Prophecy Girl

Wow. This summer was kind of a blur, and now, just like that, it's my last recap before the new season starts. I'm grateful to be closing with one of the best ever episodes of Buffy, although it's one of those episodes that's very difficult to snark on. Thanks to all the posters who took the time to give us props -- it's very meaningful. Big thanks to Ace and Sep, into whose estimable and hilarious hands I now return you. And huge props to Wing and Glark for keeping the site going, and finally to Sars, for that, for giving me this gig, and for so much more. Here we go!

Bronze. Xander, in close-up, is giving a speech to someone about how the two of them are good friends, and it's time to take the step. It's Willow he's talking to, and she's completely enraptured. He continues by asking, "Would you, umdate me?" He then complains that that line is terrible. Turns out he's practicing the speech on Willow, but it's Buffy to whom he wants to say these things. Willow agrees that "date me" won't cut it, and he wonders if he should bring up the "Spring Fling" dance. Wait, didn't they just have the "May Queen" thing? Maybe that wasn't so much a "dance" as a "plot contrivance." He rehearses again: "You know Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, uma mate, and then we can observe theirmating rituals, and tag them before they migrate, just kill me!" Hee. Poor guy -- I think we've all been there. Willow generously says he's doing fine, and he opines that a simple, direct approach will work best. Well, it'll get a simple, direct rejection, at least. He says he wants to tell Buffy now. Willow points out that Buffy's not there, and pathetically offers to let him practice on her some more. Xander wonders what Buffy's doing. Willow: "You know. The usual."

Nice soundless cut to a park lawn. Buffy, in slo-mo, goes flying through the air. She hits the ground, and sound and speed go back to normal. I feel like there's a "sound and fury" joke in there, but I'm too lazy to think of it. Nearby, Cordy and some meathead are in her car. Cordy, you car slut! She starts up, asking what that noise was. A vamp stands over Buffy and smiles evilly. She looks up at him like it's beneath her to be fighting him. Cordy says that someone's out there, but Meathead doesn't think so. Buffy, back in no-sound slo-mo land, does a backward somersault onto her feet, and draws a stake. The vamp's smile fades and reappears on Buffy's face. Normal sound and time resume again, and Buffy quickly stakes him. She says to herself, "Three in one night. Giles would be so proud." Just you wait, girlie.

School. We pan over the skylight in the library, which is a nice choice, given what happens later. We see Giles doing some research. In his office, he has a breakthrough translating something. He reads aloud, "The Master shall rise, and the Slayermy God!" He reaches for his tea, but stops when the cup starts to shake. That guy from "Jitters" must be around. Soon everything's shaking, and we've got a full-on earthquake. At the Bronze, people take cover. Cordy and Meathead look around from inside the car. She's thinking, "This is not what I had in mind when I bought that 'If this car's a-rockin', don't come a knockin'' bumper sticker." Buffy looks skyward. Giles gets out of the office, and several shelves and part of the floor collapse. Cut to the Master hamming it up underground, saying the earthquake is a sign that they're "in the final days." Well, your final days, at least. I liked the Master, but I'm glad they got rid of him when they did -- he was kind of a one-joke character. Plus, replacing all that scenery he chewed must have been expensive. The earthquake stops, and he casually asks the Anointed One, "What do you think? Five point one?" Heh. Credits.

Library. Buffy, in an ugly micro-mini, enters and comments that the damage looks fairly severe, and wonders if they're safe. Giles stares at her in a haze, but finally says that they are indeed safe, although they probably shouldn't go up on the balcony. Perceiving that he's out of sorts, Buffy asks him if he got any sleep. He says that he was working. Buffy fills him in on the evening's hunt, and they realize that the vampires are increasing in number and cockiness. Buffy complains that she had a close call, but Giles is too distracted to react. She whines that she even broke a nail, and says he could at least have a reaction. "You could go, 'Hmm.'" Giles: "Hmm?" Buffy: Eye-roll. Giles apologizes, but says he can't really talk. Buffy says that's okay, because she has to go meet her "terrible fate." Giles jumps at that, but she clarifies, "Biology." She leaves.

Buffy, Xander, and Willow emerge from biology class, complaining about how boring it was. I had biology right after lunch my freshman year of high school. That was not a good recipe for staying awake. Buffy is wearing sunglasses, and I wonder about the fact that that's a rare occurrence for kids on this show. After all, it is California. Willow: "Even I was bored, and I'm a science nerd." Buffy tells her not to say that, but Willow says that nerds are in, as it's the computer age. Then, worriedly: "They're still in, right?" Aw. Nerd. Xander, with all the subtlety of a monster truck, asks Willow if she has a "thing." Hem. Haw. Leave.

Buffy amusedly wonders what's up with Willow, but Xander's got more important things on his mind. Of course, just about everything seemed more important to him than Willow did for the first two seasons. He shoos some guy off a bench in the courtyard, and he and Buffy sit down. He starts to crash and burn, but steels himself for an impressive recovery, directly asking her to the dance "on a date." Buffy's smile fades, and she neutrally claims not to know what to say. Xander gives a great pitch, saying they've been through a lot together, but he wants more. "I want to dance with you." Aw. Although given the way in which we've seen him dance, maybe he should start with an expensive dinner first. Buffy tries to play the "I don't want to ruin our friendship" card, which would have been my cue to give up and try to save face. However, he needs to hear more, pointing out that that's not really the issue. "You either feel a thing, or you don't." Buffy, after a pause: "I don't." Ever see that Simpsons episode where Bart had a crush on his babysitter, voiced by Sara Gilbert, and she told him she had a boyfriend? In a dream sequence, she reached into his chest and ripped out his heart, saying, "You won't be needing this!" That's what just happened to Xander. Buffy tries to apologize. Xander: "I guess a guy's got to be undead to make time with you." Buffy says that's very harsh, but unlike later seasons, allows it without getting upset or self-righteous. Xander apologizes, saying he doesn't handle rejection well. "Funny, considering all the practice I've had, huh?" When Xander is breaking my heart in the first ten minutes of an episode, it's time to get out some extra tissues, you know what I mean? He leaves. The Tinkly Piano Of Pain plays. Buffy looks sad.

Giles is in his office, on the phone. As he speaks, Miss Calendar appears in the doorway. Giles tells the person on the other end that he needs to see him or her. "I realize that. Come after sundown?" From that, we can gather that he's speaking to Angel. When he hangs up, Miss Calendar pipes up that Giles is wearing the same clothes as the day before. Yeah, he didn't have any clothes at my place, sowhoops. Giles says he's not up to socializing, but Miss Calendar says she's aware that something weird is going on. He's startled, and asks what she knows. She explains that people send a lot of occult-related stuff her way, and that apocalyptic things have been happening, the highlights of which were a cat giving birth to snakes, a baby born with its eyes facing inward, and the advent of a TV show called Dawson's Creek. Okay, she only said the first two. And this site probably wouldn't exist without that show, so I guess I don't really mean it. Do I? Sars? ["Our official letterhead reads 'End Of Days Without Pity.' Carry on." -- Sars] She goes on that, if they throw in the earthquake, "the end is pretty seriously nigh." Giles doesn't know if he can trust her, but she refers to her help in "I Robot, You Jane" for credibility. When that episode is your best character reference, you've got serious problems. She says that she's scared, and what's more, some monk from Cortona (let me forget IRYJ already, please!) has been emailing her about a prophecy concerning the Anointed One. Giles worriedly tells her to talk to the monk and find out what he knows. She agrees after he promises that he'll explain himself later. And sleep with her. Well, I thought that was implied.

Cordelia and Meathead, in the hallway. She asks him to do some Spring Fling-related stuff, and they make plans to meet at the Bronze the morning. She spies Willow, and goes up to her, saying she likes her outfit. Willow: "No you don't." Cordy: "No, I really don't. But I need a favor." Heh. And Willow's outfit is hideous, for the record. Her sweater has bell-bottomed sleeves. Fashion, have you met disaster? Our favorite doormat asks what Cordy needs. She says that the Bronze won't let them use the house sound system, so she needs Willow to hook up the one they'll be bringing in. Willow sees Xander tossing a tennis ball at the wall in an empty classroom. She distractedly agrees to meet Cordy at the Bronze at 10 AM, and walks away. Entering the classroom, she asks Xander how it went with Buffy. Xander delivers possibly my all-time favorite line of his: "On a scale of one to ten? It sucked." He continues that Buffy "couldn't care less" about him. He just went up, like, a notch for not saying "could care less." People who say that need to be brought down hard. Willow says she's sorry, but points out that at least now he knows. Knows that the object of his affection will never touch him? I'm guessing "motivational speaker" isn't part of your career path, Willow. Brightening, Xander says that he and Willow can go together, but she turns him down. He's surprised, and now it's her turn to break my heart: "You think I want to go to the dance with you and watch you wish you were at the dance with her? You think that's my idea of hijinks? You should know better." Beautifully understated sentiment, and testament to how much the show used to rely on acting rather than anvils. Xander fumbles for words. Willow sincerely says she's sorry that it didn't work out with Buffy, and leaves. Xander resumes throwing the ball against the wall. He says he's going to go home and listen to country music, "the music of pain." It really is, too.

Night. Buffy gets a stake out of her locker as a couple of random girls walk by. Okay, it's late spring, right? When would the sun be setting -- around 8:30? So what are these random people still doing at school? Buffy goes to the sink and turns on the water. When she looks down, creepy music plays. Blood is running out of the faucet. If only they could have kept it that way for the vamps, we could all live in peace. Of course, it wouldn't be much of a show. Cut to Buffy entering the library, muttering that Giles isn't going to believe this. She stops short when she sees Angel talking to Giles in the office. She smiles, and walks closer. They're discussing a prophecy written in the Pergamum Codex. Giles says that nothing in that book doesn't come to pass. Angel tells Giles that he must be reading it wrong. Giles: "I wish to God I were. But it's very plain. Tomorrow night Buffy will face the Master, and she will die." Long shot of Buffy's shocked face. I really miss the way they used to cut to commercials with no music.

Buffy, in the doorway, starts laughing. Angel and Giles exchange a look, and follow her out of the office. The scene that follows could be considered the crowning achievement of SMG's career. I can't do justice to the level of emotion that accompanies these words, but five and a half years after it aired, I still watch this entire scene with a lump in my throat. Buffy: "So that's it, huh? I remember the drill. One Slayer dies, the one's called! I wonder who she is." To Giles: "Will you train her? Or will they send someone else?" Her voice breaking now: "Does it say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt?" Angel moves toward her, but she yells at him not to touch her. Turning back to Giles, somewhat accusingly: "Were you even gonna tell me?" Giles says he was hoping to find a way around it, to which Buffy says she has one: She quits. Angel says it's not that simple, but Buffy isn't hearing it, and says they can find someone else to stop the Master. Giles start to talk about the signs of the apocalypse, but Buffy screams, "Read me the signs!" She throws a book at him. "Tell me my fortune! You're so useful sitting here with all of your books! You're really a lot of help!" Giles, in a small voice: "No, I don't suppose I am." Anyone else want to break my heart fifteen minutes in? Thank God David Boreanaz can't act his way out of a paper bag. Speaking of whom, he tries to tell her they'll figure something out, but Buffy says she already has, and frankly, I think she has a point. How do they know what would happen if she just holed up with Mr. Gordo and a box of Snackwells for the night? Giles tries one last time to tell her how grave a situation it would be if the Master were to rise, but Buffy cries, "I don't care!" She softly repeats that, and utters the now-famous line, "Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't want to die." The Tinkly Piano plays. She throws her cross necklace to the ground and stalks out, leaving an utterly defeated Angel and Giles to look at each other.

Willow, at home, regards a picture of herself and Xander. Significantly -- and again, subtly -- Buffy is not in it. Willow calls him. He's lying on his bed, upside-down from our angle, listening to Patsy Cline's remake of "I Fall To Pieces." Very nice choice. He picks up the phone, hangs it up, and takes it off the hook.

Buffy, in her room, looks through a photo album. Some cheesy song that I can't be bothered to look up plays, the only false musical choice in this episode. Joyce enters and asks what's wrong, having noted that Buffy didn't eat anything. Buffy hopefully asks her mom if they can go away for the weekend. "We can talk about all the embarrassing things you love to bring up." Aw. Joyce says she has to work, and asks about Spring Fling. Buffy says that someone asked her, but -- "not the right someone," Joyce finishes. She apologizes for the timing, but happily opens Buffy's closet to reveal a pretty full-length sleeveless white dress, saying she saw Buffy eyeing it. Buffy's stunned, and says they can't afford it. Whereas they can afford Buffy's fourteen hundred leather garments? Joyce says it's okay, and opines that Buffy should wear it to the dance. She tells a very endearing story about how she went dateless to a dance in college, and that's where she met Buffy's dad. She succeeds in making Buffy smile for a minute, but then Buffy notes that Joyce had her whole life ahead of her. Joyce agrees. Buffy: "Must be nice." Sniff.

School, the morning. Cordy and Willow walk as Cordy exposits how Meathead flaked on them. She's chagrined to admit that she doesn't care, because she's really into him. Willow's amused. They reach the door to the lounge, where they see some of Meathead's friends sitting on the couch, apparently watching cartoons, although there's a suspicious handprint on the TV. Cordy starts to say how cute that is, but amends it to "annoying." As they chat, we see a view from inside, where everyone is very dead. That shot was creepy, but I'm a little surprised at the choice to let us in on the secret at that point. Cordy opens the door, and Meathead's body falls out. She screams and drops to her knees. All four of the dead kids have huge bite marks on their necks, and there's blood everywhere. Willow slowly enters the room, transfixed with horror. She watches the cartoon (Porky Pig, in case you're wondering) as we see that the handprint on the TV is blood as well. As she stares, dissonant music plays, and we fade to white.

Buffy tries on her dress in front of the mirror. The Tinkly Piano plays. Joyce rushes in to say there was something on the news. "Willow."

Sunset. Again, I don't get the timing. Willow and Cordy were probably in the school by 11 A.M. Whatever. Buffy and Willow sit on what presumably is Willow's parents' bed. Willow huskily tells Buffy that with all she's seen, she thought she could take anything, but not this. Buffy tries to tell her that what's important is that she's okay. Willow: "I'm not okay. I knew those guys. I'd go to that room every day. And when I walked in there, it wasn't our world any more. They made it theirs. And they had fun." Buffy's attitude seems to change with this speech, and she makes Willow promise to stay in that night. She turns to go, but Willow calls after her. She manages to smile through her tears: "I like your dress." Is it possible to watch this episode and not cry? Buffy tells her to take care, the subtext of which could be "because you'll never see me again." Willow looks like that message didn't get by her. Why? Great. Fucking. Acting.

The Master touches the invisible barrier, which ripples out as usual, and mutters, "Soon." He pats the Anointed One on the head, and the A.O. goes up the stairs. The Master repeats, "Soon!" Shouldn't it be "Sooner"?

Miss Calendar is repeating the major plot points of Season One back to Giles. Bless her heart, she manages to do so in about ten seconds. Ah, Season One, where the writers assumed we actually watched the show and weren't pathetically stupid. These days, the writers fail to make those assumptions. The reason for that could be that they're pathetically stupid and only occasionally watch the show. I refuse to sully this recap by mentioning (cough, magic addiction, cough) specific examples from Season Six. Giles, getting weapons out from the cage, asks Miss Calendar if she was able to get in touch with the monk. She tells him the monk's disappeared, but he did send out one last email, referring the recipients to a passage from the Bible. Giles, impressively, knows the passage off the top of his head, which has to do with a child leading some animals somewhere. Giles realizes that the A.O. must be a child. Miss Calendar says they need to alert Buffy to this news, but Giles says he's not going to involve her, and that he's going to face the Master himself. That's one hell of a Watcher, and I have to say, this was the moment where I stopped regarding Giles as a source of occasional comic relief and as a real character. Buffy's voice cuts in: "No you're not." Girl's eavesdropping a bit this episode, isn't she? Well, when you're marked for death, you can relax a bit with the social niceties, I guess. Giles tells her that she was right. "I've waded about in these old books for so long I've forgotten what the real world is like. It's time I found out." I'd be happy to take you on a tour, Giles. Damn, there's that pesky outside voice again. Buffy isn't having it. He impatiently tells her to do what she's told, and that she can't change his mind. She says she knows, and cold-cocks him. Timber! She doesn't even catch him, which seems a little rude. I mean, I know the world's on the line and all, but you wouldn't want him to crack his skull open, would you? Miss Calendar rushes to attend to him, and Buffy puts her cross back on. "When he wakes up, tell himI don't know. Think of something cool. Tell him I said it." Wah! It's so sad! Miss Calendar says she'll die if she faces the Master, but Buffy says she plans to take him with her. She leaves, crossbow in hand.

Buffy leaves the school, and sees the A.O. on the lawn. He asks her to help him, but she says to skip the games. He takes her hand and leads her away.

Library. Willow and Xander are there, and Giles has regained consciousness. Willow did indeed pick up on Buffy's tone, as she called Xander and got him to the school. The kids are panicked. Xander asks Giles, who has an icepack on his jaw, how he could let her go, and receives a snappish but warranted answer about the whole Buffy knocking him out thing. Miss Calendar points out that they also have to worry about the apocalypse. Xander: "Do you mind?" Willow: "How come she's in the club?" Heh. Miss Calendar says everyone will die if they don't stop the apocalypse, which seems like a straightforward concept to me, but Xander says he doesn't care, and that he has to help Buffy. Giles says they don't know where she is, but Xander says he has an idea how to find out. Couldn't they just enter through that mausoleum in "Welcome To The Hellmouth/The Harvest"? Anyway, Xander leaves.

Buffy walks grimly through the sewers, the A.O. at her side.

Angel hears a tap-tap-tapping on his door. It's Xander, who comes busting in. He tells Angel that Buffy's gone to fight the Master. Angel says that the Master will kill her, but Xander says they're going to stop that, and orders Angel to take him to the Master. What the hell is Angel doing just sitting at home? That makes no sense whatsoever. But he looks really hot in this episode, so I'll forgive it. Angel tells Xander he doesn't stand a chance against the Master. Xander: "How can I say this clearly?" He pulls out a big cross and shoves it in Angel's face. He tells Angel that he doesn't like him, but that Buffy thinks of him as a person, and he needs Angel to prove her right. Angel growls that Xander is in love with Buffy. Xander: "Aren't you?" Angel: "I'm rubber and you're glue!" Sorry.

Library. Giles blathers about how powerful the Master is. Miss Calendar scores more points by asking where exactly the Hellmouth will open. Giles realizes what a good question that is, and directs a distracted Willow to get with the research.

Buffy and the A.O. reach the Master's lair, where approximately 60,000 candles are burning. Forget the crossbow -- I think a can of gasoline would have sent him up like a Roman candle. The A.O. points the way, and leaves her. I think it would be hilarious if she staked him before facing the Master, but sadly, she doesn't. She descends the stairs, and hears the Master's voice softly welcome her. He appears, looking pale and savage. She makes a nervous quip about water damage. The Master: "Oh, good. The feeble banter portion of the fight." He starts to say something else, but Buffy quickly fires the crossbow at him. He casually catches the bolt right in front of his heart, and compliments her aim.

Angel and Xander make their way through the sewers. Xander chides Angel for checking out his neck. Angel denies it, and I actually find him funny when he's the victim of a misunderstanding. Like the time on Angel where a guy thought Angel was hitting on him -- he always tries to apologize, and no one ever believes him. Anyway, they continue on.

Buffy reloads, but the Master says she won't kill him with the crossbow. She glances down, and when she looks up again, he's gone.

Library. Giles says that the vampires in town know the Master is supposed to rise, and will be his army. Willow points out that the last time the Master tried to rise, his minions gathered him fresh blood. They conclude that, with the dance and all, the vamps will be gathering at the Bronze, and Miss Calendar and Willow set out to deliver a warning. Since it's nighttime, couldn't they be there already? And, given that possibility, wouldn't it be prudent to call? And why the hell doesn't everyone on this damn show carry a cross at all times? I hate to point out flaws in such a masterful episode, but it's my job. Or I'm just very, very petty.

Buffy seeks the Master out. I'd think she'd ditch the crossbow at this point -- it's no good for hand-to-hand combat. She tries to get him to show his face, but in surround-sound voice he says he wants the moment to last. Soon, however, he appears behind her so quickly that I jump. He easily knocks the crossbow away (see what I'm talking about?) and grabs her by the throat.

Miss Calendar fumbles with her car keys. Willow asks what they'll do if the vamps are already at the Bronze. Hello, I just said that! Pay attention! Miss Calendar looks up, and says that's not an issue, because they're not going to the Bronze. We see that they're surrounded by a bunch of vamps. They're walking slowly, which makes them look more like zombies straight out of Night Of The Living Dead. I expect to hear, "Brains!" No such luck.

Buffy knocks the Master's arm away and runs, but he reaches his hand out and goes all Jedi, holding her in place with his mind. He walks over to her and removes her jacket. He tells her how noble it was of her to try to stop him. The look on her face is enough to convey that she knows it's the end of her life. He gloats that she only knew part of the prophecy, and the kicker is that her coming is what sets him free. A tear rolls down her cheek as she realizes that her death will be in the service of evil. He finishes, "If you hadn't come, I couldn't go. Think about that." He bites her, and is overcome with the power her blood gives him. She loses consciousness, and he lets her drop. "By the way" -- she falls face-first into a puddle of water -- "I like your dress." Okay, snerk. I notice that Buffy is wearing high heels, which can't be a good choice to fight an ancient vampire in. Hey, I have to latch onto something to distract me from the fact that Buffy just died. It was a novel thing back then, you know. The Master shoves his hand through the barrier, breaking it in a burst of white light. He leaves.

Angel and Xander see the light. Angel says it's too late, but they rush on anyway. Angel reaches Buffy first. She's laid out in the water like a Christ figure. He grabs her and pulls her out, but upon checking her breathing and her pulse, he pronounces her dead. Xander looks on inscrutably.

After the break, Xander says she's not dead. Angel points out that she's not breathing, but Xander says that if she drowned, they have a shot at reviving her with CPR. I'm willing to suspend my disbelief that Xander would actually know CPR, since it is Buffy's life we're talking about. Angel says that Xander has to do it, as he has no breath. I'd be willing to suspend my disbelief on that point, too, were it not for the fact that Angel was panting when he reached Buffy just then. They get to work. Xander desperately urges Buffy to wake up.

Willow and Miss Calendar watch the vamps advance until they hear tires squeal behind them. They turn, and it's Cordy, who urgently tells them to get in.

Xander continues to work on Buffy, telling her to breathe. Just as Angel lowers his head in defeat, Buffy opens her eyes, seemingly suffused with some new power. She coughs up about a teaspoon of water. Xander and Angel smile at each other. Well, there's a first (and last) time for everything. Buffy focuses on Xander, and says his name. He welcomes her back. Why couldn't Xander's show of bravery and maturity have been parlayed into something permanent? Not the last time I'll be asking that, I daresay.

Miss Calendar and Willow hurry into Cordy's car. A vamp appears on the windshield, and they scream. Willow says they have to get to the library, and Cordy sets her jaw and floors it. She turns around, throwing off the vamp that was on the car, and drives straight through some doors into the school, busting two large holes as she goes. Go Cordy! I love that part. Giles hears the ruckus (uh, what ruckus?) and gets up. Cordy drives right up to the library doors, and the girls run in with the vamps hot on their tails. They barricade the doors with whatever they can find. We see a shot from the other side of the library. Giles asks why the vamps are coming there. In the foreground, we get an answer, as a large tentacle slithers into view.

The Master walks out onto the roof of the school. He crows about his "beautiful world." Uh, if it's so great, why are you trying to destroy it? Just checking.

Angel and Xander help Buffy to her feet, and tell her that the Master's gone up. She starts to walk away. Xander says she's still weak, but Buffy corrects him. "I feel strong. I feel differentlet's go." From this, I think we're meant to understand that there was a two-way transference of power between her and the Master. And even if that's wrong, I'd rather they explain too little than give us some crap-ass story like "magic addiction." I will never forgive them for that. Oh, shit, I really sullied the recap this time. Damn.

Library. Giles realizes that some vamps are trying to get in through the stacks, and Willow and Miss Calendar try to stop them. They get some shelves in front of the entrance. Giles heads for his office to get weapons as a tentacle moves close to Willow's leg. A vamp breaks through the glass to one of the library doors and grabs Cordy's arm. She screams for help.

Outside, the Buffy theme music plays as she, Angel, and Xander stride purposefully toward the school. Xander asks how she knows where the Master is, but Buffy just says she knows. A vamp gets in their way. Buffy deadpans, "Oh, look. A bad guy." She decks him without pausing. Goofy moment, but it worked for me. They reach the stairs to the roof. Buffy tells them to keep the vamps off her, and for Angel to put his game face on. That seems unnecessary, but he complies. Buffy: "One way or another, this won't take long." Well, sure -- there are only four minutes left. She goes up the stairs. Xander hilariously tries to strike a cool pose while holding a stake. I'll leave it to you to guess whether he succeeds.

Cordy bites the vamp that's holding her. "See how you like it!" Heh. The aforementioned tentacle wraps around Willow's ankle, and she and Miss Calendar scream and go crashing to the floor. They hear a rumbling, and a very large three-headed demon comes forth from below. The heads each look a lot like the space slug from The Empire Strikes Back, but with a lot of tentacles. Giles breathes, "The Hellmouth." Only he does so in a strangely demonologically fascinated way that seems scary and wrong.

The Master observes this scene from the skylight, and encourages the Hellmouth to come forth into his world. Buffy's voice cuts through, "I don't think it's yours just yet." He looks at her, flustered, saying she's dead. She says she's still pretty. She also seems to have some sort of preternatural hair-drying capability. The Master says it was written that she would die. Buffy: "What can I say? I flunked the written." The Master's not amused, and pulls that Jedi trick again.

Chaos in the library. Giles grabs an axe and starts choppin' him some Hellmouth. I don't understand how the vamps wouldn't have gotten in by now.

Buffy moves to the Master, and he grabs her throat again. He almost conversationally asks her, "Did you really think you could best me here when you couldn't below?" Buffy: "You have fruit-punch mouth." Ha! He's confused, and she gives him Buffy-punch mouth. She sneers, "Save the hypnosis crap for the tourists," and kicks him, hard. They fight, pretty convincingly.

Library. Giles gets knocked into a wooden table, which breaks, leaving a convenient large splintered piece of wood pointing skyward. Outside, a couple vamps set upon Angel and Xander. Xander protects himself with a cross. Angel dispatches his foe, and Xander punches his.

The battle in the library is almost lost, as Giles, Miss Calendar, and Willow are all cornered by different heads of the Hellmouth.

Buffy does a flip over the Master, and kicks him. He whirls and grabs her by the throat. She quickly looks through the skylight, and sees the wooden protrusion. He snarls, "Where are your jibes now? Will you laugh when my hell is on earth?" Buffy, in a steely voice: "You're that amped about hell?" I have to remind myself that when this originally aired, people still actually said "amped." She grabs his throat, which makes much more of an impression. "Go there." She flips him over, and he crashes through the skylight. He's neatly impaled on the pointed splinter of table. Instead of combusting, his skin disintegrates away, until there's nothing left but a skeleton. The Hellmouth pulls a brave, brave Sir Robin.

The gang convenes in the library. Xander informs those who didn't know that Buffy died. Giles: "I should have known that wouldn't stop you." Aw. They decide to go to the Bronze. Buffy's hair is back to wet and scraggly, which I'll just ignore. Miss Calendar presciently asks about the Master, but Buffy thinks he's not going anywhere. They all walk out, and we can make out some of their separate comments. Giles says he's not dancing; Cordy takes credit for driving into the school, and Angel says he really likes Buffy's dress. Buffy: "Yeah, yeah. Big hit with everyone." They leave us to wonder whether they'll be back for another season. Thank God they were. Final shot: The Master's bones.

Yay! We got a classic season done! Tune in on rerun weeks for more classic recaps -- in the meantime, let's hope Season Seven is watchable, for everyone's sake, but especially Ace and Sep's.