Its the big two-oh. I cant believe Ive written twenty of these. By which I mean it feels more like eight-hundred-billion-jillion. Zillion. Ka-gillion.
Props to the Josh Dodes Band. They were the most talented musicians on that damn show. Godspeed, kids. Flickerstick, Soulcracker, and most especially Whore-Low really need to pucker up and kiss your collective ass.
Previously on Boston Public: Steven argued with the Bus Lady about whether or not he humiliated her daughter; Kevin Jackson made a persuasive point to Scott Guber, so Guber asked him if hed ever considered joining the debate team; Steven asked the Bus Lady to dinner, in a scene that never actually made it onto the show before, but was rescued from the cutting room floor to be used here in order to convince us that they set up this relationship; Marilyn showed Jeremys mother the bruise on his chest, and she lied about its origin; Jeremy sat in the rain because he was afraid to go home after getting a bad grade on a test; Jeremys mother was unconcerned, and Marilyn told her shed be watching; Lauren smashed her car, and a former student named Daniel saw her; Daniel told her hes always had a crush on her; Daniel and Lauren got it on.
The school by night. Laurens classroom. Lauren Whorin Davis is going over some end-of-the-day paperwork, while Daniel The Graduate watches her intently, waiting for her to finish so that he can show Teacher the apple hes brought her. This will literally take me three seconds, she says, and he says fine, and then she looks back at he paper, and then back up at him, and then back down, and then back up at him as he stares at her with an almost sinister lust. At this point its already been at least fifteen seconds, but why should Lauren be held accountable for misuse of the word literally, when after all shes ONLY A TEACHER. LITERALLY. The music goes all Joe-Eszterhas-Erotic-Thriller, and we flash cut to black-and-white shots of Whorin and The Graduate dry-humping on her desk. This is meant to be, I guess, what hes thinking right now, and thats supposed to be really unusual or intense or something. But, honestly, Im thinking about something like that most of the time. Anyhow, Whorin notes his skeezy glances and asks him what hes thinking, and hes all, You really wanna know? Whorin earns her brand-new nickname all over again when she kind of waggles her eyebrows and says, I think I do, yeah. Daniel says, When I was your student, sitting in that desk right over there, sometimes Id fantasize: you and me, right on your desk? Thats what I was just remembering. Lauren tries to be funny. You used to fantasize that wed be doing paperwork together? Bones snap in her face as the misfiring attempt at humor stretches her frontal lobe into a completely new configuration. Then Lauren asks him to tell her about the fantasy, and he just nods toward the door. That doesnt lock, does it? he says. Thats the same question I ask when someone asks if they can watch my Boston Public tape in an adjacent room.
“ Anyhow, they glare at each other, and ice crystals form in the air betwixt them, and then Mrs. Peters walks away. Marilyn looks to Jenna The Bitch for solidarity, so thats doomed to fail. ”
Opening credits. This is literally the worst music ever written. Literally.
Still school, still night. Marilyn walks down the hall, as we learn that one of tonights guest stars is named Kaj-Erik Eriksen. As in the Viking, I guess. Marilyn enters a classroom, where Jenna The Bitch watches over a busy group of students. They are finishing up the yearbook, or, as Jenna nonsensically puts it: Apparently, everything had to be done this week to meet the deadline. What? Okay, leave the exposition to The Exposition Fairy, because you just suck at it. As Jenna rambles on about how stupid yearbooks are, Jeremys evil abusive mother is busy materializing out of thin air, as is her wont, nearby. Thus, when she says, Ms. Souter, what are you doing here? Marilyn hasnt even yet noticed that shes in the room. She says, Mrs. Peters. More or less the way Jerry Seinfeld used to say, Newman. Mrs. Peters offers Marilyn a brownie, which Marilyn declines, evidently able to smell the potent mixture of arsenic, cyanide, and lead from a few feet away. Mrs. Peters says that she wasnt aware Marilyn was involved with the yearbook, and Marilyn says, Well, Im not. I conduct the orchestra. Im told. Ive never actually seen the orchestra, however. No, but she does admit that shes not involved in the yearbook at all, thus allowing Mrs. Peters to conclude that shes checking up on her and her evil abusive ways. She laughs the laugh of a psychotic crazy lunatic and says, You did say youd be watching, didnt you? Marilyn says that yes, she did. Marilyn asks, in turn, what Mrs. Peters is doing there, but its pretty obvious that shes just bringing brownies to her son and his colleagues, so thats a pretty stupid question. Mrs. Peters answer it anyway, though, adding something about you know how their appetites are at this age. Yes, their appetites for being smacked around, eh what? Anyhow, they glare at each other, and ice crystals form in the air betwixt them, and then Mrs. Peters walks away. Marilyn looks to Jenna The Bitch for solidarity, so thats doomed to fail. Do you believe that act? Her whole dedicated-mother act? Jenna says, Hey, if its an act I wish more parents were doing it. At least she shows up and takes an interest. This is a good point. Unless of course Mrs. Peters really is thrashing her son, in which case its a terrible point. Time will tell. Either way, Jennas still The Official Winslow Bitch, so at least something is secure. Marilyn looks all frustrated that Jennas not on her side, and then glances back over towards Jeremy, concerned.
The hallway. Which is apparently the appropriate place for Scott Uber Guber to give Kevin Jackson a debating lesson, because that appears to be whats happening. Buh? Scott is saying, You need to enunciate, Mr. Jackson. Kevin is all, Hows this: I. Want. To. Go. Home. I guess he thinks that "enunciate" means "talk slower." Kevin says, Look, you axed me to be on this team, and you been on my ass ever since Scott calls him on the use of the word ass, but not, for some reason, on the use of the verb to ax, as in, May I please ax you a question? Kevin says that ass is not vulgar, but in fact simply means "donkey." Zuh? I mean, sure, it does, but not the way he used it. The way he used it, it meant "ass." Scott points out that it also means "stubborn," and Kevin says, Fine, you say 'stubborn,' I say 'ass.' The important thing is how you enunciate it. Hmm. Not one part of that exchange made any sense, but it was phrased in the recognizable form of banter and was therefore whimsical and entertaining. Oh ho ho ho. Ho. Ahem. As Kevin beats a retreat down the hall, Harvey Lipschultz approaches Scott from behind, to dispense some advice, I guess, on how to deal with black people, because he clearly the man best equipped to reach across Winslow Highs racial divides. Only, hes crazy, so all he says is: Debate is what you use to catch de-fish. BWA HA HA!
In some music-type room, yet another choir is singing. Winslow High has more vocal groups than frigging Juilliard. Theres a new one in every episode. And Marilyn conducts them all. But no matter how many choirs and a cappella groups she conducts, nothing will ever make me forget that orchestra remark in the pilot, and therefore I will never let DEK live that down. Until they show us an orchestra at this school, even once. Meanwhile, I dont think Marilyn is even conducting in the correct meter, and shes saying something like, Feel it, people. There shouldnt be a dry eye in the auditorium. Yes, because after the deaths of three students this year, what Winslow High needs is more events to attend that will make them cry. The Exposition Fairy comes in and tell Marilyn that theres a phone call for her. Its Jeremy Peters. He sounded pretty shook up.
In the office, Marilyn picks up the phone. Yep, sounds like hes pretty shook up. She tells him to stay where he is, and shell come get him. Wow, we really didnt need this scene at all.
At a schmancy restaurant, Steven and Mrs. Roening are having dinner. Shes saying, We didnt have to go out if youre this tired. Steven says, Im fine. There is a big piece of linguini on his head. Then, for the ten minutes, Mrs. Roening leads up, with painful slowness, to letting him know that there is linguini on his head, and that she assumes it got there because he tried to catch some shut-eye while she was in the bathroom. Or, you know, I think thats what happened, because I was catching some shut-eye during this whole damn Steven-Roening romance. Ha. Romance? More like No-mance. Then, mercifully, this scene ends.
Somewhere on the streets of Boston, Marilyn picks up Jeremy, who apparently got into a car accident. It wasnt my fault, hes saying as the tow truck takes his trashed car away. The guy just ran the red light, there wasnt anything I could do. He has insurance. Marilyn tells him, then, that he has nothing to worry about. Jeremy says he tried to call his mom, but she wasnt home, and he gets all emotional, and Marilyn rubs his back and says she doesnt mind that he called her at the school. Uh oh -- perhaps were headed for The Graduate, Part Two. (Itll be dark, and funny, and with a stroke.) Jeremy says, Its just a car, right? But he says it like one might say, Its just my entire life, right? Right? Marilyn says shell take him home.
Back at school, on what is apparently an incredibly late night for everyone, Harvey finds Kevin Jackson sitting pensively in The Stairwell Of Profound Thought. Harvey says, You shouldnt be here so late at night. People will think youre going to steal something. Heh. Kevin chuckles, and says hes about to go home. Harvey says, You know, Mr. Jackson, I dont know much about this debate thing, but I do know that Scott Guber has very high hopes for you. Thats probably why he pushes you so hard. Its probably not that you dont enunciate, but you talk too black. You know, you score points in how smart you sound. And that bubonic speech? It doesnt sound intelligent. Yes, but people who say bubonic when they mean Ebonics sound extremely intelligent, right Harvey? Then again, the term Ebonics itself is kind of ridiculous, so this is pretty much a no-win situation. So lets move on. Harvey says that Scott just wants the judges to see Kevin for how smart he really is. Then he explains why the Lincoln-Douglas debates are so called (i.e. Lincoln debated against Douglas), and points out that the debates were about slavery. Kevin: I suppose you were there. Heh. But, Harvey points out, no one asked any African-Americans what they thought. And he notes that Kevin is the only black person on the debate team. It is your duty, Harvey says, to be good in this debate. Kevin ponders this as Harvey walks away.