Dan If You Do, Dan If You Don't

S14E26

The first half of this episode is going to be told in flashback, obviously. After we see Frank's exit from Thursday night replayed, Ian Diary-Rooms that Frank was his biggest threat. Jenn DRs that she feels isolated, since two people in her alliance apparently turned on the other one. She probably misses the days when she didn't have an alliance at all. And Dan tells Frank in the DR that it's his own fault for not backdooring Dan when he had the chance. Yes, I think Frank got that memo. During a break on Thursday's live show, we see that Jenn pulled Dan into a room to talk with him... to I guess cement their alliance after Dan just crapped on it. "What choice do I have?" Jenn asks us. Win the upcoming HoH, maybe, but of course we all know that's never going to happen.

After we see Dan win the Micro-HoH during Thursday's show, he DRs that after Frank, the most dangerous person to him is Ian. So he pulled Ian into the bedroom during Thursday's show and told him he was going to nominate Ian as a pawn, just like he did with Memphis. I wonder how effective it is for Dan to keep invoking the one final-two player in Big Brother history who didn't get a single jury vote. Ian was understandably nervous about this, but Dan conferred with Shane as well, saying maybe it was time for Ian to go. Dan's instructions to Danielle were to "get Shane in that mindset," namely the mindset of nominating Ian and Joe for Thursday's second eviction. Dan then had a whispered conversation with Jenn telling him his plan, but without mentioning his other alliances. Meanwhile, Danielle warned Shane that they needed to take Ian out if he stayed on the block.

Ian is still not entirely on board with Dan's plan to nominate him as a pawn (and would probably be even less on board if he knew he were the actual target), but then, luckily for him, he won the PoV on the live show, so it was moot. Ian DRs that it was the best feeling he's ever had in his entire life, which is the saddest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. This of course meant Dan had to get rid of someone else, and was considering Shane. Dan has a talk with Jenn where he suggests Shane, and then has the same conversation with Danielle. But Danielle isn't ready to lose Shane yet, so she talks Dan into getting rid of Joe instead. But this means Dan has to extract a promise from Shane not to tell Ian that he was Dan's target. So it's a done deal for Joe, who never knew what hit him. Of course he was never going to know, so it's hard to feel too bad for him.

By M. Giant

Flashback to the Veto ceremony, in which Ian vetoed himself and Dan put Danielle up in her place, much to her surprise. And to that of Jenn, who is very disappointed that Dan passed up a chance to boot Shane, as they previously agreed. Dan explains to Jenn that Danielle talked her out of it. Still, Danielle is distraught at being nominated, and getting tired of these blindsides, like Dan had a lot of other options. Dan explains to Danielle that Jenn's already pissed and would have been even angrier if Dan had nominated her. Dan gets Jenn in there with them to get her assurances not to vote out Danielle, but Jenn's still pissed. Dan tells Danielle that this was the cost of keeping Shane: "I did that for you." Because of how unselfish Dan is.

Joe exits the house, and Danielle is still whining about Dan's moves. Dan voices his regrets in the DR about taking out a useless target and wasting his chance. After Joe's exit, Ian bitches at Dan for not getting rid of Jenn instead, who's a stronger player than Joe. So now everyone's pissed at Dan for one reason or another.

Danielle drags Jenn into the arcade room, as we saw her do during the end of Thursday's show. Danielle tells Jenn to keep calm and thanks her for not voting her out. Dan enters this pairing to say he did what he had to do to save the three of them. Jenn can't even deal with another drop of his crap, and leaves the room in a quiet rage. Or at least she's quiet until she comes out to the living room saying, "Congratulations, Shane." She's pissed because something's going on that she doesn't know about. Why is that suddenly bothering her after nine weeks of exactly that?

In the arcade room, Dan tells Danielle that he's in trouble: "If she or Shane squeal to Ian, I'm done." He's convinced Ian's going to win the HoH, and he can't come up with a cover story for saving Shane to Jenn, and for saving Jenn to Ian. This is the cost of having the whole house wired; eventually shit starts feeding back. Danielle whines in the DR about how everyone's problems are hers. And the minute, Shane enters the arcade room with Danielle, who confides in Shane that Dan wanted to nominate him, but Danielle talked him out of it. Well, that's going to work out well, him having that knowledge. Meanwhile, Dan and Ian are cementing their final-two Renegades 2.0 deal, because as Dan DRs, there's another HoH competition coming up that he can't play in, so he needs to cover his bases. I get the feeling Dan has nightmares about uncovered bases.

By M. Giant

Later that same evening, everyone comes out to the backyard, where pieces of a bunch of other competitions from the season are laid out. Not that any of them are going to get used, mind you. As outgoing HoH and host for the competition, Dan explains that it'll be their job to guess on what day certain events occurred. But just knowing the correct number isn't enough; they'll also have to roll a ball down a chute and turn a wheel at the right time to drop a ball into a narrow slot with the corresponding number. They'll get a penalty point for each day they're off, and the player with the fewest points after five rounds will be HoH. Everyone DRs about how motivated they are to win, and then Dan starts with the first question, which is about the day Baby Zingbot was born. Shane uses the non-existent zing past-tense form of "zung," but the important thing is it was day 36. Shane got 34 and two points, Jenn got 39 and three points, and Danielle got 49 and 13 points, probably putting her out of the competition in the first round. Way to go.

Then Dan asks what day Frank won his first PoV competition (48). Ian gets 49, Jen nails it, Shane gets 50, and Danielle stinks the place up again, but only getting four points this time. Still in a distant last, though. On to the question, which was the day of Willie's expulsion. Jenn accidentally spills her ball into the 2 space, which is a fair distance off from the correct answer (day 14). Shane's a few days off, and Ian's ball gets away from him, so Shane steals the lead. Danielle still has the most points, though. The question is about the day of Jessie's return (56). Shane's off by three days, earning him three points. Ian guessed 55, so he only gets one point. Danielle gets a small (for her) penalty of two points, but the point is Ian's back in the lead. Finally, Dan asks what day the first PoV was used to save someone. It was when Shane saved himself on Day 17, but Shane thinks it was when he saved Ashley. Genius. Danielle's off by four, so her total is 25 points. I do not think anybody's going to do worse than that. Jenn was off by one day, so she has 17 points at the end. Shane had day 22, earning him five points for a total of 14. And finally, Ian landed in day 11, meaning he's off by 6, and it's a tie. Again with the tiebreaker. Dan is hoping Shane can beat Ian, because he thinks Ian has a good reason to put him up. Of course, Dan doesn't know that Shane also has a reason to nominate him, because Daniele shot her mouth of about Dan wanting to get him out as well, and Dan doesn't know that. The house is getting smaller, y'all.

There's going to be a tiebreaker question, which for once does not involve blackboards and trying to guess a number without going over. The last question is the day the first coach (Janelle) was evicted. Remember Dan's goal of keeping the coaches in the house as long as possible? And look how that worked out. Anyway, it was day 34. We don't get to see the balls roll into place at first, but after some appropriately suspenseful editing, we see that Ian's on day 32... but Shane is Day 30, so he has 4 penalty points to Ian's 2. Ian wins HoH again, and he's literally weeping with happiness at having gotten to the final four. In the DR, Danielle shows us her "Ian winning" face." Everyone knows Jenn's going to be nominated, including Jenn, but Dan, Danielle, (and probably Shane) are worried about who the Quack Pack pawn is going to be. In other words, they're worried it'll be themselves.

The first person to talk to the new HoH privately (although it's in the dining room) is Jenn, who congratulates him and says she's worried. Ian reminds her that there are "people" here who have nominated him. Speaking of whom, Ian goes to Dan and says that they might just have to "keep up appearances," meaning nominate Dan. Rather than agreeing, which he's never going to do, Dan says they just need to figure out how he could be voted out, and offers to think about it. But as he tells us in the DR, he's going to think of a "crazy plan" to stop that from happening. If it were anyone else saying that, I wouldn't believe it.

Later, Dan congratulates Ian in the HoH room, and Ian says he's gotten to where he can come back and coach. Like that's ever going to happen again. Dan is worried about the risk of seeing himself nominated this week, and suggests Ian nominate Jenn and Shane instead. Ian just isn't sure how he's going to sell that to the other houseguests, plus there's the chance that Dan could get nominated anyway. Dan plays the Renegades card: "Death Before Dishonor." Ian has no defense against the Renegades card, as Dan well knows.

Pandora's Box again. Ian gloats in the DR about being the first person to get two Pandora's Boxes. The temptation on the screen is a picture of his parents, with the words, "A message form someone who loves you." The second card reminds that there's a consequence for every temptation. Ian can't pass this up, because nobody ever passes up Pandora's Box, and even if Ian were inclined to quit while he's ahead, he's not about to blow off his parents on national television. Inside, he finds it set up like a little living room with a TV inside, and that same freeze-frame of his parents. Ian settles in for his message from home, and is ambushed instead by a video from none other than goddamn Rachel from BB12 and BB13 and TAR20, of all people, purposely being as obnoxious as possible and telling Ian how much she loves him. And she's there to give him advice on how to win! Which consists of thinking of Brendon! I assume there is nothing in this room Ian can use to deafen, blind, or kill himself.

By M. Giant

Meanwhile, downstairs, the other four are talking about the dead sea-monkeys in the tank when suddenly familiar voices from their homes start ringing through the house. They rush into the living room, where messages from Dan's wife, Shane and Danielle's sisters, and Jenn's mom are playing for them. "Oh, he's getting something bad up there," Danielle realizes. Indeed, Ian is listening to Rachel telling Ian that he should try "straddle-gizing" like she did with Brendon, and demonstrating the wonderful laugh that makes everyone fall in love with her. And demonstrates it, and demonstrates it. Jenn gets a message from her mom, and Danielle from her sister (and her sister's eyebrows). Ian, meanwhile, is literally looking sick. I don't care what he's done in his life, or has yet to do; nobody deserves this. On the living room viewscreen, Chelsea tells an emotional Dan how much she misses him. There's not a dry eye in the living room after that. Especially Shane's.

By M. Giant

With no preamble, Ian calls the nomination ceremony. Only two keys left in the big box. Ian pulls the first one, which belongs to Danielle. And the key she pulls is Dan's, so Shane and Jenn are the nominees, just like Dan wanted. I can't believe that worked on Ian. Ian reminds them all that the PoV is what counts, which may be a thinly veiled threat to backdoor Dan, or maybe that's what he wants the non-Dan players to think. Jenn assures us that she's going to play hard for the PoV, like she isn't back to being a cork on the waves of this game. Shane figures he's safe as long as a member of the Quack Pack wins, because he lives in a world where final four alliances actually last until the final four. And Danielle is preemptively crying, thinking she's soon going to have to vote Shane out on Dan's orders and feeling terrible about it. Well, if nothing else, it's clear that she's already made her choice.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.