Classic Giles in leather for Ace, the Couch Baron, and Sep...and The Anointed One on a double espresso for myself, because I originally said I'd recap this episode back in November. ["Girl, please. I don't care how long it took -- you deserve huge props for taking this lemon off my hands." -- Couch Baron]
Fade up on Buffy, Willow, and Xander walking through the gardens of the Sunnydale Museum and doing the exposition cha-cha. Blah blah blah, Sunnydale is hosting what Xander refers to as a "cultural-exchange megillah," which includes a museum exhibit and a dance. Willow is waxing nerdily excited about her costume for said dance, while Buffy is bitching about living with a stranger for the two weeks -- it seems that Joyce volunteered them to host an exchange student. I have to side with Buffy here, because my family hosted an exchange student for a fortnight one summer, and he had to go everywhere with me, and...well, let's just say that Olaf had a really, really close relationship with exactly one shirt, while cherishing a deep-rooted fear of soap. And shampoo. And deodorant. Did I mention that it gets kind of hot in New Jersey in the summertime? Because it does. Hot and humid. Dinner-table conversations became a product-placement-fest: "Hey, Sars, could you pass me the salt?" "SURE I could, Mr. Stupidhead! And it's no SECRET that you'll need the pepper, also!" "Yes, I will -- no BAN on pepper around here!" Anyway, Xander thinks the exchange program is "cool," and calls it "a beautiful melding of two cultures," but when Buffy asks, Xander admits that he's never participated in one, although his father tried to sell him to "some Armenians once. Does that count?" I wonder what killed the deal. Maybe Harris, Sr. tried to throw in the script for this episode.
After an endless shot of the gang walking inside, we catch up with Cordelia as she leafs through the exchange-student face book (?) and enthuses over Sven, the "one hundred percent Swedish, one hundred percent gorgeous, one hundred percent staying at my house" student assigned to her. Then Cordy asks Buffy what her student looks like, and Buffy shrugs, "I dunno. Guy-like." Predictably, Xander is less than thrilled to hear that the houseguest is "a man, with man parts," and grumps that "this is a terrible idea." Willow teasingly wants to know what happened to the beautiful melding of two cultures, and before I can come up with a decent crack involving Xander's right hand, Xander snaps, "There's no melding, okay? He'd better keep his parts to himself." Then the Scoobs spot a kid named Rodney Munson illegally fondling a museum display, and we get way way too much background about the kid given that he's about to get a mummy-job and bite it in a couple of minutes, so here's what you need to know: Rodney used to beat Xander up; Rodney has braces; Rodney is not very bright.
The badly-mustached museum docent herds the students into the Incan mummy burial chamber, intoning into his microphone, "The human sacrifice is about to begin." The students trail after the docent, and Xander crabs, "Typical museum trick: promise human sacrifice, deliver old pots and pans." Xander, at least you got the promise of human sacrifice. The typical museum field trip at my school both promised and delivered boredom, pottery shards, bus sickness, and a pop quiz the day. The docent brings us up to speed on royal Incan protocols, droning that five hundred years ago, the Incans chose a beautiful teenage girl to become their princess. As the kids file up the steps and onto the painted-Styrofoam bier, Willow hopes aloud that the story has a happily-ever-after-type ending, but Xander peers into the Styro-tomb and says he thinks "it ends with, 'And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy.'" The camera pans down into the Styro-tomb and across Joan Rivers clutching a decorative plate from the Anthropologie catalog. The docent drama-clubs about how the Incans sacrificed the princess to the mountain god Sabancaya and buried her "alive for eternity in this dark tomb." A grimacing Willow objects to the lack of white bandages "like in the movies," and the docent continues that the princess remained in the tomb, protected by a cursed seal placed there as a warning to anyone who might wake her. The Scoobs roll their eyes and exposition clumsily about "exchange-o boy," whose name is Ampata, arriving at the bus depot the night.
The Rueful Oboe Of Fifteenth-Century Doom accompanies a cross-fade to later on. Rodney skulks burglarishly near the Styro-tomb, then approaches it and tries to pry the Anthropologie plate out of the mummy's death grip. In the course of yanking the plate free, he breaks it, and therefore the seal also. The mummy's eyes creak open in a "special" effect the Clash of the Titans editing team would have rejected as too fake, and then two Slim Jims shoot up and strangle Rodney into the credits.
Library. Training session. Xander sulks at the table as Buffy asks if she can go to the dance. Giles, holding a kick pad, tells her she can't and reminds her yet again of the whole Chosen-One thing, and Buffy interrupts sarcastically, "Oh, I know this one! 'Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah bitty blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone!'" You know, I didn't find Buffy's "Giles is British and boring" attitude particularly endearing even when these episodes originally aired, and it's an unfortunate side effect of Seasons Six and Seven that I find it utterly insufferable now. In other words, shut up, Buffy. Giles snips at her, and Buffy reels off a string of hard side-kicks to the pad as Giles tries to point out that having an exchange student living with her will make it even harder to keep her identity secret, at which time Xander inserts himself between them and blithers about how the exchange student isn't living with her living with her, blah blah jealous whatever. He stomps off. Buffy disingenuously suggests that going to the dance would help her maintain her cover, and whines at Giles. Giles glares. Buffy raises her leg to deliver another kick, and Giles gives in. "Yay! I win," Buffy perks smugly. Shut up, Buffy.
Giles goes in search of an ice pack, and Xander, who apparently didn't stomp that far, pipes up from the counter that he's got his mom's car and can drive them to the dance. Buffy asks if he's not taking Willow, then, and Xander says he's taking Willow, but not "in the sense of 'take me.'" Buffy has to come with them so that it's three of them, because otherwise it's two, at that means, as Buffy puts it, "Dateville. Romance, flowers..." "Lips," Xander finishes. Buffy sits on the table and asks if Xander's never thought about Willow's lips in all the years he's known her. Willow, of course, enters the library right then and overhears the exchange as Xander says that he loves Willow and she's his best friend. Willow beams. Xander goes on that that means she's "not the kind of girl who I think about her lips that much." Willow's face falls as Xander concludes by shrugging, "She's the kind of girl that...I'm best friends with." That's a healthy attitude, Xander. I can't imagine why your romantic experience to date consists solely of a gigantic murderous bug. Nice bit of acting by Alyson Hannigan here, though. Willow decides to spare herself further agony by announcing herself, and Xander butt-monkeys about talking about happy things like the three of them going to the dance together blah blah awkward whatever. Willow's all, "Shut it -- Rodney's missing." He didn't come home the night before, and Buffy doesn't remember seeing him on the bus. "I hope he didn't get in trouble at the museum," Willow frowns, and Xander jokes that maybe he awakened the mummy. "Right, and it rose from its tomb," Willow jokes back. Buffy gets in on the act with a snarky, "And attacked him." Their smiles fade as they realize that that scenario is all too possible.
Museum. Willow, creeped out, wonders if maybe Rodney just "stepped out for a smoke." "For twenty-one hours?" Xander asks. "It's addictive, you know," Willow points out. No kidding. Flick...ahhh. Giles mutters that they can consider Rodney's nic fit when they've ruled out evil curses, and Buffy grouses that one day she'll live in a town where they can rule out evil curses "without even saying." Aw, does the poor widdle Slayer feel sowwy for herself some more? Shut up, Buffy. The gang discovers the broken seal, but sees the mummy -- or a mummy, at any rate -- "snug as ever" in the Styro-tomb, so they figure everything's kosher, but as Giles is examining the symbols on the Anthropologie plate, a lost Lamas cousin attired in David Copperfield's cast-offs from the Statue of Liberty special charges out of the shadows brandishing a cutlass and attacks them. Quick shot of the open-mouthed, shiny-toothed mummy, then back to Xander tackling Copperfieldo Lamas, who throws Xander off and bails. Xander's all excited that he helped: "Okay, I just saved us, right?" Buffy muses that "something did," but Giles doesn't care either way; he wants to beat it out of there before Copperfieldo Lamas comes back, and the others start to hustle out, but Willow's eye is caught by something in the Styro-tomb. She asks if the Incas were "very advanced?" Giles, impatiently: "Yes, yes, very." "Did they have orthodontists?" We pan down to the mummy again; either the Inca princess had a wicked overbite, or that's actually Rodney "Why Don't You Edvard Munch...My Balls, Cochise" Munson in the Styro-tomb.
Back at the library, the Scoobs ponder aloud what could have happened to Rodney. Xander sarcastically suggests asking Copperfieldo Lamas, but Willow thinks that, given the way C.L. ran off, "he was as freaked as [they] were" when he caught sight of Rodney. Giles doesn't have the resources to say exactly what's going on; the answer, as Buffy points out, is probably in the seal, but it'll take weeks for Giles to translate it. He says he'll start that night, and then Buffy remembers that she's supposed to pick up Ampata at the bus station and she's already late. Xander tries to stop her by prattling about priorities, "Latin lover whose stock in trade is breaking hearts," blah blah transparent whatever. Buffy's all worried that Ampata's there by himself, what if he doesn't speak English, he's from...hey, South America: "Maybe he could translate the seal." Xander blah blah bad Catskills routine whatever.
Bus station. A bus whooshes by, leaving Famous Original Ampata at the curb. He looks around for a moment before hearing a voice call, "Ampaaaata." Greyhound gets a product placement as Famous Original Ampata wanders through the depot, looking for the voice. "Ampaaaata!" As he rounds a parked bus, his eyes widen, and a wad of popsicle sticks and rubber cement found in a trash bin at an elementary school science fair -- I mean, "the mummy" lurches up to Famous Original Ampata, grabs his neck, and Hoovers his life force while a "special" effect turns Famous Original Ampata into brisket.
Fade to the Scoobs arriving at the bus depot and calling for Ampata. Xander asks if he has to speak Spanish, and says he doesn't know any except for "'Doritos' and 'Chihuahua.'" How about estúpido, Xander? Surely you know that one. "Ampata!" Buffy calls again, and a female voice answers, "Here." As Xander's jaw hits the ground and shatters, New And Improved Ampata, Now With 100 Percent More Pantene! emerges from behind a bus, wearing Famous Original Ampata's outfit (but with the button-down shirt tied fetchingly in a knot). "I am Ampata," she says, smoldering at Xander. Xander: "Ay caramba. I can also say that." Xander's erection: "I get my SAG card now, right?"
After the break, Ampata gets the grand tour of the Summers home; as Buffy prattles, Ampata smiles widely, Xander goggles at her, and Willow sadly watches Xander goggling. Aw. Xander does that "talking very loudly and with many hand gestures to the non-English-speaker" thing. Willow does that blatant "we expected a boy, not a girl, and certainly not a girl that Xander would get the hots for" thing. Buffy asks if Ampata's visited America before, and Ampata says that she's "toured" -- Atlanta, Boston, New York -- but when Willow asks what New York was like, Ampata says she didn't get to see much. Yeah, I think we get it. Xander smarms that "your English is very bueno," and Ampata says, "I listen much." "Well, that works out well because I talk much!" Xander burbles. Yeah. Pull up a chair and tell me about it, why don't you. Wait...don't. Anyway, Xander and Ampata laugh very fakely and flirtily as Willow and Buffy exchange "whaaaaatever" looks.
Later on, Ampata -- who, in a nice touch, is also wearing Famous Original Ampata's undershirt and boxers -- bounces on the mattress, testing it out. Buffy comes in. Chit-chat about the "teeniness" of Buffy's room; Ampata, of course, says that her old one "was much smaller." Then Buffy asks what it's like back home, and Ampata, of course, describes it as "cramped, and very dead." We still get it, you know. Buffy says that Ampata will feel right at home in Sunnydale, then, but Ampata protests that Buffy has "so much here," and picks up a framed picture of the gang; that prompts Buffy to ask about Ampata's friends, but she says that "it is just [her]." Buffy's sympathetic, but says Ampata will meet lots of people the day. Ampata wants Buffy to help her fit in: "Just like you. A normal life." "One normal life, coming up," Buffy glums. Shut up, Buffy. She switches off the light, and we cut outside to the bushes, where Copperfieldo Lamas lurks threateningly.
Yay! Oh, you'll see. So, the day at school, Cordelia is informing Devon that she won't be "one of [his] groupies." Andrew Shue has groupies? Yeah, okay, I know, but seriously, Devon looks a lot like him, except that Devon's cuter and a marginally better actor. Then again, so is an overcooked turnip. Anyway, enter Sven, an expressionless lunk in a horrid sweater, who approaches Cordy as she's flirting with Devon and is met with a bossy hand-wave and a "Sven...momento! Need-a!" Hee. Cordy bitches about how much Sven sucks ("They don't even speak American!"), pops Devon a smooch, and heads off. Sven just stands there, staring dully in Devon's direction. Cordy turns around, issues a "Sven! Come?" and whaps her notebook against her leg just like you would do to call a dog. It's mean, but -- hee again. Devon just snorts and then walks over to ask Oz -- Oz! Yay! -- what he thinks of Cordelia. The answer is, unsurprisingly, not much. Devon needles him, asking what a girl has to do to impress him, and Oz admits, "Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place." Hey, I love that song! Squee! Call me, Oz! Devon says he's "too picky," and reminds him that playing lead guitar is catnip to the ladies. Oz whatevers that it's not that he's picky; it's that Devon isn't: "You're impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk." Devon, really sincerely: "She doesn't have to talk." Heh. Oz rolls his eyes and walks off. Oz! Call me! We'll talk! Well, you probably won't talk that much -- in fact, you used up your talking quota for, like, an entire season in that last scene, but that's okay! You can just re-dye your hair while I tell you about my day! Eeeeee!
Semi-cute cut to Willow enthusing about her costume to Xander. Xander, by contrast, is stressing about the "mocking alternatives" available should he pick the wrong culture in which to costume himself. Willow suggests Bavarian attire, but Xander nixes it on the grounds that, well, lederhosen: "They make my calves look fat." Ha...ha? Willow asks why he's "suddenly so worried about looking like an idiot," then starts to backtrack that that came out wrong (although I think the original phrasing's fine), but Xander's not listening; he's gazing lustfully at Ampata, who's walking up the school steps with Buffy.
Buffy asks Ampata if she's nervous. She's not; it's just more people than she's seen in a long time. We. Get. It. Thank you. Buffy reassures her, and says she knows someone who's dying to meet Ampata (well, so to speak).
Cut to the library, where Giles shakes Ampata's hand with a dazzling smile -- mmm, Classic Giles -- and then immediately hands over the Anthropologie fragment and asks Ampata if she can translate it. As Buffy busts on Giles for committing awkwardness, Ampata stares at the fragment in dismay. "Is something wrong?" Buffy asks, but Ampata pretends there isn't and wants to know why Giles is asking her. He tells her that it's from the tomb of an Incan mummy, actually, one from Ampata's region, and they want to translate it for...for..."our archaeology club," Willow pipes up helpfully. "Very good," Giles super-texts, sipping his tea. Ampata asks what happened to the other pieces, but that's all the Scoobs found. Ampata frowns and tells Giles that it's very old and valuable, and that they "should hide it!" Giles more or less ignores that suggestion and asks if she recognizes any of the pictograms, like "this chappie with a knife." Ampata thinks that one represents a bodyguard; according to legend, he "guards the mummy against those who would disturb her." Exchanging a look with Buffy, Giles says that it's "a very good starting point for our, um...club." Buffy takes her cue and babbles for a bit about all the "stuff...dull stuff!" she has to do as club president, and starts to suggest that Willow hang with Ampata for the day, but Xander volunteers himself for that job. The two of them leave, and Willow mournfully watches them go. Giles says he'll work on the translation, and tells Buffy to research "this bodyguard thing, and Willow, you...Willow?" Willow, still gazing after the departing Xampater, sighs that they really like each other.
On the bleachers, Xander "charms" Ampata by introducing her to the Twinkie, then stuffing a whole one into his mouth. Ampata is a good sport about it and attempts to stuff a whole Twinkie into her own mouth. Banter follows, but it's not terribly well-written, and it's also filtered through semi-masticated Twinkie, so let's skip it, shall we? They do in fact really like each other. Moving on.
Library. Buffy thinks she's found something and tries to bring it to Willow's attention, but Willow is playing with a frog Beanie Baby and zoning. Finally she comes to with a listless, "Yes. I'm caring about mummies." Shout-out? Buffy gently reminds her that Ampata's only staying for two weeks. Yes, Willow says, but then Xander can find another girl who's not Willow to moon over. Buffy looks down as Willow monotones, "At least with you I knew he didn't have a shot." Aw. Poor Willow. She shakes it off a little and announces that she has a choice -- she can watch Xander date everyone else on earth and wait for him to notice her, or she can just "get on with [her] life." What about Door #3, taking off that fugly blue hat? No? Well, don't say I didn't try to tell you. "Good for you," Buffy murmurs, and Willow squirms and confesses that she hasn't chosen yet. Heh. Giles, meanwhile, is looking at the fragment through the magnifying glass, and he confirms that Buffy did find something -- namely, that the mummy might have offed Rodney. The pictograms say that the mummy can feed off a person's life force, "effectively freeze-drying them, you might say." Do I sense a subtle reference to Anthony Stewart Head's Taster's Choice commercials? Probably not, as it's not really an episode of "subtle," but what the hell, let's give it to them. Buffy concludes that, in that case, they "just have to stop the mummy." How to find the mummy in the first place, then stop it when they have found it, is another matter entirely. Giles muses that the answer is still somewhere in the Anthropologie fragment, or in the pieces of the seal they don't have.
Out on the bleachers, Copperfieldo Lamas materializes and descends the steps, hacking away at Xander and Ampata. "You have stolen the seal!" he bellows at Xander. "Where is it?" More slashing, which Xander dodges. Ampata lets out an ineffectual shriek, and when Copperfieldo Lamas looks over his shoulder at her, they both start in recognition. "It is you!" Copperfieldo Lamas says accusingly, but Xander takes that opportunity to boot C.L. in the chest and send him bumping rather anticlimactically down the bleachers, then runs off with Ampata in tow.
Back at the library, Giles brings Ampata a cup of tea as Willow wonders what C.L. wants with them. Xander relays that C.L. said, "Give me the seal," and Giles notes that it's more popular than they thought. He wonders aloud what they should do with it. Ampata says firmly, "Destroy it." Giles: "[Eyebrow.]" Ampata: "If you do not, someone could die." Buffy looks uneasy as Giles tells Ampata that someone already has died; Ampata asks if the bodyguard killed someone, so Buffy hems and haws for a minute, and Ampata accuses them of not telling her everything. "You're right, Ampata," Xander says in his most manly voice. "And it's time we do." He starts to tell her that it's not an archaeology club, which prompts a pointed cough from Giles and a "Shut. UP." look from Buffy, so Xander goes on to say that it's a crime club, "which is like the chess club, only with crime, and...no chess." Well said, Xander. Except not really. Ampata doesn't care about that; the seal nearly got them killed, she says, and "it must be destroyed!" She storms out of the library. Buffy shoots Xander an "ohhh-kay then" look, which he returns with a "I know, right?" look before he goes after Ampata, and as he trots off, Buffy shoots Willow a "the hell?" look. Heh.
In the hall outside the library, Ampata fidgets. Xander comes out and tries to reassure her that he'll protect her, but Ampata wisely blows that off, telling him that their investigation is dangerous and she doesn't want it: "Just normal life!" She stomps off to...get a dramatic drink from the water fountain. All righty, then. Willow comes out to see if she's okay, and Xander explains that Ampata's "wigged," and he's trying to explain to her that "our lives aren't just danger around here." Willow takes one for the team by suggesting that Xander take Ampata to the dance, just the two of them. Xander beams at Willow that she's his best friend, and as he walks back over to Ampata, Willow sighs to herself, "I know."
In the library, Giles and Buffy try to figure out what the bodyguard wants with the seal, theorizing that he wants to put their fragment together with the other pieces. A plan is formulated to go back to the museum and look for said other pieces, but that means Buffy can't go to the dance. Buffy pouts. Aaaand scene.
Xander and Ampata walk down the stairs as Xander says he has something to tell her, and "it's kind of a secret and it's a little bit scary." You said a mouthful, Xander -- Ampata really needs to switch to a different style of jeans, because if that bodyguard wants to protect the world from anything, it's that awful case of camel toe she's sporting in this scene. I mean, YIKES, people. Oh, wait -- Xander actually wants to tell her that he likes her a lot, and to invite her to the dance. Boring banter reveals that she likes him too. He asks if she's a praying mantis. Ha. Ha. Boring banter about going to the ladies' room, which Ampata then does.
In the restroom, Ampata smirkily applies lipstick, then spots Copperfieldo Lamas in the mirror behind her. She begs him not to kill her, and he takes a menacing step towards her and points out that she's already dead, "for five hundred years" already. C.L. has a pretty sexy scar on his cheek. Anyway. Ampata protests that it's not fair, that she "was innocent," but C.L. rightly reminds her that the people she kills now to stay alive are innocent too, and to go up a jeans size already. Although he may have said that last part in his head. "Please," Ampata whispers. "I am in love." "You are the Chosen One," C.L. anvils. "You must die. You have no choice." He lunges at her, but she grabs his arm, twists it behind his back, and grunts, "Yes. I do." Then she life-force-sucks him, and C.L. does a little Lithgow in the Twilight Zone acting with his left eye before turning into another failed science project.
Xander waits all expectant-father out in the hall. Ampata emerges, wearing a completely different shade of lipstick from what we just saw her applying. In fact, she's wearing enough makeup to sink the Queen Mary. (That little *bink* sound you just heard? Me, turning into my mother.) From beneath twenty-eight layers of Revlon Super Lustrous emerges Ampata's announcement that she will "gladly" go to the dance with Xander. The two of them walk off hand-in-hand as The Violins Of Ouch...That's Gonna Leave A Mark play us into the break.
We come back to the Summers home to find Ampata telling Buffy that she doesn't have any lipstick. So...she actually applied lip gloss in the bathroom? She used...the entire tube of lipstick, and now she doesn't have anymore? The viewers forgot what we just saw two minutes ago? I know it's minor, but it does come up again later, kind of, and also, it's annoying. Anyway, Buffy says Ampata's welcome to use one of hers, but Ampata looks down, dismayed; the camera follows her gaze as Buffy explains that the bus station sent over Ampata's anvil. Uh, "the rest of her stuff." And by the way, did Famous Original Ampata take the bus the whole way from Sunnydale to South America? Because...when did he leave, then? First grade? Anyway, Ampata lies that she forgot all about it. "No worries," Buffy tells her -- she'll unpack for Ampata. Ampata's not keen on that idea, reminding Buffy that she "must get ready for the dance," but Buffy's not going after all; she has work to do for the "crime club." Ampata moseys over to the desk to pick a lipstick, and the girls discuss Xander and how he's happy around Ampata, and Ampata's happy too, and after Buffy advises her to go with a "gold" lipstick (eesh), Ampata anvils that Buffy's always thinking of others before herself. Hee hee! Buffy thinking of others before herself! Hee. Good one. Ampata, ladies and gentlemen! Try the fish, it's delicious!
Anyway, Ampata says that Buffy reminds her of the Inca princess, and Buffy says, "Cool -- a princess," and gets up while Ampata's talking to start unpacking Ampata's things. "They told her that she was the only one," Ampata says with her back to Buffy. Buffy opens Famous Original Ampata's satchel, takes out a pair of BVDs with a space invader-y pattern on them, and frowns at them, confused, as Ampata continues, "That only she could defend her people from the netherworld." Hey, just like Buffy herse-- oh, of course. You got that already. My mistake. Still looking for the gold lipstick, Ampata continues, in a tone of faint resentment that we've heard many times before from a certain blonde I might name, but won't, because she needs to shut up so let's not encourage her, "Out of all the girls in her generation, she was the only one..." Just then, Ampata opens Buffy's top dresser drawer to find a collection of crosses, stakes, holy water, et al., and she trails off. I've always favored the "hiding in plain sight" strategy myself, but...the top drawer? Unlocked? Joyce is still kind of clueless at this point, but...not even a "KEEP OUT" sticker? Buffy quickly moves to close the drawer, finishing Ampata's sentence with, "Chosen," and adding that the Inca princess's story is "fairly familiar." She hands Ampata the right lipstick.
Ampata, not content with a mere anvil of character parallels, unleashes a hail of character-parallel throwing stars as well: "She was sixteen, like us. She was offered as a sacrifice and went to her death. Who knows what she had to give up to fulfill her duty to others? What chance at love?" "Who knows," Buffy mutters, walking back over to Ampata's luggage. Yeah, boo hoo. We get it already! God! Buffy says she'll just unpack the rest of Ampata's stuff, and Ampata hurries over to stop her, but just as Buffy lifts the lid of Ampata's trunk -- treating us to a shot of what appears to be Keith Richards stuffed inside -- the doorbell rings, distracting her. She trots off to get the door as Ampata relocks the trunk and The Minor-Chord Secrecy Strings camp it up in the background.
It's Xander at the door. Buffy giggles at his attire; elsewhere, Juan Valdez files a trademark infringement suit as Xander explains that he's from "the country of Leone. It's in Italy, pretending to be Montana." A good line, but not good enough to save that hat, which is at least two sizes too large. Xander eyes Buffy's overalls and asks if she's from "the country of white trash," and she fills him in on the new plan -- Xander and Willow mind Ampata while she and Giles go mummy-lunking. Where is Willow, then? Well, she's not coming with Xander and Ampata, because it's a date, blah blah romance lips whatever. Ampata appears and descends the stairs, rendering Xander speechless. Buffy translates the "American salivating boy-talk" to tell her she looks beautiful. Joyce appears to compliment Ampata and to passive-aggressive that she wishes Ampata could talk Buffy into going to the dance. "I tried, but she is very stubborn," Ampata says. "Well, I'm glad someone else sees that," Joyce simpers. Buffy shoots her a "cram it" look. Xander and Ampata head off to the dance, but Xander sticks his head back in to tell Buffy to "be careful." She in turn tells him meaningfully that he looks good. Over Buffy's shoulder, Joyce watches them go and burbles that after only two days in the States, Ampata "already seems like she belongs here -- she's really fitting in." "Yeah," Buffy says wistfully. "How about that." I've never quite understood that exchange. Does Buffy wish she fit in more, since Joyce is always harping on her about that? Is she getting territorial over Xander?
Whatever, don't care, moving on. The Bronze. The captions say, "(indie rock)." Shut up, captions. Also, shut up, Dingoes Ate My Baby. I love Oz and all, but I've never bought the idea that he'd join a personality-free alternonymous chipster-rock outfit like Dingoes, whose "music" manages to annoy me while also having zero personality -- it reminds me of that band in Ghost World, Blueshammer. Says the girl who still owns Bryan Adams cassettes. Plural. Aaaaanyway. A bunch of costumed extras file in, Cordelia on their heels; she's kitted out in a Hawaiian-print bikini and a lei, which isn't exactly international, although I guess it's safe to assume Cordy doesn't know that Hawaii is a state, or care. "Ooh, near faux pas -- I almost wore the same thing," she snarks at someone off-camera. Naturally, that someone is Willow, looking adorably awkward and glum in an Eskimo outfit, complete with spear. Cordelia then stomps over to her geisha-attired friend and bitches some more about Sven (dressed, predictably, as a Norse something-or-other), complaining that he's like those dogs who follow you home across four states. Sven stands impassively in front of Cordy, and Geisha tries to defend him, saying that he's "kinda cute" and "maybe it's nice skipping all that small talk," but Cordy's all, "Small talk? How about simple instructions?" She turns to Sven: "Get...punchy." No response from Sven. Cordy tries again: "You! Fruit...drinky." Still nothing. Here's one for you, Cordy: Alpha...hydroxy. Yeah, I thought so. Finally, Geisha takes pity on Sven and leads him to the bar.
Onstage, Dingoes "rock" out. Loving shots of Oz and his black fingernail polish. Aw. Oz.
Xander and Ampata arrive. Ampata looks all around, taking everything in. Willow watches them sadly from inside her giant fur-trimmed hood and mumbles to herself, "Maybe I should have worn something sexy." The other two approach the table where she's standing, and Willow forces out a comment about how great they look; Ampata in turn compliments Willow's "very authentic" outfit, and Xander gestures with his cigarillo and adds, "Yeah, you look...snug." Check out the silver tongue on Harris, y'all. Not. ["Yeah, and Willow's armed, too. Shut it, git." -- CB] Willow says in a defeated tone that "that's what [she] was going for," then asks, "Where's Buffy?" Then she looks around for Buffy, but because of the giant hood, she has to turn her entire body to do it, which is pretty funny.
Buffy answers the door to Giles, who bursts in with a "thank heavens you're home." Buffy bitches that yes, she's home, not out with her friends, not having a life, blah blah blah poor-me-cakes. Yes, yes. WE KNOW. Finally she cops a clue and asks what Giles is doing there: "I thought we were gonna meet at the museum to find the bodyguard." No need -- the bodyguard showed up in the bathroom at school, mummified. Buffy doesn't get it: "Why would the mummy kill her own bodyguard?" Giles researched and took a fresh look at the pictograms, and it seems that the guard's job is actually to keep the mummy from waking up and escaping -- to protect others from her, in other words, and not the other way around. "So Ampata translated it wrong," Buffy frowns, and Giles says, "Perhaps," but then Buffy arches a brow and reminds Giles that Ampata freaked out about the seal from the beginning. Giles agrees that she did, and Buffy puts it together: "Her trunks!"
Upstairs, Giles wonders why a girl would pack "all boys' clothes." A moment later, Buffy breaks the lock off the trunk and finds Keith Richards inside. Arching a skeptical brow, Buffy wants to know, "What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse -- and doesn't even pack a lipstick?"
After a seemingly endless Dingoes montage in which Devon confuses charisma with advanced scoliosis, we pan over to Xander awkwardly inviting Ampata to dance. He leads her onto the dance floor. Willow watches from her hood and tries not to look like she wants to beat herself to death with her own arm. Dancing. Schmoopy gazes.
Onstage, Oz calls Devon over. "That girl. Who is she?"
Shot of Ampata sultrying all over Xander.
Devon says she's an exchange student from South America. "No, not her," Oz half-laughs. "The Eskimo."
Willow, bobbing aimlessly and miserably to the beat.
Oz, gazing in utter awe at Willow. Aw(e).
Filler scene in which Giles's car is not fast enough for Buffy's liking. Shut up, Buffy.
Dancing montage, in which a kiss almost happens but doesn't about a dozen times. And seriously, Ara Celi is very pretty, but she is literally wearing more makeup than the entire cast of Velvet Goldmine -- I just freeze-framed her, and it looks like two daddy longlegses got drunk and passed out on her eyes. Anyway, a real kiss starts to happen, but then Ampata's hand makes a Rice Krispies sound and mummies up, and she whips her hand off Xander's shoulder and flees. "Okay, at least we can rule out something I said," a baffled Xander grumps to himself as Ampata runs through the crowd. The sound goes all wonky as Ampata looks around desperately; then her gaze comes to rest on Jonathan sitting by himself on the stairs.
In the car, Buffy grouses that she should have figured it out sooner. Together she and Giles deduce that, to re-trap the mummy, they need to reassemble the seal. Giles will drop Buffy at the Bronze and head to the museum to try to piece together the fragments.
After a bit of bad dialogue that includes the line "mummy dearest," we return to the dance. Xander asks Willow if she's seen Ampata, then bitches at her when she merely shrugs. Shut up, Xander. He barrels off. Sven and Geisha pass in front of Willow just then, and Sven is bitching about the host he got stuck with. "'Momento.' 'Punchy fruity drinky.' Is Cordelia even from this country?" Hee.
In the Bronze's backstage area, Ampata sultrily removes Jonathan's straw hat. As she runs her George Burns hands over his face, Jonathan stammers that they feel "kinda...rough," and isn't she there with Xander? She grabs his neck and starts to force him towards her for a kiss, but just then, Xander calls out, "Ampata!" and Jonathan bolts. Enter Xander, asking why she ran away. She gives him the puppy eyes and says she doesn't deserve him. Xander is as flabbergasted by that as I: "You think that you don't deserve me?" He laughs. "Man, I love you!" The word "love" turns on the waterworks, and Xander draws closer and asks, "Are those tears of joy? Pain? Revulsion?" "I am very happy," she says, not meeting his eye, "and very sad." Cut to a silhouetted shot of the two of them, Ampata hiding her hands behind her back. Xander urges her to tell him what's wrong. She can't, she says, and buries her face in his neck as The Stereotypical Pan Flute Of Ancient Latin Cultures tootles woefully. He tries to joke that it's because it's a secret, and if she told him, then she'd have to kill him, but Ampata doesn't get the reference and cries even harder. Xander apologizes for the "bad joke -- and the delivery was off too, I'm sorry." Apology not really accepted, episode writer Matt Kiene, but thanks anyway. Pan flute. Hair-stroking. Pan flute. Gazing. Pan flute. Zoom in tight enough to count individual lip cells, and finally, kissing. And I mean to tell you...kissing. I thought I'd flipped over to Cinemax for a second there. It's pretty hot stuff, actually. Go, Nicholas Brendon. But steamy soon turns to icky as Ronald Reagan's hand grips the back of Xander's head and the Foley guys cue up the mummy-suck effect on the soundtrack. Xander's eyes flip open in horror and stare us into the break.
We pick up where we left off, mid-kiss, but Ampata pushes Xander away before he shrivels, and she gasps, "No -- I can't." Xander lies on the floor, panting, and she cradles him in her beef-jerky arms and tells him she's "so sorry."
At the museum, Giles pieces together the Anthropologie plate, getting all academically pleased with himself as he sorts out the various parts. As he fits a key shard into place...
...Ampata drops Xander's head with a thunk and breathes, "The seal!" Off she goes.
Willow is...Willow is...well, I just don't know what Willow's doing, but it looks like she's built a replica of a Mayan temple using cheese. Buffy barges up and asks where Xander is, and when Willow tells him he's looking for Ampata, Buffy blurts, "Ampata's the mummy." Willow is surprised, satisfied, and worried in that order: "Oh. Good! ...Xander!" Willow thinks they headed backstage, so the girls dash off, leaving an about-to-introduce-himself Oz sputtering in their wake. He half-laughs again: "Who is that girl?"
The distaff Scoobs find Xander backstage, sitting up now but still winded. He's okay, if a bit flummoxed by the kiss, but reports that Ampata said "something about the seal" before taking off. Buffy realizes that Giles is in trouble, so she and Willow hoist Xander up and head for the door. Xander asks what's going on; Buffy says they'll fill him in on the way.
As Giles fannies about with a pot of glue, Ampata prowls menacingly around a corner. He's saying to himself, "Just one more piece," when the overcooked-pot-roast arms grab him. Ampata snatches the plate away, smashes it to the ground, and begins to throttle him when Buffy interrupts, "I'll say one thing for you Incan mummies. You don't kiss and tell." YEAH! Wait. What? Shut up, Buffy. Ampata considerately stops choking Giles for a sec so that Buffy can Slayer-jump up onto the faux bier, then says to her accusingly, "Looks like you've been keeping secrets from me." She dumps Giles over her shoulder and into the Styro-tomb. "You're not a normal girl." "And you are?" Buffy snots. Twirling kicks. Side-kicks. Ampata whaps Buffy into the side of the Styro-tomb and starts to vacu-mummy her, and Buffy head-butts her away, but just a few missed kicks later, Buffy has joined Giles in the Styro-tomb, and Ampata slams the lid down on them both. Willow's running to the rescue when Ampata grabs her by the throat. "This won't hurt," Ampata grits. Willow's choking noises would seem to give the lie to that, but no matter -- enter Xander to say in his manliest tone, "Let her go!" He adds that, if she kisses anyone, it should be him. ["Considering how long it was before Willow and Tara were allowed to kiss, this isn't much of a surprise in retrospect." -- CB] Ampata freezes, then tells him they "can be together. Just...just let me have this one." Xander tells her that "that's never gonna happen." Ampata squawks that she has to do it right then, or it's the end, "for [her] and for [them]," and we get a weird shot where her arms look fine, followed by a cut where they look like Clara Peller again, and she leans into Willow for the mummy smooch, but Xander lets rip with an action-movie "NO!" and yanks Willow away from Ampata: "You want life...you're gonna have to take mine." Wow, that's...not good dialogue at all, is it? Ampata, whose neck is starting to go all Hume Cronyn, stares pleadingly at Xander, who sneers that she can't do it, can she? "Yes. I can." She grabs him and tries to force his head towards hers; Xander resists as, in the background, Buffy boots open the lid of the Styro-tomb. Ampata's face goes completely LaToya Jackson. Buffy rushes up behind Ampata and wrenches her away from Xander -- well, her torso, anyway. Xander is left holding her arms. He shudders and drops the limbs and runs out of frame. Heh. Buffy in turn drops the mummy with an "uch!" and Ampata shatters on the floor.
Buffy and Willow exchange a look, and Willow goes to comfort a sulking Xander, patting his shoulder sweetly. They gather themselves together and all four of them walk out silently, Giles looking over his shoulder as they leave. Shouldn't they, I don't know, clean up? Even a little? Wouldn't leaving all of Giles's gluing stuff there, and the mummy all broken on the ground...you know what? Forget it.
The day at school, Xander apologizes for brooding, but Buffy -- who's wearing a wicked pair of lavender Hush Puppies that I will own -- tells him he doesn't have to talk. Xander crabs that, "present company excluded," he has the worst taste in women "of anyone in the world. Ever." Tough to argue that, but Buffy sweetly reminds him that "Ampata wasn't evil...at least, not to begin with, and I do think she cared about you." Xander comments that the whole mummy-job thing "would have been a strain on the relationship," but Buffy, just when I felt positive towards her for comforting Xander so nicely, makes it all about her again by "explaining" that Ampata "was gypped -- she was just a girl, and she had her life taken away from her!" They stop walking, and Buffy says that, when she heard the prophecy of her own death, she "wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing." Oh, no need to remind us. "Yeah, but you did," Xander says. "You gave up your life." "I had you to bring me back," Buffy smiles. Okay, okay: aw.
Coming up in TWoP's Buffy section: Shut up, Buffy. Also, Couch Baron finally stakes the second season but good. Keep reading!