Who Are You

Previously: Adam bored the viewing audience; Buffy vowed to take him out (I mean kill him, not treat him to dinner); Faith was in a coma but woke up; Faith switched bodies with Buffy.

Little establishing note: I'm going to refer to Faith in Buffy's body as Fuffy and Buffy in Faith's body as Baith. And thanks to the most excellent Sep for coming up with those terms.

Fuffy and Joyce stand on the Summers' front lawn as a detective thanks them for calling the police. Joyce gently wraps a coat around Fuffy's shoulders which causes her to smile. The detective says they're going to check "Faith" (Baith) out and if she's in stable condition, take her to jail. EMTs wheel Baith out on a gurney; her vision is very blurred and she looks up at Joyce and Fuffy as she's lifted into the ambulance. Fuffy takes Joyce's hand and holds it, looking like the cat that ate the canary. The detective says, "I'm glad we finally got the kid," and Fuffy snaps, "She's not a kid," but realizing her mistake, amends, "I just mean that she's very strong." The detective says he's aware that Faith is dangerous and leaves. Fuffy smugly says, "She truly is," and goes into the house.

Joyce, in an ugly boat neck sweater, follows Fuffy into the living room and asks why she thinks Faith "is like that." Fuffy suggests that Faith likes being the way she is and Joyce disagrees, stating that Faith is a very unhappy person. Fuffy shifts from foot to foot and suggests that some time in jail might straighten "Faith" out and snots, "I'm sure there's some big old Bertha just waiting to shower her ripe little self with affection." At Joyce's surprised exclamation, Fuffy apologizes and then crinkles up her face, saying she's just upset thinking about how Faith might have hurt her mom. Joyce is touched and hugs Fuffy, who makes an "eww" face and jerks away. In order to cover, she claims to be bruised from the fight. Joyce tells Fuffy she's missed her and Fuffy is very satisfied to hear that her assumption from last episode was correct. Joyce hopes they can spend some time together and seemingly pisses off Fuffy by referring to Faith as a raving psychotic. Fuffy tells her to count on them spending time together and goes upstairs to take a bath.

Fuffy soaks in the bubbly tub, admiring her new arms and legs, although since both Sarah Michelle Gellar and Eliza Dushku are young, slim and lovely, I'm not sure why Faith would be so entranced with Buffy's body. Guess it's just joy at fulfilling her big desire to actually be Buffy. Or maybe Faith always feels herself up in the tub. After the bath she inspects her new face in the mirror, sticking out her tongue and fiddling with her eyebrows. She practices her Buffy act by simpering, "Why yes, I would be Buffy. May I help you?" The comic montage continues with Fuffy, wrapped in a towel, experimenting with different ways to say, "You can't do that, because it's wrong." She never delivers the line with much conviction but seems amused with her Buffy impersonation and laughs.

Elsewhere, Baith struggles wildly in a hospital bed. She's yelling that she needs to get home to protect her mother, but a doctor injects her with a sedative. Baith continues to struggle until she passes out. Eliza's Buffy-in-Faith's body isn't as convincing as Sarah's Faith-in-Buffy's body, but I'll cut her some slack considering that it's probably easier to impersonate nutty slut than a fairly normal college girl.

Willow reclines in Tara's hippie boudoir, wondering where Faith is, but obviously not concerned enough to be helping Buffy look for her, eh? Tara sits near her on the bed reading tarot cards and assures Willow that Buffy can handle Faith. Willow agrees but worries that Faith might try to hurt someone else. Tara says Willow is safe with her because no one knows of Willow's friendship with her and then passive-aggressives, "They don't even know I exist, right?" Willow looks concerned and puts her hand on Tara's leg. Tara stutters that it's better that no one knows about her and Willow tries to explain again that the Scooby gang has a dynamic that revolves around slaying. She insists she does want Tara to meet them but then admits she likes having something that's just hers. She asks if Tara understands and Tara says she does. Willow says she needs to check in with Giles and as she heads over to the phone, Tara says, "I am, you know. Yours," and gives Willow a smoldering look. Willow smiles.

Fuffy is in Buffy's room, adjusting her breasts in a little black tank. She's wearing leather pants (a sure give-away of evilness) and has her hair all wildly crimped (a sure give-away of wackiness to come). She surveys the whole package with approval and then starts to nose around in Buffy's desk, finding her passport. , we see Fuffy sitting on the bed, reading a credit card number into the phone. Apparently she has a flight to somewhere booked at 10:00 the morning. Joyce enters the room and wonders what Fuffy is doing; she claims to have been just checking over her mail. Joyce tells her that Giles called on the other line and wants her to come to his place. Fuffy dismissively says, "I got some time to kill" and says she'll go see the gang. She then shows a lipstick to Joyce and asks if she can take it, but when Joyce notes the color is "Harlot", the same as Faith chose, Fuffy tosses it to her and snaps, "Burn it." Faith sure isn't very bright, is she? I wonder if that's the last we'll see of Joyce this season.

Baith groggily comes to in a moving police car. The cops are astonished that she's able to wake up so soon after being sedated. As the cops go through an intersection a huge red armored car pulls out in front of them, causing an accident. Two of the men we saw in Giles' apartment last episode hop out of the back of the armored car, packing serious heat, and drag Baith out through a window of the police car. One of them says, "By order of the Watcher's Council, you are being taken into custody until such time..." but the other guy tells him to skip it. They drag the groggy and moaning Baith into the back of the armored car, hop inside and slam the door. I have a number of not-nice comments about the sudden re-write of the Watcher's Council premise, but I'll save them for a little later.

Fuffy enters Giles's (again, no knocking or locked door) and surveys the room, saying, "The Scooby gang's all here. Willow, Xander, " she looks at Anya curiously, "and everybody." Did Faith ever meet Anya? I can't recall. Anya is wearing a godawful popcorn knit baby-blue too-tight sweater with tiny cap sleeves. It looks like an doll's dress that a grandma crocheted for a church fund-raiser, except she didn't size it correctly and it turned out too large, so she donated it to whatever skanky thrift-store the Buffy costume designers have been shopping at this season. Giles says he's called them there to talk about Faith and Fuffy says she "already kicked that ass." Xander congratulates her and when Willow wonders where Faith is, Fuffy tells her that the cops took her an hour ago. She then muses, "Poetic justice," and has to do some hasty covering by saying it's just "regular justice". Again, Faith = not too bright. Giles breaks the news that the police no longer have Faith, and that she was taken by a Watcher's Council "retrieval team." Fuffy mocks the Council and Wesley's last attempts to take Faith but Giles notes this time the Council sent a "special operations unit." They apparently handle the more difficult tasks for the Watcher's Council, including "wetworks."

Please fasten your seatbelts and don your protective headgear because I feel a little rant coming on. First off, I have a very hard time buying that the Watcher's Council as established over the past three seasons would have anything resembling this "special operations unit." If I didn't think it was such a lame re-write, I'd be rather disappointed in Giles for willingly being a member of such a vigilante organization. Also, if the Watcher's Council does train and employ such burly, gun-toting assassins, what the hell is the explanation for Wesley? Well, I would want an explanation for Wesley even if the Watcher's council didn't have a special ops unit, I guess. Anyway, why did the WC send Wesley to be Faith's Watcher when they had serious muscle around? Which leads me to the uneasy conclusion that this "special operations unit" premise undermines the whole conceit of the Council even needing to use a Slayer. And finally, why has the focus of this show shifted from the slightly-campy supernatural to insufferably serious spy-dude, James Bondian crap like the Initiative and the special op branch of the Watcher's council? Why? Why, I ask you? 'Kay, I feel better now. Y'all can relax.

Willow wants to know what wetworks are and Xander tells her "scuba-type stuff" but Anya corrects that it means murder. Giles confirms that "Faith" will be taken to England and Fuffy begins laughing in a gloating-type way. The Scooby gang gives her looks and she says she's just happy because Faith is so evil. Willow agrees and hopes "they throw the book at her". She tells Fuffy she can't stand Faith because of what she did to her and says she wishes she had an hour alone with Faith "if [she] was larger and had grenades." Fuffy's face contorts and she snaps that she knows how Faith would respond to that, pulls a big knife and stabs Willow in the gut. Anya commenting that the information could have been conveyed by phone interrupts Fuffy's fantasy of stabbing Willow and Willow gives her a concerned look and asks what's wrong. Fuffy, all split-personality, sincerely says, "I'd never let her hurt you." Xander says he and Anya have a romantic evening planned, to which Anya amends that they're going to "light a bunch of candles and have sex near them." I am officially OVER Anya. The joke has worn thin. Fuffy sneers that she wouldn't want to stand in the way of "that seven minutes" and Anya and Xander say "hey!" Fuffy tells them to lighten up because the danger is over and is sashaying out of the room when Giles remind her that Adam is still on the loose. Fuffy doesn't know thing one about Adam but successfully covers by saying she'll patrol while the others go have fun.

scene Fuffy is vamping it up at the Bronze, dancing sexily with men and women both. She leaves the dance floor still dancing and runs into Spike. He's not happy to see her and inquires if she's "keeping tabs" on his, but Fuffy is confused as to who he is. She asks if she usually gives him a hard time and Spike thinks she's joking. He sneers that he's only drinking beers so she needn't worry about him and turns to leave. "You're a vampire," deduces Fuffy (way to telegraph the fact that you have no idea who he is, Faith) and strikes a pose. Spike says he used to be a vampire but now, with the chip in his head, he's as "helpless as a kitten up a tree" (umm, I'm going to a good visual place) and tells Fuffy to sod off. She turns to leave, but Spike's offended that she's turned her back on him, thusly rubbing it in that he's not a threat anymore. He mentions himself by name and Fuffy finally places him as "William the Bloody, with a chip in his head." "I kinda love this town," she continues, walking back towards him. Spike asks if Fuffy knows why he hates her and she perkily replies, "Because I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?" Spike looks surprised and admits that's most of it. Fuffy continues to mock her idea of Buffy's behavior, asking, "Because I could do anything I want but instead I chose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness?" She continues that she could have anyone she wants to and sidles up very close to Spike, running her hands over his chest and pushing him against a pillar. Spike is obviously incapacitated by lust as Fuffy seductively gives him this speech: "I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne and you begged me to hurt you just a little bit more." Giving her approximation of a good-girl face she asks him if he knows why she doesn't do all that. Spike has no response and Fuffy continues, both simperingly and seductively, "Because it's wrong." Damn, that was pretty raunchy for a 7:00 PM time-slot. She then laughs and sidles away. Spike threatens her that when he gets the chip removed they're going to "have a confrontation" Fuffy tells him to count on it and leaves. Spike angrily throws his beer bottle at a wall and storms off. In his hurry to leave, he shoves a random guy out of his way and then grabs his head in pain. It's a shame there's no way Spike and Buffy can have a romance, because SMG and James Marsters together sizzle like a thick, fatty steak over a blazing mesquite fire. Especially in comparison to her scenes with Marc Blucas, which sizzle about as much as boiled cod drenched with gravy. (Note to self: in the future, eat before writing recap).

A group of vampires walk through a dark sewer, their leader saying that wherever they were was too crowded. In order to not call attention to themselves, they're going to wait until later and then prey on a drunk. The group of vampires comes to a halt when they see Adam in front of them. Adam muses that he's been thinking about vampires and how they hide from humans, lurking in the sewers, acting like scavenging rats. He asks what the vampires fear. Vampire leader tells a henchman to kill Adam but Adam grabs the henchman by the throat and rambles on about vampires fearing crosses, sunlight and fires. He rips the henchman's head off, noting that decapitation seems to be a problem for vampires as well. Don't forget the Slayer, people! The leader tells Adam that they'll happily clear out of the sewer if he wants it but Adam tells them that because they're immortal they fear death even more than humans do. With Adam around, the vampire can have a new fear: death by extreme boredom. Adam claims vampires are a paradox, a demon living in a human body, they "walk in both worlds but belong to neither." He says he can relate and that he and the vampires have a lot to talk about. Unfortunately for us. Baith comes around in the back of the armored car, her arms and legs chained together. One of the Council thugs, Weatherby, sneers, "Well, it's awake" and when Baith asks who he is, he replies he's from the Council and they're taking her back to "the Mother Country" because she's "been a naughty girl." Baith tries to tell them that she's not Faith and is in fact Buffy Summers under some sort of body-switching spell. The burliest Council thug, who I'm going to call Terence, is impressed because no ones actually tried to give him that line before. Baith insists they must believe her and suggests that they call Giles. Terence reminds her that Giles isn't employed by the Council anymore and neither is Buffy Summers. He tells her she's just a package and he doesn't care what's inside. Weatherby says he does care and spits in Baith's face for perverting the nobility of the Council. Shah, whatever, Weatherby. So sad Buffy and Faith didn't respect your oh-so-manly, tweedy, tea-sipping, book-reading club. Baith, with the spit still on her face, sadly watches him jump out of the car and close the doors.

Willow and Tara walk into the Bronze, with Willow expositioning that she can't believe Tara has never been there before. She's telling Tara how the gang used to hang at the Bronze when they notice Fuffy across the room, encouraging some guy to "Chug! Chug! Chug!" his beer. Willow is surprised to see Buffy, but leads Tara across the room to introduce her. Fuffy greets Willow but doesn't recognize Tara and isn't sure if she's supposed to. When Willow introduces her, Fuffy is relieved that this is the first time they've met. When Willow tells Fuffy that she met Tara in her Wicca group, Fuffy just grunts, "Uh huh" and walks away. Willow and Tara follow after her with Willow inquiring what happened to patrolling. Fuffy sprawls on a sofa and says she needs to "let off some steam." Willow agrees that Buffy shouldn't work herself too hard and then leaves to fetch sodas. Fuffy watches Tara watching Willow leave and then leans forward with a mischievous look on her face. She inquires if Willow and Tara have been spending a lot of time together and when Tara replies in the affirmative, Fuffy smirks, nods her head knowingly and says, "Willow's not driving stick anymore. Who would've thought?" Tara looks at her wide-eyed. Fuffy inquires if Oz is "out of the picture" (again, Faith = not very smart. I can't believe she asks questions Buffy would obviously know the answer to) and when Tara confirms it, Fuffy needles her by saying that Willow and Oz were very in love and that Willow "couldn't get enough of old Oz." Tara is distressed by the conversation and stutteringly tries to explain that Oz left town. Fuffy mocks her stutter and Tara hangs her head in shame. Willow rushes up, drawing Fuffy's attention to a guy across the room, telling her that he's a vampire. Fuffy agrees that it's "wicked obvious" and lolls back on the couch. She then realizes what Willow expects of Buffy and says she'll go slay him. She stalks across the club, grabbing a pool cue on her way. Back with Willow, Tara still looks very sad and disturbed. Fuffy finds the vampire in a back room biting a girl. As the girl struggles and her cleavage jiggles Fuffy gets the vampire's attention. She quickly stakes him and tells the cowering girl, "You'll live." The girl grabs her hand and gratefully thanks her. Fuffy is affected by this naked gratitude but tells her "It's cool" and leaves. Back in the Bronze Willow rushes over to make sure everything is OK and a still-moved Fuffy tells her it is. Willow then explains that Tara doesn't feel well and she's going to walk her back to the dorm. Fuffy, recovering, smirks, "You give her whatever she needs." Willow then asks if Fuffy will be back to their room later, or if she's going to see Riley. Fuffy smirks.

Inside the armored car Baith is banging something making a racket. The tubby Council guy approaches the truck with a syringe saying he has something that will shut her up. When he gets inside the car she drags him down and wraps her chains around his neck. Terence and Weatherby come running and Baith tells them to let her go or she'll kill Smith, the tubby guy. Terence tells her that the Council Special Ops guys always put their affairs in order before going on a mission, demonstrating that he's willing to let Baith kill Smith. He and Weatherby walk away from the car discussing how difficult it will be to get Baith across the border. They don't have a plan for this? Maybe we should call them the Un-Special Ops team. Terence says he's going to contact the Council and Baith throws the unharmed Smith out of the back of the armored car. Baith looks distressed.

Riley is in his dorm room, doing some paperwork. He hears footsteps at his door and turns to see Fuffy, striking a seductive pose against the doorframe. "Hi, baby" she whispers.

Tara and Willow walk into Tara's room. Willow says she's sorry Tara doesn't feel well but promises that they can hang out with Buffy soon. She goes on to say that Tara will really like Buffy but Tara interrupts her to tell her that the person she just met wasn't Buffy. She goes on to talk about Buffy's "fragmented" energy flow. Willow asks if Buffy was possessed by a hyena "because hyena possession is just...unpleasant." Hee! I much enjoyed the reference to "The Pack." Tara asks Willow for something of Buffy's and Willow hands her a ring. Tara looks up a spell in her book to get to the nether realm where their questions can be answered. Tara warns Willow that going to the nether realm is like "nothing they've ever done," and that she will need an anchor to keep her in this world. Willow tells Tara that she trusts her and when Tara starts to object again Willow firmly repeats, "I trust you," with a little half-smile.

Fuffy lounges seductively in Riley's doorframe and minces over to sit in his lap. Riley asks about Faith and Fuffy says that she's on her way to England. Fuffy writhes and arches in Riley's lap and Riley expresses regret at not getting to meet Faith saying that he was "curious to meet her. Or I was until about thirty seconds ago." Fuffy says that Riley wouldn't have liked Faith and starts to kiss Riley until he reminds her that the door is open. That doesn't bother Fuffy but Riley doesn't want to be watched by his fellow Marines and gets up to shut the door. Fuffy notices that Riley is hurt but he says that he's almost better. Fuffy suggests taking him for a test drive. "So how do you want me?" queries Fuffy as she crawls onto the bed. The camera focusing on her leather-clad ass and the full implications thereof gives me another of those, "I cannot believe this show is on at 7 PM moments." She writhes and wiggles on the bed some more asking what sort of things Riley wants to do to her. "Am I a bad girl? Do you want to hurt me?" Riley and his Iowa upbringing start to get a little bothered by this and he asks Fuffy what she's "playing at." This deflates Fuffy and she pouts, "Well if you don't want to play," and starts to get up. Riley grabs her arm and confirms that he that he doesn't want to "play" as he leans in for a soft kiss.

Over at Tara's, Willow draws the curtains as Tara prepares ingredients in the background. She sticks her thumb in some goo and dots it on Willow's forehead, lips and sternum. The camerawork changes to show them sitting side-by-side but facing each other so that their thighs touch. They start chanting and waving their outside arms in a parabolic motion. A trail of mojo forms from their fingertips and surrounds them in a big fiery O. The flames in the O are very pretty; a nice special effect that makes up for the cheesy floating flower in an earlier episode. They start breathing heavily and put their palms of their inside hands together. More heavy breathing until Willow falls backwards onto a pillow and arches her back accompanied by sharp intakes of breath and soft moaning. Losing your nether world virginity (heh) looks a little painful. Or something. Back at Riley's Fuffy is lying under Riley who is softly stroking her cheek. He tells her that he loves her and Fuffy starts to freak out, unable to handle the emotions. She gets up and asks, "Who are you? What do you want from her? This is meaningless." Riley notices that she's shaking (he has much better night vision than I do) and wraps a sheet around her, pulling her close to cradle her against him. He asks her what just happened but she says, "Nothing. Nothing," and furrows her brow in concern.

Oh gack. We're back with Adam and his "disciples," in an underground cavern. He goes on about how he's different from men and demons because he has a "gift" that nobody else has and that is knowing what his "purpose" is. In case you were wondering Adam says that his purpose is to "extinguish life wherever [he] finds it." And here I thought his purpose was just to be a boring plot device and universally annoy the fans. He tells the assembled vampires that it's time to face their fears and one of the vampires jumps up crying, "tell us what to do." Adam tells him that he should, "Let them know that [he] is coming." The vampire says he is prepared for that challenge and Adam tells him to look into his heart to find out what he fears the most. Did Professor Walsh insert some sort of AI algorithm that draws exclusively on clichés?

Back at Riley's Fuffy buttons up one of Riley's shirts. She glances at the clock and sees it's 8:25. She's running a little late since she's supposed to be at the airport to check in two hours early. With a final glance at Riley she leaves the room. At the sound of her clomping down the stairs Forrest shoots out of a hallway like a jealous little busybody saying, "I hope you left him alive." Fuffy says, "I think maybe you should stay our of other people's lives." Forrest reminds Fuffy that they (Riley and Forrest) have a mission and starts saying something about a time when Riley could think for himself though I'm hard pressed to recall that time myself. Fuffy tells Forrest that she's been fighting demons since before he could shave which probably isn't exactly true but I see her point. Forrest dismissively says, "Yeah, you're a killer," but Fuffy freaks out and corrects him saying that she's the Slayer and he doesn't know anything about her. Forrest asks if it really matters to her what he thinks and she says, "I don't care. God, I don't care," as she storms out. I don't think SMG is that brilliant of an actress, but I think she did a good job here emulating Eliza Dushku's mannerisms and speech patterns.

Over at the unnamed facility where the Watchers are keeping Baith, Terence says that the Council can't get them out of the country and that they've "ordered the kill." Weatherby goes to fetch gas so that they can torch the place as Terence grabs a gun and strides towards the truck where Baith is. Smith shows an ounce of compassion reminding Terence that Baith could've killed him but didn't. "Lucky you," sneers Terence and he sticks the gun through the bars on the back of the truck. Baith is ready for him though, and before he can fire she grips the barrel of the gun between her feet and pulls sharply towards her so that he is slammed against the truck. Baith takes the gun and first shoots the lock off of her chains and then off the truck door. She runs out and gets in the cab fumbling to find the keys as Weatherby comes running up. Weatherby runs towards the cab of the truck but Baith flings the door outward, knocking him unconscious. She gets the truck started mumbling to herself, "I'm good at this," and jerkily takes off as Smith has finally found his gun and starts shooting at the armored side of the truck instead of say, a tire or her head. Baith drives right through the side of the building and out onto the street.

At the airport Fuffy picks up her ticket from the agent.

Giles is taking some dishes to the sink when Baith walks in through the front door. She tells him not to move and to listen to her carefully. She tells him that she's not Faith and Giles makes a snide remark as he stealthily tries to make his way into the kitchen. "Stop inching. You were inching," cries Baith. Giles interrupts her saying, "I know what you're going to say --" "I'm Buffy," interjects Baith." "--All right, I didn't know what you were going to say," continues Giles, "but that doesn't make you any less crazy." Baith tells Giles about the mix up but Giles doesn't look convinced. She promises that she's telling the truth and then in a very belabored movement brushes her hair back from her face. Oh my God! That's just like how Buffy does it, only eighty times more affected and unnatural. Giles says that if she's really Buffy, then she won't mind if Giles ties her up until they can figure out what's going on. Baith reminds him that they need to find Faith before she gets away and tells him to ask her anything. Giles asks who the current President is and Baith reminds him that they're "checking for Buffy, not a concussion." Baith then goes on to tell Giles all sorts of personal details including revealing that Joyce thought Giles was "like a stevedore during sex." Ha! That's enough to convince Giles. At that moment Willow and Tara burst into Giles' apartment. "Oh my god," says Willow as Baith rushes to reassure her that she's not who she thinks. Willow succinctly sums up the Faith/Buffy switch in a very "yeah yeah I know that already let's get on with it" tone that is native to teenagers. Willow explains that she and Tara went to the nether realms to find out what happened and conjured some sort of glow stick ring that can be used get everyone back to their proper body. Giles goes to answer the phone. It was Xander, locked in the basement with Owen Salinger and Thurber the dead dog, telling the gang to turn on the TV. They watch a news anchor breaking the story of a hostage situation in a local church. If I was Nicholas Brendan, I'd be on the phone to my agent, looking for new roles after this most recent marginalization of my character.