First, so that you are excited to read this recap of a movie you've never heard of, let me tell you that it is the most juvenile, deadly dull movie ever. Starring Dyan Cannon, of all people, who needs to give it up already. And let me also tell you how we are going solve the dull problem -- sex jokes. Lots and lots of sex jokes. Because there's nothing more fun than sullying semi-innocent children's programming with tawdry humor. Beverly Hills Family Robinson is essential for the Sarah Michelle Gellar completist, so you should read this recap for the scintillating sex jokes, and to save three valuable hours of your life.
Okay, now for our feature presentation. Establishing shots of Beverly Hills. You've seen this in Pretty Woman, Beverly Hills Teens, Beverly Hills , Beverly Hills Cop, and probably Beverly Hillbillies if you're that oldRodeo Drive, BMWs, rich white people.
Crap -- character development. Dyan Cannon and some red, ripe, juicy tomatoes. That was the obligatory sex "joke" for this section, because you have to imagine some two-bit tramp (me?! No, not me!) with big fat lips (Jessica Alba?) saying, "Redripejuicy" all slow and slutty-like.
More of Beverly Hills. Here be mansions, and a kid on bike trailed by a black Cadillac limousine. Young Miss Sarah Michelle Gellar with dark hair, dark glasses, and textbooks, popping her bubble gum. If I were sick and twisted, I would find some way to connect the phrase "popping her bubble gum" to "popping her cherry," but I'm absolutely not going to, because that wouldn't be a logical comedy leap, would it?
Dad, as played by Martin Mull, a long-time Hey, It's That Guy!, is cleaning his golf balls. No, really.
Now someone is welding, which makes me nostalgic for The A-Team and those most excellent construction montages where Hannibal, Face, Murdoch, and B.A. would all work together to build a nifty rocket-launcher from paperclips and industrial waste. The boy on the bike gets off (I said "get off." Heh.) and scoots into the limousine. This is the bratty kid brother, Roger, who is sadly and totally growth-stunted. Poor kid still wants to be actor, but these days he's only doing voice work, most notably as Terry's little brother on Batman Beyond.
Over at Beverly Hills High, SMG is gossiping with the Cordettes.
Beverly Hills Family Robinson
“ So, beneath all the porn, this is the touching story of a family learning to love again. Or something. ”
At the country club, Dad hops into a golf cart. For the record, Martin Mull -- big glasses, gigantic mustache, sandy complexion, and sandy brown hair -- looks exactly like a 160-pound woodchuck. So, just for the sake of criminally negligent innuendo, let's call him "Woody."
Dyan Cannon lectures the camera about cooking shellfish until her son attacks her with crabs. Heh. I said "crabs." At this point, I ought to cut you in the wisdom I picked up from the video box. Dyan Wattle, a.k.a. Marsha Robinson, is a cooking show diva, a la Martha Stewart. She produces her show at home, using her family as props and accomplices. So, beneath all the porn, this is the touching story of a family learning to love again. Or something.
Okay, montage. Blah blah limos golf gossip. Little brother has a turtle. That's nice. Sarah Michelle's character, as yet unnamed, is donning what I believe is known as a "fall" -- one of those half-wigs which makes it look like you have a big fluffy hairstyle on the top of your head. It's atrocious and looks kinda like the wig Buffy wore for "Halloween" back in Season 2, except all bunched up.
Wattle lifts her welder's mask -- and Jennifer Beals she ain't -- to crow, "And that's the way I do it!" Ew! Ew! Dyan Cannon doing it. Ew! Back in the house, cameramen and a boom operator surround the Robinson dinner table, where Wattle is serving crab almondine on a bed of wild rice, asparagus strudel, tomato coolie, and an arugula salad. "And that's not all! Look what Jane prepared for us. It's a cro-cum-boosh!" Brother, pointedly and precociously, to the camera: "A cro-cum-what?" Jane: "A cro-cum-boosh! It's French for 'crunch of the mouth.'" ("Cum"! "Bush"! "Crunch of the mouth"!) Woody, deliberately, as if, maybe, he were reading lines: "I'm astonished and intrigued. Tell us more." Jane: "A pyramid of cream-filled pus pastry --" (Cream! And pus! Ew!) Wattle: "Puff pastry, honey." (Puff! Rhymes with muff!) Jane, with her bitch on: "Puff pastry. Bonded by caramel and accented with slivers of nougat." (Bondage!) Brother: "Fascinating." Jane: "Actually, it wasn't terribly difficult. I made all the ingredients yesterday after school and I all had to do today was assemble and drizzle."
Wattle patronizes the help, an aproned woman by the name of Cha-Cha. "Gracias! Gracias! Perfecto!" Woody looks miserable and terrified, but Wattle wants him to tell the folks at home about their upcoming travel episode. Woody promises to tell everything after a message from their sponsor, the Bonjour Mineral Water Company, "the champagne of bottled water." Jane smiles obsequiously in the camera's general direction.
Naturally, the smiles are a faade, behind which cower broken hearts and shattered souls. The minute the director cuts to commercial, because for some insane reason this show is live, Wattle leaps up and begins haranguing everyone in sight. The crab wasn't cracked, the crew is overpaid, the meat is bleeding, the corn is wrong, the cell phones are broken, and she cares too much and that's why it's so so hard. Woody stands above the fray, putting together a tasty-lookin' cheese sandwich.