Chapter Forty-Two

Previously on Boston Public: Harvey discovered that Steven was applying for a new job, and recommended Marla to replace him; Steven assured Scott he was on the list, too; Ronnie tried to gauge Harry's level of interest; Steven told Scott he didn't know who Scott Guber the man was; Lauren asked Scott to dance; Ronnie learned that her student Natalie was homeless, and wrote a check to cover two months' rent to get her a place; Natalie told Ronnie she was her role model.

Lauren and Marilyn head into the grand ballroom where the prom is going to be held. The theme appears to be "Over the Rainbow," and Lauren has decked the place out in all manner of Oz-related decorations -- no, not the experimental wing where prisoners interact freely (though, as the ads on the subway attest, incidentally, murder is an interaction). Marilyn notes that the witch appears to have been having sex with a munchkin when the house landed on her, and sure enough, munchkin legs are sticking out from under the house, too. Also, Dorothy's head appears to have been severed with an ax, and someone has painted "This Prom Sucks" on the wall. Lauren says, "Oh my!" Marilyn says, "I guess we're not in" I can't. I can't write it out, okay?

Hey, David Alan Grier is guest-starring in this episode. Cool.

In a luxurious bedroom of some kind, Ronnie is helping Home-lita get ready for the prom, giving her jewelry to try on and asking about the dress. The alterations aren't done yet, apparently. Home-lita asks if, when the big night arrives, they can do hair and make-up at Ronnie's place, because "I'd kinda rather Jason pick me up here than at the motel." Ronnie points out that Jason likes Natalie for herself, so he isn't going to care where she lives. Natalie blushes.

The usual jerky shots of the school, and of students walking the halls, are dutifully provided by the second unit director. Instead of phat beats, though, they're accompanied by the Wicked Witch of the West music.

Vice-office. Scott, with a flying monkey hovering over his shoulderoh, wait, that's Laurenis grilling a student about his involvement in the prom vandalization. He shows the kid a credit card receipt with his signature on it for the purchase of two cans of black spray paint, a pint of red latex paint, and one pair of blue tights. Apparently, the kid, whose name is Mr. Paul, left the receipt behind with his paint cans. "If there's one thing worse than a vandal, Mr. Paul, it's a stupid, careless vandal." Scott orders Mr. Paul to fix the decorations, and bans him from the prom. "I can't go to the prom!?" Wow, that sounded really convincing. No, seriously -- he seems really upset. Which, of course, he should be, right? Right? "Now be gone, before someone drops a house on you." He's gone. Scott tells Lauren that, if she needs any extra help, she should just ask. She thanks him and starts to leave. He says, "Lauren?" She stops. He half stands up, and just kind of works his mouth soundlessly. She looks at him curiously. Then he offers to assign custodial staff, "if Jason can't get it done alone." Lauren says okay, and leaves. Scott sighs and sits back down. Wait, Mr. Paul's first name is Jason? Hmmmmmmmmmm

Delineation Alley. The Exposition Fairy is griping at Marilyn because it seems she's been asked to sing a solo at the prom, which I guess goes against the sororal mission of DaveKelley's Child. Marilyn says, sensibly, "The prom committee asked me. What was I supposed to do? Also, 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' is not exactly a group song." Louisa pouts, "No, apparently it's a diva song." Meanwhile, a crowd of boys is gathered at the foot of the stairs. Up on the first landing, a couple of girls are posing and holding court in some way. "Okay, guys, we'll start at a hundred." The deal is, one girl is being auctioned off as a prom date, while her friend acts as auctioneer. "Come on, guys, get real, we're talking 35-22-34, let's get real!" Those are so not the girl's measurements, but whatever. Marilyn and Louisa object to the proceedings, but the girls point out that it's nothing illegal, and meanwhile the bids have gone up to four hundred dollars.

Harvey and Marla are in the classroom they share, I guess, even though we haven't seen them teaching together in well over a year. Harvey says he remembers his first prom, which opens him up for a "you're so incredibly old" joke. Like, ha ha. Not. "I married my prom date, Helen. The love of my life." He asks Marla if she remembers who she went to her prom with, and she relates the tragic story of how she and Lawrence Williams didn't go together, because they broke up a week before the prom and he took somebody else. Then she gives a little speech: "It's a racket. To sell dresses, and help horny little boys get their ends wet, and we romanticize it into this little prince and princess party. A racket! Don't talk to me about proms." Harvey asks where Lawrence Williams is today, and Marla's all, "How would I know? Hopefully married to some bitch wife the size of a ship." Wow, she can really hold a grudge.

Sanctum Stevenorium. "I'm sorry. Even with a petition, you can't stop somebody from running for prom queen." Steven is facing down what appears to be a group of attractive, popular kids. The kind who run for prom king and queen. One of them points out, about the person whose candidacy they're protesting: "He's a boy." Steven explains that discrimination based on sexuality doesn't fly at Winslow. Then he adds, "Even when it makes total sense to do so." Huh? "He could win, Mr. Harper. For the sheer novelty of it. How's it gonna look if a transvestite wins prom queen?" The girls especially think it's not fair for those of them who've been dreaming about this for years to have "some guy waltz in and make a mockery of the whole thing. It's not fair." Wait, he's planning to waltz in? That's really the last straw.

In the hallway, Steven flags down Harry. "Robin Chambers. Is he in your suicide club?" Harry confirms that he was, yeah. "He's causing a bit of a stir. He wants to run for prom queen." Harry doesn't know what he could possibly say to the boy, and Steven blows up: "Just talk to him! Can't we have a damn prom around here without controversy! You people wonder why I wanna leave every now and then? This is why! It's always somethin'! Today it's a boy wanting to be a damn queen! Just talk to him!" Harry's all, "Well, I can see why Marla's the natural choice to replace you."

The Un-geon. "You're not going?" Ronnie is asking this incredulous question of Home-lita, who explains that she can't go, because Jason -- that being Jason Paul, the vandal -- has been banned from the prom. "Well, wait! You can go to the prom alone! I mean, a lot of girls are!" Natalie demurs; Ronnie tries to persuade her, but to no avail.

Marilyn is having a little chat in her room with the girls who were auctioning themselves off. "We're not selling sex, Ms. Souter." They explain that that's just how the pitch makes it sound, but in fact the contract makes clear that the purchase is only of time, and the pleasure of their company, as prom dates. "You make them sign a contract?" One of the girls shows Marilyn a copy. Another asks Marilyn how often she saw her prom date again. Only once, says Marilyn, and the girl is all, "See? So what's the point?" Another adds, "Why make the prom this big emotional touchstone when you can make money instead?" They are, they insist, doing the boys a favor: "Supply and demand! Every guy wants a hot prom date. Trouble is, there's not enough of us to go around." The other girl chimes in, finally, that "with an auction, we level out the playing field. Guys like Matthew Carlson get to have their dream date. It was Mr. Guber's idea."

"I never suggested anything of the kind!" Marilyn has come to visit Scott in his office, and explains that the girls were in his young entrepreneurs club, in which he told them to assess their strength, and come up with a business plan based on it. "Well, I may have said something like that, but I never could have foreseen 'dateability' as the marketable skill they would latch onto." Wow, so it was all part of a business plan? I guess we should call them the Carnegie-Mello-litasor something better, if it comes to mind. Marilyn wants Scott to stop, but he explains that he can't, since the people involved are all of age, and the contract doesn't call for sex. Marilyn isn't satisfied, but leaves anyway. Ronnie appears in the doorway and asks if Scott has a second.

The dungeon. Harry is talking to Robin, who seems kind of flip about this whole prom queen thing. "Their problem is they know I'm drop-dead in a tiara." Harry says he's worried that Robin may not, in fact, be ready for the spotlight. Of course the transgendered kid's name is Robin, by the way. It can't be, like, Steve or something. Robin explains that he's accepted himself, and if other people can't accept him, it's their problem. He's very wise. He's -- say it with me, Sars -- Transgendered Yoda. Hmmm. Doesn't have quite the same ring as "Gayoda," but you've got to be precise about these things. Harry says he'll back Robin, of course, but he needs to know that Robin's really thought about it. "I have. And it's something I wanna do."

Vice-office. Ronnie is appealing to Scott to let Jason go to the prom, because the banning also affects Natalie. "A few weeks ago she was living in a van. She doesn't have many friends. This is huge for her self-esteem. I know I'm asking for special treatment, but in this case I feel it's warranted." Scott relents: one week of detention. "Tell Natalie she would do well to find esteem somewhere other than in a date with a delinquent." Heh.

Teacher's lounge. Dick Teachie tells Marilyn that "word is, your boy Matthew Carlson is looking to lose his virginity status." Marla's here too: "Boy didn't plop down five hundred dollars to discuss the Enron situation. Stupid Wizard of Oz theme to make it look all nice. The boys are gonna be comin' as Tin Men, then girls are gonna be reachin' for the oil can." Meanwhile, David Alan Grier comes into the lounge. "Marla. Remember me?" "Vaguely. What are you doing here?" "Your colleague Harvey Lipschultz contacted me, so I thought I should come set the record straight. My ex-wife is occasionally a bitch, but she is not, nor ever has been, the size of a ship." Marla tells him to go away, but he asks if he can take her somewhere to talk.

In the hallway, Ronnie has just delivered the good news of the ban being lifted to Jason, but he doesn't seem too pleased. "I think I'll skip the prom. I don't wanna do a week of detention." Ronnie asks about Natalie, who's counting on this, and Jason gets all revelatory, and lowers his voice. "Can this stay between me and you? 'Cause I'm really not proud of this. But me askin' Natalie to the promit was a joke. A couple of my friends thought it would be funny if we each asked a freak. We put money on it, a hundred bucks for whoever shows up with the biggest loser." Ronnie is incensed, and asks what other girls were the victims of this; Jason says, "None, actually, all my friends chickened out. I'm the only one who asked anybody." The weird thing is, Natalie's pretty smart and hot and sweet for a freak/loser, but whatever. The whole vandalism thing was a plan to get himself banned from the prom, because he didn't want to hurt Natalie's feelings. Ronnie tells Jason to beat it, which is no doubt what he'll be doing for many prom nights to come. Ronnie rounds the corner to find Robin closing his locker, on which someone has spray-painted "Die Faggot." "Can't they just email me?" he says. Ronnie asks if he knows who did it, and he says no.

Marla's room. Lawrence Williams seems to be relating his entire life history to Marla. By the way, how on earth did Harvey find someone named "Lawrence Williams" so fast? I bet there's only one in the Boston area. "Marla, can I ask you something? When we broke up, can you even remember what the fight was about?" Marla says no, but that she remembers Lawrence took another girl. "And you're still mad? Twenty-five years later?" Marla asks again why he's here, and he says, "Well, I'm single. I'm told that you're single. And that you're chaperoning this prom, and I thought: twenty-five years or not, if I ever had the chance to take you to the prom again, I shouldn't pass it up." Marla giggles. Lawrence laughs. She says she'll have to think about it. Lawrence starts to go, and then says, "Marla, I am so sorry about, you knowyour brain tumor. Mr. Lipschultz told me." Marla is understandably miffed. "Is that why you came back? To give a thrill to a dying woman?" Lawrence says no, but what else is he gonna say. "Well, let me tell you something, Lawrence. I don't have a brain tumor, but I do have pride. Get your ass out of this building, and don't call me. Ever!" Lawrence goes.

Ah, the phat beats are back. Good.

"We didn't do it!" Harry has gathered all the popular kids together in the hallway, and is asking them what they know about the threats to Transgendered Yoda. They insists they'd never send threatening letters or anything, even though they oppose his campaign for prom queen. Nor do they know who did. "You have a bigger history of violence than us, Mr. Senate." Harry does not find this amusing, but he seems to believe their denials.

Vice-office. Now for a random scene, spurred by nothing, leading to nothing, dropped into the episode totally at random: Steven comes into Scott's office, and apologizes for saying the week before that he didn't know who Scott Guber the man was, and Scott says that the problem with being vice-principal is that people confuse the man with the job. Steven says he knows that, and Scott's all, "No, I don't think you do." "Are we okay?" "We're fine." But it doesn't sound like they're fine.

"A brain tumor!?" Marla, in her classroom, incredulously demands that Harvey explain himself. "I thought I'd appeal to his compassion! Marla, look, sometimes romanceit's about an illusion!" Marla is angry, but Harvey explains that, when she spoke about Lawrence, it sounded like she still had feelings, and that when he spoke to Lawrence, it sounded like Lawrence still had feelings too. Marla repeats that "the only reason he came back is because he thinks I have a brain tumor." Mainly, she repeats this so that Lawrence can hear it on his way into the room at precisely this moment, so that he can say, "That isn't true. Look, Marla, everybody has that one. The one we wonder about. The one person who we wonder, did I let the right one get away? You're that one!" Marla says she's not one to go back in time, and Lawrence says, "Too bad!" And shoves her into his time machine. Then they begin a fabulous adventure, righting the wrongs of history! week on Marla and Lawrence Williams: Time Rescue Squad 972! Oh, wait, no, he says, "How 'bout going forward then? What's to lose?"