Triangle

Hugs and kisses to my sister, Sep, and JWG, who all conspired to make my week in the Bay Area fun, fun, fun.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to recap this episode off a tape with no sound. Please excuse any inaccuracies with the dialog as I'm working solely off the closed captioning.

Previously on Buffy: a monk croaked, but not before telling Buffy that Dawn was the key; Buffy's mom came through her tiny pore surgery okay; Spike tipped Buffy off that Riley was paying vampires to suck hisarm; Buffy and Riley had words; Riley left Sunnydale.

Xander's happening new pad. He and Anya lie in bed, naked, and for some reason, instead of any of the fun things a guy could do with a naked and willing girlfriend, Xander wants to talk about how much he misses the Big Spud. Xander hasn't quite gotten used to Riley's absence (I have. And how!) and refers to the Spudster's current location as the "central republic of where-in-the-hell." I don't know why I quoted that -- it's not actually very funny. Let's just say that not being able to actually hear this episode has thrown me off my game. Anya tells Xander she wants a warning if he ever leaves, and reveals that she's been watching a few too many Mission Impossible-type moves by demanding that Xander's warning come in the form of a "big bomb clock." They smile at each other and cuddle. "Maybe it's her," muses Anya, hoping that she and Xander won't break up because what happened between Buffy and Riley can all be blamed on Buffy. Anya makes the obligatory reference to her former life as a vengeance demon, but Xander defends Buffy, saying that break-ups haven't been all her fault. He wonders how she's dealing with this one. Well, Xander, since you were all Mr. McNoseypants into Buffy's relationship last episode, maybe this episode you could muster up enough energy to, I don't know, call her on the phone and ask how she's doing?

Convent. Nuns in wimples walk hither and yon. We see only the back of one nun, who has a large, over-processed blonde curl sticking out of her wimple. Hoo haw! We're supposed to think that Buffy is dealing with her break-up by joining a nunnery. And maybe if we were among the few lost tribes of the Amazon, who recently only got electricity and haven't quite saved up the cash to purchase a TV for the village, we'd fall for it. A vampire slams into the nun and spins her around, and of course, she isn't Buffy. The Slayer in question is quick upon the scene, however, and sporting a flashy pink satin blouse. Pink satin, for when nothing but the very loudest will do for killing vampires! I had a shirt like that -- in 1997. Someone tell the Fashion Nazi that four years isn't old enough to be considered retro. Buffy and the vampires fight in one of this season's characteristic fight scenes: graceless and choppy, with too many close-ups and quick cuts. Of course Buffy dusts the vamp in the end, and approaches the nun who is cowering on the ground. Buffy helps her up and starts to grill her about nunliness and "abjuring the company of men." Hoo. Haw. Buffy's blouse is pulling and gapping across her chest. Maybe if the WB coughs up more money to pay Fox Studios for Buffy, some of it will trickle down, and SMG will be able to wear shirts that fit.

Credits. I get out my Buffy CD so I don't have to miss the kicking theme. This soundless recapping ain't easy. Except for the fact that I won't have to be subjected to Mr. Wanker's banal soundtrack noodlings. Hmmm, maybe things are looking up.

Buffy and Giles are training in Der Zauber Kasten's gym facility. Giles is wearing round pads on his hands and is critiquing the punches Buffy is throwing at them. Sep and I have some critiques of Buffy's punches too, but I think Sep covered those in her last recap. As Buffy flails away, they discuss Giles going to the Watcher's Council for help with the Glory problem. Do you think I'll get a chance to make a Glory-hole joke this season? Ew, I grossed myself out. Tra la. Giles gets a little blissful just thinking about the CoW's main library and oh, how I love a man who loves books. Buffy apparently doesn't feel the same way about books, so she decks Giles really hard in the shoulder. Bitch. Buffy grills Giles about what he's going to tell the CoW, and he assures her that although he'll have to discuss Glory looking for the key, he'll not mention the identity of said key. Buffy doesn't trust the Watchers; Giles sees no alternative. Blathercakes. Giles makes a nonsensical reference to going to the Initiative for help if they still existed (um, wasn't it very clear that they had no interest in research of supernatural events, especially including those that "pre-date the written word" or whatever theory Tara came up with about Glory episodes ago?), and then mentions Riley. Buffy looks sad but assures Giles that she'll be okay about the break-up. He's sorry to leave her while she's feeling down, but she encourages him to go. I was going to ask why Giles can't just call the CoW and ask them to do the research, but then I remembered that they're a big bunch of boobies. If I was in Giles's shoes, I guess I might want to keep a close eye on them myself.

Front room, Der Zauber Kasten. The Scoobs are all gathered to discuss Giles's trip to England, displaying their usual nonchalance about stray customers overhearing their business. Giles is tying a silver tie, which combined with his blue pinstriped shirt is just about as ugly as the Zauber Kasten set. I still haven't been able to put my finger on what bugs me about this set so much, but I do know it's ugly. Anya is excited about the chance to run the shop, but Giles dithers about how difficult the task will be. Tara, looking lovely (except for the reefs and shoals of blue glitter eyeshadow), offers that a trip to England sounds "exciting and exotic. [pause] Unless you're English." Buffy and Willow are also eager to help out in the shop, which makes Anya uncomfortable. You know, seeing as so much of her new human identity revolves around her ability to...snooooore. Uh, oh, sorry, I put myself to sleep there. Now that I'm awake again, I've noticed that Willow is wearing a disturbing choker made of an O-ring and two pieces of chain. The O-ring is centered right over the front of her throat as if to say, "Poke here for maximum larynx crushage." Anya wants to run the shop alone, but Giles reminds her that dealing with customers takes finesse. "I've got finesse!" Anya protests. "I've got finesse coming out of my bottom." I think I had that one time too, after eating some bad seafood.

Willow again assures Giles they'll all help; Anya is irked, and she and Willow bicker, using Xander as their conduit. Sigh. This will get old quickly, even without sound. Attempting to deflect the unwanted attention Xander asks Buffy, "So, how goes the slaying?" Buffy offers that she killed something in a convent the night before, to which Xander quips, "In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction." Buffy admits the slaying was routine but, "Oh! But I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple." Xander: "Okay, now we're back to frightening."

Summers home. Night. Buffy finds her mom dressed, and she and Dawn tease her about finally getting out of her bathrobe. I'm always happy to see Joyce, but the horizontal stripes she's wearing in this scene are not her friends. Dawn and Buffy leave her to get some rest. Buffy enters her bedroom and Dawn tags along behind, asking if she can hang out. She looks over Buffy's mirror and notes that she's taken down her pictures of Riley. Approving of the decision, Dawn says, "I think I would've done that sooner. Like, boom, don't wanna see that face again." Buffy protests that she was never angry with Riley. Liar! Buffy, your pants are sooo on fire. She then admits that "that's a lie" -- thank god, because I don't think I could stand that kind of revisionism occurring between contiguous episodes. Strangely, she then says, "But it's not like I didn't want to see his face," which leaves me confused as to why she took down his pictures. Buffy and Dawn discuss the fact that Buffy's friends have told her Riley's leaving was "gradual," and that she feels bad for not noticing things were wrong with him. Oh barf. Riley and Buffy's break-up is even more annoying than their relationship. I think it's natural for Buffy to feel guilty, but I don't think it's right. Riley never told her about his deeper problems, and besides, her mother had a freakin' brain tumor. Buffy explains to Dawn that the break-up, or Riley's leaving, or her not noticing that he had problems, or something, "hurts in all kinds of horrible ways." For the love of Mike, let this scene be over soon. Dawn puts her head in Buffy's lap, and as Buffy strokes her hair she assures Dawn that the pain of break-ups does eventually go away. Then she sadly muses, "Maybe he'll come back. Maybe he'll hate the jungle or maybe he'll want to give it another try." Or maybe he'll want to get a life that has some depth and doesn't entirely revolve around you, Buffy. Who knows? Stranger things have happened.

Like this scene, which features Spike in his crypt, holding a large beribboned box of chocolates. He's giving a sincere (that's my reading, sans sound) little speech to an unseen person: "Um, there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place." As the camera revolves around Spike and he continues to explain that he was only trying to help the Slayer, we see that he's actually addressing his Buffy stand-in, the mannequin. As he talks, his anger and frustration grow and in his, uh, interior monologue, the Buffyquin is being "dead petty" about the whole thing. Yelling (I guess), "You ungrateful bitch!" he slams the Buffyquin over the head with the box of chocolates, toppling her from her pedestal (ooh, significant symbolism?). Upon my first watching I found this both rather funny and very, very disturbing. Spike's trying, but dude, he's evil. And very angry. Spikes sighs and gathers himself together, replacing the Buffyquin and smoothing her hair. He retrieves the chocolates and tries again: "Buffy, there's something I wanted to tell you."

The ugly set. Tara, Willow, and Anya are all behind the counter. As Anya looks over receipts, Tara and Willow are gathering supplies. I know I've been talking too much about the fashion in this episode, mostly because my whole experience of it has been visual, but Willow's jacket here takes the large and unsavory Bad Fashion Cake. She's got on a Be-Dazzled jeans jacket, and as if the copious amount of studs adorning it weren't bad enough, it also has 3/4 length bell-sleeves, and she wearing a much longer-sleeved shirt underneath. Awful and wrong, just like when Xander wears long-sleeved T-shirts under short-sleeved Hawaiian shirts. Willow discusses one of the magic ingredients she's handling, explaining she tried to use it to de-rat Amy. It didn't work, but she feels Amy is now smarter and peers at Willow like "she's planning something." Anya realizes the witches are helping themselves to supplies from the store and comes over to bitch. Tara explains that they're working on a project to give Buffy a "floating ball of sunlight" to fight vamps. Agitated, Anya complains some more, and Willow accuses her of being like the mood-killing fish in The Cat in the Hat. Will we never come to the commercial break? Since she has no twentieth-century childhood to speak of, Anya is distressed by the witches' little Dr. Suess in-jokes. Commence bickering between Anya and Willow about stealing and whether Giles would be okay with it. I'm so glad I don't have to listen to this. This way I can just close my eyes and pretend these scenes never happened. Willow offers to teach Anya a few tricks, but Anya doesn't fall for this distraction, labeling it "peer pressure." Just to annoy us all and drag the scene out a little more, Willow shows off by floating various products around the store. Poor Xander chooses this inopportune moment to show up and once again ends up right in the middle of the argument. As Xander hides behind Tara for protection from the nagging, Willow accidentally vanishes the cash register. Remember how Willow used to be a brainy hacker chick who helped out the gang by using skills that none of the others had? Well, now she's a buffoon who hinders her friends with skills possessed by just about everybody else in the gang. Nice character development, huh? I'm going to run through the rest of the scene this real fast: Anya is upset, and Willow brings back the cash register, but messed up. Willow mocks Anya by stating, "I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services." Xander and Tara look like they'd rather be elsewhere. I feel that, my friends. Xander gets smart and bails. Tara catches a clue, and, telling Willow and Anya they have things to work out, leaves as well.