Chapter Twenty-Nine

Delineation Alley. Dick Teachie and Marla are walking along, and he's asking her if she's nervous. Apparently, she's performing soon with DaveKelley's Child, and for some reason he asks if spit comes out of her mouth when she hits the high notes. Guh? It's like there are notes in the script that say, "Playful banter goes here," and the actors just make it up. Dick Teachie parts ways with Marla and wanders into his classroom, where Talk Time is sitting at a desk working. He wants to know why she's there at ten after four, and she's all, "I can work better here." For some reason, he thinks this is a big lie, and asks again, and she admits that she applied early to BU, and today she gets the response, so she's afraid to go home, "'cause I know I didn't get in. And the longer I stay here, the longer I have hope that maybe I did get in." Dick Teachie wants to know how she's so sure she was denied, and she explains that "no one ever gets in Early-D to the communications department." She also says that her mom has no doubt opened it already, and would have called her on her cell phone if the news was good. Dick Teachie decides to allow her one more hour of hope.

Some kid is playing basketball outside, in the dark, in the snow. A teacher approaches him, one I recognize vaguely. He's got dark hair, and a wry expression of weariness on his face. Where have I seen him before? Oh right. It's Harry Senate. "Little cold for hoops, isn't it?" he says. No, wait, it's Harry Senate's twin, Captain Obvious. The kid wants to know what's up, and Harry tells him that his essay was the best in the class. It was good. "A little too good." "You think I bought it off the internet or something?" Heh. Harry starts to quote the essay, indicating that his concerns are different. "Come on. 'Liberation in death'? 'There's freedom in dying,' Max?" Max wants to know if Harry's asking him to join the suicide club. Heh. This kid really has Harry's number, eh? He must have watched last season, when Harry was still working at the school. Wait, what? You're kidding. Anyway, Harry says no, he just thinks the essay shows that Max has thought a lot about death, and Max plays it off, and Harry lets him, and Max takes the world's most awkward hook shot ever.

This episode was written by five people, which, oddly, does not mean that it will be five times better than most episodes.

Elsewhere, at what appears to be some kind of open mike night, people are listening to a boring Christmas-carol-singing woman. Ronnie and Billy Zane are in the audience, and he remarks to her that she seems distant, and that "if I said anything, or did anything, I apologize." She says he didn't, and then wonders how he can throw out a blanket apology regardless of whether he's even wrong or not. "Saves time." Heh. She tells him to shut up and listen to the music, and he says it's so beautiful that it makes him want to sing. This is supposed to be funny, because we're supposed to think that he's a bad singer, which he's not -- he's just cheesy, which, frankly, would pretty clearly fit right in at this thing. Also in the audience are the Harpers: Brooke, Steven, and X. Brooke's all, "This is so boring." Can I mention that I hate her acting? I find it mannered and false, and she does this squinty slight headshake on every single line, which is supposed to indicate some kind of external manifestation of emotion, but really just makes her seem snotty every time she opens her mouth. Anyway, sure, it's dull, but the Harpers all agree that it's nice for them to be all together. In addition, Dick Teachie and Lauren are at a table together. Wow, this guy's replacing Harry in more ways than one. He's also making a call on his cell, because he's trying to find out if Talk Time got into BU. Lauren shakes her head, either impressed by his dedication or appalled by his rudeness; it's impossible to tell which. Meanwhile, the boring singer finishes singing, and so now it's time foraww, yeah! The rockin' song stylings of DaveKelley's Child! They get the whole room standing and clapping and whatnot, with their acute sense of rhythm and their musically sound three-part harmony. Even Steven allows himself to be dragged unwillingly to his feet, almost, kind of.

The un-geon. Billy Zane comes in to finds Ronnie at her desk. He offers to take her to lunch, but she points out that it is nine in the morning. He spins an elaborate web of seduction, which involves the suggestion that they go to a hotel and have sex until lunch, and then more after lunch, and perhaps skip lunch. She demurs, since she has, you know, classes to teach and whatnot, but Billy Zane reveals that his real purpose here is an attempt to find out what's making her so low. She doesn't want to talk about it now, but he presses her, so she says, "I'm lonely, Matthew. I get a little lonely during Christmastime, that's all." He's like, "What are you talking about? You've got me!" She's like, "Awkward pause." Ronnie's class comes in. She tells Billy Zane to beat it, so they agree to talk about "it" later, whatever "it" is. But I hope that, whatever "it" is, it doesn't involve the sexy blonde protagonist of the show telling her dark and brooding boyfriend that she's lonelier with him than she is alone, because, hey, if she did that, it would be WORD FOR WORD THE SAME AS WHAT LAUREN SAID TO HARRY LAST YEAR. I'm just saying, I hope that doesn't happen. I'm just saying.

A classroom, where music is playing, which must mean that the students are dangerous. No, wait, it's just Dick Teachie's class. He comes in and tells them all to sit down. They do. He notes that Talk Time is missing. "Where's Debbie? She sick?" Some guy says, "Yeah. Blue flu. She didn't get into BU." Dick Teachie says, "Oh." Hey, it all rhymed. This must be that rap music the young people like to talk about.

Sanctum Stevenorium. Incredulous question: "Are you out of your mind? You cannot shut down a play because it contains homosexuality." Scott explains that The Important Funding People are expecting to see Our Town, and he doesn't want the school to lose all of its funding. "The problem is, the grants are contingent on the material being in good taste." Steven's all, "And who decides what's in good taste? You?" "Better me than that little peanut." Just then, Dr. Benji appears, from below the range of the camera. Ha ha -- no, but he comes in. "You're a homophobe! My word!" Scott says more mean things, and Dr. Benji says "my word" about eight more times, and Steven tells Scott to shut up, and that the play will go on, and they'll just have to kiss the grant goodbye. But no sooner do Scott and Dr. Benji leave than Lauren comes in. It's just one damn thing after another while the cameras are rolling! Lauren asks if Steven and X are getting back together. "No! Who told you we were?" "Your daughter." Steven's all, "Mrrrmgrrumph."

Harvey's room. Harry comes in, and notes that Harvey is grading papers without reading them. Harvey explains that he doesn't need to read them. "Unlike you, Mr. Senate, I get to know my students. I learn who the A students are, and the B students, and the C students. I don't need to read these papers. I already know." Harry tells Harvey to stop making fun of Max's hair. "He's got a situation, well, it's private, but I need you to back off a little." Harvey says, "He's got cancer." Harry wants to know why, if Harvey knows about Max's condition already, he still treats him like crap. "I treat all my students like crap. If I'm nice to him, he's going to feel like a kid with cancer." Good scene.

At Brooke's locker, Steven tracks her down and relates what Lauren told him: "She told me you thought we were getting back." Actually, Lauren used the word "together," thereby finishing in the sentence, but, you know, that's quite. Anyway, Brooke bad-acts her way through a stumbling lie about how all she really said is that they had a good time last night, but Steven doesn't really believe her, and explains, "Well, she thought you were suggesting more than that. Listen, your mother and I love each other deeply. I know you know that, but, if last night gave you the ideaWe're not getting back together, sweetheart." Brooke says that Lauren was mistaken, and squints and shakes her head back and forth instead of acting, and then walks away, but gets all sad as soon as Steven can't see her face anymore.

A choir sings "America the Beautiful" pretty badly. Marilyn says, "Excellent!" Then she gives them some last-minute instructions about that night's pageant. Apparently, the rest of the school will join them onstage for some of the songs, and "if the person to you cannot sing, try to help them get back on key." But what if that applies to everyone? Not much use then, your "conducting," is it, Ms. Souter? Meanwhile, Harry lurks by the door, because Max is in the choir, and he asks to talk to Harry, which is clearly what Harry is there to do anyway. They head down to the dungeon, and Max is all, "My mom told me she told you. So, you gonna dog me now? If you start treating me like one of your charity projects." But Harry says that he doesn't plan to do that. At which point, Harry dogs him like a charity case. "Why did you write the essay?" Max says that the assignment was to write about what he knows, and he knows what it feels like to think he's going to die, so that's what he wrote about. So Harry says, you know, that if Max ever wants to talk, Harry will be dogging him like a charity case.

Somewhere in the snowy streets of Boston, Dick Teachie goes up to a house and knocks on the door. Talk Time answers the door. "You sick? You don't look sick to me." "So? You don't look nuts, but we both know better." Heh. Teachie gives her a college application pep talk about she'll get into college, and then he says, "You're my best student, Debbie. And I'm gonna make it my mission to get you into BU." Then he gives her the homework assignment she missed, and tells her not to worry.

Night snowy basketball. So you know Max is here. Harry shows up and makes like he's the smart lesbian one from Scooby Doo, like he's put together all these clues. "You're not in remission anymore. That's what the nosebleed was about. That's why this last paper was suddenly about death." ("Good show, Poirot." "Thank you, Captain Hastings.") Max cops to it. "My remissions are getting shorter and shorter, Mr. Senate. And the doctor said that if I come out of it again, I'll die." Harry's all, "So you haven't even been to a doctor yet?" Max says that he will, soon, after the holidays. "Look, this has been a very long thing. I know the situation. My parents, my brother, my little sister. I just want them to have this Christmas thinking everything is fine. They need this. I need this. I mean, I want to have this Christmas without them crying, or looking at me likeI'm gonna wait 'til after the holidays, and then I'm gonna deal." Harry broods under the weight of knowledge he is not meant to have. YAY! Oh, it's so good to see that.

X gazes at the snow falling gently outside Steven's window. Then she tells him that she and Brooke are not staying for the pageant. They're going home. "I figured." She takes a few steps towards him and says, "Do you want to come home too? If we tried again, and failed, it would be too devastating for her, I know. But, then again, if we made itI thinkwe should at least think about it." He sighs, with resignation, and says, "For Brooke?" She says, "For Brooke. For me." Suddenly, he perks up. "You want to think about it?" "Yeah!" She tells him that tonight they're going to decorate the tree, and does he need to go to the pageant? No.

Delineation Alley. Dick Teachie and Ronnie stride along as he offers a sympathetic ear, having recently gone through a break-up of his own. She's like, no big, it's just Billy Zane. Then, as they're about to head into the hustle and bustle of the pageant, Talk Time appears. She made him a present. It's a stocking that says "Dick Teachie" on it. Or, you know, whatever his real name is, I forget. Then she hands him a card, "because I didn't trust myself to say what I feel without crying. Iwell, Ijust read the stupid card. Thank you, Mr. Hanson. All those people who say that teachers don't careI wish I could show 'em your picture. And Ijust read the card, I'm late for the show."

Inside, onstage, DaveKelley's Child are in shiny slinky dresses, rockin' the crowd with their rendition of "Love Train." They sing for a really long time. In the audience, Harry smirks slightly. Ronnie gazes at Dick Teachie, impressed by his compassionate teaching ability. Uh oh, Billy Zane.

Sanctum Anthony-Healdum. The Fake Hand Lady comes in just in time to catch Scott hiding a box in his desk. He gets all flustered and tries to play it off, which only makes her want to know more what it is, and he admits that he got something for her, and she's all, "Is it sexual?" and he says, no, well, that's not its intended use, but maybeno, it's not, and she wants it now, andhey, is there really any doubt? It's the electric super hand. She is thrilled. Merry Christmas. She's all, "It's what I've always wanted, since Tuesday!" Heh. She loves it. "AndI think I'm beginning to love you." Awww.