By M. Giant | Season 12 | Episode 4
Julie welcomes us to the live show in a teal sci-fi dress that screams, "I ain't pregnant this season, suckas!" After the previouslies, she tells us it's Day 13 in the house. "Already, alliances have formed, a showmance has bloomed, and a saboteur is on the loose." Later, we'll find out whether Rachel or Annie will be evicted. But first! There's a replay of the Veto ceremony way back on Day 8, where Annie called out Britney. So it's been an awkward five days. How'd giving Annie that little tip work out for you, Brit? Rachel's looking on the bright side: there's a chance that she and Brendon will get to stay together another week. I didn't say it was a bright side for us.
Outside, clueless Andrew offers to let Annie talk to him, openly admitting he has no idea what's going on. Annie informs Andrew that Britney's spreading rumors about her. But lest you think she's only complaining behind Britney's back, she calls out, "___ you, Britney," when she goes back inside. Britney just thinks Annie's crazy. It's hard to disagree.
Brendon whispers to Rachel that she just has to be cool, since Annie's already in the process of blowing herself up. And then Annie comes in and snips at Brendon. "I guess our alliance is off, Brendon," she sarcasms in the main room in front of everyone. "So glad we had one." Brendon comes out and sympathizes with Britney over how she ended up getting all the blowback, advising her to keep her distance. Britney's way ahead of him there. She may not be as dumb as she looks.
Matt and Enzo, meanwhile, congratulate each other on how they "orchestrated" this all. Yes, gentlemen, I've never seen anyone pull off a plan B with quite such... uh, self-aggrandizement.
Annie approaches Brendon to talk to him, and although she says in the Diary Room that she felt bad about it, she doesn't seem to be willing to let him off the hook. "I don't think she understands how much it really does affect me," Brendon says in the DR of watching Annie cry. So then he goes and makes out with Rachel, and in the middle of it, brings up Annie. Which hurts Rachel's feelings, which in turn upsets Brendon all over again. Why can't either of this week's two nominees be there for him?
Julie reminds us that we've been voting (or, more accurately, they've been voting) on who the saboteur is, and the votes are in: it's Kathy! Or is it? Julie isn't telling yet.
At least not until after the ads. Mission: Impossible-style music plays as a pair of female legs walks toward the DR, and their owner sits down and says, "Hello, America. I'm the saboteur!" Yup, it's Annie. Which I totally called last night. Congratulations, Big Brother, your big twist for the season is about to be moot. But first she wants to tell us how she pulled everything off, as if any of it was hard. For the padlock stunt, she just popped a lock onto the door during the blackout, but then bumped into someone on her way back into the living room. The lame tape-on-the-memory-wall was a suggestion from a viewer, and I don't blame her for wanting to make sure we didn't think that was her idea. Now, Annie gets a suggestion from Facebook to hide an annoying beeping device somewhere to annoy people. She plants them all over the house, to everyone's annoyance. "Man, I'm good," she gloats in the DR. Yes, so good she's going home.
By M. Giant | Season 12 | Episode 4
Julie reminds us that despite being such an awesome saboteur, now Annie is like any other player who has to try to save her ass for another week. Then we see the houseguests getting another saboteur message sometime between the Veto ceremony and tonight: "Hayden, nice try. I escaped the block this week. Better luck time." So Annie's allowed to lie as the saboteur? Everyone wonders what this means, until Britney decides it means Brendon is the saboteur, because he escaped the block. "This might just save me this week," Annie DRs. Well, anything's possible, especially when one player is allowed to cheat.
So Andrew makes a pitch to Hayden to get rid of Rachel, to weaken Brendon. Since it's Andrew suggesting it, though, I think we know how far that's going to go.
Outside, that night, Annie keeps working a group of the hamsters that includes Enzo, saying that it makes no sense that they're sending home the least popular person in the house in favor of breaking up the strongest alliance in the house. And she flatly says of Brendon, "He has a different job than he says he does." Annie's referring to Brendon's being a scientist as well as a swim coach, which Brendon told her and Rachel about in the hammock. That seems to have the exact effect on her listeners she wanted it to. Annie continues floating hypothetical offers, saying people could be making some sweet deals with her right now. Oddly, nobody seems to be taking her up on it. Maybe the ideal person to talk to about that is not a group of six.
Post-ads, Julie gets on the viewscreen for the group interview with the houseguests. Julie plays the clip of Brendon losing his shorts during the Have/Have-Not competition, because something that wasn't all that funny to start with always gets funnier when we have a chance to watch the houseguests laugh uproariously at it. Julie changes the subject to Rachel, asking what he sees in her. Although she's a little more polite than that. He gives a nice little non-answer. Julie then asks what the most surprising message from the saboteur is, and Andrew says it was the news that there is a friendship in the house already. "That was a good twist by CBS. And the saboteur," Andrew says, as if one isn't the agent of the other.
Julie tells Annie and Rachel it's almost time for the vote. Annie pleads her case first, starting politely enough by saying thanks to everyone. Then she adds that Rachel has something Annie doesn't (and not the giant boobs): Brendon. "Brendon will take her through this game, just like Jeff did with Jordan." Will they then go on to be on half of The Amazing Race? Annie goes on to call Brendon a liar, and tells them that although he's safe this week, taking out Rachel is their one chance to weaken him while they can.
By M. Giant | Season 12 | Episode 4
Now it's Rachel's turn, and if Annie's speech threw her, she doesn't let it show, going ahead and reciting the platitudes she was probably planning to spout all along. Julie says it's time to vote, and Monet is first. So no HoH interview? I can't say I'm sorry. Hayden probably isn't either; how would he have gotten through it without Enzo and Matt telling him how to answer Julie's questions?
Monet votes to evict Annie. So do Andrew and Lane, and then it's commercial time. I guess we know how the Brigade is voting, though, so nice job killing what little suspense might have existed during the ads.
Moving on. Kathy votes to evict Annie. So do Kristen, Brendon, Ragan, Enzo, Matt, Britney. And that's everyone, so it looks like another Big Brother twist just fizzled out. Which, from my point of view, is awesome. If not for the alleged lifelong friendship, which may or may not be a bluff, the show would have precisely dick right now. Which might be boring for me in the long run, but right now I'm just savoring the spectacle of the show doing a total faceplant.
Annie hugs a few people on her way out, and carries her bag out to the studio. The remaining players are left in the house discussing weighty matters like the impressive height of Monet's heels. Clearly Annie's departure has moved them all so deeply they can't even discuss it yet.
For the Exit Chenterview, Julie informs Annie that we all now know she was the saboteur, and asks what she's doing out here with her. Annie blames it on having to play too hard. Julie asks why she stuck by her former allies, Rachel and Brendon, when they were both nominated, and Annie admits it was a mistake to trust Brendon. Julie asks why they didn't keep her, as Annie suggested. "They're not smart," Annie explains. Julie tells Annie about America having voted Kathy the saboteur, which amuses Annie. She describes Kathy as a little ["cuckoo whistle."] Julie asks Annie who she thinks is the strongest player, and she still thinks it's Brendon. Because she's still not aware yet of how Brendon is a howling black hole of emotional neeed. But anyway, now it's time for the farewell messages, and Annie braces herself.
Hayden says she's great, but caused a lot of drama, which is why she's gone. "As a friend," Britney says, "I'm going to let you know that those ill-fitting flats have got to go, and it might be a good idea to toss the silver eye shadow while you're at it." Yikes. I'm glad Britney's not my friend. That means I can keep my ill-fitting flats and silver eye shadow. Ragan says he thinks she's the saboteur. Brendon says he never wanted to choose between her and Rachel, and hopes they can be friends afterward. Good luck with that. As for Rachel, she says, "I am so happy to see you leave! You tried to come in between me and my man, like he would ever pick you over me, please!" Did Rachel think she was going on Charm School?
By M. Giant | Season 12 | Episode 4
Annie says, "Let's talk about that!" I half expect Julie to cut her off and say they're out of time, but she impresses me by letting Annie run. And Annie pays off, reporting that Brendon tried to flirt with her, and she declined. "And 24 hours later, he had a showmance, so she should be really proud of herself that she got my sloppy seconds." Yeeow! Even Julie reacts to that. Julie asks if there's anything else coming form the saboteur, and Annie promises that she's not gone yet. What is it, a bomb? Well, we can hope.
HoH competition. It's just one of those eleven-way quiz show type things, so for once they'll be finishing a competition still clean. When we come back from the ads, outgoing HoH Hayden is sitting this one out. Julie says the game is called "Majority Rules." We've seen it before, but Julie explains that they'll be answering dual-choice questions, and the object is not to answer correctly, but give the same answer as the majority. So the goal is to be stupid. Big Brother in a microcosm, in other words.
The first question is about whose life story would make more money at the box office. Most think Enzo over Kathy, which eliminates Brendon, Kristen, and... Kathy. The question is who would win a bikini contest -- Rachel or Kristin? All but Enzo, Matt, and Lane think Rachel, so that wipes out the Brigade in one shot. I'm sure we'll be hearing about that in the Diary Room on Sunday. Moving on: who would be most likely to put a life-sized sculpture of himself in his front yard, Hayden or Brendon? I think we've even heard these exact questions in seasons. Everyone answers Brendon, so that's a five-way tie. Who has more Facebook friends -- Britney or Monet? Everyone answers Britney, so that's another tie. The third tie in a row tells us that everyone would rather cheat off of Ragan in a test than Matt. Matt doesn't look as pleased as you might think to see that he's succeeded in keeping his "genius" under wraps. For the question of whether you'd have Andrew or Lane pack your parachute, Andrew's the only one to pick himself, which is kind of self-fulfilling. Who's more likely to talk their way out of a traffic ticket? Ragan chooses himself, but everyone else picks Britney. We're down to Britney, Rachel and Monet for the tiebreaker. Julie asks how many gallons of caramel were in the caramel pool during the H/HN competition? Britney guesses 41, Rachel almost gets DQed on time guessing 80, and Monet goes even longer and ends up scrawling something that looks like she's in a Celebrity Jeopardy sketch on Saturday Night Live. She has to call out her guess verbally, which is 725. The studio audience mocks her audibly. Since she went over the correct answer of 330, Rachel's the new HoH. How do they feel about keeping her now?
By M. Giant | Season 12 | Episode 4
And now we learn that we can vote to decide what the have-nots will eat week: taffy & tuna, catfish & candy corn, or fruitcake & fish sticks? So alliterative, if untasty, combinations of sweets & seafood. Hey, look, I can do it too!
Julie flogs the upcoming week's worth of shows, mentioning that they plan to tell the houseguests about Annie on Sunday, because why let them go on thinking they still have a saboteur, lest something interesting happen?
Then it's eavesdropping time, an we find everyone sitting back in the living room like it's group interview time. Then they suddenly all jump up, because the saboteur left a little surprise for them. And although we don't find out what it is before the feed cuts off, I'm guessing that it was a little rubber spider or something, because that's exactly the kind of lame-ass shit the "saboteur" has been pulling, and it's a fitting swan song. Even if it's a rubber swan.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.