We open with the previouslys, which include Buffy talking Jonathan out of his bell jar in "Earshot," Buffy and Faith switching bodies, Riley's post-coital protestations of love for Fuffy, and the fallout with Buffy thereof.
Buffy is kicking some vamp ass in a cemetery. She has curly hair, so right away we know we're in for a wacky episode. Xander and Anya help by holding off a vamp while Buffy is busy with his buddy. One of the vamps takes off and they chase after it into a crypt. Five vamps are sharing a meal. Ah, it's nice to see that even the undead spend some quality time bonding together. The Scoobies, obviously having changed their mind about confronting the vampires, file out. Willow mentions that she's miffed by the vamps' lack of table manners at the "orgy of death." Buffy speculates that she can take care of at least two of them as Anya, with her characteristic bluntness, points out that the other three will make short work of her. Buffy concedes the point and says, "You know who we need."
Cut to an establishing shot of a white mansion. Overhead shot of the Scoobies crossing someone's study. When they get to the desk at the far end, Buffy nervously says, "Hi. We have a problem," to the back of the leather swivel chair. The chair spins around as wacky music kicks in, and for a moment I was expecting Dr. Claw but it's actually Jonathan. "Sounds like you could use my help," says he. I'm surprised at the timbre of his voice. I didn't know he could talk without his voice threatening to crack any moment.
Credits. Usually I like the credits, for the very simple reason that I can just type that one word and then there's a commercial. But this time the credits are interspersed with shots of Action Jonathan doing various un-Jonathan things like shooting a crossbow and looking suave. Hee! I'm cracking up; I don't even mind taking the extra time to describe them. The credits end with Jonathan striding purposefully towards the camera in a black turtleneck and billowing trenchcoat. Watch out, Angel!
Giles's pad. Buffy shadow-boxes, Willow is on the computer, and Jonathan loads his crossbow while Giles is poring over his books. Buffy thanks Jonathan for helping them out and he assures her that it's no problem. They spar a bit and Jonathan quickly deflects Buffy's blows. Giles reports that there doesn't seem to be any significance to the vamps' assembly. Jonathan pats him on the back like the manly man he suddenly is and calls him Ripper. Willow shrieks from the couch that she's hacked into wherever the schematics for the cemetery are stored. She morosely tells Jonathan that there's only one entrance, but Jonathan takes the computer from her and after tapping a few keys points out an alternate entrance. Hey! First he out-fights Buffy and now he out-nerds Willow? What crazy universe are we in? Jonathan starts to give everyone their marching orders, but he's distracted by the chess game he and Giles had been playing. He moves a piece that will result in a checkmate in four moves and says, "You almost got me that time, Rupert." As James Bond music plays in the background, Jonathan says, "Everyone, let's show these fiends they came to the wrong town." Wrong town indeed.
Over at the crypt, Buffy dusts one vamp as Jonathan drops down through a stained-glass skylight ["Wondering why a crypt would have a skylight? Yeah, me too." -- Ace] and quickly dispatches two others. Willow, Xander, and Anya are trying to hold back another vamp but he breaks free from their grasp and almost escapes. That is, until Jonathan's crossbow bolt catches up to him. Buffy is rather dejected about missing him, but Jonathan reassures her, saying, "You know it only matters that you do your best." The group climbs their way outside, and there's a cadre of photographers waiting to take pictures of His Exaltedness. Anya remarks that the vampires weren't well organized and they could have killed Buffy if they had rushed her. Heh. Jonathan, having finished with his photo op, says that vampires are usually loners. "Don't you agree, Spike?" queries Jonathan as he turns to stare at a nearby bush. On cue, Spike steps out and strides towards Jonathan. Buffy tries to bait Spike but Jonathan tells her to be careful. Spike: "Yeah, back off, Betty." "It's Buffy, you big bleached -- stupid guy," Buffy finishes lamely. Jonathan tells Spike that once he's normal again he's going to be impersonating "instant soup mix" and the gang all huffs off.
In Tara's room, Willow is recounting the evening's events to Tara. Tara asks about Buffy, and Willow says that she's fine, although a little upset about missing one of the vamps. Tara clarifies that she was asking about Buffy's emotional state after the body-switching incident. Willow says that Buffy is still upset about Riley having sex with Fuffy, but she's sure it will all blow over, as the camera pans back to show a huge Jonathan collage that the girls have been working on.
Over at Riley's, he's pitching basketballs into the hoop on the back of his door. That horrid balls poster has been replaced by one of Jonathan the basketball star. Much better. From her position on the bed, Buffy asks if he's feeling better and if he's still eating the Initiative kibble. He says that even though the Initiative swears they're not doping the food anymore, he's avoiding it. He's not sure if that will make him "weaker or dumber or smarter." I'm not sure that I'll be able to resist making a crack about that line, but somehow I do. The conversation segues into Adam and the trouble the Initiative is having finding him. Riley sits on the bed beside Buffy, but this seems to agitate her and she gets up to shoot some hoops. She misses her first shot, and Riley offers to give her some pointers in the same clichéd way that all TV and movie love interests do: by standing incredibly close and providing no real advice but a lot of unnecessary and movement-hindering body contact. I know it's supposed to be very sexy but it usually just comes off as confining. Buffy starts babbling that if slaying was a competitive sport she'd be pretty good at figure staking. Heh. Buffy is obviously rattled by having Riley so close to her and apologizes, saying, "Sorry, this just isn't my game," before fleeing the scene.
"It's all Faith's fault," moans Buffy as she sugars a cup of coffee. She and Jonathan are discussing Riley while seated at a café. Buffy hands him the cup of coffee and he posits that Buffy isn't actually mad at Faith -- she's mad at Riley. Buffy protests that there's no way that Riley could know that it was Fuffy and not Buffy, and Jonathan agrees, but says that there's a part of her that blames him and she should forgive Riley. Oh god. If Jonathan fixes Riley and Buffy's relationship, he's going straight to the top of my Shut Up! list. During their conversation, Jonathan signs a couple of autographs, one of them for an overly enthusiastic stick figure named Karen with a K. Buffy expresses doubt about being able to talk to Riley, which is a pretty fair assessment since thus far they've pretty much managed to avoid talking about any of their problems. Jonathan gets up to leave but turns around to reassure Buffy, saying, "If you want it, you can make anything happen," as the camera focuses on a billboard featuring Jonathan shilling for athletic shoes in the background.
Over at the Initiative, Jonathan briefs the Commandos on Adam. Jonathan tells them that Adam's power comes from Uranium 235 and that the only way to get rid of Adam is to blow him up into many itty bitty bits. I don't think they'll have trouble finding volunteers. I suspect the entire viewing audience would leap at the chance.
Nighttime at Jonathan's mansion. Karen with a K is peering through her binoculars, stalking Jonathan, when she's interrupted by an ugly bald demon. She screams so hard that we're knocked into a commercial break. When we come back, the demon knocks Karen to the ground in protest of her fugly floral-pants-and-tube-top combo and she runs screaming into the night to go buy more fashionable clothes.
Back at the lab, the meeting has disbanded, and Jonathan is now consoling Riley. Their height difference is really amusing me. Jonathan can't be more than an inch taller than Buffy. He tells Riley that Buffy is ready for a reconciliation. Blah blah blah Jonathan advises Riley to show Buffy that he cares about her. Oh and there's another shot of Jonathan doing something impossible, in case we were able to forget for even one second how much of a superstar he is.
Over at the Bronze there's some swinging big-band music playing. At one of the tables, Anya and Xander are bickering about their sex life. On the other side of the Table, Riley makes a comment to Buffy, who says, "If they get in a fistfight I've got a fifty on Anya." I'm not betting against her either. Riley wonders aloud if Xander and Anya are going to make it and Buffy just gives him a pensive and searching look in reply. Jonathan comes out on stage in a white dinner jacket while Willow and Tara join the gang at the table. Jonathan dedicates his song to Buffy and Riley and they go to dance. I like this song. I'd buy the album. During their dance, Riley starts to say something but Buffy says, "No talk. More dance." Jonathan picks up a trumpet and launches into a fast-paced number off his new album. Karen runs in and rushes to the stage. Jonathan cuts the set short and jumps off the stage to comfort Karen. He asks her to tell him what happened.
Back at the mansion Karen describes the demon to Jonathan, Buffy, and Riley. We learn that the demon had a symbol on his forehead, which Jonathan recognizes and says belongs to an essentially harmless monster. Buffy offers to patrol, but Jonathan says that he'll take care of it. The camera zooms in on Buffy looking troubled as Jonathan arranges a ride home for Karen.
Establishing shots of somewhere that looks like it may be a library. Adam (aw, crap) and his henchvamp are doing some research. Basically, Adam is the only one that can sense that the world has been magically altered and all this Jonathan stuff is a big hoax. He decides not to do anything about it because he's interested in chaos. Is Adam's last name either Bunim or Murray? Because that sounds suspiciously like something that the producers of The Real World would say. It also explains why his scenes are so crappy.
At the mansion Jonathan is staring into the fire with a contemplative look on his face. A buxom blonde appears at the railing of the indoor balcony, dressed only in lingerie, and asks in a Swedish accent if Jonathan is coming to bed. Her twin sister appears beside her and echoes the sentiment. Okay, that's it. I thought all of these contrived situations were pretty cute up until now, but having a threesome with sisters is just plain gross. Jonathan tells them that he'll be right there, and as he takes his robe off we see the same symbol the demon had is scarred onto his left shoulder.
Buffy, Willow, and Tara are walking on campus. For once, the worst dressed person in the scene is not Willow but Tara, who is wearing one of those unfortunate skirts that are made out of an old pair of jeans. Tara assumes that Buffy and Willow have to go fight the monster now, but Buffy tells them that Jonathan is on the case. Buffy mentions that Jonathan seemed afraid, but Willow reminds her that Jonathan "doesn't get scared. You talked about it when you gave him the class protector award at the prom." They reach Tara's dorm, and she says goodbye, but not before Willow squeezes her hand in goodbye. Buffy and Willow walk off and start talking about Riley, instead of Buffy making a comment about young witchy love.
Tara walks into the lobby of her dorm as creepy music twangs in the background. Suddenly the monster bursts out of the door she was heading for, knocking her down. Tara crab-crawls backwards on her hands and legs while reciting the beginnings of a spell. Suddenly she aims her palms at the monster and smoke spews out of them, buying her enough time to get up and run into a supply closet that probably should have been locked. Instead of trying to open the door, the monster just bangs his oversize arms against the door.
There's rapid knocking on Tara's dorm-room door and Willow jumps up to let Buffy in. Buffy, wearing a leopard print coat, asks why Willow called her. She then exclaims in surprise upon seeing Tara, scratched up and shivering, on the bed. Willow assures Buffy that Tara will be all right, but that she is terrified. She further explains that Tara spent the night in the janitor's closet all alone. As Willow puts a moist washcloth on Tara's forehead, Buffy kneels down beside the bed and asks what attacked her. Tara describes the monster as big and mentions that it had a symbol on its head. Buffy considers this and then jumps up and quickly sketches something on a notepad. She shows the triangular symbol to Tara and asks if it's the symbol on the monster. Tara nods in agreement and Willow exclaims, with great concern, "Buffy, Jonathan said we were all safe. Jonathan said it."
This shot is visually very striking: Buffy walks, obviously deep in thought, in front of long series of posters, featuring an almost sinister looking photo of Jonathan's face and the lettering "jonathan.com." I wonder how many hits that site got thanks to rabid Buffy fans.
Anya answers the door to the Basement of Debasement and tells Buffy that Xander isn't there. Buffy just looks at her, and Anya wonders why she isn't "going away." I for one wish Anya would just go away. Far, far away. And send Oz back in her place. Buffy explains that she wants to look over Xander's stuff, so Anya gives her a big fake smile and with great insincerity invites her in. Anya then flops down on the sofa and begins leafing through Jonathan's autobiography. Buffy surveys Xander's coffee table, which is stacked with Jonathan comic books and Jonathan trading cards in plastic sleeves. She picks up the trading cards and sits on the sofa to Anya, who insincerely says it's nice that Buffy is still there. Anya-as-demon-who-doesn't-understand-how-to-be-human was funny. Anya-as-tactless-girl-who-fakes-courtesy is not. Buffy inquires whether Anya has even found it odd that Jonathan is so good at everything, but Anya dismisses her by explaining, "He's Jonathan." She turns back to her book, which Buffy then grabs out of her hands. "Hey, I was just at the part where he invents the Internet!" protests Anya. Which is probably the only even vaguely funny line she's had in months. This character is so off-track that a GPS unit and a detailed road map couldn't help her find a laugh. Buffy tries to explain herself by mentioning that Jonathan fights better than she does, even though she's the Slayer and "that's supposed to mean something." "Buck up, you. You kill the best. Go you. Kill, kill," pep-talks Anya in her best imitation of someone who cares. Buffy tells her she wasn't actually looking for validation, and muses that Jonathan just "seems too perfect." She continues to bother Anya by inquiring about her days as a vengeance demon, asking if someone could wish the whole world different. Anya replies that that could happen and "you could have, like, a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp." "You could even make, like, a freaky world," she continues, "where Jonathan is, like, some sort of not-perfect mouth breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there." She demands her book back and leaves Buffy contemplating a world without shrimp.
Segue to Buffy explaining her concerns to Riley and the Scooby gang at Giles. She says that Jonathan just doesn't make sense, for example, "he starred in The Matrix, but he never left town." She mentions that he also has a medical degree at eighteen years of age and Xander suggests that "effective time management" is the key to Jonathan's accomplishments. Dear Joss: Working on Angel and Buffy is not effective time management. Please give it up before we have to rescind your "genius" crown and trade it in for one that reads "I ruined my career and flagship show just like Chris Carter did." Thanks, Your Fans. Giles ruefully tells Buffy that he doesn't understand what she's getting at, and Anya wants to know when Jonathan is going to arrive and start the meeting. Buffy, hands on hips, explains, "This is the meeting," and the gang looks nonplussed. She asks if anyone else has concerns about Jonathan's perfection, and Xander exclaims that Jonathan is "just perfect enough." He goes on to say that Jonathan "crushed the bones of the Master, he blew up a big snake made out of Mayor and he coached the US womens' soccer team to a stunning World Cup victory." Long-time viewers will recognize those first two accomplishments as actually being Buffy's; the third she can lay no claim to. Buffy suggests that their memories aren't trustworthy and asks Anya to explain the alternate realities. Anya goes into a shrimp-related blather, but Buffy interrupts her to say that she thinks Jonathan has manipulated the world and "we're all, like, his pawns." "Or prawns," titters Anya, to Buffy's annoyance. I stand somewhat corrected. That's two funny lines in one episode. Giles suggests that Buffy is in over her head, which she denies. Riley speaks up for the first time in this scene and says, "It sounds like nonsense," which hurts Buffy, but he continues that he knows Buffy quite well and he's confident that she "sees things that the rest of us don't." He says they should follow her lead for once. The gang looks at Buffy, and she tentatively suggests that Jonathan has ignored evidence and this possibly led to Tara getting mauled by the monster. She explains that Jonathan's reaction to Karen explaining the mark on the monster was suspicious, then asks if Giles has a "Jonathan swimsuit calendar." "No . . . yes," replies Giles, trying to excuse himself by explaining that it was a gift. Buffy flips through the calendar, stopping at a page that shows that Jonathan has a tattoo of the mark the monster wears. Riley wonders what the connection is, and suddenly Jonathan is behind them, asking if the conversation is private. Buffy asks Jonathan about the mark and he says he'll explain, and that "Buffy is right." This assertion shocks Xander. Jonathan tells them that he has fought the monster before, but when he faces it he becomes confused, so he had the mark tattooed on him to remind him not to "underestimate" it. The gang is incredibly relieved to hear this explanation, but Buffy gets in Jonathan's face and says they have to hunt the monster. He's a little flustered and tries to put her off, but finally agrees.
Buffy and Jonathan patrol through a graveyard, where they encounter Spike lurking in the shadows. He sneers that Jonathan is "taking the little sidekick out for a walk" and Buffy tells him to shut up. Spike laughs at her pluck and approaches her, touching her hair and saying he'd "love to take [her] on." Buffy just stands stock-still, looking terrified, as Spike runs his hand down her neck and onto her chest. Hummina. Jonathan grabs Spike by the collar and shoves him against a crypt, telling him to lay off the "creepy small talk." He explains that they're looking for a monster, and Spike says he doesn't know anything about it, but declares that he's "probably lying." Jonathan is only too happy not to have news on the monster and starts to leave. Behind him, Spike grabs his head in pain -- having violent thoughts, I guess. Suddenly, Buffy grabs Spike and slams him against the crypt, much to his surprise. Buffy threatens that Jonathan will have the town butchers cut off Spike's blood supply if he doesn't help them. Spike sulkily tells them to check a cave in the hills and again grabs his head as they leave.
At Giles's, Riley is flipping through a spell book, asking if the spells really work. Willow assures him that the spells do work, but that one must have concentration and training to implement them. "Right," says Xander, "you can't just go 'librum incinderae' and expect -- " and the book he is holding bursts into flames. He slams the book shut and Giles wearily says, "Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books." Willow exclaims that she's found the mark, and that it is a part of an augmentation spell. The spell augments the recipient and turns him or her into a paragon, "the best of everything, everyone's ideal." She continues that the spell has a balancing clause, in that a force of evil is also created. The gang concludes that Jonathan created the monster and Xander, still blind in his hero worship, says, "He did a spell just to make us think he was cool? That is so cool!" Riley realizes that Buffy and Jonathan might be in danger from the monster, and Giles explains that if the monster dies, the spell will be broken and Jonathan will revert. Anya muses that Jonathan won't want Buffy to succeed in finding the monster.
Jonathan and Buffy walk slowly through a cave. They come to the edge of a deep, dark chasm and Buffy notes that the fall would kill you. As she looks around, Jonathan agrees in an ominous tone, "Yeah, don't want that to happen," and takes Buffy's hand. But instead of pushing her, he begins to lead her away from the edge. At that moment, the monster attacks them.
Back at Giles's, Willow struggles to accept the fact that Buffy was right about something. Riley wonders what the real world is like, and Willow says she's scared to find out. Xander frantically protests that a world without their Jonathan is a world without sunshine and joy. Riley notes that if Buffy loses the fight with the monster, they could be "stuck in this wrong world" and Xander seems excited at the thought. Giles and Willow wonder if Buffy can win the fight against the monster.
In the cave, Jonathan is unconscious on the ground as Buffy fights the monster. He comes to as Buffy is knocked down, executes a flip off the ground, and grabs a giant stalactite with which to hit the monster. He struggles with the monster as Buffy asks what she can do. Jonathan explains that she'll have to fight alone and that she should remember what to do. He tries to explain that the more she hurts the monster, the more he'll lose his ability to fight, but he doesn't have a chance to finish. Buffy begins to kick the crap outta the monster and Jonathan suddenly cowers on the ground, scared. Buffy is excited to experience the return of her Slayer skills and confidence. She and the monster fight near the edge of the chasm and the monster manages to knock her down. Because of this, Jonathan seems to experience a surge of his augmented powers, and he races across the cave, knocking the monster into the chasm and falling in after it. At the last moment, Buffy grabs his ankle, and he dangles, staring up at her.
Twangy guitar music plays and we see the Sunnydale main drag. A bright light courses across the buildings, and the augmentations vanish in its wake. A billboard of Jonathan advertising shoes reverts to an ad for the Sunnydale Times. The movie theater marquee that reads "Being Jonathan Levinson" changes to read "Closed for Repairs." A jonathan.com poster becomes one for Dingoes Ate My Baby. Are they playing around town without Oz?
It's a sunny day on the UC Sunnydale campus and Tara, Willow, Anya, Xander, Riley, and Buffy are discussing their recent experiences. Willow can't believe they believed it all, and Riley muses how real it seemed. Xander sadly asks, "You know what I'll always remember?" and Riley replies, "The swimsuit calendar is sticking in my mind." At Buffy's questioning look, he assures her, "Not in a good way!" Xander continues, "I'll always remember the way he made me feel about me. Valued and respected. Sort of tingly. And now I'm just empty." Buffy quips that Xander was hurt most of all by Jonathan's spell but Tara makes a little noise to indicate that her mauling wins her that place. "Did anyone else feel way too tall? I felt way too tall," laughs Riley. As Xander says he liked Jonathan's clothes, we see the old, not-cool Jonathan standing and staring at the gang. He's dressed in a yellow over-sized T-shirt and schlumpy jeans. He makes an embarrassed little wave and then shoves his hands deep into his pockets. Buffy gets up and walks over to him. He's glad that Buffy came over to talk to him and tells her that although people are forgetting, many of them are angry at him. He sadly tells her that people won't talk to him and that "the twins moved out." Buffy, her arms crossed, asks why he cast the spell, but then reconsiders, saying she understands why. She does want to know "how," however, and Jonathan explains the he met a kid in counseling after his suicide attempt who gave him the spell. He tells Buffy he wants to apologize and he didn't mean for people to get hurt. In a slightly cold tone of voice, Buffy tells him people are also mad because they "didn't like being the little actors in [his] sock-puppet theater." Jonathan's voice cracks as he protests that the gang weren't sock-puppets to him -- they were friends. Buffy admonishes him that he has to stop trying to use big gestures to make complicated things work out. That's right, Buffy, and your close friends Willow and Xander certainly wouldn't know anything about using spells to change their lives, so it's all good and fine for you to be so self-righteous with Jonathan about it. Oh, wait, it isn't. Jonathan starts to leave, but then turns back and reminds Buffy of the advice he gave her about Riley. He tell her again that things with Riley will take work, and are complicated but worth it. Buffy looks at him with a softer expression as he turns and walks away.
Buffy and Riley are kissing in Riley's dorm room. Buffy says she's happy they "talked this all out," and Riley reminds her that they haven't talked at all. She says things are great and as they start to kiss again, she moans, "Jonathan."