The Pack

Eion Bailey. Hee.

We open at the zoo, with a shot of a sign pointing one way to the elephants, another to the reptiles, and another to the hyenas. Which one is going to be important in this episode, given its title? The camera pans down to show Buffy, clad in thigh-high boots and an ugly tan brushed-leather coat. Four teens approach her. Let me describe them in detail, as it'll make the recap clearer and easier. Plus, I'm dying to rip them to shreds. There are two boys and two girls. One boy, a blond, looks vaguely like Blake from Queer as Folk, so Blake he shall be. And I wouldn't be surprised if he were hanging out with Blake right now, if you know what I mean. One of the girls looks a bit like Fairuza Balk, only nowhere near as bitchy or scary. She'll be Balk Lite. I'm highly ashamed to say that I recognize the other girl as Jennifer Sky, sporting a blonde bowl cut. She played a recurring character on Xena for a short period, and according to the IMDb, she'll be appearing on Fastlane this fall. Poor Kim. However, the most embarrassing "credit" I can find on Sky's rsum is that she played the title character in the short-lived series Cleopatra 2525. So she'll be Miss Cleo, because it amuses me. You think I write these recaps for you? And last, and very definitely least, we have Eion Bailey. After annoying appearances on shows such as Dawson's Creek, he headlined a god-awful show called Significant Others, which I'm even more ashamed to say I saw all two episodes of. He'll be Feyon, because he feys his way through this role. And now, for an in-depth symposium entitled "Why Eion Bailey Sucks," I present to you guest lecturer Sars. ["Thank you, Couch Baron. [clears throat] Eion Bailey sucks for the following reasons: 1) He sucks. 2) We already have a Paul Rudd, one who's actually, you know, not a fugster. 3) He's a horrible actor. 4) He sucks. 5) It's called 'a razor,' Demi-Don Johnson. Get one. 6) He sucks. Here endeth the lesson." -- Sars]

Collectively, these four will be known as "The Prat Pack." I originally came up with "The Pack-thetic," but I like this better. Sars suggested the "(S)peeyack," which I like as well. I smell a poll question.

The Prat Pack starts with sad attempts at snark. Feyon's first: "Oh look, it's Buffy and all her friends." He's wearing a bright yellow collared shirt. I know it's California and all, but if they're trying to depict these four as the bad element at Sunnydale High, couldn't their clothes have been made a little edgier? They're called vintage shops, Prat Pack. Look into them. Buffy's amused until Balk Lite brings up Buffy's old school. Her face falls. They walk off, but not before Blake mock-warns them, "Careful. She might beat you up." I think he's referring to the stories that circulated about why Buffy got kicked out of Hemery. Willow and Xander rush up excitedly, and tell Buffy they saw the zebras mating. Willow: "It was like the Heimlich, with stripes!" There's a joke there somewhere, I'm sure of it. Buffy doesn't share their enthusiasm, and Xander points out that she's not really in the spirit of the trip. She whinges that they took the same trip at her old school every year. Yeah, but Buffy, this is the Sunnydale Zoo! Why waste your time with animals that have never lived on a Hellmouth? Xander points out the obvious --namely that the trip means no classes -- and Buffy perks up.

Cut to a geeky-looking guy taking notes. He looks like a cross between Screech from Saved By The Bell and Kevin McDonald from The Kids In The Hall. The Prat Pack harass the kid, whose name is Lance. And by "harass," I mean that they say things to him that might intimidate an eight-year-old. Blake grabs his notebook, and hijinks ensue until Principal Flutie comes up and demands to know what's going on. Feyon takes about a minute to come up with the witty rejoinder, "Nothing." Flutie: "Did I ask you to speak?" Hee. "Okay, I guess I did, but I want the truth. Lance?" Lance predictably tells him nothing, and Flutie leaves. The Prat Pack are all about Lance now, and invite him to check out the hyena house. Lance says that it's off-limits. Feyon: "And therein, my friend, lies the fun." Okay, do I need to point out that no bully in the world (except possibly a TWoP employee) would use the word "therein"? Shut up, Feyon.

They head into the hyena house, the entrance to which is decorated with yellow "Caution" tape. Buffy, Willow, and Xander observe the group, and think that Lance might be in trouble. Buffy says she'll check it out, but Xander wants to prove his manliness and goes in instead. What chutzpah. Willow and Buffy decide they should back him up, but are stopped by a man I'll dub Zookeeper Exposition, who's definitely getting a "Hey, It's That Guy!" from me. Time to visit the IMDb againI'm back. His name's James Stephens, and he's had a bunch of movie and TV guest-star appearances. Nothing exciting. Oh, well. Z.E. says that hyenas are quick to prey on the weak. Wow, thanks! It's not like I learned about predators when I was six or anything. He goes on that the house is quarantined, because the hyenas just arrived from Africa. Uh, shouldn't they have been cleared before they got to the zoo? The zookeeper must be lying! Why no, I've never watched this episode before. Or TV at all. More blather about hyenas understanding and mimicking human speech in order to lure humans to a grisly death by eating. Yawn. Would you like to tell us anything else that's going to unfold on the screen in the forty minutes?

Lance and the Prat Pack enter the hyena house and look around. Lance: "I don't see any hyenas." A hyena pops its head up. Oh, you wacky, unpredictable Joss, you! And what's this I hear about cowboys in space? Lance wants to leave, but the Prat Pack grab him and pull him up to the railing. Wouldn't the hyenas be completely caged? Sigh. Lance is freaked, but Xander comes to the rescue and pulls him away. Lance moves to a safe distance away. Feyon and Xander posture a bit, but the hyena growls, and the five of them turn to look. The hyena's eyes glow green, as do those of Blake and Balk Lite. The hyena's eyes glow again, and now so do Feyon's and Miss Cleo's. An aerial shot shows us that the kids are standing on a large painted symbol that looks vaguely like a crocodile's open mouth. Lance turns to run, but trips and falls. Xander keeps his back to us for dramatic effect, but the other four turn to look at him. Blake has an expression on his face like he's just taken a shower at the Oswald Correctional Facility, but the others start cackling like, well, hyenas. Lance runs out. Xander turns, and as he does, his eyes glow green as well. Ruh roh! Credits.

The Bronze. Buffy and Willow talk about guys. Meaning, of course, that they talk about Xander and Angel. Willow asks Buffy if she noticed Xander behaving strangely on the bus ride home. Buffy says no, but that she's not as "hyper-aware" of him as Willow is. Or aware of him at all, really. Ignorance truly is bliss. Buffy teases that she's not constantly monitoring "his health, his moods, his blood pressure" Willow pipes up, "130 over 80." Aw. So cute. And yet, to paraphrase Angelus, "Gosh, Willthat's really pathetic." Buffy: "You got it bad, girl." Thanks, home slice. Willow says that Xander makes her tingly (ew, not like that. I hope. Ew) and asks Buffy if anyone makes her feel that way. Buffy says no, but Willow brings up Angel. Buffy admits that he's a "honey," and I don't know whether to giggle or be horrified at that characterization. I think I'll settle for an uncomfortable combination of the two. She babbles a bit until Willow happily says, "There he is!" Buffy: "Angel?" No, it's Xander. He checks out a girl as he walks in, and there's a certain animal magnetism. Geddit? He walks over, and starts chomping on Buffy's croissant that's been sitting untouched in front of her this whole scene. Buffy cocks an eyebrow. Willow anxiously asks him if he still wants her to tutor him in geometry the day, and he distractedly says yes. He's acting weird enough that they want to know what's wrong. Willow: "Did I do something?" Aw. Poor, doormat-y Willow. He assures her that he's fine. He then sniffs Buffy, and notes that she took a bath, but says that's okay. Buffy: "And the weird behavior award goes to" Well, I don't know, but the crappiest lines award goes to you in this scene.

Lightning crashes. An old mother dies. Oh, sorry. Cut to the gym, where the kids are lined up in two rows facing each other. The gym teacher, a man that looks in his early fifties, walks down the row and gives this speech: "It's raining. All regular gym classes have been postponed. So you know what that means. Dodgeball." Hee! Buffy and Willow exchange a look. As the teacher walks, we see that Xander, Lance, and the Prat Pack are all on the same side. Blake gives another smoldering look, and is the only male wearing a tank top in the whole class. God, he looks gay. In the real sense and in the Smurfy sense. Not that he's not cute, but still. The teacher continues, "For those of you that may have forgotten, the rules are as follows: You dodge." Hee. The game starts. Several kids get hit, but not the Prat Pack. Willow survives for a while, but eventually Xander hits her, hard. She looks at him reproachfully, and sits down. Soon, the only ones left are Xander, Lance, and the Prat Pack on one side, and Buffy on the other. Pretty predictable so far. But in the first part of the episode that I really like, the Prat Pack and Xander slowly turn to Lance, and start whaling on him with the dodgeballs. Buffy rushes over and helps Lance to his feet. He steps behind her, and she and Xander throw visual gauntlets. Xander turns to go, and the Prat Pack follows, but not before Blake throws another smoldering look in the direction of the gym teacher. The teacher mutters, "God, this game is brutal. I love it." What happened to that guy?

Xander and the Prat Pack walk into the hall. Willow's waiting, and she sticks her chin out and calls Xander's name. He comes over, not out of earshot of the Prat Pack. He says he knows he's been different around her, and that his feelings have been changing. At this point, Buffy appears and goes to her locker, putting her in earshot of the conversation as well. Xander continues that he's dropping geometry (since when do you get a choice about taking geometry?) and says he won't be needing her tutoring services any more. "Which means I won't have to look at your pasty face again." Ouch. He and the Prat Pack laugh loudly. Willow can't believe it, but finally takes off. Buffy slams her locker and slowly approaches Xander. They respect her enough to momentarily stop laughing, but start again when she says, "You gonna say something to me?" They walk off. Buffy looks very concerned.

Xander leads the Prat Pack outside. Feyon feys. Xander sniffs the air and announces, "Dogs." They walk over to a table where two Phish-fan types are having some musical argument. I'm amazed that they both have had more lines so far than Miss Cleo. They ask Xander for his opinion. Miss Cleo and Blake grab their hot dogs. The Phish fans protest. Feyon gets his one good line of the episode: "You're sharing." Miss Cleo and Blake sample the dogs. I half-expected Blake to start sucking on his. Xander asks if they're good, but Blake says they're too well-done. I bet you like your meat raw, Blake. Miss Cleo cracks me up by cleaning off her fingers with a napkin. It just seems so incongruous. Xander sniffs again, and the Prat Pack is off, but not before Blake caresses one of the Phish guys' shoulders under the guise of wiping his hand off.