Chapter Thirty-One

Previously on Boston Public: Jeremy threw a plant at Scott's head; Dick Teachie told Talk Time that she's an amazing kid; Talk Time gave Dick Teachie a card.

The Office. Scott and Steven are dishing about Scott's juicy sex life. Apparently, Meredith's hand started twitching and convulsing when they were in bed. "During?" says Steven. Which is a good question; I mean, that thing exerts a thousand pounds of pressure or something, right? But Scott says that they never got to "during." "Maybe it was someone's garage door opener." But Scott suspects that someone tampered with it. Meanwhile, they've arrived at the front desk, where The Exposition Fairy gives them a flyer announcing a contest to promote people wanting to become teachers. A teacher has to give a speech about what teaching means to them, and the winning school gets $250,000 from the state. The Exposition Fairy says Steven should give the speech, but Scott says that the drawing has to be random, and it's funny she didn't know that, since she's the one who gave them the flyer. The contest is coming up really soon, so Scott wonders why they just got it today. "I've been microwaving the mail. It just got a little backed up." See, because of the anthrax that people were still afraid of when they wrote this episodetwo months ago. Just then, a parent comes in, wanting to speak to Steven privately in his office. She's Talk Time's mother, and she doesn't look happy.

Sanctum Stevenorium. Scott flanks Steven, as they ask Mother Time how they can help her. She asks about Dick Teachie, and Steven says that's one of Talk Time's teachers. "Oh, he's much more than that. I believe he and my daughter are" -- Oh. God. No. Don't say it. We were doing so good. Almost the whole season so far without -- "having an affair." NooOOOOooooOOOOOooooo! "That can't be," says Steven. Word. I mean, if they're really having an affair, we've done that (Milton and Shakes-Greer). And if they're not really having an affair but get accused of it, due to a tell-tale diary, let's say, we've done that too (Isosce-lita). And if she just has an unrequited crush, well, we've done that (Lauren and John LaBlonde; Harry and Dana Poole). Nevertheless, Land Before Time says she's as sure as a mother can be without catching them in the act. So, not totally sure, then?

Awww, yeah, Boston Harbor in da hizzouse, boyeeee!

Marilyn's class. She's teaching her class about ways of communicating. "Up 'til now, we've focused on the written and spoken word." Yeah, funny how that works in English class. Good to see that they've going to branch out into other forms of communication instead of, oh, studying literature. Anyway, she asks them what other kinds of communication there are. Someone says a look, a touch. Jeremy comes up with music and dance. That is so gay. Some girl says, "Photography. Don't they say that a picture is worth a thousand words?" Marilyn seizes on this one, and says it leads them to their assignment, which is "to write a twelve-thousand-word paper." Nobody gets it. They all groan. So she takes out a bag of disposable cameras and passes them out, at which point they realize that all they have to do is take twelve pictures. They all get happy, and are like, yay, less work. Then they'll all have to share pictures with the class.

Dick Teachie's room. As a class leaves, Steven comes in. "You usually don't just drop in unless I'm in trouble." Well said. Steven gets right to the point, and says that Time Is On My Side believes that Teachie and Daughter Time are having an affair. Dick Teachie's all: Buh, guh, huh? But Steven says that he's noted that they spend a lot of Time together outside of school, and that he's been fooled in the past, and ignored a mother's intuition. I guess he refers to one of the many episodes they're ripping off. Dick Teachie says that Talk Time helps him with charity work, and "it's personal, on my personal time." Steven presses him. "I work with kids. Debbie helps." Steven wants to know why Talk Time would be afraid to just tell that to A Time To Kill. Teachie says he doesn't know.

The lounge. Steven is grilling Ronnie to find out what she knows. Why her, I'm not sure. Maybe he's noticed that she and Dick Teachie seem to be spending a lot of Time together. Anyhow, she says she doesn't know anything, but that if she had to hazard a guess, it would be that the mother is wrong. Thus, she is pulled into the storyline, so that she can pull a Coach Kevin with Dick Teachie about it later.

Vice-Office. The Fake Hand Lady comes in to talk to Scott. But that isn't so much her defining characteristic anymore, so maybe I should just start calling her The Lady. Whatever she's called, she took her hand to the dealership to see why it was malfunctioning, and they seemed to think it had been tampered with. She thinks it was Jeremy, because he has access. "We think we know him, but maybe we don't. He's a homosexual! Or, he thinks he is. If he doesn't know what he is, how can we?" Scott's all, "You think Jeremy took a Phillips screwdriver, tampered with your hand, and caused it to malfunction?" Yeah, she does.

Night. Steven is still at school, and The Harper Image is wheedling at him to leave. "Daddy! This is not what I call an evening out!" He's taking a final look at some paperwork, but finally relents, and they start to go. But The Exposition Fairy waylays them, and tells Steven he needs to do the random drawing to select the teacher who will represent the school in the $250,000 speaking competition. Steven picks Lipschultz. They decide he should draw again, but Brooke gets all indignant. "You're gonna win a huge prize by cheating?" "It's Lipschultz." "Even so, Daddy, I'm surprised at you." Brooke, honey? You want the school newspaper to keep running? You want your stupid play to go on? You want textbooks, and good teachers, and a field hockey team? Let Daddy pick again. And shut. Up. But Steven gives in, and will let Harvey give the speech that will determine whether or not Winslow gets the money. Oy. On their way out of the school, Steven tells Brooke about the Talk Time and Dick Teachie situation, and she says, "Daddy, we had an agreement. I'm not your narc." He's all, yeah, but if a student's in dangerBrooke says that Talk Time can handle herself. Which brings Steven up short: "Whoa -- so there's some truth to it?" But she only knows that there's been some talk. That's enough to furrow Steven's brow something fierce, though.

Jeremy's room. For some reason, Scott is talking to Jeremy about whether or not he tampered with the hand. "Well, son," he begins, unwisely, and lists all the reason that Jeremy is a good suspect. "Why? Why would I tamper with her artificial hand?" Scott says that that's the question, but seems to think it has something to do with Jeremy's feelings about his mother's couple-hood with Scott. Jeremy asks Scott to close his eyes, and leads him on a guided imagery experience. "Try to imagine being seventeen. Now, try to imagine having someone like you for a vice-principal. Now, try to imagine having that very same manfor a stepfather." Scott opens his eyes. "That was hurtful. And unacceptable." Scott insists he would be an excellent father, and Jeremy's all, "Sorry if I hurt your feelings," but he's totally not. Scott asks if Jeremy dropped the planter near his head, that night he kissed Meredith on the steps. At this point Kaj Erik's acting gets a tad confused, insofar as now he has to shift back to Evil Jeremy, one of The Five Incarnations Of Jeremy. Have we forgotten what they are? Let's run them down:

1. Vomiting Abused Anxiety Boy
2. Creepy Laid-Back Jeremy With Mother In Basement
3. Evil Jeremy With Mother's Severed Hand Who May Have Killed His Father
4. Loving Jeremy Who Adores His Mother
5. Indignant Gay Jeremy Who Fights Intolerance

Anyway, now he's suddenly evil again, and it's a lot for an actor to bear. He says that, yeah, he dropped the planter, just to scare Scott. And he seems pretty proud of it, a weird smile on his face, as Scott says, "You can push me away over and over and over again, but someday we will have a genuine conversation young man." Jeremy suddenly gets a New York accent for no reason and says, "Well, we both have something to look forward to, then."

On The Confrontational Stairs (not to be confused with The Stairwell Of Deep Revelation, the difference being that those are lower down, and people sit on them), Ronnie is confronting Dick Teachie. "I answered that question, didn't I? I'm not having an affair." "So what is this charity work you do?" "I work with kids. Debbie helps." "Why are you snapping at me? I'm not attacking you, Danny." Um, Ronnie? Yeah, you are, and it's none of your damn business in the first place. So go back to the Un-geon, and shut up.

Sanctum Stevenorium. "I won?" says an incredulous Harvey Lipschultz. "You were selected, Harvey. That's not the same as winning." Harvey says he's good at speeches, but Steven warns him that there'll also be a three-person panel asking questions, kind of like at a beauty pageant. Harvey gets a far-off look in his eye and says, "What teaching means to me!" Steven tells Harvey he's representing Winslow, and warns him not to refer to the students as douchebags.

Marilyn's room. Subvert The Status Quo-lita, who we all remember from last season, and also for her scandalous smooch in the school play, is showing the class her picture, which is of ants swarming all over rotten fruit. One student, the stand-in from Grosse Pointe making a reappearance, says the photo suggests to him that he should not go over to her house for lunch. Everyone laughs. Someone else that the picture means: "Everything, like, has a connection and, like, a purpose." But Subvert The Status Quo-lita says that photo represents our rotting, decaying society. Now it's another student's turn, Darren. Everyone reacts to his photo with shock, because, apparently, "You can't take naked pictures of little kids like that." It's photo of six-year-olds, two boys and a girl, showering together. The dumb-ass girl who said that stuff about everything being connected tells Darren that if he put this on the internet, he'd get arrested for kiddie porn. Subvert The Status Quo-lita thinks it's beautiful. Marilyn looks confused.

Teachers' lounge. Marilyn is showing the photo to Lauren, Ronnie, and Marla. Lauren says it's innocent, and it's art, but Marla's all, "Art? You get in a tub, and let somebody photograph you. Oh, I forgot, that happened." Heh. Ronnie says Marilyn should talk to Steven and Guber to cover herself, "because, technically, you've already committed a crime by showing it to us." Thank you, imported lawyer character. "This is too dicey. Justtake it to Steven and Guber and cover yourself." Dude, and the photo.

Someone watches through binoculars as Talk Time and Dick Teachie walk through the parking lot and get into his car. It's Steven, peering through his Venetian blinds. "Shame on you." The Exposition Fairy appears behind him, startling him. "Don't sneak up on me!" "I'm sorry, I forgot your policy on sneakiness." Heh. She tells him she knows where they go: the YMCA. She's seen Dick Teachie's car parked there. Steven's all, "The Y?" Beginning a new trend by ending the scene with an incredulous question.