Washing Their Hands Of Gerry

Saturday. Previously on Big Brother 3: Amy put Chiara on the block, but it was totally not about revenge. It was about hate. Ah, pure, unspoiled hate -- how I ache to be in your presence always. Kiki railed against the injustice of Amy's return, which, coincidentally, was also hate-related. (It's really a shame those two never learned to appreciate how much they have in common. They should have done their nails together or something.) Roddy drew Amy into his pulsating green globule of evil influence, and she went willingly, throwing daisies all along the way. She nominated him alongside Kiki, but she apologized for doing something so very, very wrong. Roddy was all over Danielle's puppetmastering, no matter how hard she tried to wash off the scent of wickedness. In even more news involving the Mysterious Power Emanating From That Infernal Bald Spot, Roddy seduced Marcellas into a new alliance that appears to have no purpose except to make Marcellas feel like the prettiest girl in school. Gerry literally slid his way to the power of veto (covered with baby oil, mind you), but eventually he dropped the medallion back in the box and decided to skip it after all. Kiki was sent packing, blubbering her way to Julie Chen and into obscurity. Or so we all hope. Jason won the world's speediest HoH competition, and Danielle saw it all falling into place.

Blue-and-white Kiki is evicted. Again. The somber Chimes of Heartbreak bong in the background as Roddy voices over that he and Kiki were such good buddies, he almost hated to have to tell her he didn't want anything to do with her once they were out of the house. Amy -- still sucking so hard on her bitterness and jealousy that you can almost hear her teeth cracking -- says patronizingly, "I'm sorry, it's a game, and it's not Love Connection." Amy is, in that annoying way people sometimes have, both right and full of it. In other words, she's saying something true, but she doesn't actually believe it. "It's a game" is not why she sat on her bed spitting, "I want her out," or why she told everyone how "offended" she was that Kiki lasted longer in the house than she did. When you're on the upswing, it's a game. When you're in a downturn, it's all about taking your personal issues for a walk and letting them poop on everyone else's lawn. I am not happy about Amy being back in the house. Really, really not.

More Kiki-eviction weeping. On her way out the door, it seems, Kiki turned to Lisa and said, "Why didn't you vote for me?" And now the people at Merriam-Webster, like they don't have enough problems deciding how many E's to put in "Eeeeeeeee!", will have to erase whatever the old definition of "nerve" in the "some nerve" sense was, and replace it with what Kiki just did. Chiara screws Lisa, lies about it, gets caught...and now wants to know why Lisa didn't vote for her? Excuse me, Kiki -- telephone for you. It's your karmic loan officer, and he's come to collect. He brought his garnishment order and he plans to sell your car. Of course, the perfect symmetry (and near inevitability) of what Lisa did doesn't keep Lisa from sitting around weeping over how bad she feels about voting Kiki out, giving it the full "why, oh why, did I not follow the dictates of my true soul" treatment. Good grief, Lisa, she would have booted you three more times without blinking if her precious boyfriend had instructed her to. Don't get girly in the Diary Room when it's time to vote.

Danielle whines like a baby in the DR about how much she loves Kiki. Would that be the Kiki of "We'll get her in due time, Lisa" fame? Or the Kiki of "you ain't foolin' nobody, we're foolin' you" fame? Or the Kiki of "Gee, thanks for voting to keep Lisa in the house, even though I know you didn't" fame? Which of the many Kikis you've schemed against are you now preparing to boohoo about, Ms. Danielle?

Jason talks about having given Kiki a "real kiss" on her way out the door. Oh, please. In blue and white, we see what I would refer to as a megapeck, sort of a peck on the mouth that takes a half-second instead of a mere snap of the fingers. If some guy I spent seven weeks lusting after promised me a "real kiss" on my way out the door and delivered that? I would poke him in the throat with a pen. I'm just saying. Roddy laments that Kiki made the endless, meaningless, pointless hours in the Big Brother house just a little easier to bear. I'm sure the rest of the houseguests are also disappointed by her departure, in that every minute Roddy spent curled up in the hammock with her was one less minute spent discussing the rules of succession to the throne in assorted ancient monarchies or the science behind lint. Roddy insists that he really will miss her, all appearances to the contrary.

Now, Amy whines for about an hour and a half about how people are sad about Chiara leaving, and she just cannot understand why anyone is sad. After all, it's only a game. Of course, when she schemed to get rid of Chiara, it was about honor and respect and insulting people's morality, but for people who actually enjoyed Chiara at least part of the time and at least felt bad about her crying on her way out the door? Yeah, then it's supposed to be about a game. Coming from anyone besides the incredibly self-absorbed, unbelievably petty Amy, this speech she delivers about how it's a game and people shouldn't walk around like it's a funeral would probably strike me as refreshing. From her, it just makes me want to say (as Snowmobile Boy does, from time to time), "Get off my side!"

Meanwhile, a tearful Roddy (breaking out the crocodile tears, in my opinion) asks Jason to open his bag, because he knows that Chiara left him her "woobie," the security blanket she's had since childhood. Hmm, to send Kiki off with one last "leaving a trail of bedding everywhere you go" joke, or no? Nah. He goes on quite a bit about how touched he was that she left the blanket for him, and how wonderful a gesture it is, and how now he thinks it was "absolutely beautiful." Now he's "proud that he got to be part of her life." Hmm, to send Kiki off with one last "being part of her life isn't that valuable, according to the rules of supply and demand" joke? Nah.

Danielle cries in the Big Bed Room. She says in the DR that she feels "like crap," and "loved" Chiara. I remind you yet again of "we'll get her in due time." Right after she says that she loved Kiki, Danielle moves along to how she "had Roddy by the balls" and could have had him out of the house, and she missed her chance because she fell for Amy's silly and stupid display of spite and voted out Kiki. Yep, pretty lame. I still don't entirely understand why Danielle did that. We see blue-and-white Amy telling Danielle, "I want her gone real bad." Gee, Amy, it's just a game! What are you all upset about?

Amy whines some more in the Diary Room. "I have to pretend like ah care," she moans. "And ah don't." Again, if she were a different sort of person herself, that might be funny. As things stand, it's just petulant and absurd. No one demands that you care about her own personal struggles, after all, more than Amy.

Elsewhere, Lisa feels bad about Kiki, too. Despite the fact that Chiara voted to evict her, somehow Lisa still feels like she should have voted for Kiki and been "bigger" about it and been more "forgiving." Of course Marcellas -- who would never allow his personal feelings to get in the way of his keeping his head in the game -- speaks contemptuously in the Diary Room about people who would scheme to get what they want and then cry about it later. Oh, please, I BEG you. Hold on to that moment, that Marcellas comment, for a while. How disgusted he was that Lisa would do something rotten and then cry all over herself about it. Because Marcellas, you know, would never. In the Big Bed Room, Marcellas snots to Lisa and Danielle that Kiki "did [everybody in the house] dirt," so it's fine that she's gone. Gosh, Marcellas, you mean if somebody treats you poorly, they don't deserve to stay on the show? If there's room in whatever pocket you put that last remark into, kindly slip that one in there, too.

The Danielle Countdown does what I thought was impossible and becomes even more annoying. Danielle says, "Four down, plus one friend; five to go." Oh, please. You're the one who pulled the strings on a whole parade of puppets, there, Geppetto, so don't pretend you have regrets.

Blue-and-white Jason wins HoH. Danielle is extremely happy that Jason won. She doesn't say this, but the reason she's glad he won is, quite frankly, that she knows he's not smart enough to nominate her, which is what he should do. He should put up Danielle and Roddy. Will he? No. He'll do something stupid. Because Jason is not, in the long term, a strategic thinker. He's good at small-scale strategy -- making people think he's a sweetheart, getting out of minor jams -- but he's counting on Danielle for the long-term plan, and I can't help thinking it won't pay off.

Blue-and-white Roddy, Gerry, and Marcellas all say that they don't anticipate being nominated by Jason either. Speaking of the HoH, he lets himself into the room and checks out the treats. He gets, among other things, a fleece blanket made by an ex-girlfriend. It looks like white printed fleece to me, so I don't really understand how she "made" it, unless she's the foreperson at a blanket factory, but maybe I'm seeing it wrong. He's happy to be in a nicer bed, though, since it appears he's been sleeping in the Big Bed Room on a cot. For all this time? Good grief. No wonder he's been so stiff. (Rimshot.)

Danielle comes to see Jason in the HoH room, and they have a little talk. She claims that she'll support whatever he wants to do. But she tells him as she leaves that if he feels bad about Kiki leaving, he should know that just before she left, Kiki told Danielle and Lisa that Jason was a great guy, but not a strong person. So, if you've spent the last week marveling at Roddy's ability to play people's insecurities, take a moment to appreciate what Danielle just did to her "teammate" and "friend" and "partner" and all that rot. "I'll let you do what you want, but let me manipulate you by suggesting that everyone is going to think you're a wimp if you don't do what you know I want you to do." I mean, it's her right to do it, but if you think Roddy's the only person manipulating people's insecurities on purpose? Don't you believe it. Jason says in the DR that he's perfectly ready to put Roddy up -- the "gloves are off." I'm not sure what gloves it is that are off, but Jason needs some new ones to put on. With spikes and things. Gloves for fighting. Gloves for battle. Battle Gloves, Jason! Battle Gloves!

Now, in the first of several meaningless sequences, the houseguests see that they've been given a smaller table, because there are fewer of them. This means people are gradually being eliminated. Only it feels like it takes ten minutes for this point to be made. Smaller table. Fewer people. I GET IT.

up, another sequence in which you are instructed that Danielle is funny. And another sequence in which, I would add, she isn't funny. I just absolutely do not get the notion of Danielle being funny. At all. Shut up some more, Danielle.

Our random sequence relates to Jason's poker face, which is pretty much the worst one ever. It turns out that Jason has a heck of a little stutter on him when he's nervous. He also fidgets with his fingers. And plays with his hair. What's most notable about this sequence is that it reminds me that I keep meaning to give a giant hug to whoever the person is who handles the music cues on this show, because they're damn funny, and they've been damn funny all season. Here, there's a wonderful little piano riff going while Jason and Roddy are talking in the hammock (it's the one they've been using that sounds to me like the vamp from "Just a Gigolo"), and then there's an endless pause between them, and the music stops. Crickets chirp (figuratively speaking). And they sit. And then, very slowly, it starts up again. It's hard to explain, but very, very funny and very well-executed. Music Cue Person kicks ass.

Has it been mentioned lately that Jason is a complete hottie? He still is. Fidgety, but hot.

Consecutive Random Sequence #4: Amy The Drunk Pain-In-The-Ass. She yells. She stumbles around. She babbles and slurs. Look, Amy, take it from me -- a girl who's been the drunk pain-in-the-ass myself. This is not bringing out the best aspects of your personality, to say the least. This is tending to make you look quite bad, actually. And the most troubling part in this entire sequence, to me, is where Gerry comes out to the hammock where Roddy is, and tells him that he had to hide the beer Roddy got out for him, presumably so that Amy wouldn't drink it. Now, any time people you live with are hiding their alcohol from you? That's a problem. And when Amy goes on to offer Marcellas money for his beer, it gets even worse. I'm not trained to diagnose alcoholism, nor am I going to make a stab at it. But I've known enough people who could benefit from raising an eyebrow at their own drinking (including myself, when I was in college) that I feel quite qualified to advise Miss Amy that the raised eyebrow to which I refer would be entirely appropriate. And when the eyebrow bumps up against her hairline, she will have raised it far enough.

Of course, rather than take this opportunity to worry about Amy, Marcellas takes this opportunity to feel sorry for himself. What a surprise. I understand that caring for your drunk friend is no fun, but...you need to temper it with compassion. Marcellas sits down with Amy in the HoH room and tries to give her a talking-to, but he ultimately chickens out of what he needs to say. Instead of telling her, "I'm your friend, and your drinking is out of control," he tells her (and I am paraphrasing), "Strategically, you're not doing yourself any favors by being a pain in the ass because you're drunk all the time." Which is different. He also actually uses the expression "appearance of impropriety" with her, which means he has been talking to entirely too many government lawyers. Amy, in turn, feels like she isn't allowed to have any fun. This conversation meanders rather hopelessly, because neither of them is really in it with both feet. He's mostly thinking about the way her behavior negatively affects him, and she doesn't really understand what he's talking about because he isn't actually telling her, so...they're pretty much talking past each other. Pity, really.

Okay, of all the weird random segments this week, this is certainly the most unsettling. It seems Marcellas has decided that Gerry is in love with him. You see, Gerry sort of dotes on Marcellas, tells him how cute he is, and pays oodles of attention to him, and Marcellas has concluded that this actually means Gerry thinks he's hot and perfect, sexy and sublime. This is easy for Marcellas to believe, of course, because he has felt exactly the same way about himself every day of his life. ["I feel that way about Marcellas, but I feel that, were I in the house with him, I would be able to keep my hands to myself. I'm just saying." -- Wing Chun] Gerry is also persisting in his hygienically challenged habits, including sitting on Marcellas's bed such that he's got his butt on the pillow. EW. And, as if that weren't enough, he's simultaneously picking his feet. Neither of which I really think qualifies as a declaration of love, exactly, but Marcellas can believe that people would express their adoration of him in a variety of ways, I'm sure. Even stranger news, Gerry...and I know you'll think I'm making this up, but Gerry...he walks up to the shower while Marcellas is in there, and he leans on the door such that he's looking into the shower. At naked Marcellas. I swear, that move has the ring of such utter oblivion that I just cannot believe it's actually lustful. The irony is that in his incredibly misguided way, I think Gerry is trying to make Marcellas feel...at ease. I know. As I said, it's incredibly misguided. But remember how Roddy flirted with Marcellas so much, and how he propositioned him and everything? I think Gerry thinks all of this (especially the shower part and the comment he makes about being Marcellas's "old white sugar daddy") is a way of being all "cool" and "fine" and "no problem" with Marcellas being gay. It goes perfectly with the whole "cast the first stone" speech from back in the bad old days. Don't get me wrong -- it's unbelievably inappropriate. But I hardly think Gerry is in love with him. Gerry, meanwhile, tells us that he thinks maybe Marcellas is uncomfortable having a straight friend. Man, you can just start playing the Odd Couple music right here. Or maybe the theme from The Patty Duke Show. It's all very wacky. And disturbing. So maybe Patty Duke is the way to go.

Food competition time. It will surprise you to hear that the food competition is really, really boring. It's this plastic-donut obstacle course relay race thing, and it sort of feels like the worst game Chuck E. Cheese ever invented. It could not be less riveting if we were watching footage of sea sponges spontaneously rotting, or dandelions going to seed. The houseguests start out doing well, but eventually, they only nab about half the food they have a shot at for the week. They do land the "magic donut," which represents this week's "mystery prize." It turns out that this week, stepping into the corporate-weasel shoes so recently vacated by Subway, are the lovely people at Dunkin Donuts. Mmm, Dunkin Donuts. Anyway, the food (bagels, muffins, scones, those weird filled things that make my teeth hurt just looking at them) looks all right, except the Coolattas. Coolattas make me shudder, because Coolattas are seriously so sweet they rot your teeth clean through faster than you can swallow. I think that honestly, I'd be happiest about the coffee. That's as interesting as the food competition gets. Wake me up when it's all over.

Jason ponders his nominations. He's thinking about not nominating Roddy, but he wants to talk to Roddy first, and he tells this to a rather horrified Danielle. Danielle tells Jason that Roddy told her that Jason can't keep his word, as evidenced by Jason's vote against Eric when Jason had said he'd vote against Lisa. (If you followed that, you are spending too much time watching this show -- too much!) This makes Jason sad, because it's very bad to have Roddy not like you. It means he is a bad person. It means he won't go to heaven. It means girls won't fall in love with him and he won't smell nice and the sky will close up and no more flowers will bloom, ever. Or so he seems to think. Lisa confirms for Jason that Kiki and Roddy badmouthed him as untrustworthy after the Eric issue, and Jason talks about how unfortunate he thinks it is that Roddy is still bringing that up with people. (But not as unfortunate as Up With People. I'm sorry.) (Incidentally, did you know that Up With People still exists? I think that's fascinating. I am much too easily distracted.) Marcellas confirms that he, too, heard the Jason-can't-be-trusted line from Roddy. When Gerry visits Jason in the HoH, Gerry says he wants to see Jason naked in the shower. No, not really. Actually, he and Jason discuss the veto, and Gerry says that he'd be unlikely to use the veto on Roddy if Jason put Roddy up against Amy.

At this point, though, Jason makes a mammoth strategic mistake, and he calls Roddy in for a chat about why, exactly, Roddy has been saying these bad things about Jason. Because he's trying to beat you, dummy! What do you mean, "why"? Sigh. Roddy, given the opportunity to dance, foxtrots divinely as usual, telling Jason that he shouldn't believe everything he hears -- without ever actually denying having said what everyone told Jason he said. There's a lot of talk about trust and believing in each other, and things get a little fuzzy around this time, but somehow Jason ends up feeling guilty. Yeah, I don't know why, either. But he does. And then there is love and crying. So now, as is so often the case when there is love and crying, Jason doesn't know what to do. He suffers endlessly over the keys he has to choose from with the nominations, actually whispers "He's gonna win the game," and then puts the keys in the box. He weeps in the DR, talking about how hard it is and how he doesn't want to let anyone down. Jason? It's a TV show, honey. Put the keys in the damn box and get on with it already -- I'm visibly aging here. I'd like the ceremony to happen before Social Security kicks in.

Nominations, ritual, et cetera. Guess what Jason did? He nominated Gerry and Amy. Which is very stupid, in the sense that neither of them is a threat, but which isn't that bad in the sense that I'm not sure nominating Roddy was the only thing he could do that would have been smart. Gerry and Amy both take their nominations pretty well, and Jason does a reasonably good job of making it sound like he didn't nominate them out of pure, unadulterated hate. Danielle DRs that she's disappointed that Roddy wasn't put up, and that she doesn't trust him as much as Jason does. Gerry and Amy both separately express, as both nominees often do, that they doubt they'll be evicted.

Jason basically acknowledges in the DR that he choked. Heh. He says that Roddy is his friend, and he just decided not to put him up. Long story short? The kid is a soft touch. And as a soft touch, he decided to be a nice guy instead of a smart player. An interesting development.

Wednesday. Previously on Big Brother 3: Jason was bewitched, Danielle was bothered, and we were all bewildered.

Blue-and-white nominations are repeated as twangy music of Tarantino-esque tension plays on the soundtrack. A cowbell is featured prominently, which my friend The Professor would tell you is a clear indication that the background music is a Santana song. Before you know it, we're in color as Lisa congratulates Jason for following his heart and not putting Roddy up. Ooh, wicked. She's good. Jason reveals to her that he had an as-yet-unmentioned deal with Roddy, reached about five minutes before Kiki was evicted, that if one of them got HoH that week, they'd protect each other. Apparently, Kiki also told him to "take care of Roddy," which also got to him, it appears. So Jason kept his word. Danielle DRs that she, on the other hand, is horrified. In the HoH, she and Jason talk, and Jason vows that Roddy won't screw Danielle. How he can make that promise, I'm not sure, but he makes it anyway. Marcellas declares Jason to be "weak." Yes, that's the same Marcellas who sat in the hot tub with Roddy and participated in his own seduction, and who changes direction about as often as a drunken land surveyor. Shut up, Marcellas.

Amy talks some more about how sure she is that she won't be leaving, and attributes it to the high quality of her "premonitions." No, she does. It's a very mean thing to point out, but...in the DR, Amy desperately needs...a foundation garment. Or she needs to sit differently. Because the way she's sitting, garmentless, is...not good. Gerry, on the other hand, is appropriately dressed, but rather down in the dumps. He has started to realize his odds are poor, but he wants to go out swinging, if he has to go out at all. He, too, cries in the DR, saying he doesn't want to let his family down. Man, this is the week of lots and lots of crying. And here I thought last week was bad.

Lisa and Danielle talk about the very, very dangerous Roddy yet again. Danielle says that Roddy gets people to do "dirty work" on his behalf. And since Danielle throws HoH every damn week and tries to get people like Jason and Amy to throw themselves in front of trains, she should know. Gerry, too, talks about Roddy the Danger Boy, and we see blue-and-white Roddy work his mojo on poor defenseless Jason. Everyone is afraid of Roddy, and everyone wants him out.

And now, one of the stupidest houseguest activities of all time, and that is saying a lot. They've been left a bunch of unpainted garden gnomes, and they each have to paint one. Oh, this will be brilliant. It'll be like arts and crafts at Dimwit Camp. Amy calls them "du-wharfs." And that actually is funny. Slightly less funny is Amy literally chasing Marcellas around the yard to allegedly amusing hick music because Marcellas discovered that one of the gnomes came with a bottle of product-placed Citrona attached, and Marcellas has absconded with the booze before Amy can get her hands on it. And, of course, she desperately wants it. Because it's booze. And she's Amy. And so she wants the booze. It doesn't seem to occur to Marcellas that this sort of joking around might not be appropriate with a friend who appears to be a problematic drinker. Of course, he's still as good-looking as ever, so it really isn't important how he treats others, as he would surely tell you.

Then, for what I think is the first time in the history of this show, we are literally subjected to video of watching paint dry. I'm hoping it's someone's idea of irony. Marcellas loves his gnome, of course, because it is his, and it is therefore superior to all other gnomes. Why wouldn't it be? Marcellas's gnome is superior in his mind. Marcellas's ass is superior. His bald head is superior. His belly button lint is superior. He is better than you, and don't you forget it. The veto is briefly discussed, and Jason talks in the DR about the fact that he wants himself or Danielle to have it, so they can decide whether to leave things alone or whether to (suspenseful burst of tension-building music!) put someone else -- also known as "Roddy" -- up.

And now the segment in which you learn that as vain as you may be aware that Marcellas is, he's vainer than that. No, really. He stares at himself in the mirror. He hits on himself in the bathroom. I'm sure he would go home with himself, but he's already hopelessly devoted to himself, so he doesn't want to make himself jealous. In the DR, he gets up, walks over to the mirrored wall, stares at himself, and sits back down, muttering, "I'm cute. Cute, cute, cute." I'm sorry, but what the hell? He explains in the DR that staring at himself is one of his favorite ways to pass the time, because he's "never ever disappointed." Is this where I say that I really don't think Marcellas is all that good-looking? I mean, he's all right, but...he's not going to be adorning any calendars on my particular walls. Never mind, though, because now it's time for him to rag on what everyone wears around the house. I wish I liked him more, because normally, I love this sort of thing so much. Somewhere along the line, though, I've lost the ability to be amused. At any rate, there are several things he finds thoroughly hateable this week. Danielle's black-and-pink swimsuit with the skirt (which I admit I also hate), Jason's underwear (which I don't really object to), Lisa's choker (which is dorky, but inoffensive), and a pair of pleated khakis that Roddy has. I'm not nearly enough of a fashion maven to have any idea what could be so offensive about khakis. Of course, Gerry is generally so ripe for ridicule that Marcellas can barely bring himself to bother, but he does hate the gym shoes Gerry wears on the glider. You know, while he's trying to lose weight and solve one of the other things Marcellas regularly ridicules him for. Shut up, Marcellas.

The morning, it's veto competition time. Basically, all their gnomes are hung from strings in a row, and if you want to eliminate someone, you answer a question about him or her. If you answer it right, you cut the string that holds his or her gnome, the gnome breaks, and the person is eliminated. The short version of this is that if you can answer a question about someone of your choice, you can eliminate him or her from having the veto, but that's the gnomeless explanation, and a gnomeless world would be rather sad, don't you think? Anyway, Marcellas is rather horrified that his gnome, whose name is "Boo," is at risk of being broken into a million pieces. But as it turns out, Roddy and Marcellas have more in common than self-obsession -- when their gnomes drop, the gnomes survive the fall. Despite Marcellas's dramatic declarations that "Boo was in peril," when Danielle drops him, Boo just bounces on the ground. Ah, the resilience of garden gnomes. I'm sure it's a metaphor for something. It's a classic theme in literature, you know. In other news, Gerry met his wife at a nude beach. And thanks for that image, everyone. In the end, the POV goes to Jason, so presumably he can spend another day or two agonizing over whether to break the bonds of love and guilt tying him to Roddy and Danielle respectively.

We now get a funny bit with Marcellas and his gnome. As funny as it is (and I admit that it is), it goes on far, far too long. Marcellas thinks his gnome looks like himself at seventy. He thinks Boo was saved by "divine intervention." He doesn't think he'll let Boo hang around with Roddy's gnome, because Roddy's gnome is evil. Well, at least Roddy's gnome is ugly, which is the same thing in Marcellas's mind. For some reason, there are mug shots here of Roddy's gnome, which are very, very funny. This show is stupid as all hell, but there are some pretty witty people doing some of the behind-the-scenes work, I have to say. Roddy and Marcellas provide extensive backstory in the DR about how their gnomes were once best friends, but have grown apart because Roddy's gnome turned to the dark side. It's kind of cute, actually. It's like a Lifetime movie, only with garden gnomes. ["And it's when you hear stuff like the complete life histories of their ceramic gnomes that you get an inkling of just how bored and understimulated these people must be." -- Wing Chun]

Danielle talks extensively about how much she misses her family. She cries in the DR that she's the only person who hasn't gotten pictures or a letter from home, and I'm sorry to be the one to bring this up, but that's partly because she keeps throwing HoH, which means she's picking the game over letters from home, which is perfectly okay, but then please don't sit there all wounded-fawn, unloved-bunny-rabbit about how everybody gets letters from home except you. Roddy and Lisa look sympathetic.

The morning, the Product Placement Fairy has come back to leave a load of Dunkin Donuts merchandise in the storage room. Again, the thing that looks the most appetizing, by far, is the coffee. You can keep those creepy-looking Coolattas. You could always throw one at an assailant if necessary, though. His teeth would spontaneously rot, and he would be debilitated as he rolled on the ground, clutching his jaw. That would be sort of fun. Marcellas thinks he might name his future daughter Coolatta, which I have to say is one of the poorest ideas I ever heard. Talk about getting beaten up on the playground. But I'm sure her boyfriend Frappuccino will protect her.

When they've given themselves sugar highs to last until Christmas 2006, the houseguests adjourn to the living room to hear about America's Choice. As usual, they are first tortured with the horrible theme music, but then they learn that one of them will be getting a video greeting from home. They don't learn who it is yet, but everyone starts telling Danielle they hope it goes to her.

Amy and Roddy have what may be the stupidest conversation of all time, in which she claims that men and spiders have "venom" in common, and Roddy very foolishly brings up the spinning of webs "that easily fall apart." Amy just picks this up and says that men and spiders both spin webs that serve as traps. Bad move, Rod-man. Walked right into that one. She says in the DR that no one trusts Roddy. Of course, you know why that is, primarily, right? Because Danielle has been harping on it for weeks. She really has done an expert job of getting all these people just obsessed with getting Roddy out of the house. It has essentially protected Danielle from having anyone notice that probably their best strategic move would be to get her out of the house -- this is especially true of Jason, given that -- as I've said a few times -- I don't think there's a chance in hell Danielle will take Jason to the final two with her, because she knows he'd beat her. Unlike anyone else who's left in the game. She could beat Gerry, Roddy, Marcellas, Amy, or Lisa. But probably not Jason. He should have put her up. But that wouldn't occur to him, because she expertly has everyone focused on the giant threat that is the ally-less Roddy.

Marcellas talks in the DR about how Roddy has "telepathic powers" (what I would generally refer to as "voodoo vibes") that somehow get people to do what he wants. Of course, Marcellas fails to realize that all Roddy really does is let people screw themselves with their own weaknesses. Why does he flirt with Marcellas and flatter him? Because Marcellas is vain and self-obsessed and has no defense against flattery. Why does he appeal to Jason in that earnest, how-can-you-not-trust-me manner? Because Jason has a lot of difficulty looking people in the eye and telling them he disagrees with them. Why does he treat Amy in that you-suck-but-I-love-you way? Because that's what she likes and believes. Why did he treat Josh with that gentle, brotherly approval? Because approval is all Josh looks for, all day long, every day. Why did he let Chiara believe he had puppy-love feelings about her? Because that's what she desperately wants, and she doesn't think she'll ever have it. Don't get me wrong -- it's diabolical and somewhat cruel, but it's not really all that difficult to figure.

Marcellas, in a conversation with Jason in the HoH, compares Roddy to David Koresh. Which is a little much, don't you think? Danielle, eschewing the melodrama, compares him to the Devil. Albeit without the seriousness with which Marcellas compared him to David Koresh, but nonetheless.

Roddy has a sick, twisted relationship with his gnome. Highly dramatic music accompanies assorted gnome hijinks, including the appearance of the bloody gnome in Marcellas's bed. Boredom is becoming quite a problem for these people. ["I'm saying." -- Wing Chun] Marcellas says that Roddy is going crazy, because he is far too involved with his gnome. Apparently, Marcellas has forgotten all about the way he behaved when Boo was "in peril," because there has never been a more frightened mom.

And now, the story of Amy: The Girl Nobody Loves. Amy says that she sees herself as a popular source of amusement, but she has no luck with boyfriends. She loves to laugh, but she cries on the inside. "I am always the lone funny girl," she says. Marcellas -- because he is a miserable, insensitive idiot -- asks her "what's wrong with being the lone funny girl." Jesus. I suppose if you find yourself as completely fulfilling as company as Marcellas does, you wouldn't necessarily see this, but there are those who are looking for a bit more, and it appears Amy is one of them. She says, though, that she's accepted her destiny as the old lady with her dog who little kids laugh at. And this may sound strange, but that's probably not a terrible idea, in one sense. There are certain things you don't find while looking for them, you know? The Smell of the Hunt is not exactly an aphrodisiac. Hang in there, Miss Amy. Stop drinking so much, stop worrying about what everyone thinks, and stop worrying about whether the other girls in the room are getting more attention than you are. Relax. Life is long.

Time for the winner of America's Choice. Danielle wins, and everyone seems happy enough. Wow, Danielle's mom looks exactly like her. And talks exactly like her, too. Turns out this is the first time Danielle has learned that her mama doesn't have MS, which they feared at the time she came into the house. Reasonably enough, Danielle has a cry at this in the DR. Then, back in the living room, we see her hubby and girls. They're all very cute. Littler girl has apparently taken up the clarinet, and she honks on it obligingly for mom. Aw. There's nothing like a little kid honking on an instrument to choke me up. Now, husband Javier reads a letter to Danielle about how much he loves her and so forth. I'm not sure I get the thing of reading a letter onto a video -- it seems a little like sending a picture of yourself reading a poem out loud -- but Danielle is very touched, so...whatever. Danielle's family waves, and they're out. Everyone is impressed by her lovely family. Even Gerry, who lost out on the chance to see his own family, expresses happiness for Danielle that she got to see hers.

Jason and Roddy chat in the HoH. Before he decides to use the veto, Jason wants to know whether Roddy will be targeting Danielle if he should win HoH week. Roddy goes on to describe "a certain person" who he's been told has been targeting him for weeks. He describes (without naming her) how he confronted Danielle about her scheming, and how she denied it (insert blue-and-white Danielle, denying it). Roddy talks generally about how he's getting annoyed by there being people in the house who use "other people to do their dirty work for them." Because Roddy would never do that. At all. Except always. Jason says in the DR, unbelievably cluelessly, that he's concerned that Danielle might be the person Roddy was oh-so-cleverly referring to as the one trying to get him out of the house. Gee, Jason, ya think? Jason makes some more noise in the DR about how he's going to protect Danielle if he needs to, blah blah blah, and seriously, if he isn't smart enough to know that Danielle is the target of Roddy's little diatribe there, he's barely smart enough to tie his shoes without assistance.

Gerry and Danielle talk in the green bathroom chairs. Danielle sends Gerry to try to talk Jason into vetoing Amy and putting Roddy up against Gerry. Jason isn't biting. I mean, he acts like he's thinking about it, but he's not.

Hyperdramatic veto meeting. Guess what? Jason's not using it. Whatever led him to put up Gerry and Amy, he hasn't changed his mind. Man, the veto is the least-used gimmick in reality television, ever. It's pretty much just there to reduce the amount of time we have to spend watching them eat. So, I mean, that's good and everything, but it's not adding so much to the strategy. Gerry and Amy tell him that they understand.

Marcellas says that they're heading toward a Roddy and Danielle showdown. Could be, my friend. Could be.

Thursday. Previously on Big Brother 3: Amy had been cheated, mistreated, put down, pushed round, made blue, and lied to. When will she be loved? When, indeed.

Julie Chen, wearing a shirt apparently made from kitchen curtains with ribbon sewn on them, recaps the week's events.

As we slide from blue-and-white Gerry to color Gerry, he quotes Churchill as having said you can afford to lose every battle but the last one. They couldn't let him go without one last pretentious quotation, I suppose. Gerry does think he's been handicapped by the generation gap, though, which I suspect is accurate. In a particularly ugly moment, Marcellas stands with hand on hip in his white bathrobe and tells the rest of the houseguests (other than Gerry) that they should have voted people out of the house "aesthetically." Ugly people first. "Week One, he would have been gone," he spits. Why are people like that? Why does a person like Marcellas, who obviously has a measure of wit and is sensitive enough to have his own feelings badly hurt...why does he have to be like that? I will never understand it.

Gerry and Roddy talk in the hammock. They agree that given the inherent disadvantage Gerry was at in the beginning due to his age, he's done very well. They also discuss how most of the alliances of old have hit the skids, and so things constantly settle and resettle. Gerry says in the DR that he doesn't trust Roddy, and back out in the hammock, Roddy brings up the fact that he feels targeted because he's doing well in the game. Gerry points out that the perception is that Roddy is smarter than everyone else. He also then points out that this isn't the case, and Roddy comments that he wishes it were the case. There is a pause. "Did you just tell me I wasn't smart?" Roddy asks. "Yeah," Gerry says simply. They both grin. These guys are...kinda funny. Not a lot of crap between these two, and I kind of like that.

We're back to blue-and-white nominations, and then everyone starts talking about week's HoH competition, and we're into the Danielle/Roddy Clash Of The Titans sequence. We hear the two of them talk about how much they respect and fear each other (well, they're not that explicit, but that's the idea.) And then everyone else talks about what strong players they are, what a good job they do going after what they want, and basically how everyone knows only one of them is going very much farther. Most interestingly, in the hot tub, Jason tells Danielle he "never feel[s] manipulated" by her. Oh, you silly boy. Marcellas hypothesizes that either of them would put each other up, and Amy thinks that Marcellas might put the two against each other.

Julie takes us into the living room for a chat. The houseguests aren't nearly as weepy as they were when Chiara was booted. Julie asks Roddy about not being nominated this week for a change, and to no one's surprise, he likes the experience of non-nomination better than the experience of nomination. Go figure. Julie asks Roddy who he misses the most, and he says Chiara. And why? "Because her and I [sic] just became closest friends." And grammar study partners, apparently. This is the most nightmarish pronoun abuse since "I Am, I Said." (I realize that there is nothing inherently wrong with the pronoun use in "I Am, I Said," but it contains pronouns sung by Neil Diamond, and there is no greater nightmare than that.) Roddy also professes that he misses Eric, but not as much, because he left so long ago that Roddy barely remembers him. Lisa, on the other hand, misses Eric every time anyone says "Hi," I'm sure, so she continues to suffer. Julie asks if anyone misses Josh, and they all pretend they do. Nice. Then she asks them about the impending closing of the Big Bed Room to force them to keep closer quarters as their numbers dwindle. They're all very sad, because no one really enjoys sleeping on cots or with lizards. She asks Danielle what she wants to say to Javier about the looove tape, and Danielle basically says...uh, thanks.

Blah blah blah votecakes. Lisa and Marcellas say pleasant and unpleasant things about both Gerry and Amy. And we see no voting.

Time to have a wacky visit with Jason's mama and daddy. Unsurprisingly, Mama Jason says it was hard to watch him partying with a bunch of morons, especially on the live feeds -- she compares it to seeing your child live out his first days away from home in college. Well...yes, and no. I have to think most people have done wilder things in college than anyone did in this particular house. I don't think Mama Jason could have survived watching him actually attend college. And what insane, wacky clip are they showing as she says this? Jason! Dancing on a bed! With girls in the room! He sure is crazy, that Jason. thing you know he'll be sitting too close to the television and letting his face freeze that way! Mama Jason says she did find the Speedo a little embarrassing, but she seems to have survived. The best part, though, is that Papa Jason is very understanding about Kiki -- he says that she was high-energy, and that Jason was attracted to her because she was "fun." He anticipates that Jason and Kiki will stay friends. Mama? She thinks not. She understands that Kiki is a nice change from the girls Jason knows, but Mama could not be screaming her disapproval any more clearly if she were standing in the living room holding a king-size bedsheet that said "GET AWAY FROM MY KID, DIRTY GIRL" in silver spraypaint. She also thinks Jason should have put up Roddy. Heh. Dad Jason very perceptively states that Jason has used his best asset in the house -- he's so darn likeable. They miss him, Mobile loves him, and so forth. Yay, Jason.

Jason's HoH private interview goes much like everyone else's, with a few exceptions. He actually manages to say something interesting, because he truly believes that Roddy is his ally, and has protected him in the past. Which I don't think happened. For instance, Jason believes that when Gerry was HoH, Gerry wanted to put Jason up, and Roddy convinced him not to. WHAT? Oh, dear. Gerry was so focused on the couples' alliance at that point, I don't think he would ever have nominated anybody else. And why would Jason take Roddy's word for that? Man. I admit, this particular HoH interview was worthwhile. Who knew Jason was this dippy? I mean, this kind of dippy, and to this extent? Also, Jason's hair has weird highlights. Shut up, Jason's hair.

Again with the voting. Roddy and Danielle talk about their votes, and it's all supposed to sound vaguely ambiguous, and once again, we don't see any actual voting.

Oh, look. It's Eric. He's found his way back to the firehouse, where he is hanging around with his buddies and supposedly thinking about Lisa. We get to see some green-and-white vintage quasi-porn as Eric explains that the guys in the firehouse were glad to hear that it wasn't just a fling with Lisa. I would think the guys in the firehouse might have liked to hear the opposite, but what do I know? In trying to explain exactly what went on between himself and Lisa, Eric comments, "We familiarized ourselves with each other's body." Lovely. Hell with plurals! This is true love! We share a body! One body! And a damn good body it is, too! He talks about how sad he was when he left the house, because he wasn't sure she actually liked him, as opposed to pretending to like him for strategic reasons. (Happens to me all the time.) Furthermore, he wasn't too thrilled when she actually voted not to let him back in the house, but he insists all is forgiven. Mostly because it wouldn't have mattered, which is interesting. It seems strange to condition whether he's going to be understanding about the implications of strategy based on something that has nothing to do with Lisa -- namely, how everyone else voted. He does say, in the end, that he understands. Eric at the fire station, and Lisa in the DR both say that they look forward to a little quality time once they're out of the house.

Julie goes to talk to Gerry and Amy. Amy insists that she's not bothered by being nominated. This is her third time up -- she says that she knew she was leaving last time, so it was a little different. Asked to give her final thoughts to the other houseguests, she chooses to say happy birthday to her dog. No, really. And you just know he's back at home in a little hat. You know it. She's turning into the neighborhood crazy lady even sooner than expected. Gerry makes a weak "nominated, but would really rather not run" joke, and you can see on his face that he knows he's going. He says some nice things to the dickheads who have been battering him silly for the last six weeks or so, and then he's done.

And it's time for the eviction at last. Apparently, the producers decided that Gerry hasn't been enough of a punching bag yet, because they choose this week to play the game where Julie says, "By a vote of four to nothing...AMY...you can unpack your bags! Gerry, you are evicted!" You know, I get the need for twists as much as anyone, but to pick this particular guy, who's been subjected to so much personal abuse...it does seem a little like piling on. I don't know whose call that was to use that technique this particular round, but...they could have given the guy a damn break. At any rate, Gerry is evicted, and graciously stands up to leave. Marcellas -- self-righteous bastard to the end -- ignores Gerry's effort to put an arm around him, acting thoroughly bored by the whole thing. Gerry bids them all farewell, and he heads out the door. He crosses the yard, reaches Julie inside the studio, and puts his bag down.

Back inside, for whatever reason, Marcellas is boohooing all over himself. I have no idea why that is, but he ought to fucking stop it. Remember that crap he was spouting about fifteen pages ago about doing something rotten to someone and then crying about it? Yeah, me too. Shut UP, Marcellas. They all discuss how freaky it was when Julie gave Amy the fake-out. Roddy: "Marcellas was like, 'Who hired Enron's accountants?'" Heh. That was a little funny.

Back in the studio, Gerry says he's all right. He quotes Hamlet, which certainly has that painful air of inevitability, and then he says he sometimes felt like an outcast. Probably because of the relentless ostracizing, I'm guessing. But I'm no psychologist, no, sirree! He goes on to say he was ready to leave, so he feels lucky to go back to his family and his job and such. Back to school time! Julie asks what Gerry thinks of Jason for the nomination situation. Gerry opines that he's not angry at Jason for believing Gerry to be a threat. A threat? Oh. Right. That's why Jason nominated you, there, Gerry. Not at all because you were the easiest target. Oy. Gerry also says that Jason might regret trusting Roddy. Yeah, no foolin'. Julie asks about the weight loss, of course, and Gerry talks about how difficult it was being in the house with all these gorgeous young bods. He does not, fortunately for them, mention how mercilessly they abused him over it, which is pretty generous of him, if you ask me.

Gerry's goodbyes are about what you would expect -- relatively sterile, not terribly friendly, but overtly respectful. All except for Lisa. Lisa has this to say: "What I really have to say to you, and what I really have to say to Eric, is that I'm sorry...that I didn't have the pleasure of putting you up this week." And that is just not necessary. I know she's bitter, I know she's projecting the guilt she feels for not voting to bring Eric back...but honestly? When you know the guy will hear it when he's just been evicted? That's just being small and mean. And it has nothing to do with strategy, and nothing to do with playing a game. It's small and mean. And it changed my opinion of Lisa quite a bit, in just those few seconds. When the videos are over, Julie asks Gerry who he's rooting for, and he offers Danielle. Gerry is reunited with his children, and then he fortunately gets to go far, far away from these petty morons.

For now, it's time for HoH. This week's competition involves answering a series of True/False questions about what evicted houseguests had to say about those still in the house. They're the usual boring questions no one really cares about, and they cast no light on anyone's personality. When all is said and done, Marcellas is HoH. You will be shocked to hear that he takes the opportunity to talk himself up, going on about how he's the first person to win HoH twice. Well, pin a rose on your nose, Marcellas. And also? Shut up.

Who will Marcellas nominate? Will Amy ever stop drinking? Will Julie Chen ever eat the sandwiches I've been sending? Tune in time for the answers to these and other burning questions.