Chapter Twenty-Seven

on Boston Public: The Shoe Lady complained about the sex column in the school paper, and The Exposition Fairy defended it; then, she defended it again; The Hook Lady and Anthony Heald smooched outside her place; Dick Teachie helped his class sue Harvey; Dick Teachie explained to Steven that this was a good idea because it instills civic responsibility, or something.

Boston by night. At a club, a pretty young thing is on the stage, singin' and dancin' like the big teen pop icon. Her name is Cara Glynn, and we can tell because the song is nothing but a series of name-checks: "C to the A to the R to the A...my name is Cara, call me Miss Glynn if you're nasty" Meh? Anyway, Lauren Davis is in the audience, bopping along, smiling the smile of someone who's happy to get a glimpse of what all the young people seem to be raising such a fuss about all the time. She's approached by a series of grungy but amiable young men who ask her to dance, but she turns them all down. She says to one, "I'm a schoolteacher." He replies, "Schoolteachers don't dance?" I think I saw that movie. Wasn't Meryl Streep in it? That's a joke.

Elsewhere. Chez Teachie, in fact, as Dick comes home after a long day of molding young minds. Immediately, the faint and unmistakable moans of nearby nookie are audible, and he walks, perplexed, to the door of what is presumably his bedroom. The door gets closer, and closer, until it opens, revealingtwo people having sexual intercourse. I guess one of them is a friend of Dick Teachie's, or something, because she seems to recognize him. "Dan!" she says, and hops off some dude with a cheesy Satan goatee. Hey, maybe she's his girlfriend or something. She's never been mentioned before, so who can say? Goat Boy says, "Things are cool." Dick Teachie says, "Oh, things are cool? Things are cool?" Goat Boy says, "I'm outta here." And then, for some reason, "Where's the phone?" Dude, just leave. Honestly. But Dick Teachie is kind enough to say, "Oh, you want to make a call?" Then he tells his girlfriend to shut up, pulls the phone out of the wall, and throws it at Goat Boy's head, hitting him in the face really really hard and knocking him unconscious. Soon, it becomes apparent that Goat Boy is no longer breathing, and Dick Teachie tells his girlfriend to call for help. Skipping over the opportunity to make a joke about how the phone has been ripped from the wall, Girlfriend goes for her cell and calls 911. Meanwhile, Dick Teachie performs CPR, and again the opportunity for a good joke is squandered, since, moments ago, his girlfriend's mouth was exactly where Dick Teachie's is now. How ironic. Anyhoo, Goat Boy starts breathing again, but doesn't wake up. Dick Teachie slaps him a few times, but gently.

On the street, a bit later, Dick Teachie is explaining to the cops how Goat Boy came to be so very much unconscious. "I came home earlier than expected, and found him bangin' my fiance here, and when I kinda startled him, he said he wanted to make a call, and so I passed him the phone." Makes sense to me.

Chez Peters. Anthony Heald eats fresh yummy cookies from the plate held out by The Hook Lady. She remarks, "I just love to watch you eat my cookies." Ew. Then she says, "Do you ever notice, it's after a romantic evening out, and a little wine, that you eat my cookies. It's the end of the night, and we reach that awkward 'what happens now' stage. You reach for the cookies to mitigate your uneasiness." She strokes his face with her hook. He says, "I'd take issue with that, if it weren't so accurate." She asks him to stay the night. He blanches. She asks, "Are you afraid Jeremy is going to pitter-patter into the room, and drop a planter on your head?" We know that won't happen, though, because the actor playing Jeremy is not listed in this week's credits. It's elementary, my dear readers. Anthony Heald says he's just nervous, so, to help him be less pressured, she puts his hand on her chest and says, "If you could read Braille, you'd know how excited I am right now." Ew. And THEN she busts out with, "Make love to me, Scott. I want you to ravage me." Hold on, what's the name of that magazine? The one that covers weekly happenings in the world of entertainment? Oh, that's right: EW! Anyhow, Scott says, "It's a school night."

Phat beats tell us it's morning-time at Winslow Higgety-HIIIIIIGH!

"That's what you said?" says Steven, his voice tinged with the specter of incredulity. "'It's a school night'?" He and Scott are in the Sanctum Stevenorium, trying some of that male bonding Scott's therapist recommended. "What was I supposed to say? 'I'm too frightened'?" Steven says yeah, sure, he should be honest. "What's the matter? Worried you won'tperform?" Scott says that he hasn't made love to a woman in nine years. Which should put to rest at last the speculation in the forums regarding Guber's virginity. Also, he hits "woman" with just a shade too much emphasis in the sentence not to create a little ambiguity. Anyhow, Scott's fears include impotence and premature ejaculation, but he manages to hint at both without actually saying either (he uses the phrase "reach fruition.") Hey, this is primetime, people! Kids are watching! There's to be no mention of ejaculation, only of breast orgasms! These two problems are, of course, mutually exclusive, as well as contra-indicative, but Steven suggests Viagra for the former, and "desensitizing cream" for the later. And, good Lord above, I am watching two grown men discuss desensitizing cream and writing about it and I CANNOT. BRING MYSELF TO BELIEVE. THAT THIS IS WHAT I AM RECAPPING. Sars, what was that you said about a big raise? Or was that a dream I had? Maybe it was a dream, because we were talking about my big raise, and then we fell over a waterfall, and then we were on board Mir, and you starting dating this cosmonaut, and it was a whole big scandalit was probably a dream, I guess. Or WAS it? Aaaaanyways, Steven is up on the latest in desensitizing cream technology, because the anonymous school sex-columnist, Dear Helen, has apparently written about it. Also, Steven has a shoe on his desk, because The Shoe Lady brought it in when she complained about this latest column. Because, apparently, despite making nineteen thousand dollars a year, she can afford to buy shoes entirely for the purpose of waving them at people and then leaving them behind. Anyway, they agree that it's time to stop the column, and that Scott should tell The Hook Lady about his fears: "Scott, you think she doesn't have a few of her own?" Well said, Steven.

The Dungeon. No, really, it's an actual cell, because Dick Teachie is apparently in prison. He looks all dejected, because his fiance cheated on him, and now he's in jail, andwell, that's plenty, I suppose. Ronnie comes to visit him. "I didn't know who else to call. Is the guy dead?" No, apparently Goat Boy is alive and well. Ronnie says she can handle the arraignment but, as the charge is aggravated assault, they'll need to get Dick Teachie a criminal lawyer to handle theall right, LOOK, if I WANTED to recap The Frigging Practice or Ally McFriggingbeal, then I WOULD FRIGGING DO IT! Isn't this show supposed to be about high school teachers? It's like David E. Kelley can't go half an episode with dragging us back into court! For the love of all that is good and pure, am I wrong, people? Eh? EH? WHERE'S THAT BIG RAISE? Anyhow, Ronnie says she's going to visit the "victim," and that if he doesn't want to press charges, well, it won't be "dispositive," but it'll help. I don't care what "dispositive" means, because I am not recapping a legal show.

Delineation Alley. (Remember? That's what I call "The Hallway" now. It was this whole big set-up in last week's recap, you should check it out -- I was in top form, oh man.) Lauren and Cara, the singer from the club, are walking along. 'Cause, see, the sexy pop princess is also a student at Winslow High! Making her, say it with me now: Britney-ta. Or Christina Agui-lita. Or Mandy Mo-lita. OrPink. Or, that new one, what's her name. Shakira. Yeah. Are there like a million of these girls, or what? And half of them have names starting with "L'il." Anyhow, apparently some big record guy was at the show last night, and wants to meet with Cara today, and maybe he's gonna sign her, and "oh my god, oh my GOD, OH MY GOD!" Just then, Marla appears. Or, you know, not so much appears as walks towards them down the hall. "Did you hear about Danny Hanson? He got arrested, there was a fight and he broke the other guy's head. There's a rumor that there were guns, but I don't know about that part." Where is he now? "In jail! He was convicted!" My, how tall tales spread and become altered, like some massive game of telephone. Right? I got it, right? As Lauren and Marla go off together, they pass Steven, who is facing off with the editor of the student paper, who is, much to my disappointment, not Cheryl Holt's sister Meryl Holt. It's some nerdy guy who definitely looks like he could be the editor in chief of his high school paper. Did I mention that I was the editor in chief of my high school paper? Steven is explaining that he's not trampling on free speech, but he won't fund the paper if it contains the sex column, so Chief says he'll get alternative funding, so Steven says, "Then I'll trample on your free speech. Don't mess with me, I've had it." As Steven walks away, he runs into Scott, who tells him that Dick Teachie was arrested, and that "rumor has it he threw somebody out a window." The Hook Lady walks by and gives Scott the super-duper cold shoulder. He's all, "Meredith!" And she's all, "Scott." But it's more, like, the WAY they each say it that, like, makes it so super-duper-cold.

Meanwhile, in prison (that's kind of fun to write), Ronnie returns to Dick Teachie's cell and tells him he's free to go, because the police agree that he didn't intend to really hurt the guy, so he's off the hook criminally, but not civilly, as Goat Boy could still sue him directly. "Yeah, let 'im try!" Ronnie also brought Girlfriend McFiance with her, but Dick Teachie just yells at her to go away, so she does. Who can blame her? She doesn't even have a damn name. Ronnie tells Teachie he should at least talk to LoveInterest von FemaleCharacter, but he tells her thanks for the legal advice, but he'll feel free to torpedo his personal life all on his own. Then he leaves. Ronnie looks after him, sadly, because she knows Billy Zane would never brain someone with a phone for her.

Livin' large at Winslow High, boyeeeee.

The office. Steven and Harry, standing around. The Exposition Fairy comes in late, and Steven asks her where she's been. She's not good at providing her own exposition, it seems, because she doesn't explain very well. Then she asks, "What's this about Danny Hanson kidnapping the governor?" Dick Teachie, who is standing nearby, unnoticed, says, "I didn't kidnap any governor." Steven tells Danny to come into his office, and that Harry will cover his classes today. Danny protests that he just threw a phone at a guy, and Harry justifies his presence in the scene by saying, "Was it a pay phone?" Then he disappears for the rest of the episode. I miss Harry. Before Steven has a chance to follow Dick Teachie into the Sanctum, he notices that The Exposition Fairy has accidentally spilled a bunch of mail out of her purse. "What was that?" "My mail." "Let me see it please." No. Yes. No. Yes. Meanwhile, Scott wanders in and picks up one of the envelopes off the floor, where it fell. "Hmm. 'Dear Helen.'" Steven glares at Louisa, and tells her that, when he's done with Dick Teachie, she's . Bum-bum-bummmmmm.

Lauren's room. Britney-ta comes in, a bounding bundle of boundless energy, and announces that Mr. Important Record Man wants to sign her, and also he's got a new group he wants her to open for, and tour with, and the tour is four months long, and starts in December, and oh MY GOD! Lauren points out that Agui-lita would have to leave school, butPink counters that this is a great opportunity. Blah blah, what guarantees did he give you, blah-di-blah. Ultimately, Lauren tells L'il-lita to talk to her parents first, and get a lawyer to look over the contract before she signs anything. And oh MY GOD!

Sanctum Stevenorium. Steven is saying something about how he hired Dick Teachie with reservations to begin with, given his criminal record. Which consists, it seems, of two drug arrests in college, and some joy-riding in high school. That's a lot like your record, eh, Sars? Well, how do you expect me to behave when you set fire to my legs? Wait. That was in the dream. ["Besides, it was public lewdness, not joy-riding." -- Sars] Anyhow, the only point of this meeting is for Steven to express that he is concerned, and to elicit a pledge of better behavior from Dick Teachie, and also to make sure he's okay. None of these things goes very well. But then he sends away Teachie and summons The Exposition Fairy, and tells her that the best thing she can do to help herself is give him straight answers. "Are you Dear Helen?" Yes. "Who else knows about this?" Nobody. "Why are you doing this?" And here's where she gets all well-informed on Steven's ass: "Because the lack of information out there is, in my mind, life-threatening. Kids still don't wear condoms, half of them think AIDS is over, and many of them suffer from emotional scarring due to embarrassment over sex!" Steven is persuaded by her sound reasoning, and says, "Good points all, Louisa. You may continue to write your column." Wait, this may have also been in my dream. Because, actually, it looks like Steven is saying something else: "You committed fraud, Louisa! You also exposed this school to a lawsuit! Not to mention the fact that you have no training!" Actually, those are good points too. Louisa says, "I ran everything through a doctor!" "I don't care!" "THEN WHY DID YOU ASK?!" Then she starts crying. Steven's all, "You're crying. I don't care that you're crying. It's not fair that you're crying. I shouldn't have to deal with that, and you're making me deal with that. I don't know what I'm gonna do about this. Go back to your job while you still have it."

Teacher's lounge, where Scott has tracked down The Hook Lady; she makes herself tea, delicately holding the teabag with her hook. She does the old oh-I'm-not-mad routine, although she clearly is, and he tries to get through her little tactics, but as soon as he gives up, she's all, "Do you have any idea how difficult that was for me? I'm forty-six years oldand when I lost my handI all but fainted before asking you to spend the night. And you fled my house, as if I'd repelled you" Scott interrupts to explain his own fears: "You said, 'Make love to me.' You said, 'Ravage me.' Say that to a man, and what he hears is, 'Perform.' Say that to a man who hasn't performed in nine years, wellhe's bound to get stage fright." Heh. She explains that her aggression was only a cover for her own fears. After a little snafu over Scott's admissions that he discussed all of this with Steven, they decide to formally admit their fears. "I'm afraid." "I'm afraid." "I'm terrified," says Harvey, appearing in the background. "Are you two having sex? If so, then we should all be afraid. Truthfully, Scott, how can you not be scared of the hook?" BWA HA HA!

Delineation Alley. Lauren and The New Lauren, Ronnie, are talking about Britney-ta, and Ronnie says she knows people who can look over the contract. When they pass Dick Teachie's room, Ronnie ducks inside to talk to him. "The rumor is," says Lauren, conspiratorially, "he hijacked a bus."

In the room, Ronnie extends more personal advice, because, apparently, something like this happened to her once or whatever. "You should at least talk to her," blah-di-blah, because otherwise the pain and resentment will destroy him. Dick Teachie's all, "That's what's gonna destroy me? What about not being able to trust again?" And so on. If only we cared about Dick Teachie's relationship. I mean, we like him plenty, but we know nothing about the fiance, or why she's worth missing. Anyway, Ronnie leaves him with the idea that, at the very least, he should ask his fiance why this happened. Because then, years from now, when he's tearing himself up with the question, "Why did that happen?" he'll at least have his ex-girlfriend's ill-reasoned and self-serving gloss of an answer. Or, you know, Ronnie makes it sound like it might matter what excuse the fiance comes up with.

Music room. Lauren listens while L'il-lita rehearses a slower number. This one is about the fleeting nature of childhood: "Photographs in scrapbookslife's gone in a flashfirst bites [?]stitches" Keh? Steven comes in, and Lauren's all, "Isn't she great, oh MY GOD!" Steven's like, yeah, she's ah-ight, but "I just got off the phone with the parents. They said she's leaving school." Yeah. "They also tell me that you support her leaving school." Uh oh, Lauren's in trouble. Steven says he needs her to be there when he meets with the parents later. Then he leaves, and we can hear the lyrics of the song again: "I remember bracesice-cream nightamazing how much we used to fight" "We"? I guess her and her parents maybe. Ah, so the song is meant to be apropos. How clever.

Dick Teachie's room. It's Talk Time. So Talk Time raises her hand. "Debbie, how come it's always you?" Heh. 'Cause she's Talk Time, yo! She asks him if he attacked a man, and he says, "I threw a phone at someone I was angry at. I didn't mean to hurt him, but I did. It's over now." She gets all self-righteous, and won't let him change the subject, and says that the suit against Lipschultz "was a lesson in righting a wrong, playing by the rules. And here you are resorting to violence. You tell us we should be proud of how we handled the situation, but how can we be proud of you? You're all action, and no talk. I think you owe the class an apology." Dick Teachie begs to differ: "I think you've got a big mouth, and for such a smart girl, you don't know when to keep it shut, because you don't know what you're talking about. I came home to find the woman I was engaged to in bed with another man, that's what we're talking about here, Debbie. And it's why I believe in gun control, because if I had a gun, I mighta taken it out and blown his head off. I guess you'd want an apology for that, too, wouldn't you, Debbie? Except you're not gonna get one. Except to the rest of the class, for calling on you every time you raise your hand, because if they're half as sick of listening to you as I am, I owe them a big, fat apology. So I'm sorry. We got some time left, anyone else?" Talk Time runs out of the room in tears, past Ronnie, who's evidently been standing in the doorway long enough to catch this speech. Wow, he really humiliated her. Talk Time? More like Mock Time.

A classroom. The Hook Lady is using her hook to hold a small piece of chalk and write on the board. Also, I say "a classroom" because it cannot be her classroom, since she only assistant-teaches. Anyway, Scott comes in and asks her to the symphony. She's all, "Scott, I think you and I should maybe take a break." Oh no! "Why?" The Hook Lady says that she sensed his nervousness, and somewhat accepts his explanation for why he rejected her, but she doesn't accept it totally. "You think I'm gay." Heh. But no, she thinks that "on some level you maybe don't approve of me. You think I'maberrant." Scott protests, but she won't hear it. "Aberrant," eh? What a strange thing for her to think. Then she turns back to the board, using the hook which she got when she severed her own hand with a chainsaw trying to free herself from the chair in the basement she'd been handcuffed to by her son, to write on the board some more. "Aberrant"? Where'd she get that from? Scott goes to the door, but hesitates. "I have an appointment with Dr. Coburn tomorrow. Maybe we could both go together."

Sanctum Stevenorium. The Exposition Fairy, with Marla by her side, is facing the music. Wait, hold onMarla? What's SHE doing here? This is what Steven wants to know. "She asked me to join her. Like it or not, Steven, sex is a big part of students' lives here, and we don't really address it." I think what she means is that it's a big part of the lives of the students who go there. The way she said it, it sounded like sex is a big part of the time they spend at Winslow High, which is only true for a select few (Lisa "My Fair-lita" Greer; the student council election girl, umBlow-lita; and the girl last week who was trying to have a breast orgasm in the hallway. And Lauren Davis and Stalker Daniel. Or was that just a dream Stalker Daniel had? Anyway). Steven explains why he doesn't like what happened, blah blah blah fraud-cakes. He also points out that there were other options, like an openly faculty-written column, or a student newsletter organized under the auspices of the administrationsomething legal, since, in principle, he supports a column of this type. But she says, "I guess I wanted to do it. I thought I'd be good at it. Stevenall I do here is answer phones, and tell you who's waiting." Awww. Steven's all, "So this was ego. Fraud. Motivated by ego." The Exposition Fairy leaves. Marla says, "Don't ever underestimate the despair of feeling like you have no purpose." Then she gives this whole speech about how she's realized she does just that with various issues -- seizes on them, to feel important. Steven says he doesn't care. "'Cause you're a fat, bald grump, that's why. Steven, you walk around every day, doling out second chances. I think Louisa's entitled to one. Don't you?" He grumps, fatly and baldly.

Chez Teachie. He comes home to find his girlfriendsitting alone on the couch, fully clothed. Lover Q. SourceOfStrife says, "I'm so sorry." But he only wants to know one thing: Her name. No, wait: "Why?" She's all, "I don't know exactly. I don't love him. I love you. I think maybeI get scared of a future with you, Danny. You're never gonna make any money. I see you spending all day with your students, coming home at eight o'clock. Then you go out bowling with your friends, or playing cardsI see myself alone. With old furniture. And a freezer that won't make ice. I love you. And I love what we have. I think maybe partly I was trying to break it." He says job well done. She wants to know what happens now, and he says he's gone. She thinks it can't be that simple, because they love each other. "I don't trust you anymore. That's simple. And a big part of my love for you was trust, and now it's gone, soI'm gone. It is that simple." They sit in the dark on his couch, a few feet between them that feel like miles and miles. Or something.

Delineation Alley. Lauren is explaining to Britney-ta that her chances of actually becoming a big star are kind of slim, but Britney-ta insists that she at least want to try. They pass Ronnie and Dick Teachie, one of whom is asking the incredulous question, "That's it?" "We talked!" "For thirty seconds!" As they head into the lounge, he says, "She said it all. Sometimes the truth can come in one little spurt." That's really the line, people; I just work here. "Basically, her dreams weren't gonna come true with me. Which, I guess I already sorta knew. She wants to travel, and have nice clothes, and a big house someday." Ronnie points out that "if these are the things she prioritizes, she wasn't worth it." Teachie says she was. "That's what hurts, isshe was." On his way out of the lounge, he runs into Harvey, who sympathizes with him. "It happened to me. My Helen." Oh yeah, that's right! "Son, I'm sure you already heard from many people, time heals all wounds. But it may be better to hear it from me: Timecannot heal this particular wound." Dick Teachie's all, "Thanks."

Therapist McMustache's office. Scott and Meredith, hand in hook, are having a session together, as Scott suggested. McMustache is saying that they're both clearly feeling some discomfort, but that's to be expected. "Neither of you has been with a partner in a long time." The Hook Lady says she thinks that Scott is uncomfortable with her in particular, which he denies, but McMustache is skeptical that Scott could find nothing at all odd about her, so he presses him on it until Scott says, "I find it odd that having her son suckle her bosom would bring her to orgasm." Uhdoes thatumhappenMeredith? "Not now. Back when I used to nurse." Scott says that intimidates him, 'cause what if he can't excite her as much as her son does? "You see? That's how he makes me feel aberrant. I never nursed Jeremy for the purpose of orgasm. That was justa windfall."

Special Meeting Room. Steven and Lauren are meeting with the parents of Aguil-ita. I think her dad, actually, might be Joey Potter's incarcerated drug-dealing father. ["Agui-lita herself guest-starred in a couple of episodes of the late unlamented Get Real." -- Sars] The parents are upset because it's been hard enough for them, apparently, to keep their daughter focused on studying, and now her teacher is supporting a decision to drop out. Lauren says, "I think that Cara is on a mission in her life." Mr. Potter's all, "To be a recording star? How many kids have that dream?" "Quite a few, I'm sure, but not many have Cara's talent." Also, Lauren points out, Cara's academic future is not bright. Mr. Potter says that some kids bloom in college, and Lauren's like, "She's not likely to excel. And given that music is where her passion lies, given that it's where she does excellook, Cara almost dropped out when she was a sophomore. I was the one who fought to keep her here, I was the one who tutored her for free. Don't accuse me of not caring about her education. I care about her future as well. And she may very well have one in music. Most kids are destined to live ordinary lives, Mrs. Glynn. Maybe Cara isn't one of them." Blah.

Dick Teachie's room. He says they're going to take Talk Time first, and he's the one who's going to take it. "I want to apologize to everybody. Especially to Debbie. You know, uh, when I was a student, I got lousy grades, and I basically was kind of a screw-up. I used to look at teachers and think, wow, leaders, head of the class, wow. I think that's when I decided that's what I'd be. Sohere I am. Head of the class. And I bet some of you guys go, wow. The things is, teachers, we're human just like everyone else. Some days, students like you, Debbie, make better role models than us up here. And that's good, it's always good to question. And I was proud, of how you handled our role in the courtroom. I'm proud of all of you. And I'm embarrassed how I responded whenyou see, um, I just broke up with someone that I love a lot, soif I act out, then, umwell, I'm gonna try not to do that anymore. And I definitely shouldn't take it out on any of you." Awwwww.

Chez Peters. The Hook Lady and Scott are flipping through a magazine of some kind, talking about buying something which they could afford if they went in on it together, which would "officially make us a couple." Wait, when did they resolve everything and get all lovey again? She says, "I enjoyed going to therapy with you today." Okay, but things were still pretty tense when we left them. Is there a scene missing here? Anyway, they smooch, and then look back at the magazine. "I'm not sure it even comes in my size." It's a magazine of fake hands, we now see. "It looks like the hand of a piano player. I guess that's why you like it. Will it make my real hand look ugly?" Scott says not at all, and kisses her real hand.

To the strains of L'il-lita's song about life being gone in a flash, Dick Teachie comes home late, for the third time this episode. He finds this time, on the coffee table, an engagement ring on a piece of paper, with a heart drawn on it, surrounding the ring. He picks up the ring and sits on the couch, alone this time. Remembering, I guess, braces, and ice cream nights.

week: Someone steals the Hook, and Scott goes on the warpath; angry parents come to school with the police because a student had sex with their underage daughter, thereby committing statutory rape; a student ODs, and Brooke Harper is there; Steven wants to know if Brooke is using drugs; Brooke gets offered drugs at a party.