So we all remember how last Thursday, Shelly flipped and sent Jeff from his perch as King Shit of Turd Mountain to raging impotently at Julie in less than an hour, right? And then Porsche seemingly consolidated the newbies' new power by winning HoH, only to open Pandora's Box and allow the producers to hand the game right back to Rachel and Jordan with the restoration of the "duo" twist? Okay, good. And by "good" I just mean, "let's move on."
Now it's Day 56, and Porsche is full of regret for screwing her four-person alliance for a mere five thousand dollars. And she's not the only one unhappy about it, either. "Twists always jack me," Kalia Diary-Rooms. Yes, they do, Kalia. What do you think that means? And Rachel is thrilled to have the chance to save both herself and Jordan by just one of them winning the Veto. For once, Jordan is the whinier of the two of them, wondering what Porsche got in exchange. "Why can't I win HoH and get Pandora's Box?" she complains. Well, Jordan, if you'd won, there wouldn't have been a Pandora's Box, so quit'cher bitchin'. Rachel's keeping positive while Jordan slowly catches up, and even almost smiles when Rachel says if they win the Veto, they can force Shelly and Adam's nomination, and thus get rid of Shelly this very week.
Meanwhile, Kalia is pissed off to hear that Porsche "ruined our game over five thousand dollars." Like she knew that was going to happen. Adam reminds us that now that there are six players, they're all in the Veto competition. The newbie alliance is now coming to the same realization that Rachel did, and Shelly joins Kalia in DRing about Porsche's stupidity. Porsche should probably put down that Pandora's Box envelope, or at least stop holding it up to her face and reminding everyone what she did.
Later, she confesses to Kalia that she shouldn't have taken it, but Kalia's mood is vastly improved when she learns that she gets five grand as well. Funny, that.
Sunday's backtracking pushed this week's nominations all the way to tonight, but even having it this early in the episode doesn't detract from what is already very little suspense. As Jordan explains in the DR, the Veto matters more than the nominations this week anyway. Porsche convenes the nomination meeting. She and her partner for the week, Kalia, are both safe, and the keys Porsche pulls belong to Adam and Shelly, so no surprise that Rachel and Jordan are the nominees -- even if the musical score seems convinced that it's a dramatic moment. Afterwards, Porsche tells us in the DR that Rachel is this week's target. Shelly DRs that she and/or Adam have to win the Veto to save themselves, while Rachel pre-gloats that she and Jordan will win the Veto and Porsche will have to replace them with two of her own allies. And as always, she says it in that way that makes you want to send commandos into the house to make sure that doesn't happen.
Rachel and Jordan head into a bedroom and talk about whether to talk to Porsche yet, but Jordan wants to play it cool and maybe go talk later. They both agree on how much they need to win the Veto, and plan to, and expect to.
After a decent amount of time, Jordan and Rachel make their approach to Porsche and Kalia in the HoH room while Adam and Shelly sit outside smoking. Jordan tells us, as if we didn't know, that Rachel sucks at talking to people and needs to shut up. So Jordan does all the talking, making a speech about how Shelly and Adam have been coasting, and even though everyone thinks Rachel's a liar (Rachel can't suppress a derisive laugh at that), suggests a deal for the final four, just in case Porsche or Kalia wins the Veto. Porsche wants no part of working with Rachel, but she likes the idea of having her bets covered if she and Kalia lose. Jordan hustles Rachel out of there before she says something stupid. And Kalia and Porsche figure they're now in good shape no matter who wins the Veto. They win it, cool. Adam and Shelly win it, cool. Jordan and Rachel win it, they have a deal, so cool. The only thing that could go wrong is if the rules change without warning, and what are the chances of that happening?
morning, Jordan and Shelly find themselves in the bathroom alone, and it's pretty tense. Jordan ignores Shelly's muttered hello, and of course Shelly can't let that go. At least she complains to Adam about it instead of trying to stir things up with Jordan. Adam is fine with Shelly making herself a target, because it makes people forget about him. As if anyone needs help with that. Shelly maintains that she's playing for her family, not Jeff and Jordan. I just hope she doesn't flip on them too after she gets home.
Veto competition. There are dummies in jumpsuits and helmets, hanging from parachutes in the back yard in front of a sign saying "Duo Do Over." Each dummy has the face of an evicted houseguest on it, and the flat pictures wrapped around the round heads make them look kind of creepy, like a live-action GoldenEye 007 N64. Everyone still in the game has their original partner up there, so no Donatos. Porsche explains that each player will grab onto their dummy and hang there. The person who stays up the longest wins PoV.
After a lot more explanation of how important this PoV competition is and how critical it is for everyone to win, the horn sounds and the dummies are craned up with their partners wrapped around them. Rachel deploys her legs around Brendon "like I always do." Ew, don't remind me. Kalia takes some time finding a good position. Adam is still deluded that anyone gives a shit about him so he needs to win, but at the same time he can't seem to keep his hands on the strap for even five minutes. "Apparently I need more time at the gym," he admits ruefully in the DR. Obviously Shelly is disgusted, because her partner sucks and she's on her own in this now.
And then Jordan drops off after just 8:35. "I'm not one to tolerate pain," she explains in the DR. "This isn't, like, Survivor or whatever." Well, okay then. She and Adam commiserate on the sidelines.
Ten minutes in, Kalia farts, which doesn't give her the lift she might have hoped.
It's looking like Shelly's time is limited. Jordan mouths an apology at Rachel, who's just staring strap-distorted daggers back at her, and then signals that Shelly's . Sure enough, Shelly drops at just over twelve minutes. She knows that her fate is now in Porsche and Kalia's numbing hands. Rachel starts a little psy-ops on Porsche, saying Porsche is carrying people and doing all the work, which is not something Porsche has been accused off all that often. After 16 minutes, Rachel is still hanging on motionless like she's super-glued to the Brendon dummy, while Porsche keeps wiggling on Keith and finally falls with eighteen-and-a-half minutes on the clock. Much to Kalia's frustration. With 21 minutes down, Rachel is still locked onto Brendon, although she's started to try climbing higher for a better position. Kalia is slipping, though, and getting annoyed with Rachel's gushing about hanging onto "Brennan." Must be hard to say the D with her face full of him. Ew, I just grossed myself out.
This is still going on at nearly twenty minutes in, but Kalia drops at 32:09, and Rachel wins, just like the producers planned for her to when they set up a lame copy of the very first competition of the season, which she also won. So that's a Veto for Rachel, who says it's for Brendon and Jeff. "We are in the final five!" she sings. Porsche DRs unhappily that she's going to have to nominate Adam and Shelly now. Shelly's pretty bitter about this in the DR.
After the ads, everyone comes back inside and Shelly thinks she needs to do some "swift talking and some quick planning" to save herself. Some time travel probably wouldn't hurt either. Rachel and Jordan celebrate in the storage room, and plan to get rid of Shelly, who they think has been spreading rumors about both of them. In addition to what Shelly actually did, I guess.
Adam is embarrassed at his loss, as he should be, and beats himself up over it in front of Porsche. Who doesn't really have much to say about it. Meanwhile, Rachel and Jordan whisper shit about Shelly and how much they need to get her out of the house. "From this point forward, it's me and you, Jordan," Rachel says. Jordan manages not to flee in terror.
Kalia and Porsche are having the converse discussion in the storage room, and Kalia says they'll have to steal Jordan away from Rachel at some point. One area of agreement she does have with the two veterans is that Shelly and Adam are pretty useless. So it's looking like Kalia and Porsche are thinking about a new final four. Because what else are they going to do?
Shelly goes into the Have-Not room to apologize to Jordan. Jordan apologizes back for blowing up at her, and says Shelly stabbed her in the back. Shelly again gets weepy and talks about playing for her family and how she had been letting Jeff and Jordan get in front of that. She claims to have tortured herself and has paid "the ultimate price" over her decision, even though she's still alive. She says Jordan would have taken Jeff with her, and says she fully expects Jordan and Rachel to vote her out this week. Jordan's still hurt, and Shelly goes in for the hug when Jordan starts crying as well. They call a truce, and Jordan DRs that while she'll forgive Shelly, she won't forget. That's very moving, and probably would have been even more so had Rachel not won the Veto.
Later, in a different room, with different clothes on, Shelly is talking to both Rachel and Jordan, saying she knows she has no shot at the final two now, but begging them for a chance to stay a little longer anyway. Rachel, demonstrating her sincerity by wearing her sunglasses in the house, says they'll need votes in the future. Shelly says she now doesn't want any of the other three newbies to win either, so she's on Rachel and Jordan's side, even offering to throw an HoH to them. As if she's going to still be in the house at that point. But Shelly seems to think she might be. "If they take me to the final three there is no way I'm handing them the money," she tells us. Shelly leaves them to think it over, and the editors wisely cut away from Jordan and Rachel before either of them can cackle over what a bridge-straining load of crap that was.
It's Veto day, and even though we all know what's going to happen, we still have to watch Rachel stare at the memory wall and listen to Porsche's regrets about opening Pandora's Box. Finally Rachel calls the Veto meeting, and they assemble in the living room to watch Rachel de-nominate herself and Jordan. Then Porsche has to go through the formality of nominating Adam and Shelly as the replacements, and Rachel adjourns the Veto meeting.
Adam makes a missing-the-point DR speech about how he's going to fight to stay in the game. Why change strategies now? Shelly has deluded herself that she can pull it off, and Rachel continues to be excited about her and Jordan's "perfect" situation. Jordan DRs she and Rachel need to "start thinking smarter." Otherwise the producers are going to have to step in and rescue them again.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.