I love Wednesdays on this show. Tons of commercials, little action to recap, and at the end, one less asshole.
Julie is resplendent in a cantaloupe-colored pantsuit this evening as she welcomes us and the live audience to the proceedings, reminding us that either Dan or Steven is going home tonight. She also reminds us that Dan's strategy is to quietly suck while Steven flails around to save himself. "But even the quietest mouse can't escape the eye of the cat," Julie warns. Well, that's certainly a trenchant observation, even if it has nothing whatsoever to do with what we're about to witness.
After a replay of Michelle's declining to use the veto last night, Dan DRs how happy he is to still be on the block. If he actually gets voted off, he's going to cream himself. Steven talks about how bad he feels that he's going to have to compete against one of his closest friends in the house, not that that's going to stop him. Keesha is regretting her alliance, but belatedly realizes that she's going to have to vote Steven out to keep herself safe. Libra DRs about her alliance's anti-floater strategy. Yes, that's brilliant. Get rid of the floaters so you have nobody to win to your side later. Genius.
After the veto, Steven goes to Dan and says he did his best to arrange for Libra as a replacement nominee, but now the reality is that they're up against each other to not get the boot. Dan's like, "Okay, knock yourself out." And the hell of it is, Steven will.
Steven throws himself on the mercy of Ollie and the "Angels" (Libra, Keesha, and April, who seem to be getting along fine again now, because at heart they're a bunch of fickle third-graders). Steven feels like he's being screwed over by his alliance with Brian, despite the fact that the other nominee is the one who actually voted for Brian to stay. They admit that Steven is a stronger competitor, which is why they want him out. Steven makes the argument that that can also make him a stronger ally, which is what he offers to be for them right now. He exits to let them cogitate on that. So the four of them sit and talk shit about the other four members of their alliance -- Jessie, Memphis, Michelle, and Angie -- who formed their own faction last night. On this season, the people you don't trust are the ones not in the room with you at this exact moment. These four decide that they need to form their own group of four, and latch onto a floater to beat the other four on numbers.
Dan goes into the HoH room to confirm that he has Jessie and Michelle's votes, which they assure him he does. That's good enough for Dan, who now plans to sit back and relax, because he thinks two out of nine is a majority or something.
Out in the backyard, Memphis and Angie talk quietly about how much she hates Libra and April (who are right across the yard shooting pool) and the advantage conferred on them by their own secret alliance (which Libra and April totally know about). Thanks for the filler.
In the women's bedroom the Angels talk about how lines are going to be drawn soon, and Keesha suggests that ousting Dan would be a big first move, sending a clear signal that it is, as they say, "on." Therefore it will not happen.
And now to the studio. Julie is ready to have this week's viewscreen interview with the houseguests, who are assembled in the living room. Apparently the live audience has supplied some questions this week. They can't be worse than Julie's. The first question is to Jerry. Julie starts by mentioning the "two oldsters on one team" controversy, but then softballs it by asking if Jerry thinks they respect him as a competitor. "Nah, I suck," Jerry doesn't say. He just says he has earned their respect. Julie then turns to Libra and asks her if age made a difference in the food competition that her team lost, which she already said that it did. Keep in mind, please, that in almost any other season, Libra would be the second oldest player, if not the oldest. But anyway. Libra gives a politician's non-answer, saying that gender was also an issue. Julie amazes me by actually trying to nail Libra down on this with a follow-up question, but Julie is outmatched. As always.
Julie then brings up the April/Ollie showmance, letting April blather on the subject for a minute before turning the first audience question on Ollie: What does he think his conservative preacher dad would say about his relationship with April? Ollie thinks his dad would be fine with him having "someone to confide in." Although he doesn't say how his dad would react to his and April's fucking. Perhaps the audience member who wrote that question should have been a little clearer.
Julie thinks we want to meet Renny's family, so I guess we have to. They all have very round heads, and her grown son goes by the name "Sparky." In less surprising news, they all think Renny is awesome and Jessie is being disrespectful. They're half right. So now let's meet Jessie's parents, who talk about what a runt he was growing up. Well, that explains a lot. His mom says, "What people don't know about Jessie is... the goodness." Oh, now there's a backhanded compliment. How is that anyone's fault but Jessie's? And they take Jessie's side, naturally. Oh, and all of this is intercut with Jessie posing ridiculously for the women in the back yard, and Renny doing pathetic little wig-and-costume shows for her fellow houseguests. I think we know where the editors stand: they're both morons.
Julie again fires up the viewscreen for the private HoH Chenterview with Jessie. Her first comment to him is that he keeps telling everyone that he's not just a body without a brain. She asks why he thinks they think that, and after his giant brain makes him have to ask her to repeat the question. He talks about how much he's been through despite his tender age. Her question is what he thinks his biggest weakness is. He thinks it's his tendency to confide in Michelle, or maybe his failure to nominate Renny when he had the chance. I have to admit, I'd have trouble answering that question as well. It's tough to pick just one weakness.
With that riveting conversation out of the way, Julie switches back to the living room so Dan and Steven can plead their respective cases. Dan starts by flirting with Julie and then talks about the great times he's had this week (none of which we saw on the air, of course). Steven's speech is a series of inside jokes that ends with a friendly, "suck it, bitches." "Whoa, let's see how far that gets you, Steven," Julie responds, not getting a word of that. I mean, I didn't either, but at least I was able to tell that Steven was kidding.
The voting commences, with everyone trekking into the Diary Room one by one. Michelle votes to evict Steven, as does Memphis, although he stumbles over his line. Angie makes the same vote, as does Jerry. Julie sends us into the break on a 4-0 vote, which is not the most suspenseful situation I could imagine.
Libra votes , to evict Steven, so that's him out the door. But we still go through the exercise of April's, Ollie's, Renny's, and Keesha's votes, which are also to evict Steven. Julie reopens the audio channel to the living room to break the news that Steven got a unanimous boot. He says his goodbyes and exits the house to a cheering crowd. The situation inside the house is a lot quieter, aside from everyone bumping into Keesha's ill-positioned body mic as they hug her. Fix that, Keesha, or learn to protect your personal space.
The first Chenterview question for Steven is whether it's harder to ride a bull or play Big Brother. Steven says this is a lot harder, and steals my line by saying a bull ride only lasts eight seconds. Tell me about it. Here come the goodbye messages. Keesha says she loves him to death and is sorry for the way things went. Angie apologizes for not being able to help him stay. Renny gives the flamboyant farewell of a drag queen. Jessie basically tells Steven that "you, too, can be a spectacular specimen of manhood like me!" Dan says Steven opened his eyes: "I don't think of you as 'Gay Steven,'" he claims. Dan totally thinks of him as "Gay Steven." And now, after tonight, we don't have to think of him at all.
Julie sets up tonight's HoH competition by telling us that the houseguests got "spaced out." Cut to a clip of April blow-drying her hair in the mirror. Suddenly a guy in a greenly-illuminated rubber alien suit becomes visible through the one-way glass, freaking April right the hell out. The same thing happens to Jessie in the HoH room, and to Renny in the kitchen ["Best part was Renny not seeing it for like five minutes. So freakin' oblivious." -- Angel] The others start watching the mirrors, and Steven gets startled by an appearance even when he's expecting it. Also, the production has been stealing random decorations and cupcakes out of the house, to the point where even the houseguests have begun to notice.
So can we finally get to the HoH competition? The eleven remaining players are all standing outside, looking at an alien dummy perched on a rock in the pond. Julie says that they'll be taking turns going one-on-one against each other, trying to answer questions about the stuff that's gone missing. It's always fun to see how little the theme has to do with the actual game, no matter how bravely the question writers toiled to shoehorn an extraterrestrial theme into the phrasing of each question. The first two to face off are Dan and April, chosen at random. Dan forgets his "act like a weak player" strategy and quickly eliminates April with a correct answer. He picks Renny and Libra to face each other , since they're the closest. Renny buzzes in and gets it wrong, so Libra gets to pick Memphis and Angie to go up against each other. Angie loses that round, and Memphis picks Ollie and Jerry. Jerry gets that one wrong, so Ollie gets to pit Michelle against Keesha. Michelle blows that one, so Keesha calls Libra and Dan back. Libra gets that one right (or Dan remembered to throw it), so Libra picks Memphis and Keesha. After a pause, Keesha buzzes in with the correct answer, so Memphis is out. That leaves only Libra and Ollie, and Libra wins that round too. So it's down to Keesha and Libra. Libra gets it wrong, so Keesha is the new Head of Household. Well, at least nobody can boss her around for a week now.
Back from the last set of ads, everyone's back in the living room as Julie congratulates Keesha on being the first female HoH of the season. She has more questions from the audience, and the first one is for Libra: "What are you going to do if you end up on slop for a third straight week?" Libra says it won't be pretty, and that she's already lost twelve pounds. Thanks, live audience. That was jaw-dropping.
Julie plugs the upcoming episodes and then lets us "eavesdrop on the houseguests," which is boring as always. Couldn't the houseguests ever put on a little show for us in this timeslot, instead of always rehashing the HoH competition that we just watched happen? Would that be so much to ask?
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.