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Almost everyone spends the finale overplaying their hands. Adaleen realizes that Alby has been trying to kill Roman, and spirits him away -- to Nicki's house. Bill is only too happy to have Roman in his power, and the UEB vote on a trustee looks like it's about to go his way too. In fact, it goes more his way than he wants it to, since they appoint Bill trustee and he doesn't even want the gig. Joey, Wanda, and Kathy are also staying at Barb's, and Lois tries to put Wanda up to poisoning Roman, in her continuing effort to have Bill put in charge (whether he wants to be or not). Bill's reticence proves costly, however, as it gives Alby time to rally the UEB board back over to his side. That leaves Bill with no choice but to install Roman back in power, in exchange for a clear hold on Weber Gaming.
Margene's going completely off the reservation; she's not only agreed to have a baby for Pam across the street, she's also invited Ana over to hang, which freaks out absolutely every other spouse in his or her own way, not to mention Ana herself when she learns the truth. Barb reasserts her power by outing the whole family to Pam, and then accepts Bill's offer to join the board of directors at Weber Gaming. Margene's so thrilled by Barb's support that she doesn't even know yet that she's been nailed to the floor.
In other news, Sarah tries to save Ben, and then quits saving herself, if you know what I mean. Adaleen and Barb have a first-wives heart-to-heart, even though Adaleen is technically a sixth wife. The episode ends with a big backyard bash, as Bill looks around at his happy brood and marvels that he actually pulled it all off. Except he doesn't yet know that he didn't, because as soon as Joey drove Roman and Adaleen back onto the compound, Alby had the lot of them arrested. Looks like there are plenty of battle lines to draw for season. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Bill has assembled the UEB board to tell them that Alby has gone and declared war on his family, like they should care. But I'm surprised to see that they actually kind of do. The members agree that Alby is making them all nervous, but worry about how to fill the power vacuum if they cut Alby off like Bill is suggesting. Bill again brings up his idea of appointing a trustee. He seems to be getting somewhere, so of course now is when Alby bursts in with a bunch of goons and, randomly, his young son to use as a short human shield. Bill tries to play his old "closed meeting" card, but Alby's "compound property" card trumps that, unless, as Alby says, Bill has a "peddler's permit." So Bill gets escorted out. Which should lay to rest the board members' doubts about Alby's high-handedness, don't you think? On his way through the front lobby, Bill locks eyes with Adaleen, but neither of them says a word to the other. Adaleen doesn't even mime destroying a tape for Bill, like I would have.
At Nicki's house, Margene and Nicki are busy making cookies (not a euphemism) as Margene goes on about how she doesn't have anything to wear to the after-parade party, now that she's starting to show. Which, at long last, I have to admit that she actually kind of is. I've read that the third season will pick up about a year later, so that bump will be gone one way or another by then. Nicki basically tells Margene to shut it, only more rudely. See, she's even more impatient than usual about dealing with anything not immediately connected to Nicki, since Roman's life is still "hanging by a thread." Margene's attention is drawn by a baby's cooing outside. It's Joey, Jr., because when Joey packed up his family and ran last week, disappearing without a trace, it turns out that they just came over to Bill and Barb's. So all that suspense over what became of them? Totally over. "I didn't even hear them come in last night," Margene retcons, and mentions that she's glad they're safe from Alby. You know, as long as they make sure to poke all the furniture with sticks before sitting down. "Barb's afraid to go into her bedroom alone," Margene adds. Nicki, probably torn between warring instincts to defend her brother and pointing out that she beats Barb because she grew up with the one-balled psychopath, chooses to say nothing.
The guard on Roman's sickroom has apparently been relaxed, because Adaleen is able to sneak upstairs and into the room. She finds him unconscious., half-sitting up in front of a cheesy soap opera playing on the TV. She barely has a moment to fret over his sad condition before she hears people coming and dodges into the obvious hiding spot. She's trapped in the clos-eeeet! Alby and his creepy-ass wife Lura (formerly referred to as "Mrs. Alby #1" in this space) enter the room, suspecting nothing. Adaleen has left the closet door open a crack, allowing her to watch in horror as Lura gives Roman a fresh dose in his IV. "It's so close," Lura whispers, and she leaves with Alby. Adaleen decides it's safe to come out and root around in the desk drawer to see what they've got Roman doped up on: Looks like something called Sensarin. I haven't heard of it, but I'm guessing it's not the generic version of Sensodyne.
Margene is across the street talking to Pam, telling her she can't have the baby for her. Of course, they're having this conversation on the sidewalk, because as much as we keep hearing about the Henricksons' secret life, apparently Pam's the one who won't let cameras into her house. Pam is disappointed, to say the least. "Whyyeee?" she whines. Margene starts babbling excuses, until Pam interrupts, "Carl's going to leave me." She starts to melt down, saying, "If I don't have a family for him, we'll have no family in Heaven." I'd submit that a guy who leaves his wife for not being able to conceive is kind of getting a little bit ahead of himself worrying about who he's going to hang with in the celestial kingdom. "I can't lose Carl," she sobs desperately, like he's such a prize. Besides his jerkwad attitudes about reproduction, he hasn't even showed up for shooting since the season premiere. Still, Margene can't hack Pam's helpless blubbering, and she agrees -- nay, promises -- to do it. Pam falls on her knees in front of Margene on the sidewalk and wraps her arms around her waist in gratitude. What a couple of fucking idiots.
Meanwhile, Lois is having herself a one-on-one meeting with one of the UEB board members, making a case for putting Bill in charge. Fortunately, she frames it in terms of Bill having the ability to represent the compound in mainstream society rather than talking about back doors.
Sarah and Heather have stopped by to visit Ben at work. He's all excited about how well the construction on the Home Plus Pioneer Day parade float is going. Apparently he was up until four the morning working on it, which is so much more healthy and normal than just having sex. Not to mention how excited he is about winning Bill's approval. Heather and Sarah clearly do not share his enthusiasm. They've come by to invite Ben to a "social thing" at Heather's church, which he rather impolitely declines. "Everyone's stuck up in your ward," he generalizes. This nearly pushes Heather off-message, but a look from Sarah keeps her on track. "You'd be a really great priesthood holder," she says. Ben says he's got that covered, and Sarah tells him, "Church of Dad doesn't count." This is already going south. Heather points out that Ben could have a temple marriage and a family, which Ben thinks is Heather hitting on him. Man, you let a teenage boy get under a pair of matching pinafores and he gets all cocky. Sarah April Blessings, "You don't have to do this. We don't have to be victims of Mom and Dad's choices. They're a cult." Oops, kind of went too far at the end there, and Ben's getting predictably pissed off. Sarah goes on to say that they want to take Ben to meet some "Lost Boys," and when he claims to be happy at home, Heather brings up Stockholm Syndrome. Whose victims are always so receptive to the idea that they're experiencing it. As we now see: Ben yells at Heather to shut up, Sarah calls him an idiot, and he storms off. Yeah, teenagers probably shouldn't try to do interventions on their own.
Margene is back home, telling an unseen person about what just happened with Pam, and adding that whoever she's talking to is "the only one who listens to me." And, see, on any other show, she would be talking to Baby Lester, or the mirror, or one of the kitchen appliances. But in this case, it's Ana. Yay! Ana asks Margene what her husband "Phil" thinks about all of this. So Margene, her eyes all a-twinkle, tells Ana how happy she is that they "re-connected," and how much she missed her, and that Phil is Bill. Margene is about to go into a whole babblefest about how she hated not telling Ana, but then she notices that Ana is not so much with the breathing right now. Margene gets her into a chair and calms her down, and then Ana uses her very full breath to get her ass out of there.
Bill's got a guest at his Home Plus office: it's the ATF agent who failed to nab Hollis and Selma Greene a few weeks ago. And she's really not any more impressed with him than she was before. So who does Bill want her to not take out for him this time? Well, Alby, of course. Bill slightly trumps up the case against Alby, saying that he's leading his people by fear. "The community expects to be stormed and is arming themselves accordingly." "So you're putting a Waco in my lap?" the agent asks. Bill modestly says that the ATF can find their own Wacos; he's just giving her inside info. The agent asks, "What do you keep doing to get in so much trouble with bad guys?" Bill's lawyer, who is also present, takes exception to that, as though the obvious answer isn't "Just being really, really good." She's suspicious of Bill's motives here, especially in light of what she's heard about the Weber Gaming deal and the ensuing "bidding wah." Yes, she still has her Boston accent. Instead of explaining himself, Bill just hands her a contact sheet for the UEB board so she can call them up herself and ask how they feel about Alby. And scare the crap out of them in the process so they'll vote on the trustee like Bill wants them to. "And we've never had this conversation," he adds. How will she react to being used like this? Well, it would have to occur to her that it's happening, and since she was unaware that factories may have more than one exit, I think Bill is safe.
Barb is prepping dinner as Kathy and Wanda go through the kitchen on their way to their little nest in the basement, the former holding Joey, Jr. Barb's phone rings, and it's Nicki calling from door to alert her to the fact that Bill's been to the compound today. "I didn't go through his briefcase or his pockets but I will as soon as I can," Nicki hisses. Barb does not take the high road. Bill, meanwhile, is already on his way into Barb's kitchen, so Barb just vaguely answers Nicki's promises to dig deeper, and hangs up just in time to receive a kiss from Bill. Sure enough, all Bill tells Barb about his day is that the parade float is going fine. "Your son's doing a good job," he says. Said son is currently watching a news report about the upcoming Pioneer Day parade with Wayne, and giving his little brother a side lecture about the Brigham Young statue having been dropped from the route being some kind of manifestation of modern hypocrisy. Bill asks how she and Ben are getting along, and she says he's merely polite. "It's horrible," she says. Bill says he'll talk to him and make him respect her. Barb says she doesn't want Ben's respect, but his love.
Could it be a coincidence that we then segue to a scene with Sarah and Scott? She's over at his apartment, trying to explain to him why she's trying so hard to save Ben. "You're not even thinking, Sarah," he condescends. "You don't know me well enough to say that," she responds. So Scott, marvel of marvels, figures out that she's still mad at him. He says she can't save her brother, and she admits that she knows. Well, as long as that's out there.
Ana has come back over to Margene's house to confront her, asking if she was trying to trick her earlier in the season. "Do you do this with other women?" she demands. "Is this how you get wives?" Margene insists that this was really a one-time thing, and that she and Bill both fell for Ana. Ana claims to be over Bill, and to be dating someone "better in every way." It's almost convincing, too. Margene apologizes, and Ana says that while she knows Margene is a good person, it was still a betrayal. Margene gets that. "I just wanted so much to have you as a sister and a friend," she adds. Ana softens, and says it's understandable, with the way Barb and Nicki boss Margene around. Margene sort of laughs in rueful agreement and relief. What a shame that Ana couldn't be brought into the fold to get bossed around by Barb, Nicki, and Margene.
Nicki's back at the Bingo parlor, sitting to some crazy tracksuit lady who's got her cards completely surrounded by bells for some reason. Nicki's cell phone rings, and she hears, "We're at your house. Come home right away. Now!" It's Adaleen. And Nicki's kids are…where?
Nicki hurries into her house to find Roman laid out on her living room sofa. Adaleen shows Nicki the vial of dope that Roman's full of. "He became wild in the car. I had to give him two Ativan, a Percocet, and three Ambien." Yeah, good thing she got him away from the crazy daughter-in-law who was pumping him full of drugs, right? Nicki asks who knows. "If anyone knew, I'd be shot," Adaleen says, not explaining how she not only physically carried her husband out of the house and into her car, but did so without alerting any of the guards. Nicki blames Alby, and Adaleen says it's actually Lura's fault. She embarks on a whole paranoid, Nicki-esque rant about how the two of them will bring down all the Grants, they'll be thrown out of the big house, and she herself will be reassigned to "God knows who." Better hope it isn't Frank. Nicki tells her to calm down. Adaleen throws down a bundle of cash, saying she can pay for the inconvenience, medical expenses, and new pajamas for Roman because Alby and Lura never bothered changing him. So maybe also a new sofa would be in order, then. Adaleen asks to stay, and without looking at Nicki, she tries to clear the air about their "recent harsh words" without actually apologizing. "I had to honor my husband," she insists. So Adaleen cut off Nicki, and Nicki had a demolition derby with a freezer in front of Adaleen's house, and now they're even? Okay, I suppose that sounds about right. I don't know.
It's nighttime, and Lura and Alby have just now discovered Roman's empty bed. "What are the chances he'll die on his own?" Alby wonders, clearly thinking that Roman left under his own steam. That's the thing about prophets; they tend to be pretty stubborn about not dying before they're damn good and ready. Lura admits it's possible, and wonders what they do now. "We've come to far to turn back now," Alby says, which causes Lura to start amorously mauling him. Fortunately, the scene ends before we have to watch them start fucking on Roman's abandoned sickbed. Which probably smells like old-man poo anyway.
Adaleen is struggling to back her blue Hummer into Nicki's driveway, and she's having quite a bit of trouble, despite (or perhaps because of) Nicki's coaching from the sidelines. She ends up backing into the garbage cans and making quite the commotion, ending up with the two women screaming at each other. Which of course brings Bill running from door to see what's going on.
thing you know, he's standing with Nicki to one side of him and Barb on the other. They're watching as Roman, who has been moved up to a bedroom in Nicki's house, undergoes an examination by a doctor who apparently makes late-night house calls. Adaleen is also in the room, as is Margene, looking like she'd rather be in her own bed. The doctor gives his diagnosis: Roman should really be dead by now, although he doesn't say specifically from what. He does forbid them to give Roman any more sedatives of any kind, and adds that what Lura was using on him is for veterinary use only. They didn't even spring for human drugs? Actually, forget I said that. I'm in a position to know that cat drugs, for example, aren't cheap, and insurance doesn't cover them. Maybe I should give Alby credit for not just shooting Roman's motionless form with a tranq dart every few hours. The doctor and Bill step out in the hallway, as Barb hisses to Nicki that Roman can't stay and needs to go to the hospital. Nicki says he'll be too vulnerable to the Greenes and his enemies, which she doesn't mention currently include Alby, because we already know that Alby can enter their homes at will, with or without poisonous reptiles. Margene wearily says that Nicki's father should stay. "Do you want snakes in your bed, Margene?" Barb asks her. Adaleen wonders when Barb became so sarcastic. Barb doesn't actually have an answer for that, even though the reason came out from under Adaleen's skirt. Nicki gets all high-minded and says it's no accident that Roman is there. "We're intended to restore him," she says loftily.
Out in the hallway, the doctor tells Bill that Roman should be in the hospital. Bill thanks him and sends him off with a wad of cash. He's about to go back into the room, but Adaleen intercepts him and quietly reminds him that he owes her, big time. Bill goes back in and lies to everyone that the doctor advised against moving Roman, so he's staying. Adaleen is about to go call people to tell them Roman's safe, but Bill shoots that idea down, saying that it's safer for Roman if no one knows he's there, or even that he's alive. Best to keep things quiet, and keep the phone calls and late-night Humvee-parking to a minimum. Is Bill really trying to do the right thing by Nicki and his in-laws, or is he just reluctant to let his vulnerable mortal enemy out of his thrall?
Well, here's a scene with him and Joey in Barb's basement to provide the answer. The two of them are whispering to keep from waking Kathy and Wanda. Joey's amazed that Roman's there in Bill's homes. Bill agrees: "It's like Halley's Comet or Skylab landed in the back yard." Except that they weren't all instantly killed on impact when they found themselves at the epicenter of a Tunguska-sized explosion. Yet. Bill says they need to hold that UEB vote on the trustee tomorrow, before Roman wakes up and reclaims power for himself. "This is our chance to get rid of the Grants forever," he says. Not including the one he's married to, presumably. Joey needs to think about this for a minute, because he's the one who's going to have to go down there and cast his and Bill's vote. Bill glances over at the mattress on the basement floor, just as Wanda snuggles up to Kathy in their sleep. Joey wants to have a little thought experiment about how different their lives would be if Roman had never taken over. "You mean if we were still living in the big house?" Bill says. What a thought. Can you imagine Bill and Joey running the place, with Creeker wives and pompadours of their own, driving their Humvees around the wrecked freezers littering the street out front? Bill thinks Roman's delivery into his hands is a sign. "I stood there looking at that old man, so helpless and frail…and I wanted to put a pillow over his face." Bill's personal brand of religion isn't always so much with the forgiveness, is it?
The morning, Nicki enters Barb's kitchen to find her savagely curling ribbons on a cake decoration that features these adorable little covered wagons in Home Plus colors. "Can't cancel Pioneer Day," she spits. Nor can you change it to "Pioneer Howdy Days," which is what Bill called it last week. As one emailer was kind enough to point out, Pioneer Day is an actual Utah state holiday, commemorating the arrival of Brigham Young and his people in the Salt Lake Valley. "Pioneer Howdy Days," by contrast, sounds like a sale at the auto mall. I'm glad they've made the correction, given how important the holiday is going to end up being in this episode. Nicki's got more a more immediate concern, and she announces, "That Bavarian waitress is here. And not only that, she knows that we're sister-wives." Bavarian waitress? Why would you ever say that when you could say "Serbian server"?
So Margene has Barb and Nicki over at her house, facing off with them with Ana at her side for moral support. Which I'm thinking is counterproductive at the very least. Margene is trying to frame her new neighbor-baby-having wishes as a "calling." If by "calling" you mean "total inability to tell people no," then Margene is right on. Ana chimes in that she agrees with Margene. Barb can't exactly call bullshit in front of the company, so she agrees that while "it's important to be valued…one has to feel valued in proportion to the larger interest." Nicki says this is a personal conversation, and Margene asks her define "personal." Does it mean a wife and her husband, or "a wife, a wife, a wife, and their husband?" Nicki says either way, it's not for "a wife, a wife, a wife, and a new friend." Point to Nicki, especially since I thought she was going to say something a lot worse there. Margene claims to be getting tired of all the secrecy around their lives. Barb says something about discretion. "And I think our husband will have strong feelings on this matter," she adds. "His name's Bill," Margene tells Ana, who utters a soft, "Oh," as if she didn't already know that. Nicki and Barb look suspicious, because they're not the idiots Margene thinks they are. Or, arguably, the idiots that Margene is. Man, she was doing so well this season, and now she's trying to accomplish everything at once and she's just going to end up getting thumped.
After Margene happily waves goodbye to Ana, she runs into Nicki, still lying in wait for her in her house. "Of all the boneheaded times!" Nicki bitches. Margene protests that Ana is her friend, and that she wants equality with Nicki and Barb. Nicki angrily explains exactly why that's a non-starter: "You're the youngest and the shiniest, and the newest, and arguably, somewhat attractive. You don't get to have those things and share equal power with us!" She's about to storm out, as Margene tells her they can't keep her locked up, "like some princess in a bottle." And the historical evidence of that is? Nicki decrees she doesn't want Ana in their houses, saying, "Bill would not approve!" Margene says pretty confidently that Bill would, and that brings Nicki up short. "It just so happens Bill dated Ana," Margene says. Nicki processes this bombshell faster than a Pentium chip. While still dealing with the initial shock, she seizes on the past tense, then swallows her feelings entirely. "Our husband's dating life is none of our business," she reminds them both. How much fun would it be to play this character who always gets to say things that no one else in the world would ever say? Nicki leaves, ordering Margene not to tell Barb. "Or she'll be out the door in two seconds flat!" Again.
The Home Plus float is set up in the warehouse, in front of all of the assembled employees. Bill announces the Home Plus entry into the Pioneer Day parade, which is not just the float, but about a dozen tween dancers in blue-and-white cowgirl outfits. They go into a somewhat age-inappropriate dance routine to "Stupid Cupid." Everyone watches happily, which only makes me more embarrassed for all of them. This goes on way too long, until finally Bill glances toward the back of the room and spots Joey there. He makes his way over to his brother, totally blowing off the dancers. I'm beginning to question his commitment to Sparkle Motion. All breathless with success, Joey tells Bill that they voted on the trustee -- and it's Bill. This would probably be more of a surprise to us viewers if the name of a single other candidate had ever come up. More surprising is the fact that Bill is horrified to have gotten the nod. "I've got two stores, a new business, and three wives who'd skin me alive!" Plus the commute is a bitch. They argue briefly over whether the Heavenly Father has called Bill, and Bill demands a new vote. Joey alerts Bill that Alby has declared an emergency, and has filed a missing persons report on Roman. "Everyone's worried, and it doesn't sound like Alby's folding, and now you're holding a missing person." Bill doesn't care: "As long as I have Roman stuck in a bed in my house, I'm the one who decides what the rules of this game are." They're going to revote tomorrow, he insists. Stupid Bill. I don't blame him one bit for not wanting to head the UEB, and am actually kind of impressed. But he can't see this victory for what it is, and he'll risk fucking it up entirely rather than taking it now and fixing it later. Once again, it's Bill's way or the highway. You hear that, God?
There's a vigil going on outside the big house at Juniper Creek, with Creekers thronging the front fence and burying it in flowers, photographs of Roman, and stuffed animals. It's like Buckingham Palace after Diana died, as reenacted by the cast of Little House on the Prairie. Alby comes out of the house with his wives and children to walk among his people. Some guy comes up to him to break the news that Bill's been elected Chairman of the Board. Alby looks around at the devoted crowd in front of his house and slimes, "The board should reflect the people's wishes." Sounds like Alby has a plan.
Teeny is making herself a peanut-butter sandwich in Barb's kitchen, while quietly humming the crap-pop classic "Everyone Knows It's Windy" to herself. Could she be maybe petting a bunny or something? I just don't think this scene is wholesome enough. Ah, here we are; the kitchen window is in the background, and through it we can see Roman wander by and peer inside. He comes inside, wearing a tan raincoat over his pajamas and a recently-unfrozen-Austin-Powers hairstyle. Teeny's humming trails off. "What's that?" he asks her, pointing at her sandwich and looking completely unhinged. She answers nervously. Roman excitedly says, "Make me a sandwich for work. And some of the other fellas forgot their sandwiches too!" Teeny excuses herself, promising to be right back. Initially puzzled by Teeny's odd behavior, Roman shrugs and tucks into the sandwich.
Margene is having some quality time with Aaron on the couch, when she decides to get up and have a look out the front window. And there's Roman, sitting cross-legged on the strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street, like he's prepared to wait all day for the bus. "Oh, God," Margene blurts, and darts for the phone. Okay, both those scenes were funny, but not funny enough to keep both of them when one would have covered it.
Bill's in his car in downtown SLC when Margene calls, telling him that Nicki's on her way and Roman's back upstairs, but she doesn't know how to answer all the questions Roman's asking. "I'm on my way," Bill promises, and in fact he's pulling up to the houses before he's even hung up. Wow, he wasn't kidding. If that's what Salt Lake City traffic is like, that more than makes up for their constant lack of news.
Still in his dark suit and red power tie, Bill delivers a meal tray to Roman's sick room. Roman seems to have his shit together by now; he's watching the news on TV and he's got a bunch of newspaper clippings and videos scattered around him on the bed. The videos, I'd bet money, are recordings that Nicki made of news reports about Roman. He lets us know just where his memory left off by saying, "It seems I've been shot." But he's ready to get right back into it. "Get me the Quorum of Twelve," he instructs. Bill says there isn't one: "Your son disbanded them." Also, this ain't Battlestar Galactica, Sunshine. Bill advises Roman to keep cool and gather his strength. "Why?" Roman asks suspiciously. Bill didn't think that far ahead, so he just tells Roman that he needs to "return strong, in triumph." Roman says Adaleen brought him up to speed, and that the Greenes appear to have been behind the shooting. He asks if Bill believes it. Bill stutters that two Greenes are in jail, while Hollis and Selma are on the run in Mexico. What a testament to Bill's skills as a liar that even when he's telling the truth he manages to look dishonest. Roman can't wait to get his hands on the Greenes: "When you attack the prophet, you are attacking God! The same goes for you, Bill." He advises Bill to confess and repent anything he might have done to put Roman in this position. Bill tells Roman to take that up with Alby, who almost succeeded in killing him. "How it must hurt to have your own son turn against you," Bill mocks, and tells Roman to rest. He leaves Roman to sit and pout over the undercooked chicken a la king Nicki made. Doesn't Nicki realize that when you give salmonella to the prophet, you're giving salmonella to God?
So then Bill goes outside, climbs a ladder, and starts fucking around with the phone box outside Nicki's house. When she asks what he's up to, Bill says it's "safer" for Roman if he can't call anyone. If Bill makes Roman any safer, he's going to kill him after all.
In the scene, Lois has stopped by. She and Bill are arguing in the backyard as he realizes that she was the one who lobbied for his appointment as UEB chairman. "I don't want it," he insists. "You have no idea how much you've gummed up the works!" Our Lois? Nawww. Lois claims to have good political instincts: "I went way out on a limb as a girl for Barry Goldwater." Can both of those statements be true? Barb, who's gotten tired of listening to this from the kitchen, charges out into the yard and snaps at Lois that Bill wants out. Lois says that's too bad. "You can't just choose your own destiny," she mocks. Indeed, those books have gotten pretty hard to find. "This goes way back before your marriage," she adds dismissively. Bill speaks in Barb's defense, but Barb is quite capable herself of telling Lois to back off. Also, Lois is quite capable of refusing to do so. The doorbell rings, and Lois gives Barb an infuriating you gonna get that? look, like this means she wins the argument and Barb is some kind of idiot for having a functioning doorbell. Which is only half true. Barb goes, leaving Lois to continue haranguing Bill: "We've been waiting for this moment for thirty years...now don't be such a pansy." What could make this visit worse? Maybe if Lois were to, say, spot Adaleen vacuuming Nicki's carpet. Naturally, that's exactly what happens. "What is she doing here?" Lois demands. More to the point, where did they hide Adaleen's enormous Humvee?
Barb's visitor is Pam, who's stopped by to invite Barb over for a little dinner to thank her for her help. "With what?" Barb wonders blankly. So Pam tells Barb that Margene is having her baby, and calls it a "pre-insemination party." Ooh, fun! I'll bring the hollandaise sauce! Despite the earlier conversation with Margene, Barb clearly didn't realize that Margene had already agreed to have the kid, as her expression now indicates. And then Pam adds insult to injury by saying she understands from Margene that Barb is kind of in the same barren boat. "You ever think you wanna have two or three more? Have a regular-sized family?" Barb just blinks at her through a frozen smile, while I wish my remote had a "slam the door in that nosy asshole's face" button.
Barb goes over to Margene's to yell at her over the whole situation. Margene isn't being defensive, or meek, or angry in return; she just keeps gathering the kids' toys in a laundry basket as she says, "I don't think you have the right to tell me what to do, Barb." Barb wonders if Ana has put her up to this, and Margene says that's not it. "She supports me! I like her. And you know what, Barb? I think Bill would like her too." Barb wonders what the hell is going on here, and Margene flatly announces, "I want Bill to date her." "No, Margene!" Barb says angrily. "Yes, Barb," Margene says, calmly but firmly. And wrongly. "They've already met," she shrugs. Yeah, that's torn it. What's Barb going to say to that? Nothing. She just shakes her head and walks out of the house. Which is a lot scarier. Not that Margene seems to realize this, as she stands there looking oblivious.
After a shower, Wanda comes out of Barb and Bill's bathroom into their bedroom. There are no snakes in the bed, but there's something arguably as bad on it: Lois, with a fancy gift bag for her daughter-in-law. Wanda accepts it -- and pulls out a big jug of antifreeze. Oh, come on, what's wrong with a nice cabernet? "Roman's up in Nicki's bedroom," Lois tells Wanda conspiratorially. "All alone. No one's around." Wanda says she can't, to which of course Lois says that Wanda has already proven she can. "You don't know the strain it puts on my marriage," Wanda protests. Lois leans on her some more. Wanda says, "First you tell me to get Frank. Then the D.A. Then Alby. Then your landlord at the laundromat." Hee, I didn't know about that last one. Lois shushes Wanda, and reminds her that Wanda did Alby all on her own. That's Wanda's point; she can't stop once she gets started. "You have no idea how hard I'm wrestling with my impulses right now!" Lois brightly says that's just Wanda's conscience, and pats her knee maternally. She says she's "looking out for" Wanda, as if that means anything in this context besides Lois always being careful to drink only from a flask she filled herself.
Roman's sleeping in his bed, and his visitor isn't Wanda, but Sarah and Heather. Well, perhaps "visit" is the wrong word, as Sarah whispers a dare at Heather to touch him. "No way, he's like Dracula!" Heather hisses, but does so anyway when Sarah nudges her hard enough to nearly spill the pitcher of water she's holding. Sarah's not done mocking, though. Indeed, she hasn't even started. She flirts with the unconscious man, asking, "Am I young enough? Am I pretty enough?" I keep expecting Roman's eyes to open, or for a smile to creep across his slack face. Sarah starts writhing on the bed's footboard, which of course is when Nicki appears in the doorway. Show's over.
Nicki's called Bill to her house, and she's complaining furiously about Sarah needing to be punished, while Sarah stands there looking miserable and embarrassed. Bill rubs that Nicki-spot on the back of his neck. He asks Sarah what she was thinking. Sarah apologizes to Nicki, which of course doesn't satisfy her and in fact sends her off into a fresh rant. Bill interrupts that by sending Sarah to her room, and she's only too happy to go, 18 or no. This turns out to be a mistake on Bill's part, because now Nicki turns her rage on Bill instead. She starts talking about putting Roman in a hotel, or taking him back to the compound. "Why not restore him to his devoted now?" she demands. Bill says Roman isn't going back, period. "I'm having your father and your brother removed from power, for good," he says. Well, at least Nicki isn't upset about Sarah anymore. Nicki asks what happens to her family, and her mom, and Bill just tells her, "It's over! He's finished!" Nicki insists that Roman's got 38 years left. "He said he'd rule until he's 118 and he will. He's the prophet!" Bill asks if she really believes that. Nicki, of course, does. Bill says Roman doesn't deserve the way Nicki scrambles for his love and approval. Nicki storms out of the kitchen, saying she won't let Bill do this. Bill goes out to the backyard. Is anyone going to remember to tell Sarah when she can come out of her room?
Things aren't going to go any better for Bill outside, because Barb intercepts him and brightly says, "Hi! Got a minute?" I don't care how many wives you have, it's never good when one of them says that to you. When Bill doesn't flee in panic, Barb asks, "Hey, when did you meet Ana?" Paralyzed by the shark-like smile that Barb's currently aiming at him, Bill plays dumb. Very, very dumb. "Margene said she introduced you and you expressed an interest in dating her," Barb reminds him. Bill sputters that Margene is exaggerating. Which is true! Margene didn't introduce them at all! He does admit that he bought pie from Ana. "Your memory seems to be returning," Barb mocks dangerously. Bill decides to cut off this line of questioning by saying he doesn't want to date Ana. "Have I answered your question?" he snaps impatiently. Barb: "Yes! Great! I'm glad to hear it! I don't want a fourth, Bill." Bill tries to put that off for now, and Barb insists that time will never come. "I. Don't. Want. A fourth." Bill, idiot that he is, decides to start digging his heels in as he reminds her that there are two other people in the marriage. "Yes," Barb smiles. "Oh, by the way, Margene's having the neighbor's baby." And with that, she stomps back to her house, leaving Bill to model his WTF Expression #872 all by himself.
So then Bill's telling Margene she can't be having neighbor babies, leading her to chirp some more about her "calling" and to point out that it's Nicki's turn to reproduce after this one. Bill also objects to Ana showing up and causing Barb to think a fourth wife is on the way. "That's absurd. Not going to happen," Margene chuckles, and tells Bill not to worry that Ana will say anything to anyone. Bill says he isn't worried, and also? Margene is having no neighbor babies. He leaves her standing there looking like he just told her she can't go to the cool girl's slumber party.
The morning, Ben sits forlornly on his completed parade float in the Home Plus parking lot. No one else is in sight, least of all Bill. And it's Sarah who drives up in the BarbMobile. Ben asks where Bill is. "Busy," Sarah says sympathetically. "He asked me to come follow you to the Expo Center and give you a lift back home." And how did Ben get there in the first place, unless he pulled another all-nighter? Which, now that I think about it, I'm sure he did. Stockholm is lovely this time of year. There's an awkward moment of silence while they each work up the nerve to talk about what's really going on between them. She says she doesn't understand him, and he says she's like Barb, trying to save him. He asks why she needs him to be okay. "I don't want to lose you," Sarah says, on the verge of tears. "I don't want to completely lose faith in this family." So no pressure or anything. Ben says he has faith in Bill, and that they're pioneers as well. "My sons and daughters, Sarah? They won't be unhappy. They'll be born into polygamy. Don't you believe any of it?" Sarah just stands there, looking at the empty Kool-Aid glass in his hand. Finally he clambers around and slides down the hatch of the float and behind the wheel. "You'll follow me, right?" he asks Sarah. She nods; she'll follow, but only in the most literal sense. Ben starts up the engine, and Sarah looks up at the giant Charlie Brown heads on the float as an insipid little music-box tune plays. Sarah swallows her tears as she watches the monstrosity pull out of the parking lot. One of the most fascinating things about this show is watching these people and wondering how much of their own bullshit they really believe -- the extent to which they're lying to themselves, the extent to which they're lying to those around them. While I really like this episode, and appreciate everything that happens in it, I'm thinking that it may have answered too many of those questions for too many characters.
But not this one, thank God. Adaleen's in Barb's kitchen, cutting a grapefruit. Out of nowhere, she backstories to Barb, "I'm sixth wife, but I might as well be first." Hell, I thought she was first. She continues, "I'm the one that told Roman he could be bigger than a clerk. And then I walked over the backs of five timid souls." Her advice to Barb is not to hold Bill back. "Why would a wife want to keep her husband small?" she wonders. Barb astutely asks what Nicki's been saying. "That you're powerless," Adaleen says. "That you're the fearful, closeted wife of a polygamist." Barb asks why Adaleen's telling her that. Good question, but Adaleen doesn't bother to answer.
Over at Nicki's, Joey's giving Bill an update and the news isn't good. He can't get a hold of more than three UEB board members, he's having trouble even getting on the compound, and he's learned that Frank's in cahoots with Alby. Joey is even kind enough to pass on a message to Bill from Frank, which, since it includes the phrase "ground in the dirt," certainly seems authentic. Bottom line: the compound is turning against them, and they're running out of time. Bill says he's still got the ATF on his side. Joey asks how long that will take, and what he's going to do about the pet prophet he's got stashed upstairs. This latter question abruptly becomes more urgent, as Bill hears Adaleen helping Roman down the stairs. "Oh, fudge," she curses when Bill and Joey bust them. Roman claims he's going to the barber for a shave. Bill offers Roman the use of his electric razor, saying he wants Roman to stay and that they can "accommodate" him there. His words and tone are gentle enough, but neither Roman nor Adaleen misses the fact that Bill is physically blocking the door. So by "accommodate," he clearly means "imprison." From the top of the stairs, Nicki watches the scene below her. Stuck in the middle as usual.
Bill wins that round, because we see them all upstairs, Adaleen shaving Roman with a straight razor that Bill must have picked up from the local SCA chapter. Bill offers to take over, like Roman would let Bill anywhere near his carotid artery with a sharp object, witnesses or no. Roman wants a telephone, but Bill says he's out of luck. Roman demands Bill's or Nicki's cell phone, but this discussion is tabled, because guess what? Bill's cell phone starts ringing. Heh. He leaves the room to talk, we know not to whom. As soon as he's gone, Roman fires Adaleen as his barber and orders Nicki to take over. He wants to know what's really going on, since it's clear that everyone's lying to him. "Everyone" meaning "Bill." "I only know what I've read," Nicki demurs. Roman reminds her of the condition he put on her marrying Bill. "You promised to respect my authority, remember? Bring me your cell phone. Now." Nicki's divided loyalties do battle for a moment before she finally says, "Behave yourself, Papa. We're not on the compound." Roman bares his throat for her and remarks, "You have such steady hands. If only you'd been a boy." Leaving aside the fact that Roman pretty much just dared her to kill him, think for a moment about that alternate universe. Alby wouldn't be the one running Juniper Creek right now, that's for damn sure.
Sarah's over at Scott's place, her Ben-following duties presumably discharged. She and Scott are making out on his bed. And it looks like Sarah's ready to go all the way. "I'm letting go of all of it," Sarah declares, which is certainly a healthy reason to give up your virginity (if not an uncommon one). Scott stops a couple of times to make sure she wants this, and she insists that she's ready. Less talky, more fucky. The Cowboy Junkies' version of "Sweet Jane" comes out into the open, and so do Sarah's girls.
Bill gets another cell phone call, and this time it's Alby, gloating about the fact that the UEB board just voted him chairman. "What do you want?" Bill growls at him, his always-charming method of admitting defeat. Alby says he wants the big McGuffin of the season: Weber Gaming.
After Bill hangs up, he sees Nicki and Barb standing there nervously, waiting to talk to him. Nicki says, "If Alby becomes the Prophet there will be eight thousand people that will kill for him. Everything you've done has pushed the compound into his arms!" Bill says that he knows what he's doing, and, okay, there's a first time for everything. Nicki bitches, "I have lost everything I hold dear to be a member of this family. Why don't you give up something for a change?" Well, he never gets to hunt or fish anymore. After Nicki leaves, Barb takes a turn, saying that Bill is only out for revenge against Roman. Bill calls Roman "the face of evil," which is kind of jarring after a season in which Roman was mostly the lesser of two. Will Barb succeed where Don failed?
Bill bursts into Roman's sickroom and says it's time to go. "You're going back. I'm putting you back," he chest-pounds. Roman scoffs at the idea of Bill putting him anywhere. "I knew you never had it in you to do me harm," he gloats. "You're a store clerk at heart." Bill angrily grabs Roman by the lapels of his robe and makes some vague threats. "Wouldn't it be poetic if your reign ended as my grandfather's did? In a suspicious death? Quiet and unseen?" Sure would. Where's that straight razor? Bill releases his father-in-law and boasts that he took Weber Gaming right out from under him. Roman tells him to give it back with as much authority he can muster, which, as Bill correctly points out, isn't much at the moment. He tells Roman the score: Alby has taken over as Roman's successor, so now Bill's going to reinstall Roman. Furthermore, Bill was voted in as Roman's successor. "So it's all come to pass," Roman sighs fatalistically. Bill says for the third time this hour that he doesn't want the gig. But once again, he and Roman need each other: "You can't stop Alby. Not on your own. Nor can I." And hey, while they're having such a candid little powwow, Bill has some other old, unfinished business: "Why did you run me off?" Roman: "I didn't want you around." Bill: "I was just a boy." Roman: "But look at you now." That's some clean writing, right there. So much in so few words. Maybe too much. Bill mentions Weber Gaming again, and Roman, with a wave of his hand, says, "All right, you win." Looking a bit surprised -- if not disappointed -- with how easy that was, Bill leaves Roman alone to get dressed for his triumphant return. Too bad Adaleen couldn't have gotten out of their house with his cowboy hat.
Downstairs, Bill gives instructions to Joey, who's going to be the wheel man for Roman's return to the compound. Joey leaves, and Bill looks into the backyard, where Margene is talking to Ana. Bill doesn't look at all happy to see the latter.
And then stupid Nicki, who can't ever keep her mouth shut when it really matters, blows the whole thing by going and calling up Alby to tell him that Roman's coming home, he's pissed, and Alby had better run. But Alby doesn't exactly take to his heels the moment he hangs up. In fact, it looks like flight is the very last thing on his mind.
Meanwhile, Barb goes past Nicki with a serving tray, and sees that in the room, Margene and Ana and Bill are all talking in a group. Barb looks shocked. We can't clearly hear what Bill is saying, but it's clear that it's not pleasant. "I can't deal with either of you right now," Bill says, and goes outside, followed by Ana. "Don't worry, Lolly," she tells him angrily. "I'll keep your secret." I don't know where "Lolly" came from, because she never called him that before. Maybe it's Serbian for "cockslap."
Back in the house, Barb shakes herself out of the fugue state that the Ana sighting put her in, walks up to where Margene is now standing alone, takes her by the hand, and leads her away without a word. Yeah, I'd say Barb's done being powerless.
As soon as Margene realizes that Barb is shepherding her across the street to Pam's house, she goes into a panic of trying to put it off, especially with the guests showing up at the house. But Barb is implacable, and the thing Margene knows, they're standing and facing Pam in her front yard. Barb says they're having a party for Pioneer Day. "It's mostly family…from Juniper Creek." Pam's neighborly smile begins to fade as Barb adds, "My husband's from Juniper Creek. Did you know that?" Pam sure didn't. Seeing what's coming, Margene sacks up and tells Pam she can't have her baby. She starts making up an excuse about complications, but Barb takes Margene's hand again and whispers, "You don't have to." And with that, Barb spills the whole story to Pam. "[Margene's] not single. She's married. To my husband. Margie's my sister-wife. And I love her dearly. So does Nicki." Margene is staring at Barb in amazement, as though she's levitating or something. Which, in a way, she almost is. Pam's shocked, but she doesn't seem as horrified about it as you might think, except for the part about Nicki. Pam doesn't care for Nicki, you know. Barb apologizes for not telling Pam sooner. "It just wasn't something that I felt comfortable admitting." She smiles beatifically at Pam, the late-afternoon sun giving her a backlit halo that makes her whole being seem luminous. But when she turns and leads Margene back across the street by the hand, she's nearly crying. She begs Margene to let her be the one to tell Bill. Margene can't agree fast enough. She would probably shoot herself in the head right now if Barb asked her to. By the way, is each season going to end with Barb getting outed to someone? Because she's going to run out of people if the series goes on much longer.
Later in the evening, it's getting pretty dark outside as Bill comes out of the pantry to find Ana standing in the kitchen, waiting for him. He says she shouldn't be there. Ana's pretty pissed at Bill for abandoning her in the diner (well, he kind of got kidnapped, actually) and lying to her. "How could you do this to me?" she demands, shoving him angrily and calling him "Lolly" some more. He stops her by grabbing her hands and saying he wanted her. So she grabs him and starts kissing him, as he drops his Sam's Club-sized box of Wheat Thins and they fall back into the pantry. Well, at least the awkwardness is over. But I'd hate for Barb or Nicki or Ana's imaginary boyfriend to catch them.
Outside, the party is in full swing. Nicki watches as Barb wanders around the yard, looking for Bill. Let's hope she doesn't find him for at least a few more minutes. Margene comes up to Nicki and proudly tells her, "Boss Lady outed us to the neighbors." Nicki isn't nearly as freaked out by the news as Ben, who walks away from his other two moms looking confused.
Kathy and Wanda sit together, each of them holding a sparkler. Kathy leans over and asks if Wanda's wearing the fresh underwear Kathy set out for her. "Stop smothering me," Wanda snaps at her coldly. Hee. I think Wanda might actually turn out okay. Her kid's fucked, of course.
Barb has found Bill, and it's apparent by the lack of yelling that he was able to disengage from Ana before that happened. She says that she told Pam, and he says he appreciates it. She clarifies that she told Pam everything. "It's not a secret anymore, Bill. Not on our block, at least." Bill doesn't look at all displeased at the news; for once, he's thinking more about how it affected Barb, and he gazes at her with pride. Barb delivers an ultimatum: she's the wife or nothing. Bill's only too happy to agree. They kiss, as Margene and Nicki watch in varying degrees of relief from across the yard. I am also relieved that Barb doesn't seem to detect Bill's Ana-breath. When they come up for air, Bill has an idea to show Barb just how First she really is: He asks Barb to be on Weber Gaming's board of directors. And new, improved, powerful Barb only pretends to think about it for a minute before she agrees. Too bad we won't get to see Margene's reaction to being demoted from Mrs. Weber Gaming.
It's quite a different scene in front of the Big House at Juniper Creek, where it's pretty much the opposite of the homecoming Roman must have envisioned for himself. Joey's car is surrounded by Utah state police vehicles with their flashers going. The one trooper who has gotten all the lines all season makes Joey and Adaleen get out of the car, and handcuffs Roman. Alby comes out of the house, looking pretty smug about the welcome he had time to arrange thanks to Nicki's warning. Adaleen screams that he's a traitor. Roman gets arrested for seven counts of violation of the Mann Act. Which, as the trooper helpfully explains, means "Transporting women across state lines for immoral purposes." The look Roman is giving Alby is not one of defeat.
There's a stage set up in the Henrickson backyard, and Teeny's leading a dance troupe on it. It's basically a younger version of the Home Plus dancers from earlier, with Wayne also among them. She announces a final number in honor of Brigham Young, for leading their people into the promised land. Speaking of which, Don turns to Bill with a grin and congratulates him for pulling it all off. Bill looks like he can't believe it himself.
But he has plenty of time to get used to the idea during the triumphant dance number. The musical selection is "Windy," which explains why Teeny was humming it earlier. Kind of an odd choice to honor Brother Brigham. Could it be a pointed reference to his preaching style? Also: Ben puts his arm around Barb, who looks thrilled. The three wives talk happily among themselves, laughing and whispering. Bill's younger kids continue doing their dork-dance. Sarah isn't home, probably because in the hours since losing her virginity she has almost certainly become a crack whore. But Bill, unaware of that or the fact that his deal with Roman just fell through thanks to his second wife, finally allows himself to relax; it's been a long season. Tell me about it, dude.
David Byrne lets "Windy" finish out the closing credits instead of replacing it with a hip-hop jam or something. Thanks for getting that stuck in my head all week. Maybe the song wasn't his actual idea, but he's still guilty by The Association.
So that'll do it. The usual thanks to everyone who made these recaps possible, meaning Joe R., Miss Alli, Sars, and Wing; the people who make the show; all of you who read and post; and Trash and M. Small. Thanks are also due to TWoP Sun for modding the boards, and also to creepy cultists. And (the first time I've been able to say this about an HBO show) I'll see you season.