So that poor soul who stumbled out of the woods last week gets rushed to the hospital. It's in no one's interest but the FBI's that he survive, but Eli is thwarted in a smothering attempt when Van Alden shows up. Later, the Feds "abduct" the poor bleeding bastard, needing him alive just long enough to finger his assailants. Too bad he's not going to make it, so they bring him to a dentist (!), who gives the guy an injection of cocaine (!!) to wake him up. After throwing a Yiddish epithet Van Alden's way, it looks like the guy will take the secret of his attackers to his grave. But have I mentioned that Van Alden is a total sadistic God-warrior nutter? He sticks his hand into the guy's open gut wound (!!!) and gets him to croak Jimmy's name before he ... well, croaks.
Speaking of Jimmy, he's seriously struggling with adjusting to life back home, including being jealous of Angela and the local Sears Portrait Studio photog. With the gutshot ambush victim back in play, Nucky needs to do something with Jimmy, and Nucky gets a visit from Jimmy's ma, Gillian, who leans on the promise Nucky made years ago to keep Jimmy safe. So Nucky (and a baldly jealous Eli) order Jimmy to leave town. After another argument with Angela, Jimmy leaves for Chicago.
The news about Jimmy's part in the ambush also gets out to Rothstein, who sends Lucky Luciano out to kill him. (Of course, Lucky's got problems of his own to deal with, like for instance his gonorrhea and impotence.)
In other news, Margaret gets a job via Nucky as a dresser/model for a chi-chi French boutique run by Miss Jeunet, who is INTENSE. Margaret ends up waiting on Lucy, who recognizes her, then revels in her own nudity some more and is also a bitch.
Finally, as he told Mickey he would, Nucky hands over bootlegging distribution to Chalky White, who argues Nucky up to 35% of the share and also invents the term "motherfucker," at least as far as white folk are concerned. Mickey meets with his Philly gangster partners, who aren't thrilled about Mickey's lost territory. Chalky returns to his warehouse to find one of his employees lynched, not to put too fine a point on it. Nucky and Eli convince Chalky to convince his "people" not to treat it as such, in the interest of not sparking a race riot in an election year. I guess we can take some comfort in Chalky strong-arming Nucky to a 50% split, but it's not much.
Previously, Jimmy and Al Capone ambushed a whiskey shipment and killed four (or five, who's counting?) bootleggers who were in the employ of Arnold Rothstein. This drove a wedge between Jimmy and Nucky, set Rothstein off, and turned Capone into a dick. Then it turned out that there were five victims after all. And one of them was only mostly dead.
So yeah, after stumbling out and starting Mr. and Mrs. American Handjob last week, our gutshot friend is being wheeled into a hospital ER. He's grunting unintelligibly as he's wheeled past Eli Thompson, who walks in the other direction to meet an arriving Nucky and Jimmy. Nucky can't believe this guy's still alive after three days out in the cold. Eli's theory: "He's fat. He's insulated." Nucky is, as ever, perturbed, and his mood doesn't improve any when Jimmy swears that he thought they killed them all. Not wanting to be seen hovering over this unpleasantness for too long, Nucky tells Eli to "let nature take its course ... help it along if you have to" and to keep him posted. To Jimmy, he says, "You better hope he dies real soon."
A classy-looking guy in a top hat drives a classy-looking stagecoach led by a classy-looking horse down the streets of Atlantic City. For a moment, I'm transported back to my beloved Deadwood. But there are no whores packed into that stagecoach, only crates of Canadian Club. The stagecoach clomps its way into the livery warehouse, where Nucky and Chalky White are there, with Chalky's men waiting to unload the shipment. Chalky establishes his bona fides with his crew, promising to "take it out of y'all's asses" if any of the whiskey goes missing. (Nucky's retort of "Simon Legree" is somewhat lost on Chalky, and yet another example of how uncommonly well-read Nucky is, given the company he keeps.) Chalky surveys the take and tells Nucky with the 500 bottles he's got here, he could "mix it up" and yield 3,000 bottles to sell. How quickly prohibition leads to a diluted and unclean product supply. Nucky offers Chalky an 80/20 split on the profit, saying he provides the product, Chalky and his people will work their "magic" on it. "That's a whole lotta magic for 20%," Chalky observes. Nucky says that's the split he gave to Mickey, but Chalky wants 40. "What happened to 30?" Nucky asks, Chalky says he's charging him 10% extra for thinking he'd take the same deal as Mickey. "Didn't realize you were so sensitive," Nucky says. "Like a baby's ass, motherfucker," Chalky replies. They settle on 35%, then Chalky goes about instructing his crew. Confused, Nucky turns to Eddie: "What's 'motherfucker' mean?"
Speaking of harrowing medical treatment, Lucky Luciano is currently being treated for gonorrhea. And in the second Deadwood callback in ten minutes, we see the doctor's method for treating this is frighteningly similar to what they did for Al Swearengen's kidney stones. In either case, a metal tube gets ... inserted ... and in Lucky's case, antibiotics (or whatever they used before penicillin was discovered) are injected. Lucky, as you can imagine, is in teeth-grinding discomfort. "If I'da known this was the cure," he grits out in between screams, "I'da taken my chances with the Huns." Doc says he maybe should've thought of that before "intentionally exposing yourself to gonorrhea." That's one method of avoiding military service, yes. After the medieval torture device is removed, and Lucky starts buttoning up, Doc asks about his symptoms. You'll all the thrilled to learn that "the faucet has stopped dripping." But there is one thing ... "When I'm doin' it. Or trying to do it. With a broad. It starts out fine ... and then it just goes away." "The penis becomes flaccid?" Doc asks. Now...you've seen movies about gangsters before, right? And you know what happens when their human weaknesses are reflected back at them, even if they've totally volunteered that information themselves? Not to mention what happens when you, say, record that human weakness on the medical chart you're filling out? Right, so yeah, Lucky ends up holding a hypodermic needle to the doctor's throat and threatening him to tell no one of his totally hilarious impotence.
At the Ritz, Nucky is finishing up a phone call where he's pledging a charitable donation of some kind. Lucy is sprawled out on his bed, in her usual state of near-total undress, asking what he's giving his money to now. When he tells her it's the premature baby hospital out on the boardwalk, she tells him that place gives her the creeps. Then she takes out a can of body paint and scrawls "I Don't Understand Nucky Thompson on a Fundamental Level and Thus Am Ill-Suited to Him as a Romantic Partner" across her bare breasts. You'd think she'd run out of room, but her boobs are quite large. She also mentions that "Flo" Ziegfeld is in town. Eddie Cantor (the vaudevillian we saw in the first episode) says he's casting for his show. Nucky says he thought she was done with all that, but he says whatever makes her happy. He's pretty bored with her, obviously, but she gets his attention when she says she'd have a baby for him (even though it'd ruin her figure!). But as baby-crazy as Nucky is, he finds about eight reasons why this particular offer of conception isn't in the cards. Lucy's dumb enough not to get that she's been found wanting as a baby mama, so instead she just starts blowing him.
At the Darmody shack, Jimmy is glumly poring over a photo album, catching up on the years he missed watching his son grow up. All the while, Angela is sweeping up pine needles from the out-of-season Christmas tree Jimmy brought home last week. I like that image as a simple shorthand for the current state of their marriage: Jimmy lost in his own lost-ness, Angela diligently trying to keep the home on track. Jimmy asks about the studio portraits of Tommy and how he managed to sit still for so long. Angela says the photographer made him laugh. Jimmy notices Ange isn't using the vacuum he bought her, but she says it's too loud and scares Tommy. "All in the name of progress," Jimmy muses, somewhat nonsensically. He then starts talking about some newfangled gun that shoots 600 bullets in a minute, but Angela is annoyed that all he seems to talk about is guns and the war. "We used to talk about books."
Meanwhile, Margaret's at Le Petit Fromage or whatever, for her first day on the job. Madame Jeunet is a fancy French lady who's too busy perfecting her sneer to worry about hurting Margaret's feelings. She goes on an extended rant about the importance of Margaret bathing regularly, since she won't have her stinking up her couture. You know those Irish -- how they stink of Guinness and fist-fighting. Madame Jeunet also makes a crack about how dear, experienced Rosalie had to be "how you say, jettisoned" in order for Margaret to get the job. That job, by the way, is that of a dresser. She'll assist customers and sometimes model the clothing for them. Jeunet asks Margaret if she parlez vous any Francais, but Margaret only knows a few stray phrases. "And yet I speak your English," Jeunet sniffs. "Zare you 'ave eet." Stupid jerky French! I know we hadn't saved their asses from the Nazis yet, but just you wait, Miss Jeunet! Anyway, Margaret changes out of her dumpy frock and puts on a still-modest but undoubtedly more fashionable drop-waisted number that she really does seem to enjoy. And yes, she gives her armpits a quick sniff-check before she puts it on. I bet she smells of potatoes and Catholicism, the dirty Irish.
Back at the Ritz, Eddie Cantor is entertaining a room full of bigshots and their ... well, let's just assume mistresses and/or escorts. Maybe they're all Ziegfeld aspirants. Lucy's there, for one thing, and she's in sheer delight as Eddie sings a song that revisits the topic of just how much he prefers dumb girls. While Eddie and the ladies frolic, Eli shows up, drawing Nucky's attention away. Eli reports that his "taking care of it" was interrupted by Special Agent Lockjaw. Nucky's irritated that the Feds are now on this guy, but Eli tells him to calm down, that the guy will be dead soon enough, and by the way, it's not his fault they're in this mess. "Save the insolence for Jimmy." (UPDATE: Eddie Cantor still likes the dumb ones!)
Van Alden returns to the hospital room with a warrant from the Philadelphia magister and basically bowls over Eli's deputy with legalese, but the upshot is: the Feds now have custody and jurisdiction over John Doe. Aaaaand the thing we know, the Feds are trying to wedge Doe's fat, unconscious ass into the back of their car. The pipsqueaky one yaps at Van Alden about how many laws they're now breaking, especially since what he handed Eli's deputy was basically a gussied up search warrant. Certainly nothing that would justify abducting an unconscious man with a hole in his belly. (Guess there's something to be said about "dumb ones" in Atlantic City law enforcement too, then.) Van Alden merely admonishes Pipsqueak not to take the Lord's name in vain, and brushes off any legal concerns. "Down here? What laws?" He then throws a few bucks onto the ground for his fellow "officers" to fight over, as thanks for taking part in his little charade. You guys, I'm starting to think there's something ironic about Van Alden's pious law-n-order routine... Anyway, they set out for New York, as John Doe is one of Rothstein's men.
On the boardwalk, Jimmy horses around with Tommy, and for the first time, I'm noticing Jimmy walks with a limp. From the war, obviously. Tommy runs ahead, faster than Jimmy can catch up, and he makes it to the photographer's studio. One inside, Tommy is immediately swooped up into the photographer's arms and welcomed back. This familiarity sets Jimmy right on edge. The photog and his wife -- Robert and Mary Dittrich -- introduce themselves, and Robert, at least, is pretty oblivious to how uncomfortable and resentful Jimmy is at seeing how parental they are with Tommy. They try to break the ice by talking about how fond they are of Tommy, and Jimmy's "wife." Embarrassed, Jimmy tells them they're not married ... not yet anyway. Robert chats him up about the war, obliviously prattling on about those "thrilling tales" from overseas and how he "wouldn't have minded testing my mettle there." Jimmy, to his credit, does not make a show of looking underneath the counter for the spot where Robert is shackled to the floor. Anyway, it's time to go! Tommy doesn't want to and clings to Robert. Surely another pang hits Jimmy's heart as Robert has to tell Tommy to "be a good boy" and go with his father. Not to mention when he sends their best to Angela.
Meanwhile, on the Road to Sepsis, Pipsqueak reports that John Doe has barely a pulse to speak of. He's not going to make it -- he needs a doctor. Van Alden orders his subordinate to "wake him up -- slap him!" Squeak does so, with gusto, then pokes him in the chest: "Who shot you?" Nothing. Well this isn't going well at all...
...And here's where it gets worse! Van Alden and Squeak bust in on a local dentist -- in mid-drill -- and order him to wake up their witness. The kid and his mother look on in shock from across the room. Van Alden is just screaming at everyone, and ultimately the dentist stops protesting and gets some cocaine to inject into the patient, so as to rouse him from his (eternal?) slumber. He needs to administer two doses (in the mouth, where the Novocain would go), but once he does, BOY does it do the trick! Doe wakes up, gasping, and Van Alden is immediately on him: Who shot ya? What do ya know? Doe responds, but not in English. The boy's mother yelps in shock and covers her son's ears. Van Alden rounds on her and forces her to translate: "He says you should fuck your grandmother ... with your faggot penis." From behind Van Alden, Squeak pipes up, "Little faggot penis." Duly mocked, Van Alden slowly turns back to Doe, who is breathing quite laboriously, and sits down to him. "You wanna die here or at home?" Van Alden asks. "Tell me who it was." Suddenly, Van Alden JAMS HIS HAND INTO THE GUY'S OPEN GUT WOUND! There is so much screaming, from Doe, from the boy's mom, from the dentist. After an unbearable few moments, Doe croaks out that there were two assailants. "Young one ... thin ... one ... Jimmy." "Fair haired?" Van Alden presses. Doe stammers "masked..." and then mercifully croaks. Van Alden immediately (like, his hand of barely out of Doe's belly) goes into a kind of backwards Last Rites. Rites of the Damned, more specifically. "If any man worship the Beast, he will drink of the wine of the wrath of God," et cetera. "Isn't he Jewish?" Squeak asks, to no response but Van Alden's increasing volume as he continues to cite scripture. "They shall have no rest, day or night, they who worship the beast!" As he's finishing, and wiping his hand off, Eli's dumb deputy comes racing in, only to be stopped in his tracks by the sight of the dead body. "He's all yours," Van Alden says and then takes off. He's got a snake-handlers meeting to go to, I guess.
In New York, Arnold Rothstein is doing what he does best: gambling with a table full of complete amateurs with deep pockets. Facing a raise, he calls Lucky over to ask what he should do. Lucky takes a look at Rothstein's cards, furrows his brow, and replies, "Depends on what the other guy's got." Rothstein smiles at the ... let's say simplicity of his partner in crime, then corrects him on his grammar. Then he pulls some textbook stalling tactics on his opponent, who at this point is fidgeting and clearly very impatient for Rothstein to make a decision. Which is as good as a neon sign as far as Rothstein is concerned. He raises, the other guy folds, and another $22,000 goes into his pockets. The game then breaks up, and Arnold calls Lucky over for a quick conference. Word's already gotten back to him about the massacre survivor (our hollow-bellied friend was the sister-in-law's nephew Arnold spoke of last week.) Lucky asks if there's anything he can do. Why in fact, there is! "You can kill someone for me." He's got in on good authority that a "James Darmody" was one of the assailants. And he's confident Lucky can persuade Jimmy to give up the name of the other guy. So ... does this mean Rothstein's got a mole in Van Alden's unit? Or is there someone in Atlantic City who caught the way the breeze was blowing and reported back?
Back in AC, Jimmy's suspiciously youthful ma is getting her tarot cards read in a shop along the boardwalk. In case you're interested: she's very lonely, but there is a "dangerous man" in the cards... And right on cue, in walks Nucky. It becomes clear very quickly that Nucky and Jimmy's ma -- Gillian -- are well acquainted with each other. (As for the persistent online rumor that Nucky is Jimmy's father ... seems pretty convenient, no? Not to mention redundant -- Nucky is already Jimmy's father figure.) Seems Gillian requested to meet with Nucky in order to press him -- not "beg," not "plead"; it's apparent that Gillian is one of the few in Atlantic City not to kiss Nucky's ring -- to "honor [their] agreement" to keep Jimmy safe. Nucky denies that Jimmy is in any kind of trouble, but Gillian is neither blind nor stupid. She sees what a "shell" Jimmy is now, and she certainly noticed the necklace he bought for her, then just as quickly stole back. Nucky chalks this all up to adjusting to life home from the war. Gillian says he should've stayed in college and seems to resent Nucky for not being able to keep him from joining the army. "I'm not God, Gillian," Nucky replies in his own defense. With a glare that says it knows some things, Gillian responds, "Now you tell me."
In the middle of a rainstorm somewhere, Mickey Doyle meets three Philadelphia-based gangsters -- brothers, it seems -- at a diner. Seems these two sprung for Mickey's bail. These guys don't seem to like Mickey any more than Nucky does -- the "dumb Polack" remarks and all -- but they also seem to be in business with him far deeper than Nucky was. Mickey explains about being forced out in favor of Chalky. Interestingly, Mickey seems less of an asthmatic nitrous fiend in this scene; whether that's due to his darkened mood or if he tends to play the harmless fool for Nucky's benefit is perhaps something we'll sort out down the road. The point here is that the Philly gangsters don't really care for the hows and whys, just that Mickey owes them money. And they seem rather insistent that he get it for them.
Jimmy's back at home, once again poring over the family's photo book, and this time fixating on a shot of Angela all by herself, making a fairly sexy face for the camera. For the 1920s, this was maybe the equivalent of a Facebook shot of a girl licking her own boob. Jimmy takes another sip of his ill-gotten liquor and stews in his own juices.
At Le Poisson Rouge (or something), Madame Jeunet directs Margaret to a "very important customer" in the dressing room. Of course, it's Lucy, in all her eternal classiness. She's rude and dismissive of Margaret, and that's before she recognizes her as the woman who's come to see Nucky twice now. Once she does, the bitchiness gets cranked up quite a bit. Also the "watch me parade around naked and show off my crazy-ass body so as to shame you into thinking you could ever turn my man's head" gets turned up. She has Margaret pick out a barely-visible lace teddy, then berates her for not opening it up for her. Margaret could not be more uncomfortable right now if the Virgin Mary started breastfeeding on a park bench in front of her. Margaret compliments her on how she looks in the garment. Not about to miss another chance to be shitty, Lucy says she heard Nucky on the phone getting Margaret this job. "It was very kind of him," Margaret says. Lucy replies that Nucky was always "a soft touch for the charity cases." You'd have to figure she'd know.
At the Atlantic City post office (the only federal office in town), Van Alden's on the phone waiting to be connected to his Supervisor. Squeak is sifting through the mail, reading postcards and being's otherwise a shitty little ... well, pipsqueak. Van Alden chides him for reading private correspondence (which sounds ridiculous coming from a guy who so recently was clutching a screaming man's innards, but also weirdly fits in with his rather specific moral code). When he gets Supervisor on the phone, Van Alden reports that the witness died, but named Jimmy Darmody as his attacker. Van Alden wants backup to make an arrest but Supervisor tells him to cool his jets -- he's got to talk this over with the U.S. attorney and other bureaucratic whatnot. He tells Van Alden to go home, see his wife, he'll call him back in four days. Van Alden, unmoved, says he'll be right there in Atlantic City waiting for the call. "Go home!" Supervisor orders him. "...And good job." Van Alden doesn't seem to register that last part, and instead presents a grimace that would frighten Satan himself.
Jimmy comes to see Nucky, who has bad news (and Eli) waiting for him. He's been fingered for the heist job. Jimmy -- in a moment where Michael Pitt's ... let's say delayed speaking style really makes him sound brain damaged -- says that's not possible, as they were wearing ski masks. "The other one," Eli explains, not even a little bit sympathetic, though he does call Capone "Carbone." Nucky then tells a story of Jimmy at 10 years old, upon seeing President Taft and asking Nucky what it takes to be President. Nucky told him the usual: study, work hard, learn stuff. And lil' Jimmy said, "Gee, is that all?" Nucky's point? That Jimmy used to seem like he'd one day have it all ("like that kid in the Alger story, 'Raggy Dick'"), and then ... Jimmy's war service once again hangs thick in the air. Jimmy tells Nucky he'll do whatever he wants to fix this, and Nucky doesn't wait a second before replying: "Leave town." Where will he go? Eli unsympathetically offers California, to which Jimmy replies that he's got a kid. "And I got eight," fires back Eli, "which is why I think before I go off half-cocked!" Jimmy and Eli stare each other down for a moment, before Jimmy turns back to Nucky: "I never meant to hurt you." Eli, being a full-on gratuitous ass by this point, is all "You gonna cry now? Big hero?" Before Jimmy can give him the roundhouse he deserves, Eli pulls back his jacket and places a hand on his gun. So that's the kind of guy Eli is. Jimmy backs down and slinks out of the office, Nucky sadly wishing him good luck. With Jimmy gone, Eli turns to his clearly crestfallen brother and really lays his jealousy bare, asking if it were him in Jimmy's shoes, would Nucky be half as understanding.
Jimmy returns home and begins hastily packing a bag. Angela, as you might expect, is upset, particularly when Jimmy won't tell her what's going on. With the jealousies of the past few days piling up, Jimmy starts to make shitty comments about how Angela seemed okay with his absence last time. He pulls out the photograph he was obsessing over earlier -- her shoulders are bare! And that sexy look! He makes her feel guilty for not sending the photo to him on the front lines before mentioning how friendly Tommy was with Robert Dittrich. "Did you fuck him?" he finally asks. "Because if you did, I will go down there and fucking kill him." Well in that case! For what it's worth, Angela is reacting as anybody accused of such a thing would, and I don't think she actually fucked Dittrich. She explains that Robert and his wife, remember, befriended her and Tommy when they had no one (Jimmy notes that they had his mother, which goes without comment, but which nevertheless intrigues me -- is there a reason Angela wouldn't consider Gillian for support?). Angela tells him what a hell it was, not knowing if he was alive or dead, And just when things started to seem okay, he returned home, out of nowhere. Jimmy says he just wanted things to be normal when he got back. "Things were barely normal before you left," Angela says. "We hardly even knew each other." In Jimmy's defense, it takes time for a husband to let his wife know he's capable of blowing a man's skull apart at close range.
Down at the livery, Chalky supervises his bootlegging operation and asks his driver to bring the car around.
Meanwhile, Van Alden's at home with his wife, and it's pretty much exactly as you would expect: dark, moody lighting, utilitarian pot roast dinner which he compliments perfunctorily, schoolmarm-ish wife, giant open Bible on a stand in the corner of the room. No wonder he'd rather camp out in the AC post office.
Back to the livery, Chalky heads out into the rain, sick of waiting for the car to come around. He steps out and finds the car waiting, but no driver. On the door, somebody's scratched "LIQUOR KILLS" with a knife. Feeling the appropriate dread, Chalky turns around to see his driver hung from a beam above the doorway. thing we know, Nucky and Eli have arrived, and by this point, Chalky's whole organization -- women and men -- is in terrified mourning. Which is the intended effect of a lynching. The body is laid out on a table, and Chalky stands over him, telling Nucky that the boy isn't even 20 years old.
"It's a tragedy, Chalk," Nucky offers, with all the emotion of a bag of sand. Chalky doesn't seem so inclined to see things in such benign terms, but I guess that's what Nucky's here for. To make sure these black folk don't raise too much of a fuss over one of their own getting lynched. "It's an election year," Nucky explains. "The last thing we need is a race war." Chalky agrees to keep his people quiet -- "for the time being." Nucky, as perverse as he's been in three episodes, offers a cover story: "This man was cheating with another fella's wife, and the other fella shot him." Chalky takes this in, how not only was this boy hanged, now his legacy is going to be sacrificed on the altar of Nucky's political ambition. So Chalky at least puts a price tag on it: fifty percent of the liquor business. Nucky assents, then turns away while Eli performs the particularly nasty business of shooting a corpse twice so it'll comply with their cover. A handful of the women scream at the sight of it. They're right to.Meanwhile, Jimmy wakes up on a train with screams from the war swirling around his head. He looks across at a mother with her child and is moved to pull out the picture of Tommy he took with him. The train conductor walks through and helpfully informs us that this train is a Broadway Limited destined for Chicago. Hmm...
Back in AC, Margaret sleeps to her children, no doubt with thoughts of Lucy's hateful bouncing boobies in her head. And Nucky returns home to the Ritz. He comes in from the rain and walks to the elevator, only to turn around and see he's tracked in dirt from the outside. He sighs, then wonders if maybe he can get the Department of Metaphors to pick up the carpet cleaners' bill.
Joe Rwould hate to have to share a meal with Nelson Van Alden, though he admits the guy would probably be great at stuffing a turkey. He can be reached for lavish praise and nothing but at joseph.reid21@gmail.com.
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