Previously on Buffy: Glory, Dawn, the Key, blah blah. Actually, I'm tired of typing these things out. Read the recaps if you don't know what's happened this season.
After an establishing shot of UC Sunnydale, we see Buffy enter a classroom where a professorial type is struggling with a slide projector. As he fiddles with his slot (not like that, gutter-brains!), Buffy apologizes for missing class and then offers to help free the stuck slide. She tells him she is dropping out of school because she needs to look after her sister. The professor offers his condolences about Joyce and signs Buffy's paperwork. What follows is an excruciatingly long (over two minutes, people! 4.44 percent of the airtime, not counting commercials) scene in which Buffy apologizes for dropping the class and tries to assure the instructor that she really does love poetry. She finally frees the slide, which flies across the room, and I spend the duration of this seemingly endless scene wondering what sort of slides a poetry instructor would be showing in the first place. Droning filler, fillery droning.
As we hear Buffy saying, "Hopefully, I'll be back semester, when I'm more myself again," we see Ben hurry his diminutive brown-clad ass into the hospital. There, Scully's mean older brother Bill, who has dropped the Navy career and become a doctor, fires Ben for not showing up to work for two weeks. Sounds like one of Ash's employees. He recently had an student worker waltz in after a three-week absence with no explanation! People these days have no work ethic. Why, back in my day -- oops, codger attack. On with the Ben stuff. Bantam-sized Ben protests that his absence is not his fault, but Bill's a Navy hard-ass and advises Ben to take responsibility for his actions. Don't take him up on that advice, Ben. The Buffy-verse is apparently a place where taking responsibility for your actions is highly overrated. Just ask Anya, Spike, and Willow, to name a few. Ben blazes off to the staff lockers, where he throws his stuff into a box, ranting to Glory that she's ruining his life. Oops! Shouldn't name She Who Used To Be Nameless, because suddenly Glory manifests in Ben's place. "I'm hungry," she drones, beetling her brows. Worst Buffy teaser ever? I'm not sure and don't have the time to do the research, but this is sure one teaser that doesn't deserve the name. We weren't teased about a damn thing.
Taco Bell eatin' supermodels; Jennifer Lopez still trying to act; creepy ad featuring creepy Liv Tyler (or a Liv Tyler look-alike, which is scary in and of itself) and her creepy lips giving head to a lipstick and swanning about vapidly; the return of Mr. T. I hate commercials. I have got to buy myself that Tivo Sep has been trying to push on me.
Glory's apartment. Glory's taking a bubble bath while three blindfolded minions attend her. She gives the cold, bubbly shoulder to Not-Dreg and One-Million-Light-Years-From-Dreg, probably because they messed up the Spike-torturing incident. The poor Dreg substitutes attempt some toadying, but Glory snaps, "How 'bout you shut up and listen to me, you disgusting little fools!" I never, ever thought I'd say this, but: "Go, Glory!" Ech, now I feel unclean. Her Most UnScary, Nonthreatening Ineffectiveness uncorks her usual bottle of Eau d'Rant About The Key and gives the room a liberal sprinkling. Do you think Glory is seeking the Key? I mean, I've been watching this show all season and I'm still not clear if it's the Key that Glory really wants. It's so vague -- it seems possible she's actually looking for a ham sandwich, or a really good glass cleaner that doesn't leave streaks. WE GET IT, JOSS AND CO.! WE REALLY, REALLY DO! Glory petulantly instructs the minions to tell her all they discovered last week so she can decide which of Buffy's companions is the Key.
Buffy: "You lied to me?" Buffy and Dawn are in a meeting with the principal of Dawn's school. It seems little Dawnie has started some school-skipping ways and Buffy has just been notified. Valiantly fighting for her life against a dastardly demon disguised as a man's necktie that's tied tightly around her neck, Buffy apologizes to the principal and explains "the last few months" have been difficult for the Summers girls. More condolences on Joyce's death from the principal, who then gives the usual administrator's speech about what a talented underachiever Dawn is. Memories of my entire school career wash over me. Oh, yeah. "You test scores indicate you could be doing better, Ace." "With your skills I expected more, Ace." Feh. Uh, right, recap. The principal sends Dawn out of the room and prepares to say something to Buffy.
Der Zauber Kasten. Willow and Xander are sitting at the round table in the back, and Anya is peering at some older customers. Oh god, I smell some "Anya makes insensitive comments about the aged" humor coming on. Xander tells her not to watch the customers, and Anya accuses said customers of being unpatriotic. Oh god. I called it wrong. We're going to get jingoistic humor, not ageism humor. Hey, Xander cut his hair. Finally. It looks nice, except, um, it draws attention to his double chin. Well, better luck time, Nicky. Anya: I'm an American, a patriot, a capitalist, and I don't like old French people. Entire viewing audience: You are a waste of airtime and nobody cares. Buffy enters the shop with Dawn (sulking) in tow. She tells the gang she's now officially withdrawn from school, but is planning to return semester. Xander offers his support. Sweet. Buffy then says she needs to speak with Giles, and leaves Dawn with instructions to do her homework.
In the training room, it seems that Buffy has explained the school-skipping to Giles. She worriedly tells him she doesn't know what to do, and Giles suggests she "put her foot down." Well, yeah, I guess, but I hope she puts it down in a compassionate, loving way. I mean, as if being fourteen isn't hard enough all by itself, Dawn has also recently had a very ill mother who then died, and has also discovered that she's the outcome of a complicated magical spell. Buffy starts begging Giles to play the disciplinarian with Dawn, but he demurs. "Dawn needs an authority figure. A strong guiding hand. She'll listen to you." Giles scoffs, "Like you always have?" and Buffy, hurt, responds that she does listen to him. Removing his glasses, Giles makes eye contact with Buffy and tells her that Dawn needs her, as family, to take on the guiding role. Buffy steels herself to do so, and she and Giles walk back out into the shop. Buffy's expression turns to shock as she hears laughing and sees Dawn standing in the middle of a triangle made by Xander, Anya, and Willow lying on the floor. Ruh roh. Buffy stomps up, bitching at Dawn, and Willow hurriedly tries to explain that she was trying some visual learning with Dawn. Buffy, not having had the benefit of the one million and two classes in educational theory that I sat through in college, still isn't pleased and plays the cold bitch. Dude, you're going about it all wrong. The key word is management, not discipline. You want to manage the classroom environment, not discipline the students. Thank you, thank you. Five and half years in college, folks. Icily, the Slayer tells Dawn to fetch her books 'cause they're going home; she won't give in to even more explanation from Willow, who defends herself by saying that she's very serious about schoolwork. "Go school! It's your birthday. Or something to that effect," cheers Willow, and I like her again for about 8.5 seconds. Buffy admonishes, "You just don't understand and there's no way that you could." You know how you went on that vision-quest because you were worried about not being able to love, Buffy? Maybe you should have slipped in a questions or two about your inability to share your problems with your friends? That might have been a profitable exercise for you. Willow doesn't understand because you aren't explaining anything. Willow suggests that Dawn and Buffy accompany her and Tara to the World Culture Fair for "educational-type fun," but Buffy declines. Hey, Buffy, every party needs a pooper, and that's why we invited you! Wheee. Buffy tells Willow, "Don't worry, it's not like I don't have a life. I do. I have Dawn's life." Wow, someone's been shopping at Martyrs 'R' Us. That hair shirt itchy enough for ya, Buffster? Because we could exchange it for another, hairier one. And did you remember to pick up your copy of Guilt Trips For Dummies? Buffy and Dawn leave the store.
Glory thinks she's figured out who the Key is, but the script writer is employing the "clever" "device" of not letting the audience in on her decision. See, that creates "suspense." The audience is in "suspense" and then "tension" builds, until we find out it's all a big "wacky misunderstanding." Is it possible to overdose on one's own bile? Because I'm only about a quarter of the way into the recap, and I'm already feeling pretty bilious. Glory and her ratty-ass frizzy hair send the minions to collect the Key.
Willow and Tara are in Willow's dorm room discussing Buffy's crabbiness at Der Zauber Kasten. Tara defends Buffy, saying that Buffy "has to look after Dawn now." Willow protests that she doesn't have to do it in a "Miss Minchin's Select Seminary For Girls way." She feels Buffy's crankiness will just make Dawn "more rebellious." But really, I think even looking at linoleum makes teenage girls more rebellious. Tara mentions having to look after her brothers when her mother died and unfortunately says, "You can't really know what it's like to..." Having just heard this from Buffy, Willow becomes defensive. Surprised, Tara apologizes for making Willow mad, but Willow protests that she isn't mad, and struggles to explain that she feels her opinion doesn't mean anything because her mother hasn't died. Trying to understand, Tara asks if she acts like a know-it-all on the subject; Willow says no. "Is that 'no' spelled Y-E-S?" asks Tara, and Willow reluctantly answers, "S-O-R-T of." Ouch. The witchlets continue to talk. Tara mentions Willow's witchy skills and confesses, "It frightens me how powerful you're getting." Oops -- Willow doesn't like that and wants to know if she frightens Tara, but Tara protests she misspoke. Getting a little snippy, Willow retorts that she knows Freudian slips because she took Psych 101, albeit "from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation before the final." Go Maggie Walsh! It's your birthday! The tension between the two runs higher, and Tara suggests they drop it and go to the fair, but Willow can't. She wants to know why Tara doesn't trust her, and suddenly decides that Tara is insecure about Willow's lesbianism being only "experimentation before [Willow] gets over the thrill and heads back to Boystown." Boystown? Sign me up! I'll take a condo and make sure it has a large Jacuzzi. Dance for me, pool boy! "You think that?" snips Willow. "Should I?" Tara snips back. Willow sarcastically apologizes for "not establishing [her] lesbo street cred" and stomps out of the room.
Two minions sneak up to a window at the Summers home. Inside, Dawn sits at the dining room table and Buffy stands near her, folding laundry. As she flips a dish towel around, Buffy blathers about making a schedule for Dawn's chores. Dawn gives her the stink-eye. "I don't want any of this," sulks the Velve-teen Rabbit (I forgot all about that nickname), crossing her sulky little arms. Buffy protests that she's trying to give Dawn a normal life, but Dawn bitches about how she's not real. "Who cares if the Key gets an education anyway?" she surls, and throws her pencil down. "Why should I care about any of this?" Buffy: "Because they'll take you away!" Ah, finally. Turns out the principal told Buffy that if she can't make Dawn attend school, Dawn will most likely be removed from her custody and sent to their father or to foster care. Get your ass to school, Dawn. The last place you want to be is in foster care! Dawn, on the verge of tears, says Buffy could have told her about this and Buffy, her jaw set, replies, "I just did." Where's the love, Buffy? The love that will lead you to your gift. Uh, except that gift was death, so maybe I can actually see why you're being such a bitch to Dawn. And since there were minions lurking outside the house for this conversation, why don't we ever see an outcome of the minions hearing that Dawn is the Key?
Crappy, sappy piano noodlings try to make us sad as we see Tara sitting on a park bench in the middle of the Culture Fair. Give it up, wanker. I'd rather listen to my cat scratching in her litter box than this piece of so-called music.
Der Zauber Kasten. Willow sits on a pile of pillows and sulks. Tara looks around her with that drippy, blinky, bovine expression that makes me think the character is entirely too "nice" in a way that makes me hate her. A hand slips into Tara's and she turns, smiling, thinking it's Willow. But -- oh no! It's Glory! The music jangles! We're shocked! We gasp! Tara blinks.
At the magic shop, Willow glums up to the counter as Giles opens a box of "petrified hamsters." Strange, but -- snicker. Giles tells Willow that her "good mood is both obvious and contagious." Oh Giles, marry me. You're the only snarky person left on this show. Willow mopes that she had a fight with Tara, and Giles tries to assure her that she and Tara will make up and everything will seem much better. In the middle of his reassurances, Giles seems to hear a noise, and opens the back door; without looking, he uses it to knock down the minion lurking outside. Giles drags the stunned minion, Split-Off-From-Dreg's-Evolutionary-Branch-Six-Million-Years-Ago, into the store and throws it into a chair. Oooh, Giles becomes very cold and proper. He wipes his hand on a handkerchief as he menaces, "What a marvelous opportunity for you and me to talk." SOFDEBSMYA claims he will never talk, so Giles instructs Anya and Willow to fetch some twine off the counter. As they do so, off-screen we hear the chair scrape and the minion gasping loudly. "Don't! I'll tell you anything. Please," cowards SOFDEBSMYA. First time I watched this scene, I figured the minion must have a huge aversion to twine, which I can kinda understand because it does have a rather scratchy and dry texture, but further viewings have persuaded me that Giles actually did some mysterious Ripperish thing to SOFDEBSMYA in those few seconds. The minion admits that Glory is fetching the Key, but refers to it as "the witch." Willow runs to check for Tara at the fair as SOFDEBSMYA explains that the decision was based on Tara being the "new one" of the Scooby Gang.
At the Fair, not havin' such a good day is Tara. Glory blathers a bit and then squeezes Tara's hand so hard that you can hear the crunching noises. Ow. She warns Tara not to make a peep or she'll start killing indiscriminately. From Tara's POV we can see a couple of guys tossing around what I first thought was a Ghora egg but turned out to just be an albino football. Glory blathers some more, and I don't know which is worse for Tara -- having to listen to Borificus or the fact that Glory smushed her hand again, hard enough for huge rivulets of blood to trickle out between Tara's fingers. Glory claims that people are "worthless." "But Keys on the other hand are worth a very lot." Yeah. Grammar shrieks and hides in the corner. Glory takes a big lick of what she supposes is Key juice but in reality is…well, in reality it's fake blood, but it's supposed to be Tara's real blood. Glory makes a face and spits, because I guess you can tell a Key by how sweet the meat or something. Glory is offended that Tara "betrayed" her, but then offers to let Tara go if she tells Glory who the real Key is. If she doesn't? Well, then it's a one-way ticket to Sucksville. Tara looks honestly terrified at the prospect and sobs quite convincingly. Despite this torture, Tara doesn't break like a toothpick (as I would have), but gives Glory her resolute face. "Fine," purrs Glory, "Let's get crazy." She runs her fingers down Tara's face.
Willow rushes through the crowd and weaves her way through different groups of people. She catches sight of Glory and Tara on the bench and quickly starts a spell but has trouble remembering the incantation. She sees Glory with her hands in pre-brainsuck position when a long Chinese dragon cuts across her path, blocking her view. By the time it passes, Tara is alone on the bench, her face devoid of expression. Willow rushes to Tara and breathlessly asks if she's okay, but all Tara can do is mumble about being "dirty" and "bad." Willow folds Tara into her arms, sobbing about how sorry she is.
Hospital. The gang minus Buffy is gathered around Tara while Willow pleads with a doctor to be allowed to take Tara home; the doctor insists that Tara spend the night in the Psych ward for evaluation. "Is she your sister?" inquires the doctor. "She's my everything," replies Willow disconsolately. Exit doctor. "Words cannot express how much I hate this place," says Xander. Giles agrees, and Anya adds, "It's like communism." Hee! In rushes Buffy, and I guess she was on the phone getting all the utilities put in her name or something. Thank god they didn't show it. She hugs Willow and then Tara. Tara gives her a wide smile and mumbles something to establish that she's looney tunes. Xander looks pained, possibly because he finally realized that his new haircut exposes his double chin. Buffy apologizes for being late and then says, "Dawn's safe with Spike." I guess that everyone must still be in shock, because they just let that statement go. Not to mention that Buffy's definition of "safe" must be somewhat warped at this point, since Spike was in no way a match for Glory before she put him through the godly Cuisinart.
Dawn and Spike wander some of the many caves in Sunnydale. Spike is attempting to cheer Dawn up, calling her "Platelet," but she isn't having it. Spike still looks pretty damn pulverized with his raccoon mask of bruises. Dawn confides to Spike that she's worried that something might have happened to Tara, and if it has then it will be as much her fault as Spike's injuries. "I must be something so horrible to cause so much pain and evil," she trembles. Spike, who has been staring at her intensely all this time refutes her with a simple "rot." "Maybe I'm not evil, but I don't think I can be good," grouses Dawn. "Well," shrugs Spike, "I'm not good and I'm okay." More than okay-looking, but as for your other facets, Spike, it depends on who you ask.
At the hospital, a nurse wheels Tara out of the room and to the Psych ward. Willow attempts to follow her but is stopped by Xander. Buffy tells Willow that she should get some rest since there's "nothing [she] can do." Willow gets a determined look in her eye and says, "Yes there is," before rushing down the corridor. Buffy follows to talk some sense into her. She opines that it isn't the right time to confront Glory, and this sets Willow off as she accuses Buffy of waiting until "it's someone [she] love[s] as much as [Willow] loves Tara." "When we have a chance," counters Buffy. "We'll fight her. When we have a chance. You wouldn't last five minutes with her, Willow. She's a god." I know why Buffy wouldn't want to launch an attack on Glory at that exact moment, but what sort of "chance" is she waiting for? She won't have any more ammunition against Glory tomorrow than she has today. She's acting as if she ordered Defeating A Hell God In Five Easy Steps off the Internet and is just holding off until pesky UPS can deliver the package. Willow seems to take this to heart and softly says that she'll wait. She turns and walks out, brushing off Buffy's offer of sympathy in favor of spending time alone.
Der Zauber Kasten. Willow bursts in at a dead run, and I'm surprised Giles has any inventory left whatsoever the way he seemingly leaves his shop unlocked when unattended. Idiot. Willow lopes across the sales floor and up to the loft. She pulls all manner of books and potions off the shelves until she find the volume she needs, oh-so-conveniently labeled Darkest Magick. She breaks a lock off the cover of the book, and the pages begin to turn in an mysterious wind.
Glory is descending the staircase in her apartment, prattling on about how buzzed she is from sucking Tara's brain. She's interrupted by an impromptu sort of earthquake, and then Willow bursts through the door floating all Fairuza Balk in The Craft. Um. Y'know. It's not really an homage if you rip off a movie that sucks. In that case, it's just pathetic. Willow chants something at Glory, and her eyes turn into twin pools of jet black to indicate bad mojo. The spell binds Glory in place and Willow snarls, "I. Owe. You. Pain" before letting go with the lightning.
At the caves, it's Buffy's turn to reassure Dawn that she isn't to blame for the situation. Dawn asks after Willow, and Buffy tells her that she was out for revenge, but through the powerful and affecting words of Buffy Summers, Willow saw the error of her ways. Because if you remember incorrectly, Willow has never tried to solve her problems with magic when she's in pain. Spike brings up essentially the same point. Buffy reasons that it would be "like suicide." Spike sort of shrugs and says that if he really cared about someone, the futility of the mission wouldn't stop him. Uh huh. I see a tragic end in Spike's future. Buffy sits there like a stump, stupefied. "Buffy, if someone had done that to me," begins Dawn, and Buffy, with an "oh shit" look on her face, is up and out the door before Dawn can finish her sentence.
"Shatter!" commands Willow, and shards of glass from a nearby mirror fly towards Glory and cut through her. "Is that it? Is that the best you can do?" demands Glory, but it's not really clear if she's talking to Willow or the special-effects crew. Glory backhands Willow, sending her flying, and Willow counters with a flurry of daggers. Glory easily knocks them out of the air while Will gears up another spell. Glory throws a table at Willow, knocking her to the floor, but she manages to conjure a snake, which wraps itself around Glory's leg. Glory quickly shakes it off, and it disappears in a puff of smoke. She strides over and grabs Willow's chin in her hands, saying, "This is getting weak. And so are you, honey." In response, Willow hawks an impressive loogie at Glory's face. Behold the power of spit! Glory grabs Willow with one hand and a wicked-looking knife with the other, and is about to impale Willow when Buffy enters the apartment. She and Glory fight, and the only thing that makes this scene remotely worth watching is the amusement it brings to see the incredible expanding Buffy. Seriously. The stunt double is soooo obvious. Funhouse-mirror obvious. Buffy shoves a couch at Glory and goes to collect Willow. Oh, that's going to hold her. Even I with my non-godly powers could manage to extricate myself from the nefarious grasp of oversized furniture. Which Glory does. "Thicken," cants Willow in Glory's direction, and the screen goes all wavy to indicate that Glory is trapped at least long enough for Willow and Buffy to escape.
Establishing shot of UC Sunnydale. Willow, Buffy, Tara, and Dawn are taking a break from packing up Tara's room. Buffy passes out sandwiches. Tara is still crazy. Willow feeds her applesauce, and Dawn offers to help. Yes, I'm sure this is all supposed to be terribly touching, but I've got a million more things to do today and have no time for emotion. Exposition about Tara's condition -- she's heavily sedated, and crazy as junebug most times but completely normal at others. Tara weaves her head back and forth as acting shorthand for being a few words short of a full spell. Willow announces that she's going to take care of Tara from now on, because "she's [Willow's] girl." Buffy reaches out to stroke Dawn's tresses and expresses understanding. "I know you do," states Willow, thus bonding or something with Buffy, although taking care of your mentally disabled girlfriend is different enough from protecting your little sister to make the comparison a little ooky. Hey, I wonder if everyone's magical illusions of knowing Dawn would fall away if her head were shaved. Do not underestimate the power of good hair. Willow babbles something to Tara in such a schmaltzy voice that I'm not going to bother transcribing it, and kisses her on the forehead. Just then, Glory rips the side of the building off. Tara freaks out, and when Dawn reassures her, she points to Dawn, saying, "Look at that! The light! Such pure green energy." Glory flashes a toothy and frightening smile. Buffy looks worried.
Damn! No RV? I've been on pins and needles all week to see how Buffy would manage to look so coiffed whilst having to shower and primp in a space the size of a broom closet.