We begin in the waiting room of Sunnydale Memorial. Dawn is napping with her head on Buffy's lap. Riley sits beside her, wearing a gray turtleneck to cover up the scars on his neck. Giles approaches the duo nervously and wonders if he can get them anything. They decline. Meanwhile, Willow and Xander, seated to each act all fidgety and banter about the time. Everyone's nervous. Got it? Buffy is worried that Joyce's surgery is taking too long, but Riley does a good job of reassuring her that it probably means the doctors have been able to excise the tumor. In the distance, Buffy catches sight of Dr. Doom, who has a really funny mushroom-head in his scrubs. He doesn't at all look like he's been performing brain surgery for the last few hours. Not a speck of blood. Buffy rouses Dawn and stands expectantly while the doctor approaches and evil Marti Noxon makes us wait through the credits.
We're back, and the doctor tells Buffy that the operation was a big success. Yay! Everyone hugs everyone else except Xander and Giles, who engage in a man hug. You know, they pat each other's biceps and backs effusively. But they can't hide their overjoyed grins. Buffy thanks the doctor and surprises him with a rib-cracking hug.
Over at Xander's new digs -- which will be known as the Non-basement of Non-debasement, at least until I can come up with a catchier name -- Xander, Dawn, and Anya sit near the remains of what once was Chinese takeout. Dawn tells an adorable anecdote from her childhood involving her running around with chop sticks in her mouth like vampire fangs while Buffy would give chase and pretend to stake her. Aw. How nice of the monks to plant such charming fake memories. You can't beat that old-world craftsmanship, I'm telling you. Xander clears away the containers and asks Dawn what she'd like to do now, "keeping in mind that [he] won't chase [her] because [he] is old and stuffed full of Moo Goo Gai starch." Heh. Xander suggests a movie. At the mention of a chimp-playing-hockey movie, Anya becomes excited. "That's hilarious. The ice is so slippery and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this." I totally agree. Monkeys are comedy gold. Dawn doesn't want to see it because it looks sad, and I for one would really like to know how one goes about making a sad movie about a chimp who plays hockey. Monkey + Ice = Laughter. Maybe the chimp has a brain tumor? I guess a terminally ill chimp would be pretty sad. But it might lack a bit of punch since monkeys aren't exactly aware of their own mortality. ["I beg to differ; I sobbed all the way through Project X." -- Sars] Sorry. Back to Buffy. Xander tells Dawn that she gets to choose the movie since it's her celebratory night. Anya tries to swing the odds in her favor by whispering, "Go monkey. Choose monkey." Heh. Dawn protests that she doesn't care, since the only reason she's at Xander's is because Buffy and Riley need time alone, "which always translates to 'get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud obnoxious sex.'" Count your blessings, sister.
Because I for one have to sit through it. Back at the Summers', Buffy and Riley stand in the candlelit living room, swaying slowly to the music. At Riley's mention of impending seduction, I find myself focusing on the wooden crate that I can't see but that I'm sure that SMG is standing on, since she appears a mere (potato) head shorter than Riley. Okay. So they kiss. Riley compliments Buffy's fortitude in the face of adversity: "You never even cried." Buffy corrects him that she cried "so hard [she] didn't think [she'd] be able to stop," and rests her head on his shoulder. Riley clenches his jaw, because how dare Buffy…I mean, it was so selfish for Buffy to…er. How could Buffy be so insensitive as to…oh, heck. I can't justify it either. They kiss some more, and then we fade out and pan up on SMG's overly oiled leg. She and Riley are…um…wow! The hollow in SMG's throat when she makes her gasping-fish orgasm face is so deep. You could lose your keys in there. Okay, whew! Now I'm out of the woods as we hop outside to see Spike smoking outside by the stalker tree. He's gazing dolefully up at Buffy's window, fully aware of the goings on within. Back inside, Riley and Buffy are entwined and sleeping peacefully until Buffy rolls away from him. He notices and clenches his jaw, upset that even in sleep Buffy turns away from him. I can't even comment on how much this pisses me off. So he gets up and slips out the front door. Spike notices from his place near the stalker tree as Riley walks down the street. Spike follows him. Riley walks past a chain link fence and then not even a SECOND later Spike comes into the frame. And Graham is the one who got a D in covert ops? Spike is so close behind Riley that he could reach out and tap him on the shoulder. Couldn't they have just waited two seconds? Nope, we have to conserve as much time as possible for the extended remix of the Buffy heartache marathon. Spike stays behind the fence and watches as Riley enters a nondescript building.
The morning, Joyce is gazing at her reflection in the mirror. Now I know why Dr. Doom looked like he had just come in from a costume party. Joyce has the teensiest tiniest little gauze bandage that has a mere hint of fake blood on it. It looks like they could have used one of those useless weenie Band-Aids to cover her brain surgery scar. Did they remove her tumor through a freakin' pore or something? Buffy tries to sell her mom on a wig, but I really don't see why Joyce needs a wig; it doesn't even look like they shaved her head. Joyce tries to change the subject and tells Buffy that she should go relax with Riley. Buffy tells her that she sent Riley off to go hang with his friends. Huh? Riley has friends? Since when? "Besides," Buffy continues, "I'm sure he'll come over later looking for a little…bible study," she hastily corrects herself. "Good," says Joyce with a small smile, "just as long as the two of you are spending some quality time…with the Lord." Bwa ha ha!
So now we're in a cheap hotel room with a bunch of military guys that are in no way the Initiative. In fact, they're the INot!tiative. Although I'd really like to know what branch of the military operates out of Motel 6. A transmission comes through, and Graham monotones to another black-outfitted military guy that there's a nest of demons in Belize that needs taking care of. The senior guy flatlines to Graham that he should get the men ready, and Graham suggests that they try to recruit Riley.
Buffy lies snuggled in her bed when the door to her room is opened by Spike. She stirs and asks, "Riley?" Upon discovery of Spike, Buffy bolts up and delivers mandatory threat number one. Spike retorts, "I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual I'm here to help you and are you naked under there?" Buffy delivers mandatory threat number two. Spike's tone grows serious as he tells her that "I want to show you something. You need to see this." Buffy sighs in irritation and then gives Spike a look until he turns around. He protests, "Oh please, like I give a bloody damn," but it's clear from the expression on his face that being so close to a naked Buffy is absolute torture.
Spike leads Buffy to the same nondescript building we saw Riley entering earlier. Buffy looks around with a confused expression, but follows Spike up the stairs. He holds the door for her. Aw. Somebody must have raised him right. He's already a lot more polite than the last guy I went out with. Hmmm. If I am looking to Spike as a model of good comportment, perhaps I ought to reconsider my choice of dates. Inside, we see it's very dirty and shabby, with mattresses and debris all over the place. In the background, there are a whole bunch of people engaging in some sort of transaction. Spike lets us know that some of them are vampires by saying, "Don't start slaying. This isn't what we're here for." He wiggles an eyebrow at the staircase, and they ascend. Upstairs, there's more crud strewn about. Buffy looks apprehensive and stops until Spike nods at a nearby ajar door. She pushes through to find a shirtless Riley, half in shadow, with a vamp girl sucking on his arm. "Harder," he growls at her. Buffy makes that funny little noise from the preview. Cracks me up every time I hear it. Did Spike poke her in the kidney or something?
Riley catches sight of Buffy right before she turns tail and runs out of the Bordello of Blood. She bounds down the stairs, viciously pushing aside a vampire who stands in her path. Spike is hot on her heels. Outside, Buffy stops at the end of the stairs to gather herself. "I thought you should know," explains Spike. Buffy shoots him such a pained look before running off in the alley that it melts his cold black heart, and he feels whatever the vampire equivalent of compassion is. Back inside, Riley has put his shirt on and is rushing downstairs after Buffy.
Back at home, Buffy enters her room and then leans against the door, looking shell-shocked.
Riley enters his abode, and when he flicks on a light, we see the members of the INot!tiative standing behind him. The senior guy monotones that they need to talk with Riley, but Riley isn't really in the mood. Graham pressures him to at least listen, and the senior guy flatlines about the demons in Belize. Riley protests that he's a civilian, but the senior guy assures Riley that they're "not the Initiative." Well, duh! I called them the INot!tiative two whole pages ago. Graham mumbles something about them being Army, "just like [Riley]," and I seem to remember Riley telling Fuffy last season that he was a Marine. Whatever. I'm just relieved that I've figured out that seniority in this "army" is based on a lack of tonal variety. That explains how Graham was able to advance so quickly through the ranks of a branch of the military he wasn't even a member of six months ago. The INot!tiative guy needles Riley about his lack of purpose as a civilian, then tells him that they're shipping out at midnight tomorrow and the choice is his.
Magic Box. I'm so sick of my inability to come up with a catchy name for this set. Please excuse me while I retreat further into my German heritage (where no one expects you to be creative, merely precise) and call it simply Der Zauber Kasten. It's cool 'cause it's foreign. Trust me. Giles is fixing a banner reminding the customers of the upcoming holidays. Including Gurachnar's Ascension. HA! Is that a Canadian holiday? Giles dryly remarks that he is "no longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization, [he's] a purveyor of it." Anya unpacks some new stock and suggests a chickens' feet holiday promotion. Willow and Giles gently mock Anya's idea, which sets her off. "I've been very good for this store," she snarks. "If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself." Yawn. This scene is boring me. Anya is upset because she thinks everyone takes her for granted, Xander is upset at his girlfriend for harshing on the rest of the gang, and finally we're interrupted by Buffy. She wants the gang to research the Bordello of Blood. Anya and Giles are already familiar with the concept. Buffy climbs into the saddle of her moral high horse and gets upset that Giles knew about these houses of swill repute but never told her about them. She vows that she's going to shut them down, and strides purposefully to a weapons chest that is just sitting right there in the store. Good god! It's not even locked. I really wish the writers would remember that there tend to be actual customers with grubby little inquisitive hands in most stores. Giles suggests that Buffy forget about the Bordello of Blood and focus on Glory. "Vampires are vampires. And my job description is pretty clear," snots Buffy. Oh yeah? They must have firmed that up since the time you were DATING ONE. And don't even get me started on the thorny issue that is Spike. Xander suggests that they make a plan and maybe wait around for Captain Generica, but at the mention of Riley's name, Buffy coldly says, "Back me up or not. I'm going." The rest of the gang follows her already retreating figure, leaving Anya to mind the store.
The Bordello of Blood is completely empty in the light of day. Xander suggests, "I guess everybody jumped shipped once the word got out that the Slayer found their crib." And then, "I just want to apologize for the use of the word 'crib.'" Heh. Buffy is overly agitated about losing the vamps. Willow and Xander reassure her that she'll get them time. In response, Buffy picks up the Coleman propane stove that someone left lit and flings it into the opposite wall where it sets the room ablaze. Eesh. Destruction of property? Very un-Buffy. The gang exchanges a look and then follows Buffy out. Is anyone going to call the fire department?
Cut to Spike's crypt. Riley bursts through the door and yanks Spike out of his chair, throwing him up against a wall. Spike warns Riley to be reasonable, but Riley growls that he "left reasonable about three exits back." Three exits, two feeder highways, a frontage road, and an interstate freeway back, maybe. I think when you glean major significance from your girlfriend's preferred sleeping position, reasonable is but a dim memory. Anyway, Riley pulls a gnarled stake out of his coat and plunges into Spike's chest.
Back from commercial, Spike is holding the stake and screaming, "Ow! Bloody hell." He does not, however, seem to have vanished into a cloud of dust. Riley pulls out the stake, and Spike holds his wound, a perplexed look on his face. "Plastic wood grain. It looks real, doesn't it?" snaps Riley by way of explanation. What the fucking fuck? Plastic wood grain? Is that some sort of vampire gag gift? Is there an entire service industry devoted to equipping vampire practical jokers? Do they also sell shampoo with holy water mixed in and miniscule little crucifixes for short-sheeting your buddy's coffin? Puh-lease. Actually, my sources tell me that this scene was devised to exploit Internet rumors that James Marsters was leaving the show mid-season. I hate that sort of pandering to the fans. Anyway, Riley then slaps Spike around a little more, telling him to stay away from Buffy or he'll really stake him time. Yeah, sure, that's what they all say. As Riley turns to leave, Spike gives a pained chuckle and mocks, "Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey." When Riley insists that Spike actually does have a jones for the Slayer, he admits, "Well -- yeah." Spike, already having gained the conversational upper hand over poor dim Riley, tells him that Riley would never be able to hold on to Buffy regardless of Spike's presence, and that Riley isn't the "long haul guy." Riley (say it with me!) clenches his jaw and looks guilty. Falling into his armchair, Spike further twists the knife, telling Riley that Buffy "needs some monster in her man" and that's not in Riley's nature. When you look at it objectively, Spike's argument is all over the place, but since he's giving Riley a hard time and he's so damn charming, I really don't care. Riley, for some unfathomable reason, has neither stormed out nor finished Spike off at this point, and instead incredulously and angrily asks Spike if he actually thinks he has a chance with Buffy. Er, I smell a bizarro male-bonding scene coming on. Fiddling with what looks like a bottle of cooking sherry, Spike, without his usual mocking tone, admits he doesn't think he has a chance with Buffy, but that he needs to try. He swigs from the bottle. Blech. Can't he go out and intimidate a 7-11 clerk into handing over something better than that? Impotent blather on both the studs' parts about killing each other, and Spike tosses Riley the bottle. Riley sits and partakes as Spike admits, "Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal." He refers to Riley being so close to Buffy but not actually having her, and then slips into a little reverie about doing the dirty tango with the Slayer, musing about being surrounded by her scent, before concluding, "No, you got the better deal." Riley looks around and then mutters, "I'm the lucky guy," but his body language and facial expression say the opposite.
In the training room at Der Zauber Kasten, Buffy pounds the crap out of a punching bag. Well, at least I'm assuming that's what the script called for. Without the benefit of special effects or stunt doubles, it's a lot more like Buffy throwing tiny, ineffectual punches with her little curled-up mouse hands. They should have given her a smaller bag, or gotten someone to shake the bag from above every time she hit it, because this just looks silly. Out in the store, Anya is looking over the day's receipts as she and Xander discuss Buffy's actions at the vampire nest earlier. He concludes that "something seriously bad" is going on with Buffy, and there's the mandatory "when I was a vengeance demon" reminiscence from Anya. Riley enters and asks the couple to clear out so he can be alone with Buffy. Xander seems to understand there's a confrontation in the offing, but Anya misses the clues and teases Riley about having a little "after-hours hanky-panky" with Buffy. Blah blah, vaulting horse TMI, blah blah. Xander herds her out, and when she proposes going to have sex, he gently turns her down, saying he has "some stuff to take care of."
In the training room, Buffy continues her tiny mouse punches. I wish she'd just quit already! Too much SMG, not enough Buffy. Riley enters and tells Buffy they need to talk. She doesn't want to, but he tells her, "Too bad," which just sets the whole tone for the debacle to follow. Buffy insists there's nothing to say and that nothing he can say will "make things better." She turns her back on him, and he paces across the room to grab her arms and turn her towards him. Um, hands off, scary out-of-control threatening boyfriend! Uh, except for the part where Buffy could kick his ass six ways to Sunday. But that still doesn't give him a right to get all Grabby McManhandling. He says he needs her to "hear him out," and she agrees but coldly tells him to remove his hand. Riley seems shocked at the depth of her anger and sighs, trying to marshal his thoughts. He tells her that the whole thing started as a "stupid immature game," wherein he was trying to "even the score" after Buffy "let" Dracula bite her. Oh boy! Where to start with the inaccuracies of this statement? I don't even know whether to blame them on Riley or the writers, and if I challenge every dumb thing Riley says this recap won't be finished until 2001. So, okay, he was drinking in Willy's bar long before he let Sandy bite him, it really didn't look like a "game" when he did, and plus, Buffy didn't let Dracula bite her. Which actually is exactly what Buffy replies.
Riley continues to explain, saying he wanted to understand what she saw in Angel and Dracula; he wanted to understand her. Well, Dracula had her in his thrall, and blood-sucking was never a component of Angel and Buffy's relationship, you big stupid spud. How about that for an answer? Riley admits that the whole situation is his fault and there's a moment where reconciliation could occur, but then he begins to explain that these "girls," which Buffy modifies to "vampires. Killers," made him "feel something" he didn't know he was missing. Buffy is disgusted and turns away, but he insists she listen. "Fine, fine. Tell me about your whores! Tell me what on Earth they were giving you that I can't," she snaps.
There's a long explanation that boils down to Riley basically feeling that the vampires needed him, and he craved that. Buffy realizes that she doesn't make Riley feel that way and defensively insists that he isn't a "passion" to the vampires, he's a "snack." Riley tries to insist that he can know what the vampires feel for him, because that's what he feels about Buffy. Um, I think he's projecting. A lot. The conversation continues, with Buffy claiming he can't tell her how she feels and him saying she never let him in, never relied on him. Now, finally, we're getting to the actual problems between them. Too bad Riley clouded the issue with all his whoring around. Buffy insists that she can't rely on him because she's the Slayer, and says she gave him her "heart, [her] body and soul." Riley doesn't feel that's true and frankly neither do I, but it really seems Buffy believes it. She then tells him, "This is me. This is the package. And if it's so deficient that you need to get your kicks elsewhere, then we really have a problem." Riley looks like things are finally sinking in to him and seems to make a decision. He tells Buffy that the INot!tiative wants him to join them and that if he does, he has to leave tonight. Buffy asks if he's going and Riley replies, "I don't know. If we can't work this out..." People on the boards have tried to claim this isn't an ultimatum, but it sure as hell sounds like one to me. He's leaving if they can't work things out and it's up to Buffy to do that. Buffy gets angry all over again, shouting about him giving her an ultimatum, and he tries, ineffectually, to insist that he wasn't. Then, hoping for something, anything, from her, he tries to get her to hit him. She refuses and coldly walks away. As she goes, he calls after her, "I'm leaving, Buffy. Unless you give me a reason to stay, I'm leaving tonight." Leave already! Buffy looks devastated but walks out anyway.
Buffy walks down an alley. Behind her the head vampire pimp from the Bordello of Blood and Riley's hussy fall in behind her. The head vamp chides her for burning down the Bordello, and his henchvamps surround Buffy. Hee -- one of them in a trench coat strikes an extended pose that really resembles one of the Angel action figures.
Commercials. Blah.
The vampires close in on Buffy, who tells them to "walk away" 'cause she's, like, really pissed and all about the Riley thing. I'm not sure why she's trying to give them a break, but of course they attack her anyway. Hmm, the head pimp vampire look like he might be pretty cute without his latex prosthetics. In a nicely choreographed scene, Buffy makes short work of the vampire gang, including dusting the head vamp mid-air as he leaps at her. At this point, my mom mutters something about the fact that every time she watches this show with me, it's always so violent. To which I reply, "Mo-om. The show is called Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy is the Chosen One. She alone stands against the forces of darkness. What do you want her to do? Stay at home and needlepoint throw-pillows containing catchy homilies decrying the forces of darkness?" Oh, look at that. I'm watching alone now. Whee! I have the whole couch to myself. I am the couch captain!
Buffy turns to find Riley's chippy cowering behind her. Buffy recognizes her, but her face softens and she lowers her stake. The vamp takes off running, and Buffy stares after her and then, without much of a change in expression, throws the stake javelin-style and dusts the escaping vampire. Wow. I mean, wow. That really shocked me. To stake the skank in the heat of battle would be understandable; to let her go was less so, but interesting. But then to dust her while she's running away? Was Buffy just toying with her, or did she change her mind? I guess we're seeing more of that foreshadowed Slayer dark side. Xander suddenly shows up and snarks that he was going to "lend a hand but [he] noticed [she] grew a few extra ones." Buffy snarls at him to go home, but Xander wants to talk to her about her "acting like a crazy person." Buffy just walks away and into a random warehouse. Xander follows and chides her about hiding from him. Buffy tells him he has "no idea what's going on" and he replies, "Good. So you and Riley aren't imploding?" Buffy turns to him, surprised, and he claims to be shocked that she didn't realize it was happening. Well, in her defense, she has had a lot on her mind the last few weeks, and she and Riley seemed pretty happy at the start of "Buffy vs. Dracula," so that means this whole thing cropped up in the past month.
Anyway, whatever. Xander continues that Riley "would do anything" for Buffy, which I think is a little inaccurate, since we've seen he couldn't even bring himself to help her non-superpowered, non-military-trained friends patrol for evil while Buffy was at the hospital with her sick mother. Buffy responds by snapping that Riley "got himself bit by a vampire," which doesn't even to begin to give Xander an impression of what actually happened. She continues to rant about Riley's sneaking around and his informing her he's going to leave town unless she convinces him not to. Xander asks if Buffy is "going to let" Riley go, and Buffy and I protest that it's not really her decision. I mean, Riley is the one with the problems, he's the one who betrayed Buffy, so why should the onus of his leaving be on her? Well, in Xander's defense, maybe he's merely trying to get Buffy to think rather than pushing the situation away in anger, as she seems prone to doing. Xander wants to know why Buffy wouldn't do anything to keep Riley with her, and then criticizes her for calling Riley "dependable"; he thinks she really means Riley was convenient, and she took him for granted. On the defensive, Buffy attacks Xander's relationship with Anya. I admire him for not letting himself get sidetracked -- he tells Buffy he'll shut up if she doesn't want to hear him out, but when she starts to walk away, he interjects, "I lied." Xander's words start to have some effect on Buffy, as he tells her she "shut down" after Angel left and has treated Riley as "rebound guy," when he's actually "the one that comes along once in a lifetime." Xander's voice starts to break a little as he explains that Riley has "never held back" from Buffy, and I wonder if he's thinking more of his feelings for Buffy, or Anya's feelings for him, or his own feelings for Riley, because I just don't see Riley as a once-in-a-lifetime guy. I love Xander for caring enough to confront Buffy and even for sticking up for Riley, but he really seems to be projecting many of his own feelings onto Buffy and Riley's relationship. Xander finally tells Buffy to let Riley go if she doesn't love him, but to think about what she'll lose if she really does love him and allows him to leave. Buffy is speechless with realization and stares at Xander. "Run," he tells her, and she does.
Buffy runs. Riley waits at the INot!tiative helicopter. Buffy runs. The blades on the chopper begin to slowly warm up. Riley checks his watch. Buffy runs. Riley surveys the woods but doesn't see Buffy. Buffy runs and runs. The helicopter takes off, and Buffy finally arrives as it lifts high into the air. Buffy shouts for Riley, but doesn't get his attention. If she really wanted him back, I'm surprised she didn't throw her shoe or something into the cockpit. Riley can't hear her and doesn't look back as the chopper, powered by his clenched jaw, whisks him away to his new life with the INot!tiative. Sayonara, Señor Spud. Buffy mopes home, but she looks contemplative, not devastated, and her eyes are dry.
Xander has gone home to Anya, who is clad in an ill-fitting pair of silk retro pajamas. In a giant shout-out to MBTV's Buffy boards, he delivers an impassioned speech about his love for her. "I gotta say something 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love." Well, I can see "painful," since it is Anya and all. "The things you do, the way you think, the way you move. I get excited every time I'm about to see you." Umm, Xander honey, that's a little too much information. Anya's eyes fill with tears (as do mine, 'cause Xander's just so damn sweet and Nick Brendon is really selling this speech). "You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man." Awww. I don't buy it one bit, but awww.
Buffy returns home and sits on the stairs in her dark house. Um, who's watching Dawn at this point? Buffy thinks, and we see Riley in the chopper, looking pensive and beetle-browed. Smell ya later, Clenchy McLockjaw.