Julie's olive-drab tablecloth beautifully sets off her jewelry as she tells us that Hayden and Kristen's showmance will be ending tonight, one way or another. In the Diary Room, Hayden wonders where his genius plan to have Britney use the Veto went wrong. And Rachel DRs that she floated the idea of nominating Lane to Britney on purpose, to sabotage the [finger-quotes] super-alliance. "I want Kristen out of here."
Kathy commiserates with Kristen over Britney's betrayal, and Kristen does some more crying in the DR about being separated from Lane. She's getting a lot more screen time now that she's always either a) fighting, b) crying, c) about to go home, d) dressed in a ridiculous outfit, and e) all of the above. Now was that so hard?
Hayden approaches Rachel and Brendon outside, and they assure him that he's safe; he's got Brendon's vote, at least. Hayden figures that counting Brendon's vote along with those from the Brigade, he can just coast. Famous last words, right?
Across the yard, Britney explains herself to Enzo about the whole thing with Rachel thinking about replacement-nominating Lane, which pisses off Enzo. "The Brigade's comin' after 'em," he boasts in the DR, like that's news.
Hayden joins Kathy and Kristen, and then Kathy leaves so Britney can tell them about Rachel's Lane plan. They get it, which I guess means Britney's out of the doghouse, but now they're mad at Rachel for destroying their plans... to eventually evict Rachel. Britney leaves them to complain about how they won't see each other for two months no matter what. Hayden tells her not to stop fighting. Wouldn't she have to start? Kristen agrees that she'd regret it if she didn't, and cries some more.
Ragan, Britney and Matt hang out in the HoH room. As Britney says, you can't hang out in there without her without making fun of Rachel, so they put on her hair extensions and start doing just that. And because nobody on TV can do a mocking impression of somebody without that person walking up behind them -- even on reality TV, even on this show where there are monitors showing the approach to the door -- Rachel and Brendon walk in and bust them. Except Rachel thinks it's all completely hilarious, taking it as flattery instead of the cruel mocking that it is. Which gives Britney license to continue the act. Everybody wins!
The Brigade works out in the backyard while Kristen watches. That, plus Hayden's earlier invitation that she keep fighting, makes her realize that Hayden must be in a secret alliance. So Kristen finds a sounding board-slash-potential ally in Ragan. He says he's been thinking the same thing, and suggests Kristen go to some other people with that.
Kristen's target is Britney, who is also not stunned at the possibility that there's a dude alliance forming, which is going to eventually leave Britney in the vulnerable position of last woman standing.
Kristen then has to make her pitch to Brendon in the HoH room, and he doesn't seem entirely unreceptive to what she's saying. "Ultimately it boils down to trust," he narrates in the DR. We'll see what Rachel has to say about that if he goes against her in the vote.
Julie says we're about to name the most powerful HoH ever. Does that person get to leave the house or something?
After the ads, she gets the houseguests on the living room viewscreen, where she tells Kristen and her unitard that she's "lookin' groovy" and asks Hayden whether he wouldn't have rather had that than solitary confinement. Hayden regrets giving up the five thousand, and maintains that she looks better in it than Hayden would have. Although I think the wig would have been an improvement over Hayden's actual hair. Julie shows them a clip of the luxury competition with the police car obstacle course, specifically Enzo's overenthusiastic celebration at the end. Everybody has a laugh, except the people watching. Julie puts Britney on the spot, asking her who is the hardest houseguest to live with. Britney outs Ragan as a toxic farter, and Ragan basically says that who smelt it dealt it. Wow, that took a sophomoric turn. But I guess that while Britney's canny enough not to give a sincere answer, it would have been too much to ask to point the finger at herself. That would make it hard for other people to pull it.
Julie introduces a clip of Kristen and Hayden making out in bed. "It's weird to think my mom's watching," Hayden says, which is just what you want to hear when you're getting hot and heavy between the sheets. And so we meet Hayden's mom in Tempe, who totally disapproves of his showmance on every level. "I would tell him, think with the head that's on your shoulders," she says.
There are like nine chicks watching their friend Kristen back home in Philadelphia, and one of them reveals that Kristen has a boyfriend. And there he is, watching a make-out scene like he's one of those jilted boyfriends on Temptation Island. The subtitles introduces him as Steve, Kristen's boyfriend, and then an "EX-" gets dropped in there like we're watching Burn Notice an hour early. He's obviously pretty upset. "In my opinion, it's over," he tells us. "She's got quite a mess to clean up when she comes back," he threatens. He also says that he's a 31-year-old man, unlike Hayden the 24-year-old kid, which is a pretty mature remark for a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend via a national television interview that she probably won't even see for a while.
HoH Chenterview with Rachel. Julie asks if she and Brendon are planning to bring someone else into their alliance, and Rachel names Britney. I'm sure Britney would be tha-rilled to hear that. Julie asks her if targeting women is a strategy, but she maintains that they're the ones coming after her. Sure they are. Julie asks Rachel who's , and Rachel demurs a bit before naming Matt. You know, as long as none of these other skanks in the house come between her and her man. Watch your step, Kathy! She keeps laughing annoyingly while Julie quizzes her about her relationship with Brendon and whether the honeymoon is over, given their arguments this week. Rachel maintains that that just proves that it's a real relationship. As shown by the fact that last night she threatened to end it.
Julie switches channels to the living room so Hayden and Kristen can make their case. Hayden doesn't pull any punches, saying he has too much class to throw anyone under the bus. "Unfortunately for Kristen and I, some people don't have any class at all." Which is a totally classy remark. He thanks them and spouts the old line about people needing to vote for whoever will benefit them most. When it's Kristen's turn, she hearkens back to Andrew's accusation that she has no heart, and disagrees with it, calling some nameless people "cowards" and herself a "stand-up person." Which is why she's not naming names. Well, that was dull.Time to start the voting. Enzo votes to evict Kristen, duh. Kathy makes a sad-clown face while voting to evict Hayden. Matt votes out Kristen, and after going to the ads with the count at 2-1, Lane votes to evict Kristen, so the only way she stays is if everyone else votes to keep her. But then Ragan votes to evict "the kindest, and hands down most compassionate person in the house, Kristen," so she's gone. Brendon casts a revenge vote for Andrew against Kristen, and Britney votes with everyone else. Nice try, Kristen, but Julie tells her she's evicted six to one. She hugs everyone and heads out to the studio. After everyone quietly watches her picture on the memory wall go gray, we join Kristen for her exit Chenterview.
Julie compliments her on her campaign to stay, which filled almost ten whole minutes of screen time, and asks what she thinks happened. Kristen says people were worried about being on the wrong side of a 3-4 vote, and because Kristen has already gone over her weekly allotment of screen time several times over, Julie goes right to the farewell messages. "I think it might clear things up," she says, which doesn't come off at all smug.
Matt tells her she fell to the curse of the unitard: "When you're up there in a costume, you're as good as gone, baby." Rachel calls her the "definition of the word bitch. Who do you think you are, trying to talk to Brendon behind my back. Don't ever, ever try to get between me and my man!" Which makes it four times out of four that Rachel's said that in a farewell message. Think she says it in every message to both nominees every week, just in case? She goes on to call Kristen a "triflin' ho." And then Ragan's message nails Rachel to the wall: "You have been evicted because of Rachel's insecurities. Take it as a compliment." Preach it, Ragan.
Kathy weeps about how much she'll miss Kristen. Who will she have to cast a lonely dissenting vote for week? Brendon calls her out for trying to convince people Hayden's in an alliance, which just makes him look like an even bigger idiot. And Hayden informs Kristen that he's in an alliance with Matt, Enzo and Lane, called the Brigade. "But I want you to know that if I had to choose between you and the Brigade, I would have chosen you." Funny, that's not what he told the Brigade.
Julie remarks on Kristen's lack of visible reaction, and Kristen admits that she kind of saw it coming. Julie asks how this affects her feelings toward Hayden, and she gives a lengthy, rambling non-answer about being true to herself that would befit a half-term Alaska governor as well as any Big Brother houseguest. As for whether he's going to try to get back with her boyfriend or wait for Hayden, she pulls a Kelly Taylor and says she needs time alone. Yeah, I think she'll be getting it, too.
Julie's been telling us all night that this is the biggest HoH of the season, and why? Because Pandora's Box is back, and this time opening it will unleash "the new saboteur." Wow, that's a lot of look. Remember how America voted this week to nominate a new saboteur? Looks like they're giving the gig to Ragan, who narrowly edged out Enzo. But before we find out how that's going to play out, it's time for the HoH competition. Or at least, time for it to start.
It's a simple one, another endurance-based challenge. The eight remaining houseguests (not counting Rachel) are standing on a narrow ledge that wraps around a giant paint can, their backs pressed to the sides and holding onto a railing behind them. The one who stays on the longest is the HoH. The can starts spinning slowly, but since everyone's wearing safety goggles, there's obviously going to be more to it than that. Julie adds that the first one to fall will be the only Have-Not of the week. And then cannons start spewing paint at them like the end of that OK Go video. Commercials.
Everyone's still up there when Julie comes back, telling us that we'll find out more about the new saboteur on Sunday, and that Jeff and Jordan will be back on Wednesday, because I haven't recapped those two enough in my life.
Back to the competition, where a giant paintbrush is brought into play, swinging back and forth while spitting paint at everyone. This clearly is not going to go on all night, but everyone at least outlasts the credits. Including me. Almost.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.