In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Saul and Nora's mother has been hit by a bus! It seems she's developed dementia almost overnight, and there is no choice but for her to move in with Nora. But, Marion Ross would rather live in a nursing home. And pretty soon Nora agrees with her. Especially after she sets the kitchen on fire. But when Nora tries to please her too much, Ida opts for assisted living over her daughter, which smarts. But in a moment of dementia, Ida says something kind about Nora, and that will just have to suffice.
Kitty's opponent for the Senate has started a campaign complaining that both Kitty and The Senator are on death's door and are far too weak and hooked up to IVs and can't possibly raise their arms to vote for the needs of Californians. But who cares about health woes, when The Senator has a believability issue. Seems The Senator wasn't totally honest with Kitty about why he was denied his dream job. He said it was because of his health, but somebody powerful (specifically, Dr. Anspaugh from E.R.) blackballed him because his country needs him for something else. Pretty sure that same thing happened to Eriq LaSalle. Kitty figures out that he is hiding something and calls him on it. But all The Senator can tell her is that "They" prevented him from getting the job because "They" want his help with something as yet undisclosed. If The Senator is not the new Jack Bauer by the end of this season I am going to have WORDS with the writers.
File under things I didn't need to know: Sarah and Kitty's cycles have synced up. This is important because Sarah's period is late. She's a Man Trap! It's all a plan to keep Luc in the country or at least to make him come back! Sarah doesn't take a test, though, but she does make Kitty feel her up. But when Kevin blurts something out during a conversation with his sisters and Luc overhears it, Sarah ends up peeing on a stick. While they wait those two long minutes, Luc says a whole bunch of wrong things about needing a baby to stay together. Sarah gets mad, but it's all for naught: she's not pregnant. But she'll always have wine. After a few bottles (Seven, actually. What, she's not pregnant.) she's ready to make up with him. Then, just as Luc packs his last parka the doorbell rings: Luc got his Green Card hand delivered by cherubs riding unicorns.
Speaking of pregnancy, Kevin is panicking about Michelle's pregnancy hormone levels, and Scotty logically suggests they visit a psychic. She senses new life and a big dark cloud, too. Scotty and Kevin spend the rest of the episode debating the accuracy of the psychic's predictions, which is more cute than annoying, but just because it is Kevin and Scotty and not, say, Justin and Rebecca. At the end of the day, they get the call: Michelle is officially, medically pregnant.
Even though Justin and Rebecca eloped, they still get gift registry. Fuckers. But what Rebecca really wants is a house (specifically, a cute little bungalow up Sunset). Since she gave all her money to Ojai, she's out of luck. More interestingly, one of Justin's military buddies died fighting, and Justin heads off to the funeral. As the duly elected representative of the State of California, The Senator is also at the funeral. When Justin mentions feeling wistful about not being in the fight and mentions wishing he could serve his country in a larger capacity, The Senator gets to thinking. He decides to take whatever the fuck Man in Black Ops job they are offering him that will take him away from my TV screen. There is a lot of patriotic fist-shaking at the television right now.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Saul is sitting alongside a hospital bed when Nora rushes into the room. Their mother was hit by a bus, but miraculously she sustained merely a sprained ankle. Wow Miracles ARE everywhere. Nora didn't even know her mother was in town, which just goes to show what a lousy relationship these two have. Did you get that? LOUSY RELATIONSHIP. I just have a suspicion that will be important later. Saul, however, calls his mother on occasion and knew she was in town visiting someone named Eunice. I am pretty sure we don't know who that is. Nora points out that Ida's hair is looking Marcia Gay Harden poofy, but Saul kicks her in the shin because: TIMING, Nora, really. A young whippersnapper doctor comes into the room and explains that Ida was hit by the bus and then was incoherent and disoriented for over an hour in the hospital. He announces that after this incident, Ida can no longer live alone in New Mexico. She might run over a cactus or a novelty-sized bottle of tequila or Tila Tequila for that matter or wander into Arizona and not have proper identification. He won't release her from the hospital until Saul and Nora have come up with a plan for round-the-clock care and supervision, be it nursing home or at their home. Saul and Nora shake their fist at the perky upstart doctor who doesn't have to live with his Grouchy Grandma and then they start playing Paper Rock Scissors to see who has to tell Ida the Grouch. Not it!
At 5:30 in the morning, Kitty jumps up and down squealing at the sleeping senator. Kitty, that shit'll get you killed in this household. The Senator is all kinds of confused (but still hot!) when he wakes up to find Kitty looming over him and railing against the press for claiming that she and The Senator are too sick to serve their country. Which is a big old load of poop to be sure, but clearly it could wait until at least the crack of dawn to be debated. Kitty hands The Senator the paper so he can see the incriminating article for himself. But when he flips to the sports section and sighs that he missed the end of the baseball game, Kitty is not amused. How can he not care when they are calling him sickly. Add that (paltry, measly, 19th century) insult to the injury of being denied a job due to arrhythmia when quadruple quadruple bypass Dick Cheney is still employed or at least on Meet the Press. The Senator still doesn't care, which bothers Kitty, but I'm still saying that at 5:30 a.m. beggars cannot be choosy about how the recipients of their early early edition rants respond. Kitty does the only sensible thing and IMs Sarah, who is obviously awake because BEING AWAKE AT %*@! 5:30 IN THE MORNING IS TOTALLY NORMAL at least for crack addicts and new parents. Sarah is awake because moaning over your boyfriend's deportation is best done over a pot of General Foods International Coffee Ennui-flavored blend. It has a hint of melancholy and cinnamon, with an undercurrent of baby's tears. She is sooooooo depressed about losing the love of her life due to an administrative deadline. She's been crying all week, even in meetings! (I bet they taught her that at Wharton.) She can't live without him. She won't live without him! But, no, she won't marry him, so QUIT ASKING. Kitty rolls her eyes as her IM pings again. This time, Kevin joins the UnSlumber Party. Sarah is bitching that her period hasn't come yet which is why she is so emotional or something, but Kitty's not listening. She is calling Kevin. Kevin greets her with a stage whispered question: When she was pregnant, what were her HCG levels? Yeah, nice question to ask someone who miscarried, chump. Kitty doesn't remember, but she also can't hear Kevin because he is whispering. He can't talk louder because he promised Scotty that he wouldn't harass anyone with his anxiety-riddled questions about pregnancy hormone levels. Also, IT'S 5:30 IN THE MORNING! Kevin mumbles something about how Sarah could just feel herself up when she was pregnant, but he can't really feel Michelle up, now can he? I don't know, actually, maybe he can. Maybe it's in the surrogacy contract. When Kevin mentions pregnancy boobs, Kitty gets a big idea and hangs up on Kevin. She clicks back to Sarah and tells her that her period is late. Squee! Sarah doesn't believe it until Kitty tells her that their periods synced (File THAT under things I didn't need to know) and she got hers over a week ago. Sarah is late! That's why she is so emotional. Sarah hangs up on her. But then she checks her boobs and looks suspicious.
Kevin has managed to wake Scotty. Which is not surprising because as they like to remind us, they live in a LOFT and one of the risks of Loft-living is that even stage whispers at 5:30 in the morning will wake your loved ones. Also, having the lights on and cackling. Scotty comes out of the bedroom and groggily shouts, "J'accuse!" and denounces Kevin for calling Michelle at that infernal hour and having her assess the tenderness of her breasts. Kevin denies it, but Scotty squints at him and forces him to admit that he was Googling HCG levels. Kevin glares back at him and Scotty suggests he stay the hell off the internet and that they go see a movie to keep their minds off of the potential pregnancy. That's a great idea Scotty, except that I doubt, EVEN IN L.A., that the movie theaters are open at 5:30 IN THE MORNING. Kevin starts looking through the listings, but Scotty is more intrigued by the ad for the Psychic. Yeah, nothing to get your mind off the future like paying money to see the future.
At the hospital, Ida is awake and already far far snarkier than I will ever be. Saul is asking her to tell them everything she remembers from last night, but she has no interest in reliving the gory details. Saul insists though, so she relents and explains that she left Chicago. Nora interrupts and helpfully reminds her that they are in Los Angeles. Ida just about hits her upside the head explaining to the morons that she was talking about the play Chicago. Then she got lost and ended up here. She wants Saul to hurry up and fill out the paperwork so she can get home. Saul nudges Nora who apparently lost the round of eenie-meenie and gets to tell Ida the bad news. Nora haltingly explains that the doctors think Ida shouldn't live alone any more. They are worried that she will have another episode. Ida wants Nora to bring her those doctors so she can smack 'em with her purse. Ida has NO intention of being shuffled off to live in a nursing home. She is going to live with Saul. Saul quickly says no because he has work and a small house and it would never work. It's pretty unfair of him to not even consider the possibility, especially because it means that Nora has no choice. So Nora offers. In fact, she even says "please". Ida looks at her and shakes her head; she would rather live in a nursing home. Nora is startled by that little revelation which will undoubtedly result in many thousands of dollars in therapy bills. Then she smiles at Ida and says she is coming home with her anyway.
Justin and Rebecca are acting like all newlywed couples: Both on their laptops, not talking. Aww they really are married. Rebecca is cooing over her registry booty. If you elope, do you really get to register? I thought the only reason anyone suffered through a wedding was for gift registry. As Rebecca looks around their kitchen for a corner to let their new breadmaker get dusty, she kind of pouts that the house that she fell in love with is for sale. Justin rolls his eyes, because he is in school and she just gave away her trust fund to the flailing family business. If she wanted an adorable bungalow up Sunset Boulevard to store her 12 dinner settings, then she should have bought the damn thing instead of forcing her two million dollars down Holly's throat. Rebecca sticks out her lower lip, because the TRUTH makes her pouty. But then Justin gets an email saying that a friend he fought alongside in Iraq has died in Afghanistan and Rebecca suddenly feels guilty for pouting over bungalows. Justin looks really sad as he notes that he didn't even know the guy was still over there. War is sad. Hold me.
Nora is helping her very cranky mother up the stairs of Walker Manor when the doorbell rings. Nora barks at whomever to come in and Saul barges into the house. Speaking of dementia, Saul is wearing a red plaid lumberjack shirt with a red striped tie. It's giving me the headaches just looking at it. Nora ditches Ida on the stairs to greet Saul, giving Ida the perfect opportunity to accuse Nora of abandoning her and making a big spectacle of dragging herself up. Nora has reached out to people from the Nora McDonald House (wait, what? Oh yeah, her charitable organization that she completely ignores because she needs time to stuff squab) to find out about helping the crotchety elderly. She found a walker and a mahjongg partner all with one phone call! Saul wants to make sure Nora understands what she is giving up by taking Ida in, which is pretty lame considering he knows Ida doesn't want to go to a nursing home and he won't take her in because she would be blinded by his color -pattern choices and overtly gay lifestyle and she might cry or something. Nora glares at him and remains resolute in her decision to keep Ida with her. In fact, she's going to have a dinner party to welcome Ida to Walker Manor. Ida doesn't strike me as a squab kind of girl.
Kevin and Scotty have found a psychic who operates during the daylight hours. While psychic is dispensing stellar wisdom about a journey for a family membe
r, Kevin is critiquing the décor, much to Scotty's embarrassment. Although you think he would be inoculated against it by now. Scotty is convinced that Luc is the person on the journey. The psychic then moves on to a big dark cloud, possibly with smoke, heading their way. Kevin and Scotty both shrug at that one. But when the psychic mentions the possibility of new life, Scotty squeals: "A Baby!!!" And Kevin kicks him for giving it away, but the psychic nods, yes, a baby is coming. Scotty giggles in delight.
Sarah is hard at work at Ojai. Hahahahha...as if. She is tracking her period and harassing random never-before-seen employees for key dates related to her menstrual cycle. All signs point to: Knocked Up. Can you just pee on a stick already? It's what they are made for. And, I have to say, I am REALLY not enjoying writing about Sarah's menses. Just sayin'.
Kitty has met one of her fake friends/political consultants who is pretty sure Kitty is just hanging around her because she wants mo' money from the Republican National Committee. So, they aren't friends at all. This does not prevent Kitty from asking her for a favor. She explains how The Senator was tapped for a high level double secret appointment, but turned down at the last minute due to his weary and troubled heart. Kitty's "friend" makes an "ooh" face when Kitty says that, so Kitty stops to ask what the heck she means by that face and didn't her mom teach her that her face would stick like that and even Botox wouldn't help? Ann thinks that surely The Senator was correct in his assessment of the situation (note: not The Situation, The Senator has abs of his own to contend with) and then she tries to change the subject. Kitty, having few social graces and a serious Need to Know, won't let her, but the only thing Ann will say is that there are lots of people with conditions far more serious than a prior heart attack in positions of power. Kitty looks contemplative as Ann skedaddles before someone shoots her for talking. Cut to The Senator at a meeting in a private airfield, which is totally a normal place to do business. Seriously, it's like the Starbucks of political meetings. The Senator is meeting with some man (Dr. Anspaugh for you E.R.-o-philes) in a suit. The Senator is accusing him of blackballing his dream job. The Man (for clearly, he is) explains that he had no choice, because if The Senator took that job, he would have been gagged. Oooooh THAT kind of White House job. No wonder it's top secret. The Man reminds The Senator that he never would have been able to help them if he had signed an oath of silence. The Senator is sure there is someone else who can do the job, but The Man says The Senator is clearly the best candidate. The Senator still demurs -- his wife is running for senate! He can't risk her campaign. The Man admires his loyalty and shit, but HIS COUNTRY NEEDS HIM. The Senator chews on that for a minute and then whips out an American flag and burns it whilst dancing a jig, using interpretive dance to tell The Man what words cannot say: Find someone else.
Kevin doesn't feel much better about the state of affairs even after spending $200 at a psychic. $200??? Aren't they both unemployed? While movies are wildly overpriced, even a double feature wouldn't come close to half that much. Think with your pocketbooks, guys, we're in a recession! Scotty thinks it was money well spent, because the psychic was just SO right about things. Kevin is mid-eye roll when his phone jingles. Nora the Techhead has issued a text decree: All will be joining her and Ida for dinner at Walker Manor. Kevin hoots at that, because he has like tons of love for Grouchy Grandma. Scotty is thrilled though. Obviously Ida is the "dark force" that the psychic referenced. Kevin's not so sure, though. At Kevin's reluctance, Scotty sighs that he just WANTS to believe and can Kevin maybe help him out with that?
Over at Walker Manor, Nora is preparing to do the one thing the doctor warned her against: Leaving Ida unchaperoned. Nora just needs to run to the store for a few things and Ida won't budge from the couch. Besides, with her sprained ankle, she can't really walk and doesn't want to sit in the car with Bingo. Nora looks at her funny, because Bingo the family dog has been dead for years. Nora slowly tells her the dog is dead, and Ida offers her condolences. So leaving her actively disoriented mother on the couch, heads off to the store. Surely this will end well, right? Right.
Sarah has finally bought a pregnancy test, but she doesn't want to talk to Luc about it yet so she pulls some suave Laurel and Hardy-esque maneuvers trying to hide the test from him. To distract him from thinking she is acting strangely (at this point she's nonchalantly sitting on the trash can) she starts talking about their dismal future. Luc swears he is not going to forget her or move on or anything. Since she showed up on his doorstep in France, he knew they were fated to be together. She smiles as he moves in. I mean, yeah, Gents, pay attention: There is no better way to get laid then telling your lady that she was YOUR DESTINY. Unless, of course, said lady thinks she might already be pregnant and is having second thoughts about those purple satin sex sheets and all that time spent in them. She shoves Luc off and starts rambling about sex leading to babies like marijuana leads to heroin. Luc is all, "You want to have a baby? I'm leaving tomorrow, remember? Kinda awkward." Sarah responds: Noooooo! No babies! And then fights him to take out the trash. Yeah, smooth, Sarah.
Nora returns from her excursion to the grocery store to find her kitchen engulfed in flames, and, yes, smoke. Cut to the firefighters shuffling out of Nora's formerly spotless kitchen. Ida scolds Nora for not blaming her, she is sure the firefighters wouldn't have dragged her away, unless she wanted them too (nudge nudge, wink wink). Nora shudders at old lady boudoir jokes and quickly explains that clearly this fire was all NORA'S fault. While sure Ida put a pan on the stove and walked away, Nora was the one who had all that flammable and melty stuff in the kitchen. Her fault! Totally her fault! Ida's like gimme a break kid, but if you want to play it that way, fine. I mean, really Nora, I get what you are trying to do there, but I think it's okay to lay some blame on the demented (literally) old lady. Saul rushes in and is horrified at the charred stove. Scotty and Kevin (who have also rushed over) are DELIGHTED by the sight of the burnt out mess and the smell of smoke in the air. They hug and kiss in delight at the psychic's prowess. They are totally going to have a baby! Saul stares at them befuddled.
Despite the kitchen calamity, everyone still comes over for dinner. Rebecca is going on again about her Barbie Dream House and, gracefully -- or perhaps guiltily-- no one mentions that she could have bought the damn thing if she hadn't given all the money to Ojai. Rebecca chirpily continues that she will buy it just as soon as things turn around at Ojai and the small family business is flush enough with cash to repay her $2 million loan. Like, week? Week after? Sarah looks much aggrieved by this situation and avoids all eye contact. She would normally be chugging wine at this point, but you know: THE BABY. I'm actually surprised that her family has not accused her of being pregnant yet since the only reason not to be chugging wine at a Walker dinner is pregnancy or pre-surgery. And actually that pre-surgery thing is pretty debatable. Seeing Sarah's abject misery on the subject, Rebecca quickly backtracks to explain how cozy and jewel-like her apartment is. Scotty reminds everyone that they live in a Loft and are having a baby. Everyone jumps up and down about the baby, but Kevin shuts them down: They are just being hopeful and positive, but they don't have any hard news yet. All this talk about babies and her depressing work life is too much for Sarah and she excuses herself from the table. When Kitty comes to join the party, Sarah hijacks her to the study so Kitty can FEEL HER UP. I don't have sisters, so is this normal? Is this what sisters do in their free time? Go to second base with each other? I find this troubling, even if it is for ostensibly medical purposes. Sarah explains that she bought a test but had to throw it out before Luc saw it. Kitty is shocked that she hasn't told Luc yet, but um...why not be sure first? I'm Team Sarah on this one. Kitty yells at her about being in a loving, trusting relationship and Sarah tears up and accuses her of being mean to her. Although she admits it might just be hormones. Kitty looks apologetic and gets Sarah a tissue and explains that the issue might be more hers anyway. She begins to explain about meeting Ann earlier. Kevin interrupts the conversation right then and Kitty fills him and Sarah in on the whole The-Senator-Got-Hosed storyline. Just as she and Kevin are about to figure out what in the what is going on, Sarah interrupts with some stupid line about "don't talk about birth" and looks all queasy. Obviously such a weird ass statement raises Kevin's suspicions. He wants to know whether Scotty said anything to them, but Kitty doesn't get what he's asking and then, suddenly she does, "Are you pregnant, too?" Kevin and his razor-sharp lawyer's mind quickly parse the sentence and realizes that "TOO" is the interesting word. They all glare at each other and deny everything until Kevin bluntly asks Sarah if she's pregnant, JUST AS LUC WALKS IN. That's actually not required capitalization, but you can really tell the writers wanted that to be a shock. It wasn't, but let's pretend to keep those writers happy so they give The Senator a proper sendoff, eh? Luc is obviously super excited while Sarah protests that she doesn't know anything. Kevin, however, is one thing: PISSED. Because he is an idiot who has drunk the psychic's Kool Aid, found it tastes like baby formula, and believed that the baby in her vision was his and Scotty's. And now in his deluded mind thinks Sarah has STOLEN HIS PSYCHIC BABY. Man, in nine months Kevin is totally going to slice Sarah open and steal that baby right back. Scotty comes in to get to the root of all the yelling and gets an earful of Kevin's crazy. Kevin storms out of the house with Scotty being all reasonable and trailing after him. Luc simply beams at Sarah who is just looking rather uncomfortable with the whole situation. Luc makes their apologies to Nora, who is not at all pleased to see them go and leave her there with Ida. Nora tries to get up from the table to see what is going on, but Ida slaps her down. The children are grown ups and don't need Nora butting into their business. Saul tries to defend Nora, but Ida won't hear it. Besides, she's made a decision. She does not want to spend the ten years of her life with Nora. She wants to move into a nursing home. Nora protests despite the fact that her mom is SO INCREDIBLY MEAN to her, I mean, I would be dying if my mother said that to me, even though I truly hope my mother never comes to live with me. Besides, my brothers are much closer geographically to her. Regardless, that shit would SMART. Ida glares at Nora and tells her that she has made up her mind and hopes Nora will at least allow her the dignity to make her own decision. Nora looks mighty small and sad and defeated by her mean mommy.
Over in Crazyland, Kevin is still grousing about his baby-stealing sister and how Scotty should never have made him Believe. He wanted to stay in his happy place of pregnancy forums filled with horror stories of miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, and blighted ovum. He was happy there! He wanted to manage his expectations. Scotty points out that if Michelle's not pregnant, it will be painful one way or the other. But they will face it together. Awwwww. I love Scotty. Kevin suggests they get a dog. It can be their fur baby. Gah, I was trying to find a link to the Best Story Ever From an Inflight Magazine all about a woman's love for her three fur babies and their adorable wardrobes and her grieving process when they died and how she could never understand why people didn't allow her children in restaurants and how deep her abiding love for these blessed fur babies is. It was truly awesome. And horrifying. And in a Delta Airlines magazine. I would love to find the editor who greenlighted that article.