I know I've complained a lot about this show being on three nights a week, but after six days without it, I can see why: it's all so forgettable that it's hard to remember these people from one week to the . Good thing the previouslies sequence from the finale lasts a good ten minutes. We get to relieve the betrayals and reversals of the season -- all four of them. Then all the names are back in the title sequence, including Dick's. Lovely.
Julie, in a red Star Trek bathrobe reminds us that it's down to the final three: Adam, Porsche, and Rachel. Whoever wins the final HoH competition tonight evicts the last person, choosing the other member of the final two and sending the seventh and final juror out to the studio with Julie. But first!
We go back to where we last saw the final three morons, holding onto a giant mixer blade over a yellow pool while being shot by a spooge-cannon from off-camera. Obviously Adam, Porsche and Rachel talk to the Diary Room about how much they need to win this for themselves, narrating it in present tense like they don't already know what happened. Porsche says she has a final-two deal with Rachel, which we see a clip of them making at some point in the past.
We fast-forward ahead to nine minutes and 46 seconds in, and they're starting to get dizzy, but they're all still up there. Even Adam, believe it or not. Same deal at 22:34, although the physical stress is starting to tell on Adam. He apologizes to them for some reason, then falls and disappears into the soup at twenty-nine minutes flat, claiming afterward he was saving his strength for part two of the three-part competition. As if there's anything to save. 34 minutes in, Porsche and Rachel are still up there, and the spinner may be gaining speed Or at least Porsche claims it is. She's getting motion-sick at 39 minutes, and as always, Rachel's locked on and looking as comfortable as if she were on a subway. Finally, at 46:10, Porsche's done, and Rachel wins. Again. Rachel acts in the DR like it's a dramatic victory, at this point where she's actually earned some of that arrogance she's famous for. And Adam has to help Porsche out of the pool, but he vows to step up his game for part two of the HoH competition. "If not now, when? If not me, who?" Well, anyone, really. And it looks like it's going to be veteran vs. newbie for the final two after all.
Rachel's family is in the stands, including a much more attractive sister whose existence explains a lot.
Part two, as usual, is a task that each member of the final three will do individually, taking turns. Porsche comes outside to find a fake pirate ship with a big tank of water containing game pieces showing the faces of each HoH this summer and an underwater maze. Porsche reads the instructions aloud to herself: she'll need to jump in and slide each game piece through its own winding slot so it ends up in the right order of the numbered slots The one who does it fastest goes on to compete against Rachel in part three to be the last HoH. Porsche dives right in and gets to work, narrating that although she's been doing lots of memorizing, she hasn't done much memorizing underwater. Feeling pretty stupid about that right now. Up and down she goes, pushing herself hard and getting short of breath as though her only competition, Adam, isn't going to drown thirty seconds into this. Finally she climbs out and hits her buzzer, disappointed in herself for not doing better. Does Porsche think Rachel's competing in this round too?
Here comes Adam, who knows the HoHs cold, but gets frustrated with his swim goggles and throws them away. And surprise, now he can't see underwater. So he's got to climb out and go after them, which is an ingenious use of time. But at least he ends up finishing, which is better than I thought he'd do
Finally, they're both standing in front of Rachel, who reveals their respective times. Adam did it in six minutes, three seconds, but Porsche did it in 3:50, so it's going to be her and Rachel in the final round of the HoH competition, and Adam can only hope that whoever wins will decide to take him to the final two. Well, it's worked for him so far.
Time for the completely staged back-patio discussion at the jury house. Brendon, Jeff, Daniele and Shelly sit on cushy lawn furniture and wonder who's coming . Kalia wanders back to join them, imitating a muted trumpet of failure. She sits down and is still explaining how Rachel won the HoH when Jordan totters in on high heels. She's actually the least surprised person there, and Shelly remarks that the final three are Porsche, Adam and Rachel. I still can't entirely believe that myself.
So now it's time to talk about who "deserves" to win. Jordan names Rachel, for playing hard and winning lots of competitions. I can't stand Rachel, so you don't know what it costs me to agree with Jordan. Daniele calls Rachel out as a hypocritical floater, which of course Brendon defends her for. Kalia agrees that Rachel's had an uphill road throughout the game and thus deserves the win, but Shelly is still having trouble with Rachel on a personal level, which opens her up for an attack from Jordan about the shit Shelly used to talk about other people. Daniele says Rachel's behavior's on a different level. Jeff points out they had chances to get Rachel out if she's so bad, and Daniele points out that she tried. As for the other two players still in there, Jeff reminds everyone that he never talked to Porsche, because he's still not over that. Kalia argues the merits of keeping a low profile in the game like Porsche did, but Jordan and Jeff aren't buying it. But at least they all agree that she's a superstar at the game compared to Adam. Actually, Jeff and Jordan argue for Adam's loyalty, which I'm sure they would value equally had Adam been loyal to someone other than themselves. Daniele dubs Adam the inaugural member of a new category: "Piggybacker." Shelly annoys Kalia by claiming she and Porsche were playing Daniele's game, and Kalia ends up in a shouting match with Jeff. "Meeting adjourned," Brendon smirks. Best thing he ever did.
Porsche's family is also in the studio. A very dude-centric group. It's time for the final round of the last HoH competition, which is going to happen live in the living room. Porsche and Rachel stand at quiz-show podiums separated by a partition, while Adam sits in his accustomed place by the sidelines, willing his pre-birthday goatee to grow back already now that he's shaved his slowly returning beard off his cheeks.
So, Julie will give the remaining competitors dual-choice questions about how each jury member completed a given statement. That starts with Brendon, who said the moment he's most afraid to have his friends and family see is A) the second time he got evicted, and not B) sucking at endurance competitions. Kind of unfair to ask them both a question about one person's fiancé, but then they both answer B, and they both get it wrong. Fairly embarrassing for Rachel, especially since she pretty much accepted the premise of the second option. The question is Daniele's opinion of the most shocking moment in the house: Brendon's return, or her dad's early exit? They both answer A at first, but Rachel changes it to B and gets it right. : was Shelly's fatal mistake turning against Jeff and Jordan or voting Jeff out a week too soon? Shelly's answer is B), and they both get it wrong. [Note: This is infuriating, considering that every correct answer is the most obvious one. Rachel is lucky that Porsche is so horrible at using her brain. -- RS.] Jeff's question is a no-brainer, because he says the best part was getting to spend the summer with Jordan. They both flip their answer boards in record time but get it wrong anyway, overestimating how much Jeff enjoyed getting rid of Daniele. is whether Kalia said the biggest lie of the season was A) Adam's loyalty to the newbies or B) anything Shelly said. Porsche guesses A and Rachel B, and Rachel gets it right, so Julie decides the rest of the competition would be a sham and crowns Rachel the final HoH. Rachel cries as though she's already won the half-million, which, to be fair, she probably has. Julie gives her a minute to get her shit together and informs her that she'll be naming the final evictee shortly. Unless of course she has an aneurysm during the ads, which looks entirely possible.
And there's Adam's family, including who I assume is a brother who looks like he was in Snatch. By now, things have settled down in the living room, with Rachel still looking shell-shocked and Porsche and Adam in the nominee chairs. Porsche pleads her case to Rachel first, saying they started as allies and ended that way, and she hopes Rachel will take her to the final two. Adam starts with a metal shout-out, of course, and reminds Rachel of her contempt for floaters, making a big deal out of his loyalty over Porsche's. "Sorry, had to do it," he says to Porsche, as though he did her any damage at all. "Whoa, Adam," Julie says as he sits back down. Julie reminds Rachel that she's a lock for at least the $50,000 second prize, and asks her if she's ready to make her half-million dollar decision. "No," Rachel titters. "Too bad," Julie intones.
Rachel gets up and in this crucial moment for both Adam and Porsche, she makes a long speech all about herself. She starts to come apart as she finally gets to her point, which is that she has to evict Adam. So she's sticking to her deal with Porsche. Adam takes it pretty well, walking out with a metal-roar and double devil-horns.
Out in the studio, he works the crowd like he never worked the house and engulfs Julie in a hug. Rachel and Porsche settle down, Rachel looking upset while Porsche complains about Adam's classless speech. That speech is of course Julie's first topic with Adam in his exit Chenterview, but she quickly moves on to point out as gently as she can that he's "not the best at competitions." Adam points out that like Porsche, he won some later competitions (when there weren't as many people competing against him, he fails to point out), and agrees with Rachel's decision: "If I was in the final two I would have won." Julie laughs right in his face at his latest delusion, and so does most of the crowd, but Adam is serious when he says he knows the jury would have voted for him. He says it was nice to meet Julie, and hopes he can meet Ozzy through Julie's friend Sharon now, then he gets up and blocks her shot while she tries to plug the jury interrogation coming up . He's a lot more energetic when he's not constantly terrified of offending someone, isn't he?
Time to start bringing in the jurors, one by one. Julie calls in Brendon, Daniele, Jeff, Shelly, Kalia and Jordan, who take their seats so we can all see their reaction at who the final juror is. Brendon is way too happy to see that it's Adam, although I suppose he's mostly happy that it's not Rachel. Julie says they're about to lock in their votes, but first they get to ask their pre-determined questions of each finalist. Brendon goes first, telling Rachel he loves her. "That's not my question." Good. He says, "Some in the jury think you did and said a lot of hurtful things that had nothing to do with strategy. Why do you think you should be rewarded for this behavior." Rachel claims it was all gameplay, which is both bullshit and purposefully ignoring the entire premise of the question, and goes back into her speech about being a target and winning lots of competitions and how they should base their decisions on that instead. She does remember to apologize, which she sucks at, so luckily for her, Julie cuts her off on time. Jordan is , saying "some" think all Porsche did was wear a bikini and cook, which were Jordan's exact words earlier. So why does Porsche deserve half a million dollars for that? Porsche says it wasn't her idea to get the Golden Key (which is true, because she didn't understand it at first) and claims to have played a social game from that point on. That probably isn't going to cut much ice with Jeff and Jordan, who still seem hurt by Porsche ignoring them like a couple of wrinkled old great-grandparents in the corner at the wedding. Kalia asks Rachel what else she did to earn the money besides winning competitions. Well, nothing, but it's still more than Porsche did, but Rachel can't say that. Instead, she says she was also nominated the most, had to change her strategy after Brendon's exit(s), and says she had to make big moves like evicting Kalia, who would have won in the final two. Nice bit of last-minute flattery there. Shelly asks Porsche when she started playing the game, and asks for examples. Porsche claims to have started playing week one, starting with her bid for the Golden Key. Which, again, she didn't understand at the time, but whatever, and fortunately she runs out of time before she has to come up with anything else. And that's it for the grilling by the jury. I feel like I learned a lot, don't you?
After more ads, it's time for the final two to state their cases to the jury. What could they have left to say that they haven't already said? Nothing, in Rachel's case, but she says it all again anyway, talking about how hard she competed and talking about her big game moves and strategic decisions. Heard it. Finally, mercifully, Julie tells her she's done. Porsche stands up and reminds them that they were the ones who voted for her to stay in the first week (well, except Adam). She runs down the numbers and monotones about respect, which she displays by sitting down before Julie has to shut her up.
Time for the jurors to vote, but as they walk up to the big, glowing, freestanding key box one by one, their votes won't be revealed until later. Brendon is first, joking that it's going to be a hard decision and saying he loves Rachel no matter what happens. The audience goes "aw," at least the ones who aren't choking back bile. Daniele tells Porsche she adores her, and tells Rachel, "You're lucky this isn't a personality contest." Yeeowch. But given who Daniele's dad is, she knows that better than anyone. Jeff approaches the key box and says, "I don't have anything cute to say," as cutely as he can possibly manage. Shelly says she's proud of them and loves them both, wishing them both luck before having a little trouble inserting her key in the box. Kalia hums as she approaches the key box and just says, "Pajama pajama," which must be some inside joke that never got any airtime. Jordan tells Rachel she's missed her, but that she and Porsche both "did good." Adam blusters some more about how he would have won if he hadn't thrown his goggles and gotten a chance to play in the final round and gotten to play in the final two and when he comes back for All-Stars he's going to win. Jeez, who put a quarter into this guy? Voting over. Can't we just find out who won now and be done? Please?
Nope. Julie has brought back the first five people who left: Dick, Keith, Cassi, Dominic, and Lawon. The only thing that makes seeing Dick again tolerable is his obvious misery at the impossibility of achieving his trademark slouch while perched on a stool. Julie of course starts with Dick, asking him about his formation of the veterans' alliance in his six days in the house. Dick says it "woulda shoulda coulda been the best alliance that has ever played the game," and then grinningly blames his daughter for blowing it up. Daniele says she disagrees, and she decided early on she didn't want to work with the other veterans, on account of how they were mostly terrible. Julie asks Dick if Daniele's getting rid of Jeff was dumb or smart, and Dick makes like he's too classy to call his daughter dumb to her face when we all know better. He calls it something worse: "Typical," meaning it was playing too hard too fast. Daniele sits there listening to him filibuster, looking more tense and miserable than she did in a whole summer locked up with Rachel, which is saying something.
Julie suddenly remembers that other evictees are sitting near dick, and asks Cassi what the biggest surprise was when she was watching from home. "How darn cute Adam is underneath that beard!" Cassi cracks. But she was totally fooled by Shelly. Julie gives Shelly a chance to rebut, and Shelly says she wasn't fooling about how much she loved Cassi, but she had to play a social game, admitting it was sometimes dishonest. Julie decides to give Jeff a crack at that, and Jeff admits that he and Shelly kind of made up in the jury house, or at least "put it aside." Julie asks Kalia about her tongue-biting strategy, and invites her to un-bite it now that she's not playing the game any more. Kalia says she held back a lot, but all she says for now is that no matter what anyone else thinks, she played her own game and not Daniele's. Jeff gets yet another chance to talk as Julie asks him how he feels about Daniele now. Jeff tries to be diplomatic before admitting that he and Daniele don't like each other. So enough group therapy; Julie breaks the news that there's still the $25,000 America's Favorite Houseguest to be announced, not that most of them are going to win it. Oh, and thanks for showing up, Keith, Dominic and Lawon, not that you ever got to say a word. Although in Keith's case that's probably to his advantage.
When we come back from the ads, Julie is standing over the final key box to reveal the votes. She tells Rachel and Porsche, who I was beginning to forget existed after all this time, that she's about to reveal the votes, and they need at least four to win. Time to start drawing the keys. Brendon voted for Rachel, Daniele voted for Porsche, and Jeff voted for Rachel. No surprises so far, and then we see that Shelly voted for Rachel. It's 3-1, and Rachel's one vote away from the half-million, with Jordan's vote yet to be "revealed." The gap narrows with the revelation that Kalia voted for Porsche, but of course Jordan voted for Rachel, so we have a winner. Dammit.
Rachel and Porsche head out into the studio amid the traditional storm of golf confetti, and Brendon picks Rachel up into one of those already-too-short-skirt-hiking hugs he's always giving her. Then it's just a big, loud scrum of everyone hugging everyone else, a quick, silent shot of the fish tank and Julie reminding us to come back to find out who America's Favorite Houseguest is. Why doesn't anyone ever ask me my favorite houseguest? It's none of these people, that's for damn sure.
When we come back, Julie reveals that the final vote, Adam's, went to Porsche, so Rachel won it in a squeaker, which makes me feel a little better. I mean, Rachel deserved it more than Porsche, even if Rachel is a much bigger dick than Porsche is. I'm big enough to admit that. Julie presents Porsche with Adam's cardboard key like the world's worst booby prize before remembering she also gets fifty grand, and then Julie opens the envelope with the name of America's Favorite Houseguest. It's Jeff, who tries to act surprised and fails miserably. And that's it for BB13. See you July, for another summer of ill-thought-out twists, blatant manipulation, interminable stretches of inaction and undeserving, self-righteous morons. I can't wait, can you?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.