Damn, it seems like just a couple of months ago I put this clusterfuck to bed. But here we are again already, and a rose-colored cocktail dress-clad Julie wastes no time, greeting us with the news flash that this is the first time in seven seasons that nobody in the house knows each other. Really? That long? Isn't that kind of ridiculous? Oh, what am I asking?
The narrator explains the premise while we "enjoy" a few shots of the newly redecorated Big Brother house. Once Julie's back, she reiterates that there are no exes, family members, or secret couples. She doesn't go as far as to say there are no unfair advantages, and I'm interested to see that there are some claims even this show won't make. Julie tells us that the competition will begin even before the houseguests enter the house, which she'll explain later. Ooh, hope she doesn't forget.
Time to meet the houseguests. 75-year-old ex-Marine Jerry says, "ThisBig Brother fan is not your typical grandpa." I think he's got those nouns switched around, but whatever. He calls himself "the oldest man ever on reality TV." We also meet office blonde April, who claims she knows how to handle men. There's Dan, a young teacher from Dearborn, Michigan, and Libra, "a mother like no other." Unless that means she's never going to play the mom card in the house, I'm not buying it. Renny happens to find her key lying in the middle of a French Quarter street in New Orleans, as you do. Apparently she just walks around with a brass quartet following her everywhere. There's also preacher's son Ollie, who gets his key while he's sitting in a pew. And gay rodeo champ Steven promises to "hang on until the end." No, of course they aren't being fed these lines.
Brian apparently plays basketball for the Air Force. I bet they're great at basketball. And hey, here's bartender Memphis. That's his name, not his hometown (which is Hollywood, naturally). Recent divorcee Angie calls herself "the Asian Sensation," so poetry is clearly not her strong suit. Keesha is a Hooters waitress, and the only surprising thing is that it took the show this long to find one. Jessie (a guy) is a bodybuilder, and Michelle revels in her own obnoxiousness. Is that thirteen? I think I'm going to have to change my lucky number. After we meet them all, they all have only an hour to get packed and put some sound bites on tape that make sure we'll hate them extra-much. Like falling off a log, for most of them.
With that, Julie brings us back to the front yard, where the latest cast is assembled and waiting to go in. Julie tells them that the game is beginning now: in a BB first, they have to choose the Head of Household before even entering the house. Julie instructs them all to take positions around a large, crescent-shaped table in the yard and vote based on nothing but their first impressions. They all vote almost instantly. Not that they'll find out the winner until later.
The first five to enter will be Renny, Dan, Angie, Jessie, and April. Cue the standard varieties of kvelling and room-claiming. are Libra, Brian, Keesha, and Memphis, who predictably provide more of the same. Brian Diary-Rooms (DRs) about how everyone was really nice when they first met each other, probably because they don't know who the HoH is. Brian immediately becomes an early frontrunner. When Steven, Jerry, Michelle, and Ollie enter, everyone starts noticing that Renny is a bit on the obnoxious side. Indeed, anyone who voted for her is already having some buyer's remorse. I'm just busy trying to figure out if she's a drag queen. When they gather in the living room and pop the champagne, Ollie declines, because he comes from a fairly straitlaced background. Which makes him perfect for Big Brother.
When the introductions start, Jerry says he's got five grandchildren and nearly as many great-grandchildren. Keesha DRs that she voted for him, and she earns whoops just by saying she works at Hooters. Libra talks about her five-year-old daughter and biracial twins. Michelle says, "I'm Portuguese, so I'm crazy." Steven describes himself as "childless and single," but holds back on identifying himself as a gay rodeo rider. Maybe it won't ever come up. Renny gets on everyone's nerves some more. Dan introduces himself as a Catholic school teacher, and DRs that he's already planning to go to confession to clear up anything he does in the house. Because that's how it works. Jessie's, Ollie's and Brian's self-intros are pretty uneventful. Memphis wants to be clear that he is a "mixologist," not a bartender. Whatever, bartender. Angie has very little interesting to say, and neither does April, but she's willing to prove her boobs are real by letting the women and Jerry grope them (which Renny is quite judgmental about in the DR. What happened to Laissez bon temps rouler?). Finally they toast to what Jerry calls a "great bunch of kids." Everyone laughs, because by definition nobody on Big Brother is "great."
Julie welcomes us back, standing to the viewscreen showing all the houseguests congregated in the living room. Before she tells them who the HoH is, she tells them that they're about to have their first competition. Jessie offers to sit out, and the rest split up according to which side of the room they're sitting on. And they're way too excited when Julie tells them to meet her in the back yard for the first time.
Julie's not back there, of course. What is back there is two pairs of cars: two VW bugs suspended upside down from tracks (not waiting to crush the biggest asshole, alas), and a couple of 60s-era muscle cars to one side. The teams are divided into red and white, and they learn that they're competing for one of those "classic cars." Whatever, Big Brother, we know you're too cheap to spring for a new ride. Jessie regrets sitting out, which is one thing, but Memphis calls Jessie's move "one of the most boneheaded moves in Big Brother history." Was that the earliest instance of hyperbole in Big Brother history? Because I'd hate for history to happen and I miss it. The competition will require the teams to climb up en masse into each inverted car and pull it along a track to pick up and drop off gas cans on each end of the track, and they have to also drop a houseguest off -- and out of the competition -- with each pass. Oh, and it's also a food competition, with the loser on slop for a week (not including Jessie, in the biggest bonehead move-turned-brilliant strategy in Big Brother history. Just trying to get into the spirit of things here).
As the competition starts and the people start boosting each other in, negotiation over who needs the car has already begun. Libra's willing to drop out, but Steven claims that his truck broke down the day he left. The red team is the first to ditch a player, and it's Renny, because she is useless. Libra keeps her word and drops out first for white. Red maintains its lead, dropping Michelle. Keesha drops out of white, and then the red team ditches Angie. Dan drops out for red, and Jerry nearly throws the pin in his hip jumping out of the white car. With red down to Steven and Memphis, they start to rock-paper-scissors, allowing white to cut into their lead until Steven cedes it to Memphis so the team can avoid slop. And just like that, Memphis has won himself a car. So that's the white team on slop. April claims to be worried about the diet, specifically its possible effect on her teammate Jerry's safety. Like he never ate anything worse when he was in the Marines. Memphis picks the Camaro for himself. Enjoy driving it to sequester in a couple of weeks, Bartender.
Once everyone's back in the living room after the commercials, Julie reveals the HoH results: Renny came in second with three votes, which I think makes this the closest she'll ever come to the post. But Jerry had four votes, so he's the first HoH., which means he'll need to nominate two people for eviction in 24 hours. Julie signs off with the houseguests for the night. Over already? No? Oh, crap.
Jerry DRs about how he plans to use this opportunity to do what he wants, and Dan plans to get to Jerry. He starts by forming an early alliance with Brian, and they both agree to bring in Ollie as well. If they have a plan beyond that, we're going to have to wait to find out what it is. But first-day alliances always do well, right? Dan DRs that he felt he could trust Ollie after seeing "the blacks of his eyes." Did I forget to mention that Ollie was black? Because Dan wouldn't have.
Jerry leads the gang up to his HoH room, which is nowhere near as bleak as last season's. "What they do for one person," he marvels in front of everyone. His morale is high.
One by one, the houseguests start heading to bed. Once everyone is asleep, Renny comes into one of the bedrooms and wakes everyone up by histrionically claiming that the bedroom door just locked behind her. Of course she's just doing what my friends and I call "pulling a Midvale. This makes her an early target, and she's not exactly apologetic at having woken up the entire house with her antics. "How old are you, 140?" Jessie whines in the DR, and when he confronts her about it, she tells him to lighten up. "The person, I'll give them my cotton balls," she says to the night owls in the kitchen. Well, she's certainly making half of Jerry's job easy.
The morning is all about Brian, Dan, and Jessie being irritated by Renny and pretending they weren't talking about her when she sits down to Dan. When they fall silent, Her expression demonstrates that there's a difference between being foolish and being easily fooled. Dan and Brian are already planning their strategy: suggest Renny and Jessie to Jerry as the first nominees. Brian takes some one-on-one time with Jerry, bonding with him over their shared history in the service. Jerry suggests a secret signal, which is that they cross their forearms to indicate the "X factor" alliance of Big Brother 10. Dude, you're 75. This is embarrassing. Brian DRs that he'll "keep Jerry around" for as long as he's useful, and then talks Jerry out of nominating Dan, putting Renny and Jessie up instead. Jerry's on board with the plan. X-FACTOR! Sorry, couldn't resist.
It's nomination day, and various players discuss what it means. For Jerry's part, he says he's going to feel bad no matter what. After loading the key box, he calls everyone in for the nomination ceremony. I don't know how Steven does it, but when he slumps forward, it makes the "PURE GRAVY" text on his t-shirt read temporarily as "PURE GAY." Good thing he's being so discreet. But anyway, the nominees are Jessie and Renny, who saw it coming. Jerry says his nominations were designed to force people to deal with "the conflict" themselves. Jessie says that voicing his opinion bit him in the butt, and Renny angrily vows in the DR that "[Jessie's] gonna need all his muscles." Jerry considers his nominations "extremely safe," and adds that he's here to stay. Brian congratulates himself on being the puppetmaster. A little early for that, Air Force. "Act like a baby," Renny mutters bitterly at the kitchen counter. Is that her advice or her strategy?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.