Chapter Twenty-Three

As the current popular radio single goes: "It's been a while." But, kids, I'm back, after a lengthy hiatus during which I did not mention Fyvush Finkel even once. And I'm firing on all cylinders, folks. Let me tell you a bit about what's in store. Funny nicknames? Yep. Identification of David E. Kelley's ridiculous writing tics? Oh yeah. Attempts to seduce the female cast members? Perhaps. But, if the premiere is any indication, I'm going to need more than that. I'm going to need an all-new feature, which I'm going to call "How It Should Have Been." That's right. Whenever an opportunity for good TV is squandered, instead of throwing things, or perhaps in addition to throwing things, I'll switch into HISHB mode and write the scene the way it ought to be.

Last season on Boston Public: Marilyn told Principal Steven that Mrs. Peters keeps her son locked in the basement, which she proudly admitted; Jeremy Peters sat in the basement, looking creepy; Marilyn told Mrs. Peters she'd be watching; Anthony Heald asked first Lauren, and then Marilyn, to go to the symphony with him; Harry Senate started the Suicide Club and got in various forms of trouble; Harvey offended black people; Lauren told Steven that her parents think being a teacher is a waste; Marla spoke to the school board about how being a teacher makes you crazy; Anthony Heald lamented to Steven that working at Winslow High dominates their entire lives, and Steven countered that it matters; Marilyn speculated that Jeremy Peters has done something to his mother; Jeremy spoke at graduation and thanked his mother, who was tied to a chair in his basement.

An alarm clock goes off in a swank Boston apartment. A swank Boston area woman's hand turns it off, scrunching her swank Boston eyes with weariness. It's Jeri Ryan, as promised in all the ads. The alarm is set for 7:00 AM, missing the opportunity for the first in-joke of the season, which (HISHB alert!) would have been to set it for 7:09. Eh? Eh? Better, right? Anyway, she says, out loud, "What did I drink last night?" Then she peers at the man in her bed, and seems to recognize him, and not be pleased at his presence.

Jeri takes a steamy shower. The water runs down her alabaster skin in hot rivulets, her silken hair the color of sunlight reflected in a lily-dappled pool of mountain spring water. Then Billy Zane gets into the shower with her. He starts to scrub her back. Apparently, he is her ex-boyfriend, and she wants it that way, but they seem to have some trouble staying away from one another. We also learn that she's going to high school that day to talk to the kids about going into the practice of law. Which is odd, because ordinarily kids have to go to college first. It seems like a very unorthodox approach. Jeri's plan is to tell the kids, "Don't do drugs. Listen to your parents."

Did somebody say "unorthodox approach"? My word, here comes "Mata" Harry Senate, striding through the halls with Jeri. He says, "Most of them are drug-free. Some don't have parents." Anthony "Scott Guber" Heald appears (yay!) and tells Harry that he needs approval to bring a guest instructor to the dungeon. He also says "Hello" to Jeri Ryan three times, indicating that he thinks she's a cutie. Maybe there's some internet footage of that shower scene. Anyway, Harry introduces Scott to the guest instructor, and takes it that approval is inferred from his gaga eyes. We also learn that Jeri's name is "Ronnie Cooke." And boy oh boy does she ever! Ba dum bum. Principal Steven Harper approaches, with The Exposition Fairy by his side, though right now she's looking a little bit like The Extra Pounds Over The Summer Fairy, if you know what I mean. Maybe it's just the angle, though. Or the fact that most of the women on this show are anorexic. Steven asks who Harry's walking away with, and Scott's all, "Guest instructor. She's even more fetching from the front than sheSteven, I have a dentist appointment later today." The dentist appointment doesn't seem to matter, except insofar as it sets up The Exposition Fairy for a lame "Scott Guber with a toothache!?" joke. I mean, that's it -- that's the joke, so really there is no joke.

In the dungeon, Ronnie "If Seven Of Nine Can" Cooke "So Can You!" is teaching Harry's class. Blah blah blah judges-look-for-precedent-cakes. The student Harry got a job at the morgue last season, whose name (I just had to pull up my old recaps and check) is Jamaal, asks how much lawyers make. She says it depends, some make a lot, and some make as little asteachers. Ouch! Low blow, what with this being a show about teachers and all. One student takes on the mission to boldly ask a question many high school students have asked before. He's one of the kids from Freaks & Geeks, actually, filling the vacancy left by last year's transfer of Anthony Ward. He asks, "First, how many years is law school. Second, can you do different kinds of law, or do you get, like, pigeon-toed. And third, could you show us your breasts?" She says no. Perhaps as a result, a big fight breaks out in the back of the room. Harry breaks it up and sends everyone else out of the room to talk to the two combatants, Miguel and Isaiah. Ronnie hangs out to watch Harry's crisis management skills, so he quips, "You like it so far?"

Okay, here's the thing: I did not like this pre-credit teaser sequence at all. Did anyone else feel like it wasn't the kind of warm-welcome return we like shows to have? No acknowledgement that there's been a summer, no sense of the teachers or students "returning" to something so that a new series of adventures can "begin." This really just felt like the opening of any random episode from the middle of last season. I want to be seduced again, dammit! I want a long shot of the empty hallway, and then a lone set of approaching footsteps. It's Anthony Heald, with a clipboard in his hand, checking classrooms, lockers, making sure everything is ship-shape. He straightens a crooked map, rearranges books on shelves that are improperly alphabetized. Steven approaches him. "You ready?" From outside, distantly, the sound of approaching students, hundreds, faint, like a memory. "Well," says Anthony Heald, "the first day of school always makes me think of my Latin teacher, who said --" At which point, the doors burst open, and the distant sounds become immediate, and as the first teenage silhouettes cross the threshold, in the background, behind Scott and Steven, that's How It Should Have Been before we cut to

Opening credits. Much the same as I remember, except that Jeri Ryan and Michael Rapaport pop up at the end. In the "where are they now" file, I just saw Coach Kevin on Broadway in Noises Off. He can do a fake British accent and is a gifted physical comedian. Who knew? Oh, also new this year: I will no longer waste time making fun of the theme music which, like a painful cyst, gradually becomes a part of you, such that you can tolerate it without contemplating suicide.

Phat beats. Boston streets. Walking feets.

The hallway. Marla "I'm A Teacher, Dammit" Hendricks and Lauren "Jeri Ryan May Soon Render Me Obsolete" Davis stride along together. They're arguing about textbooks, but then Marla gets flagged down by a female student and her three friends. We get their names, but more significant seems to be the fact that they are all, erm, not quite as anorexic as the aforementioned other women on this show. "We're starting a new club at school. It's a little like MENSA, though it's not based on IQ criteria. It's mainly based on academic achievement. It's called 'Fat Girl.'" Marla's like: Guh? "Well, basically, we feel overweight students, especially females, are discriminated against. Many also have extremely battered self-esteems." (I'll leave the word "battered" alone; you can make your own joke with that one.) "Many also perform at a high academic level, so we're just trying to mobilize a little. We need a faculty sponsor, and we would love for you to consider it." It's actually not a bad idea, but Marla flips out. "Do you think I'm fat? Let me tell you something. I am not fat. I am a thin person on medication. I have to take pills for my head, which make me put on weight, so don't you be callin' me fat. And when I was your age, by the way, I was pencil thin, and if I wasn't a little bit crazy now I'd still be that way so DON'T YOU BE CALLIN' ME FAT!" The Plus Size Brigade flees in terror. Marla notices Steven watching. He asks if perhaps she could have handled that another way, then leaves before getting an answer. How odd. Unless that was a rhetorical question. (ALERT. New DEK writing tic: scenes end with rhetorical questions.)

The dungeon. Harry sits with Miguel and Isaiah, waiting for them to explain their beef. He has his feet up on a desk, in a casual, laid-back way, to remind us that he's a good-looking rebel who plays by his own rules. Ronnie is here, too. Man, she's tall. What is she, seven foot nine? HA HA HA HAA! Hee hee. Anybody? Okaaay. Anyway, Harry can't get them to tell him what's going on, so he suggests that they settle their differences with a fistfight right there in his classroom. Ronnie, who was on hand to help him threaten the boys with police intervention due to their early foray into assault and battery, apparently has no problem with this plan. Miguel and Isaiah exchange a doubtful glance. I wonder if Harry's rebellious and cool approach will yield surprisingly positive results, and yet get him in trouble with Scott Guber? 'Cause if so, I wouldn't see that coming at all. Also, when Nicky Katt squints, I'm reminded that the original conception of Harry seemed to be to make him the Doug Ross of Winslow High.

Oh, and speaking of new characters (Ronnie) who make old characters (Lauren) obsolete, it's time to meet Michael Rapaport, as a cool, rebellious, laid-back young male teacher, who squints, and uses unorthodox methods towait a minute. Uh-oh, Nicky Katt. (By the way, people can bring up Cop Land and Mighty Aphrodite and whatever else, but nothing will ever beat his performance as Dick Ritchie in True Romance. "Do you know how much fuckin' coke you have here?" "How much?" "I don't know, but it's a fuckin' lot.") Anyway, apparently the teacher he plays here designates the last ten minutes of class as "talk time," wherein the kids can talk about whatever they want. One girl announces that she wants to talk about infidelity. "Is it infidelity if a man in a relationship masturbates with another woman in mind?" Oooohaaahhhoh noooo she diiiiidn't.goes the class. Except her boyfriend, who looks around, mortified. But she goes on: "I don't think a man in a relationship should be doing it at all if he's sexually active, but if he does do it, he should be thinking about her, not some girl in a magazine, and definitely not some other girl he knows." Michael Rapaport calmly explains that men masturbate all the time, whether they're in relationships or not, and also that mental cheating is not really cheating. Good for him. Except, and this is my real question, how on earth does the girl know about this in the first place? Any guy stupid enough to tell his girlfriend that he thinks about other girls he knows while masturbating kind of deserves to be humiliated in front of his class, if only so that in the future he will keep his mouth shut about it. The girl seems persuaded, except for, "But what if he's thinking about a classmate?" "Hey," says Dick Teachie, "I've thought about some of your nasty-ass classmates." On an unrelated topic, anybody see Britney Spears on the cover of this week's EW? Tasty. Anyhow, now we've established that Michael Rapaport is hip, and down, and bad-ass, and plays by his own rebellious rules, while being a rebel and a down hip bad-ass. Also, clearly I need to call him Dick Teachie from now on.

The dungeon. Miguel and Isaiah punch each other really hard. Harry squints. Ronnie cringes.

And now: the triumphant return of Harvey Lipschultz. In Harvey's classroom, because apparently coming up with ONE NEW SCENE for him over the summer hiatus was too much of a strain, we get the exact same scene that introduced him to us last year. Some kid is complaining about what they have to study in History, 'cause it was all over a hundred years ago and who cares about the exact dates and blah blah blah. Only it's a dorky white kid this year instead of Kevin Jackson. Actually, I grew quite fond of Kevin before last season was through, so maybe I'll give this dorky white kid a chance. Anyway, Harvey challenges the kid, whose name is Mr. Pratt, on his claim to have an exhaustive (if vague about exact dates) knowledge of American History, by means of asking, "Did you know, Mr. Pratt, that you're a big dick? Do we have any other big dicks with us today? Well, it seems you're the only one, Mr. Pratt. Now sit down. And learn the dates NOW!" BWA HA HA! Although Harvey apparently hasn't heard that Dick Teachie is already teaching down the hall.

The dungeon. Miguel and Isaiah continue to pummel one another until Harry breaks it up. "I don't think we have a clear winner here. We have to call it a draw. I gotta tell you, that was a pretty unbelievable fight, don't you think, Ronnie?" Ronnie, fighting off nausea, "agrees." Harry sends the boys off to get cleaned up, promising to buy them dinner if they meet him back there later. When they leave, they pass Scott Guber standing in the doorway. Harry tries to play off the fight like it's no big deal ("Did you catch any of that? That was amazing!"). Scott somehow manages to both narrow and widen his eyes at the same time, and Harry sees that he is not amused.

The Sanctum Stevenorium. Scott, Harry, and Steven, who begins by saying, "I don't even know where to begin on this one." Harry asks if he can start instead. Scott says no. Steven lets him start anyway. "These kids are in rival gangs, it was my belief that they might end up killing each other. Now, I don't advocate fistfights, or violence, but I thought it was the best way to defuse something that could have turned fatal." Blah blah blah questioning-Harry's-judgment-cakes. Steven decides he needs to talk to Ronnie Cooke, to see if she backs up Harry's version of the story, in the event that Harry "once again lands [his] bottom in the fire." Oh, ho, ho, Harry, when will you learn! Also, at the mention of Ronnie's name, Anthony Heald pulls a schwwwwing, and perks up like nobody's business. I really hope they start dating, and he has a partner to help him play with his baton. When he conducts music, people, please!

The hallway. Steven flags down Dick Teachie, whose real name turns out to be Mr. Hanson, and chastises him for discussing his masturbation habits in class. Dick Teachie assures Steven that he didn't dwell on it, but Steven's real concern is the comment about fantasizing about students. "What, you never have? Come on, with the way they dress these days, with the little belly rings, and the low-cut" On an unrelated topic, there are even better photos of Britney inside the issue. Anyway, Dick Teachie explains that he needs to employ a certain candor in order to get through to the kids on important issues like AIDS and drugs. Steven says that that's too much candor. Then he releases Dick Teachie and flags down Harvey, to chastise him for his dick talk-ie. Or something. It's been like twenty minutes, and already Harvey and Harry are on the verge of being fired again. Great. Steven tries to impress upon Harvey that he should inspire his students with his dignity and decency. "That's not going to happen." So, Steven growls at him instead, and Harvey walks away, seemingly unmoved. The Exposition Fairy appears to announce that Lipschultz watches Network every morning, and comes in with an "I'm not gonna take it anymore" credo. Since when? And how does she know that? Never mind, I don't want to know.

Science class. A teacher we don't know (since we've never seen a science class at Winslow High beforeor a non-humanities class of any kind, come to think of it, except when Marla had to pretend to teach Calculus and sang instead) is manipulating a model of the solar system. He is very small. He talks about the universe for a while, and then the bell rings, and he stops one student, Jeremy Peters, on his way out. He congratulates Jeremy on his perfect midterm score, and then tells him, "You're not challenged. I want you to know, if there's any topics or projects that interest you, beyond the scope of our curriculum, I'm always here in the afternoons. I want all my students to be challenged." Jeremy starts to go, and then has a thought. "Dr. Harris? There is one thing." Um"Doctor," did he say? I see. So this is one of those physics Ph.Ds who teaches public high school. Actually, it's cynical of me to assume that there's not many of those. Nevertheless, I assume that there's not many of those. Anyhow, Jeremy tells Dr. (snerk) Harris that he has a friend who's pre-med, who gave him a hand from a cadaver. "I'd love to dissect it, or do a hand autopsy, or something." Well, maybe he's telling the truth, people, and doesn't instead want to bring in the severed hand of the mother he keeps locked in the basement. "An adult hand?" "Yes, female, adult. Around fifty, I think." Ew. And Jeremy Peters morphs back into ScaringMe Peters.

Sanctum Stevenorium. Steven and Scott interview Ronnie, who backs up Harry's story all the way down the line. Actually, Steven interviews, and Scott gapes and drools. Over the course of the interview, we learn that she and Harry have known each other since college, and are friends. Then she turns to Scott and says, "Hello." He fidgets, indicating that he's gonna think about her nasty ass later. I'm just saying. Hey, Sars, is it just me, or is this recap more inappropriate than my usual work? ["I would answer, but I'm too busy bathing in lye after the Britney comments." -- Sars]

The lounge. Marla tells Lauren (who so far seems to have taken the role left vacant by Coach Lamprey The Plot Parasite) that she decided to sponsor the Fat Girls club, but wants reassurance that she's not fat. Dick Teachie, whose first name we now learn is Danny (interesting, because the character is not unlike solo dynamo performer Danny Hoch), overhears, and gets into it with Marla over the health risks of obesity. "Heart disease. Diabetes. I mean, you want to be a good leader, get those tubs on a treadmill, and I say this with affection." Marla is not happy. However, Danny goes on, "This isn't about you, this is about teachers being responsible. And if six jumbos come up to you with Twinkies in their hands, singin' 'I just gotta be me'" Marla tells him it would be very wise if he were to leave the room. "What'd I say?"

The dungeon. Harry straightens the desks. Ronnie appears in the doorway. He thanks her for standing up for him, but she provides him with a more nuanced assessment than she gave to Steven. "Did you take a second to think? When those two boys were punching each other out, I couldn't bear to watch, so I watched you. You seemed to be enjoying it." Harry says that's ridiculous. She brings up all the old unconventional things he's done, just to remind us of what a good-looking rebel who plays by his own rules he is, and asks if he sees a pattern. "I don't go by patterns! It's case by case! And in this case I did what I did to save their lives!" She says, "Okay," unconvinced. I wonder if the actors notice, and get bored, when their characters play the same scenes again and again and again. How much more interesting would it be if we came back, and Harry was suddenly a totally conventional teacher, and Lauren was outrageous, or whatever, thereby creating a vacuum of knowledge (how did this change come about?) that we'd want filled, instead of just reiterating everything we already know about the character? Ah, well.