Hantz Down

S14E04

After a quick reminder of Kara's eviction on Thursday night, Frank tells us in the Diary Room that even he doesn't understand why he's still there -- and that in the event of a tiebreaker, HoH Willie would certainly have booted him. By Thursday, yes, that was true. As Willie himself admits in the DR, Frank's continued presence in the house is bad for him, but Janelle says it's good for her own players if Willie and Frank go at each other for a while longer. Ashley's just glad her competition for the "under the radar" spot that she covets is gone, which is why she voted to boot Kara. Post-eviction, Dan hugs Danielle, his one remaining player, and promises not to let her down as well. Meanwhile, Frank and Mike Boogie quietly celebrate, because Mike figures that the house's decision to keep Frank was more of an attack on Willie than anything else. In the DR, Frank mock-recaps his week for Mike (including Frank's HoH win for the week), and the two of them launch into an over-the-top happy-dance. Willie seems subdued in the DR, but as optimistic as he can possibly bring himself to be. Which isn't very. Even Shane DRs about possibly breaking his alliance with Willie.

In one of the bedrooms, Janelle quietly tells Britney that Willie needs to go. Britney admits that she's so embarrassed by his behavior she doesn't even want to talk to him. And Dan quietly advises Janelle to make friends with Janelle's team, figuring they'll need her vote this week. For whatever.

In the store room, JoJo explains to Frank that she had to be loyal to her alliance and apologizes for Willie's behavior. He tells her not to worry about it. He has much bigger fish to fry, of course.

Like his HoH room, which Willie visits only reluctantly. There's also the coaches' annex off the main HoH room, which includes a photo of Mike's nine-month-old son, who he's so very happy to see, and looks forward to seeing again. "But not too soon," Mike DRs. I'm sure the child will agree. Willie, for his part, figures out how quickly he can leave without being totally rude, and then leaves an undetermined amount of time before then.

Willie comes and finds Britney, who's pissed at him for not only fucking up this past week, but making her look bad for defending him. "Nobody wants to be attached to a sinking ship," Britney DRs. Willie is unrepentant, even as he admits that he's the problem and he's playing an individual game. "Our team is screwed," she sighs to him. Sorry, Blondie, but you picked him.

Time-wasting filler of the newbies in the back yard talking about elbows. Something appears to be blossoming between Danielle and Shane. "If something happens, it'll be because it's real," Danielle DRs. And then the producers will crap on it.

A mopey Britney sits with Dan and Mike to talk about the game... namely the ability this week for the winner of the coaches' contest to trade one of their players. Mike is trying to convince Britney that everyone's after Willie now, but soon people will be looking at Shane as a target, being fit and popular and all. Britney isn't dumb enough to buy what he's selling, though, as much as Mike thinks she is.

For more time-wasting filler, Dan and Janelle talk in the kitchen about their families back home, and how now they understand all the people they've watched in past seasons who complain about missing their families, now that they're missing their own. I would miss my family, too. Which is Reason Number One that I'M NOT THERE.

Mike has a private coaching session with Ian, basically telling him, as politely as he can manage, not to be such a goddamn weirdo. It seems like Ian gets it, until he floats the idea of a "slop date" with Ashley. Mike is actually dumbstruck for a moment at the enormity of Ian's failure to get it. Mike figures Ian's doomed to get shot down, but later, the two of them are hanging outside with Dan, who goes to fetch Ashley so Ian can ask her... well, not out, exactly, since it's not like they can go anywhere. Ashley's up for it, not least of all because she's blindsided, but also because she digs nerdy guys. Can't do much better than Ian, then. That evening, the two of them get dressed up, and Britney shows them to the arcade room like an underdressed maitre'd or something. And from there it gets awkward, not that either of them seems to realize it. Ian thinks a showmance will help him in the game. But does he have enough game to launch a showmance?

The day, JoJo and Shane are talking to Britney about cutting Willie loose. Britney hears them, and promises to do what she can to keep the two of them in the game.

Frank's in some kind of cheesy hip-hop outfit as he says it's time for the coaches' competition. He leads them all outside to a backyard that's been made up to look like an eerily clean vacant lot. "The '90s hip-hop reference is kind of lost on me," Ian says. "I was about five at the time." Shut up, punk. Frank calls the coaches out, and they all side-shuffle into view wearing Hammer pants and vests. "I don't know if I'm supposed to be a genie or a waiter," DRs Britney, who is also a little young for the '90s hip-hop references, it seems.

By M. Giant

The goal for this competition is to transfer stacks of fake cash from one end of a low balance beam to a narrow pedestal at the other, one brick at a time. The first one to finish wins, obviously, but if anyone's money or foot hits the ground, they're out. I'm not sure how anybody is going to win this.

Britney DRs that she's motivated to win so she can ditch Willie. Danielle, on the other hand, wants Dan to win, but Dan DRs that he needs to throw it to keep up their "weak persona." That's his strategy? Losing? Well, I guess he knows what he's doing. The competition begins, and the players discover that the pants are preventing them from walking normally; all they can do is shuffle sideways like they're in the "Can't Touch This" video.

Britney takes an early lead, but after a while she tips some cash off her table and knocks them to the ground, so she's out. Ian gives Mike some physics advice from the sidelines on the construction of his stack. Mike finishes first, but then smugly returns to his button and steps off with a self-congratulatory line before hitting it. Way to go, idiot. That means it's a win for Janelle, possibly even if Dan hadn't thrown it. Now Janelle gets to decide whether to do a trade or an immunity. She passes on the latter, and gives immunity to Ashley. Like she was in danger anyway. Now Janelle gets to pick four Have-Not players for the week. She names Willie first, and then adds JoJo, as well as Shane and Ian for the second week in the row. In other words, Janelle screwed Britney's whole team. Either she's really trying to hide her alliance with Britney, or it doesn't exist any more.

When the players come back inside, they discover that the Have-Nots' slop is augmented by pork rinds and pudding this week. Ian's thrilled about the latter, at least, not that it takes much with this kid. In the post-competition milling, Willie tries to take JoJo aside for a private chat, but Britney puts the kibosh on that quick, pulling her away from Willie without bothering to hide what she's doing. In the Have-Not room, Britney tells her to stay away from Willie, like JoJo minds doing that at all. Later, Willie comes into the kitchen and tells JoJo he's taking the heat off her, like this was his plan all along. Britney swoops in again and tells him to steer clear of everyone.

And meanwhile, JoJo is in the Have-Not room throwing Willie under the bus to Danielle. Of course they get real quiet when Willie comes in, but after an awkward pause, JoJo steps up and says she can't be associated with him. Willie seems to get it, and stays behind in the Have-Not room, to calm down I guess. Wrong room for it, though, big time. After a bit, he goes out to the kitchen and sits down and loudly munches pork rinds, ignoring other people's comments and just generally trying to ratchet up the tension even farther than it already is. Willie mumbles something about "a bunch of ____ up in this bitch," and Joe, wandering by, says Willie's the only _____ he sees. So Willie jumps up and runs after him, like there's about to be a fight. With Joe's fists balled up, and Willie repeatedly hollering at Joe to hit him, and with towel-clad Ian the only person trying to separate them right now, there just might be. And not even a normal transition to commercial is here to restore normality.

After the break, Willie's yelling brings everyone in the house running. When Joe refuses to back down, Willie pushes him back with his face, which is just about the dorkiest fighting ever. Almost immediately, a producer's voice comes over the PA telling Willie to go to the back room. Willie goes, angrily demanding to know why everyone's gathering around. Why do you think, genius? "Joe, do not follow him," the voice adds. While Willie's being sent to his room, everyone else hugs like they've just survived some major trauma. Britney's even crying. "Willie, come to the DR now," the voice snaps. Willie goes, and the last we see of him is getting up from the DR chair and leaving the room -- in the opposite direction from normal. "I need you to come with me," says the unluckiest producer in the world.

Jenn comforts Britney in the aftermath, and JoJo and Shane talk about how they'll go down too. Britney gets up to go lie down, and fortunately only has to put up with a few seconds of Mike's goading in the bedroom before a female voice summons them all to the living room. It's executive producer Allison Grodner herself, reminding them via audio only that violence is not tolerated in the Big Brother house, "So Willie has been removed from the game." Britney DRs that she's relieved, but it's the worst thing that could happen to her as a coach. Ian DRs that Willie did it to himself, calling it "the least dignified exit in Big Brother history." Well, Chima was right up there. Shane says a real man would have stuck it out. Mike lies that he feels sorry for Willie after seeing him throwing away the prize money over a bad temper. Joe yells in the DR to Willie, "PLEASE FIND PEACE, BROTHER." Being far away from Joe should help with that. And after that early exit, it seems gratuitous to have nominations. So there aren't any, at least not for tonight. Congrats, producers, you picked another winner.

By M. Giant

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.