Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Saturday. Previously on Big Brother 3: The overly pretty Roddy/Chiara and Eric/Lisa couplings endeavored to make the entire house their personal Fort Lauderdale Spring Break, while the Danielle/Jason alliance made secret plans to have the whole thing busted up by the cops. A surprising Gerry/Josh confederacy of dunces began to emerge from the mists of inevitable doom, as they both realized that an ally you look forward to screwing later is better than no ally at all. Amy and Marcellas bickered and whined their way through their week as nominees, and in an anticlimactic conclusion, Amy was unanimously booted and pretended to be very, very happy about it. In a flip of fortunes that demonstrated one of the few things about this show that is actually interesting, Eric's powerful biceps couldn't save him from his problems with math, which meant that Outcast Gerry became HoH Gerry, and the sucking up began.

Blue-and-white Rehash-o-Vision of Amy being booted. Again. We see each blue-and-white houseguest diary-room Amy's name in turn, and then the usual Requiem for an Evictee music starts up and Amy and Marcellas share one last hug. He diary-rooms about how much fun Amy was and how much he's going to miss her. (Not me. Bye, Amy!) Gerry reports that he started to "well up" at Amy's departure. Gosh, considering how eerily chipper she was about it, Gerry, I can't imagine why. "What matters," Chiara intones with a labored mix of compassion and gloating, as if she is announcing the names of the girls that the cheerleading squad is not inviting to join, "is that when she walked away, she walked away with no enemies, but only friends." She chooses not to add what she's thinking, which is, "Which isn't bad, considering that she was a boyfriend-stealer and I am way prettier than she is." Josh, looking even more scraggly and unappetizing than usual and not wearing a shirt (EW!), says that he had intended to throw Amy his vote, until he realized she was campaigning all over the house for sympathy votes. Josh demands to be the only thrill ride on the midway at your personal Carnival of Intrigue, I guess, or he just can't be bothered to nauseate the passengers at all.

As we slide to color, Chiara puts an arm around a post-eviction Marcellas and says to him, smiling, "I know how it feels." How what feels? Being saved and having your closest friend evicted? No, you don't. Being nominated in general? No, you don't. Being nominated twice in the first three weeks? No, you don't. Being the only man in America who still thinks draping a sweater around your shoulders is a good idea? No, you don't. Shut up, Chiara. Jason tells us that he hopes that the unanimous vote reassured Marcellas about the trustworthiness of the people in the house...and then Marcellas diary-rooms that he trusts no one. He yammers some more to the effect that he's sad about Amy but still glad to be in the house, and that he's "supposed to be here" and all that. Ooh, Marcellas has a date with destiny, and he's putting on his tux.

Blue-and-white Gerry wins HoH from blue-and-white Eric, and then regular Eric diary-rooms that he would have been safe with anyone else as HoH (a point on which I think he is mistaken), but with Gerry, he knows he's quite possibly up a creek. He then says, "But I just fucked up, and that's really all there is to it." You know, with all the blaming and whining and bitching that people do in this house, and with the inability that so many of them have to just suck it up and take responsibility for the part they play in sealing their own fates -- not to mention their reluctance to accept that a certain amount of scheming against them is part of the game and does not justify the gnashing of teeth as if they are being subjected to civil liberties violations at the hands of a tyrannical dictatorship -- I have to say I enjoyed hearing that.

Gerry musters every speck of gravity he can in commenting meaningfully that "the worm turns," and then of course he has to insert a quote about how "all comes to he who waits." I don't even think that's quite right, but I guess it would be very Gerry if it weren't. Anyway, Lisa diary-rooms, "I think this week is going to be nothing but pure..." I'm faked out here, because I'm sure she's going to say "payback," which would have been pretty cool, but she goes with "hell." Gerry enters the HoH room, followed closely by the other houseguests, to check out his basket of goodies. I see some popcorn, and Doritos, and I think the edge of a jar of some kind of nuts. His CD turns out to be U2's The Joshua Tree. Wow, the class of 1988 really is keeping Gerry hip to the mod tunes. He also has received a load of the Christmas cards that his family apparently makes -- from the few we can see, they appear to be those abhorrent babies-dressed-as-cherubs affairs that make me feel like punching someone right in the yuletide cheer, and now I want Gerry to be evicted just for that. "How come your kids are so cute and you're so ugly?" Josh asks. "Because my wife's fuckin' beautiful, what do you think?" Gerry snaps back. Oh, good, Gerry/Josh banter. This would be just like The Odd Couple if either of them were amusing. Or neat.

Outside, Roddy tells Danielle that he finds it a bit revolting the way Josh has managed to cuddle up to Gerry after spending a week not that long ago calling him a Nazi. Eh, what are a few accusations of being a racist, anti-Semitic, prejudiced bastard between friends? Josh diary-rooms that he doesn't know what Gerry will do, but he does know that, if nominated for eviction, Josh will indeed most likely receive the mighty boot. Gerry, in turn, says he's got no illusions: all he wants is to postpone his own departure and eventually get Josh before Josh gets him. Marcellas is totally skeeved by Gerry's alliance with Josh, too, and diary-rooms that all he wants is for Gerry to leave him, Danielle, and Jason off the block. (This is Marcellas's new alliance, you'll remember -- he doesn't know that it's actually Danielle and Jason's Secret Alliance of Extremely Secret Secrecy, to which he's been conveniently and temporarily added.) As Gerry tries out the weights in the yard, Josh diary-rooms, "I'm either controlling the puppet, or the puppet's controlling me." You know, if I were an actual puppet, I would be really offended by that comparison.

Chiara and Lisa are relaxing in the hammock, not feeling too confident about the nomination process. Kiki takes a shot at reassurance with a comment that reaffirms that she has absolutely no clue what's going on: "If Gerry puts us up, he's fuckin' fried." Okay. First of all, nitwit, if Gerry puts you up, nobody in your hideous little cabal is going to be any more firmly set against him than you are right now, and he knows it, because with the exception of Roddy, you've all been treating him like rotten meat twenty-four hours a day for three weeks, which you have done exactly because you're not smart enough to think this far ahead. ("This far" being "one step.") Second of all, if he puts two of the four of you up and is willing to replace one of you with another one of you in case of veto, one of you is going out, period. And then there will be three of you, and five people who are not you. Quite honestly, Skunky Brewster, the minute Gerry won HoH, your hideous little cabal ceased being some kind of Überclique of Inevitability, and you're just going to have to deal. You are not an avenging superhero, so take off the sequined bustier and disembark from the invisible jet already. Ahem.

Jason and Gerry talk in the kitchen. Gerry says he'd like to hear Jason's thoughts if Jason wants to share any, and Jason aw-shuckses that he'd love to just sit down and shoot the gol-durned breeze if Gerry really thinks that little old him might have anything useful to say. Now that I know what a smoothie Jason really is, I must say that watching him play the clueless cutie-pie is very entertaining. His shirt, on the other hand, has such an aggressive little microcheck pattern that it makes the TV vibrate. Do me a favor -- if you ever go on a reality show, do not wear teeny prints. As if their sheer upholstery-like qualities weren't enough, they create technical difficulties. "I know you're going to do a great job," Jason says cheerily. Hee.

Chiara whines in a way she obviously thinks is endearing (not) that the one person she didn't want to win was the person who won. Boo hoo. She calls Gerry "a loose cannon" in terms of the nomination process. A loose cannon? There are only eight people to choose from, and he has to nominate two of them. It's not like he's going to throw a wrench into the game by nominating Bill Moyers and Iron Chef French. Chiara and Danielle yap in the storage room, and Danielle promises that she will support Kiki with her vote and, if necessary, a veto. They hug, both checking each other's backs for convenient spots into which a knife could be plunged. Danielle diary-rooms that Chiara trusts her and is a good ally for her, so she can stay, for now. Kiki, snowed like Mount Rainier, goes and tells Roddy about this conversation with Danielle, apparently now very secure that she isn't at risk. Roddy seems a trifle suspicious, and he diary-rooms that Gerry has to know that if he found himself in the final three with Roddy and Chiara, they would certainly "gang up on him," so Roddy still suspects that he and the Duchess of Dim are possible targets. Roddy, of course, has a deal with Gerry from last week, presumably making him safe for the moment. Indeed, Gerry brings the Rod into the HoH room and tells him that the deal is on and he is safe. And then, in my favorite part, he says, "Do you want Chiara safe, too?" Roddy tells Gerry that he really likes Chiara, he's attracted to her, but...frankly, he's not out to protect her in the context of the game. Furthermore, she's made it clear that for strategy purposes, her allegiance is to the women. I have to say that whether he gives a crap about her or not, this is probably the only thing you can do in this situation. The only chance you have is to draw the line and draw it dark. Game here, looove over there. Bang, zoom, end of story. Similarly, out by the hot tub, Eric explains to Josh that he doesn't have any particular allegiance to Lisa in terms of the game, so if Lisa goes, she goes. Again, I don't tend to see this as scummy in the slightest; draw the line between the love and the game, or you'll actually wind up screwing up both.

Tanning segment. Boobs, pecs, butts, legs, arms, oil, spray bottles, suspicious moles, wrinkles, skin cancer. Congratulations, nimrods, call me when you're raisins.

Duckball! You see, it turns out that being in the Big Brother house is often very, very boring. (They should try watching themselves.) It also turns out that Marcellas brought to the house with him three little rubber duckies, which he likes to leave floating in the pool. The other houseguests, however, prefer to use them for a new game that's sweeping the nation -- okay, the yard -- that its devotees refer to as "Duckball." Basically, Duckball involves tossing the ducks from a distance and trying to hit a bucket. Duckball is not exactly up there with the NCAA tournament, in terms of sheer excitement, but I suspect that once you have spent a full month contemplating your own navel, you've pretty much learned all you're going to about it. Roddy does explain that they've developed "the International Federation Rules of Duckball." Hee. Although I'd like to be able to make fun of Duckball, I am reminded that I recently spent a weekend with some friends during which we played monkey-in-the-middle for forty-five minutes. No, really. Forty-five minutes. So mine is not to judge. I also think it's interesting that none of the women seem to play Duckball, and it makes me wonder whether this kind of stupid activity is the reason why a statistically significant majority of my friends are guys. If I were stuck in this house, I would be all over Duckball. Anyway, Marcellas sort of bitches about the ducks being used for sport, and although it's sort of funny, it's also the same thing he's been doing for about the last four weeks, and it's starting to look more whiny than snarky.

In case that bit of Marcellas being disgusted with everyone wasn't enough for you, it's now time for the Marcellas-Is-Disgusted Home Run Derby. He comments that "these people are nasty," and then we have to see a whole series of guys -- Josh, Roddy, Jason -- clipping their nose hairs in the mirror. Marcellas compares it to a Discovery channel chimp documentary. Heh. Of course, in fairness, having a camera embedded in the bathroom mirror makes everyone look a little more obsessed with the minutiae of their own appearance than they otherwise would seem to be. I would not want to see the footage from behind my bathroom mirror. Among other things, you would see me make The Face, and you do not want to see me make The Face. Marcellas objects most of all to the copious grooming and other miscellaneous maintenance that the various people in the house do not to themselves, but to others. I'm going to try to forget that they show women plucking men's chest hair and popping their zits along here, because EW! I'm sorry, that is a little too much closeness, in my opinion. I'll make dinner, I'll iron the occasional shirt and only make fun of you slightly for not being able to do it yourself, I'll help with the stupid pun answers in the Sunday crossword, I'll give you a ride to the airport at five in the morning if you don't mind the fact that I will still be in my pajamas, I'll bring you soup and DVDs when you're sick, I'll pretend your friends are funny when they quote Austin Powers for the twelfth time in the same conversation, I'll occasionally lie to your mom on your behalf as long as it's nothing really mean, and I'll buy you the People magazine "Best and Worst Dressed" issue so that the guy at the 7-Eleven with the snake tattoo doesn't know you read it, but you can pluck your own freaking ingrown hairs and pick at your own infected tissue. Good God, people, would boundaries absolutely kill you?

"It's almost instinctive for women to groom and nurture and take care of their man," Eric says as Lisa plucks or picks something on his chest. How the hell would he know? It's almost instinctive for me to come over there and nurture your skull with a lamp right about now, Steamed Muscles, so how about THAT?

Marcellas responds to all of this misdirected vanity by suggesting gang facials for the boys. He refers to this as "staging an intervention." Jason, Roddy, and Eric all agree to participate. Jason is particularly adorable because in order to avoid getting clay in his hair, he rolls a bandana into a headband and winds up looking almost exactly like several girls I went to summer camp with. In the diary room, Josh declares Roddy to be a "man's man" like Josh himself (eck), but then when Roddy gets into the mask-shmearing, Josh changes his mind. "I have no dignity, and I'm going down hard!" Roddy yells. Good grief, darling, have you just now figured that out? Way to pay attention. Jason, Eric, and Roddy now pay a group visit to the diary room, where Roddy reports that Josh avoided the masks because he's "the smartest guy in the house." Jason, however, opines that Josh simply isn't as secure in his masculinity as the rest of them. Truthfully, if you were Josh, and you were spending the summer walking around shirtless with Roddy, Eric, and Jason, how secure could you possibly feel? Marcellas rescues his darlings from the diary room and gets them ready to go rinse, because they're "cracking." Roddy wants to know whether he's speaking cosmetically or emotionally. Heh.

Lisa and Eric make out under the covers. Chicka-wocka-chicka-wocka, and so forth. At one point, mid-smooch, Eric stops and says "hi" to Lisa. She starts crying, because she thinks he has suddenly come down with amnesia, doesn't remember who she is, doesn't remember who he is, doesn't know he's on a reality show, and doesn't know the things a really smart guy has to know, like state capitals. No, not really. She starts crying because she has this thing about having always wanted a guy who will stop the proceedings and say "hi" to her. (Yeah, I...don't really get it either.) So Eric has sort of hit the lotto, or possibly the opposite of the lotto, depending on your perspective. Lisa says she can leave happily now -- "I now know why I was put in the house." Eek. It would appear that what has happened to Eric here is that he has inadvertently flipped one of the little red switches inside Lisa's head. That could be good, or it could be bad, of course, depending on how he's feeling. To mix my metaphors horribly, inadvertent switch-flipping can be a major cause of drowning for a guy like Eric, because a second ago, he was in knee-deep water, and all of a sudden he's in up to his neck. Good? Bad? Depends on how you're enjoying the swim, I suppose. Lisa says she "felt like a princess in a storybook." I think she is reading some very boring stories. ("Once upon a time, a princess met a prince. 'Hi,' he said. The End.")

And now it's time for the story of Eric and Roddy: Two Guys. Because that's who they are. Two guys. And that's basically what the segment is about. Two guys work out. Two guys talk about chicks. Two guys talk about kicking each other's asses. Two guys smoke cigars. Thank you for watching Eric and Roddy: Two Guys.

Roddy does his impression of an Italian Jersey gym rat, and...okay, that's pretty funny. The highlight is when we see all the houseguests in the diary room do their takes on the big "Woo!" that Roddy tacks on the end of this impression. Danielle: "Woo!" Jason: "Woo!" Chiara: "Woo!" It's not a moment of high comedy, but when a show is as bad as this, even just three or four people in a row shrieking "Woo!" has a way of infusing it with a visceral burst of energy when nothing else good is happening. Which it isn't. So feel free, the time you become bored during the show, just to yell, "Woo!" You'd be surprised how much it helps.

The houseguests split into two teams for the food challenge, which is about as cerebral as usual. This week's challenge involves which team's members can win a series of head-to-head challenges in which you bid on how many of a particular unpleasant food you can eat in two minutes. It's like backwards Name-That-Tune -- "I can eat six," "I can eat seven," and so forth. The first pair to face off are Chiara and Lisa. The food over which they are facing off is Brussels sprouts. Chiara wins the bidding at twelve sprouts in two minutes. (I can't help pointing out that it would have been a better challenge if they hadn't been allowed to drink water, because it's sort of a famous bar bet among my friends that you can't eat six saltines in a minute if you don't have water, which nobody ever believes until they attempt it.) Chiara tries, but comes nowhere near twelve in two minutes. Where does she stop? Seven. Know your limits, Chiara. Know. Your. Limits.

And now, this week's lesson in what goes around coming around. See, during this episode, there was horrible severe weather in my area and the possibility of tornadoes, so of course what was at the top of my mind was the potential for this to affect my viewing of the food challenge. Indeed, just as Chiara failed to finish the sprouts, my local CBS station cut to a very boring man who spoke very slowly to tell us all that a storm...is...moving...closer. So I missed the part of the show. Fortunately, I had a favor banked, in the form of Shack, whose viewing of the very first episode ofAmerican Idol was similarly interrupted for a weather warning, and for whom I recapped a short chunk of show in a very special guest appearance. So here, in a very special guest appearance, is our very own Shack.

Shack: The match-up is Jason versus Josh, pitting the virgin against the...you know, I refuse to complete a sentence that creates the suggestion that Josh has shared intimacies with any other creature on this great green earth. The challenge: eating Twinkies. No, really. On Fear Factor, contestants eat aborted duck fetuses in order to win a tenth of this show's payoff. And if you think I'm exaggerating for comic effect, then consider yourself very,very lucky. But I guess the Philippine Aborted Duck Fetus Company (a subsidiary of Phillip Morris) didn't want to spring for the product placement. So it's Twinkies. Strangely, Josh regards the tray as if it's filled with aborted duck fetuses anyway. In the Diary Room, he says something about not liking to gorge himself on food, but I refuse to recap anything that Josh says when he doesn't have a shirt on. Put a shirt on, Josh. Put a shirt on, Josh! PUT. A shirt. ON! NOW!

Josh opens the bidding at five Twinkies in two minutes. Jason raises to six. Josh sneers seven. Jason raises to eight. Josh doesn't think that's possible and calls Jason's bid. Jason seems up to the challenge. The whistle blows, and Jason starts snorking down the sugar- and lard-filled "cakes" like an eight-year-old who has been triple-dog-dared. Josh is trying to trash-talk Jason by...uh...encouraging him to "shove 'em down your throat." You'd think that skeezeball would be better at trying to psych out opponents. On second thought, no. On third thought, of course not, what was I thinking. And Jason stuffing phallic symbols in his mouth while Josh coaches him to deep-throat creates the sort of mental image that causes me to go straight. And then blind. And then die. Eventually, Jason starts shoving them in two and three at a time, and reaches his goal in the allotted time. The blue team is up two to zero.

up is Danielle versus Eric. Gerry reveals the challenge food as jalapeo-stuffed olives. Danielle's team starts celebrating at the news. Danielle shouts "Bring it on!" about fifty times. In the Diary Room, Danielle explains that Eric hates olives, while she loves them. Everybody outside acts like they knew this, so you can only assume that the show's producers knew it as well, so feel free to go "hmmm" at your own convenience. Danielle's opening bid is ten olives. Eric raises to twelve. Danielle raises to fifteen. Eric calls her bid. Now according to the Big Book of Reality Show Clichs, what should happen is that Danielle fails the challenge miserably and embarrassingly. But no, Danielle easily scarfs down all fifteen olives with plenty of time left over. So the red team is finally on the board, but still trails blue, two to one.

Okay, back to me. Thanks, Shack! Have fun with Simon! Tell Justin I said he sucks! And has bad hair! And isn't even Dean Cain, let alone Dean Martin! Anyway, the (and last) challenge pits Marcellas against Roddy, and the food is...deep-fried chicken livers! Marcellas just about drops his teeth at the word "livers," but he gamely gets in there and does his best. Roddy eventually challenges him to eat five of what Roddy calls "bile-filtering livers," which is a little bit funny and wicked, and that's why I can't completely resist Roddy. Marcellas looks like he couldn't even stand to smell five of these livers, let alone actually eat five of them. "It was truly my nightmare on a plate," he says. But he plunges in anyway. "It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me," Marcellas moans in the diary room. Oh, come on, now, Marcellas. I doubt that. The long and the short of this segment is that, with lots of encouragement and cajoling, as well as Chariots of Hot Plates music on the soundtrack, Marcellas gags his way through the chicken livers and earns the love and respect of his teammates. He actually shows a lot of determination here, because he really does not want to eat this stuff. So it's a good moment for him. He literally takes it right down to a last minute gag with "actual vomit in [his] mouth," but he makes it. He is very traumatized, but everyone loves him. Isn't that nice? Danielle, of course, is pissed, because she has to eat peanut butter and jelly again.

More of Eric talking in his sleep. My local station is running a crawl across the bottom of the screen listing the lucky counties that are about to be blown into Wisconsin, so some of the time, I can't actually see the yellow subtitles that translate what Eric is saying -- you'd be surprised how much you miss the yellow subtitles when you don't have them. My favorite part is when Josh reveals that at one point, Eric whistled in his sleep and said, "Now it's time for singing and dancing!" Man, I hope that's true. I mean, I hope it's true that Eric said it. I don't really hope it's time for singing and dancing, because I think it's safe to say we've all suffered enough without being subjected to Gerry's rendition of "Stout-Hearted Men," accompanied by Chiara jumping around and thrusting her pelvis all over the place. Anyway, we see Eric in night-vision-land with Lisa, jabbering on about a wide variety of things, but nothing as good as "my tough toes tingle," in my opinion. At one point, Lisa gets wigged out because Eric says something in his sleep that sounds threatening to her, and she deserts the bed in a panic. He eventually talks her down, and all is well. You know, of all the non-dramatic non-wrenching non-crises we've seen so far, I think the Great Sleeptalking Panic probably takes the prize for Least Compelling. And that is really saying something. How big do you suppose that trophy is?

Deeee, da da da deeee...Roddy and Chiara, sitting in the hammock, liking each other. She blathers about her perfect life with perfect Roddy in the perfect setting of the CBS back yard, and about how there's plenty of time for her to learn that Roddy is flawed later. And then, the funny music guy uses the effect I think he's been keeping in his pocket all season, which is the needle scratching over the ancient LP on which the liking-each-other music is contained. It's like, "Deeee, da da da SCREEEECH." Suddenly, it is very quiet. Josh and Roddy are playing chess, and Roddy semi-whispers, "What's Kiki's last name?" HA! Josh doesn't know either, but says he'll find out in his own suave way. Roddy, to his credit, does seem rather disgusted with himself for not knowing the last name of the girl he's sleeping with, but to the opposite of his credit...well, he doesn't know it. ["Also in Roddy's defense, he's in the house without access to The Smoking Gun, so he doesn't know Chiara's last name as a result of reading all about her DUI, like the rest of us do." -- Wing Chun] Unfortunately, Josh's own suave way of asking involves making his big inquiry while Roddy is sitting right there. Unfortunately for Roddy, Kiki is sort of a clinging savant, in the sense that she's a moron when it comes to most things, but she has an eerie ability to sniff out situations in which there might be the opportunity for her to act like a neurotic pain in the ass. She figures out that this all goes back to Roddy, who doesn't know her last name. This horrifies her, of course, because when you're already choosing the names of your children, and their putative father is trying to figure out what the heck your last name was again, you are not working at a high level of romantic coordination. Josh voices over that although he did sort of step in it, he eventually managed to convince Chiara that blowing up at Roddy and acting offended was wrong, despite the fact that even Josh admits she had every right to be annoyed. In fact, Josh does such a stellar job on her that she actually goes out and apologizes to Roddy. Josh: "[Roddy] played it smooth...I turned it around, made her look like a lunatic --" Here, Josh pauses. "Not. Very. Hard. To. Do." Hee. Eh, as a wise man once said to me, even a blind pig finds a truffle occasionally.

And now, actually, in a bit I think starts out to have substantially more comedic value, Chiara actually manages to refer to Roddy as "Hardy" at the table that night. No, really. Hardy. Well, well, well, my little ball of righteous indignation, I suppose the shoe is on the other foot now...and you're pretty intimately acquainted with that foot, considering how far you have it crammed into your mouth, huh? She insists in the diary room that this was an accidental combination of "Hottie" and "Roddy." NOT. Unfortunately, in order to get us thoroughly oriented with regard to the relevant history, this development requires us to watch blue-and-white Hardy jumping rope as Roddy explains that all he knows about Hardy is that he was a BB 2 contestant. The funny editors are at it again, and as Chiara explains why Hardy and Roddy have nothing in common, we see a split screen of...Roddy working out and blue-and-white Hardy working out...Roddy smoking and blue-and-white Hardy smoking... "Totally wouldn't be my type," Chiara the loony complains. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say "loony" -- it was an accidental combination of "Roddy" and "Hottie." Anyway, Roddy gives her a little bit of a hard time about it at first, which is fine, but then it appears that she is absolutely incapable of putting the topic down. While they're doing the dishes, she keeps after him about how she's sorry, and he seems mad, and clearly now he is mad, because she won't drop it. You can just see the guy going, "How did I get myself hooked up with this one?" For a girl who claims to be a master of manhandling the way Chiara does, she hasn't learned anything if she doesn't know that there is nothing that will get you in more trouble with guys than the horrible affliction known as Inability To Drop It, Already. Josh seems to see this whole blossoming flower of discord as a blessing in disguise. "It just makes it easier for him to cut her loose when he has to," he diary-rooms. Ouch. And, um, correct.

Marcellas and Gerry talk strategy. This is uneventful, except that when they discuss Danielle and how smooth she is, Gerry comments that she plays "the ghetto thing" with Marcellas. Ugh. Speaking of Danielle, she and Kiki have a talk in which I think Danielle's purpose is to reassure Kiki that Gerry isn't going to nominate her, but it's very hard to tell, because it's all terrifically cryptic. I think I need yellow subtitles for this, too. Kiki allows for the possibility that Gerry's winning HoH means her "karma's off." I think Tonya took it with her when she left. God knows she had plenty of places to hide it.

In the HoH room, Marcellas asks Gerry why he's not considering nominating Roddy. Marcellas, of course, does not know that Gerry and Roddy have a deal that saved Gerry's butt last week -- and in theory made it more likely that Roddy would put Marcellas on the block. Gerry remains vague.

Nomination ritual. Gerry calls himself "the executioner." Thanks, Gerry. He gathers everyone at the table, and the key-pulling begins. And the nominees are...Eric and Lisa. Now, as much as I don't like Gerry's personality, I think going after that foursome was absolutely necessary, and given the deal he had with Roddy, Eric and Lisa were the obvious choices. Chiara isn't smart enough to worry about, and she's under Roddy's thumb anyway, so I think it's the right move not to bother booting her at this point. Leave Roddy alone because of the deal, leave Chiara alone because she's a dope, and that leaves Eric and Lisa. In other news, Gerry makes a dorky chess reference, calling Lisa and Eric "the queen and a knight." He stumbles into an inadvertent joke here, because as stupid as this reference is if you read it the way Gerry meant it, it's actually quite funny if you think of Eric as the queen and Lisa as the horse.

Lisa whines that Gerry's reasons for putting her and Eric up were "cowardly." Man, she really has been taking Shannon lessons! But didn't Shannon say "cowardest" or something like that? ["Yes." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Eric and Lisa exchange the Meaningful Smooches of Doomed Love, and we are mercifully out.

Wednesday. Blue-and-white nomination ritual, and we slide up to color as Lisa hides in the bathroom because of her broken heart. Thank God they installed that overhead toilet-cam! They almost never get to use it, but here it is! Lisa's just standing there, thank goodness. Eric comes and tries to get her out. He tells her he's going to open the door. "If you're on the can, I'm gonna see it." Okay, I think that's a little funny. He coaxes her out and brings her into the Big Bed Room. There, she, Eric, and Kiki talk about the hateful Gerry, and how dare he nominate two of them? Damn Gerry, playing the game exactly as it's meant to be played! Curse you, Gerry! They bemoan their fate endlessly, as Chiara bounces her knee up and down furiously. Gerry is a bad, bad man. Chiara wants him to "walk out with shame," because of the evil. Eric comments on the absurdity of "going after two people for sleeping in the same bed." Oh, heavens, Eric, what a steaming pile that is. He went after you because y'all strutted around for a couple of weeks like you had the whole place wired, and that sort of thing tends to make them want to nominate you, but please do not delude yourself that your pulsating virility is the reason Gerry nominated you.

Gerry, Marcellas, and Josh chat in the HoH room. Josh assures Gerry that he "handled [him]self very well." Is this the same Josh who called Gerry a "Nazi," not to mention calling him and Marcellas "spineless bitches"? Goodness.

Outside, Lisa tells Kiki and Danielle that she has a sense that she won't go yet. In the bathroom, Roddy assures Eric that he's certainly not going anywhere. "There's not even a question," Roddy soothes. Chiara comes into Gerry's room to drop off some laundry and oozes righteous indignation all over him, so he calls her back in to tell her calmly that he went strictly on strategy, and he hopes she understands. She winds up giggling. I actually think he handled Chiara quite well, which I suppose is the result of his vast experience with seventh-graders.

In one of those side conversations I find more interesting than many that are more plotline-significant, Roddy and Danielle chat about Gerry in the hammock. They agree that he isn't nearly the villain he's being made out to be, although Danielle remains horrified by his hygiene. Today, the discussion concerns his nasty feet. Roddy isn't sure there's anything you can do if you have nasty feet, but Danielle thinks he could at least have the decency to soak them. Heh.

Josh comes into the HoH room again to talk to Gerry, and I am instantly sent into a fetal position, because Josh's pants are about four inches too low, resting right on his hipbones. The horrifying consequences of this are twofold. First of all, he has a tan line way above the waistband, so there's an expanse of skin that stamps a general impression of nudity on my subconscious that will take months of scrubbing to remove. Second, when they shoot him from the back, you can see...yeah, just a little bit of the top of his...oh, I may never be hungry again.

Outside in the hammock, Lisa, Queen of Morality, tells Danielle and Roddy how awful she thinks it is that a bad person like Josh has been spared, while she and Eric, who have been dry-humping for the benefit of needy children across the globe, have been mercilessly nominated for eviction. She says that the game "should come down to the good-hearted people." Which, of course, is why she let Josh lead her around by the nose for the first week and nominated the deeply evil Marcellas and Lori when she was HoH. They both encourage her to share these feelings with Gerry, in case the veto is used and he has a chance to nominate someone new. Emboldened by her self-righteousness and driven by the desire to hang on to the frequent helpings of first-hand soft-core pornography she's been receiving, Lisa visits Gerry in the HoH room. She asks him why she was nominated instead of Josh, who after all spent a couple of weeks treating Gerry even worse than the rest of them were treating him. Gerry patiently explains that as much as he would like to use the nomination process to exorcise his personal grievances, he chose to use it strategically instead. Lisa says that her heart is weeping because "the bad people don't deserve to be here." Gerry nods indulgently and ignores her. She diary-rooms with a smug smirk, "I tried to pull off the feminine innocent-ness." "Innocent-ness"? Do I have to start adding entries to the Lisa-English/English-Lisa Dictionary now? It's good, however, to know she's full of it, because as sad as this speech she's giving is as a strategic move, I think it would be even sadder if she really believed it.

Outside in the hammock, Eric and Lisa talk, and Eric says he's going to offer Gerry a deal, even though he has no intention whatsoever of honoring it. Way to be one of the good-hearted people, there, Eric. The segment ends with a hilarious overhead shot of Gerry, looking at the camera, all evil-style.

And now, Danielle: Tooth-Grinder. It turns out that when Danielle is under stress, she grinds her teeth in her sleep. I have no idea whether the sound used in this segment is genuine tooth-grinding sound taken from the house or not. If it is, it is very impressive indeed. I admit it would make it hard to sleep. Roddy thinks it sounds like automatic weapon fire. Other opinions include that it sounds like chewing on rocks or hard candy. Marcellas compares it to "broken bones grinding together." If the sound they're using is legit, any of those descriptions is pretty apt. They actually may not adequately convey the agony.

Eric and Lisa have a whispered, surprisingly boring conversation about the power of veto. They scratch their heads for quite a while and don't really seem to reach a conclusion. Only these dullards could make pillow talk lamer than the food challenge.

And now, it's time to play for the power of veto. They compete in a dumb game, recycled from Survivor, in which you have to step on certain squares on a board without getting yourself blocked in. That's really all you need to know. Actually, it's more than you need to know. All you really need to know is that it comes down to Kiki and Danielle, and Chiara walks off with the veto. EW! She applauds herself and discusses the incredibly overwhelming responsibility of holding the power of veto. When seen, Kiki is in the Big Bed Room doing squats. EW! Because her thighs are not to be neglected, dammit. Roddy comes in to talk to her. "What should I do?" she asks in a baby-doll voice. EW! She's considering approaching Gerry and asking him to put up Josh if she vetoes Lisa. Roddy says, in his gently evil benign-boyfriend way that actually masks tremendous treachery, "I'm scared if you zap one of them, no matter what he says, your old pal Rod goes in." She quivers at the thought of the eviction of the father of her future children. EW!

Time for America's Choice. The houseguests learn that one of them will be getting a letter from home. Gerry goes into the HoH room and cries, probably afraid that his family will send him one of their Christmas cards. They all diary-room about how much a letter from home would mean to them. Everybody wants the letter -- even Josh, who claims to miss "Mewwitt," as well as his cat. I suspect that the cat, if asked, would gladly send a Kittygram from home, saying, "Stay away. I have your girlfriend and a cabinet full of tuna. Do not return." And it would be signed with two little pawprints. In blood.

Sex-Drive Segment, to the tune of supermarket-quality reggae. Danielle is hoping her husband is working out in anticipation of her return. Kiki is just...sort of needy, generally. Lisa feels the need to tell us that she likes the idea of "three months of foreplay," because it will increase the impact of what she calls "the big wow." She goes on to explain that she misses her detachable shower head. Can't argue with that.

Eric and Lisa have yet another hushed conversation in the kitchen about how much they hate Gerry. "I know that Josh is the voice behind Gerry's hands," Lisa diary-rooms. I'm sorry, you shot who in the what now? Furthermore, Lisa is not intelligent enough, of course, to notice that the voice behind Gerry's hands, if there is one, is Danielle. Incidentally, now that they've stopped concealing Danielle's strategy from us, I am happy to retract statements that she didn't seem to have one. It was just well-hidden. At any rate, Lisa and Eric hatch a plan to try to save their asses, and Eric later asks Gerry for a chat. In the HoH room, he proposes a deal. If Gerry will respond to a veto by putting up Josh, Eric can promise him another week or two as payback for "such a gesture." Josh winds up listening to this conversation from outside the door. Then he talks in the diary room...

I'm sorry, I have just returned from the hospital to which I was rushed after passing out and hitting my head on the fireplace at the sight of Josh's new beard. This beard is basically a mustache for the chin -- it's two short and wide L's, one forward and one mirrored. What it looks like, actually, is TiVo's feet. It looks precisely, in fact, like TiVo's feet. This is a bad beard. This beard is so bad that my phone rang at the end of the episode, and the first words I heard were, "I am calling to talk about Josh's beard." (This really happened.) ["Uh. Guilty." -- Wing Chun] This beard is so bad that the scientists who were originally called in to evaluate it abandoned the task, leaving their white coats and clipboards scattered on the floor, insisting that what was needed was an exorcist. And then the exorcist was so overwhelmed by the task ahead that he quit religion altogether, saying that quite possibly, what they really needed was a topiary gardener. And then the topiary gardener said that he could do nothing with this beard that would not constitute topiary malpractice, and because he did not want to lose his license, he could only recommend a specialist in infectious diseases. And then the specialist in infectious diseases reported that he could only handle infestations up to a certain threshold of virulence, and therefore, what they really needed was a demolitions expert. And then the demolitions expert offered to blow the beard up for free, but stated that he could only do so after undertaking several years of exploratory spelunking to ensure the safety of the operation, so he suggested that they just have Josh killed. But no hit man would be seen in his presence because of the beard, so they were back at square one.

Anyway, Gerry patiently listens to Eric's pitch as Josh listens attentively outside the door. Gerry fesses up, among other things, that he's afraid of how Josh would act during the intervening week if Gerry turned on him. Eric basically agrees to bodyguard Gerry if Gerry puts up Josh. Josh, in turn, having heard this, diary-rooms that if you mess with him, it will only "make [him] stronger." It's just like one of those horror movies where the monster is a big ball of ooze who is emboldened when you pour poison on him. Josh goes to Danielle, who he knows wants Eric out, and tells her that Chiara needs to be told not to use the veto, because Gerry is in the middle of being persuaded that if she uses it, he should put up one of the Secret Alliance of Extremely Secret Secrecy. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Eric tells Lisa that the whole thing isn't over yet. Incidentally, Eric is wearing the ugliest floppy hat in all creation, and if it weren't for the fact that even I am exhausted from hearing me harp on hats, I would spend ten minutes telling you just how hideous it really is. Take my word for it, because I don't have the strength. He tells Lisa that he's taking care of the situation, and he'll be "the biggest hero in the world" if it works out. I thought he was the biggest hero in the world already, because he said "Hi." Go figure.

Outside, Josh reports recent developments to Roddy, particularly the fact that he knows Eric tried to sell him out to Gerry. Roddy encourages Josh not to act like a jackass to Eric, no matter how he might be feeling. Josh agrees to try to rein it in, but reiterates that he "know[s] what [he] heard." In the kitchen, the dinner preparations continue, and Kiki asks Eric how the talk with Gerry went. "Extremely well," Eric says emphatically. Eric diary-rooms that he can picture Josh going psycho if he's nominated again, and adds that he would "love to see it." I feel compelled to remind this dipwad that he had a chance to evict Josh just two weeks ago and turned it down, freaking idiot that he is. Don't you wish you had, Eric? Didn't I tell you you'd wish you had? Nobody ever listens to me.

Lisa and Eric discuss the Second Greatest Love The World Has Ever Known. Bleh. They're excited, they're happy, blah dee blah blanket-rumpling. He grabs her like a tackling dummy and hoists her off the floor. How cute. Eric says he feels like Lisa is being taken from him for "all the wrong reasons," which I guess means that we're back on the "Gerry nominated us because we have true love" train. Music of Canoodling. Lisa explains that the things Eric has done for her are the most romantic things that have ever happened to her. Eric: "Wow. Okay." No, that's really what he says. He sounds like he was just diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, quite honestly. But it's all right, Lisa; being articulate is highly overrated. She diary-rooms that "for one of [them] to leave right now isn't fair." My amount of sympathy for her grows ever more minuscule, if such a thing is possible. I get that she's sad, but it's not like she's being nominated for execution by firing squad.

Gerry calls everyone into the living room to hear the results of America's Choice. Unlike some of the other stuff, you can tell they really want this one. And the winner is...Jason. He goes into the diary room to receive his letter. It's from his mom. Aww. She loves him. He cries a lot. It also says that his family does nothing but sit around and discuss Big Brother 3. Can you imagine? Yuck. He continues crying, quite a lot. "This is the most awesome thing ever, you guys," he says through tears. Again, aww. Call me a sucker for upstanding pretty-boys, but the guy just melts my cold, black heart. He goes back out into the living room to read the other houseguests the part of the letter where her mom sends them all big, southern, God-fearing hugs.

And now, Jason Appreciation Time. The Jason Tango strikes up as he pours Kiki a fresh drink. She diary-rooms how cute and how sweet he is, and then Marcellas diary-rooms how cute and how sweet he is, and then Roddy calls him "the nicest person I might have ever met in my life." Eric says he's never heard Jason use language stronger than "crap." Lisa says she doesn't think Jason is strategizing, and then Mama Danielle says in the diary room that a whole lot of people who are taking Jason for Gomer Pyle are going to be mightily surprised in a little while. "Jason playin' all them fools," she says. We see Jason strategizing with Marcellas and Danielle. "Jason has a dark side," she continues. "Jason's dark side is me." Ha! I'm not sure on how many levels that was supposed to be funny, but I found it funny on at least two. In the Big Bed Room, Jason whispers to Marcellas and Danielle that they might need to stage a fight if there are any suspicions that they have an alliance. Oh, Jason, you are beautiful and wicked. "If they think he's not playing the game," Danielle says simply in the diary room, "then they're stupid." Funny Editor #6 whip-cuts to Chiara saying, "He's not a threat to me. At all. Absolutely not a threat to me." "If Jason were scheming everybody," Roddy says, "then he deserves the Oscar for the five years." Note that Roddy, unlike his dippy girlfriend, at least leaves open the possibility that Jason is scheming, he just doesn't think it's likely, which makes him a little less of a fool. Though not much less. I mean, I don't really think anyone in the house is going to be invited to speak at the United Nations when this is over, so it's all relative.

As Kiki and Gerry do dishes together, she tries to get a commitment from him that if she uses the veto, he'll put up Josh. We do not see the rest of this conversation.

Outside in the hammock, Chiara asks Roddy how he'll feel if Eric leaves. Hot Rod Lincoln (who has a very unfortunate inadvertent pompadour going on) wants Eric to stay, but can't recommend a veto for fear he'll go up instead. I think the bottom line is that what Roddy is telling her is not to use the veto, but vote out Lisa instead of Eric, which would not necessarily be Kiki's most obvious move. When Chiara asks him to explain to her why it's in her interests to vote out Lisa, Roddy tells her that Lisa is more likely to nominate him (meaning Roddy) than Eric is, and after all, Roddy's Kiki's biggest ally. Isn't Eric, though, more likely to nominate Kiki herself than Lisa is? Now, once Roddy starts to poke her sorority-rush tendencies, Chiara goes into what appears to be a pretty stereotypical and unfortunate bitchfest about not liking the sound of Lisa's voice. In short, as it turns out, Kiki has decided she doesn't like Lisa, so she's ready for Lisa to go -- which is quite a coincidence, because that's just what Roddy told her to do! What luck. Seriously, I think Chiara is by far the saddest figure on this show -- even sadder than Josh, who at least seems blissfully secure that he's found some friends and a girl (and maybe even a cat) who puzzlingly seem to like him for who he is. Kiki is just...trolling for attention and approval, and it's really depressing.

Veto meeting. Chiara, in her pink jammies, ultimately chooses not to veto anyone. (Why? Because Roddy told her not to. Ick.) Gerry explains in the diary room that he wasn't too concerned about the veto being used, because he had given Chiara pretty clear signals that if she used it, he would not be putting up Josh, and that if she didn't abstain from using the veto, she might find herself abstaining from some other activities in fairly short order. As the music dramatically goes BOWM! to demonstrate the seriousness of the impending breakup of Eric and Lisa, a shot of the two of them is actually split in two, with their images drifting to opposite sides of the screen. Wow, way to borrow those Jerry Springer camera effects.

Chiara tells Eric she thinks he and Lisa are mad at her for not using the veto. Eric insists that he understands, and he does a pretty good job of seeming sincere. Meanwhile, Lisa, using a very painful extended metaphor, diary-rooms that if Eric leaves, her heart will go with him, and then she'll be heartless, and then everybody had better watch out, because they'll be able to see right through to her spine. Or something. Wow. That's pretty intelligent, Lisa. Kiki and Eric agree that the situation "sucks" and will "get ugly." More than it is now? That seems impossible.

Thursday. Previously, love did not conquer all.

Julie Chen sits in the Chenterview area, wearing what is actually one of her less offensive outfits of the season. Cream-colored blouse with less decoration than usual, slim brown pants...she still looks like she would blow away in a stiff wind, but at least her clothes don't look like she raided a pirate's underwear drawer. And I think her hair is slightly smaller than it has sometimes been. She gravely announces that Eric and Lisa "face an inevitable breakup." She also promises a big twist at the end of the episode. Oh, great. Another twist. Just when my stomach was settling.

On Rehash-o-Vision, blue-and-white Chiara does not veto Eric or Lisa. Again. Then out in the hammock, regular Eric and Lisa discuss their big romantic plans for when all this is behind them. He asks about her apartment. He thinks she needs a hammock for it, because he doesn't really have the room. Chiara Nellie-Olesons up to them as Lisa voices over that despite the non-veto, Lisa is sure that she and Kiki will be friends after they leave the house. Oh, Lisa! Kiki -- pretending she hasn't already declared Lisa dull and annoying -- teases Lisa that she should move to New York, because then they could be buddies, eeeee! Then we hear more of Chiara complaining in the diary room that Lisa wouldn't really fit in with her friends, because her friends are "very unique individuals" (not that there is any such thing as being "very unique") and "not like Lisa." I have a feeling this fact is going to wind up reflecting on Lisa so positively that she will put it on her rsum. Kiki tells Lisa they'll be "like sisters." Yeah. Just like Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. Then we see blue-and-white Kiki on Rehash-o-Vision telling Roddy again how annoying Lisa is.

Lisa goes on and on about her delusions that Chiara and Danielle are both her pals and buddies and "have [her] back." Oh, good. More back-having talk. My favorite. Interestingly, Lisa predicts that people voting to keep her in the house will be Chiara, Danielle, and Marcellas, meaning that she doesn't know Chiara is planning on knifing her, and she doesn't know that Jason is going to give the boot to her beloved. Danielle tells us that her goal is simple: getting rid of Eric. She's not really aiming for the couples, as it happens -- she's aiming for the power block of Roddy and Eric. Meanwhile, Josh -- who has been working with Danielle but has not yet gotten over the fact that Lisa won't sleep with him -- encourages Chiara to boot Lisa, feeding her a few juicy (and false) tidbits about Lisa having trash-talked Kiki in a conversation with Eric.

Jason's patient indulgence of Chiara's attentions pays off when she spills it to him that she's booting Lisa instead of Eric. Jason passes this along to Danielle and Marcellas, and Danielle goes into damage-control mode, heading right to Kiki to talk it over. Kiki repeats what she heard about Lisa, promising that it came from a "very, very, very reliable source." Which, you will recall, was Josh. Good lord, I've seen more reliable sources cited in Weekly World News. Danielle encourages Chiara not to believe everything she hears, but they're still mid-chat when Lisa walks up and sits down, asking why all the long faces. Danielle effortlessly covers that she and Chiara were just talking about how much it sucks that they have to lose Eric or Lisa.

And now, Lisa and Eric, who are lamenting their impending separation far and wide, are gifted with a Big Date. They get a table spread in the back yard, they get champagne, and they get Josh cooking for them and being their maitre d'. Well, that'll increase the odds of a foodborne illness. There's nothing more romantic than sharing your parasites, you know. Eric and Lisa eat, they look warmly at each other, they toast, and they drink. She tells him that this is the most romantic thing she's ever done, and he promises that later, they'll have "many opportunities" to "blow it out of the water." Aw, that was kinda cute. She gives him a gift, which turns out to be a picture of the two of them, with the word "Hi" written on it. And I'm done with the cute, and I need a bucket, because I feel the uprising of my dinner. After dinner, they are put to bed in the Big Bed Room, which is decked out with rose petals and such, so there is plenty more night-vision blanket-rumpling for those of you who are into that sort of thing. Frankly, this scene contains just a little more houseguest porn than I really wanted to see.

Julie takes us to the living room to talk to the houseguests. I have to say this segment just isn't nearly as much fun as last week's. She asks about the date, which Lisa says was quite wonderful. Julie asks Josh about the date and why he chose to be so helpful, but honestly, because he still has that beard, I can't concentrate on anything he says. Eric says that the food Josh prepared was pretty good. Julie asks Danielle about the PB&J restriction she and Chiara suffered through for the second time, and Danielle obligingly bitches about it. Frankly, I will come right out and say that I enjoy the PB&J, so I find the bitching quite a bit overblown. Julie asks Jason about his letter from home, and not only does Jason talk about how great it was, but he says it gave him encouragement to "stay in it and win it all." He says this in such an unconvinced, sort of slapstick kind of way that everyone sort of goes "oooooh" and laughs indulgently, because they all know that of course, Jason has no strategy and is no threat. I love Jason.

Back to Eric and Lisa, blah dee blah, they like each other, they both had fun, they both have many words of warmth and artifice that they are anxious to offer. Lisa says that being in the Big Brother house has been the best time of her life. Wow. That's going on the list of the saddest declarations thus far. It's going on the list, even if the list is very short.

Diary room. Voting. Josh, Danielle, and Roddy. Josh votes to evict Lisa, Roddy votes to evict Lisa, and Danielle votes to evict Eric.

In this week's family and friends segment, Lisa's bar colleagues and Eric's fire-station colleagues discuss their prospects and their romance. Lisa's friends are surprised that she fell for Eric so quickly. Eric's friends aren't surprised he managed to land a chick, even in a house with only twelve people in it. Heh. In other news, look! A shiny firetruck!

Gerry's HoH interview goes exactly like the HoH interview always goes, to the point where I seriously do not understand why they continue doing these dumb things. Being HoH is hard, it's heart-wrenching, he likes everyone, he did what he had to do, it's a game, he thinks he did it right...I could not be more bored with these dumb interviews.

Julie promises that the wait is almost over, and that she's about to introduce the famous "twist" we've been hearing so much about, but first, more voting. This time, it's Marcellas, Jason, and Chiara. Marcellas and Jason vote to boot Eric, and Kiki votes to boot Lisa. But first, Chiara actually notes that she was conflicted because Lisa is female and Eric is male, but she and Eric are from the same state. She is really just not bright.

Julie says it's time to talk eviction. What she reveals, of course, is that it's a tie, which throws the whole shebang to Gerry. Gerry makes little fuss about it, and votes to boot Eric. Eric looks very surprised. He and Lisa hug and smooch, and then he prepares to leave. Over by the door, he and Lisa hug and smooch some more. He hugs everybody except Gerry, because of course it's Gerry's fault that he was evicted. Idiot. Three of those other people voted for you, too, you big lug. He and Lisa hug and smooch again, and that is enough hugging and smooching for me. Eric finally leaves, and heads for Julie. Once there, he settles on the couch, and as always, we are taken back into the house while they tech him up for the Chenterview. When we return to him from an especially dull visit to the houseguests on the inside, Eric doles out the basics -- he was surprised to go, he's not happy, and so forth. What's interesting is that Eric takes the position that he was put up originally just to get Lisa, which I don't think is the case at all. Regardless of what was said, I think the intent was always that, no matter what, what was important was getting somebody out of that group of four, and I don't think it was a "decoy" situation at all. In fact, the Danielle/Marcellas/Jason axis wanted Eric out without question from the beginning. Most amusingly, when Julie asks Eric whether Lisa is "the one" (which is really an unfair question for live television), Eric's first words are, "Right now." Oof! That was a mistake. He quickly corrects himself, and basically says yes. I almost believe he's making an effort to be as sincere as he can. He watches his goodbye videos. My favorite part is when Marcellas, looking thoughtfully and somewhat sadly at the floor, says he'll see Eric in New York. "We'll go shopping together," he says, "and cause a minor stir." The Marcellas love has pretty much deserted me, but I do occasionally get that flash of it, and that was a great example. He has a certain defiance at times that I really do like when it seems sincere and not too self-righteous.

Now it's time for a new HoH game, and if you remember the key-sliding game from last year, you basically know what this is. They had all week to practice rolling a ball down a lane, with the objective being to get it as close to the end of the lane as possible without going off the end. Almost everyone shoots his or her ball right off the end of the lane (adrenaline multiplies their power, I think), and in the end, Chiara wins it, with nobody else even coming close. Chiara as HoH? I may throw up. But at last, Julie promises that after the commercials, we will finally get to hear about the damn twist.

Julie explains to Eric that one week from tonight, either Eric, Amy, Tonya, or Lori will be returning to the game. She reveals that Amy, Tonya, and Lori have been separately sequestered in different parts of Mexico since they left the house. It appears that Lori has spent her time out in the sun without sunblock on, as she is thoroughly crispy. Tonya has been frolicking in the water, and as much as I'd like to talk about something other than her enormous pretend breasts, she obviously doesn't want anyone to notice anything else about her, given that she has now covered them up with a bikini that is not merely too small, but in fact very, very much too small. All of the "cantaloupes covered with Band-aids" remarks that come to mind seem inadequate for the job. She says that the show would be sexy if she came back, because she "can't be in a show that's not sexy." Please, please, please do not bring back Tonya. That is the only thing I ask. Amy is in Ixtapa, where she is -- guess what? -- drinking herself into a stupor, apparently. Which is...very, very sad, and not funny in the slightest.

Julie slaps a bug off of Eric (or so she claims, when touching his arm), and reiterates that he's going to get a chance to get back in the game. She promises more details, but they are not actually forthcoming.

Usually, nothing interesting happens during the live show just before the credits roll, but this time, Roddy discusses with Lisa a plan to do the Stupidest Thing Ever, which is to volunteer to be put up against either Josh or Gerry, rather than putting them up against each other. Roddy is sure, you see, that this will result in the eviction of the other person, since the non-strategizing Danielle, Jason, and Marcellas are so bewitched by his personal charm that they would never vote to bounce him. Wow. He is really off-base, for a guy who started out so clearly looking like the best player. That is a very bad idea, Roddy. That could potentially be a miscalculation of unmatched proportions in the history of reality television. If he actually brings about his own eviction...that would just be way, way too amusing to contemplate. Talk about hoist on your own petard.

But we shall see. Tune in time to watch Chiara make her nominations while Roddy drinks a glass of water.