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Previously on Boston Public: Some girl started the Fat Girls club and asked Marla to be the sponsor, and she freaked out; Jeremy Peters dissected a hand with his science teacher; Marilyn reiterated the Jeremy Peters and Mother and Basement story to Danny Hanson; Marilyn and Danny went to Chez Peters and learned Mrs. Peters was missing a hand; Ronnie Cooke dramatically walked into the office and announced that she wants to be a teacher.
At a swanky restaurant, Ronnie "Borg to be Wild" Cooke is having dinner with Billy Zane. Maybe they're back together. Or not. Anyway, it seems David Kelley is bored of having him be unsupportive because, since the last episode, he's pulled a complete 180 and is now telling Ronnie how proud he is of her. Then he asks, "So they just let you teach, without any qualifications?" She explains that she has to take a course, but gets an emergency credential in the meantime due to the teacher shortage.
Ronnie and Billy Zane go to their law office, where Ronnie is going to clear out her desk. They banter about how they're compatible in only one way, and about the time they almostyou knowright here in the office (how naughty!), and she teasingly suggests that maybe that's how she wants to go out, but he knows she's teasing, blah blah blah I'm-here-to-sex-up-the-show-cakes.
In her office, Ronnie cleans out her desk. Then she gets this mischievous look, and starts to take off her clothes.
Ronnie wanders through the office in a half-open button-down shirt, searching for Billy Zane. Suddenly, he jumps out of hiding with a bottle of champagne. Followed by five dozen other people. It's a surprise party. Ronnie is embarrassed as everybody looks at her strangely. For some reason I cannot fathom, Scott Guber is there, and his jaw hits the floor at the sight of Ronnie in the very nearly all-together. Why is he at her farewell-from-law-office party? Maybe because he's a lawyer or something? Ah, never mind.
Does anybody know the rules, by the way, of opening credit designation? Like, why Fyvush Finkel is "and," or why Michael Rapaport is "with"? Just wondering. Also: Nicky Katt is in the new Richard Linklater movie Waking Life, which is also, like, the coolest thing to watch ever. It totally altered my state of mind for the twenty-four hours. Anyway, Nicky is in this one part where four guys (also including Adam Goldberg) walk down the street spouting theory, and see this other guy up in a tree for no reason, and then they observe that that guy's no worse than them, because he's all action and no theory, but they're all theory and no action. Just see the movie. It's not about anythingor is itabout EVERYTHING?
“ Um, okay, that's a desperate grab for wacky status, is it not? To have a character on your show declare your show to be weird? I mean, there's a woman missing a hand. This is not so weird. There is a parent who assists in class. This is also not so weird. The woman with the missing hand and the helpful parent are the same person. Danny? Shut up. ”
Awwww yeah. Winslow High, boyeee.
Harry "All Theory, No Action" Senate walks the halls with Ronnie. She's just told him her mortifying story, and he wants to know what Scott was doing there. "Apparently, he's friends with one of the partners." Ah, I see. So he gets invited to the surprise going-away party for a woman he barely knows. I see. Just then, Scott appears, and rather winningly explains that what he saw will have no bearing on her job at Winslow, but "you will be expected to remain clothed at all times during school hours." Heh. But then, as Harry and Ronnie walk away, Scott remains visible in the background, not moving, staring at her. Thinking, "Look at me. Look at me, Ms. Cooke." Steven chases down Harry and Ronnie, and explains that some teacher named Mr. Liston is out, so Steven is placing Ronnie in charge of his class. Harry counters that that class is "half-remedial" and there's kids in there who would be in the dungeon if there were room, and he's "throwing an inexperienced teacher to the wolves." Steven counter-counters that if he put an uncredentialed teacher in a regular class, then parents would be "crawling up [his] colon." Did the censors ban the word "ass" over the summer, because in the last episode, didn't Steven use the phrase "bottom in the fire"? Just checking. Anyway, he also explains that he chose Ronnie because "the book on you is that you're tough."
Steven passes Lauren as he walks away from Ronnie and Harry, and we follow her (Lauren) as she runs into a student of hers, Denise, who's got a Princeton interview today, and "thought I should look all classy and stuff, you know." Lauren says that she has some delicate advice, and Denise says, "You can say it, Ms. Davis, you're like a big sister to me, and stuff." Lauren tells Denise that she needs to "exercise care" with her speech, because her thick Brooklyn accent (which she has for some reason) and use of words like "stuff" and "you know," and inability to pronounce the "g" in her "-ing" words, will make the wrong impression on the Princeton interviewer. Lauren seems to think that straight A's are less important than trying to sound smart in your interview. This is really bad advice. The interview isn't really to see how smart you sound and, in fact, "tried to sound smart" is not something you want your interviewer writing down. The point of the interview is to see if you're a normal person who can carry on a conversation, and be good-natured, and funny, and MORE than just an A student. Then again, maybe Princeton does have a policy of only accepting people with Mayflower roots, whose inbreeding has rendered them unable to part their teeth or bend their knees. Right, Sars? ["No, that's Harvard." -- Sars] Anyway, Denise is all nervous, and has been pukin' and stuff all morning, and doesn't know if she can talk different. "Differently," corrects Lauren.
Danny "Dick Teachie" Hanson and Dr. Benjamin are elsewhere in the halls, talking about some meeting that's been called for an unknown purpose. It's a meeting just for teachers, and they speculate that it's a "union thing." But they're able to get no farther, as they are brought up short by the sight of Mrs. Peters collecting assignments in a classroom, with her hook. "What is the hook lady doing in there?" asks Dr. Benjamin. "Why would they let a hook lady teach?" Just then, Scott walks by, and Danny and Benji direct his attention into the room. Danny says, "This isn't, like, a normal school, is it?" Um, okay, that's a desperate grab for wacky status, is it not? To have a character on your show declare your show to be weird? I mean, there's a woman missing a hand. This is not so weird. There is a parent who assists in class. This is also not so weird. The woman with the missing hand and the helpful parent are the same person. Danny? Shut up.
Sanctum Stevenorium. Scott is explaining to The Hook Lady, and the teacher who was using her to assist, why she can't help out this year the way she did last year. "Last year she wasn't missing a limb." The other teacher asks if Scott is familiar with the Federal Disabilities Act. I think she means the Americans With Disabilities Act, but nobody fact-checks on this show, so who can say. Scott says it's the circumstances under which she lost the hand that concern him. Also, Steven is here, listening, and at this point asks why he wasn't informed of Hook Lady's assistantship, and the other teacher explains that "obviously, I wanted to keep it from you, Steven, and when I want to keep something from you, I put it in a memo, and deliver it personally to your assistant." At which point, The Exposition Fairy sticks her head into the room and drops a memo onto Steven's desk. "Sorry," she says, and leaves. "Look, the woman is credentialed. She used to be a teacher. We ask the parents to come in and help, this one does, and she's terrific. She's got credentials!" Blah blah blah, there's nothing Steven and Scott can really do, so Steven says they'll "discuss it."
Ronnie enters her classroom. In the universal sign for "unruly class," everyone is talking loudly and listening to music, and some are even dancing as she enters the room. Uh oh, these kids are dangerous! Did you hear how they were talking loudly before the teacher entered the room? Hoo boy. Of course, this is exactly what the dungeon looked like the first day Harry came in, during the pilot. Because loud talking and dancing are really the only things they can come up with to indicate "bad students." Of course, the dancing and talking STOP as soon as the teacher enters. And the students are, oh, I don't know, THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. So, now that we are already unconvinced of the difficulty of teaching this class, Ronnie begins. "Give me respect, you'll get it back. Don't, you don't." Ooh, she's no-nonsense. Someone asks, "Are you a real teacher?" She shoots back, "Are you a real student?" And everyone goes, "Ooooooh." As though calling into question the "reality" of this guy's studenthood is really hitting him where it hurts. I mean, he obviously doesn't care about his studies -- did you see the way he was irreverently dancing and talking before? Just before he sat down quietly as soon as Ronnie came in? Anyway, she gives a little pep talk about how their transcripts all suck, and they're way behind, and she'll be their leader for most of the day, teaching them everything except science and math. Of course, it's the middle of the semester, and she's talking like it's the first day of school, and also this is totally lame because they've essentially just magically created another dungeon just so that we could see why Ronnie is a gritty and bad-ass kind of teacher, and I also don't believe Steven really thinks it makes sense to put a less qualified teacher with a group like this (I mean, did you SEE the dancing?). But: whatever.
Ronnie begins, asking one student to explain where man came from. He parses Darwin's theory of evolution. Dude, this class is so REMEDIAL! Determined to confuse what might be one of the few things these kids do know, Ronnie starts to lecture about how maybe evolution isn't how it happened, and advances a partially creationist viewpoint. Later, she will claim that this is somehow supposed to expand the kids' minds, but they look at her like she's a whack-job, which is what she sounds like. Ronnie Cook? More like Ronnie Kook. Then she asks how the universe started, and someone says, "Big mother bang." Okay, could these students BE any more remedial, yo? (I'm being sarcastic. Go into the "remedial" class in a public high school in a large American city, and ask those two questions. If you get an explanation of evolution, and the Big Bang, I'll eat my alarm clock.) But the student's use of the word "mother" makes the correct answer somehow remedial, I guess. This is so exactly like the dungeon. Only it's not. It's the un-geon. Anyway, Ronnie starts asking questions about life, death, the soul, time, and no one bites, and she says, "I've certainly discovered the problem in this room. None of you wonder." No, Ronnie Kook, I think you're the problem in this room.
Yeah, boyeee. Boston street scenes in da hiiiiizzouse!!!
The Exposition Fairy escorts Steven down the hall. He asks a bunch of questions about this mysterious teacher meeting, and all of her answers are "I don't know." Man, she's in danger of becoming The Nothing Fairy, who appears periodically and then adds nothing. Suddenly: "SMELL THAT SHOE!" Ah, the shoe lady. She thrusts a sneaker in Steven's face, declaring her mantra. However, this time the shoe per se has nothing to do with her complaint, rendering what follows totally surreal, and in a way ruining the show's best running gag. "That's the shoe of sin. You've got your school newspaper peddling perverted sex advice. Have you read this? Smell that shoe!" Buh? However, the randy newspaper is promising. I'm hoping for another rebellious young brunette firebrand to take the place of Cheryl Holt (sniff!). "I don't pay taxes on my nineteen thousand dollars so that my daughter can get smutty sex advice" and so on. "Smell that shoe!" Zuh? After learning that Scott is at the dentist ("Again?"), Steven foists the shoe lady off onto The Nothing Fairy and flags down Kooky Ronnie Cook, so that he might take her to task for teaching creationism in his school. "I wasn't teaching creationism. I was simply telling them what it is." Steven's not buying it. "Controversy makes me put on weight." Kooky: "You're not suggesting that we squash creationism. That would take us back to Scopes, wouldn't it?" She refers, of course, to the Scopes Monkey Trial, subject of the fine play Inherit The Wind, later a film starring Gregory Peck, based on the real trial in which Clarence Darrow defended a teacher on trial for teaching evolution. In short: Guh? No, Ronnie. It would take us back to the Constitution. Just then, a gurney speeds by.