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OKAY! I know I've said it before in regards to this show, but... THAT all just happened. Let's see if we can take this piece by piece.

Hank is every bit the house afire I predicted last week, as he races over to Jesse's house and just beats the holy hell out of him in retaliation for the "Marie's been in an accident" gambit. From his hospital bed, a hellaciously bruised Jesse vows to destroy every bit of Hank's life, to start cooking again, and if he ever ends up getting caught, he fully intends to roll over on Walt. Walt, understandably, sees this as a problem. So after an afternoon spent being bitchy to Gale, Walt kindly asks Gus to let him bring on Jesse as his assistant. Jesse ultimately accepts, but not before delivering a long-deserved monologue in Walt's direction about how much he's ruined Jesse's life.

Meanwhile, Hank's facing criminal charges (from Jesse) and an internal affairs investigation. Before he tells his story to I.A., Hank confesses his myriad PTSD problems to Marie and admits he may not have it in him to do the work he's been doing. He tells the truth to the DEA and is suspended.

But remember how also the Cousins are coming to kill him? Yeah, that clock ticks down to zero. And after a voice-encrypted phone call (from... Gus?) tells Hank death is one minute away, Hank and the Cousins have a tremendous shootout -- in a supermarket parking lot; in broad daylight. Hank manages to pin one cousin between two cars, but he's been shot a couple times. After Hank plugs the cousin a couple times right in his Kevlar, Other Cousin shoots Hank a couple more times, then goes for his axe. Which gives a nearly incapacitated Hank just enough time to find a serendipitously discarded bullet, put it in the chamber, and blow a hole in Other Cousin's head. It was AWESOME.

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The "adult themes and violent content" warning at the top of the episode should be all you need to know to get you fired up. Your "advisement" is noted, AMC. I'll be using my "viewer discretion" to watch the shit out of this episode.

So we start things off in Mexico (we know because everything is red) and in the past (we know because these two identical, shaved-headed little Mexican kids are obviously the Cousins from way back when). One is up in a tree, holding the other's toy just out of his reach. Across the yard sits a young(er), less disabled Don Salamanca (clue #2), who picks up a brick of a mobile phone (clue #3) to take a call. It's interesting to see Mark Margolis, who usually plays Tio a good bit older than he is, now play Tio as a bit younger than he is. Not sure who he's on the phone with, but the context clues tell us he's discussing whether or not to allow Gus (the "Chicken Man") to run their operation in the States. Interestingly, Tio does not like nor respect Gus, though he realizes the decision is out of his hands.

By this point, one Cousin has now ripped the head off his brother's toy. The other -- look, they've got names now, so there's no point in waiting for them to be actually spoken on the show -- Leonel comes crying to Tio that his brother broke his toy. Tio tells him to get over it, but he won't. He wants his brother, Marco, dead. A typical childish rant from, at this point, a typical child. Tio calls Marco over to him ... no, closer ... and asks him to fetch a beer from the tub of icy water sitting at his feet. When he does, Tio grabs him by the back of the neck and holds him underwater. "This is what you wanted," Tio tells Leonel, calm as you please. Leonel struggles to break Tio's grip. "You're going to have to try harder than that," Tio scolds. After a few weak punches to Tio's chest, Leonel finally slaps him across the face. Tio lets Marco up. Leonel goes to Marco as Tio stands up, towering above them, to give them a message. "La familia es todo."

We dissolve into the present, where Les Cousines Dangereuses are back in front of Santa Muerte. Lighting another candle. Praying for swift death to visit an enemy. Only this time, it's not the Heisenberg sketch that sits at Santa Muerte's feet. It's a photo of Hank Schrader.

After the credits (where you can't spell "Hellacious Parking Lot Showdown" without "NaCl"!), we see Jesse returning home from last episode's RV crunchening. He's barely inside his front door when he sees Hank's SUV pull up in front of the house. From the second Hank gets out of the car, you know exactly what happens. Jesse doesn't, not yet. He's got all sorts of barriers he thinks Hanks can't cross. "You can call my lawyer, Saul Goodman," Jesse says. Hank keeps advancing. Jesse backs himself across his threshold, like maybe Hank is the world's only fat vampire and can't come in unless he's invited. Nope, that doesn't work either. Hank bounds inside the house and proceeds to deliver an absolutely vicious beating to Jesse. This is no calculated message, either. It's hot, boiling anger. Fear, too. "YOU HAD MY CELL NUMBER!" Hank screams, "YOU HAD MY WIFE'S NAME! HOW'D YOU DO IT?" Hank operating from fury, sure, but he also knows that whoever called him off knows officially too much about him and his family. Hank keeps pummeling Jesse's face, which makes it awful hard for Jesse to respond to Hank's repeated demands that he give him some answers.

Hank finally stops himself, speechless and horrified, and calls for an ambulance. thing we know, it's after sundown, and Jesse's being wheeled off on a gurney. After Jesse is driven off, Hank's boss, Agent Merkert, says the authorities want a statement, but he can hold them off a day. Which is probably best since Hank should maybe talk to a lawyer.

Yeah, maybe Hank should talk to a lawyer, because from the looks of Jesse's face right now, he's gonna need one. Saul's in Jesse's hospital room, making sure he gets the best angle possible for a photo. All the better to hold over the cops' heads should they ever try to arrest Jesse for anything in the future. "You see that?" he asks Jesse. "That's your Get Out of Jail Free card." Saul tries to sell him on this beating being the best thing that could've happened to him, but Jesse can only glare at Saul. Through the one eye that isn't swollen shut, I mean.

Walt skulks around the dark corridors of the hospital, looking for Jesse's room and hoping no one he knows catches him looking for Jesse's room. He ducks inside and, to his credit, is horrified by the state of Jesse's face. I know, dude, I was fond of it too. "You're now officially the cute one of the group," says Saul, still fiercely determined to keep things light. "Paul meet Ringo, Ringo -- Paul." Nobody's laughing. Walt says he's so, so sorry; this should not have happened. "But it did," rasps Jesse, "no thanks to you." That...doesn't mean what Jesse thinks it means, but go on. Lest Walt go too long with an apology hanging in the air, he starts to justify the Marie gambit that enraged Hank so. They'd be in jail right now if he hadn't done it. He never could have forseen this happening.

Walt turns to Saul and asks what happens now, but it's Jesse who answers. "Your scumbag brother-in-law? Is finished. Done. You understand. I will own him when this is over. Every cent he earns, every cent his wife earns, is mine. Any place he goes, anywhere he turns, I'm going to be there, grabbing my share. He'll be scrubbing toilets in Tijuana for pennies. And I'll be standing over him to get my cut. He'll see me when he wakes up in the morning and when he crawls to sleep in whatever rathole's left for him, after I shred his house down. I will haunt his crusty ass forever. Until the day he sticks a gun up his mouth and pulls the trigger, just to get me out of his head. That's what happens ." Here's why Aaron Paul is the effing best. Reading that monologue, it's pure Jesse Pinkman puffery. Think about it -- does Jesse have the means to ruin Hank's life in the way he's describing? Not really. This is Jesse once again playing the badass. But Paul's delivery here is so non-Jesse, it's scary. Even if Jesse can't pull this off practically, Paul makes you believe his fury is such that he'd make it happen. He'll find a way to ruin Hank forever.

Walt's fairly speechless, but Saul's made of sterner stuff. He half-chuckles and advises Jesse against following that particular path. The cops are scared of Jesse now, but if he hits them, they'll have to hit back, hard. Walt softly advises Jesse to move on with his life, move on from "all of it." Jesse, seeing that bit of advice for the self-serving nudge it was, hisses that nothing changes. He's gonna buy a new RV and start cooking again. Walt and Saul think that's patently crackheaded. The cops know exactly who and where he is now. There is a 0% chance he can start cooking and not get caught. "So what?" Jesse asks. "I've got a Get Out of Jail Free card." Saul starts to explain that that's not quite what he meant when he said that, but Jesse cuts him off. Not the photo of his face. He means Walt. He gets pinched, all he has to do is give the cops the mighty Heisenberg. "You're my free pass," Jesse says. "Bitch." Walt's on his heels after that one. He and Saul eye each other warily.

thing, Walt and Saul are out in that darkened hallway, conspiring. Walt's dubious that Jesse would follow through on the threat. After all, he didn't give up Walt while he was being beaten senseless. Yeah, but emphasis on the "senseless" there, Walt. Saul's take is a bit more reasoned. "When, not if, he's caught, and he's facing 20 years, what'll he do then? Believe me, there's no honor among thieves. ...Except for us, of course." Saul, you human scum, you. Walt sticks by his feeling that Jesse will come around. If he doesn't, Saul says, they're going to need to "talk options." Oh, man. "Options" is no good. "Options" is "in the head or in the heart?" "Options" is "car wreck or open elevator shaft?" "Options" is "dumped or dismembered?" Saul stalks off before he has to elaborate.

Back from the break, Hank is giving his account of yesterday's events to a pair of I.A. guys, along with Merkert, and a guy who appears to be Hank's attorney or union rep. He pretty much gives a recap of the last episode, up to the point where he left the junkyard and finding out the RV had been disposed of. I.A. asks if it was at this point that he drove to Jesse's home, but Hank's rep keeps him from answering. He says Hank's done answering questions and needs to get home. I.A. confirms that Hank is indeed taking the fifth. Then they advise him that Jesse indeed intends to press criminal charges. And while the word of a meth-head doesn't seem like much, they say the toxicology reports on Jesse say he's not using. He's even refusing pain meds at the hospital. Merkert moves to dismiss the meeting, though I.A. does need one photo of Hank's hands, for the record. Looking at his rapidly scabbing knuckles again doesn't seem to be Hank's favorite thing right now.

Hank doesn't turn the lights on in his office as he clears some stuff out of his desk. Say what you will about what he did to Jesse, but he clearly feels ashamed for it. He walks to the elevator, past his silent co-workers. Waiting for the elevator doors to open, Hank's anxious (to get out of the building), but nowhere near as anxious as the audience at home. We know about the Cousins. He doesn't. Every closed door brings fresh dread. But it's good news: inside the elevator is Marie. Neither one of them says a word, or barely looks at each other, until the door closes. At which point Hank breaks down, sobbing in her arms. His crying is making her cry. And yet, when the elevator hits the ground floor, they're facing forward and silent once again. Ain't nobody getting the satisfaction, from either one of them. "It's all going to work out," Marie assures him as they walk through the lobby. "You've been too good to them for too many years." Hank says it "goes without saying" that they're not telling anyone about this. Marie waits a beat, then, "...okay." Hank knows what that means. He stops, turns to her, and asks: "Who?"

Skyler! It's an associational edit to Skyler! That was kind of a no-brainer, though, right? She's in her car, steeling herself to go up to Walt's new apartment. He's home, fixing himself his favorite PB&J with the crusts cut off. He invites her in, and she's clearly offended by how well turned-out his place is. She asks if Walt knows about what happened with Hank; he does. She asks if whatever Jesse was up to, with this RV, has anything to do with Walt. "Is there any danger that could lead back to you?" is actually the phrasing she uses. You wonder if she's conscious of the fact that she's started to co-opt Walt's life -- and particularly the coverup of such -- as her own. Walt completely bullshits her, saying he had practically no relationship to Jesse anymore. "He's not my friend," he stresses. "It's not like we're even close." Is he? And are you? Those questions and more I think will be answered this season on Breaking Bad! Anyway, Skyler says Hank could really be ruined by this whole thing, and it would be great if Walt could get Jesse to drop the charges. There must be something he can say. "Hank is your family," she pleads. Walt mumbles something so low Skyler can't even hear it. He repeats: "Not currently." Yeah, you can see how Walt would be almost too ashamed to let anyone hear him say that. That's cold. Walt's late for work and shows Skyler out. But the guilt is eating at him, just a little. If Walt were a PB&J sandwich, the guilt would be busy nibbling off his crusts.

At work, Gale cheerfully joshes that he was worried Walt got waylaid. He's still every bit his cheerful, dorky self from last week, but Walt is visibly colder and grouchier than last Gale saw him. Last week, Gale got Happy New Circumstances Walt. Today, he's got Grumpy, Bitchy, Actual Walt. As the guys get suited up, Gale is pleased as punch to inform Walt that he's got them all set up and even filtered the solvent ahead of time. Walt's mouth says "that's good," but his burning, hateful eyes say "You think you're better than me?" Gale delivers his best Bogey ("This might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."), and while it's not good, that's not the reason Walt is rolling his eyes at his geeky new assistant.

In a deserted parking lot, the Cousins roll their car up to the back of an 18-wheeler. A positively grody-looking trucker meets them at the back, and ... well, it's Nate Mooney, aka Ryan McPoyle from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia! If there ever was a perfect fit for Breaking Bad's universe of meth-heads and other assorted creeps, it's that guy. So McPoyle invites his taciturn customers inside the trailer, which is only about a quarter full at best. Of course, it's a quarter full with crate after crate of automatic weapons. Teabagger-level shit, I'm saying. McPoyle, by the way, cannot shut up, motormouthing about Memphis and girls who like to get peed on (I don't know...), while the Cousins just stare at him. You know they want to shoot him. Bad. McPoyle also shows them a case of hollow-point bull

ets. He tosses one to ... Marco? One of 'em. "Sucker has six razor claws that expand upon impact," he enthuses. "Shred your ma's head like a cabbage." Which reminds me: happy Mother's Day, all you moms out there! McPoyle tells Marco he can keep the bullet, and Marco puts it in his coat pocket. When McP finally stops talking, Leonel is able to articulate what they're looking to buy: "Vests." McP pulls out a pair of Kevlar doozies, "stop a bullet like a soft wang against a Quaker girl." Oh, to have been in the room when that line got thrown out. I sincerely hope someone got high-fived. "They work?" asks Marco. McP answers by revealing the vest he's wearing right now. "I don't leave home without it!" Immediately, Leonel pulls out his gun and fired a shot directly into McP's chest. McP goes flying to the back of the car, gasping and pissed off, but alive. Leonel digs the bullet out of the vest, while Marco counts out a few hundreds and drops them on McP's fallen body. "You're welcome!" he screams after them. If only he knew how few people get to say that -- or anything -- after doing business with those two.

After the break, Walt and Gale are all suited up, and Walt is eyeing a temperature gauge with much dissatisfaction. He asks Gale what temp he set, and Gale -- checking his clipboard -- says Walt told him to set it at 75. Walt, obstinate, says he told him 85. You can see where this is going, right? Walt berates Gale for a bit, before ordering him to dump the whole ruined batch. You know, I wish I could record this scene and send it to Jesse, and be all "See? You're not necessarily a useless fuckup! Walt does this to everyone!" Alas.

The morning, we see Hank has dressed himself up all nice in preparation for another sit-down with Internal Affairs. Marie gingerly asks what he's going to tell them. Answering her own question, Marie starts to spin her wheels, trying to give Hank the precise excuse that will get him off the hook. Jesse came at him. With a pipe. Hank had no choice. Muscle-memory kicked in. No choice. Hank at first just sits there and mumblingly repeats the more ludicrous elements of Marie's story. "No," he tells her. He's not going to lie. Marie doesn't see how it makes sense that some "lowlife degenerate" getting what was coming to him should mean a good cop like Hank gets ruined. But Hank says what he did wasn't right. "It's not what the job is. I'm supposed to be better than that." Marie says it was "one mistake," but Hank refutes that. "I've been unraveling for a while." And with that, Hank steadily unfurls the last several months of PTSD that followed him killing Tuco. "It changed me," he says quietly. And El Paso exacerbated it. "What I did to Pinkman ... that's not who I'm supposed to be." He thinks all of it -- Tuco, Tortuga, Jesse -- is the universe trying to tell him something. And now he's maybe ready to listen. "I'm just not the man I thought I was," Hank says, his face beginning to crack. "I think I'm done as a cop." Marie doesn't say anything. And then she lays her head on his shoulder. Seriously, how the fuck did they get so functional? And can they adopt Flynn before it's too late?

Walt's on the phone with Gus, and despite how toxic he'd acted towards Gale earlier, I have to say I was not expecting this. "This" being Walt telling Gus he cannot work with Gale and needs a new assistant. Of course, once the shock of that wore off, I was slightly less surprised to hear Walt's choice for Gale's replacement: Jesse. That's one thing you gotta love about Walt. He's got the gall to say just about anything. Even request that his drug trafficker of a boss hire the meth-head that you've spent the last two weeks denigrating, and who just yesterday got his name memorized by every cop in New Mexico. Yeah, Gus, THAT Jesse. We don't hear Gus's end of the conversation, but the fact that Walt initially thinks he's been hung up on says plenty. Walt pitches him on the idea of the "shorthand" (is that what he calls a constant stream of abuse?) that he and Jesse share, one he's never going to reach with Gale. Oh, I don't know, he seemed to get off to a good start in that regard today. Hearing more resistance, Walt actually presses: Gus said the lab was under Walt's control. And this is what he wants. And apparently Gus just relents. Just like that. Dude has about six different plans for Walt, I'm betting.

At the hospital, Walt delivers what he's got to feel is good news to Jesse: he got him the gig as his new lab assistant. Jesse, as you might imagine, is resistant, and suggests Walt get himself a monkey. Well, hiring a monkey won't keep Jesse from fucking up Hank's life and (eventually) rolling over on Walt now, will it? Jesse's not interested, and he's certainly not interested in letting Hank off the hook. But Walt says the pot is even sweeter than he thinks: they'll be partners again. A 50/50 split, meaning $1.5 mil each. And Jesse still looks him dead in the eyes and says "No." Walt asks if he's really turning down a million and a half. By way of explanation, allow Aaron Paul another monologue, hmm? "I'm not turning down the money! I'm turning down you! I want nothing to do with you! Ever since I met you, everything I have ever cared about is gone. Ruined, turned to shit, dead. Ever since I hooked up with the great Heisenberg. I have never been more alone. I have NOTHING! NO ONE! All right? It's all gone. Get it??" Besides, he says, why would Walt want to partner with someone whose meth he's called "garbage"? "Your meth is good, Jesse," Walt finally admits. "As good as mine." Think of where we'd be now if Walt could have choked those words out weeks ago. And with that -- after finally hearing what someone so desperately needed to tell him -- Walt leaves Jesse alone.

Walt returns home, dejected, but he gets a phone call in the driveway. It's Jesse. "50/50?" he confirms. "Okay. Partners." There's defeat in Jesse's voice, and he hangs up the phone. Across the room, he stares at the Universal Pain Assessment chart. The one with the happy, medium, and sad faces. By the look on his face, I'm saying "Moderate Pain." At least. The camera -- which focuses on the "Worst Pain Possible" face -- says otherwise.

At Hank's hearing, both the I.A. guy and Hank's lawyer ask him if the written statement he gave them is really what he wants to cop to. "That's the way it happened," Hank says. "And I accept the consequences." Markert stands and, though he's clearly taking no pleasure in this, says that Hank is hereby suspended without pay. He needs to collect Hank's badge and gun. Man, Hank's morning run to Dunkin' Donuts just won't be the same anymore. (Sorry! One fat-cop joke, you gotta give me one!)

Afterwards, Hank is waiting for the elevator (fresh dread churning in my stomach) when Merkert catches up with him. "You didn't hear it from me," and it's not official, but the word is that Jesse's not going to press charges." Hank asks why, but Merkert has no clue. "Maybe you have a guardian angel," he says, with a half-smile. Hank is speechless but clearly relieved to have one weight lifted from his shoulders.

Cut to the parking lot of a supermarket, where Hank has gone to pick up flowers for Marie. As he walks back to the car, he updates Marie on the good news. "I think we might be okay," he says, with genuine hope in his voice. At this point, not only do I expect the Cousins to jump out from behind the car and machete his head off, I further expect a falling hunk of satellite to fall from the sky and crush him, a mountain lion to turn up in the parking lot and maul him, and for his gas pedal to get stuck Prius-style and drive him to his speedy grave. That's how much this scene is setting up as "Hank is way, way too happy for a guy with his photograph taped to a Santa Muerte statue." Even the way he puts the keys in the ignition and then is interrupted by a phone call before he can turn them is just a classic "that car's gonna blow up" setup.

Ah, but that phone call is important. As are most phone calls when the person on the other end has encrypted their voice. So whoever this is -- Gus Fring? The Zodiac? -- says, "Two men are coming to kill you. They're approaching your car. You have one minute." Hank thinks it's someone playing a joke, and not a very funny one. "They're coming," Zodiac repeats, then hangs up. Seriously, that was Gus, right? The fact that the voice was encrypted made me think Walt, because why else would you hide your voice. But we've seen no indication that Walt knows who the Cousins are, much less that they're coming to kill Hank. And Hank did meet Gus one time at the police station; the extra layer of precaution seems a very Gus thing to do. Anyway, Hank glances at his clock -- 3:07 in the afternoon (broad daylight! What could go wrong?) -- then places a call to Gomez. He leaves a message all "Ha ha! Funny joke, a-hole." But the panic rising in Hank's voice lets you know he doesn't believe it was Gomez at all.

Cue the nervous glances! Hank -- sweaty and unsure -- tries his best to case the parking lot without actually getting out of the car. Doing so would only admit that he's afraid something's actually coming. And he keeps one eye on that clock. As long as it stays 3:07, he's safe. So now it's like that Simpsons episode where Marge becomes a cop and has to avoid shooting at Ned Flanders and ladies with baby carriages. Hanks jerks his head this way and that, but he can't get a good look at anyone. Everybody and nobody is a potential threat. He reaches for his gun, but of course it's not there. He turned it in. His hands start to shake. The clock now reads 3:08. Go time!

In the distance, blocked by parked cars, the Cousins advance, then split up, flanking Hank's car. At which point every bald-headed person in New Mexico shows up in the parking lot to be a red herring. And then, through the rearview mirror, he sees Leonel raise his gun and start firing. Without a weapon, Hank guns the SUV in reverse and plows right into Leonel, pinning him against the car behind him, forcing the gun out of his hand and into Hank's back seat. Hank keeps driving backwards, pushing the second car along, Leonel sandwiched in the middle, like the world's most uncomfortable piece of corned beef.

Of course, there's still Marco, who fires a shot through Hank's driver's side window. And keeps firing. Hank's hit in his side (if we're being uncharitable, he's hit in his left love handle, but the guy's going through enough right now without the fat jokes, come on) as he struggles to crawl out the side door. By now the alarm on the car Leonel got slammed into is blaring. Leonel himself looks quite uncomfortable. Marco releases Hank's car, and thus his brother, who falls to the ground. For the first time that we've seen (and maybe not since they were getting almost-drowned by Tio), Marco looks afraid. Leonel looks like he's dying. "Finish him," he gurgles. Marco's got his orders.

Marco follows a trickle of blood across the parking lot. On his right, he hears a mortified, "Jesus!" He turns and fires three shots into the chest of a random shopper. One who apparently didn't hear the multiple gun shots, car crashes, and alarms. From behind Marco, another deaf shopper screams, theatrically throws her hands up in the air, and runs away. Marco goes to shoot her too, but he's out of bullets. Time to re-load, and when he does, that hollow-point bullet the McPoyle gave him falls to the ground. Considering we see it tumble down in slow-mo from a ground POV shot, obviously this is Important.

Hank gets the jump on Marco from behind and fires five shots into the man's waiting Kevlar, before running out of bullets. Marco, in return, rips one shot into Hank's gut and another into his right lung. He slowly moves to stand over Hank's prone body and prepared for the head shot. "No," he mutters, possibly thinking of the brother who's dying a mere 50 feet away. "Too easy." And so he heads back to his car to get the Axe of Gleaming Evil. While he does, Hank spots the magic bullet, inches away from his bloodied hand. He's barely able to grip it, as he hears the silver axe blade scrape along the pavement. He's coming. Can he load it? Marco turns him over with his boot and raises the axe. At which point Hank fires one into Marco's head, the six razor claws expanding upon impact to blow a hole clean through. Between this and Happy Town, it's been a big week for blowing holes clean through heads. The axe blade sticks in the pavement, and Marco's dead body falls too.

A quick pan back reveals three bodies on the ground. One definitely dead. Two who could use some help. This is maybe going to be a big deal.

Joe R did not see that coming. He can be reached for lavish praise and nothing but at

href="mailto:joseph.reid21@gmail.com">joseph.reid21@gmail.com.

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