Giles, waiting for his reaction; he just stares at her. Buffy shifts nervously under his gaze, and then Giles's face crumples and he bursts into laughter. He covers his mouth with his hand, but can't stop laughing. Buffy looks annoyed, then exasperated, and then she rolls her eyes and starts to laugh too. They laugh and laugh, and it's very infectious, and I can't remember the last time that someone even smiled on this joyless show, so I laugh too.

In the front of the shop, Cruella D'Will telepath-talks to Anya and mind-controls her into removing the binding spell. Even in a binding spell, Willow can't shut the fuck up! Just shut up and be evil, already.

Back in the training room, Giles is stumbling about, hysterical with hilarity, as Buffy, bent over laughing, manages to gasp out the events of "Normal Again." Giles flaps his hand around and giggles, "Duct tape!" Hee. "On their mouths," concurs Buffy. They finally recover from their laughing fit, and Giles changes gears suddenly. "Can you forgive me?" he asks. "I should never have left." You're right! You should never have left! We all needed you, Giles, not just Buffy. Buffy tells him that he was right to have left Sunnydale. Giles feels he abandoned Buffy, but she assures him, "It is time I was an adult." Giles muses that "sometimes the most adult thing you can do is ask for help when you need it," and I'm not sure what he means. Is he remonstrating Buffy for not contacting him in England, or is he talking about himself, or what? Buffy replies (about asking for help), "Now you tell me," but hasn't she learned the lesson over and over and over that she can and should ask for help? Doesn't anything ever sink in with these kids? Buffy admits that she's been struggling for a long time with the feeling that she wasn't "really here." "When I clawed my way out of that grave, I left something behind. A part of me." She doesn't understand why she's no longer dead, why she's "back." Giles lamely suggests, "You have a calling." And a contract. I hope he realized as he said that how useless and insufficient an answer that was. Buffy doesn't agree; she thinks it was her proper time to die. "So why?" she asks, and Giles doesn't have an answer. A quiet moment, and then Buffy asks what the plan is for Willow. Giles says that the coven is "working on a way to extract her powers without killing her." He adds that Buffy must know that even if Willow survives the process, it's possible she'll never be the same person again. Since she's killed someone and been really, really bitchy to her friends. You can't come back from that, you know. Just ask Shannen Doherty. "How will she be able to live with herself?" asks Giles rhetorically. "I wouldn't worry about that," Cruella D'Will sasses from the doorway, where she's holding an unconscious Anya in front of her like a shield. "Willow doesn't live here anymore," she continues, and dumps Anya on the floor. I wish Willow would move back in, because the new resident of her body is an unfunny, crashing bore.

Buffy races towards Willow but gets smacked by an energy bolt. Giles attempts to re-bind Willow, but the spell doesn't take this time. Cruella D'Will snarks, then wiggles her finger to send a collection of knives and throwing stars towards Giles. He blocks the assault with the tackling dummy and then blasts Willow through a wall into the front of the store.

Xander, Dawn, Jonathan, and Andrew walk down a residential street. Dawn wants to know where they're going. Xander doesn't know. He then takes a good wallow in the puddle of angry self-loathing, with some extra splashes of self-pity. He complains that he was just "standing around like a monkey" while Buffy and Tara got shot. Dawn bitches him out for feeling sorry for himself and then adds, "You know, if Spike were here, he'd go back and fight." Shut. Up. Dawn. You insufferable little whiner. "Sure, if he wasn't too busy trying to rape your sister," snaps Xander. Go, Xander! Go, Xander! All this protecting of Poor Widdle Dawn, who then goes around misinterpreting and being all self-righteous in her utter lack of knowledge, has really tired me out and I am so, so happy to see her get a good strong dose of the truth. All the Scoobies were one thousand times more mature than her when they were her age, and I hope this is the kick in the ass she needs to finally do some growing up. Dawn looks shocked and says she doesn't believe it; Xander's like, "Fine. Whatever. Be a moron. See if I care." He's through with her, and so am I. Xander grouses that the only good thing Spike ever did was to leave town, and I'm not even going to give the Blondie Bear points for that. Too little. Too late.

Aw, shit. Another one of these endless, pointless Spike scenes. He's beheaded a few demons and looks a little worse for wear. Sucking in his stomach and his cheeks simultaneously (never let it be said that I don't appreciate James Marsters's consummate sucking abilities), Spike bravados that he's up for another test, and tosses in yet another one of his homophobic quips. All this outrage over Mutant Enemy's killing off a lesbian character, and yet I never hear a peep about Spike's repeated and incessant use of homosexual slurs to denigrate men he doesn't like. If I started calling Xander a big fudge-packer every time he did something I didn't like, I'd never hear the end of it. And yet Spike is still charming and swoony and no, no, not at all homophobic or misogynist.

Anyway, Spike snarls that he wants to give the Slayer "what's coming to her." Your penis, right, Spike? That's what you think she has coming to her, whether she likes it or not. Some dung beetles crawl up Spike's nose, because they know a big, steaming pile of shit when they see it. So all he has to do here is endure some pain? Not much of a challenge when you're immortal. What kind of lame-ass trials are these? Why don't these wish-granting demons ever have tests of say, intelligence, creativity, or ingenuity -- or Trivia Pursuit skills? Killing a bunch of things is hardly a challenge for Spike; he's used to it. Try getting him to patiently parallel park a large car in a small space on a crowded street. That might actually challenge him in some significant way.

Over at Der Zauber Kasten, the joint is wrecked. Everything is smashed to pieces, and a small fire burns. The camera pans past a William Shatner book on the floor. Now I know where Cruella D'Will gets her dark powers! At this point, I smiled to myself, because I was thinking about how much I hate the Magic Box set and how much I hope this means we won't have to see it season. Willow stands in front of the flames and snides, "That all you've got, Jeeves?" I sort of thought that Evil Snarky Willow might be fun, but she's not. She's just annoying and repetitive and one-note. Willow's so very smart and sensitive that I expected better, more sophisticated, snark from her. "Jeeves"? Whatever. Giles stands in front of her, looking drained. Instead of just destroying him at this point, Cruella D'Will talks. And talks. And talks. So much talking. It's a recapper's nightmare. More fighting, please! Is Dark Willow all just an excuse for Willow to flap her gums to her heart's content and force everyone around her to finally listen? Because I think some group therapy might have been an easier path to take. Giles says he's still able to hurt Willow, but she claims that nothing can. They exchange some deep thoughts on the nature of grief. No, actually, they don't. Willow just says that everything means nothing to her, and Giles chides her for thinking that all her remaining friends are meaningless. "I wonder what Tara would say about that," he finishes. I've been wondering when someone would try this approach, and I'm a little disappointed to see that it has no effect. Willow tries to blast Giles, but Buffy pulls him out of the way at the last moment. The mezzanine goes crashing to the floor, just missing Buffy and Giles. Oh, no! More talking. Willow scoops up a ball of flames; she tells Buffy she's going to sic it on Jonathan and "the other one." The fiery ball will find and bury the Dim Duo, along with anyone who's with them. Cruella D'Will talks and talks and talks. She sends the fiery ball out through the roof, and Buffy has to leave Giles and run so that she can save the nerds, as well as Dawn and Xander.

Willow talks and talks and talks. Giles is a hypocrite. Giles is using borrowed magic. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Kill her, Giles. It's the only thing that will shut her up! We see that Cruella D'Will has Giles affixed to the ceiling. She then frees him, and he drops right onto his face. Blah blah. Giles is jealous. She slams him to the ground; blah blah, he's envious of her power. Giles gets slammed around some more, and then he finally blasts her a good one. Willow's rather shocked that he managed to slow her down; Giles, slowly pulling himself up off the floor, explains that Willow's power is draining. She's been expending too much of her mystical energy talking. Cruella D'Will says to Giles, "Blah blah blah," which is exactly what Sep and I have been saying to her for the past few hours. She decides she needs a "pick-me-up" and, slamming her hand to Giles's chest, she sucks out all of his borrowed powers. Willow staggers against the counter and she's all like, "Trippy, dude." Her vision goes blurry, and she blathers on and on and on about how much power she has. SOMEBODY SHUT WILLOW UP! I could find it in my heart to forgive her for killing Warren, but I will never, ever forgive her for subjecting me to this excruciating blather! She's all excited until she realizes she can feel "all the emotion, all the pain" of everyone in the world. All the pain you're causing with your endless yammering, Willow. Plus, whatever. Being a junkie means you feel the world's pain. Nice self-aggrandizement there, Mutant Enemy. Giles tells her she can "stop it," but Willow misinterprets that just a little. She clambers to her feet and says, "I'll make it go away. Oh, you poor bastards. Your suffering has to end!" Yes, please! Does that mean the episode is over now? So, basically, Cruella D'Will feels the entire world's pain and thusly decides to kill everyone. Why didn't Jesus think of that? She teleports outta there. Giles lies on the floor, broken.

Xander, Dawn, Jonathan, and Andrew are in a graveyard. Xander is ow-ow-ow-ing as he tries to kick in a crypt door. Andrew bitches about Xander's plan to hide in the graveyard, and Xander bitches about unappreciative social retards. I will not make a joke about some of the hate mail I receive at my TWoP account. Dawn tries to get Xander's attention so that he notices the fiery comet heading their way. Everyone stands and stares, and then we see Buffy running towards them. She tells everyone to get out of the way and manages to knock the Dim Duo down. The comet slams deep into the ground. Suddenly the ground gives way beneath Dawn, and she falls through a hole into a cave below. Buffy reaches for her and ends up falling in after her. The Dim Duo's swords fall in after Buffy and Dawn. The space they've fallen into has a gravel floor, and tree roots and coffins protrude from the walls. Buffy and Dawn look around. And look. And look. Streeeetch this episode out, guys. Up above, Jonathan and Andrew peer into the hole, look and look, and then notice Xander nearby, knocked unconscious. The Dim Duo decides to make a run for Mexico.

Der Zauber Kasten. Anya has finally regained consciousness, and she wanders out into the store. She spots Giles lying on the floor and runs to his side. She frantically apologizes for freeing Willow. Giles murmurs, "I can see," and Anya, confused, replies, "Oh! It's a -- miracle." Giles clarifies that he can see Cruella D'Will; he knows her location and can sense her plan. Anya tells him he needs to rest; Giles swallows and tells her, "Silly girl. I'm dying." Anya does a double-take and refuses to believe him. I refuse to believe him. If those bastards brought Giles back only to kill him, I won't be responsible for my actions. Mutant Enemy might find an angry Ace out for vengeance on their doorstep. And Angry Ace makes Dark Willow look about as menacing as a tiny, fluffy kitten. Plus, Angry Ace talks less. Giles explains that he thought Willow taking the magic from him would give them a chance. Seems he was wrong, though, because now Willow is ready to finish the world. If that's what it takes for this episode to end, I'm willing to go along with it.

The sun rises. Buffy tries to climb up some roots to get out of the cave she and Dawn have fallen into. Dawn suggests that perhaps they could find a nearby tunnel to Spike's crypt, but Buffy is calling for Xander and totally ignores her sister's suggestion. Then Buffy says Spike's crypt is the last place she wants to be, and Dawn gets into her head-bobbin', hard-voiced mode and sneers, "It was good enough to take me there after what he did to you?" Lay off, Dawn. Buffy realizes that Xander spilled the sexual-assault beans and tells Dawn she wasn't on a need-to-know basis for that information. But y'know what? She was, because she's Buffy's sister and because of her stupid little crush on Spike, so I'm still happy that Xander told her. Dawn insists that she's old enough to hear these things; people are dying, and Buffy really can't protect her from the realities of life in Sunnydale. Buffy is about to say something, but they're interrupted by the newly conscious Xander. He manages to knock some dirt free onto their heads and then says he'll look around for something to help them get out. Suddenly Anya teleports into the cave and exclaims, "Holy frijole!" Can't Anya teleport herself to a hardware store to fetch some rope? Xander comes back to the lip of the hole to hear what she has to say. Buffy demands to know where Giles is; Dawn flounces in time-honored teen fashion when she finds out she wasn't told about Giles's return. Anya explains that Giles wasn't able to stop Willow, and that Willow has for some inexplicable reason decided to end the world using the Satanic temple on Kingman's Bluff. "There's no temple on Kingman's Bluff," says Buffy.

You know nothing, Buffy Summers. Cruella D'Will stands on Kingman's Bluff, which seems to overlook Sunnydale and has a view of the ocean, and watches as a large stone spire magically erupts up through the earth. The Satanic spire erects up and up, accompanied by one of those ominous chanting choirs. The top of the spire is decorated with a pentagram and trident, and on the side it features a large statue of a naked woman sticking her tongue out, surrounded by snakes. The temple, and its thrusting erection through the earth, are incredibly phallic. But I don't consider a mere spire to be much of a temple. Shouldn't a temple have, oh, I don't know -- an interior? This spire might just pass muster as an altar, but it's no temple. My sister, watching with me, suggests that it would have been much cooler if Willow had torn a huge gash in the earth and walked down into a subterranean temple. I have to agree.

Anya chatters on, explaining that the temple was dedicated to some demon goddess, Proserpexa, and her followers were going to use her "effigy" to destroy the world, except that the temple was destroyed "in the big earthquake of '32." 1932? I figured that was the earthquake that trapped the Master too, but The Watcher's Guide Volume II says that one was in 1937. ["Or maybe it's 1837? Doesn't really matter; the writing's still lazy." -- Sars] Some really unimportant blather about Willow channeling the planet's life force through the effigy to destroy the world (like any of us believe at this point that that will actually happen), and then Anya concludes that Giles also told her no supernatural or magic force will be able to stop Willow. Buffy and Dawn are confused. Anya becomes very distressed and says she needs to get back to Giles, because he's alone. Buffy asks if Giles is okay, and Anya vanishes, saying that he "doesn't have a lot of time left." Buffy and Dawn are stunned that they might lose another friend, but Buffy quickly moves back into action-state. She calls out for Xander, who doesn't respond, and when Dawn reminds her that she can't defeat Willow, Buffy insists that she has to try.

We see Willow chanting an incantation in front of Santa's Phallus, and then she tunes into Buffy's thoughts. "Always the Slayer. Right to the last," she muses, and suddenly Buffy can hear her. Cruella D'Will blah blahs about how she's going to save the world and stop the pain by destroying everything. She then says that she doesn't have time to fight Buffy, but that Buffy should go out fighting. "It was me that took you out of the earth," she snidely drones. "Well, now, the earth wants you back." The roots from the walls turn into monsters that approach Buffy and Dawn with their rooty claw hands and say, "Bleh. Bleh."

Buffy fights the rooty monsters and manages to vanquish a few, but more pull out of the walls to take their place. "Bleh. Bleh," say the rooty monsters. Buffy turns to Dawn and solemnly says she needs her help. Music Of Great Importance plays as she hands Dawn one of the swords. I think we're looking at a season eight right there, featuring Dawn the Vampire Slayer and whichever of the other Scoobies haven't found their dignity and fled this sinking ship.

Willow incants more at the effigy (who looks like she's ready for a doctor to check her tonsils) and then sends green energy blobs shooting out of her breasts towards Santa's Phallus. It's a lesbian thing -- you wouldn't understand. Anya sits in the magic shop with Giles's head cradled on her lap. The whole place shakes, and she shelters him from falling debris. Giles is unconscious, and Anya begs him not to die, as she still has things to tell him (tell him you love him!). She thanks him for teleporting to Sunnydale and then adds, "Although in retrospect, it probably would have been better if you hadn't come and given Willow all that magic that made her, like, ten times more powerful." She sniffles.

Willow's boobs shoot more green blobs at Santa's Phallus. Wind swirls all around her and lighting crackles. Suddenly Xander leaps between her and the temple, blocking her green boob bolts. The green blobs of energy turn into floating flakes. "Hey, black-eyed girl. Whatcha doing?" Xander casually asks. Willow tells him to get lost, but he refuses, saying he too has powers. "This carpenter can dry-wall you into the century." Wow, does that mean that Xander wants to lay some wood with Willow? And he's pretty confident about his stamina there -- he gonna dry-wall her for a whole ninety-eight years. She blasts him with a bolt of electricity. He flies backwards and slams into the Phallus. As he falls to the ground, Willow looks slightly guilty.

Der Zauber Kasten. Giles breathes, "There," with a sense of satisfaction. "It's not over," he explains, and takes Anya's hand. Kiss her, you fool! Uh-oh, now I've really outed myself as a Giles/Anya 'shipper.

Dawn and Buffy fight rooty monsters. Dawn handles herself pretty well, and when Buffy looks surprised, she holds her head up and says, "What? You think I never watched you?" Buffy looks proud. It's so nice of the monsters to take a little break to give these sisters a chance to bond and share a moment. That's some Old World charm right there. Right about here, I groan and shake my head, because I am so not looking forward to Dawn the Vampire Dater. But I might tune in to see Spells, Inc.! featuring the romantic couple Rupert Giles and Anya Emerson, or After Dark, the further adventures of Spike, a rent-boy in Rome. More monsters attack. The sisters fight back-to-back.

More boob bolts from Cruella D'Will. Xander clambers up and again blocks the bolts, which flutter into confetti. Willow tells him he can't stop her from destroying the world, but apparently he can, just by standing up. Xander says he understands, but if the world is ending, he wants to be by his best friend's side. "Is this the master plan?" Willow sneers. "You're gonna stop me by telling me you love me?" "Well, I was gonna walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony," Xander replies. He keeps her attention, explaining that he understands she must be in so much pain. And even though he knows she's going to end the world, he still "want[s] to hang." "You're Willow," he explains, and Willow demands, "Don't call me that!"

But Xander has more to say. He launches into a story about how, on the first day of kindergarten, Willow broke a yellow crayon. Shame on her. The problem with youth today is that they don't show a proper respect for molded wax. Anyway, apparently Willow cried and was too afraid to tell anyone about the crayon. As Xander continues, saying he loves "crayon-breaky Willow" and "scary-veiny Willow," Willow shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. She looks very conflicted, but doesn't say anything. Thank you, Xander, for shutting her up! Xander clichs that if she wants to end the world, she has to start with him. Looks like a bit of a miscalculation on his part, because Willow tilts her head as if she's heard a very intriguing notion. "You think I won't?" she asks. Xander tells her it doesn't matter -- he'll still love her. She blasts him with a bolt across the face, but he stands back up and tells her again that he loves her. She blasts him in the chest, and a single tear rolls down her face. He stumbles up and pants, "I love you." "Shut up!" she yells, and tries to hit him again, but her power crackles and has no effect. Did she use it up, or can she just not access it because she's finally feeling human emotion? Xander repeats over and over that he loves her, and walks towards her as she shakes her hands, looking for the power. As he comes close to her, Willow demands, "Stop!" and then begins to beat her fists on his chest. She breaks down into sobs, pummeling him ineffectually. She then drops to her knees, and Xander drops with her. He hugs her close, and Willow sobs. Her hair CGIs back to red.

In the cave with Buffy and Dawn, the rooty monsters vanish into puffs of dust. The sisters look around curiously. Willow sobs in Xander's arms.

At Der Zauber Kasten, Anya sits sadly, with her head in her hands. Then Giles sits up, and Anya excitedly rushes to him, hugging him close (kiss kiss kiss!). She asks why they're still alive; Giles explains that Willow has been stopped. Anya wonders if the witch is dead, but Giles says, "The magic she took from me -- it did what I'd hoped it would do." Anya is delighted when she figures out that Giles purposely "dosed" Willow with his magic. Apparently, the magic given to him by the coven carried the "true essence" of magic, in contrast to Willow's, which "came from a place of rage and power." What's wrong with that? It's where I get all my best material. Anya adds "vengeance" to that list. Turns out that the magic Giles gave her "tapped into the spark of humanity [Willow] had left" and helped her to feel again. Because of this, Xander could "reach her." Anya, her face enticingly close to Giles's, is surprised to hear that Xander was involved, and Giles says that Xander saved them all. Anya and Giles make out, because danger and near-death make you all sexy like that. Okay, not really, but I know I wasn't the only one thinking it!

Buffy and Dawn. Cave. Buffy wanders about, confused, and then slowly sits on one of the coffins. Dawn, who has taken a break to apply fresh, shiny lip gloss, muses that the conflict is over and the world still exists; Buffy bursts into tears. Dawn's face sets in anger and she snides, "Sorry to disappoint you." Then she pauses and wonders if Buffy is actually caught up in "happy crying." Buffy assures her sister that she didn't want the world to end. She then says she's sorry, and hugs Dawn close. Buffy admits she knows that things have "sucked lately," but now she truly sees Dawn and things are going to change. I feel like they're talking directly to me, and I don't believe a word of it. Buffy promises that things will be different, and she wants to be there. And she means it this time, unlike the eighty-seven times she's said it. She wants to see her friends happy and see Dawn grow up into a beautiful, powerful woman. Buffy really hasn't been paying attention if she hasn't noticed that Dawn is already quite the woman. Who's doing the laundry? Shouldn't Buffy have noticed that Dawn's bra size already exceeds hers by, like, three cups? Buffy turns away and says she shouldn't protect Dawn from the world; instead, she should show it to her. They hug again.

Sunny daylight. Buffy's hand reaches up out of the hole and digs into the grass. Once again, she's clawing her way out of the grave, but this time it's happy! Buffy pulls herself out and gives Dawn an arm up. They pant, and Buffy's face is suffused with joy.

Willow still cries in Xander's arms. He strokes her hair.

Anya puts Giles's arm over her shoulders and helps him out of the magic shop.

A big yellow truck, driven by a big tattooed truck driver. He looks over to the passenger seat and gives an appraising, menacing smile. In the passenger seat, Andrew and Jonathan huddle together, apprehensive. Jonathan's eyes dart nervously.

Buffy and Dawn walk though a park filled with flowering trees. A butterfly twinkles past.

A dark cave. Spike is lying on his back. The Deep-Throaty demon stomps up and tells Spike that he's "endured the required trials." I've endured the required trials of this season -- what do I get? Did we miss the trial where Spike had to make a full three-course meal out of the mangy ingredients he found in a stranger's fridge? Spike agrees with Deep Throaty. He pulls himself up and says, "So you'll give me what I want. Make me what I was. So Buffy can get what she deserves." "Very well," intones Deep-Throaty Demon. "We will return -- your soul." He lays his big meaty hand on Spike's chest. Golden light flashes all around his hand. Spike screams in pain, and his eyes glow gold. Fade out on Spike screaming. I hope that hurt a lot; I can spend all summer thinking of Spike suffering.