Julie looks businesslike in a puce power suit, wasting little time telling us that there's another batch of idiots (although as always, she uses the word "houseguests" instead of "idiots"), but this time there's a twist. As though the ultimate twist at this point could be anything other than no twist. "Underhanded, unscrupulous, and unexpected, it's time for another summer of Big Brother," she says. And that's just the producers! Yuk yuk-yuk.
We get the usual beginning-of-season explanation of the show's concept, which I at least have to credit the show for not doing three times a week all summer long. That may be the last compliment I pay the show all season, so bookmark it.
Julie's back to say that there are thirteen houseguests, most of whom are there to be the last person standing. But there's one player who's there to be a saboteur. We're not told who it is yet, because we don't even know who's in the house yet. Which I guess means it's time for the tiresome ritual of meeting the houseguests, complete with fakely staged moments of them "discovering" their Big Brother house key in some setting that's indicative of who they are. Okay, fine, let's get it over with.
Andrew is a podiatrist from Miami Beach, and informs us that he's also a practicing Orthodox Jew. Which may or may not interfere with his gameplay, but he says he doesn't care. If nothing else, he's at least starting off by undermining stereotypes. In Mansfield -- no, now it's Huntington, Arkansas, a town so small it can't even decide what its name is -- there's a standard blonde named Britney. Spelled just like that other Britney. Hayden, from Tempe, AZ claims to be the most competitive person we'll ever meet, but the chicks dig him, even though he needs a haircut. Rachel from Las Vegas says she's not just a hot girl with big boobs, but a chemist as well. Don't worry, Rachel, I'm sure you'll seem less hot to everyone as the season wears on.
We also meet Kathy, a deputy sheriff from Texarkana, Arkansas (the token oldie at 40), and a dead-eyed model named Monet. Matt from Elgin, Illinois is seen playing heavy metal music and claiming that he's a genius. He's in Mensa and everything. Someone as smart as he claims to be would never play a guitar that stupid-looking, though.
Annie from Tampa, FL frolics in a park and hints that her bisexuality will be an advantage. A ranch hand (at least that's what we see him doing) named Lane from Decatur, Texas, says he's used to getting his hands dirty. Probably not as literally as he will be in the Big Brother house, though, unless he works at a ranch that generates massive amounts of honey, oatmeal, and other forms of slime. Then there's Enzo, a New Jersey meathead who tells us his strategy: "None a your friggin' business." I'm charmed already.
Brendon from Riverside California is a swim coach who says he's used to high school drama. That's actually a good point. Kristen is a poor man's Christina Applegate from Philadelphia, who seems to be something of a party girl. Ragan is from West Hollywood, California, and although he claims to have a Ph.D. in communications studies, he seems to insist on dressing like a gas station attendant in 1956. Looks like he's ready to step into the role of the evil gay, though.
Montage of the houseguests packing, edited for maximum implied tension that may or may not play out when everyone actually gets into the house, so I'm not going to spend a lot of time on it. In fact, I'm done. Although I wonder how the taxpayers of Texarkana feel about watching Kathy drive off to the Big Brother house in her police car.
Julie's back to ask us if we've guessed the saboteur yet. Uh, Alison Grodner? But before we can spend much time thinking about it, she calls the houseguests out to the yard to all meet each other for the first time, although they're not allowed to talk to each other yet. The first four in the house will be Britney, Ragan, Brendon, and Rachel. In they go, the girls squeeing while the guys hurry to claim bedrooms.
Lane, Annie, Enzo, Kathy, and Andrew are the group to enter, and rush to claim beds. Annie, who already told us she's bisexual, admits that she's got a little crush on Britney. "I want to put her in my pocket and save her for later." Or accidentally run her through the laundry. Either way.
Finally, Monet, Hayden, Kristen, and Matt get to go inside. A bed shortage is quickly apparent, but nobody freaks out over it. As for the décor, the only thing that jumps out at me is that the old swimming pool decorated room appears to be gone. The acoustics in there probably gave the sound guys fits anyway.
Then it's time to pop the champagne and do the introductions. Kristen goes first, and Hayden admits that it might take him a week or two to "work my magic." Matt informs them that he just got married in September, but leaves out the part where he's a "certified genius." Whatever; the best part about being in Mensa is hanging out with people who are in Mensa, which again makes me wonder how smart he really is. Rachel acts vapid in her self-intro, leaving out the part where she's a chemist and deploying an annoying laugh that's going to outweigh the boobs in a hurry. The most interesting thing Monet shares about herself is the names of her cats, which I've already forgotten. Ragan has an instant crush on Brendon, while Kristen has a crush on Hayden. So maybe it won't take Hayden a week or two after all. Andrew, wearing what Rachel calls a "yom kippur" on his head (she's a chemist, not a rabbi), makes a crack about thinking this was a speed-dating thing for Jewish singles. He tells everyone he's underemployed rather than being a doctor, so as to generate sympathy for himself. Kathy's clown-like face seems to oblige. Lane says he's "a salesman for an oil company." Which I guess would have been hard to show him doing in his intro montage. Especially if said oil company is BP, in which case this house is probably the safest place for him. Kathy comes right out and says she's 40, with a 22-year-old son. Everyone acts amazed at how great she looks, like she said she's 80 or something. Britney shows off her new engagement ring. Enzo does his Jersey accent, which Annie also likes. Ragan also lies about his job, claiming to be a student in communications rather than a professor. "I'm painfully single," he says. Britney diary-rooms of Ragan that she could tell he was gay the minute he opened his mouth. Why, did a dick fall out of it? She yammers on, "Those are my people. We can talk about boys, shopping, Broadway shows, Sex and the City, the series and the movies. It was just love at first sight." Especially how she knows everything about him just from how he talks. Normally you don't see that kind of jumping to conclusions about people from anyone who isn't Michael Scott. Annie talks about her French Bulldog, "Mr. Cubby Bears," but leaves out her bisexuality. So that's everyone, and Ragan proposes a toast "to our least drama-filled day." Which will prove optimistic.
Kristen tries to go first, but falls and misses her chance. Annie jumps at it first for the yellow team while everyone else is still discussing strategy. Monet is the first to make it across for the red team, but immediately regrets being a target as a result of winning ten grand. Which she hasn't won until her team wins, but whatever. As the competition continues, streams of mustard and ketchup are being squirted across the playing field, making it hard for the players to maintain their grip on what have become giant lubricated shafts. Hayden gets the idea of hurling teammates to the top of the wieners so they can grab the rigging and hold onto that. This works for Kristen, even though she gets across looking like she was in a car accident. The yellow team is also having difficulty, making an attempt to use Brendon's t-shirt as a handle to hang from (uh, Rachel, nobody asked you to take your shirt off, Hootie McBoob), but then Britney on the red team falls for the umpteenth time and hurts her leg. Andrew hangs back, because no one knows he's a doctor (well, a podiatrist, as Elaine Benes might say) and his hopes for winning the game override his Hippocratic Oath. He's going to feel like an even bigger dick if the part of Britney that's injured is her foot.
So it's left to Kathy on the yellow team, with I guess the first aid training she has as a police officer, to crawl out and ascertain that Britney's hurt. Which she is. Nobody seems to know what to do, and the game is suspended while a "medic" (actually some hippie) comes and checks Britney out. She's taken out of play, which means she has to switch with someone on her team who's already made it across. And that other player will be picked by the yellow team. Can you believe how quickly they came up with that solution? It's almost as though they knew someone might get creamed. "I lost my dignity on a slippery wiener," Britney ruefully deadpans in the DR. Yellow nominates Kristen as Britney's replacement because she's shorter, and the game restarts, effectively a tie. Until Kristen crosses back over while Kathy faceplants repeatedly. Hayden boosts Matt up on the wiener, leaving himself alone at the starting line while Enzo and Brendon continue to struggle with Kathy. Then Hayden is the last member of the red team to make it across, making him HoH for the week and Monet $10,000 richer. The yellow team looks worried.
So we get to vote on who the saboteur is? What's that about? Will it change the answer? Or is it just a cheap way to drum up text messaging revenues? Send me a dollar with your answer and I'll let you know week, if I remember.