Chapter Sixteen

Props to the IRS. No need to audit me this year, folks. Please.

Previously on Boston Public: Anthony Ward was tied up hanging upside down outside the window; he was also put in a diaper and stuffed in a locker; he also pointed out that if he tells on his abuser, his head will be broken; Marla yelled that the students don't want to learn, and she's a teacher for god's sake; Tyron revealed to Harry that he's a murderer; Harry wouldn't talk to Lauren about Tyron, or about anything else for that matter; Anthony Heald told Principal Steven that he's in love with Lauren Davis (this is, officially, the most frequently used "previously" clip); Harry started a suicide club, for his students to talk about suicide, and said he'd talk to parents who complained.

The morgue. Harry "Big Fun" Senate leads his suicide club into the room, along with Jamaal (Remember? The kid who works at the morgue because Harry got him a job there?), and Morgue Friend (Remember? The guy Harry knows at the morgue who gave Jamaal the job? He has a name, too, that Harry said once. Remember it? 'Cause I don't), and they all troop solemnly over to a gurney with a white sheet over it. Morgue Friend is saying, "Now, if I get fired over this" But Harry tells him to calm down. He gives Jamaal the nod to relate the relevant info, which Jamaal does thusly: "Seventeen-year-old male. Cause of death: single self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. That's the most common way. Gun." Some girl asks, "Did he leave a note?" "No," says Jamaal, who has now somehow apparently become an expert on the causes and methods of suicide just from being a morgue intern. "Only one third of people who commit suicide leave notes. This kid had some drug problems. He was probably depressed and stuff. Depression's really big with teenagers." Harry asks the class if they're ready, and says, "Listen, if anybody thinks they can't take it, they can go." One girl goes. Harry asks again, but the rest stay. He gives Jamaal the nod for phase two, and Jamaal pulls back the sheet. Everyone cringes. One girl vomits. Harry narrows his eyes ever so slightly, to indicate the profound emotions now coursing through him.

Opening vomits. Still no Milton, still no Kevin, but I am still not convinced. Until they replace them in the credits with, say, Jenna and Tina Knowles, I won't be sure that they're really off the show. But when that happens, I'll believe it, because I can buy a show canning dorky guys and adding more hot girls.

Commercials. I love the one where the adorable redhead from That 70s Show dances around. She rocks.

Urban beats. Boston houses. The hallway, where Anthony Heald is chasing down Harry. "Mr. Senate, did you take a group of students to a morgue last night to view a suicide victim?" Harry asks when. "Last night!" Harry asks what time. Heh. "Did you take students from this school to look at a boy who had shot himself in the head?" Harry says yes. I was hoping he'd turn the whole thing into an Abbott and Costello routine, though, and keep asking inane questions to deflect Scott, until Scott smacked him with his hat in frustration. But, no. Scott asks why. Harry says, "Before I answer that, is there any answer that you would find acceptable?" Just then, a school security guard appears behind Scott and asks to speak to him in his office. When Scott turns back to Mr. Senate, Harry is no longer there, having, I guess, shouted, "Form of: vapor!" and used his power ring with his Wonder Twin sister. I have no idea where that came from either. Anyway, Scott, frustrated in so many ways, goes off with the guard.

Marla's classroom. "Mr. Jackson. What can you tell me about the Louisiana Purchase?" Not much, says Mr. Jackson, who is, I believe, the same student who wanted to know in the series premiere why he should bust his black ass reading about a bunch of lies. "Why is that?" Mr. Jackson explains: "Well, I read the assignment on Friday, and by now it's Monday, and I forgot most of it. The reason for that is, it's boring. Most stuff that happened over a hundred years ago is boring. Unless you can relate it to what's going on now. That's the problem with the text we study from. We can't relate." He makes his point eloquently, calmly, and in a friendly tone. Thus, Marla has no choice but to response in the following manner: "Get out. Get yo ass outta my class, and go to the principal's office. Try to relate to that." Mr. Jackson protests that he was just making a point, and Marla says so is she. Yeah, nutbar, the point that you're playing with half a deck, you quack.

Vice-office. Appropriately. Because the school security guard, Matthew, is explaining a sensitive matter to Anthony Heald, which is that about sixty hours of security tapes have been stolen from his desk. Steven, who is also here, asks a bunch of irrelevant questions until the guard cuts through the treacle and gets to the point: "Look, it's not so much that the tapes were stolen, as what's on them." I don't see the difference; these seem to be two sides of the same coin (or, shall we say, the same side of two coins), but moving on: "Well, one camera was in the girls' locker room. In the shower. So these tapes would contain footage of naked coeds." Steven asks the obvious question (i.e. "what the fuck?") and Matthew points the finger at Anthony Heald: "Because he told me to put it there." Then they have a shouting match, in which it's relatively clear that Scott said to put a camera in the locker room, and Matthew chose to interpret this as, "Make kiddie porn." Scott says, "I never said shower!" about ninety times, and he's obviously telling the truth, but Steven pulls a very parental I-don't-care-who-started-it sort of thing and yells, "All right!" Scott says, "Fire him." Matthew says, "Fire me?" Steven says, "Have you watched these tapes, Matthew?" Matthew says yes. Scott says, "Fire him." Steven reiterates the situation, and Scott says, "Fire him." Matthew says, "There's also footage of a teacher." Steven says, "Who?" I'm not sure that that's relevant right now, but Matthew answers anyway: "Lauren Davis. She's been working out, and showering in the girls' locker room." There is a party in Scott Guber's pants at this point, but he does his best to look outraged, and kind of fails.

Back in Marla's classroom. She's asking another student more stuff about the Louisiana Purchase, and the student is semi-informed, but gets a few details wrong. Marla says, "Now get out. Go to the principal's office. Can't even answer a simple question, I got no use for ya. Who'd we buy the land from? Anybody? Anybody? All right, everybody out! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM AND GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE! OUT! OUT! OUT!" She's lost her rocker, as it were. She's a few loaves of bread short of a stack, if you know what I mean.

In Steven's office, Lauren is getting some bad news, with Anthony Heald on hand, I guess to stare at her and undress her with his mind and make her uncomfortable. "Security cameras were recently placed around the school," Steven is saying, "as a result of the recent rash of locker thefts. Tapes from the camerasI can't even say it. You tell her, Scott." Scott tells her, as simply as possible, the situation, ending with: "There is apparently footage of you showering. We don't know what's become of this footage." Lauren, incredulous, says, "What?" Now, obviously, since we already know the situation, we could have come into the scene right here, and not missed a thing. It could have even started with an incredulous question. But DEK co-wrote this episode with two other people, so his patented "techniques" are somewhat diluted, I guess. Steven says that, of course, they're worried that Cheryl Holt will get the tapes somehow, and Lauren asks the obvious question, i.e. "what the fuck?" Steven tries to explain the "misunderstanding" that led to this situation, and Anthony Heald rightly protests, because Steven's kind of wrong, unless by "mix-up" he means the mix-up that led to hiring a pervert to install security cameras around the school. Anyway, long story short, Lauren says, "There is footage out there of me showering." Steven says yes. Scott says yes. They explain how they're going to handle Cheryl Holt, which is, apparently, by begging her not to air the tapes if she finds them, and Lauren leaves. Just then, The Exposition Fairy comes in, but before she can even introduce the character to enter, enter she does. It's the mother of the girl who vomited at the morgue, and she gives a big long speech about how little money she makes, and now her daughter's shoes are ruined by vomit, all because of some crazy morgue-obsessed teacher. The shoes remain a central issue, somehow, and I don't feel like transcribing the whole speech, because it's self-consciously circumspect, and it bugs me. Suffice it to say that we now realize how pissed off the parents are about Harry's suicide club. The Exposition Fairy comes back in and says, "Marla Hendricks sent her whole class to the principal's office." Which is, I think, less amazing than the fact that they all went. Steven and Scott exchange a look of profound world-weariness.

Commercials. By the way, I was so happy when they voted that skank Jerri off of Survivor. I was so sick of her. I gather I wasn't alone, but I haven't been in the Survivor forums this season

In the stairwell, Scott chases down Steven and tells him that three more parents have complained about the Suicide Club, and Steven says he'll deal with it after he talks to Marla Hendricks. Scott also says, as they move from stairwell to hallway, that he'd like to do an administrative search of lockers, to find the missing tapes. "What grounds?" asks Principal Steven. "Administrative search. We don't need grounds." Buh? Someone explain that one to me, 'cause I don't get it. But in the meantime, I'm going to go visit my neighbor and arrest him. What grounds? Administrative arrest; I don't need grounds. Or to be a cop. Anyway, Steven is persuaded, and sends Scott off to do his nefarious work. He heads into Marla's room.

He asks her the obvious question about sending her whole class to the principal's office, i.e. "what the fuck?" Marla explains that her classroom is too crowded, "so I decided I'd weed out the ones who didn't really want to learn. How was I to know it was everybody?" Steven takes a pause that would have made Mr. Katimski proud, and then asks, "Are you taking your medication?" Marla accuses Steven of thinking that everything in life comes down to a peach-colored pill. But that's kind of broad. He just thinks that her crazy lunatic nut behavior might come down to that. Which, of course, it does. Or, as Steven puts it, "You life comes down to it. You don't take your medication, you're no good to me. And teacher shortage or not, there's no place for you here." She says she's taking her pills, and insists that, yes, she sent her class away because the kids are coasting, and there's some standardized tests coming up, and blah blah blah I'm-a-crazy-maniac-nutcakes. Steven tells her she cannot send her whole class to his office, and, as he turns to go, she asks, "What's my limit?" Frustrated beyond all reason, Steven breathes deeply, and then says, arbitrarily, "Five. Any more than that makes me think the problem lies with you. I'm sending your class back in." He leaves. She sighs, trying to figure which five students she will immediately send back out in her scene.

"Naked!?" We're in the teacher's lounge, where Marilyn begins a scene with Lauren by asking the preceding incredulous question. I guess DEK wrote this scene. Anyway, Lauren says, "Yes, naked, how do you shower?" Oh, man, this is my favorite scene ever so far. But then Marilyn says, "You don't need to snap at me." Instead of something like "Well, why don't I show you," or "I hate to shower alone," or "I didn't order a pizza," or, you know, some other line of the kind that would signal the start of a porno sequence. I'm told. By other, sick people who watch porn. Anyhow, Detective Souter observes that Lauren has been "real edgy, girl," long before the naked pictures of her began circulating. Harvey "someday, someone will punch him in the face, giving him a fat" Lipschultz is sitting in the background, and I've only now realized that him listening in on other people's private conversations in the teacher's lounge is, like, a running gag. I can't believe it took me that long to figure that out, but it's all so clear now. Anyway, he provides his two cents: "It's Harry. You two are at odds." Lauren yells back that they are not at odds. Harvey says, "Call me crazy then." A person would have to be very petty and cruel, not to mention lazy, to fire at a target that wide. Lauren says, "Oh, gee, I'd be the first to do that, wouldn't I?" Like, ha ha. Not. Harvey turns to her with sad-old-dog eyes and says, "That was hurtful." Marilyn, adjusting her newsy cap and puffing on her pipe, says, "It is Harry, isn't it?" Then she does some cocaine and tumbles to her death over a waterfall, entangled with her nemesis, Professor Moriarty. Aaaaanyhow, Harvey says, "Told you." And Lauren yells at him and storms out, while Marilyn nods to herself, with an expression ofwhat? Satisfaction? What a bitch. Harvey observes, "He doesn't communicate. Women like to be talked to. Harry doesn't talk."