Chapter Ten

Before the episode, we get a disclaimer: "Due to some sexual content, parental discretion is advised." My roommate says, "Isn't this a show about a high school?" Word.

And now, the longest look back at episodes lines ever. Previously on Boston Public: Milton and Lisa got caught in flagrante de-basement; Coach Kevin threatened to turn Milton in; The Exposition Fairy overheard the tell-tale conversation; Lauren invited Anthony Heald to a dinner party, and he said, "As your date?"; Anthony Heald told Principal Steven that he's in love with Lauren; Anthony Heald told Lauren that he's thinking of adopting a baby; Harvey told a student that it was his job to get the student's black ass into college; Steven told Lauren that Harvey is a world-class bigot, and that she protects him, and Lauren took umbrage to the implication that she's racist; Anthony Heald told Harvey he was going to make it his mission to have him discharged, and Harvey promised Anthony Heald a war.

Okay. They promoted this episode up and down the line-up, with the tag-line "you'll never believe how this one ends." So let's settle in and wait for the big twist. And wait. And wait. Look, here are my two friends, Vladimir and Estragon. Let's all wait for the big twist ending together.

Lauren "less uptight now that I'm scorin'" Davis and Harry "John Ashcroft is going to be Attorney General because of all his cronies in the" Senate are at somebody's apartment. It might be Lauren's. Or it could be Harry's. He's reading a student's sample college application essay, and she's working on a laptop that's not connected to a phone line, which means she's about to surf the web and look at Cheryl Holt's website. Harry reads from the sample essay: "Life is like playing basketball on grass. It looks pretty and soft, but the ball takes funny bounces. When you fall you get dirty. In the end, it's about trying to score your goals without stepping in dog poop." Lauren says it makes sense, which is a lie. First of all, you don't score "goals" in basketball, you score points. Secondly, you don't "score" goals in life, you reach goals. Finally, basketball is fundamentally a team sport, not an individual one, and so you don't place your own desire to score points above the good of the team, which Kobe Bryant has to relearn every damn season, hogging the ball for weeks before he remembers that the team does better when he passes the ball occasionally. The guy's got fucking Shaq on his team, and he won't dish it off. But I digress. Suffice it to say, this is a bad essay built upon a silly and weak analogy, and Harry is right when he says, "Harvard's gonna say 'step right up' when they read this." Meanwhile, as predicted, Lauren is looking at Holt45.com. She asks Harry if he's seen it this week. "Why, are we on it?" Lauren says, "No, but Milton is." What else is new? Harry says, "What else is new?" Me and Mr. Senate, we've got the same sense of humor. But I'm cuter.

Anyway, Lauren shows him Cheryl's "content" for this week: a charming cartoon of Milton Buttle and Lisa "My-Fair-Lita" Greer humping, complete with porno sound effects. "I think that's a student," says Lauren. "Lisa Greer," says Harry. "I had her once. As a student." Heh. Lauren wants to know if there's a germ of truth in this, as there are in all of Cheryl's cartoons. Harry says, "Okay, first of all, where was the germ of truth in Milton's rectal equestrian face dive? Secondly, Lisa Greer is beautiful, and she also happens to be a pretty serious student. She'd be horrified to sleep with a teacher. Trust me. I asked." But could it be true? Shut up, Lauren, he said no, it couldn't. But as Harry looks at the computer screen and listens to the passionate cries of the animated figures mingling in ecstasy, he furrows his brow. He seems to be thinking, "Sex with students was supposed to be my deal. How come David Kelley chickened out on it with me and Slow-lita, and now Joey Slotnick gets to shmeck with a pretty young thing?" A question for the ages.

Opening discredits. Not many people know that Helen Keller, in addition to her other admirable abilities, composed music. She composed one piece of music, actually, and because she was blind and deaf, its notation is incomprehensible, and it sounds awful. It lay buried in the archives of her estate until it was unearthed by FOX during their search for Boston Public theme music. Now, hear it in all its glory.

This episode is guest-starring Heavy D, which means Mr. Lick will be back. That's good. I like Mr. Lick.

The hallway. A concerned parent is saying to Anthony "Scott Guber" Heald, "She won't talk about it, but I'm pretty sure she's being picked on." Anthony Heald jots this, or perhaps something else entirely, down on his clipboard, and says, "Mr. Banks, I assure you, I'll look into it." Mr. Banks tells Guber that his daughter would be upset if she knew he'd come to school to talk about this: "I told her I had some curriculum questions." Scott promises to investigate. Anthony Heald spots Principal Steven in the hall, and chases him down. "Lipschultz," he says. What-Now says, "What now?" Scott says, "I'd like to fire him." My-Office says, "My office." Just as Steven and his principal vice leave the hall, Coach Lamprey the Plot Parasite appears, being chased down by Harry Senate. "Kevin," says Harry -- because I guess, on the show at least, that's still Coach Lamprey's name. "Cheryl Holt's website has a cartoon of Milton boinking Lisa Greer. Do you know anything about that?" The Plot Parasite has to think about his answer. "No." "Why'd you have to think about your answer?" But Coach Kevin covers pretty well: "I was thinking about your question, Harry. It's ridiculous." Harry pursues the line of questioning anyway. "Are you concerned here, Harry, or jealous?" Harry says, "That's as funny as it is evasive." Which is a terrible line of dialogue masquerading as a clever one. Kevin pleads ignorance with finality, and walks away. Harry calls after him, "Nice mood, by the way. Hemorrhoids?" Oh, he's such a baby.

Marilyn Souter's classroom. A timid male student is reading a short story aloud. Okay, so I think I've got it now: Marilyn and Milton teach English; Harvey and Marla teach History; Lauren teaches Social Studies, or maybe History also; Kevin is the coach; and no one teaches Math or any of the Sciences. It's a liberal-arts high school. Anyway, the kid's story goes like this: "And as they looked into each other's eyes, he saw the reflection of the moon in her lusting pupils. Her lips were like red cherries. And he felt his heart like he'd never felt it before. Thump. Thump. And he knew it was the thump of love." Everyone laughs, and Marilyn says, "Hey, we do not laugh at each other's stories." But, apparently, we do. Some kid named Sam says, "The thump of love?" And everyone laughs again. Marilyn says, "Never mind." Wait, so, now she's giving the kids carte blanche to laugh at each other? Okay.

Steve's office. Steven and Anthony Heald. "Scott, might I remind you, we have a teacher shortage." But Scott says it won't affect the shortage, because Marla is already covering Harvey's classes. "That comforts me," says Steven, but he means so, like, the opposite. Scott says, "He's already received three un-sats. What's more, he's a bigot. He's a terrible example for the students, and an even worse reflection on us." Steven says, "His kids learn," but Guber says, "It isn't about that." Well, one might argue that it should, on some level, be about that, but who cares. Scott promises to be the bad guy himself and leave Steven out of it, and has come up with a way to cheat Harvey out of having a fair hearing: "If we present it that he should resign." Steven wants to know why Harvey would do that. "Because that way he can still sub. Steven, he's a loose cannon. One that's eventually going to blow up in our faces." I was hoping he was going to mix the metaphor, and say something like, "Steven, he's a loose cannon. One that will eventually drown us all." But he didn't. Just then The Exposition Fairy bursts in: "We've got a student down on the second floor. Paramedics are on the way." Steven and Scott run with her out the door, I guess to get a look at the injured student before he gets taken to the hospital.

Sure enough, some kid is unconscious on the floor against the wall. Lauren is asking a female student if she saw anything, while Anthony Heald and Coach Lamprey help the kid up. "I came down the stairwell and he was just lying there." Steve comes down and asks, "Any witnesses?" The girl looks at him and hesitates, and then says, "No," while branding the words "I'm lying" into her own forehead. Steven asks the fallen student what happened, and he says, "I don't know. I think I was hit by the stairwell door, or something, as I was about to go in. I'm okay." Steven sends the boy to the infirmary anyway. Meanwhile, Anthony Heald approaches the girl, the monogram of untruth still smoldering on her flesh, and says, "Ms. Banks, while I have you here: is everything going okay for you? I've heard some grumblings about school bullying, and that possibly you've been a target." Pulling out her branding iron a second time, she smiles weakly and says, "Not me." See, so she's the daughter of the concerned father from earlier. And when people make fun of her, she obviously knocks them unconscious.

A credit flashes on the screen: "Written by David E. Kelley." Oh lord. See, he backed off for one lousy (and I mean lousy) episode, and now he's back.

In the stairwell, Milton and My-Fair-Lita are arguing. "Listen to me, Lisa, we're starting a Shakespeare club." What? "Instead of never being seen together, we have to do exactly the opposite now. That's what we attribute the rumors to: we're spending so much time together that people started getting the wrong idea about us." Does anyone think this makes sense? Because the problem is the rumors started already, and the club does not yet exist. But anyway: "As of now, you're my teacher's pet. We're starting a Shakespeare club. Let them all talk, it's all innocent anyway." She tries to walk away: "I don't know, Milton." He grabs her: "If we're seen whispering covertly like this, that's what'll kill us." Um, yeah, so why didn't you wait to have this conversation in the privacy of somebody's bed, for example? "From now on we're open and notorious. Teacher and student. We're starting a Shakespeare club today. Go to class." Lisa runs down the stairs, and Milton runs up, and furthermore, runs into Harry Senate. "Milton, what's new?" Uh-oh. Is he going to pull a Coach Lamprey? What does this plot have to do with him? And Mr. Senate is not one to call someone else on breaking school rules. And it's also not really in his character to chide someone else for moral transgressions, am I right? But anyway, Milton says nothing's new, and Harry says same with him, and there's a long pause, and then Milton says, "Great, see you around," and leaves. Phew. Only Harry's got this glint in his eye that suggests he's going to pull a Plot Parasite later on.

Vice-Office. Harvey, looking forlorn in close-up, says, "You're joking." Anthony Heald says, "Yes, Harvey, I'm refining my stand-up routine before I go on the road." Harvey asks Steven, who is also present, "Are you in on this?" Doing an excellent job of keeping his name out of it and having Scott be the bad guy, Steve says, "Yes, Harvey, I agree with Scott." Lauren enters, all Perky McSunshine, and says, "What's up?" Harvey slouches over to her like a giant muppet and says, "What's up is, I'm being fired." Lauren says, "Why wasn't I notified as department head?" I like how hers is the only department that seems to have a "head," as though it's a position that the school just made up for her. Or, rather, that David Kelley just made up for her so that he could have a character to protect Harvey despite his blatant lack of qualifications. Blah blah blah legal-wrangling-cakes, concluding with Lauren's assertion that Harvey is entitled to a hearing because he has tenure. Harvey storms out. Lauren rounds on Scott: "Okay, first of all, your notice to me stinks. Second, you have to give him a chance to come in and fix whatever the problem is." Guber thinks, "God, she's sexy when she's mad." He tells her that the problem, i.e. his bigotry and questionable mental health, are unfixable. She insists on a hearing, and Steven says okay. Lauren and Scott lock eyes. He loves her. She hates him. But he's thinking, "In all the movies, this means I'll bag her by the end."

Back in Marilyn's classroom, a female student is reading a story, only it is somewhat different from "The Thump of Love." Or is it? Yes. It is: "Sometimes I'm half asleep when I hear him coming, and I choose to stay in sleep. I will myself from sleep to stay there, so I can dismiss the memory after as nothing but a bad dream. I always hear the click, the click of a bedroom door being shut can be deafening. And when he gets on top he always touches my hair, like he did when I was little when he'd read to me. Sometimes when he'd read, he'd change the story and add something silly, and I'd laugh, 'Daddy, no!' Now he comes in at night, after my mother is sleeping, and he changes the story forever, and I just cry to myself, 'Daddy, no!'" Sam does not laugh.

Commercial. Is that movie Sugar and Spice starting to look really good to anyone else?

The hallway. Cheryl Holt (rrrrrrr) is striding along, and Coach Kevin flags her down. He gets to use his very own name now, because it looks as though he may be developing a story line in which he is a central character. Watch and hope. "Come on, I need your help with something. You look fabulous. Boyfriend?" She looks down, demurely. Damn it. I'll kill him. "Wow," says Kevin. "I don't look like a cheerleader, do I?" I'm not sure what that means, but Kevin says, "You look sensational." Cheryl starts to walk away, apparently having forgotten that Kevin said he needed help with something, and says, "Good enough for Milton Buttle?" Kevin's all, "What's that supposed to mean?" Man, he has to play dumb a lot. Good thing it comes so naturally to him! AHAHAHAHAAA! HAHAaa! Ha. Hooo. Anyhow, Cheryl says, "Tell me what you know about Buttle and Lisa Greer, I'll grant your favor." He says he doesn't know anything, and seem to think this entitles him to ask for the aforementioned favor, so he says, "Look, Marshall Walker, Rickie Jacobs, Steven Blank, all beaten up." Cheryl says she doesn't know who did it, but Kevin insists she has to have at least learned something. She being such a tenacious journalist and all. "My theory? It's a friend of The Blob." The Blob? "Christine Banks. The three of them were picking on her. She supposedly discovered Marshall Walker. I bet she even witnessed it." Kevin can't believe it: "They called her The Blob?" Cheryl looks at him like he's an idiot. "Everyone calls her The Blob. They were calling her worse." Hmmmit's all falling into place. And David Kelley's even taking me into account by providing me with character nicknames before I even have a chance to come up with them on my own.

As Kevin vacates the frame, Harvey and Lauren take it over. "I'm entitled to it, Lauren." The hearing, I guess. But Lauren says, "That will become a legal wrestling match that they eventually will win." Hmm. Wrestling match, eh? I wonder if Kevin overheard that and got an idea about The Blob. We'll see. "Look, you need to prove that you're still fit to teach. You can't do that with a lawyer or a Union Rep. Let me do all the talking, okay? I will defend you." Harvey says, "Okay." Famous last words. Okay, indeed. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for Lipschultz. You just signed your expulsion papers, Nuwanda.

In Ms. Souter's classroom, which we happen to be passing at this moment, Marilyn is talking to the girl responsible for the harrowing short story "Daddy, no!" She's telling the girl, "It's not that I didn't like it, I thought it was amazing. Well, it seemed very authentic to me." The girl says, "Isn't that good?" Marilyn, choosing her words carefully, says, "Yes, butI guess my question is: is it real?" The girl says, "No, it was just fiction. That was the assignment." Apparently mishearing her, Marilyn says, "Jody, does your dad touch you?" Jody says no again, and Marilyn asks in another way, and Jody says no again and gets up to leave: "It was just a short story." Marilyn says, "Are you sure?" Jody says, "I'm sure," and goes. Marilyn watches her leave, probably thinking, "What the hell is it with David E. Kelley, and stories about older men and younger women?" The door shuts behind Jody, or, as we shall now call her, Daddy-No-Lita.

Mr. Lick's office. Mr. Lick is reading the story while Marilyn tells him, "She's not that great a writer. I've never known her to be terribly imaginative." Mr. Lick turns the pages back and forth, as though trying to remember how to read, and says, "This happened." Marilyn says, "That's what I think." Mr. Lick asks what Daddy-No-Lita said about it, and Marilyn tells him that she denied it. "Of course she'll deny it," he says, like the fact that she says it didn't happen proves that it did. He taps his fingers on the pages, as though frustrated by the arcane symbols there, and says again, "This happened."

The hallway. Harry chases down My-Fair-Lita. After the salutary pleasantries are dispensed with, he asks, "Are you sleeping with Milton Buttle?" What's his problem? Mr. "Senate"? More like Mr. "Senate Sub-Committee on the Confirmation of Whether or not Milton Buttle is Sleeping with Lisa Greer." Am I right, people? Anyhow, My-Fair-Lita says, "You know, Mr. Senate, I'm not a lawyer, but from everything I've read, that remark might constitute sexual harassment." Of course, everyone else at this school is a lawyer, so Lisa Greer might as well be one, too. Harry says, "I don't think a single question could constitute harassment, but maybe if I kept repeating itso, let's do that: are you sleeping with Milton Buttle?" Lisa smiles, being awfully coy, and says, "I'm not going to answer that. Not because I have anything to hide but, be the answer yes or no, it's none of your business." Harry threatens to tell Steven, which is an empty threat because once something's on Cheryl's website, Steven's sure to see it pretty quickly anyway. Which is likely why Lisa essentially tells Harry to shove it, makes some remark about wanting to play poker with him (I guess because she thinks he's bluffing), and goes upstairs. Harry smiles, thinking, "Man, I gotta get me some of that."

The big hearing: The State of Massachusetts v. Lipschultz. Harvey is saying, "I don't have anything against colored people." Steven says, "That's it right there. You don't refer to African-Americans as colored people." Harvey sighs wearily, "Steven, one day it's colored people, then it's Negroes, then it's Black, then it's African-American. I should just be safe and says African-American Black Colored Negroes. Is this why you're firing me? Because I'm off on terminology." Anthony Heald reminds Harvey of the opening of Chapter Nine, in which, when Irish Cop said there was a gunman in the building, Harvey asked, "Is he black?" Harvey defends himself, asserting nonsensically that, statistically, most criminals are black. Lauren looks sick. The capper is even more ridiculous: "It isn't just me. Even Jesse Jackson is afraid of them in groups." Yes, but now he's taking a break from public life, andoh, wait, he's back. Aaanyhow, Steven asks Lauren if there's anything she'd like to say on Harvey's behalf. Lauren says, "No." Steven says he'll give this some thought, and make his final decision tomorrow. "This is your defense?" says Harvey. Lauren can't even look at him.

The hallway. Coach Kevin chases down The Blob. "Let me ask you something. This morning you just came upon Marshall Walker lying there." She says yeah. "What'd you need the Neosporin for?" She begs his pardon. "Nurse Dryer told me you came in last week for some anti-bacterial cream." She says she can't remember. There are some obvious scrapes on her knuckles. "How'd you scrape your knuckles?" She says, wryly, "I don't know. Probably reaching for a donut." Kevin says, "Look, between you and me, you laid those guys out, didn't you?" She says yeah, she laid them out. "Why?" She says, "I could deal with being called The Blob. Don't ask me how, but I learned to live with it. Something about being called the Titanicthey said if you lifted up a fold of fat, you might find Leonardo DiCaprio." Kevin says, "Those were pretty tough guys. You flattened all three of them?" The Blob says that her Dad was a wrestler, and taught her a few moves. Kevin tells her to be careful, 'cause she could get suspended, but she points out that the boys will never tell, because it would be too humiliating for them. She walks away, and a ghostly image of her head appears, circling Kevin's, saying, "My father was a wrestlera wrestlera wrestler"

The dungeon. Milton sprints down the stairs and intercepts Harry Senate as he's leaving his classroom. "What the hell are you doing?" Harry says, "I'm going to take a pee. Want to watch?" Heh. "You asked Lisa Greer if she and I were sleeping together. Why?" This is a good question. I don't understand the psychology of Harry's motivation at all. Why does he even care, beyond idle curiosity? He's Hercule Poirot all of a sudden. He says, "Mainly because I want to know if the two of you are sleeping together." Milton says, "If you have something to say, you come to me." Harry starts to ask the question, and Milton yells, "No, all right? The answer to your question is no." Harry makes a snide remark about Milton not really laughing it off, and Milton gets in his face, and Harry shoves him and tries to pull off the line, "Hey, get out of my face. You don't want to go there," but fails, because he's way too boyish and white. Milton says, "Stay out of my life, Harry," and I am so 100 percent with Milton on this one. Where does Harry get off acting like this?