Props to the pilgrims. Mmmmm. Stuffing.
Okay, kids. Here's the deal. I'm leaving for Thanksgiving tomorrow morning. I won't be back until Monday, and if I don't get this recap in before I go, I will be on probation with the PTB. As those of you who still read this stuff but are no longer permitted to post in the forums know, one does not want to be on the dark side of Sars and Wing Chun. Thus, I must complete this recap in record time. I am producing this on the fly. My witty one-liners and crafty phrasing are appearing in real time. No time to correct typos. No time to check spelling and grammar (which I always do otherwise, I promise). For the first time ever, this is reality MBTV. No tricks. No gimmicks. A real person, really recapping, right before your very eyes. It is, right now, 1:10 p.m. E.S.T. on the West Side of Manhattan. Here goes.
Previously on McBealston Public (my girlfriend came up with that, by the way; I formally apologize for appearing to take credit for it in the last recap): Anthony Ward was stuffed in a locker by Malcolm White; Steven taught him a judo maneuver; Anthony Heald asked out Lauren Davis; The Sex Position Fairy asked out Milton Buttle; Coach Kevin was incredulous; Slow-lita had a crush on Harry Senate; Lauren reminded Harvey Lipschultz that his wife is dead; Coach Kevin (in another scene we never saw -- does ALL his material end up on the cutting room floor?) tells Ms. Souter that her song to Anthony Heald at the charity show pissed him off; we see the pointless song again; Lauren and Steve argue about John LaBlonde and his award; Mr. LaBlonde argues; John whines; Mr. LaBlonde tells Steven that John has no pulse.
The hallway. Lauren "Nun?" Davis and Marilyn "Many A" Souter are planning a Thanksgiving bash at Lauren's place when Milton "Not So Subtle" Buttle strides past them with a curt "Hello." What's with him? Anthony "Emotional Wounds That Have Never" Heald turns the corner and flags down Marilyn. "I need your quarterly attendance reports going back to...April of last year actually?" Ms. Souter is all, "Say what?" Anthony Heald explains that he takes attendance seriously, and wants the reports by Wednesday, and books. Lauren theorizes that Kevin, in the eliminated scene they slipped into the "previously" montage, was right: her stupid song at the show upset him, and he's using the attendance reports as a brutal weapon. Scary. A timid little freshman girl approaches and asks if she can talk to Ms. Davis in private.
Lauren's classroom. "I know I should probably go to Mr. Lick," says the girl, "but the actor who plays him had to be out of town this week." No, wait, she says, "But I just don't feel that comfortable." Lauren wants to know if anything's wrong. "No, no, everything's wonderful," the girl assures her, "can I ask that you keep this confidential?" Lauren says sure. "I need some advice on contraception." Lauren's all, "Birthcontrol.?" like she's talking about nuclear physics. Man, she is a nun. This girl, on the other hand, launches into a dissertation on the subject: "I hate drugs, I won't go on the pill. I keep hearing how diaphragms aren't reliable. IUDs can work bacteria into your uterus. This sponge thing, I don't even know how to use. And I don't think I could relax with a condom, 'cause I'd be too afraid it'll rip." She has some problems with enunciation, actually, so about half of those syllables are merely implied. Lauren is flabbergasted. As usual, it took less than two minutes of the episode for that to happen.
Chapter Five
Open trash compactor. Insert sitar and drum machine. Feed twisted hunk of wire and metal that emerges to goat. Record result. Refer to it as "Title Theme." Collect fat check.
No time to mock commercials. In fast forward, they look downright subliminable. It's now, by the way, 1:28 p.m. E.S.T. Are you people beginning to get a sense of how long this crap takes?
Lauren's classroom again. "You're fourteen years old! Your boyfriend is a senior!" she's telling the girl. Okay, I've given them ample opportunity to provide a name for her, so now I get to come up with one. Can't-Say-No-lita is all, "So? Uh-huh? What's your point? I didn't come here for a lecture, Ms. Davis. I can get that from my father." Lauren tries a different tack: "You're underage. He'd be committing statutory rape." Can't-Say-No-lita tries to keep the conversation focused: "IUD? Diaphragm? Pill? Are you going to give me any advice here, or not?"
The dungeon. Harry Senate charges through a screaming throng of kids to break up a fight between Malcolm "I'm Really Really" White and Jason "Not So Much" Harrelson. Malcolm is lying pathetically on the ground, cradling his arm. Jason seems more or less just fine. "It's broken! Aaaargh!" moans wimpy Malcolm. "Just relax," says Mr. Senate. One of Jason's buddies is holding him back, because Malcolm really looks like he could use some more thrashing.
Later. Malcolm is getting taken out on a gurney. Cops abound. Principal Steven bounds down the stairs and asks for an update. Anthony Heald is on hand to provide one: "Jason Harrelson and Malcolm White got in a fight. Malcolm's arm is likely broken." Thanks. We were there. Harry says, "I've got a list of seven or eight witnesses, but nobody's really saying much." Steven wants the list. It's scrawled in pen on Harry's palm. Heh. See, when they keep his wacky irreverence inside the realm of plausibility, I like him. Steven's not amused, though: "Copy it on a piece of paper!" Steven approaches the cop taking Jason's statement and says, "I'd like to keep this internal." The cop, in a kind of a non-sequitur, says, "After he finishes this statement, he's all yours." Okay, thanks, but that doesn't really address Steven's concern. Whatever. I'm on a clock here.