Life Serial

S06E05

Previously on Buffy, important stuff happened. Joyce died. Buffy had money problems. The Legion of Dim was formed. Okay. Not all of that was important.

Buffy walks through her front door carrying a bucket of "deep-fried chicken parts." She enters the dining room to find the witchlets, Dawn, and Giles already finishing up dinner. However, they don't want to admit this for fear of upsetting Buffy in her fragile state. Because with everything she's faced, the possibility of dropping twenty bucks on chicken that people will eat tomorrow instead of immediately might really push her over the edge. Tara asks for a piece, and everyone else follows her lead. Willow says that she is "a breast girl," with a sly look at Tara. Uch. So unnecessary. It might not have been so bad if Willow had said it inadvertently and then looked like she hoped that people wouldn't take it the wrong way, but I'm really getting tired of inappropriate sex talk. Especially at the dinner table in front of all your friends. It's like cursing in church or something. You just don't do it.

Anyway, Dawn tries to feel Buffy out about her visit with Angel, but Buffy is reluctant to discuss it. Dawn must have come late to the set today, because her hair is slicked back flat against her head and tied in a ponytail. It's possibly the most unflattering hairstyle I've seen on any character to date. It also highlights her nose, which is -- and there's no nice way to say this -- tuber-shaped. I've kind of been avoiding mentioning it, partly because of the unpleasant Riley associations and also because I've been hoping that she'd grow into it or something. Anyway, Giles changes the subject, asking what Buffy plans to do. Buffy starts talking about creatively juggling her finances to pay off her bills, but Giles was more interested in what direction Buffy was planning for her life. Buffy seems stumped. Tara suggests that Buffy could audit classes until it's time to register for the semester. Which makes no sense. She'd have to pay the full fees but wouldn't get any credit for taking the courses. I think that Buffy is busy enough. God knows it's not a crime to take some time off. Especially if you've been dead for a few months. Not to mention that it's probably financially impossible for Buffy to go to school, pay her mortgage, raise Dawn -- all while fighting the forces of darkness, which, as we established last episode, isn't the most highly compensated of professions. Sure, there's the intrinsic reward, but intrinsic reward doesn't fill your belly. Anyway. Think of doing all of that while studying for finals. In any case, Buffy doesn't seem too enthused about entering the hallowed halls of higher learning again, but agrees to give it a try.

In the driveway of what I assume to be Warren's mother's house, Jonathan grouses that they're never going to be able to rule Sunnydale with tiny, iron fists until Buffy is out of the way. In response, Warren sets up the "plot" for this week's episode -- that the Legion of Dim will be pitting Buffy against various tests in order to find the best way to defeat her. On the one hand, I'm not really comfortable with the progression of Jonathan from everyman character who gave Buffy the Class Protector Award in "The Prom" to evil sub-genius bent on overthrowing Buffy, but then I remember that she was pretty cold to him at the end of "Superstar," so I guess I'll call it a stalemate. Overhead shot of Warren sliding out on one of those, uh, slide-y things that people lie on to work underneath cars. "She's ready," he announces, and the view changes to show a black van. Warren gives Jonathan the grand tour. The van is fully decked out for surveillance with many of Apple's finest and most expensive flat-panel studio displays. They walk to the other side of the van, talking about how Buffy won't have a clue who is messing with her because of the non-descript nature of the van. Huh. And here I thought that Buffy wouldn't know that it's them because they're such piss-ants that they come in completely under her radar. Just as the dorkish duo are patting themselves on the back for coming up with such a clever disguise, they find Andrew on the other side, doing an airbrushed rendition of the Death Star all along the side of the van. Jonathan criticizes the placement of the thermal exhaust port, but Andrew hotly contends that he's using the Return of the Jedi design. Jonathan vehemently protests that that particular design is "flawed," and almost has to be physically restrained. Warren interrupts them to point out the bigger picture, which is that they don't want to attract unnecessary attention. Am I the only one that tends to think that black or white nondescript vans are creepy in and of themselves? Seriously. I cross the street every time I see one. If you really wanted to be inconspicuous, I'd recommend getting a sparkly blue/gray van with cheesy '70s racing stripes. People might feel sorry for the poor sap that has to drive that monstrosity, but they certainly won't look twice.

UCS. Buffy and Willow enter a classroom. They take their seats, and Willow points out the prof, one "Mike" who is busy writing "Social Construction of Reality" on the board. Mike gets right to it, asking who can define the concept. Every hand but Buffy's is raised. "And the flip side?" Hands again. Every answer is a jargon-filled mess, and Buffy is quickly out of her depth. Willow advises her to just get into the flow of things. Buffy looks distressed. Wow, that's probably the singularly most unbelievable classroom I've seen in all my days. College students? Doing the reading? Internalizing the main concepts? Having no fear of discussing them in front of their peers? Not busy talking about how totally wasted they were the night before? Riiiiiiiight.

After class Willow, Buffy, and Tara walk down the hall while Willow tries to console Buffy that she's just "rusty." Buffy protests that she needs some time to re-acclimate. Like when you bring a goldfish home, you can't just put it in the aquarium right away or you'll kill it. Buffy needs to ease back into school. Suddenly a fast-moving figure in a hooded gray sweatshirt and baseball cap passes Buffy. To the girls, it just looks like he's a rude jerk with poor spatial perception. But we see that he actually attaches some sort of miniature metal device to Buffy's cardigan. The figure rounds the corner and, big surprise, it's Warren. He speaks into the side of his collar, and Andrew and Jonathan pull him up on the monitors in the van. Which is parked right outside of the building Warren is in. This is one of those times that I'm supposed to just shut up and suspend my disbelief, isn't it? Warren orders them to "initiate sequence," and a small satellite dish protrudes from the top of the van and begins circling. All-black van with satellite dish on the top? No way that would attract any undue attention.

Tara tells Buffy that they've got about twenty minutes before art appreciation class, and reaches into her bag to hand Buffy the book so that Buffy can get a head start on appreciating some art. Buffy opens it and briefly glances at one of the prints. There's a noise like a bunch of bees buzzing, and Buffy looks up to find Tara in mid-prattle, obviously finishing up a very long story. Be glad you missed it, Buffy. I am. Buffy decides to get a drink of water to settle her nerves but, at the fountain, before her lips can even make contact with the water, there's the same strange buzzing noise and then Tara is calling from the other end of the hall that they're going to be late. Buffy: "What the fu…" Heh.

By this time Warren has joined the dorkish duo in the van, making their trio complete so that they can form Voltron or something. In the building, Buffy runs after Tara but is locked out of the classroom. Time keeps speeding up. After what seems to Buffy only a moment, Tara is back from class. Buffy points to the clock to show Tara that time is jumping erratically forward, but by the time she looks back, Tara is nowhere to be found. Buffy must be invisible when this happens, because I can't imagine that Tara would just leave her there. Buffy rushes outside to look for Tara, and then all the students whiz blurrily by. She crawls her way across the grassy quad but is pummeled by students who don't seem to see her. She seeks refuge under a stone table and takes off her cardigan, quickly finding the small silver bug. She stares at it. Inside the van, the Legion of Dim freaks, and Warren quickly pushes the Big Red Button. This is of course a self-destruct button, and the tiny transmitter winks out of existence and everything returns to normal. Buffy slowly stands up to reveal that she has much bigger problems: a calico-patterned bustier which looks like Laura Ashley couture designed for Madonna now that she's a mom. Eesh.

In the van, Andrew and Jonathan quickly total Warren's points.

The day, Xander and Buffy walk to work at the construction site. Buffy is excited about joining the workforce. Ah. Spoken like someone who has never been a part of the workforce. Buffy is very cute in her jeans, black tank top, tool belt, and hard hat. Xander reminds her that it's only a temp thing because Buffy's non-union. Thus, Xander had to call in some favors to get her a job in a closed shop system. Buffy thanks him from saving her from the horror of working retail. "I'd rather be dead. Again." Buffy is very wise. Buffy and Xander discuss her episode at school, and Buffy lets it drop that Giles implied that it was "stress-induced." Which makes no sense to me. When are these people going to realize that this is Sunnydale? When odd shit happens, there's usually some sort of evil behind it. Xander pisses me off further by downplaying Buffy's concerns. He advises her to keep such crazy talk to herself when she meets the boss. Shut up, Xander! Buffy isn't your autistic sock monkey of a girlfriend. She generally knows how to conduct herself in social situations. Xander introduces Buffy to Foreman Tony. Buffy extends her hand, but Tony doesn't shake it. Instead, he chews Xander out for bringing them "some little girl" to babysit when they're already so far behind. Buffy tries to break in, but he shoots her down with a "Not now, Gidget." Xander asks Tony (he's the boss!) to at least wait to see what Buffy can do, as she's "stronger than she looks." Tony turns away in disgust. Xander quickly takes off to go supervise his crew upstairs. The foreman assigns various tasks to the assembled anonymous construction workers, and one of the other workers tries to pawn off his job of hauling steel beams onto Buffy. Tony agrees, saying, "Okay, princess. You're on it. Try not break a nail." Buffy's expression at this is priceless. Hey, do you think it would be too much to ask that some of the budget for this show be earmarked for creating tertiary characters that are not complete amalgamations of stereotypes? I'm a little worried that the Legion of Dim and these construction guys might blow away in the heavy gust of wind, considering that they seem to lack a third, or even second, dimension. Buffy makes her way to the pile of beams that she's supposed to haul around; the other guy assigned to the same task tells her not to sweat the comments, and warns her not to let the guys goad her into hurting herself. While he's talking, Buffy effortlessly lifts one of the steel beams that weigh many hundreds of pounds, and walks off. Did I miss the memo? When did it become no longer important for Buffy to maintain a secret identity?

Buffy. Hauling beams. Helping out. Making friends and vanquishing her enemies. Or something. But she's still managing to offend her coworkers, because she's working too hard. Y'see, they get paid by the hour, and Buffy's diligence is ruining it for everyone.

Cut to the van, parked conveniently outside of the construction site. Warren peers through a pair of binoculars at Buffy. Jonathan parts the beaded curtain to the back and grimly tells Andrew, who is sitting in a lotus position in the back reading a comic book, that it's his turn. Andrew grabs a set of wooden pipes and starts playing them. Oh, good job there, Kokopelli. I'm sure that New Age music is very much a fear of Buffy's.

Buffy leans over the water cooler to get a drink and…I almost fall out of my chair. What the hell is that noise? Oh. Strega left her Misdirection-Based Comedy Alarm here from when she was subbing. Which means that I'm not at all frightened when we see a pair of hands pick up some huge -- like novelty-sized -- pliers and head towards Buffy. It's just Tony the Boss, though. Buffy first starts, then gives him a look, and finally pushes him out of the way because numerous vaguely Greedo-looking demons have come a callin'. She fights them off, causing no small amount of damage to the framework of the building. As she's occupied with the first one, the remaining two corner a bunch of cowering construction workers. She quickly dispatches them with a masterful use of props. One is strangled by a bunch of shiny metal tubing and the other has his head smashed by a cherry picker. As each is killed, it dissipates into goo and then disappears.

From the van, Andrew is upset that Buffy dealt with them so quickly. I mean, duh. Did this guy just move here or something? Buffy has dealt with more threatening things in her sock drawer. Warren takes the binoculars, and then the two squabble over them, causing Andrew to fall across to the driver's side and honk the horn, which plays the Star Wars theme. I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of mail informing me that it's not actually the theme song, but rather the refrain from the third movement's coda or something. I'm telling all of you people right now to stow it. I could go look it up myself if I at all cared. Which I don't. In any case, this draws Buffy's attention to the van, but she's got bigger fish to fry. Like bottom-feeder Xander, for one, who immediately jumps to the conclusion that Buffy got a little testy at the lip the rest of the crew was giving her. The foreman says that Buffy went berserk. Xander chides her, but she pulls him aside to tell him about the demons. He is more worried about the client's reaction to rebuilding delays. Buffy whirls around and asks Vince to back her up, but she don't get no love from Vince, who says, "Must be that time of the month or somethin'," because Buffy was "losing it." Buffy stalks off. Xander follows her. He postulates that someone is "messing with" Buffy, based on the incidents at school yesterday and now this. Buffy: "Really? Think they're connected?" Uh. Buffy? I know that you were dead for a while, but you do remember things that occurred prior to your demise, right? Or did your brain not reanimate all the way? Except for an extended vacation in heaven, you've spent the past five years in Sunnydale. EVERYONE messes with you at some point. I'm beginning to think that's why keeping the Slayer's identity secret is such a good idea. So they don't have to deal with every Tom, Dick, and Harry demon hassling them. I'm oh so very tired of the amazing incidental lobotomies that each character seems to suffer whenever it's convenient to the story. I miss the old days, when the plots were complex enough to realistically confound both the viewers and the characters, without requiring that the characters suffer from enormous gaps in logic to help move the plot along.

Der Zauber Kasten. Buffy's fallen back on the offer of employment in retail. Giles walks by with a large stack of books to add to the even larger stacks of books on the table. Buffy asks if that's all "research or some kind of stress test for the table?" Anya approaches with a handbook of procedures and starts going over the return/shipping and hold policies. Whew! Hold onto your hats! This is getting exciting. I hope week Buffy decides to try her hand at investment banking!

In the van, Warren is less than enthused. "This is so dull I might actually have fallen asleep and be dreaming you guys." Huh. I didn't know I could insert my innermost feelings into the dialogue of tertiary characters. Neat! Jonathan is ready to start his spell. He tells Warren and Andrew to hold hands, but Andrew wants no part of it. "Well, you know what homophobia really means about you, dontcha?" retorts Warren. He extends a large bone toward Andrew, causing Jonathan to snap, "Stop touching my magic bone!" Oh, okay. Heh. I'm five. The geeks crack up. Jonathan lights a piece of paper and then recites a spell in Latin; I don't catch much but "tempest" and oh god! Someone tell me that Jonathan is not summoning the Cosby Show star Tempestt Bledsoe from whatever '80s rock she's been hiding under to menace Buffy, pudding pops a'blazin', with terrible sweaters, leggings, oversized earrings, and sassy attitude!

Der Zauber Kasten. A customer walks through the door. Giles gives Buffy a bit of advice to concentrate on service instead of the hard sell. Giles polishes his glasses and is visibly pleased with this nugget as he walks off. Buffy cracks me up as she says, "Guess I'll have to find my own style." Which I have chosen to interpret as, "Cram it, you sconehead." Anya directs Buffy's attention to the customer. "That woman. Go sell her something." As Buffy crosses the sales floor, she's stopped by some tool who can't tell which candle will create a "more romantic atmosphere," lemon seduction or essence of slug. She hands him the lemon seduction candle and then heads over to the other customer. The woman is looking for a mummy hand to use in a prosperity spell. Buffy cheerfully says that she saw one downstairs, joking, "It's kinda hairy though. Maybe it's a daddy hand." The woman looks at her askance. Hey, lady? Maybe you'd have more prosperity if you weren't such a crashing BORE! Buffy heads downstairs. She finds the mummy hand on top of a crate, but when she grabs for it, it flings itself at Buffy's neck. She wrassles it off and then grabs a dagger, impaling it. Oops. Dead mummy hands sell no sales. Upstairs, Buffy cheerfully tells Sourpuss that, as a bonus, she gets the dagger for free. But apparently an inanimate mummy hand contains no power, so Sourpuss isn't interested.

The bell on the door of Der Zauber Kasten tinkles again. Buffy is back where she started. Giles gives Buffy the same bit of advice. Buffy tries to tell him that they've already done this, but he's not really responding to her.

In the van, Jonathan expositions that he's made Buffy loop until she satisfies her customer. "Maybe I should have done more," he muses. Clearly Jonathan has never worked retail, or he'd know that's enough. Customers = thankless harpies. You think I'm joking? I saw many a hapless sales clerk's liver eaten during my tenure in retail. In fact, I must admit that I've been that customer. Just the other week, I was at Monolithic Corporate Grocery Store in my neighborhood and I wished to pick up a rotisserie chicken. There weren't any out, so I asked the deli clerk how long the batch would be. She told me that there was no batch. It was then that I saw the sign. The sign which read, "We guarantee you a hot, fresh, roasted chicken every day between 4PM and 7PM or your one is free." I asked the deli clerk if I could get a coupon, then. She seemed confused. I pointed at the sign. Obviously, she did not have the power to dispense free chicken to me, so I asked to speak to the manager. He explained to me that the guarantee did not apply, because their suppliers had been late and they had received no chickens to roast. I asked him to point out where in their guarantee it said that they were free of liability due to poor resource management. He gave me a look and insisted that they didn't owe me a chicken. I asked him to please read his sign aloud. He did. I asked him for the time. It was 4:30. I pointed out that they had no chickens, I wanted one, it was a day that clearly fell under the category of "every," and furthermore that the time was between the hours of 4 and 7PM. He then tried to lead me to the cold case, where yesterday's chickens that didn't sell were sitting, waiting for some sucker to take them home and feed them to families that they obviously didn't care for a great deal. He tried to pass substandard chicken off on me, but I wasn't having it. I said, "Sir, I'm sorry but that fulfills neither the 'hot' nor the 'fresh' portions of your guarantee." Finally, he caved and gave me a coupon for a free chicken. The week, when I went to pick up my free chicken, I noticed that they were again out of chickens, but by that time the sign had been taken down. I ruined the system for everyone. Fight the power!

By Sep

Sep: "Guys? Y'all notice that this stuff is made by Ralston Purina?"

Blank looks.

Sep: "You know. The people who make Puppy Chow?"

Blank looks.

I surveyed the tableau of activities. Three people, indoors on a bright beautiful day, all doing computery things and watching a movie in which William Shatner plays himself without irony.

Sep: "Um. This is GEEK CHOW."

So I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I've been part of or party to almost the exact conversations that the Legion of Dim are having -- many, many times. The people at Mutant Enemy are professionals. I expect a little more from them than the kinds of things my friends and I have discussed on our own. Simply repeating clichés isn't enough. There has to be some sort of actual satirical or farcical comedy.

Der Zauber Kasten. Buffy snatches Giles's glasses away from him and stamps them into smithereens. Buffy: Increasingly frustrated. Crying. Recapper: Increasingly impatient. Fuming. Buffy tries once more to explain to Sourpuss that the mummy hand is defective. Which reminds me that the time I'm in the market for mummy hands, I'll be sure to look into the service agreement. "Look, there's no way to get --" Her expression brightens. "To get that hand. But I can special-order one. We can deliver it anywhere you want." Customer? Satisfied. Recapper. Somnolent.

After Sourpuss has departed, Giles and Anya gather round to congratulate Buffy. Anya scrutinizes the invoice and remarks that Buffy forgot to charge for delivery. "I'll just take it out of your pay," suggests Anya cheerfully. Giles, for some reason I will never fathom, AGREES to this. And this, right here, is where I lost it. It's her first day, her first sale, which she made unsupervised after a scant two minutes of training and having been recently deceased for a number of months. She makes one tiny little error and they want to dock her pay? How many times has Buffy risked life and freakin' limb saving one of those dolts? To suggest that they would take a delivery charge out of her paycheck, which, at the rate retail pays, is likely to BE her paycheck chaps my freakin' hide. In fact, I think that Buffy should just get a cut of Zauber Kasten profits in recognition of her years of service and in exchange for protecting all of their asses. Y'know what my problem with this season is? It's a little too realistic. I don't want to tune in for a show about how people struggle to make ends meet and creatively manage their finances. If I want to worry about how to get the most out of each budget dollar, I can do that on my own time. Television is supposed to be an escape, and I want to see a show about magic, fantastical shit happening and people getting their asses kicked. Paying bills, worrying about money, hoping things won't break until month is just a little too much like my life. And believe you me, I don't watch TV so I can revel in my life. Buffy is also disgusted. She calmly agrees, "Absolutely," but slaps down her "Hello! My name is Buffy. Ask me about curses!" nametag on her way out the door. HA!

By Sep

Spike wins. He now has enough kittens to start a shelter for wayward and abandoned kitties. And if that's the step in the schmoopification of Spike, I swear to God right now that I will claw my own eyes out with a fondue fork. One of the demons accuses Spike of cheating as he gathers up his kitten loot. The demons take a more threatening tone with Spike. Spike reminds them that if they're looking for a fight, they'll have to take down both Buffy and Spike. Wait. Do they know Buffy's the Slayer? Otherwise, that's not much of a threat. "Mess with me and I will sic my animate dancing skeleton on you! Mua ha ha ha ha!" The issue never comes to a head as Buffy exclaims, "What? I'm not getting into a bar fight." She gets up to take off, but not before freeing all of the portable blood units. Spike follows her in a huff. He wants to know what's the matter with her, which I think can be summed up in one sentence: "The only person I can even stand to be around is a neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker." She storms off.

Outside, Buffy has stopped in the middle of the street. She's staring at the Legion of Dim's van. Buffy puts two and two together. Back in the van, the Bond brouhaha is becoming quite heated. A small fight breaks out between Warren and Andrew. Jonathan points out that Buffy is headed their way. Warren directs Jonathan to "grab [his] magic bone," and the trio collapses into giggles.

As Buffy gets closer to the van, a red, large-horned, filmy-winged demon emerges. He tells her that he has been testing her, and now he knows her weaknesses. Buffy the Boozehound tries to punch him, but her perception is off, and she misses. She then attempts to kick him, and that connects, but just barely. She falls to the ground, and Spike, who has been standing in the background doing his taxes or something, rushes to her aid. She crossly pushes him off, and then Jonathan "calls on a misty portal to [his] demon dimension," throws a smoke bomb down, and runs away.

Jonathan limps up to the Legion of Doom van and transforms back to himself. He climbs in the back, moaning in pain. Andrew drools, "The Slayer touched you." "Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists," deadpans Jonathan. Heh. Warren is pleased with what they've accomplished and proclaims that they're going to "really become a threat to her." What? Between them they can control time, build an army of robots who can fight nearly as effectively as the Slayer herself, and make everyone think that they're super-cool. What more do they need? If I could do any of those things, I would be a threat to each and every thing on this entire planet. And if Buffy is the only thing that's stopping them from taking over Sunnydale, why don't they just move two towns over to wherever Warren was going to ITT Tech and conspire to dominate that town? Trust me. One crappy little backwater California 'burb is the same as any other.

By Sep

Ding-a-ling! Oh, that could apply to so many things. Buffy. Me, for watching this crap. Mutant Enemy, for producing this crap. Y'know, I might have more patience for this sort of thing if they hadn't just done a looping gag last season. Buffy. Losing patience. Tries to leave through the front door but ends up right back in der Zauber Kasten. Cut to Buffy staring sadly at something off-screen. We switch to see the mummy hand clicking the tongs at her. Okay. HA! Dar be funny.

Upstairs, Buffy pulls off the bell in frustration. She smiles grimly to herself.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling! Buffy passes the candle guy. "You like slug? Go with slug. She's not gonna sleep with you anyway."

Cut to the Legion of Dim in the van. Warren: "This mummy hand has ceased to be!" Andrew: "It is an ex-mummy hand!" Oh, okay. That too is slightly amusing. But the main problem I'm having with the Legion of Dim is that I'm a geek myself. The other weekend, I was at a friend's house. He was busy reassembling his machine just for kicks, our other friend was on another machine recompiling his kernel, and I was on the couch doing a wee bit of shell programming. We were also watching Free Enterprise, which is a really fun little film, but if you're not familiar with it, the only thing you really need to know is that it co-stars William Shatner. As himself. My friend, being a good host, busted out a bag of that pre-made Chex-Mix-type stuff. It got passed around. All and sundry agreed that it is of the good and should earn a place in snack-food Valhalla for all time. We quickly inhaled most of the bag. When it made its way around to me, I noticed a little logo on the back.

Sep: "Guys? Y'all notice that this stuff is made by Ralston Purina?"

Blank looks.

Sep: "You know. The people who make Puppy Chow?"

Blank looks.

By Sep

I surveyed the tableau of activities. Three people, indoors on a bright beautiful day, all doing computery things and watching a movie in which William Shatner plays himself without irony.

Sep: "Um. This is GEEK CHOW."

By Sep

Spike's crypt. Buffy and Spike are…doing shots of whisky. Oh my, my, my. Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. Doing shots in cemeteries with boys is never a good idea. I have been there, my friend, and there is nothing good down that path. ["It really depends on the boy. Or, you know, so I hear." -- Sars] Buffy grouses to Spike about her recent difficulties. Spike suggests that Buffy might want to listen to what's being said in the demon world instead of relying on Giles for information. Plus, it's, y'know, fun. Buffy rebuts that it's "not [her] kind of fun." Spike gets serious as he says, "Yeah it is. And you're life's gonna get a lot less confusing when you figure that out." Buffy takes another shot and gives another "bleaurgh" reaction. Spike smiles at the display, and I must admit that he does have a particularly nice smile. Spike goes on to tell Buffy that she's "a creature of the darkness." Uh. Okay, Count Schmoopula. Where have I heard that before? Anyway, Buffy agrees to try things Spike's way because of the availability of liquor in Spike's world.

Bar. Spike and Buffy enter. He gets the usual, but when the bartender tries to pour a pair of shots, Buffy grabs the entire bottle of tequila instead. She follows Spike to the back room, because this is where the big stuff goes down. In the back, a group of demons is gathered around the card table, game in progress. And I don't want to judge a book by its cover or anything, but it's all eyes and horns and floppy skin. Spike takes an empty space at a table (empty because he threw out the demon that was sitting there) and picks up the cards. Buffy is incredulous. "You're gonna play cards?" She'd rather rough them up for info. Spike gets up to explain to her that during the game, useful information is also exchanged. Buffy seems temporarily pacified. Spike sits down again and asks someone to spot him a "tiny tabby." It appears that the stakes in this game are kittens. Everyone dumps a wee thing into the basket in the middle of the table. The little orange one is way cute. I would name him Tang if he were mine. Buffy can't believe her eyes, and frankly neither can I. I know why this happens in the back room; other self-respecting demons would laugh these losers right out of Sunnydale.

By Sep

Legion of Dim, driving across town to mess with Buffy some more. How do they know where Buffy is? Why do I care? The boys get into a small argument over which actor was the best Bond. Bond? That doesn't really work for me. I think it would be far more realistic for these guys to argue about their favorite doctor on Dr. Who.

By Sep

Buffy's house. Buffy exits the bathroom. She shuffles along to her room. Giles hands her a glass of water. She's all hungover. She sits down at the foot of the bed, presses her palm against her forehead, and confesses, "I'm really screwing up, Giles." Giles sits down on the edge of the bed beside her and consoles her. He tells her that she's pushing herself too hard, and that she doesn't need to have all the answers right away. "The nice people at the phone company seem to think it's not hard enough," she glumps. Giles says that he can help with that, and reaches into his magic bag to pull out a check of significant enough size to bring tears to Buffy's eyes. She gets up to go show Dawn, and as she's leaving, she turns back to Giles and says, "I just want to tell you that, um, this makes me feel safe. Knowing that you're always gonna be here." Giles gives a shy half smile and manages to control his expression until Buffy is gone. The camera focuses on Giles thinking to himself, "I'm so glad that silly girl doesn't watch the credits. Otherwise, she'd figure out that I'm not a regular this season."