Beer Bad

S04E05

Thanks to Ace, Keight, and owen.

I'd like to preface this by saying that, in my opinion, this was the worst episode of Buffy that I've ever seen. And yes, I have seen Bad Eggs. I really, really did not like this episode. The same day I saw it, I was involved in a car accident, and Buffy was by far the worse experience. I'd also like to know what bad mojo Ace has been flinging my way, because I've gotten all of the crappy episodes so far.

Previously on Buffy: Again with meeting Parker, dancing with Parker, "making a choice" with Parker, confronting Parker, moping over Parker. Quoth Xander, "Say hi to non-college guy." FratJerk says, "Townie, huh?" Who says that? I've never heard anyone called a "townie" in my entire life. Oz stares at a blonde girl. I hate her already.

Matrix-y techno, bad-video-game-type music plays. We see Buffy whipping a vampire's butt in a graveyard at night; the fight continues with dynamic stunts and lots of flipping and rolling. Parker, crouched in the bushes, calls "Buffy?" She turns to look at him and tells him to stay down. She continues to fight the vamp and executes a Matrix-reminiscent move by running up the front of a headstone and launching off it into a flying kick. More vampires attack Buffy as others attempt to abduct Parker. She fights them all and stakes them one by one. As she stops to catch her breath, Parker approaches, chagrined. Romantic music swells. "Buffy, I don't know what to say. After how I've treated you -- now I owe you my life," he says. "It's nothing," replies Buffy demurely. "It's everything," replies Parker, "you're everything and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get you to forgive me. Do you think one day you might --" And a girl's voice breaks in, giggling. We see that Buffy is actually daydreaming in her Psych lecture. Beside her, Willow is diligently taking notes. Buffy stares at Parker, who is sitting a few rows ahead of her and flirting with the giggling girl. Buffy looks sad. Dr. "Houseman Wannabe" Walsh is lecturing about the id, ego, and superego. She explains that the id has simple needs. She lectures about the id working on the pleasure principle, and we see Parker again, still flirting. "The id doesn't learn. It doesn't grow up," pontificates Dr. Walsh. As she says, "What do we do when we can't have what we want?" Buffy drifts back into her vampire-slaying daydream. She dusts the same four vamps and Parker approaches again. This time he's holding a dozen roses and a container of ice cream and his shirt is unbuttoned. He gives the same speech as before and offers Buffy the ice cream.

By Sep

Credits. I miss Faith.

Establishing daytime shot of campus. Buffy and Willow sit outside, studying at a table. A lighter is thrust into Buffy's face and Xander asks, "Rough day?" in a solicitous tone. He asks her to "be a lonely drunk" and extends the lighter again. Buffy glares. Xander explains that he has been hired as the new bartender at the "Pub." Willow (please change your shirt, honey, it looks like a demented daisy) speculates that Xander's too young to be a bartender, and he whips out a very phony driver's license. Willow: "I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up." Xander: "What gives it away?!" Willow: "Lookin' at it." Xander explains that it doesn't matter because he will be the one doing the carding. Buffy reminds him that he will have to mix drinks as well. Xander again tries to get Buffy to tell him her problems, but Buffy just glares. "I'm pregnant by my stepbrother, who'd rather be with my best friend, who's left me with no place to live, no food, except for this bottle of Wild Turkey which I drank all up," pipes up Willow. Buffy doesn't even hear her and stares into space. Xander gives Willow a surprised look and Willow explains she was being "tanked and friendless" for Xander. Methinks Willow is a good friend and Buffy could learn a thing or two from her.

Buffy the Eternal Mope says it's time to go to class and the three start on their way. Xander asks if the girls will come by the pub tonight, but Willow explains she has a date with Oz. Buffy, never one to be bothered by the concerns of others, starts trying to justify Parker's behavior by suggesting that guys keep the girls they really like in "brain fantasy bubbles where everything is perfect." "How's the fugue state coming along?" queries Xander, but that doesn't shut Buffy up, oh no -- she continues with her pathetic delusion that Parker will decide he wants her and ask her out to dinner. Willow tells her she needs to stop thinking about Parker and that there are better men "wherein the mind is stronger than the penis." "Nothing can defeat the penis!" shouts Xander in a deep, dubbed-in Charlton Heston-type voice. The girls glare. Buffy continues to defend Parker, and Willow is not impressed.

The scene shifts to Xander tending bar later that night. The place is crowded; patrons are demanding their drinks, and Xander is having problems keeping up. Buffy mopes into the place wearing some sort of I-don't-know-what outfit. It looks like a 1970s Garanimal shirt that fits funny across the hips, and baggy khakis. This is a bar, right? I happen to know they're pretty strict about checking ID in California. Buffy spots Parker chatting up a girl and cranes her head for a better look. As she shifts position, she trips over Riley's giant tuber nose and spills his drink. He apologizes, and they proceed to have yet another chemistry-free discussion. Sheesh, spare me. Riley says he's "ungainly" and I certainly am not going to argue, but he forgot to add "ugly." He asks if Buffy is looking for someone, and she mentions Parker. Riley makes derisive noises about Parker's womanizing ways and says he "should have his attention span checked." Buffy says she guesses that Parker is a girl-chaser, and Riley launches into a boring speech about what his father told him about being a gentleman. Buffy's attention wanders, and I can't blame her. Riley notices Buffy isn't listening and excuses himself; Buffy gets a glimpse of Parker shoving his tongue down his latest conquest's throat. Oh, hey, you can't be too careful with a show like Buffy, so I should explain I meant that in a metaphorical sense.

Xander is still behind the bar, but things have quieted down. "Rough day?" he asks a blonde in a pink sweater, and she begins to babble about sorority business. Xander smiles at her, but a chucklehead with sideburns interrupts and condescendingly tells the sorority girl to stop bothering Xander. Chucklehead lowers his voice and begins to discuss party plans with Sorority Girl. Xander resents the intrusion and attempts to butt back into the conversation. Chucklehead snottily asks what Xander and Sorority Girl were discussing and then proceeds to say, "Sounds like the two of you were having quite the meeting of minds. Possibly debating the geopolitical ramifications of bioengineering." Xander looks confused. Chucklehead asks if Xander "has a take on that" and Xander replies, "I got beer. Want some beer?" Chucklehead replies he'll take a pitcher of Black Frost and continues, in his garbled pseudo-intellectual lingo, to harass Xander about flirting with someone so obviously above his social station. The sorority girl looks uncomfortable. "You see, we are the future of this country, and you keep the bowl of peanuts full," snots Chucklehead. Xander tries to pull a power play by demanding ID from Chucklehead, but Xander's boss tells him to just give Chucklehead the beer. Y'know, I already saw this scene when it was in Good Will Hunting and I didn't enjoy it then either.

Buffy sits at the bar MOPING! I'm getting so tired of typing that word. Xander tries out his concerned bartender face, and Buffy admits that Parker's real problem with intimacy is that he "can't get enough of it." She then tries to convince herself that "if he were tied and gagged and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent, it wouldn't really be like I killed him, really," but Xander admonishes her. "I'm a slut," she moans. Xander starts to tell her to stop being so hard on herself, but his boss yells at him to get back to work. Xander tells Buffy not to go anywhere and he does a very credible job at expressing real concern. Of course, nothing Xander says to Buffy could possibly be of importance, so she starts to leave. She bumps into and spills the beer of a guy who starts to hit on her in a smarmy voice. Chucklehead from the bar approaches and tells her, "You shouldn't be sad and alone right now. I mean, you're a very beautiful girl who should be covered with men. Can we be those men?" and another one of his buddies offers her a beer. I honestly can't believe Buffy is going to fall for a crap line like that. But at that moment she sees Parker leaving with his latest girl; she takes the proffered beer and smiles.

The Bronze. Oz brings beverages to Willow, who tells him that she has Psych notes for him, since he missed class. Willow continues to speak but Oz gets a strange look, like he just smelled something stinky. Willow asks what's wrong and he insists it was nothing as he turns his attention back to her. On stage, the blonde girl from the "previouslys" steps up to the microphone. Her eyes look like two little bruises. Moody, quiet music plays and the blonde opens her mouth to sing in an incongruously deep voice. I'm sure the actress playing Veruca was going for emotion here with her lip-synching, but she looks more like she's fellating the microphone. Hope she doesn't get any electric shocks! Not. I hate her. ["So do I. Go home, Terruh Streetchild." -- Sars] Oz stares at Veruca with intense concentration as she sings and sways. Willow obviously senses that something is wrong and tells Oz, "We could go back to your place." Oz, mesmerized by the singer, declines the invitation. Willow becomes more uncomfortable and concerned as the song continues. Oz says that he doesn't know Veruca, the singer, but does know the band's drummer. I think everyone except Oz in this scene must have pissed off the wardrobe lady something fierce. It's the only explanation.

We hear a chorus of "Chug! Chug! Chug!" and we're back at the pub where Buffy is draining a glass of beer. She's sitting with Chucklehead and his three buddies; Chucklehead is spouting his usual meaningless "high-brow" drivel. Buffy, obviously deep in her cups, slurs that her mother "always said beer is evil." "Evil, good. These are moral absolutes that predate the fermentation of malt and fine hops," lectures Chucklehead. One of the friends attempts to bring up Thomas Aquinas but is shot down with, "There will be no Thomas Aquinas at this table." Heh. The discussion continues: "Had the earliest morality developed under the influence of beer there would, there would be no good or evil. There would be 'kinda nice' and 'pretty cool'. Everything would be different." Morons. Xander is at the bar, watching Buffy with concern. "You guys really love to hear yourselves speak, dontcha?" asks Buffy with a glimmer of her former spunk, and I for one wish these guys would shut the hell up. They continue drinking.

The morning we see Willow returning to The World's Largest Dorm Room from the bathroom. She says, in a squeaky voice, "My name's Veruca. I'm in a band." In a deep, male voice she continues, "Oh, I'm Oz. I'm in a band too. Oh, and this is Will." Boy, she sounds bitter. Back to "Veruca's" voice: "Oh, how fun -- a groupie." Willow asks Buffy if she has ever heard of Veruca and mentions that she has a voice "like an albatross." Hee. Buffy, as usual, has no time for other people's concerns and drones, "TV is a good thing." We see that she's still in her pajamas and is crouched very close to the television. She tells Willow that she is suffering after a "night of badness." "You didn't! Not with Parker again," exclaims Willow. Buffy responds, "No. With four really smart guys." Willow is shocked and concerned at what she thinks is an admission of excessive friskiness on Buffy's part and inquires if she's okay. It's cute how Willow is still so supportive, even when faced with prospect of Buffy participating in a four-way. Buffy explains that in fact she didn't have group sex, but did drink . . . beer. "Lots and lots of beer. It's nice . . . foamy . . . comforting. It's . . . beer," explains Buffy. She's obviously not feeling her usual perky self. Willow realizes that Buffy was trying to drown her sorrows over Parker and suggest that they throw spitballs at him during class. Buffy gets up and starts to leave the room still in her pajamas (which, as I recall from my college experience, wasn't entirely uncommon), but Willow reminds her to get dressed. ["Hah! Just yesterday I saw a girl in pajamas getting lunch in the campus cafeteria." -- Ace] ["Me too!" -- Sars]

By Sep

Willow enters some coffeehouse type place that I think we are seeing for the first time. It looks rather like the Bronze but isn't, and if it's supposed to be an on-campus student lounge, well, I've never seen one like it. The place is relatively deserted, but yucky old Parker is there. Willow approaches him, her arms crossed and her face set. She tells Parker she wants to give him a piece of her mind. She asks how he could hurt Buffy the way he did. Parker affects innocence and asks what he did to Buffy. Jackass. Willow says that Buffy shared something intimate with Parker and he "acts like it's nothing more than a bag of . . . some kind of snack food." Mmmmm, Ho-Hos. Parker offers to explain his actions and Willow sits. Parker talks about most relationships being two people's paths crossing briefly. "Can't two people who feel an attraction come together and create something wonderful? And then go back to their lives the day better for it but never overanalyzing it or wanting it to be more than it was?" justifies Parker. Well, yes, Parker, you slimy toad, I suppose they could if they TALKED ABOUT IT IN ADVANCE, but to declare the rules after you've played the game really isn't fair. Willow looks as skeptical as I feel. She tries to explain that people like she and Buffy have different expectations from intimacy, but Parker insists that he shouldn't have to preface casual sex with warnings about the duration of the relationship. He's wrong, but of course we all know that. For some reason, Willow seems swayed by his corrupt logic, but has the grace to be sulky. Parker apologizes for hurting and misleading Buffy and then starts to hit on Willow by saying, "I'm impressed that you care so much about her. You're a good friend." He sure does know what buttons to push. I have to wonder about Willow's motives here. I know she is trying to be a good friend to Buffy, and Parker deserves everything he gets at this point, but how much of Willow's approaching him is influenced by her problems with Oz?

At the Pub the Chuckleheads are sitting around a table strewn with empty beer pitchers, randomly slapping and picking nits off of each other. One of them is trying to remove his shirt but gets his head stuck in it. I can sympathize with him. I've done that -- sober. Xander approaches to clean up the table, telling everyone it's time to pack it in while Chucklehead goes into the back of the pub. Xander picks up a wad of their cash and tricks them into leaving him a large tip. There is a loud crashing noise from the back of the pub, and Xander inquires if everything is okay as our friend Chucklehead storms out of the back. Oh no! They've replaced Chucklehead with a reject from the casting call of Encino Man! Bam-Bam smacks Xander over the head and knocks him out cold.

By Sep

Back at the pub Buffy and the four "smart" guys continue to drink. I really, really don't want to note all their dialogue because it's about as interesting as watching mold grow. Suffice it to say that they have all been reduced to monosyllabic utterances and drunken laughter. Xander plays a song on the jukebox; Buffy runs over, climbs on the juke box and mutters. Xander tells Buffy it's time to go home and that he has "cut her off." "Did it hurt?" asks Buffy, looking dim and confused. Xander walks her to the door and tells her to go home. He then turns to the four guys, who are starting to get agitated. I can't believe Xander, concerned as he has been so far, let her walk home by herself that drunk.

More shots of the Caveboys making mischief. One of them steps out into the street and gets hit by a car. Wait a minute. Aren't most less advanced life forms out there usually instinctually afraid of fast-moving, loud objects such as cars? I'm just sayin'. The driver gets out to make sure his victim is okay but takes off running when the rest of the Caveboys rush him. But wait! It's not him they're after, it's the car, which they beat into submission. Fossil evidence also suggests that Neanderthals never reacted violently to cars. Bam-Bam catches sight of a couple of girls walking along the sidewalk. They notice him, scream, and take off running. The Caveboys give chase, whooping wildly and abandoning their fallen comrade. I really wish they had done more research for this episode, because it's commonly accepted that Neanderthals cared for their injured.

Xander and Giles are walking down the corridor to Buffy's room, and Xander is explaining that Buffy didn't have as much to drink as the guys did because he cut her off. Giles expresses disbelief that Xander served Buffy alcohol. Xander protests that he "didn't know it was evil!" Giles rebuts with, "You knew it was beer." Xander snits, "Well, excuse me, Mr. I-spent-the-sixties-in-an-electric-Kool-Aid-funky-Satan-groove." Giles corrects him with, "It was the early seventies, and you should know better." My gosh, these two bicker like a couple. Oh, and can I sign up for the electric Kool-Aid funky Satan groove thing with Giles? They enter Buffy's dorm room to find Buffy doing her best Daryl Hannah impression; she's drawn a stick figure on her wall, and she pounds on it, saying, "Parker bad!" Hey! Where are Buffy's brow ridges? I wonder if Sarah Michelle Gellar was too vain to allow that.

Parker and Willow are still in the mostly deserted lounge/coffeehouse place, but they've moved to easy chairs. Parker is actively trying to put the moves on Willow as he tells her that he's never found "the one." "The one" is apparently the girl who he can just sit with and spew his ridiculous lines. He asks if he can tell Willow something private. Willow: "I feel you've shown me a perspective I haven't thought much about before." Sep: "[Choke.] What are you doing, Willow?" Willow asks what he was going to tell her. Parker leans closer and, as I flinch, rests his hand on Willow's: "I've enjoyed talking with you. Here. Tonight." Willow: "Me too, I mean with you. I'm wondering something. About you. Just how gullible do you think I am?" I breathe a sigh of relief. Parker is astounded that somebody saw through his lines. Willow sets him straight telling him, "I've got your number, Id Boy." She laments that men only think about sex and that they haven't changed "since the dawn of time." Um, Willow? Oz is that-a-way -- maybe you should go talk to him about this. On cue, Bam-Bam and his boys burst into the lounge with their kidnapped women in tow and swarm towards Willow and Parker, knocking them out cold.

By Sep

Xander goes into the back to tell Jack that "some of your patrons are turning into cavemen." Jack is nonplused and replies, "They had it coming," as the camera focuses a little too obviously on the keg of Black Frost beer.

Bam-Bam and his bunch are on the rampage around the campus, eating leaves, laughing, and beating each other with sticks. God, this is so terrible. Who approved this script? This is a pet peeve of mine but, contrary to popular belief, Neanderthals were capable of considerable intellectual reasoning. The fossil evidence indicates that they were expert hunters and had rudimentary spiritual beliefs as well. It is highly unlikely that they simply ran around in a simian posture making monkey noises.

Jack is explaining the town-and-gown problem to Xander, saying that the college students think "they're different than us." "They are now," protests Xander. Jack corrects him, saying, "They ain't. That's the great thing about beer -- it makes all men the same." Xander doesn't realize why they are discussing beer but understanding slowly dawns on his face. Jack: "Neat, huh? My brother's a warlock. He showed me how to do it." His nonchalant delivery of that line really made me giggle. At least now we know why he's so lax about checking ID. Xander doesn't think it's "neat" and rushes off to find Buffy, but not before coming back to tell Jack that he is a "bad, bad man." Yeah, you tell him, Xander. I'm sure that made quite an impression.

Commercials. Roller Coaster Tycoon? That seems like a rip-off of Theme Park, a game in which you designed and ran your own amusement park. It had some interesting effects, such as visible vomit and audible retching noises if you turned up the nausea dial on your coasters too high. It was originally intended to run on a 486, but I played it on my P-90, which made it almost unplayably fast even on the slowest setting. Sometimes I would let it run as fast as it could go just to watch my screen fill with vomit and hear retch after retch. I am easily amused. Which means this must be one craptacular episode of Buffy for me to write a whole paragraph about the commercial break.

The Caveboys finally notice that the room they are in is a raging inferno. Too bad they didn't burn to a crisp; the episode could've ended right here.

Xander catches up to Buffy somewhere on campus. Xander: "Can't find the beer? Good. Freshman girl can't hold the beer. Shouldn't have it." Snerk. Buffy growls threateningly at Xander, who stretches out a hand the way you do to a strange dog, reminding her, "Boy smell nice." Boy is not the only thing Buffy smells. She and Xander catch a whiff of smoke coming from a close by building. Buffy declares, "Fire bad," and dashes off. Wow, Buffy, thank you for telling me that.

Flames. More infernal monkey noises. By this time in ST:NG Data had probably turned into a Pentium II or something.

Buffy enters the burning building. She spies a fire extinguisher and picks it up. She stares quizzically at it for a few minutes, shaking it. She finally pitches it into the flames. Shouldn't it explode? Buffy catches sight of Willow behind a wall of flames. This causes her to take a running leap over the flames with an assist from the couch. Xander has finally found his way into this shot and yells out, "Buffy!" When he gets no response, he stumbles outside, muttering, "Where the hell is Giles?" Where the hell is the fire department?

Giles is still looking for Buffy in the dorms, describing her as "blonde. About this tall. She walks with a, uh, sideways limp." The student gives him a very confused look. I would too. The way Giles is describing Buffy makes her sound like a crab in a blonde wig.

We're back at Bam-Bam's inferno. Buffy sees a window on the far wall. She leaps up to grab some pipes near the ceiling and inches her way towards the window. They look like sprinkler pipes to me, which makes me wonder why the sprinklers aren't on. I'm pretty sure they're required by law in all California public schools. Buffy then hooks her knees over another set of pipes parallel to the window and swings backwards, unlatching the window as she reaches the apex of her turn -- an impressive move for someone who hasn't yet mastered the use of helping verbs. It was also utterly unnecessary, as we see Bam-Bam and his crew climb up a bookcase and out the window. Now is it just me, or is there some subtle reverse sexism at play here? Maybe it's just because Buffy is the Slayer, but so far she's the only one of the beer-afflicted who has displayed some semblance of intelligence. The caveboys have merely been noisy and destructive. Anyway. Buffy picks up Willow in a fireman's carry and hands her through the window to Xander, who is rounding everyone up outside. Parker, amazingly enough, has regained consciousness. You'd think that since he had already gotten knocked out and the levels of smoke are probably dangerous by now, he wouldn't have come to, but he does for the sake of this visual gag. Parker starts sniveling about their predicament to Buffy, who merely stares at him. Until she conks him over the head with a stick and knocks him out again. I admit that that was vaguely satisfying. However, it wasn't satisfying enough to justify extending his lack of a plot for another episode and making me sit through it. I think I deserve to beat someone over the head for that. Someone like, say, the writers.

By Sep

We're back at the lounge where Bam-Bam and his posse have built a fire. Nice to see that they've mastered the fire concept they were having trouble with only thirty minutes ago. A couple of students appear at the top of the stairs, but one of the Caveboys makes threatening monkey noises and scares them away. Enough with the freakin' monkey noises already. The caveboy crouched over Willow shouts, "Woman!" and his friends sound off in quick succession, failing to entertain us with an impromptu dance. This inadvertently provided one of the three joyous moments I had watching this episode, as it reminded me of Mike Myers' beat poetry ("Wo-man Whoa Man!") in So I Married an Axe Murderer. Predictably, the fire built indoors ignites the rest of the room. At this point in ST:NG, which I would rather be watching, Captain Picard was slowly regressing into a lemur.

By Sep

The Caveboys finally notice that the room they are in is a raging inferno. Too bad they didn't burn to a crisp; the episode could've ended right here.

Flames. More infernal monkey noises. By this time in ST:NG Data had probably turned into a Pentium II or something.

By Sep

The gang is sitting in a parking lot. We see a fireman walk by, so it seems that the Sunnydale FD eventually showed up. Xander is wondering if Buffy has learned her lesson. He asks her, "What did we learn about beer?" At the mention of beer, Buffy replies, "Foamy!" I crack a small smile that is mostly due to the fact that I know this is the last scene. Xander says that the Caveboys are contained for the moment and have "time to ponder the geopolitical ramifications of being mean to me!" The camera follows Buffy to a minivan parked close by that holds the Caveboys. I wish the glass were soundproof, because I can still hear the faint sounds of monkey noises. Giles inquires as to the ownership of the van. Xander shrugs and says it wasn't locked. Parker, who has recovered but probably has a nasty headache, approaches Buffy to grovel and ask for her forgiveness. Buffy contemplates this for a moment but then knocks him out again. It's good to see that Buffy's primal instincts regarding Parker are in the right place. The rest of the gang approaches to stare at Parker. Willow looks particularly satisfied. They all wander off as the show comes to a merciful close.