Chapter Thirteen

Props to whomsoever invented the "Crossover Event." I think it was the guy who came up with the premise for "The Jetsons meet the Flintstones." What's his name? Oh yes. Satan.

Previously on Boston Public: The cheerleaders danced suggestively; Steven told Tina the cheerleading coach that her program was too suggestive; Mrs. Walsh spanked a kid; Harvey told Scott that she spanks kids for pleasure; Scott told Steven he was in love with Lauren Davis, and Steven told him not to go there; Scott told Harvey that he was a bigot; Kevin yelled at Milton for sleeping with Lisa, and Milton didn't care; Kevin lied to Steven about his knowledge of the affair; Scott fired Milton for sleeping with Lisa; Scott fired Kevin for not coming forward about what he knew.

And, previously on The Practice: a bomb exploded in an office, and some people got hurt; Kevin walked into the blasted office and said hello to Eleanor, whom he somehow knows; Eleanor told Steven she'd take him to court, and he was amenable to that scenario.

Okay, so, I don't know much about The Practice, and I certainly didn't see the episode where Coach Kevin somehow showed up at their law firm, but let's not let that stand in our way, okay? Okay!

Non-Coach Kevin paces at the law offices of The Practice, whatever their firm is called. "Would a court ever overrule the school board?" Kevin is asking his two lawyers, Eleanor and that other guy with the kind of squeaky voice, whose name I don't know. Eleanor answers, "Sometimes. The judge would likely call an evidentiary hearing; I don't think he'd ever overrule just on oral arguments." Kevin tells Eleanor that it's okay if she's rather not be doing this, and she says it's okay, "I appreciate the distraction." This means, probably, a distraction from worrying about whoever it is that got blown up in their office on that episode of The Practice I didn't watch. See, who needs to do research? I'm following this just fine. Kevin says, "How's she doing?" See? Now we know a woman got injured. Eleanor says she's still unconscious, but everybody's hopeful. Kevin again offers to withdraw, under the circumstances, but the Practice people aren't having it. Squeaky Guy says, "Our argument will be that they acted capriciously. That it was arbitrary to fire you. To do that, we need to show that what you did wasn't so bad. That it's all in a context." Kevin doesn't follow: "Meaning?" Eleanor tries to help: "Meaning it's all relative to whatever else goes on in that school." Kevin says, "You're talking in circles! What are you trying to tell me?" But she's not, really, and they've said it pretty clearly twice now. Squeaky Guy says, "What she's saying is, are you prepared to get ugly, to fight nasty, if we have to." Which is, of course, not precisely what they were saying, and now they ARE talking in circles. What they're saying is: if they point out all the stupid and arbitrary decision that I spent my first five recaps making fun of, then it will seem very odd that Kevin was one of the only teachers who got fired so far this year. I'm hoping they'll spell this out for him, and he'll say, "Speak English, man!" And then they'll say it even more simply, and he'll say, "Could you dumb it down a shade?" But instead he gets it, and says, "I gave that school four years of my life. I was a dedicated teacher. And they fired me without so much as a blink. I'd love to get ugly. Especially with Guber. Take Guber down." Which is all well and good, except that four years is not really that long for a teacher, and Kevin didn't actually seem to teach anything, he was a coach. And, not to belittle coaches, but they get fired for having losing records, let alone for concealing teacher-student affairs from the administration. So, basically, Crybaby Kevin, shut up.

Opening credits. I was hoping they'd splice in The Practice credits, and mix the two together, but no such luck. Mainly, I just wanted different music, but again, no such luck. Instead, we keep the "tune" that has helped make these opening credits into my recurring nightmarish fever dream. Hooray.

The school at night. The vice-office. Scott "Anthony Heald" Guber is here, listening to classical music (I'm pretty sure it's Mozart's "The Magic Flute") and going over some paperwork. Steven sticks his head in and tells Scott it's time to go home. "I want to be prepared. Susan says the judge may ask me questions. I need to be clear on what Mr. Riley knew and when he knew it." Good for you, except what stack of paper is going to contain that kind of information? Steven's about to go, but hesitates: "Well. I understand the decision to terminate Kevin Riley, and I agree with it, but I think you should have conferred with me, first." Scott asks if this has been bothering Steven. No, Scott, it hasn't, that's why he's in your office at midnight bringing it up. Anyway, Scott explains that "I never meant to usurp your authority, Steven, but I know that Kevin Riley was a friend, and I think that I felt I was sparing you from an awkward encounter." This is obviously a lie, and so I'm a little gratified when Steven starts to leave again, and then sticks his head back in and says, "Scott, you know, that just isn't true, it isn't. You fired him ten seconds after you found out he knew about Milton and the girl, you didn't have time to consider my friendship with him." Scott says, "This feels accusatory," which is the understatement of the year, because they're both about to start yelling. Steven notes that Scott also went around him when he tried to fire Harvey Lipschultz, which Scott denies, at which point Steven yells, "I am the principal of this school Scott! Don't you forget it!" Then he tries to walk away, but even though Anthony Heald is one third of Chi McBride's size, and Scott Guber strikes me as a physical coward, he levels his voice and says, to Steven's retreating back, "I only step in when you forget it." Screech. Turn. "I beg your pardon? Do you have something to say?" Scott, it turns out, does have something to say: "You would have found a way to keep Milton Buttle, you never would have fired Kevin Riley, you don't like making hard decisions, Steven, especially when it involves your friends." Yes, Steven is so different from the rest of us, who love making hard decisions, particularly ones having to do with our friends' jobs. Steven says, "I am capable of firing anybody, Scott. Trust me." Which is a threat. "Is that a threat?" says Scott. Steven says that it's information. Potato, po-tah-to. Scott says that, yes, Steven will stand up for himself, but "where the hell were you to stand up for Dana Poole and Lisa Greer. I only throw myself into these situations to save you the time it takes to page me. I do your dirty work. And we both know it." Wow. Good scene. And they fight for the rest of the episode, too.

The morning. Snow around the school. In the teacher's lounge, Tina, coach of Winslow High's sexy cheer-litas, is chatting with another young female teacher we've never seen before. I mean, we've never seen her before, have we? Did I miss it? The way she's written into this episode suggests that we're supposed to know who she is already, but I don't remember her, and I've been paying fairly close attention. Anyway, they're talking about Kevin getting fired, and how ridiculous it is, given all the people who have been guilty of far more egregious transgressions thus far this season and still have their jobs. Such as Harry Senate. But, oops, Lauren comes into the lounge just in time to overhear this random new woman saying, "You know, Harry Senate shoots off a gun and he stays. Kevin Riley keeps the confidence of a friend and they show him the door. What I want to know is who did Harry's parole officer go down on here to get him special treatment." Lauren, head in the fridge, nevertheless catches this last part, and perks up a bit. "What are you talking about?" Random New Woman Teacher is all, "Oh, the usual. Just how the school is going to hell because the idiots in administration are the dumber kind of idiots." But Lauren wants to know what they were saying about Harry, and when she gets persistent, New Woman says, "With all due respect to your relationship with Harry, I can criticize him if I choose to." This is true pretty much irrespective of any other mitigating factors; this woman, whoever she is, can criticize whomever she wants to criticize. But Lauren's all, "Oh? And why is that?" So that Random New Woman Teacher can say, "'Cause I been there." And walk out. I'm guessing she doesn't mean that she's been criticized, which is what, grammatically, her reply actually suggests. I'm assuming she means that she's been there, in Harry's bed, having sexual intercourse with him. Tina turns to Lauren, semi-apologetically: "She's a bitch. I admit it. But she's good company."

A courtroom. As a stern man with white hair in a black robe listens intently -- let's call him The Judge -- Eleanor argues with the school's lawyer. They speak in complex legal jargon, so allow me to translate it into layman's terms for all of you. School Lawyer says, "Kevin bad. He no tell on Milton, when Milton make jub-jub with student." Eleanor interrupts, pointing out, "You lie! You say untruth before the tribunal!" School Lawyer says, "You interrupt!" Eleanor says, "I must cleanse the tribal cave of your lies! Kevin did not do a thing. He not did a thing. And it is bad to make him go away from the school for a thing he not did, not a thing he did." School Lawyer says, "Your words are so stupid that they are worthy of laughing." Eleanor says, "Shut up." The Judge says, "Me need more. Tomorrow we speak with many villagers to hear true words. Who was it that told Mr. Kevin to go away from the school?" School Lawyer says it was Guber, causing Scott and Steven to exchange a meaningful, tense glance. The Judge says they'll start the evidentiary hearing with Guber, and go from there. I hope I made the complex legal wrangling clear to all of you. School Lawyer retreats to her corner and tells Scott and Steven they should get together to go over their testimony. Each replies with a curt "fine." Steven leaves. Tension? Yep.

The hallway. "A trial?" Harry says incredulously, thinking that he is the teacher most likely to end up on trial, and therefore having difficulty accepting Kevin's beating him to the punch. Lauren corrects him, "A hearing. Guber will have to testify. Maybe Kevin. I'm telling you, this is going to get ugly." Speaking of the ugly, and its complete and total opposite, Ms. Souter joins them as they stride along. "Marla's circulating a petition saying that they should take Kevin back." Harry says he already signed it; Lauren says something about how the union shouldn't bother with petitions, which seems like a strange thing to say, since the petition already exists, and she didn't have to do any work herself. Eleanor approaches their little cluster: "Are you Lauren Davis? I'm Eleanor Frutt." Harry's all, "The new wrestling coach?" Heh. She ignores him, though. "I'm here representing Kevin Riley. I hate to do this. Subpoena." She hands Lauren a subpoena, which is good because at first I thought she had just sneezed. "The likelihood is I won't need you, but in case I do, I have to cover myself." She turns to Harry. "Have you got a joke to go with that one?" Harry's all, "Yeah, but I'll wait until you leave." Heh. Eleanor tells Lauren she doesn't even have to be there; she just needs to be on call, just in case.

Starbucks. Awww, it's Milton and Lisa, having a cup of coffee at the place where they first met, where she first deceived him about her identity and triggered his long downward spiral into unemployment, humiliation, and ostracism. "Help Kevin Riley?" Lisa is saying, incredulously. Hey, it's David E. Kelley dialogue technique #8: Scene Must Begin With An Incredulous Question. Go back through the recaps and count. Seriously. I mean, look at the scene preceding this one, for example. Anyway, Lisa doesn't want to help Kevin, because he was a "total jerk" to her. Milton says, "He could have turned us in and he didn't. He's been a good friend to me. I owe him this." Milton wants her to testify on Kevin's behalf, and My-Fair-lita is reluctant and says she'll think about it. Then, Milton says, "One more thing. I want to talk to your parents." He sips his Grande Tazo Chai with nonchalance, and she stares at him like he's grown silly clown hair. Oh, wait.

Sanctum Stevenorium. Steven and Anthony Heald are standing as far away from each other as humanly possible while School Lawyer tries to explain their strategy. She tells them that have to maintain reason and objectivity. "Fine." "Fine." She tells them that neither of them can look angry up there. Then they start shouting at each other. "What if he's asked why he acted outside the scope of his authority?" "I did no such thing!" "He is the assistant principal! For him to fire somebody" "I recommended the dismissal! It was for the school board to decide" "I'm the principal!" "Why don't you just testify for Kevin!" And so on. At which point, The Exposition Fairy sticks her head in to announce that Eleanor Frutt is here. School Lawyer tells Scott and Steven to say nothing, and to invite Ms. Frutt into the office. She's not even through her first sentence ("I was just in the area handing out some subpoenas, and I thought I'd") before Anthony Heald says something: "Subpoenas for whom?" School Lawyer tells him to shut up, and then says, "Subpoenas for whom?" Eleanor tells them: "Lauren Davis. Harvey Lipschultz. It may not be necessary, I'm just covering all my bases."

But then she gets to the point. She acknowledges that Milton's firing was legit, but tells them they should rescind Kevin's dismissal, and avoid what could be "a very painful chapter." She tries to give a speech about how much she respects teachers, and especially administrators, but School Lawyer tells her to "skip the wind-up and deliver the pitch." So Eleanor looks at Scott and says, "I will hang him to dry. Like laundry. Dirty laundry. You do not want to go there." So now it's time for the Steven-Eleanor stare down. He gets right in her face and says, "I understand you have an injured coworker, and these aren't the happiest of times. But if you think you can intimidate me? Not gonna happen." Eleanor fires back, "You project nicely. You don't need to be in my face. But while you're here, look into my eyes. Do I look scared?" Zing. Eleanor 1, Steven 0. School Lawyer tells them both to shut up, and Eleanor is all, "Ms. Galipagamus [I'm not kidding, that's School Lawyer's name, and so I'll stick to calling her School Lawyer], I'm not trying to intimidate anyone. I just know what's going to happen and I'm offering you a nice conciliatory out." Ms. Papadopulous passes, and Eleanor books.

Commercials. Hey, speaking of Starbucks, I'm writing this in Bloomington, Indiana (don't ask), and guess what they have here, too? That's right. Starbucks. Small world, eh? There's nothing like total corporate saturation to make a person feel at home.

To the dulcet tones of "Shake Ya Ass," a series of snowy exterior shots take us to Random New Woman Teacher's English class, where she's teaching e.e. cummings. A female student is saying, "I'm fed up. A bunch of disorganized words, and he just throws 'em out at random. And if we don't get what they mean, then we're supposed to think we're stupid?" Then she quotes a totally understandable couplet that is not made up of random words at all, and it even rhymes, and then says, "Gimme a break!" Meanwhile, a male student is checking out the teacher's ass. She turns around and catches him at it. "What are you doing Calvin?" Nothin'. "What was April just saying?" Something about poetry. "Were you listening to what April was saying, Calvin? Or were you too busy checking out my ass?" Calvin, to his eternal credit, says, "I was kinda busy checking out your ass." Good for him. Random Woman Teacher with Nice Ass explains to Calvin how the world works: "When you grow up, Calvin, would you like a girl with an ass like mine?" Yes he would. "Well, here's the problem. This ass is like honey. Girls with bottoms like this have a lot of options, and they tend to go for the smart guys. And those tend to be the ones who paid attention in class." I won't bother to poke too many holes in herlogicbut here are a few: Since when do hot girls tend to go for smart guys? Since when does paying attention in high school make you smart? Anyway, Calvin gets the point: "To get the prize, I've got to keep my eyes off it." April chimes in: "Now that's poetic." Shut up, April.

Chez Greer, where Milton is making his appeal to My-Fair-lita's parents. He allows that "the spectacle has caused some embarrassment, I'm sure." But: "I never took advantage of a teacher-student relationship. We never had such a relationship. She was never in my class. Also, as you know, when we began dating, I thought she was a student at Harvard." Waving his mammoth ears, Mr. Greer says, "If you came here looking for me to forgive you" But Milton cuts him off: "I didn't come here for that. I came here because I love her. And I believe she loves me. And with your blessing, I'd like to continue to see her." Lisa smiles, gratified. Awww.

The courtroom, where Anthony Heald is now on the stand. Once again, I will attempt to translate the legal terminology into more easily accessible, everyday speech. Scott says, "Kevin bad. He no tell on Milton." Ms. Stephanopolous asks, "Do rules say Kevin must tell on Milton?" Scott says, "No, but Milton is very very very bad. So Kevin must tell." Now it's Eleanor's turn. "Harry Senate make jub-jub with Dana Poole," she says. Scott corrects her, "No jub-jub. Smoochies." Eleanor does that faux-perplexed lawyer thing: "So smoochies is good?" Scott isn't falling for her clever maneuvering, however: "I no say smoochies is good. But no as very very very bad as make jub-jub." Eleanor asks, "If teacher touch student boobies, he go away?" Scott says yes. "If teacher make student touch own boobies, he go away?" Scott says probably. "If female teacher make student touch own boobies, she go away?" Scott says yes. "If female teacher make fifteen girls touch own boobies for the leading of cheers dancing competition routine thingy?" Scott says, "We make her stop the booby-touching!" Eleanor asks, "That teacher go away?" Scott says, "No." Ms. Snuffleupagous has an objection, but Eleanor explains that "when school make teacher go away, we must know for why!" The Judge agrees. Which opens the floodgates, as Eleanor proceeds to bring up, in that order: Harry Senate firing a gun in class; Harvey Lipschultz being a bigot who lacks the mental faculties to teach; Mrs. Walsh spanking students for pleasure; Scott sniffing Lauren's hair after she told him his interest made her uncomfortable; and Scott receiving a massage from a prostitute. Of course, with the exception of Harry not getting fired over the gun thing, this is all irrelevant. Scott tried to fire Harvey; he did fire Mrs. Walsh and then lost in court; he cannot be said to have harassed Lauren; and he had no idea that that woman was a prostitute. Then again, Winslow High seems to be in a kind of wolf-crying situation. They keep trying to fire people and failing, so now they can't do it right when they really need to. The scene ends, amusingly, with Anthony Heald's prim insistence that "I thought it was a legitimate massage."

The hallway, where Scott, Steven, and Ms. Gallipoli have found Lauren, who is saying, "I never told anyone you sexually harassed me." Scott wants to know, then, where Eleanor got that idea. "People knew that you had asked me out, and maybe that it had maybe made me uncomfortable, but I never told anyone that I felt harassed." Scott rounds on Steven: "You. I told you she thought my advances were oppressive, you must have told somebody." Which triggers the beginning of another shouting match, until Ms. Megalopolis stops them: "All right. Hold it. It was probably a successful bluff. Eleanor Frutt got a little information, let us know she'd subpoenaed Lauren, and she played you." Then she demands to talk to Scott and Steven in private. When they're gone, Lauren flags down Random New Woman Teacher with Nice Ass, whose name, we learn at last, is Jenna. Lauren says, "It's not my place to tell others how to teach," which can only be a preamble to telling someone how to teach, "but I heard thatI justdo you really think it's appropriate to motivate your students with the message that the smart kids get the pretty girls?" This really is none of Lauren's business, and it's also a perfectly good way to motivate your students, and so Jenna's on very firm (heh) ground when she says, "I never said that. What I said is, the smart kids get the girls with the good asses."

Steven's office, where Ms. Psoriasis takes the principal and his vice to task. "I don't know what is going on with you two, but you had better work it out. Because if the judge senses animosity, and I can't see how he won't, it will hurt us. Look. You two need to be symbols of maturity in that room. Work it out now, and show up in court after lunch as grown-ups." Ms. Candidiasis leaves, and Scott and Steven begin shouting at each other again, until The Exposition Fairy sticks her head in and says, "Hey. She said be grown-ups." So they try. "I feel guilty about firing Kevin," says Steven. "I still believe the decision was warranted, but I neverthelesshe's a friend. Maybe I should be glad you took matters into your ownI don't know. I, in part, blame you. Well that's what's going on with me. Where's your anger coming from?" Anthony Heald takes a beat, and then says, "Your popularity. I'm tired of being vilified every time that I" Steven points out that every vice-principal goes through that, but Scott says, "I know that's true to some degree, but it's more than that. You're beloved and Ithe assistant gets the brunt, but Ithe only person who likes me around here, Steven, is you. And most days I can handle that, but sometimes I getI just get sick of it. And just allow me to be sick of it sometimes, okay?" The scene could end here, but instead we get, for some reason, a when-I-was-a-kid speech. "Nobody liked me when I was a kid, and when I went into teaching I knew I'd be a vice-principal. Because it's the one job where it's appropriate to be hated." This contradicts Scott's speech about going into teaching to be loved, like his favorite Latin teacher, from a few episodes ago, but who cares. "Do you think we should rehire Mr. Riley?" Steven thinks about this for a moment, and then says, "No."

Commercials. Hey, so, sorry this recap is late, everybody. As I mentioned during the commercial break, I am out of town, with only intermittent access to things like VCRs, my laptop, and, most troublingly, email. Which is to say that, whenever it is I finish this thing, I'm not sure how I'm going to go about sending it to Sars. But, oh well.

We're back in the courtroom, and Non-Coach Kevin himself is on the stand. But, as per usual, everybody employs frilly lawyer-speak, and so I must dumb it down for you. Kevin is saying, "Milton be bad. I learn of his badness. I say to Milton, 'No more make jub-jub!'" The squeaky little Practice lawyer who is not Eleanor is asking the questions, and at this point he asks, "You say this well to Bad Milton?" Kevin says, "In truth, I did. Bad Milton say he will stop make jub-jub, and then he tell me he is Good Milton." Squeaky Lawyer asks, "What followed in the moon?" Kevin says, "With eye and ear I begin to smell, and I learn that Milton is still very very bad. I say this to him, and Bad Milton tell me yes, he still make jub-jub, but also he loves the little girl. I try to make Bad Milton into Good Milton with my words, but I cannot. So I talk to little girl." Squeaky Lawyer asks, "Why for this?" Kevin says, "I want to know with my head that she is okay. I tell her go talk about make jub-jub with Milton to Big Boy, the village Witch Doctor." Squeaky Lawyer says, "Big wondering is this: you know with your head that Milton make jub-jub with little girl. Why for you no make big speech to all the village?" And Kevin snappily retorts, "Milton tell me big secret with trust. This touch my honor. If one teaching man must help another teaching man, and in some moons they must, trust is big thing."

But now it's time for Ms. Googleplex to ask some questions of her own. "You say Bad Milton tell you big secret with trust, yea?" Kevin says, "In truth." Ms. Godzillaversusmothra says, "How you first know that Milton make the jub-jub?" Kevin admits that he walked in on Milton and My-Fair-lita. "You see the jub-jub with your eyes? This is how him tell you big secret with trust?" Kevin equivocates: "In the first moon, I catch his moon and her moon. In the second moon, he tell me big secret." Ms. Magoo says, "But Milton say he no more make jub-jub, and this is an untruth, yea?" Kevin is feeling a little trapped at this point, but it's nothing compared to when, moments later, Ms. Malaprop asks, "Did Big Chief Steven ever make to question you about Milton making jub-jub with little girl?" The answer, of course, is yes. "Big Chief Steven is your friend, but you make lie to him?" Yes. "So, Bad Kevin, you did not just no do a thing, you did a thing, which was to make a big lie to Steven." Yes. "And if little girl's Big Father came to you and asked about Bad Milton, you would have made lie to him too?" Eleanor tries to object to this, it being speculation, but is overruled. Kevin says that he probably would have continued to cover for Milton, even if Mr. Greer has asked him about it outright. Ouch.