We begin the episode by slide-guitaring into the moments right after Dick announced his nominations. He DRs that he (predictably) nominated Jen and Kail because they'd been campaigning against him. Kail is his real target, but Jen's nominated alongside her because he wanted to "spank" her for fucking with him. Hey, Dick? Please don't try to be cute with the spank talk. You are gross. Kail, trying to be brave through her tears in the DR, says that she doesn't want to leave the house and is going to try not to let Dick's smack talk get to her. Back in the post-nomination era, Jen cheerfully says it's obvious that Dick would nominate her, given that Jen had put Dick up against his own daughter. Dick reminds Jen that she isn't his real target. Zach DRs that Kail dug her own grave with her anti-Dick campaign when he was nominated, so he's going to go along with Dick for now. And back in the kitchen, Kail "jokes" with Dustin at the fridge, telling him, "Game plan. I need one. Think about it for me." Dustin laughs politely and then tries to find the house escape hatch.
Outside, apparently moments later, Dick strolls up to where a whole bunch of people (including the nominees) are sitting and reminds the group at large that one of them will be going home, as if one of them's going to be like, "Oh, no shit? I thought I had a four-month lease on this place." Jen half-assedly reminds Dick that she wasn't part of the four-person alliance, but he shuts her down, saying that she went along with their planned ouster of Dick himself. He declares that he's just trying to be honest -- and since he's on a reality show, that means acting like an asshole, though he doesn't say that part. Kail sits quietly while Dick repeats that one of them will go home, and that he feels bad about it. Jen asks why he keeps talking like it's definitely going to be Kail, since it could be Jen: "Everybody hates me -- so I've been told." She laughs. But Dick, of course, has no sense of humour and lectures that he's not playing the game on a personal level: "That was your mistake." Jen realizes that they're in Big Brother: House Of Parliament, and shuts up. Dick smokes and paces and has a face like a scrotum.
Oh, geez. Zach is dared to streak to the pool, and (after some interminable build-up) does indeed streak. He makes them promise that his towel will still be there when he makes it to the pool, which of course means that once he's in the drink, they grab his towel and lock him out of the "house." God, these people must be bored. If these are the highlights?
Kail is half trying to sleep when Jen comes in to chat. They talk a little bit about Dick's complete lack of caginess in his intention to get Kail booted. Jen says that may work in Kail's favour, and Kail seizes on that, asking how it could. "I don't know," shrugs Jen. Ha! You know, if you're going to bullshit people by telling them what they want to hear, at least be prepared for possible follow-up questions. Kail asks if the rest of the houseguests don't think Dick is God, and Jen waves that off as ridiculous. Talk turns to what will happen when the game gets to the jury phase, and Kail states in no uncertain terms that no one will want to go up against Mike, Nick, or Zach. But just as she's warming to this theme, the door slides open and Mike enters, and it's lucky for Kail that she's in night-vision because she is not good at covering for having just been talking about him. Anyway, Jen says she assumes that Mike doesn't want to be picked for the Veto competition the day, and Mike shrugs that he wouldn't mind, and would be willing to take one of the nominees off the block if he won. Both Jen and Kail act like they're about to blow him, but he tips his hand (or we just don't see the entire conversation) when he tells Kail that she's been nothing but loyal to him. Kail recaps their agreement: all three will play hard for the Veto. Good idea!
Later, it's Dick's turn to interrupt Kail's sleep. He starts out all nice, asking if she's okay and taking her hand; she says it's hard, and he gravely intones, "I do know." But soon enough, it's time again for Dick to lay into Kail, telling her point-blank, "You're not a very good player." Kail takes a deep breath, lets pass her impulse to cold-cock him, and tries showing her soft underbelly, cooing that her life is in his hands. He retorts that her life is in her own hands. Kail says she has no one in the house, but Dick isn't so sure, and says that if she survives the vote, there's nothing to say she and Mike won't form another alliance. Kail lies that she doesn't know where she is with Mike -- "friends, I'm assuming" -- and doesn't know what's up with Jen. Dick says that he doesn't regard Jen as a threat, nor does anyone else: "And that's why you have such a low chance of staying, if you don't get POV." Kail tries to butter Dick up by saying that the voting houseguests will do what Dick wants, but Dick blithely tells her that everyone else wants her out, too. Okay, why did Dick initiate this conversation? He doesn't want to help Kail. He doesn't want to give her false assurances to calm her down. He is just straight-up mentally abusing her -- apparently for his own sadistic pleasure -- and she's too craven, as a nominee, to call him on it. It's actually kind of uncomfortable to watch. But of course it isn't over yet, as Kail prefaces a revelation by asking Dick not to tell anyone he heard it from her. "Sure," says Dick casually. Kail says that Jen is going after Daniele. Dick is unconcerned, saying that Jen won't be around much longer (see: Will, Evil Doctor), and that in a head-to-head competition, Daniele would kick her ass. Kail quietly pleads, in light of her announcement about Jen, for another week. "You went after me," says Dick, who isn't playing on a personal level. He tells her she has no chance of staying in the game unless she wins the Veto. You know, in case she wasn't clear on that yet.
After the commercials, Eric learns that he has to vandalize someone's personal property. Whose? Jen's. Eric is "tickled pink."
Lord. So Jen gets up from a nap and goes outside. Eric -- pretty matter-of-factly -- grabs a bottle of mustard and squirts it all over one of Jen's stupid personalized tank tops. The soundtrack tries to get all trepidatious about it, but Jen doesn't really seem to care. She does some half-hearted detective work on who did it, but the whole thing sort of fizzles. I will say Eric is a decent liar, piping up, all, "How is that even possible?" here and "If anyone puts mustard on my stuff, I'll beat them" there, and then Dustin announces that the implicated mustard must have come from the storage room, because the one in the fridge is "still factory-sealed." Eric congratulates Dustin on his CSI work.
Time to pick players for the Veto Competition. The wild card players are Zach, Jessica, and Nick. Kail's like, "I'm fucked." Eric will be hosting the game, which will start in an hour.
Turns out that's plenty of time for psychological warfare. In the kitchen, Dick tells Kail that, the way she tried to sell out Jen, he could never trust her (as though, until that happened, he was still on the fence about her), and that he'll be doing everything he can to get rid of her. "You don't have to tell me, I know," Kail sing-songs. Seeing his first volley fail, Dick pouts.
Some short length of time later, Jen is going to the pantry when Kail warns her not to talk to Dick before the competition because he's going to try to psych them out. Jen takes the advice, and enters the pantry followed by Dick, who informs her that Kail tried to "sell [her] under the bus" to him. "There's nothing to sell me on," says Jen, perhaps confused by Dick's mixed metaphor. He explains that Kail wanted him to have everyone vote for Jen, to which Jen's like, "...Oh," because...obviously. Dick smugly advises her not to do anything to save Kail, in light of this revelation, but Jen -- now confused by the idea that she'd act out of something other than self-interest -- says she's going to be playing in the Veto Competition to save herself. On his way out, Dick adds that Kail had asked him not to tell Jen that she'd said it, but fuck her, she needs to go. Which, of course, makes Dick just as untrustworthy as Kail, not that he would ever see it that way.
Still not having gotten the conflict climax he's been searching for, Dick comes out to the kitchen to have it out with a bunch of other people watching, announcing to Kail that he told Jen about their conversation the night, except that he characterizes it as Kail saying she had no one in the house and wasn't a threat to him, which...is actually fairly accurate, and also kind of...obvious? Like, I don't know why Dick thinks this is going to shock anyone. Anyway, Kail still denies it, and Dick gets all finger-pointy with her, saying that he wasn't even going to fuck with her today, but she invites it because she just really needs to go. And then he punches her in the eye and says she made him do that, too. Well, not quite. But you get the idea. Once he's fully vented his spleen, Dick stomps out of the room, and Jen tells Kail, "I don't care." "That didn't happen," says Kail, but she's clearly rattled.
In the fairy-tale bedroom, Jen comments on how intimidated Kail must be by all Dick's Dickstrionics...whereupon the Dick in question stomps in and says she knows he's not lying about Kail. Jen's like, "Sure. QUIT TELLING ME."
Out in the kitchen, Kail tries not to cry as she says she couldn't stop shaking, and that she's just hoping she can hold it together for the Veto Competition.
After the commercials (including one in which Bayer Aspirin is endorsed by...Ty Pennington? Because he gives people headaches?), Eric comes in wearing a Mad Hatter get-up, and says that the Veto players have costumes to wear. The Mad Hatter theme doesn't really have anything to do with the actual competition, except that the players are all wearing oversized top hats. Each player has to stand on a little pedestal, balancing a glass on his or her hat. If anyone steps off the pedestal or knocks the glass off the hat, they're out. About fifteen seconds into the competition, Kail loses. She shrugs morosely, and with Dick smugging after her, she sad-sacks that the rest of them don't need to continue, since she's out. She trudges into the house, tears off her costume, and climbs into bed with the covers over her head. Buck up, little camper! Actually, don't; you're boring.
Back to the game. The other houseguests also got a bunch of asinine costumes and were sent out to try to break the competitors' composure. Daniele says that the goal of "the majority" of the non-competing houseguests was to knock out everyone except "myyyy daaaaaad," and seriously, what is it about the way she says that? I don't know, it's so deliberate, like she's not used to saying it, but also there's something whiny and defensive about it. Maybe it's just me. Anyway, Jessica thought Daniele with a moustache was too hilarious to go unnoticed, and she starts giggling and loses. Nick is , then Zach, leaving only Jen and Dick. As Eric recaps where we are, Kail re-emerges from the house and cheers Jen on. "You're going home anyway," Dick dicks, but Kail responds to Jen: "Good job, girl!" "Great job, Kail," Dick dicks. Kail calls out to Jen to ignore him, and Dick tells Jen she might as well just step down, because Kail's going home anyway. Jen: "I'm sorry, I obviously have to do this." Dick's face falls, like he wasn't expecting anything but blind obedience from THE GIRL HE NOMINATED FOR EVICTION. Dick tries again to Jedi her into giving up, but Jen is not about to, breezily saying, "I don't want to pack my bags." Dick repeats, for the 800th time this episode, that Kail is really, truly, honestly, definitely going home this week FOR SURE: "And if it's just about packing, you're an idiot." Dick really has no sense of humour at all. Jen calmly says that winning this competition is the only way she can guarantee that she won't be voted out this week. Dick: "Play the game for once. Don't be stupid. You've been stupid this entire time." Gee, I really can't imagine how Dick became estranged from his child, if this is how he talks to people when he's actually on their side. Jen isn't budging. Good for Jen.
So, more clowning. Amber makes a half-assed attempt to distract Jen, but Dustin does better, coming out in Jen's unitard and making with the nipple slips. It's funny, and Jen does react, but not enough to move her glass. Kail breaks in to DR that everyone was going after Jen, and only Mike was making any attempt to fuck with Dick. And he's not very inspired, either, mostly rolling around in the grass chewing on a baby bottle. It's more creepy than funny, really, though maybe he's trying to get Dick to look away with a violent head-jerk, like Andy used to do when he'd have staring contests with Conan. Anyway, Mike gives up and goes into the house with Kail to try new approaches. The problem is that Kail thinks the object is to make Dick laugh, which is never going to happen, because he has no sense of humour. She gives Mike a coconut bra and advises him to say things like "cucaracha," because that seems to be what's "working" with Dick. It's...what? You are no Ruth Buzzi, madam. Out on the lawn, Dick gets more and more pissed that Mike has the temerity to be in league with Kail. The coconut bra falls flat. A sensual hopping hula with grass skirt gets nothing. Mike tries spraying himself with whipped cream, which finally gets Dick to ask him, "So you wanna go on the block." Mike's like, "Whatever," and, unlike Kail, is actually convincing.
More time passes, and Mike appears in front of Dick with a feathered headdress. Dick says that what Mike is doing makes no sense: "Your alliance is OVER!" Mike says he's showing his loyalty, to the end. Dick counters that the best way to show loyalty to his alliance is to stay off the block: "At least one of you would be in here." At...least one of them will be in the house in any case, Dick. Do you understand how the game works? Mike very straightforwardly says that threats have no effect on him: "It's a game. I'm bigger than this game." Man, I wish people would say shit like that more often. But most of the time they don't actually think it, I guess. Even Mike doesn't, probably. Anyway, he tells Dick it's nothing personal (though why, I don't know; Dick's not playing on a personal level -- clearly). "You're right," says Dick, quietly losing his shit. "It's no big deal," Mike adds, as the spectating houseguests look on in shock. "It's a game. It doesn't affect me." Dick then removes his own glass and stomps off the pedestal, telling Mike he's going on the block instead. Which, other than the part about Mike getting nominated in Jen's place -- which might have happened anyway, given that Dick already thought Kail and Mike were still in league -- means that Dick did EXACTLY WHAT MIKE AND KAIL WANTED by losing the game. Even better, he did it on purpose. Dick, you're a real dumbshit. And I forget if I mentioned it before, but you really do have a face like an old man's nutsack. Please invest in some sunscreen. Mike tries to tell Dick that there are no hard feelings, and that it's just a game, but Dick -- drunk on the power he will enjoy for three whole more days -- snits, "Welcome to the block." Shut up, Dick. Mike DRs that his part in the Veto Competition showed the other houseguests he is loyal and trustworthy. Dick DRs that what Mike just did in getting himself nominated makes him dumber than Marcellas. Yeah, not quite.
After commercials, Kail cries in the DR. Oh, Jesus, she says that her future in the house is in God's hands. God's like, "I'm watching my Friday Night Lights episodes from iTunes. Also I have no problem with the gays, so quit throwing my name around."
Some other time, Nick is chilling on the bed in the HoH room, Zach watching the feed of his fellow houseguests (doing nothing interesting in the kitchen), and Jen lying on the bed. Nick asks Zach and Jen to leave, and they do. Scintillating, no? Well, we had to see it because once Zach emerges and comes into the kitchen, Dick has to make a big fucking show of telling Zach, in front of everyone, not to go in the HoH room when Dick isn't there. GOD how I hope Zach gets the HoH so that he can rub this moment in Dick's face. Anyway, Zach's like, "I was just hanging out with Nick, but okay," and at the sink, where he's washing dishes with Amber, Dick hisses, "I'm fucking furious," and goes on a tear about how they're talking strategy in the very sanctity of his own HoH room -- which, again, he's acting like it's going to BE his forever. Dick chucks dishes around for a few seconds, and then tells Amber to go up there and get the key back from Nick: "Or would you like me to?" "No, you can," says Amber politely (hee hee hee), so Dick does. Per usual, Dick tries to pick a huge fucking fight with Nick, but he can't really get it up, and after a moment, Nick leaves the room himself. Dick DRs that he thinks Nick is in an alliance with Jen and Zach.
Outside, Nick is continuing to enjoy his beer in the hammock when Dick comes out, making a big passive-aggressive show of cleaning up so that Nick can call him over, and Dick can refuse, yelling at him again about letting Jen and Zach into the HoH room. Nick yells back that nothing happened, and then Dick has to crank it up a notch to "Superdick" as he says he's not going to have this fight in front of Kail (who's just wandered out to empty the garbage or something). God, Dick, shut the fuck up for reals. Kail takes off, and then Dick announces that he doesn't trust Nick because of this supposed alliance. Nick denies that he's in an alliance with Zach and Jen, and adds, "I like your daughter," and that it's upsetting for him because he knows she has a boyfriend. At this point, said daughter pokes her head out of the glass doors and snits, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" Once he's ascertained that she means him, Dick snits back that he's in the middle of a conversation right now. (And if I haven't said so lately: not that I ever would want to be on Big Brother with my dad, or at all, but if I were, and I came out to where he was talking to some douche he'd just met and I asked to speak to him, he...would. One of the many reasons my dad is better than Dick.) Anyway, Daniele leaves, and Dick schools Nick on the fact that he and Daniele have made themselves targets because of their relationship. He also adds the gem that he doesn't trust anyone in the house entirely -- INCLUDING DANIELE. Lovely.
Up in the HoH room, it's time for Daniele's papal audience. She finds about sixteen different ways to screech at Dick that his paranoid rantings are pissing off everyone in the house, and that there's been some blowback onto Daniele herself. Dick decides this is a good time to take Daniele's emotional issue and turn it into a question of gameplay, asking why she didn't tell Dick about Nick's alliance. His voice actually breaking, Dick says that Daniele's relationship with Nick is complicating Dick's game, and Daniele's. She says she doesn't tell Nick everything, and that she is observing important developments in the game. Dick tells her that he doesn't even like to talk to her about Nick because she gets "like this," and Daniele wearily says that she doesn't want to talk about that. Dick says that he thinks they should talk about everything, and Daniele throws up her hands and says that she won't hang out with Nick anymore, then, because she doesn't want to fight about it with Dick. They argue about which of them is talking down to the other, and Dick says that this is their whole communication problem in a nutshell. He down-talks, "How. Do. You. Want me to approach you?" "However you want," spits Daniele, defeated. She squeaks that he's always like this, and stomps out in a huff, leaving Dick to hurl a pillow, because he's bad-ass like that.
Later, Dick comes over to Daniele in the yard and tells her that, when they're out of the house, he'd be willing to go into family counseling with her to work on their communication problems. She poutily says, "Okay," but it doesn't really sound like she's going to be looking into it.
And then, later, Dick talks to Eric, Jameka, and...Jessica? Doesn't matter -- he says that Nick is a threat to him because of his relationship with Daniele. Knowing that Dick wouldn't do anything against Daniele (I'm not sure I know that, or even that Dick does), Nick knows he gets "two for one." The conversation is intercut with shots of Nick and Daniele flirting in a bedroom as Dick muses that he might put Nick up in Jen's place. Whatever.
Jen does some pre-Veto Meeting blah blah-ing and then calls everyone in. She invites Kail to say why Jen should veto Kail, and Kail replies that she would never dream of asking her to. Jen then asks herself why she would use the Veto on herself, and comes up with the answer that she would be stupid not to. Everyone snickers about Jen talking to herself, and then Dick gets up to name Jen's replacement, saying that he's going to do something unexpected: "For my replacement nominee, Daniele, I'm gonna nominate...Mike." If this was supposed to be some hilarious fake-out, it kind of falls flat, because Daniele has no reaction, and everyone else just laughs. Mike cheerfully takes his seat to Kail, and Jen ends the meeting.
Mike wasn't surprised by Dick's nomination. Dick says that Mike was an idiot. Kail hates being nominated opposite Mike, the one really trustworthy person in the house. And Nick, for his part, says that Dick is starting to piss some people off, and needs to look out. He's definitely pissing me off.