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So, Calisse finally gets her shit together and has a really nice wedding. Her minister is hilarious, and they're all giggly throughout the entire event. Now, she did 'Zill out a little bit during the preparations, and was kind of inappropriate with her sister, but heyâ¦overall, not too much of a Bridezilla, in my opinion. Not nearly as much asâ¦
â¦Malia, whoâ¦I don't know, you guys. She seems like a serious 'Zill to me. Now, I'm curious to watch the rest of her "arc," because apparently the We Network switched production crews for the show in the middle of filming her. I wonder if it was because she didn't think her first crew was "celebrity" enough. I would feel sorry for her hubby-to-be if he didn't seem so into her. Yecch. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Well, here we are again. Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? There's a whole bunch of shows out there, yet we keep returning to this one. It tells us it can change, that things can get better, but they never do. It just seems that the bad times get even worse each time, but every time we start walking towards the door, remote in hand, we think of the really good times, when Bridezillas were just that, not truly horrible people who just happen to be getting married.
I just...I just wish it could be like it was. Or at least like I've heard it was, because I never really watched this show until I started recapping it.
You know what makes me actually understand when cartoon characters rip their hair out with their fists? This show's theme song. I know I've mentioned it before, but...I just...hate! I can't explain what it is, exactly. I think it's just the whole thing, the whole production. The synthetic horns don't help. The stupid "Hot, Hot, Hot" feeling of the number, either. I just can't believe that's what they chose. I'm sure they had a choice. It's like, who made Shakira a star? Probably the same person who chose the BZ theme. Hate.
Sorry. Yes, yes, the show. Got it. So, we're back with Calisse, recapping all the information they gave us last week. Mindy: "Calisse fancies herself a dainty princess." Really? "Dainty"? Not the first word I would use. After Calisse briefly describes her dress (an strapless ivory and gold "princess type of dress"), Mindy wastes no time jumping right into the dreaded Climb-up: "Will she wed with class, or will this diamond in the rough turn into a mean-spirited, over-achieving, out-of-control Briiiiiidezilla!" Mindy...God. I'm so tired of you. Just clip me with your best shot. "Don't be rude!" "It's my wedding, I get to spend money!" "Things don't ever go right in my world." "It's Calisse's day, and you need to get it together." "Hurry, hurry, hurry! Scurry, scurry, scurry!" "Are you listening to me?" Wow, what a bitch. Not. I mean, she can get kind of bad sometimes, but nothing like some of the other ones we've seen this season. Like, remember Regina? Now there was a 'Zill you could get nice and pissed about. Calisse? She just doesn't piss me off enough. I feel like a real Bridezilla should make you feel violent, you feel me?
Today's the wedding rehearsal. "First, I have to pick up my son." Who in the what now? "Son"? Okay, you've been on the show a whole week now, and nobody knew that. See, here's another thing about this goddamned show that I can't fucking stand. They don't ever give you any really important or even relevant data on the person you're watching. It's just not thorough! Get it together! Why are we just now finding out about this child? That's such bullshit! Anyhow, she's on the highway now, getting a little bit road rage-y. Why do all of these women have such bad anger man-- oh, yeah. I forgot what show I was watching for a second. "No talking, no socializing, just move!" Okay, easy there. Dang. , she picks up Deandre, her fiancé, who "makes the mistake of being a backseat driver." Except not really. He and Calisse have a brief miscommunication about where they're headed, but he doesn't once comment on how she's driving. Instead, he plays around with Calisse's son (whose name I don't think we ever learn), and it's really cute. They seem to have a good rapport, and they all look very much like a family already. Aw. Mindy: "Nobody is spared the wrath of a Bridezilla in a hurry." Calisse makes fun of her son for walking slowly outside of the church they just arrived at. I would hardly call that her "wrath," but hey, who the hell am I?
Inside, Calisse and her girls get to work on the decoration scheme of the wedding, and she finds out that yet another groomsman can't make it to the wedding because of something called a "hair-bump infection," which sounds made up to me. She's clearly a bit miffed because this is the third groomsman to cancel. "How the fuck...'scuse me, Lord...how do you get an infected hair bump?" Dude, I don't know. Sounds like a dick move to me. Mindy: "Calisse expects everyone to be perfect on her big day, including a two-year-old." Which, again...not true. Calisse is very patient with her sister Keniqua's daughter, Rayla, one of the flower girls. She's very cute, even when she's randomly screaming "Cinderella!" into the camera. Rayla runs down the aisle, and clearly doesn't really get the whole "flower girl" concept, but that's okay.
Apparently, it's time to meet thirty-one-year-old Malia Rivera, who's marrying Rich, an older "Latin man with a great build." He was first attracted to her smile, which is whiter than...I don't even know, it's that white. Apparently, there was no proposal, but there was an ultimatum, yet again. "On my thirty-first birthday, I told him 'I've set a date, we're getting married.'" Wow. It seems that Rich didn't really have a problem with that. "I am most obsessed with getting a celebrity at my wedding." That's really stupid. Any celebrity? What if it's, like, Carrot Top? Or George Hamilton? Or one of the lesser-known squares on Hollywood Squares? What if Andy Dick was at your wedding? "I already have a celebrity planner, celebrity caterer, celebrity makeup, celebrity hairstylist, celebrity dermatologist, celebrity dentist...Malia wants a celebrity." Malia needs to shut the fuck up. Malia also needs to learn that "celebrity" is not necessarily synonymous with "quality," because...geh. And finally, Malia should never refer to herself in the third person, because that's really lame. Go ahead, Mindy, it's all yours. "Of course this wedding wouldn't be complete without celebrity husband, former major league pitcher Rich Rodriguez," who totally played for the Mets, so go Rich! Except, ew. Nice fiancé, dude. "Malia's taste for the finer things in life are only surpassed by her delusions of grandeur." For once, word. "I've always dreamed about wanting to walk the red carpet." Keep that dream alive, Malia. Maybe one day you really will want to walk that carpet. Who knows, maybe that desire will...actually, no. You're never going to be a celebrity.
Mindy? Can you get your little BZC action out of the way so I can continue? "Will Malia be able to keep her feet on the ground, or will she become an over-spending, card-maxing, attention-grabbing, out-of-control Briiiiiidezilla!" Let's have clips: "I'm gonna fuckin' drag you fuckin' down with me!" "God rest your soul, sweetie!" "Fuck off!" She's clearly drunk in all of these clips, and they're all from the same night. Of course, if her "arc" is going to run for another three episodes, maybe they're saving some for the few. Yeah, I don't really think so, either. But hey, a recapper can dream, can't he?
Back to Calisse, who, according to Ms. Burbano, is "on a mission to get as much gold as possible for her wedding." Her first stop is the bakery that's making her cake. She wants to see if they can add some gold shit to her cake, which...well, not my taste, but again, who the hell am I? stop is shoes, where Calisse doesn't have much luck. "This is two days before my wedding and I'm just now getting shoes." Of course, the shoes all have to be gold, too. She sees a bunch of shoes, but none of them really suit her, so she's on to the store, where she finds some she does like. Unfortunately, there's a staff shortage, which she gets pissed about and begins lecturing...somebody we don't see because they're off-camera. After her diatribe about customer service (which I kind of agree with her about), we head off to commercial land. Wow, that was a really boring five minutes just then. Really. Hardly anything happened. Again, Calisse could have been done in a week. Fuckin' Bridezillas.
We're at Men's Wearhouse now (you know, tailor to the "celebs"), where Rich is picking up his tux. Unfortunately, he's chosen to do this with Malia, who makes merciless fun of him for being slightly overweight the entire time. "His ass better fit in that tux, I'll tell you. It's expensive enough." She keeps mugging for the camera in this passive-aggressive way that makes me want to slap her. "His butt's gonna go 'Bing! Bing!'" What the fuck does that even mean? How can someone's butt make noise that isn't a fart? Shut up, bitch. You're dumb. Anyway, she starts going through all these other shirts that Rich picked out, and one by one starts removing them from the rack without asking him at all. When the Men's Wearhouse dude offers his opinion, she darts at him with, "You work on commission, don't you?" Excuse me? At that, I would have shoved her Gucci sunglasses where the sun don't shine. How fucking rude of her! Anyway, Malia's making Rich do an outfit change, which makes me want to barf. It's this "Humphrey Bogart" kind of thing, that...well, it's fucking stupid. Shut up, Malia. And shut up again, right now, because that guy you keep interrupting like a four-year-old brat-ass piece of shit? He was on line before you, as the guy at the counter has pointed out to you about forty times now. Quit exasping so melodramatically. Quit being such a camera hog. You suck.
Back to Calisse, who has ten minutes to get to her bachelorette party. "I have to change clothes, get dressed, grab my hair, and find shoes. Ten minutes is not gonna cut it." Actually, I think the ten minutes will cut it just fine. I think you're the weak link here. But whatevs, I'm not about to get into a dissertation on the constancy of time. "I know there's strippers coming at 10:30 that I'm really not feelin'." Mmm-hmm. She seems to be pretty uptight about the male stripper, but it feels more like she knows eventually Deandre is going to watch this, and she doesn't want to seem too into it. But come on. It's just a stripper.
Once she's at the party, Mindy postulates that Calisse would rather "carry on than get her groove on," which...Mindy, I know it's not your fault, exactly. I know you're just saying what they tell you to and collecting your check, and that's fine. But could you not be such a cornball in the way you inflect these lines? Thanks. Anyway, Calisse is all complainy because people haven't arrived yet, and things aren't really set up. So, she threatens to spend the night in the bedroom with her warm Smirnoff flavored beverage. "I feel a mental breakdown coming on." Why? Just relax and have some beers, dude. Enjoy it. It only happens once.
So, once things have gotten started, everyone is just sitting around in a circle, and apparently a game is afoot. One that involves humongous cucumbers. Yikes! Now we're talking! Anyway, there seems to be some confusion, and Calisse gets upset. But then the strippers arrive, so she forgets about the game and starts setting her boundaries. "I don't want to be freaked." I don't even know what that means, so I'm going to assume it means to have some dude's junk shoved in your face at a rapid pace. The girls place one-dollar bills all around Calisse, and there's a strobe light already blinking away when one of the strippers comes out and starts doing this really awkward head thing where he rubs his head rather vehemently against her boobs. It looks super-uncomfortable, but Calisse forgets to complain when he takes off his shirt to reveal a glistening six-pack. He picks her up and starts grinding her and tossing her all over the place, and the whole thing in interspersed with shots of Calisse driving and saying, "I don't want your sweat. I don't want you touching me. Keep your business to yourself." Way to stick to your guns, there, Calisse. "Once the dancing begins, this Bridezilla does an about-face. She loosens up, and has some fun." That she does. That she does.
Rich and Malia are on their way to the jeweler to pick up their wedding bands, an experience that Rich is clearly dreading. "I'm a little nervous. Is this going to be painful?" As soon as they're in the place, Malia says, "No diamond is too big." Guys, seriously, I hate her. She's really bad. She just seems so immature, and I hate her mischievous face. There's this one moment they keep showing over and over again, where she picks up a ring and has this evilly bedazzled look on her face...it makes me want to smack the taste out of her mouth. "I am paying for Rich's wedding band, and he is paying for mine." Well, isn't that convenient? Anyway, she starts giving Rich shit for not knowing what he wants for a ring, and then immediately starts bossing him around. "Can we see something bling-y? I'm a bling-y girl." Ugh. That's one word for it, I suppose. So, he likes one of the ones with diamonds in it, which I find tacky, but that's just me. "It's like we showed him the Mercedes and now he doesn't want the Honda." First of all, shut your superficial ass up, you skank. Second, ever since Daimler merged with Chrysler, Mercedes sucks ass. I'd take a Honda any day, beeyotch.
Now it's time for her ring, that she clearly wants to match her current monstrosity. Seriously, that thing is as wide as her finger. I don't know how many carats that is, but it's got to be at least five. I'm not kidding, it's huge. She has a bunch of options in mind, but she finds one that she absolutely has to have. Rich nearly has a heart attack when he sees the bill, though. $45,000. I'm just sayin'. Who the hell spends that much money on a ring, and not something more practical, like a sauna. Or a car. Or a small houseboat. He buys it anyway. What does he see in this bitch?
After the rings, the two go out to lunch, and Malia wants to order a full bottle of wine. Hmm. "Our Bridezilla can't even enjoy a nice lunch. If there's no drama, she creates some." What Mindy is referring to is the fact that Malia brings up Rich's first wife, whom he has a daughter with. "I feel like I'm in constant competition with your ex-wife." "Well, I don't want you to feel that way." Malia is concerned that Lisa (the ex) will have a problem with Christina (the daughter) being in the wedding. She's not just in the wedding, she's the maid of honor. Rich says he doesn't think that Lisa will have a problem with it, but Malia pushes the topic. "When we're happy, she's not happy. Honestly, do you think there will be a problem?" Rich: "It's only a problem if you make it a problem." Word. Why do I have a feeling that she's... totally going to make it a problem? ["Which you could have solved yourself in the first place by having a friend of yours stand up as your MOH. Although I guess if you don't have any friends... " -- Sars] Anyways, Rich has put out that fire for now, and when he goes to cheer Malia with his wine glass, she leaves him hanging. "Honey, I'm here!" That was weird.
Over at Calisse's church, everyone is putting up the decorations because tomorrow is the big day. There's not really much drama, and everyone seems to be having a really good time, actually. That is, until the subject of Calisse's dad comes up. It seems that he's nowhere to be found, even though he was supposed to have arrived earlier in the day. "My dad was not as much a part of our lives as he should have been. He's always been irresponsible, and I guess this is no different." I have to say, I do feel bad for her. "He has a pivotal role in this wedding: he's supposed to walk me down the aisle." Keniqua tries to comfort her: "You have an older brother and an uncle who are more than willing to walk you down the aisle..." "But that's not the point! He's been irresponsible his whole life, and this is just one day! He can't just get it together for one day?" True. But he'll show up. "Nothing is really going as planned, but I can't stress about it and let it ruin my day. I just have to embrace it." Word! See, this is why she's not really a Bridezilla. She knows what she wants, but she also knows what's important, and that's the day itself. She knows that if not every detail is perfect, she's still getting married and she's still going to have a great party.
It's now the day of Calisse's wedding, and she's in much higher spirits because she spoke to her mom, and her dad has been located. With a big smile on, she claps and says, "I'm getting married today!" She goes to the salon to get her hair done, and it looks very nice, even though I still hate the tiara. But I hate all tiaras, so whatever. Then she's off to the church to get ready and to do the dress rehearsals.
"The wedding day bliss comes to a halt when Calisse's sister defies Bridezilla's authority." Thanks, Mindy. Calisse and Keniqua have it out for about five minutes in an argument that goes a little something like this:
Calisse: "Why are you arguing with me? You should be getting dressed!"
Keniqua: "Don't yell at me!"
Calisse: "No argue. Get dressed."
Keniqua: "No yell."
Calisse: "Dress."
Keniqua: "Yell."
Calisse: "[unintelligible grunt]"
Keniqua: "Ungh."
That's about it. A little flare-up. A little misunderstanding. "Bridezilla hasn't destroyed her opponent yet. It's time for rooouuund two!" Shut up, Mindy. Calisse goes back to the dressing room and starts in again. This time they argue about basically everything having to do with the wedding, and it's just too much. They're both obviously a bit stressed, and are taking it out on each other as siblings do from time to time. "You didn't help me with the decorations!" "Yes I did!" "You weren't here on time!" "Neither were you!" "You and your friends make me dance naked outside that one time when I was three!" "I know! It was really funny! It still is!" "You're totally right! I hate you!" "I'm sorry." "Me too." Anyway, I think Calisse is definitely out of line, but I also don't think her sister should be fighting her so hard. If she just did as she was told, she'd be dressed and ready to go already. But whatever.
Now that that's over with, it looks like Calisse has lost the rings. Of course, she blames it on her friend, La'Rhonda. So, Calisse goes back to La'Rhonda's house (I don't know why La'Rhonda didn't go) to look for them. Her search is fruitless, and she's pretty livid at this point. She starts tearing the house apart, but no luck. Poor La'Rhonda (I just love typing that name) is totally torn apart about the whole thing, because she really thinks it's her fault, and she doesn't want to be responsible for ruining her friend's day. Calisse: "It's not like I can go and buy a fuckin' ring right now. The rings seal the deal. I've been saving for months for these rings." When she gets back to the church, her dad is there, and she basically gives him the old "Hi, Dad. Bye, Dad." She's still on a mission, and she's pretty late for the rehearsal now. So she gets her dress on, and while she's looking through a box, she finds the rings. Great. Can we get going on this fucking thing now? Enough time has been wasted on these nothing fights and lost rings that weren't really lost. Quit inventing drama, Bridezillas.
It's ceremony time. Everybody looks very dapper, and the minister has an awesome and booming preacher's voice. He rocks. The ceremony is actually quite lovely, and everybody smiles and laughs and takes it easy. When Deandre doesn't say "I will" loudly enough, the preacher tells him to shout it, which he does, and everyone giggles. During their vows, Calisse modifies "richer or poorer" to "richer or richer," and again, everyone laughs. There's a lot of nervous energy in the room, and it's really cute. Calisse looks lovely. She and Deandre make a handsome couple. The minister preachifies a little bit, and hands are raised while a lobby of "Thank you, Lord"s and "Amen"s are shouted. It's pretty awesome. Finally, the preacher says to Deandre, "Now, you got to, you know...do your thing!" Everybody cracks up, and they kiss and look very happy. After the preacher announces them as husband and wife, they both jump the broom, and it's time to get wasted! Woo!
Calisse: "Everything that could have gone wrong, did. But, everything turned out great, and I'm married, and I love my husband because he supported me even through my Bridezilla moments." Deandre: "I would do it all over again. In the end, I had a good time, and it was all well worth it. I love this lady." Aw. They're cute, you guys. I'm happy for them.
Yeah...no. Not a full-on 'Zill that one. Not like...
... Malia, who's back week. "She's got her mind on her money, and her money on her mind." Mindy, enough, seriously. We're also going to meet Ryan, who looks like a raging alcoholic, and that's always fun. See you then!