Intervention

Previously on Buffy, I, uh, started my Tivo a few seconds late, so I might have missed a few scenes. But no worries, because these previouslys go on forever. Anyway, Glory pulls a face; Dawn is the Key; dopey Ben refuses to help Glory, but spills the beans about the Key being human; Glory pulls out her hair; dream-Spike smooches dream-Buffy, and then Spike wakes up; Spike declares his love to a chained-up Buffy; April throws Spike through a window; the Scoobies agree that April is a robot; Warren says he made April to be a girlfriend; Spike places the infamous order for the Buffybot with Warren; Buffy finds Joyce dead; they have the funeral; Buffy spends a few moments that night with Angel and worries about tomorrow. Sheesh, that was long and rather muddled.

Let me get this out of the way right now. I do not want to write this recap. Really. I'd rather have to recap a thousand episodes like "The Body" than the steaming pile of crap Joss and Co. has served up this week. In fact, you can sense my level of desperation from my attempt at bribing Ace .

Sep: Please. I can't do it. I'll give you two hundred dollars and my leopard print Doc Martens and I'll recap any future Riley shagging scenes, should they occur.
Ace: Hmmm. Okay. But we all know Riley isn't getting any more action.
Sep: Never mind. Now that I can look at it from the angle that I'm saving two hundred bucks and keeping my super-cool footwear, I think I can struggle through.
Ace: You are strange and off-putting.
Sep: Very.

Buffy, Dawn, and Giles are in the Summers's kitchen. Buffy is washing dishes, and Giles is helping to dry. He apparently cooked dinner for them too. A guy who both cooks and helps with the dishes afterwards is welcome at my house any time. Buffy sends Dawn to find any stray plates that might be in her room. After Dawn leaves the room, Giles asks Buffy how Dawn is doing; Buffy's reply is a silent look. She then claims to be doing "okay" herself, and Giles tries to assure her things will get better. He suggests that Buffy begin training again, but she seems very reluctant. As she walks into the living room, she says she wants to "ease off" slaying and training for awhile. She thanks Giles for all his help with training, but admits she feels "uneasy" about slaying. She feels that it is making her "hard," turning her "into stone." Giles seems very concerned by this confession and tries to reassure her, but Buffy launches into some self-recriminations about not being there for Rileycakes and making him leave and being mean to Dawn, even before the death of Joyce. Buffy's eyes get huge and wet as she worries that her mother didn't know how much Buffy loved her. Giles tells her with great compassion and gentleness, "She knew," and comes to lay his hand on her shoulder. "Maybe being the perfect Slayer means being too hard to love at all," Buffy worries. She feels strange saying the word "love" and then burst out with, "Giles, I love you. Love, love, love, love. love! Giles -- it feels strange." "I shouldn't wonder," says Giles, a little tartly. Hee. He sits and asks how serious Buffy is about the emotions she's expressing. She's very serious, so he suggests a quest he's read about in the Watcher diaries. Buffy worries about leaving Dawn, but Dawn enters the room and maturely tells Buffy she should go, if it will help her out. Buffy looks touched and tells Dawn she loves her. Dawn responds in kind, and the sisters hug.

Spike and Warren at Warren's parents' house. "Some say it's better than the real thing," ogles Spike. As Warren nervously echoes him, we see the object of their attention. It's the Buffybot, and we get a slow pan up from her ugly black pumps, along her legs (disturbingly clad in suntan color hose -- Buffy would never wear those shoes or those pantyhose! And considering what she has worn, that's saying something!), past a below-the-knee pink pleated skirt, darker pink blouse, and black leather coat, to her face. Her eyes are closed. Spike suggests the robot be put through some paces, but Warren, frantically stuffing books in a bag, assures him that the 'bot is fine. Apparently, she has "all the extra programming" and the "special skills" Spike requested. Um, ew! Warren tries to make for the door, but Spike grabs him, unsure about the 'bot because she looks too plastic. Um, duh! At this moment the 'bot's eyes fly open, and she joyously chirps, "Spike? Oh, Spike!" She grabs him and gives him a big sloppy kiss. Warren flees, and Spike declares, "She'll do."

Back from commercial to Glory. Sigh. Her Ineffectiveness lounges on a sofa, bitching about losing control of Ben while Not-Dreg and the most drippy minion yet, One-Million-Light-Years-From-Dreg, try to reassure her of -- something. This crap is filler and we all know it, right? Glory runs her bitchy trap about being "screwed" and bemoans her status as an exiled god. Not-Dreg says the minions will lay down their lives to help (not exactly a newsflash for anyone in the viewing audience), and Glory decides on a course of action. She tells the minions to watch the Slayer and report back about everyone in her life.

Buffy and Giles drive his red convertible through the desert. Looks like Joshua Tree National Park or thereabouts. They both appear to be wearing attractive brown suede coats, and I sigh with envy. Giles opens the trunk to get out supplies; Buffy wonders if he has "food, water, maybe a compass," but he informs her that he actually only brought "a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs." Humph. Not desert hiking gear at all! One would think that whatever training Watchers go through would at least bring them up to the level of your average Boy Scout, but apparently not. As they walk away from the car, Giles explains that he has to "perform a ritual to transfer" his guardianship of Buffy to a guide. The guide will then lead her to the Sacred Space of Slayerly Navel-Gazing. During the following scene, I get a little distracted trying to figure out if Sarah Michelle has grown a third pointy breast right above her sternum. I eventually decide it must actually be her mic showing through her sweater, and then I have to rewind the scene to actually transcribe the action. They share a little banter, and then Giles explains the ritual: "I uh, jump out of the circle, and then I jump back in it and then, I shake my gourd." Buffy teases him about the hokey-pokey and stays to watch as Giles, with much eye-rolling, does his jumping and gourd-shaking. "And that's what it's all about," she intones.

Spike and the Buffybot in his crypt. They circle each other, and Spike taunts the 'bot about searching for a weak spot in his defenses. The 'bot then rushes him, stake upheld, but is easily caught and encircled in his arms. He asks if that's the best she can do, and she sincerely (and vapidly) replies, "No. I -- I want to hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body." SMG really is doing a great imitation of the actress who played April playing a robot in "I Was Made To Love You." Either that or she is that vapid. Your call. Spike: Should I let you go? 'Bot: Oh no! And so on. "You're very, very bad," bubbles the 'bot, and then suddenly tosses Spike onto the tomb in his crypt, which has been made up like a bed. She leaps on top of him and holds the point of her stake against his chest. Spike is obviously aroused and leers, "You gonna do it that way?" His leering turns to panting as the Buffybot responds by tearing his shirt open and pressing the stake against his heart. But apparently she's "helpless against" him, so she lays the stake down. He then rolls her off onto the floor and lands on top, kissing her and breathing, "Buffy." Spike then moves down the 'bot's body off-screen, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Sigh. One of the many, many problems I have with this episode is that the 'bot is decidedly not Buffy, and since Spike seems so satisfied with her, it just proves to me that whatever it is that he's attracted to certainly isn't the essence of Buffy.

Desert. Giles sits inside his circle and reads an incantation out of the book he brought. As he reads, we see Buffy walking. Some very sloppy editing attempts to create the illusion that a large puma appears where Buffy had just looked and seen nothing. The cat begins to pace through the desert, and Buffy follows. I have to admit, I sort of like the music playing in this scene, although it reminds me of the Gladiator score. Buffy follows the puma to a rock overlooking a vast, flat swath of desert, spotted with Joshua trees. "I know this place," she muses as she sits on the rock of Slayerly Navel-Gazing and scans the horizon.

Tara, Xander, Anya, and Dawn are at Xander's place. Tara finishes up a warning spell and then gets to blather some exposition about what a great witch Willow is and how her skills are really improving. Anya takes off her earrings and lays them on a side table. Talk about Anya and Xander patrolling in the background as we see Dawn get up and swipe Anya's earrings. Huh. She then asks the Scoobies about getting pizza, and we see that one of Glory's crusty minions is lurking outside the window.

Slow pan through Spike's crypt. Spike and the sexbot are lying together on the floor under a sheet. "You're evil," blathers the 'bot. "It excites me, it terrifies me. I try so hard to resist you and I can't. Darn your sinister attraction!" Right. Sinister. You already said that. "Are you afraid of me?" asks Spike. Um, yeah, covered that ground already. "Yes!" replies the Buffybot, with a huge and not-at-all-afraid grin. Spike, his hair all tousled and curly, whispers that he can't bite the 'bot, but she replies that he can if she lets him. And that she wants him to. He gently bites her neck and the 'bot burbles, "Spike, I can't help myself. I love you!" But then she ruins the mood by simpering, "Should I start this program over?" Spike is distressed and tells her to "just be Buffy." The 'bot grins like a sun-addled monkey. I have a little life advice for Spike that came to me in a conversation with Ace, in which we were discussing the best snack food in the entire known universe and probably all those new planets they just discovered as well: Pirate's Booty.

Sep: So there I was. At Trader Joe's, and boom. No Booty to be had. And you know my dedication to all things snack.
Ace: I feel your pain. The other night I was at TJ's and they had all these different kinds of Booty from Fruit Booty to Vegetable Booty, but not the Booty that I wanted.
Sep: Yargh. That blows.
Ace: Snerk. So anyway. Ash asked me if I wanted to get one of the other varieties, but I just felt that if I couldn't have the Booty that I wanted, it was better to have no Booty at all.
Sep: Dude. That's deep. And also would have saved me much pain and humiliation in my early twenties.

Willow exits a class, nagging some random guy about not messing up the notes she's lending him. She walks down an alley, and a Michael Bolton-esque minion follows her.

Spike is asleep in his crypt. The 'bot is bouncing about, getting dressed. "Time to slay!" she perks with determination. Spike mumbles in his sleep. The 'bot exits the crypt.

In the desert, Giles sips some tea and studies the sky. Buffy sits on her rock. The wind blows.

Speaking of blowing, we see the Buffybot patrolling in a graveyard. She spots Xander and Anya and cheerily greets them. Through her eyes, we see descriptions of Xander (friend, carpenter, dates Anya) and Anya (dates Xander, likes money, ex-demon.) The 'bot's read-out also features three major folders, entitled "slaying," "locate Spike," and "make Spike happy." Xander and Anya comment on Buffy being back early and inquire after her "vision quest." "I don't understand that question, but thank you for asking. You are my friend -- and a carpenter," burps the 'bot. Xander asks if "Buffy" is okay, but I'm thinking he should have been tipped off to "robot" right there. Spike gallops up. "It's Spike! And he's wearing the coat," drools the 'bot. She attempts to take Spike's hand, but he jerks away and babbles about patrolling and Buffy being back early. How did he even know she was going anywhere? I can't think of a single explanation. The 'bot again tries to take his arm, and Spike tries to pass it off as if she had dealt a painful blow. Xander and Anya stand and look stump-stupid. They might as well be wearing dunce caps. Spike dissembles that the cemetery is "crawling with vamps," but his lie proves true as three vampires attack the group. Xander suddenly has the power of hand-to-hand combat; I guess he gets a plus-four to hit against undead in Buffy's absence or something, and fights quite well. Anya circles him and eventually dusts the vamp he was fighting. Meanwhile, the 'bot is fighting and chirping that Spike should be careful. A few bumpy minions watch from the bushes. After the fight, "Buffy" tells Anya and Xander, "Spike and I will do it alone. You guys head home." Somehow, by "it," I don't think she means patrolling. Sigh. Xander and Anya wander off. The little scene takes the yuck to an all new level by demonstrating that the poor 'bot is programmed to be unsatisfied and hungry for Spiking after slaying.